Dear judge, I present to you my penance. (<-- yes this is the link to the image, apparently people got confused)
I was drawing this while listening to the first Ending theme of
Sword Art Online, ユメセカイ (Yume Sekai).
♪遠くに聞こえた鐘の音が少し寂しくて
もう一度強く今度は高く駆け抜けた♪
Sometimes, I'll get lonely... But when I see my friends, and spend time with them, eventually, I'll find the strength to pick myself up again and keep on going... If I don't do it for myself, I'll be doing it for everyone who believes in me...
♪ただ繰り返す現実も星の数の願い事も
目指すべき明日を見つけた この想いには勝てない♪
I have dreams and aspirations too, just like any other other person, I suppose. They may not be as ambitious, but it seems that at times, when I think I'm well on my way, taking each "tomorrow" into stride, something happens, and I wonder, "will I make it?"
♪目の前に開かれた果てない世界 たとえ仮想(ゆめ)でもいい
迷い続けても胸の奥で強くずっとずっと響いてく♪
At the same time, though, I'll imagine a world... much better than the one we live in now. Hell, I'll even envision a future where my life doesn't seem to suck every time. As I continue on, lost, knowing that there are people out there who believe in me, people close to me who will support me... it makes my beat go on, even if I seem to be at the lowest points, like now. I'll realize that sometimes, I've just got to take the blows and come back again... You know, it's like that one quote of Rocky's in
Rocky Balboa.
♪幼いリボンを捨てた夜から見た夢は
輝いた街で理想の日々を送ってた♪
Each day, I'll think about these things... No matter how much I want to think it, I've learned too much to really consider myself a true "child." But I'll see all the awesome people I've met and become friends with... And they'll help me try to understand why life's the way it is, and they do try to guide me on looking at things in a better perspective. Even if I deny it, and try to shove those away... They don't stop trying. They know they can get through to me eventually.
♪傷つかない場所目指して翼ばかり求めだけど
この背中にただ1つの守るものがあればいい♪
It's because... even if I deny it... Secretly, I just want someone to take me away, to save me...
Someone who's there, who's got my back, to help me when I need it most... And I mean, in person.
♪少しずつ鮮やかに彩る世界感じたままでいい
微笑みの色も巡り逢うの色ももっともっと変わってく♪
I just want some more color in my life, the colors I see in my life, they change, you know... While they do provide the happiness I've had before, change is inevitable... Like what I am experiencing now, these colors are shades of black, of grey. Nothing like the colorful, vivid shades of nature that I saw even a couple of months ago... I want to experience that happiness again.
♪答えが無くて 目指そうとして
綺麗じゃなくて 諦めなくて
私もきっとこの世界と似てる信じ続けてる♪
But you know, there are no magic answers to this problem... Everyone's told me that... And I've had to accept it.
Not everything's all fun and games... yet, I can't falter, even if I want to. I've got to keep believing that this world has some beauty to it.
That's part of the reason why I made my tumblr. I wanted to find things that could change my negative outlook on life.
♪新しい涙で見えて来た未来怖がらなくていい
心の傷みと探してた景色はきっときっと重なる♪
I guess a lot of my depressive spell (of failure and sadness, naturally) came from my fear of the future. This is the first time I've ever experienced true failure.
I became fearful, and because this was my first time to experience something like this, I was caught in a hole, the pains in my heart and mind were great.
Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel took its toll.
♪限りなく
目の前に開かれた果てない世界
たとえ仮想(ゆめ)でもいい
迷い続けても胸の奥で強く
ずっとずっと響いてく
ずっとずっと響いてる・・・
そっとそっと光ってる・・・♪
But that's gotta come to an end eventually, you know...
Even if it's hard... So many people are supporting me.
A lot of people want me just to... keep myself safe.
I can't blame them.
No matter how hard it is, I have to keep trucking...
You know, that was pretty long.
I guess the point is, there's no specific time in my life where I could call myself "happy," it's more of a progressive thing. It's a mood. The picture I drew... I really had one person in mind when I drew that, someone I deeply care for. But at the same time, it also captures a lot of the love I have for my friends. All my friends, they're awesome, both online and in real life. In fact, as I was doing this, I was struggling to stop myself from crying. By the time I had finished it, I was bawling my eyes out. And I can't stop. It's a lot of emotion that I put into this, even if it seems really roughly done...
But I suppose I'm being a bit on a soap box. But this is a confessional, after all, right? Consider this one of my bigger confessionals.