New Writers Contest

[capt. h]

You mean like the Touhou character going out of character when confronting the original creation? Or the super long creation time?

the original character being a self insert mary sue, the original character being inexplicably perfect with paper-thin flaws, the original character being the focus of everyone in the setting for some reason, etc.

Personally, I decided to use no original characters as a rule of thumb when I started writing. The mere fact that an original character is being added to touhou, which makes popular fanworks entirely because of it's own characters (when it's not the music), is reason to be suspicious of the original. Besides, with touhou, people come to read about characters they find interesting; they aren't going to take too well to an original one when they are looking for fanworks on their favorite canon characters. (for this reason, another habit of mine is to include the names of the characters in my story in the story's title to make looking for specific characters easy).

However, if I were to write an original character, I would make sure that his win-loss ratio is fairly bad and balance him out against someone else. He would be the focus of my attention because I wrote him for my own entertainment, but even I hate my self insert if he's always right, if my favorite characters start acting strange because of him, if he never loses, etc. It's just boring when that happens.

There are also a lot of ways to reinterpret characters so that they can stand in for your self insert. For example, I like using Mokou because
1.  She's human, so she can canonnically cross the border
2.  She can't be killed, so she can be sent where anyone else would certainly die
Thus, I would probably send her into subterranian animism plots. In fact, I've wondered for a while why unprotected humans were sent into a nuclear furnace rather than an immortal firebird, but that would probably be a different story for a different time.

Another interesting one is Remilia, whose fate powers can be reinterpretted into deathnote.

If you need an outsider, Sanae is a human from the outside world who would view Gensokyo in as much awe as any original character.

And there are a couple pre-eosd characters who can also fill certain niches, like Rika the tank builder who is human so she can go to the outside world, but is also the only person in Gensokyo who developes military-grade vehicles.

EDIT: Mary Sue is any character that everyone but the author hates for being too perfect and for hogging the spotlight from everyone and everything else, especially the plot. The author will never hate Mary Sue, and often the fact that Mary Sue is perfect forces other characters to act unusually, since otherwise, Mary Sue would look bad in front of the canon characters.

[Kaisou]

Mary Sue is any character that everyone but the author hates for being too perfect and for hogging the spotlight from everyone and everything else, especially the plot. The author will never hate Mary Sue, and often the fact that Mary Sue is perfect forces other characters to act unusually, since otherwise, Mary Sue would look bad in front of the canon characters.

Wow, that's a lot less to read. Well, at least I can think of a better person to insert. Well, not exactly a better person as it is a person because I still didn't think of one.

[Ryuu]

words

words everywhere

wait wait wait why do you have this notion that only humans can cross the border

[BlackAlice]

QUESTION!!!
1. Can I mix both theme in my story?
2. If I use a fan characters, Must I make him/her become the main character?
3. You say one of the theme is the meeting of two friends. Can I make it not related as friend? Maybe like meeting with someone from the past or something?
4. I'm not really good in describing someone. Can I skip it? (I'm using Touhou characters not the doujin one)

Sorry my English is so bad =_=

[Bias Bus]

re: original characters and shit

The best way to have one is to usually not have an original character be the focus of the story, more or less a supporting role. This way, you can have canon characters keep the spotlight while still writing your guy in there with them. I'm going to admit, I like creating OCs, it's one of my ways of being creative with Touhou, so I just make sure that whenever I'm gonna have one in there, he (or she) is something of a sidekick or something.

Always worked for me, anyway.

[capt. h]

wait wait wait why do you have this notion that only humans can cross the border

http://touhou.wikia.com/wiki/Hakurei_Border

The Hakurei Shrine is supposed to be the one gate through the boundary - this Shinto shrine exists on both sides of the border. Thus a lot of random items slip through and are found at the Shrine. Furthermore, people sometimes wander through the boundary and are either turned back with an illusion or they insist upon staying (in which case they're put in the Human Village for safety). However, Youkai teams sometimes go out to gather humans for cooking (a delicacy to them), hiding their activities with magic (lost people, accidents, etc). It's unlikely that Reimu (effectively the guardian of the gate) would endorse such actions so presumably Youkai know of ways to make a 'hole' in the border elsewhere - they originally helped reinforce it after all. Possibly all those 'border penetrations' that these cooking teams require are organized by Yukari, but this may not be necessary considering how many people and locations have come across the border on their own without her help.

Hm, I'll need to decide on a border strength for my stories now.

I haven't written anything on it yet, but I have been going on the assumption that, because humans are known to come and go via the Hakurei shrine but not youkai, I have  been assuming the humans of Gensokyo came and went at will.

I've also been assuming that it's rather difficult for non-humans to leave, or to leave via anywhere other than the Hakurei shrine. It seems like normally, it can't be done directly, and must be done indirectly. However, for humans at the Hakurei shrine, I figured that leaving involved little more than walking in the right direction.

These assumptions aren't that great, and I'd like to work on the logic behind the border, and the rules behind it. So please correct me and offer suggestions where needed; logical consistency should be king.

[Iced Fairy]

QUESTION!!!
1. Can I mix both theme in my story?

Of course.

2. If I use a fan characters, Must I make him/her become the main character?

I don't see why that'd be a requirement.  Use characters where they are needed

3. You say one of the theme is the meeting of two friends. Can I make it not related as friend? Maybe like meeting with someone from the past or something?

Yes.

4. I'm not really good in describing someone. Can I skip it? (I'm using Touhou characters not the doujin one)

If you can get away without describing a character (ie skipping Reimu's physical description) then of course.  Though I suggest you work on that on your own.  Good descriptions are a nice skill to pick up.

Also I'd suggest moving the discussion of story ideas to the other sticky, since you'll likely get a broader audience there (and you can look up previous ideas).

[Ryuu]

http://www.touhouwiki.net/wiki/Hakurei_Border

Hm, I'll need to decide on a border strength for my stories now.

I haven't written anything on it yet, but I have been going on the assumption that, because humans are known to come and go via the Hakurei shrine but not youkai, I have  been assuming the humans of Gensokyo came and went at will.

I've also been assuming that it's rather difficult for non-humans to leave, or to leave via anywhere other than the Hakurei shrine. It seems like normally, it can't be done directly, and must be done indirectly. However, for humans at the Hakurei shrine, I figured that leaving involved little more than walking in the right direction.

These assumptions aren't that great, and I'd like to work on the logic behind the border, and the rules behind it. So please correct me and offer suggestions where needed; logical consistency should be king.

well for one the article you quoted pretty much says youkai can come and go too, though it would probably be difficult for weaker youkai like wriggle and rumia or the fairies

I'm pretty sure Reimu can move through the border too, as she is usually the person who guides lost humans back to the outside world

but there's no real reason or motivation for most of the characters to leave


the hakurei barrier isn't so much a giant stonewall as it is a tightly woven net I guess. shrug

[capt. h]

I almost forgot: Mary Sue has an even more annoying inverse; an anti-sue. This is when a character has many, many genuine flaws but everyone around her likes her for no understandable reason. It's not in the same catagory as "too perfect", but the character, like normal mary sues, beats the plot to death and throws the remains to the dogs. She's even more annoying because at least with a perfect character it could make sense that the world bends around her. With an anti-sue, it doesn't make any sense that someone so awful and pathetic would be so well liked by the cast, or so central to the plot that changes to whatever makes her the center of attention.

[Sect]

First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once.  :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.

[Ryuu]

First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once.  :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.

Does the character have a name you really, really like?
            Is it Raven?
            Is it a variation of Raven?
            Is it Hunter?


I lolled so bad

[CK Crash]

Questions:

About how much text are you expecting? The chapter length of many posted fanfics already varies a great degree...

Does it matter if the submitted text is part of a larger story, so long as it works as a stand-alone story/provides sufficient context?

[Iced Fairy]

As I said, we're looking for something of moderate length, like what appears in the weekly writing contests.  Larger texts won't get as good a critique, because the judges won't be able to focus on details. 

As for the second question, your story should stand on it's own well enough such that we wouldn't know if it was or wasn't attached to another story.

[capt. h]

First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once.  :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.

I'm not banned.

I bolded part of your post because, well, I'm not sure what you mean. Most people on online forums never meet each other in person, so I don't quite get why not having met yet would be noteworthy.

[Sect]

Lame Metal Gear Solid 2 reference. If you're interested, it's at around 0:46.

[Doll.S CUBE]

I'm a very new writer and I'm planning to write the story idea I posted a while back about Magical Miko Reimu for this. It's an adventure and I'm wondering if it'll fit in the what's asked to write about?

[Ryuu]

I'm not banned.

I bolded part of your post because, well, I'm not sure what you mean. Most people on online forums never meet each other in person, so I don't quite get why not having met yet would be noteworthy.

idk I know a good number of my forum bros irl

[FinnKaenbyou]

I'm a very new writer and I'm planning to write the story idea I posted a while back about Magical Miko Reimu for this. It's an adventure and I'm wondering if it'll fit in the what's asked to write about?

Honestly, I don't think this would fit. Unless the whole Magical Miko Reimu thing ends up with Reimu failing thanks to her own ego or something and growing wiser for it (A Touhou Learns a Lesson).

[Dead Princess Sakana]

Honestly, I don't think this would fit. Unless the whole Magical Miko Reimu thing ends up with Reimu failing thanks to her own ego or something and growing wiser for it (A Touhou Learns a Lesson).

Why? There's other ways for characters to learn than failure. And any premise can work for all of the themes, so I don't see any problems. This is just a premise that says there is a Magical Miko, it says nothing about the actual plot, which is where the themes come in.

[capt. h]

Flandre vs. Yukari

Author's note: It's a little rough. I might add some minor edits before the deadline. Two basic rules -  Flandre can break anything provided that it exists, and Yukari can manipulate boundaries that exist.

It was a quiet day in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, perhaps too quiet for one reality bender in Gensokyo. Yukari knew the rumors. She knew that the vampire’s little sister Flandre could destroy anything with a thought. But Yukari has made friends with death itself. And in spite of having known about the older sister Remilia for centuries, Yukari hadn’t even known Remilia had a sister. Perhaps that’s why she opened the gap into the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s basement.

A little blond girl was sitting on a big, fluffy four-poster bed reading a book. She probably would have continued reading if not for the hole in space itself that appeared before her. The girl got up and stared into an abyss with eyes peeping out of it. But perhaps even more strange than the eyes was the ribbons tying down both ends of the tear. Curious, the little girl tugged at the ribbons. She then stretched out both arms, one towards each ribbon, held both hands open, and closed them into a fist.

The two ribbons were shredded, and as the gap closed Flandre noticed the tall, blonde woman in purple hiding behind the gap.

“Hello, I’m Yukari. That’s quite a talent you have there. Your name is Flandre Scarlet, correct?”

“Yep! Who are you, old lady?”

Yukari, greatly annoyed at being called old, tensely responded, “I am Yukari Yakumo little girl. I control boundaries.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m 502 years old, and I’ll be 503 next month.”

“…did you say you’re Yukari Yakumo? The Yukari Kakumo? The strongest in all of Gensokyo?”

“That’s  right.”

“I read about you. Can I have your autograph please?”

Yukari was not expecting this.

“Um, sure.” Yukari responded, opening a gap and scavenging around in it for a pen.

“Wow, that’s so cool!” Flandre exclaimed, staring at the gap in awe. “What else can you do?”

“Well, I can manipulate boundaries. Boundaries are what divide things.”

“Does that mean you can change the boundaries between countries?”

“No, that’s a conceptual boundary. It only exists in the mind, and I would have to shift boundaries around in the minds of every single person aware of the country, and I would have to know which cells to merge and how to merge them. I can’t shift the boundary between truth and lies, law and chaos, right and wrong, or strong and weak because those boundaries are fictional, made up by people for their own use. But I can break the boundary between any two things. Allow me to demonstrate.”

Yukari then took out a pen from the gap and reached for a spell card with the text “Double Black Death Butterfly" written on it. She then spun around once, and presented Flandre with the pen, now adorned with butterflies and engraved in cursive with the name “Yukari Yakumo”.

“Wow!”

“Well, I must be going. Shrine maidens don’t spy on themselves.”

“Can I go with you?”

“We wouldn’t want to make your sister worry.”

“At least play a little.”

Yukari was tempted to. The girl didn’t look very dangerous, and she wouldn’t mind company pranking everyone in Gensokyo. But she reminded herself of all the accounts about this girl and remembered how Flandre could break her gap by pretty much just looking at it.

“I’m sorry, but not today Flan.”

“Then I’ll make you play.”

As Flandre reached for a very strangly shaped spear, Yukari knew it was time to leave. She tore open a gap into her personal space, a space filled with eyes. But before she was closed it, Flandre rushed through the gap.

“You’re the strongest in Gensokyo. I want to play, really play, one game where I attack with everything and the other player doesn’t die on me. Marisa was fun, but I wasn’t allowed to use kyuu.” As Flandre clenched her fist. “If you can’t do that, no one can.”

Flandre started laughing in a manner appropriate for this eye filled void of space, as Yukari knew she made a big mistake in seeing Flandre’s power first hand. Yukari knew that she would find out exactly why Remilia keeps her little sister in the basement, and braced herself for what would follow.
 

Yukari started by throwing up a gap between her and Flandre. Flandre quickly dispersed of this but not before Yukari made her escape through a second. Flandre charged this second gap just in time for it to seal her into Yukari’s void.

“Come out and play, Yukari…”the girl giggled as she began wandering the void.

Meanwhile, Yukari was at her house.

“Ran! Come out here!”

A fox demon entered the room.

“Good. Do you know Flandre Scarlet?”

“I’ve heard of her… why do you ask?”

“Flandre’s in my void right now. I need you to get Remilia to get Flandre out of there. Do whatever she tells…”

Yukari screamed and clutched her eye, leaving the shikigami paralyzed for a moment.

“Yukari, are you alright?”

“No! Now get out of here and do what I told you!”

Ran rushed out while Yukari returned to her void.

Flandre was splattered with blood. She was holding a hand out to an eye in the void, and she closed her fist again, and was greeted to a scream.

“You little brat! Stop breaking my eyes!”Yukari screamed from above, making portal after portal between herself and the vampire. Flandre giggled and slashed at the objects falling through the portals with her laevateinn while using her free hand to close the portals. Though she noticed that these were strange objects indeed, for Flandre had never seen such machines. But Yukari had. Yukari started small, with tombstones and caution signs. But as it became apparent that these would not stop the vampire, Yukari started dropping larger objects. Cars fell from the sky, then trees, telephone poles, houses, boats, trains. When Flandre managed to dodge or split even these, Yukari created the largest gap so far and dropped a glacier.

Flandre decided against trying to split this, forcing her to go around the glacier. When she cleared it, hundreds of portals were opened, and hundreds were being opened by arms disembodied much like the eyes. Flandre panicked and closed eyes and her fists for a moment. One of the arms exploded.

“Gah!” Yukari gripped her arm, but the scream was from below Flandre.

“You little punk! Taste space!”

Beneath flandre a portal opened through which the sun and the stars both shined. It was Flandre’s turn to scream, as the sun burned, the portal sucked her in, and as a stop sign smashed her shoulder.

“YeaowahhahahahHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! This is everything I thought it would be! Four of a Kind!”

Flandre announced her spell and split into four. Two started to take out the portals above, one went after the arms making the portals, and the fourth charged the portal into space, breaking it and going after the youkai behind it. But behind the portal Yukari was holding a larger, cylindrical object. Before the fourth Flandre could reach Yukari, she pulled the trigger, and the Flandre exploded.

The original Flandre was at this point curious about the gaps. While remaining two doppelgangers took care of the gaps and the arms, which were now hurling hand grenades, Flandre wanted to test the structure of the gaps. Instead of aiming at their seal, the ribbons on both ends, Flandre could see that the edge of the gap was clearly something. What the something was she could not tell, but since and the end of the nothingness there was a something, she knew that the something was at least there.

This meant that she could break it.

So Flandre aimed at the edge of the nearest of Yukari’s gaps, and clenched her fist. Then, the tear in reality widened emensely. Massive cracks appeared outward from the portal out which tumbled concrete slabs, and behind the portal she could see buildings that dwarfed even the Scarlet Devil Manor. It appeared to be night in the city, but there were many warm yellow lights. The lights looked like fire, but rather than the flicker of a flame, they were a constant, bright, yellow.

Yukari understood immediately what had happened. While the gaps she made have no existence and cannot be broken, the reality around them which gives her gaps definition, could and has been broken by Flandre. After all, a boundary always defines the edge of something, in the case of her gaps, the gap’s boundary is where existence begins. Which means any gaps she made would show Flandre where the edge of reality is, and thus, give Flandre an edge to grasp and break. But even more urgently than that, Flandre was about to enter the world outside of the realm of fantasy. Yukari did not want to be responsible for the Flandre Scarlet World Tour.

So Yukari prepared her rocket launcher, created a portal above the city-side portal that Flandre cracked open, and fired. Flandre, having seen the weapon before, was able to dodge to the side and enter the city, while the two doppelgangers remained to fight off Yukari. Unfortunately for everyone present, Yukari’s first concern was to stop the dopplegangers within her reality from breaking her arms and cracking the reality within her own realm. Stopping the Flandre outside of her reality had to come second. It was unfortunate because the city-side Flandre started playing, though thankfully not using the power of kyuu.

Yukari opened a portal to the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s front gate, calling for Ran.

“Ran, status update. How do I stop her?”

“There is no way to stop her until she’s had her fun, according to Remilia. Remilia has fated your survival and Flandre’s safe return, but she says we’ll need to gather the hardiest people in Gensokyo to stand much chance.”

“Is that it?”

“Sakuya will be joining you to retrieve Flandre. Remilia also predicts many stray Master Sparks will hit our house if we don’t get her little sister back.”

“Fine, go get Cirno, Mokou, and Kaguya if you can.”

“Cirno?”

“Ice shield.”

“Ah.”

“If you don’t mind…” Sakuya interjected “Now is not the time for jokes.”

“Agreed. I’ll leave this portal open; send the rest of them through here.”

“Good luck you two.”

“We’ll need it.” Sakuya replied.

“You take the doppelganger on the left, and I’ll take the one on the right. We’ll go after the real Flandre afterwards.”

“Jack the Ludo Bile.”

Sakuya pulled out a spell card, and summoned a thousand knives. She then stopped time.

Not many people in Gensokyo quite understand time magic. Sakuya needed to breath, and a full time stop would also stop light. Instead, Sakuya accelerates the air around her to near-light speed, and the things within her sphere move as fast as her. Then, she can take the thousand knives and throw them, each one at a time, at Flandre, which freeze when they leave Sakuya’s sphere of influence until Sakuya starts time again.

This tactic would have worked better had the doppelganger needed to dodge the knives, rather than simply blast them away.

Unfortunately for the Flandre clone, blasting the knives in front away prevented it from noticing the second time stop which sent knives into its back.

Yukari similarly was able to get rid of her Flandre clone with a sniper rifle. Then the two stood before the portal Flandre entered. Through it they could see twisted metal and upended concrete, and the wail of sirens greeted their ears. But much of their view was blocked  by the second portal Yukari used earlier to stop Flandre.

“I’ll get some eyes on the lookou-Gah!, I really hate that pipsqueak.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s on the other side of the second portal, taking out my eyes.”

“On it.” And in a moment, hundreds of the knives Sakuya was using earlier rained down through the back second portal, Yukari space side, chasing Flandre out. But instead of going straight, Flandre grabbed the edge of the portal, spun around it so that she was face to face with Yukari, and clentched her fist.

“You lose.”

Yukari exploded from the stomach, and she was hunched over hacking up blood.

“Little brat…” Yukari coughed up.

“Time to go home, Flan. And apologize to the lady for breaking her.”

“I’m sorry you broke. Wanna play again tomorrow?”

“No.
…but if we ever play again, I’m starting with portals into space. I’d like to manipulate your border too.”

“Sounds like fun!”

“Yukari!” Ran yelled, coming to the aid of her master.

“Don’t worry, I’ll sleep it off.”

“Yeah, about that, when I was getting Cirno, it seems she was in a fight with Marisa, and… I’ll rebuild the house right away.”
“Hehehe…” Yukari mumbled before passing out.

“Aw, I missed it.” Kaguya said.

“I wanted to show you all how I’m the strongest!”

“Hey Flandre, Cirno wants to play with you!”

“Please don’t provoke her.”

“Kyuu!”

“I didn’t know that ice fairies shattered.” Mokou added.

 “Now that was worth it.”

“Do you two want to play?”

“Let’s play break Kaguya!”

“Yay!”

“No, not yay, wait, stop,”

“KYUU!”








____________________

Epilogue: Rules: Mokou, Kaguya reforms quickly. Mokou is a phoenix – burns when she dies, reforms from her own ashes.
_________________


Kaguya exploded into a bloody pulp.

“Now that was impressive,” Mokou complimented Flandre.

“Your turn.”

“What?”

“Kyuu!”

Mokou exploded, the pieces bursting into flames to Flandre’s delight. The flames began to gather behind Flan, reforming into Mokou.

“Wow!” Flandre exclaimed.

“That kind of hurt.”

“How many times can I break you before you stay broken?”

“Kaguya, a little help here?”

“Oh no, I’ll let you have the fun,” Kaguya answered, half reformed but still rather bloody.

“Oh, you’re back too. Yay, toys that don’t break!”

“I’m out of here,” Kaguya said, rushing through a nearby portal.

 “Sakuya, can I play with her?”

“Only if she agrees.”

“No, not in here,” Ran said.

“You’re more fun than princess at least.”

“Yay, kyuu!”

And Mokou exploded again. This time, her left hand flew towards Flandre and grabbed her while Mokou formed around the hand. Mokou punched Flandre with the right as hand as the flames reformed it.

“Hehe, you’re fun. Anything else you’re hiding?”

“Just this.”

Mokou blew her own arm up, sending her hand toward flandre again. But this time, instead of grabbing Flan, the hand exploded as well, right in Flandre’s face. Burnt and bloody from before, Flandre proclaimed

“This is the best day ever!”

And the two fought each other for hours in Yukari’s domain, much to Ran’s displeasure. By the end of it, Mokou’s death count was well into the hundreds.

“That’s enough!” Ran declared, shoving the two exhausted fighters out of a portal and into the front gate of the Scarlet devil mansion.

“That was fun. I liked the part where you went boom, and then you went kablooie, and the pow, pow, pow! Wanna play again tomorrow?”

“It sounds interesting. But I’m kind of tired, Flan.”

“Me too,” and the two collapsed.

[CS]

Hi there, I was lurking around when I first got here and I came across this thread. This kinda caught my attention so I thought maybe I would enter just for fun. Here's my entry, I'm not sure if I still have the time to come here and post this up once school reopens, so I decided to finish it as soon as I could. I hope it doesn't stray from the topics given. This one is more of a "Boy learns lesson". My English isn't that good compared to other writers out there >.<

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?Hey guys look! It?s Chao Oki!? I said to my friends, calling out and pointing at the short boy, who was nicknamed for his huge mole, who then proceeds to turn back and look at us with those round, freakishly-huge nerdy glasses.

?Y-Y-Yeah?? he said with a trembling voice.

I walked towards him and gave him a hard pat on the back. I locked my arms around his neck, tight enough that he can?t run away, yet looking innocent enough that people would pass it off as ?friends just fooling around?. ?So Chucky, I heard you got a hundred for your History, Math and Language papers. Again. You know what that means right?? I said while slowly walking him outside the school, behind the dumpster. His usual spot.

My friends blocked the view so no one from the upper floors could see us. I released the boy from my grip and punched him hard on the abdomen. He fell on the floor almost instantaneously, as expected from one who locks himself in his room to study all the time. I grabbed him by the hair and asked him, ?Ya? cheated on that test, didn?t ya???

He looked up at me and said, ?No! I certainly did not cheat! I studied all day and night for them! I worked hard to get those gra-?

I interrupted him. ?Tsk tsk. You shouldn?t cheat in your exam, Chucky. Cheating is a HUGE offense. You do remember what they told us right? It?s better to fail examinations than to pass by cheating a-

?-and living in shame with oneself. Yeah, I know that. But I swear! I did not cheat in the exa-? but before he could finish his sentence I pushed his face into the ground so he could taste the filthy soil on the ground. I made sure he could taste the embarrassment of trying to piss me off.

?So, tell me. You cheated, right?? I said once again.

?No I didn-? before he could finish, I pushed his face into the soil once again and pulled him up by the hair.

His face covered in dirt all over, despite that his huge black hairy mole was still visible. I decided to mock him by flicking the mole hard a few times. I could see a tear or two rolling down his cheeks. I asked him once again, ?You cheated, right??

?Y-Yes, I d-d-did. I-I-I cheated in the exam? he said, sobbing. By that time I could see his tears flowing down his face like two waterfalls.

I put my hand on his pants and I slowly reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. His pants were soaking wet! I didn?t really care about it and stood up from my squatting position. I opened the leather wallet and took out several notes summing up to a hundred bucks. I threw the now-empty wallet on him and stepped on the side of his cheek so he could taste the sole of my shoe. I made sure to let him understand the consequences if he were ever to attempt to get me mad again. Or any of my friends in that matter.

I looked down at the boy and said, ?You fell down the stairs and were just too stubborn to get help from anyone. You only got some light injuries and the nurse said you were gonna? be okay. During recess you spent all your money filling up your belly to your heart?s content. On your way home you were attacked by a mad dog which you tried to run away from and dropped your wallet while you were at it. When you realized it and came back for it you realized your wallet was empty with only your student card and ID card left. Got it??

There was silence for the next minute or so. I stepped on Chucky?s head, rubbing my foot on his face and repeated what I had just said, louder this time,

?GOT IT??

And with the little strength he had he gave a slight nod, fearing what I might do if he hadn?t. I spit on his face and turned my back to the pile of crap that he is, gave out a soft chuckle and walked away with my friends, leaving behind a boy who was, at that time, completely soaked in piss, tears and sweat, sobbing away.

The day ended after some afterschool club activities. I parted ways with my buddies and walked home alone. That evening was surprisingly dark. I looked up at the dark sky and thought back about what I did to Chucky. Well, it wasn?t that bad was it? I mean, at least I gave him a good excuse to tell his parents if they ever asked him. Haha, in fact, he should feel happy for himself, being ever-so-glad to lend me some money when I needed it.

I continued looking up at the darkening sky, thinking about how impossible it was for a perfect life like mine to get more perfect. I had everything a guy would ever dream of; the brains, the looks, the body, everything! I would always score good marks, despite never getting full marks for anything but I would always end up in the top ten. I was also the most athletic person in school, being the captain of the basketball team, star player for the football team AND best runner in the track team. I even got a black belt in both karate and taekwondo. No one in their right minds would ever dare mess with me! Heck, even the teachers are afraid to get me on my bad side. A female teacher once came back to her car after school only to find it with scratches everywhere and flat tyres. She never dared to scold me in class for sleeping ever again. And so as my mind was wandering around, thinking about my perfection I tripped.

GOD DAMNIT! How could I not see where I was going? How did I not realize there was something there? The holidays are just around the corner and I don?t want to spend my time with everybody with a scar or two on my beautiful face. Everything got so silent that I could hear my own thoughts. I closed my eyes and braced for impact.

And so I fell? and fell? and fell and fell? for what had seemed to be an endless fall. Was I dead? Impossible! Who would die from such a short fall? Did someone catch me? No, I didn?t feel anything or anyone that held me up. I could only feel myself falling. I opened my eyes to see what had happened and for a split second, everything was complete darkness. I was sure my eyes were open because I could see something else staring at me. No, that?s not quite right. I saw hundreds, maybe thousands, or even millions of eyes staring at me from all around me. As I was about to question myself I landed on the grassy floor face-first. WHAM!

Wait, what? How could there be grass growing here? I slowly got up on my feet, rubbing my head and wiping off some dirt on my face. I looked around me. How did I end up in this forest? I know! I must be dreaming! I thought to myself. But the pain from the fall felt real enough to let me believe that it wasn?t a dream, or at least, was something more than just a dream.

I walked around the forest to see if I could find a way out. Hours had passed and I felt like I was only walking around in circles. Most of the trees looked exactly the same. But it was after some time that I found my way to a small lake. Finally! I ran down to the lake and decided to wash my face with the water. It was very refreshing. I looked around and suddenly realized that I wasn?t alone?

Through the light mist I could see a girl sitting on a rock by the lake. I walked up to the girl and decided to ask her if she knew where we were. As I got closer I realized this: she had wings! What?s happening? I was already mad for not knowing where I was, and now I just ran into some kind of freak with insect-like wings? I really can?t believe this. I saw a thick branch that had fallen from a tree. I picked it up and I ran at the girl and managed to catch her off guard. I pushed her off the rock she was sitting on and I hit her a few times with the stick.

?WHERE THE HELL AM I!?? I screamed at the top of my lungs. I pointed the stick at her. All she could do was shake her head. No sound came out from her mouth at all. ?ARGHH! I can?t take it anymore; I am stuck in the middle of nowhere and now this? Answer me! Where am I? Where the heck is this place!??

Still no reply by the little girl! Was she mute or something? Could she not talk? I was on the verge of insanity. Out of pure rage I swung the branch down with all my might. I whacked her hard with it. Again and again and again and again and again! The branch thunders down with relentless, merciless, soul-shattering fury, pounding and poundi- well, you get my point.

After several minutes of endless torture, I looked down at the mutilated corpse of the monster girl. Now that I think about it, she was kinda? cute but looking at her now, she?s still kind- wait, what am I thinking? I looked at the corpse once again and asked myself, ?Should I hide it? What if someone finds it?? and then it hit me! What have I done? I feel so bad?

?

I feel so bad?

I feel so bad for myself!

I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Why would I even try to hide a corpse when I am stranded in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere?

I laughed off my silliness for a while and walked away.

A long time had passed and the day was nearing its end as day slowly changed to dusk. The sunset was as beautiful as ever. In fact, it felt totally different from the sky I grew up under. Is this really the same world I was born in? I was starting to have doubts about it.

The sun was already down and I was starving. ?Maybe I should have eaten that girl? I mean, it?s not cannibalism unless I?m eating a human, right? That thing was definitely NOT human??

I sat down and leaned against a rock. Suddenly I heard something behind the bushes. It was dark as ever, the moon was nowhere to be seen, probably a new moon. I felt a cold chill down my spine and my hair was standing on end.

Something jumped out of the bushes all of a sudden. In the darkness of the night, all I could see was a grotesquely disembodied head! It bounced by itself slowly and approached me.

?Take it easy!? I heard the sound come out from the bouncing head. My survival instincts got the better of me. I was just so hungry I did not care anymore. I grabbed the thing, whatever it is, and held it up to my face. I took a big bite out of its body. What?s this? It tastes surprisingly good, despite the fact that what I?m eating is a living organism which is struggling while screaming in pain and terror right now. I couldn?t get enough of it. I continued feasting on it until there was nothing left. Absolutely nothing!

I gave in to my primitive instincts. As long as I can survive through whatever mess I?m in right now, it?s okay. Before I knew it I fell asleep.

It was not long after my short nap that I awoke. I awoke only to see a dark figure standing before me. It was dark, but I could make out that it was a girl, a really young one at that. One who barely seems like she?s even in her teens yet, perhaps she hasn?t even reached puberty yet.

?Hello, there my name is Rumia? said the girl as she gave me a friendly curtsey.

?Hi, my name is Kevin and I?m lost. Perhaps you know the way to a nearby village maybe?? I asked her in a friendly tone.

Even in the dark, I could see her smiling back at me as she was running around in circles with her hands stretched out. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this girl can?t help me at all. She just seems too childish. Probably got lost herself as well.

?Hey, are you a human?? she asked a very stupid question which I replied with a nod and a big ?DUH!?

?Is that so?? Rumia said as she stopped running around. She put her hands on her stomach and rubbed them slightly. ?I?m hungry. I haven?t eaten in days, you know.?

What she said sounded very weird. Why would a girl ask me if I were human? Can?t she see with her own eyes? Idiot.

I still felt a little sleepy because the nap I just had wasn?t enough. I rubbed my eyes a little and realized Rumia was gone.

?Attacking humans is a youkai?s job!? I heard a voice from behind me and I was knocked out cold.

When I regained consciousness, I was lying on the floor. My clothes were torn. I felt a great pain on my left arm. Or at least, where my left arm was supposed to be. A fact I had not realized until I tried to lift it up. It was gone! My entire left arm was ripped off from my shoulders.

I got up slowly and saw Rumia sitting by my side, slowly chewing on every last piece of flesh on my arm. As she licked off the last drop of blood from my bones, leaving them completely clean, she turned to me and realized I was already awake.

This is bad. I thought to myself. What is this? This is insane! I have to get out of here, quick!

Before I could get up, Rumia mounted herself on my chest and quickly and easily ripped off my other arm. I screamed as loudly as I could, despite knowing I was in a forest and no one would be there to hear me scream.

Is this how it feels to be on the other end of the bully-victim scale? Is this how Chucky feels every time we pick on him? Is this how every single person on this end of that scale feels every time? No. I bet it isn?t. This is the accumulation for what I have done to all of them. This is the punishment I get for making everyone feel that way. This is what I get for hurting people every day. Everyone I had a grudge on for whatever reasons. Why didn?t I realize how they felt sooner? Why did I continue to do it? Was it really that fun? What made me so inhumane? Tears stream down my cheeks. I finally understand how people feel when I do this to them. Oh how I hate myself right now. God, I never believed in you, but if you exist out there, please oh please I beg of you. Please save me from this terrible fate! PLEASE! I don?t want to die!

Rumia laughed as she sat on top of me. She complimented on my muscles and how I did not have too much fats, as she preferred it that way. She thanked me for dinner and slowly sunk her sharp claws into my chest and ripping apart a hole. I looked at her as she pulled out my guts and started gnawing on them.

?Enjoying the view? My, my, you have a lot of guts, Kevin? she said with a wide, bloody smile across her face, and then childishly laughing at the cold joke she had just made.

She leaned closer to my face, as if to give me a kiss. Her lips were only an inch away from mine. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the worst that could happen: her biting off my face. As my body felt weaker and weaker, I started to give in. And then Rumia shoved her hand right into my throat and tore it apart?

?

I awoke in front of a huge river. Surprisingly, I could still move. How did I even end up here? Well, wherever I am, I have only one wish now: to apologize to everyone for what I have done. I know I have been a huge jerkass and if I ever get to see them again, I would treat them as dearly as I used to treat myself. I learned a very valuable life lesson today, but it wasn?t until my very last moments of life that I actually realized it.

I squinted my eyes and saw a boat coming from the distance. The thick mist covered my vision but I could make out what was on it. I could only vaguely see the silhouette of a tall, well-imposed woman on the boat, with what seems like a stick in her hand with some kind of blade on one end?

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Side note: ?Chao Oki? literally translates to something along the lines of ?rotten black mole?, and I am sorry but I do not mean to offend anyone out there. The original characters used in this story are purely fictitious and are based on no one in real life. Any similarities with anyone in real life are purely coincidental. This is my first time writing a fanfic so I have no experience in writing great ones like the other writers out there. Please comment on it and point out any mistakes I have made or anything like that. >.<

*prepares for critique*

[Iced Fairy]

Thanks to our two entrants, and I hope there are more out there working away.  The deadline is the 1st of next month, so it's best to grind out an entry now and polish it.

We'll be working on the reviews as the entries come in, but I imagine the full reviews won't get into authors hands until after the contest.  But we'll probably do them in order, so that's another reason to get in early.

[jaxter0987]

Ugh RL school work along with other commitments have been bogging me down the past month and a half... I don't think I'll be able to make the deadline and have a decent piece that isn't full of shit (We had a short story writing assignment in English class awhile back. Guess what I wrote about?) so I'm likely either dropping out of the contest or turn that ^^^ in for just the critiques. I gotta tell you though that it pretty much sucks compared to what's on here..

[jaxter0987]

Flandre vs. Yukari

Author's note: It's a little rough. I might add some minor edits before the deadline. Two basic rules -  Flandre can break anything provided that it exists, and Yukari can manipulate boundaries that exist....
 

It looks good so far but is that how you plan to end it? Cliff hangers... they don't sit right with me. Unless they provoke thought. Just my opinion.

EDIT: Considering Kaguya is supposed to be immortal.... and given Flandre's ability, it creates a "How did that turn out?" thought I guess and apparently I don't like that? Again, it's just my opinion. Maybe its the best work ever and I'm just a Cirno. Also because of the way I posted, I'm going to make subsequent comments on your writing in this post and the same goes for comments on other people's entries.

EDIT#2:

Actually, no, That's not how I plan to end it. I plan to make this a series, but I didn't want to hold myself to a series, because I'm halfway through 2-3 other series.

I have some time before the deadline, should I make a part 2?

I should note, the quality of all fiction is subjective. Don't be afraid of criticizing something because of who you are, I am trying to appeal to people and I clearly did not appeal to you as much as I should have.

EDIT: Mokou and Kaguya fights are kind of bloody, so I'm not sure how age-appropriate the continuation will be. It should be the same age rating as the previous story though.

Double edit: I'm adding an epilogue. Not to improve the story, but to appeal to my own interests and do away with the un certain ending from before.

I think you should make a part two if you can keep the flow of the story while writing in such short(?) time.
Thanks for noting that, since I probably wouldn't have thought about it and would've been cautious to voice my opinions.

[jaxter0987]

.....
This is my first time writing a fanfic so I have no experience in writing great ones like the other writers out there. Please comment on it and point out any mistakes I have made or anything like that. >.<

*prepares for critique*

I'm speechless and I'm still deciding whether thats a good thing or a subject choice thing. 0.0 Also bold move writing blood blood and gore. Atleast I think it is. But you created an image of his situation in my head quite easily so good job on the descriptions (descriptive narrations, what ever). I don't know how to explain this but it felt... kind of short plot wise.

EDIT: Yeah Ryuu I realized my idiocy. And so I will confine myself to commenting other entries within these 3 posts as mentioned in the above edit. A deserving fate really, posting on impulse. =(

[Ryuu]

hey dudebro, could you just use that nifty insert quote button underneath the post box instead of posting three times in a row

just saying

[Unassuming Squid]

Well, finally finished up my entry. I'm pretty proud of it, for a full story done in 7 pages. Got the idea and wrote it while I was listening to this song, so go ahead and listen while you read, I suppose. Here's hoping I haven't gotten rusty.

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 Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

 The steady footsteps of the man walking barefoot through the deep snow could just be heard over the howling blizzard. He pushed against the wind, a thin blanket and ragged clothes forming the only protection he had against the freezing weather, arms wrapped around his shivering body, stumbling and nearly falling time and time again.

 All around him was whistling white. He didn?t know where he was going. His footsteps didn?t take long to get covered over by the blizzard, so there was no point in trying to turn back. He hadn?t seen anything in hours to mark his location, aside from a few scattered stones and a frozen deer corpse, which was rendered useless as far as food or warmth went.

 Then, at last, a shadow loomed in front of him, a towering shape off in the distance. As he drew closer to it, he could see that it was a large, naturally-formed stone pillar, a decent place to hide from the wailing wind and form a plan of some kind.

 He sat with his back against the cold stone, shivering violently while holding his legs close to his body for warmth. The blanket was almost completely worthless, barely keeping back any of the cold air, but, nonetheless, he covered himself with it to help as best as it could.

 ?where was he going, again? For that matter, where did he come from? He was running away from?something. And he had to go somewhere important, but?where?

 White. Everything around him was so?white. So very white.

 He checked his hands. They were turning blue. He tried bending his fingers, but they felt like thousands of freezing, burning needles were being dug into the joints. Everything hurt too much to move.

 And everything was so white?

----------------------

 The man was slowly awakened by a strong heat and the feeling of someone lifting him up from under his arms.

 ?Geez, corpses are usually so easy to carry! What?s the matter with this one? I can?t be gettin? outta shape, can I??

 A girl?s voice, with a strange accent. The man opened his eyes slowly to see a girl with short, bright red hair, two long braids tied with black bows, and?black cat ears.

 He let out a weak shout of surprise, flailing suddenly despite the stabbing pain in his joints. The girl yowled almost like a cat, dropping him and falling backward into the snow.
 
 After a moment, the man looked up to see a wheelbarrow nearby, its wooden wheels covered in flames and a white cloth over the bucket. The girl was lying on her back in the snow, while two floating skulls sheathed in blue fire fussed over her.

 ?I?I?m seeing things,? he mumbled. ?Cold?s getting to me. Hallucinating.?

 The girl suddenly sat up, rubbing the back of her head. The man could see that she was wearing a long, very dark green dress, and her long fingernails were painted red and sharpened like claws. He even thought he saw a pair of black tails flicking back and forth behind her.

 Finally, her bright, orange, catlike eyes met his, and she suddenly swore and swatted at the snow at her feet. ?Damn! You?re not even dead! I dunno how I coulda screwed up so bad. This?s never happened before, not in my whole life of cartin? corpses. Ah, geez, how humiliating! I?ll be the laughin?stock of Hell if anyone finds out.? Hands on the back of her head, she crumpled forward, apparently having a minor breakdown over this accident.

 The man just lay there, staring at the cat girl in shock. He had to admit, he wasn?t as cold as he had been earlier, probably thanks to the flaming wheels on that cart, but this was all so strange. It seemed he owed his life to this weird girl who would have been happier if he had really been dead. Either that, or he was already dead, and this was some strange death-dream before the shinigami came to claim him.

 The man cleared his throat, pushing himself up into a sitting position. ?Uh?I?I?m sorry if I disappointed you. Who are you, anyway? Are you a youkai??

 The girl stopped her moaning long enough to look back up at the man and sigh. She scratched at a pair of pointy human ears below her cat ears before replying. ?Yeah, I?m a youkai. Name?s Rin Kaenbyou, but everyone calls me Orin.? Grumbling, she stood up, took hold of the wheelbarrow?s handles, and started heading off, the floating skulls following close behind.

 ?Wait,? the man called weakly. ?Orin. Where are you going??

 The cat girl stopped and looked back with those strange eyes. ?Headin? off to let you die so I can take your corpse later, strong corpse brother. What else would I be doin???

 The man was too shocked to say anything, yet again, but he managed to get something out. ?Please. Stay with me for a while. Your cart is warm, and I?m dying from the cold. If you take it away, I won?t last long.?

 ?That?s the point.?

 ?Please, Miss Orin. I?ve been walking alone for hours. I think I?ve been going mad. If you would just indulge a dying man and stay with me for a little while, I promise you?ll have my body soon.? He coughed a few times, starting to shiver violently again. ?Please. Just a few minutes. I don?t want to die alone here.?

 The expression on Rin?s face seemed to show that she was having a kind of inner battle. On the one hand, she wanted to get his corpse and get it over with?but on the other hand, she?d feel guilty if she acted heartless enough to force this man to die cold and alone.

 ??alright, fine,? she eventually mumbled, turning her wheelbarrow around and pushing it back over to the man. ?But if you?re not dead soon, I?m gonna hurry it up. I have work to do, y?know.?

 Once near the man again, she flipped the wheelbarrow over so the flaming wheels were pointing up into the air. Then she plopped down onto the snow-covered ground, sitting cross-legged with her elbows on her knees and her chin propped in her hands. The skulls floated idly around her as her tails twitched anxiously. She seemed very upset that her work was being delayed.

 The man drew closer to the flames, eagerly soaking in their warmth. The wind didn?t hit them so much from behind the pillar, and the flames seemed not to be affected by the gusts of air anyway.

 ?So,? he began, after a short bout of silence, ?why do you need my corpse, Orin??

 The cat girl had been lazily drawing in the snow with a fingernail. She looked up when spoken to, returning her hand to its earlier location under her chin. ?I carry corpses down to Hell so we can fuel the Hell of Blazing Fires. The yamas abandoned it a long time ago, so it?s weak and it needs corpses to keep itself goin?.?

 Yes, the man thought, this is definitely a dream of some kind. No way any of this could really be true.

 ?Anyway, what?re you doin? walkin? around in this weather, strong corpse brother? You lookin? for something??

 ?I really wish you wouldn?t keep calling me corpse brother,? the man replied, sighing. ?My name is Yuuto Nigatsu.?

 ?Sure, corpse bro-I mean, Yuuto. Anyway, what?s up with you??

 ?Well?I?m sorry, but my memory?it isn?t working right. I remember that I have a wife and a daughter. Some time ago I was taken from them, by?slave drivers, I think.?

 Rin?s eyes widened in interest. ?Wow, really? What?d they do? How?d you get out??

 Yuuto rubbed his forehead. It hurt. Everything still hurt. The fire was helping, at least, and trying to focus on the events that he was forgetting distracted him from the frostbite and the cold.

 ?A lot of whipping. They made us do heavy lifting, probably making some kind of building. I got out somehow, but I don?t remember how. One minute we were working, and the next I was running for my life. That?s it, I?ve been trying to get back to my family.? Yuuto?s voice trailed off as he stared into the fire, trying to recall exactly what had been happening. ?I wanted to find my way back to them, tell them I?m alright.?

 A look of genuine concern formed on Rin?s face. Her ears twitched a few times. She scratched one of them and looked down at the snow-covered ground. ?Well?uh?d?you know how close you are? Maybe you?re almost there, and maybe I can give you a ride or somethin???

 The man just shook his head. ?No, I don?t know. I?m not even sure I?ve been walking in the right direction. I guess I feel like if I keep walking long enough, I should reach something, or someone.? A ragged cough escaped from his mouth, tearing up his throat. Once it passed, he sighed and leaned back on the stone behind him. ?I?m not sure I?m going to make it, though. My joints feel like they?re packed with needles, I can?t breathe without it hurting, and I think I?m seeing things.? A laugh. ?After all, how else could a girl with cat ears and tails be talking to me over a flaming wheelbarrow? That?s just ridiculous.?

 The kasha couldn?t help but feel a little insulted that Yuuto thought she was a hallucination of some kind, but she had to admit that it could?ve been possible. She saw a lot of people die in situations like this, slowly expiring from frostbite. Hallucinations were part of the symptoms when it started getting lethal, which was something she learned from all the times she heard victims talking to people or things that weren?t there.

 Yuuto broke into a fit of coughing again. Once it passed, he closed his eyes and sighed. ?I?m not going to make it at this rate. I guess that was a stupid idea, just running out like that without a plan.?

 ?Hey, hey, hey!? Rin stood up and leaped over to Yuuto, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him. ?You?re not dyin? now, not at this rate. C?mon, we gotta get you to your family. I?m sure there?s someone nearby who can help.?

 ?Why are you so insistent all of a sudden? Didn?t you want my corpse just a minute ago??

 ?Yeah, but?but that?s not important right now. Alright, if you won?t get up I?ll look for someone to help. Just wait here, ok?? As Rin was about to stand up, Yuuto?s hand on her shoulder stopped her.

 ?Orin. I want to thank you for staying with me. I know it inconvenienced you, but now I don?t have to die cold and alone.? His grip tightened, squeezing her shoulder. He smiled. ?I couldn?t see my family again, but I made a friend to be with me in my last moments. And for that, I?m grateful.?

 Rin stared into his eyes, unable to move. He looked so peaceful, so happy. Like he knew his life was over, like he knew he had unfinished business and people who would be heartbroken to miss him, but he accepted it. Not like many of the other corpses Rin saw, who were often unsettled in some way, not quite at peace, or they were too decayed to tell. But Yuuto wasn?t even dead yet, and he looked happier than any other corpse Rin had ever seen in her life.

 Suddenly, she shook her head, her braids swinging from side to side. ?No, c?mon. You can?t give up yet. There?s a reason I called you strong corpse brother, y?know. Just hang in there, and don?t do anythin? stupid. There?s gotta be someone nearby, I know it. You?re gonna live, whether you like it or not!?

 Before Yuuto could say anything more, the girl before him morphed into a small black and red cat with two tails. She darted off around the rock, in the direction Yuuto had been traveling, followed by the floating skulls. There was a reason he was going that way, and she was going to figure it out.

 She lost track of time as she ran against the wind, through the deep, white snow. Eventually, she saw a light in the distance. A window. A house. She leaped onto the windowsill and poked her nose against the window, staring between the curtains into the house. A girl and a young woman sat at a table, wrapped in blankets as they ate a meal. Nearby was a fireplace with framed pictures on the mantle.

 Rin could see pictures of Yuuto with the girl and the woman.

 She found them. They couldn?t be that far away, just a short trek from the stone where they set up camp. She could put Yuuto in her wheelbarrow and cart him over, and he would see his family again.

 A black and red streak shot through the snowfield again, running with the wind this time.

 Once she was almost at the rock, Rin shifted to her human form again and called for Yuuto?s attention. ?Hey! Yuuto! I found them, I found your family. You were heading the right way, just a mile or two and we?ll-?

 A familiar scent hit her nose as she reached the rock. It was a smell she experienced all the time, particularly when she was working. And when the upturned wheelbarrow came into view again, she saw Yuuto, leaning against the rock as if he were sleeping.

 Rin?s face was blank as she knelt down next to him. No breathing, no pulse. The scent of a fresh corpse was heavy around him.

 ?You couldn?tve waited just a little longer??

----------------------

 The moon was nearing the end of its journey when Komachi emerged from a purple and black patch of smoke in the middle of the snowfield, riding her small wooden boat across the snow. Purple and black ether held it aloft, allowing it to move through the snow as if it were water. When she reached a large rock, she pushed the butt of her scythe into the snow to slow the boat, trying to figure out what she was looking at. Next to the rock lay a man she recognized as the person she came to claim, but nearby there was an upturned wheelbarrow with flaming wheels and a red-haired girl in a black and green dress lying on the ground.

 ?Is that??

 Komachi hopped off the boat, the snow crunching under her sandals. She approached the girl, who was lying curled up on her side with two evil spirits floating around her, and gently shook her shoulder. ?Hey. Hey, Rin. Wake up.?

 Rin?s cat ears and tails twitched a few times, and she mumbled something sleepily. After a few more shakes, her eyes slowly opened and she looked up at Komachi. ?Oh??s you,? she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. ?Took you long enough. I?ve been waiting.?

 ?I can see that,? the death god replied, a smile on her face. She rested her strangely curved scythe on her shoulder and placed her other hand on her hip as she looked over at Yuuto?s body. ?Now this is a strange sight. You usually take the fresher corpses down to Hell before I can get the souls. What?s wrong? Is he too fresh for you, or something??

 Rin followed Komachi?s gaze, sitting cross-legged on the ground. ?No, not that.? She stared at the body for a moment before getting up to turn her wheelbarrow over. ?I talked to him for a while before he died, and I figured that if anyone deserved a chance to get into Heaven, he did. So I waited up.?

 Komachi laughed, shaking her head in surprise. ?Amazing self-restraint on your part. If that tengu were here, you?d probably be front-page material right about now.? Still chuckling to herself, Komachi walked over to Yuuto?s body and held him by the shoulder. As she pulled her arm back, a pale, featureless human shape rose out of the corpse and stood next to her. It slowly walked onto her boat and took a seat inside, its head bowed. ?Wow, this one was ready to die, it seems,? Komachi commented, eyes slightly widened in amazement. ?Most people aren?t nearly so cooperative. The celestials will even get into fights over it!?

 ?Yeah, he was ready for it.? Rin had turned her wheelbarrow over already and began lifting Yuuto?s body into it. Once it was safely inside, she turned her head to Yuuto?s soul, still sitting in the boat with his head bowed. ?I wonder if he remembers??

 The shinigami placed a hand on Rin?s shoulder and squeezed it gently. She met the kasha?s gaze with a warm smile. ?You did good, Orin. That?s something to be proud of.? Komachi gave Rin?s shoulder one last squeeze, then climbed onto her boat and turned it around. She gave the cat a last look over her shoulder. ?I?ll see you around, eh??

 Rin nodded. The boat slowly sailed off into the mist again. Just before it disappeared from sight, Yuuto?s soul turned around and waved at Rin.

 Rin?s heart felt warm. She waved back.

[Esifex]

I love Orin as a character and I love you for writing Orin as a well-done character with more depth than 'Ooo a corpse :3'

[capt. h]

It looks good so far but is that how you plan to end it? Cliff hangers... they don't sit right with me. Unless they provoke thought. Just my opinion.

EDIT: Considering Kaguya is supposed to be immortal.... and given Flandre's ability, it creates a "How did that turn out?" thought I guess and apparently I don't like that? Again, it's just my opinion. Maybe its the best work ever and I'm just a Cirno. Also because of the way I posted, I'm going to make subsequent comments on your writing in this post and the same goes for comments on other people's entries.

Actually, no, That's not how I plan to end it. I plan to make this a series, but I didn't want to hold myself to a series, because I'm halfway through 2-3 other series.

I have some time before the deadline, should I make a part 2?

I should note, the quality of all fiction is subjective. Don't be afraid of criticizing something because of who you are, I am trying to appeal to people and I clearly did not appeal to you as much as I should have.

EDIT: Mokou and Kaguya fights are kind of bloody, so I'm not sure how age-appropriate the continuation will be. It should be the same age rating as the previous story though.

Double edit: I'm adding an epilogue. Not to improve the story, but to appeal to my own interests and do away with the un certain ending from before. Epilogue moved.

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[jaxter0987]

Well, finally finished up my entry. I'm pretty proud of it, for a full story done in 7 pages. Got the idea and wrote it while I was listening to this song, so go ahead and listen while you read, I suppose. Here's hoping I haven't gotten rusty.

You should be proud of this  :3
I love the transition when Komachi comes into the story and the ending. = ) absolutely loved it!
I don't like the background story for the man though. It seemed a bit too general and vague. I mean I guess it makes the story more focused on the present and not the past but...I just feel like there could've been another reason he was walking through that storm.