Re: The Ghost of the Shipwreck - Chapter Three Updated - 10/18/10

[Myschi]

Okay, I spend my hours reading fics/books in english, and I'll tell you: You are really good at writting.

Yay, other people enjoy it!

The way you described her life was reaaaally nicely-done. I could picture the way Murasa lived, and that was because of your good writting. Artists transmit feelings, and lemme tell you something, I could totally feel Murasa ( if you miraculously can understand me).

Totally get where yer comin' from there. Honestly, though, I thought I was a wee short of details when I did the rough draft (which - as you know, already - is VASTLY different then this, I may post my little writing process sometime down the line, if anyone's interested, of course~)

Also, I could see that in some little parts of the stories (the ones that really don't change anything, but make the story more complete) you could write the things in a way that you...ummm...how to say this? Make them believable, but in some sort of weird way. Like, you gave life to the story by just adding those things.

I think I totally get you here. I think those bits of detail that don't REALLY change anything are called flavor details or something. I don't know. Would supplemental be a good word...? But I've always liked adding those in, just to make the world (setting, anyway) a bit more realistic and beliavable, but not so many to where the story just drags on, and on, and on, without anything getting /done/.

And well, the story...I think it is really intersting, and that it has lots of potential. It is already good, you started with a good idea, and it seems like you really thought about it ( don't you deny it~) Besides, you payed attention to the details of the story, you gave it a background,  you didn't just got into the action, which is - at least to me - a good thing.

Now this is something I'm somewhat guilty of, which is why I (think I) thanked my time spent in class pre-writing a lot of this. To put it into perspective: This story has had about... however many days this topic's been up... of pre-writing to some degree each day. My other work (which isn't Touhou related and probably won't get finished because it's scattered about...) had very little - if any - prewriting about the overall narrative. And it shows. I had to go back to the first pages numerous times to fix details, so I've just scrapped that one for now.

Also, I'm going to try and get in a bit of writing each day so I don't fall terribly behind and disappoint people by, as mentioned earlier, making them wait for nothing. I'm bad about that. :derp:

So, yeah. If anyone happens to spot any errors (grammatical, improper formatting, etc.) please point them out and I'll fix them ASAP.

Glad you all liked it, because it is obscenely fun to write and I'm droning on now, so I'll close the message with this: Thanks again, guys~


Edit: I realized I like mixing in bits of humor with descriptive scenes, just to prevent it from being a dry read. That's not a bad thing, right?

[Unassuming Squid]

Time for my unsolicited advice.

First off, while Murasa isn't a character I have much interest in, I'm curious as to how this will turn out. I have a theory as to how it'll get from here to Shipwreck Murasa, but I won't say anything yet.

I will admit, however, that I have some issues with the writing. I don't usually like it when one or more paragraphs are taken up to describe backstory. It stalls the action and makes me inadvertently skip forward to points where something is actually happening in the current story. In my experience, stories flow better when setting, characterization, and backstory are revealed through the action. For example, maybe the beginning could have started with Murasa in a soup kitchen, thinking about how tired she is of having to live like a poor person, and then maybe someone goes up to talk to her, at which point we find out that she came to the port city to try and get into business there. It would allow the story to keep moving, but it would still describe all the things you wrote in the first couple of paragraphs.

Also, I would suggest that you use exclamation points sparingly. With the number that you have right now, they gradually lose their impact. In fact, you might as well only use them for important portions of dialogue and leave them out of the non-dialogue segments altogether. Semicolons, for a different reason, should be rare. Use periods for the most part.

I think that's about all I wanted to say on this. Try out my suggestions, and if you don't like them, then don't do them. Obviously, you've gotten a good enough reaction from everyone else that this is pretty minor. Keep up the good work.

(Also, good idea on editing the thread title with the date of the last posted chapter. I should do that for my story...)

[Myschi]

For example, maybe the beginning could have started with Murasa in a soup kitchen, thinking about how tired she is of having to live like a poor person, and then maybe someone goes up to talk to her, at which point we find out that she came to the port city to try and get into business there.

I actually REALLY like that idea and will probably rewrite that first bit because it does flow better. And I am all about flow~

Also, I would suggest that you use exclamation points sparingly. With the number that you have right now, they gradually lose their impact. In fact, you might as well only use them for important portions of dialogue and leave them out of the non-dialogue segments altogether. Semicolons, for a different reason, should be rare. Use periods for the most part.

Sounds like a plan!

Obviously, you've gotten a good enough reaction from everyone else that this is pretty minor. Keep up the good work.

Any criticism is welcome because it helps improve this for both myself and for you all!

(Also, good idea on editing the thread title with the date of the last posted chapter. I should do that for my story...)

Yeah... I figured a handful of people would notice it without that~

[Unassuming Squid]

I actually REALLY like that idea and will probably rewrite that first bit because it does flow better. And I am all about flow~

Glad I could help. If you want an example of what I'm talking about, I think my story provides a pretty good example. http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php/topic,6932.0.html

Spoiler:

What? Subtle self-advertisement? Perish the thought.

[Myschi]

There is nothing wrong with shameless self-plugging. :V (Which is the main reason I changed my signature.)

Anyhoo, Chapter Two news!

I've got it down on paper, so transcribing it to MS Word, then the forum (annoying formatting aside) shouldn't take overly long. However, looking at my 'pre-writing' for the last chapter... Well, it's like I'm reading the works of two different people, so I expect a lot will change because I'm rarely happy with my pre-writing, but it gives me a nice foundation to work with so there~

And I've edited Chapter One with Squid's advice in mind! It flows a bit differently than the old and should be more pleasant to read. However, it's the same stuff, essentially. Only read it if you want to, well, reread it. Mainly some phrasing changes after the first paragraph.

And I'm gonna edit that first post now~

Thanks for the replies and whatnot, all!

Edit: Man, I made that title misleading as crap at first. Chapter two will be up when I get it up. Now we've just got news.

Also, if anyone would like to proofread (for some insane reason), feel free to toss me a PM or just pop in here and I'll send you a rough draft of the second bit.

[Unassuming Squid]

There, that reads much better. Though I wonder if the huge chunk of italic text was intentional or not.

I'm open for proofreading, if you need another person.

[Myschi]

Probably unintentional. Lemme see if I can't find it.

Holy crap, was that some awful formatting on my part. I took Esifex's advice and added in the italicize tags into MS Word, but apparently forgot to close a few of 'em, eheheh... :derp:

Also, spaced out the paragraphs so it's less painful on the eyes.

Good news, everyone! Chapter two is about as done as it's going to get short of typing the last bit up and having a few incredibly loved volunteers proofread it. Expect a PM from me - hopefully - by the end of the day.

[Myschi]

I absolutely hate to double-post, buuuut... :ohdear:

Anyway, new chapter time! Enjoy! (Or don't enjoy, that's just a suggestion, really) Again, a million-and-a-half thanks to all of my proofreaders!


Chapter Two

?Come with me, kid. I happen to know a man who just might be able to help you.? The old man grabbed his thick, wool coat and began to put it on. ?It gets a bit chilly after the sun starts goin? down.? Murasa looked up at the fading sunlight as the man spoke. ?Being near the water ? well that only make it worse. No cold, like the sea cold, they say.? He chuckled, tossing a smaller, patchy coat to Murasa, followed by a white sailor?s hat much too small to properly fit her. She poked at the tiny anchor emblem sewn onto it. The stitching was giving out, and the tiny anchor seemed to be in danger of falling and made a mental note to get it sewn back on properly. The old man turned back around, slapping his thigh and letting out a laugh.

?What? Of course it looks silly with the coat.? The worn, burgundy coat was too large for her and the sleeves draped over her hands, making her look like a child trying to emulate her father. ?Especially since I look like some kid playing dress-up who couldn?t find the right uniform.? She chuckled. ?Now,? she started, looking around for an example, ?if I had a nice, white shirt to go with this or something like th-? She stopped mid-sentence to find that the old man, still laughing, had left her behind. ?Hey, don?t just leave me here!? She ran after him, shoving the hat into her coat.

?Now,? the old man slowed, allowing Murasa to catch up to him. He put a finger to his wind-chapped lips. ?Let me do the talkin?, and you just play along.? Patting Murasa on the back, he glanced around the harbor as if looking for someone. Murasa curiously glanced around as well.

The dock, as was usual around this time of the month when trade and fishing ships had the tendency to return, was buzzing with activity. Some of this buzzing was literal, as beehives had become a fairly popular import for upstart beekeepers outside of the city. People of all ages, races, backgrounds gathered here. It was tradition, after all, to come out and see the new goods brought in from neighboring ports, far away lands, and ? if one was incredibly lucky ? the depths of the great oceans. Among the gathering, old and retired sailors ? such as Murasa?s escort ? were prominent. As the pair walked the dock, stories could be heard.

?Listen, boy,? the stories usually began. ?When I was in my prime,? the storyteller said, patting his leg, which gave off an unnatural, wooden thump. ?I lost my leg out?? The sailor fumbled with a map. ?Right around here. So, if you ever go out there, you be careful, yeah??

Cautionary tales weren?t the only thing being told, but tended to resonate with the less-experienced sailors and dock workers. It was a dangerous job, but one that led to stories that could be passed down throughout the generations. Murasa overheard many other things at the harbor, although she couldn?t focus on them completely without running into something or someone.  ?The one that got away,? invitations to drink, congratulations on a successful trip, and ? the most absurd in Murasa?s opinion ? legends of ghost ships and skeletal crews. Everyone was talking or being talked to, sailor or not.

?This place is so? so busy,? she said. Murasa was always stunned by the sheer number of people and goods. No matter how many times she?d seen it before, it always seemed to get bigger. ?It?s? It?s like chaotic, but an orderly sort of chaotic, you know?? She shook her head and came back to reality after nearly running into a beehive.

?That?s one way of putting it; and it?s a good way, too.? The old man looked back in order to make sure the girl was still with him. ?Eventually, you get used to it and just find comfort in the coming of ships and sailors.? He smiled warmly and wiped a tear from his eye. ?It almost, almost makes me want to go back on a boat. But, I?m too old,? he exclaimed and pat Murasa again. ?Not to mention, I?ve got my stand to keep running.? The next several minutes passed in silence, until Murasa finally spoke up.
?So, who are we meeting? A harbor foreman or overseer? Someone who organizes merchandise and goods to be hauled out? A cleaning crew?? Murasa was anxious to find out. The old man chuckled and responded, speaking softly. Even through the hustle and bustle of the harbor, she could hear him clearly.

?Kid, I know a fellow who ? sea willing it, of course ? should have made it back. He should be sitting somewhere with the smaller boats, so we?ve still got a bit of a ways to go. However, this boy owes me a favor ? a story either he?ll tell you while you?re working for him or one that I?ll tell you when you?re old enough to drink.?

?But I am,? Murasa interrupted.

?Well, I?ll tell you over a drink sometime, then. Anyway, the boy owes me a favor. So, I should be able to get help you get something in the way of employment. It won?t be easy, it won?t be glamorous, it may not even be without its dangers, but it would be better than waiting in line with the other poor fools who thought that living in the city meant success. It doesn?t, and I know that first-hand. It?s hard living here, really; however, that?s not something we want bogging our minds down, so let?s keep lookin?.?
Murasa nodded, smiling. ?You?re not too bad, old man.? She offered a hand to her grizzled old friend. ?I owe you a drink sometime.? The old man laughed, reaching out to pat Murasa on the head, rustling the hair beneath her hat.

?Thank me when you get a job, kid. Heh, make sure you don?t hate it either, before you start handing out free drinks.?

?Hey, a job?s a job, old man.? She grinned. ?But enough chit-chat. C?mon, let?s go!? Murasa took off at a brisk pace.

[Marin The Magus]

Oh god...I just love Murasa more  and more~~ (
I've already told you I LOVE her personality~~
The old man was really well portrayed, though we probably won't see him in a long time, that's one of the little things to appreciate
I want to see what happens next |3
So you better write fast, or I'll kill you   (you already know that I can "kyuu" you ?? xD)

[Ryuu]

Delicious. Do continue.

[Myschi]

Oh god...I just love Murasa more  and more~~ (
I've already told you I LOVE her personality~~
The old man was really well portrayed, though we probably won't see him in a long time, that's one of the little things to appreciate
So you better write fast, or I'll kill you   (you already know that I can "kyuu" you ?? xD)

Everyone loves Murasa~ Or should anyway. Because of the hat.

Fun stuff about the old man will be coming after Murasa /finally/ gets started doin' stuff. Fun and sad. :ohdear:

And holy crap, someone's threatening me with death if I don't write? Man, I'm used to it bein' the other way around. :V

Delicious. Do continue.

Will do!

[RainfallYoshi]

You already know I love this.  :V

Murasa is adorably awesome and the old man is nice. I have a HUGE fascination with the sea so all the better. Looking forward to seeing how this goes.

[Myschi]

It will go sadly. Out of revenge! *weep*

I mean what.

Also, update: Got... like... half of Chapter Three done.

I swear she'll be on a boat before the end'a the month. :ohdear:

[Myschi]

Ok, technically a double post until a kind mod deletes that post above this because I feel bad about double-posting. :ohdear:

Two-thirds of chapter three is in a combination of 'on paper' or 'in my head'. Freewriting's been a bit... limited...? lately (a combination of lack of motivation and lack of time), but I'm going to transcribe the stuff from my notes to my notebook right after this because I also feel bad about making people wait. :ohdear:

Edit: My notes and notebook aren't in sync. Notes going straight into word processor, which means y'all get a chapter sooner.

[Tengukami]

Can I make a wee friendly suggestion? Your up-coming chapters might get more attention if you just post them when they're done. As it is, they're going to be sandwiched between pages of 'news updates' that sort of repeat themselves. I think it's neat that you want to share your creative process, don't get me wrong. But at this point it's more like you're saying 'almost done!', repeatedly, when just posting what you write, when you've written it, would bring more attention to the writing itself.

I say all this because I want you to succeed. People will read your work. You're not on a deadline; you don't need to remind us that you're still writing. Take your time. When you do post your next chapter, it will get read. I know I'll be reading it anyway. And if you have questions or ideas you need to work out, there's Koakuma's and Aya's respectively.

Best of luck to you!

[Myschi]

Because I've made you people wait long enough!

And because it's, y'know, done and my proofreaders are /still/ amazing people.

Seriously. You know who you are and I love you in a bro-tastic way.


Several minutes passed as the two walked along the docks, surrounded by ships of various size, origin, and purpose. Everything from small fishing boats to passenger ships, to trade vessels slowly bobbed in the water surrounding them. Eventually, the pair came upon a weather-worn ship that had seen a fair amount of travel. Unlike most of the ships, this one was only surrounded by a handful of men, all wearing variations of the same basic outfit: a good thick shirt, a pair of leather overalls, rubber boots, and the occasional wool cap. Murasa watched the men carefully, studying them. She was unable to see anyone giving orders, supervising, or anything else that would be expected of these men?s leader. Either he?s not here,  she thought, still looking over the group, or he?s so familiar with his crew that he works with them. She grinned, confident in what she was about to say.

?I?ve got it.? The young girl nudged the old man in an attempt to get his attention.

?Hm? Somethin? wrong, kid?? The old man crossed his arms, smiling proudly at the group of workers hauling crates, barrels, and other containers from the ship with great efficiency.

?That guy.? She pointed to a clean shaven, younger man. He was thinner than the rest and seemed to be having trouble lifting a crate. Noticing this, a group of burly men rushed over to help him immediately. He commanded the respect of his men; he was the one in charge. ?He?s the captain, right? Small, young guy who isn?t used to all this work yet still gets respect from his crew, yeah?? The old man shook his head and laughed.

?Wrong.?

Suddenly, a large hand clapped Murasa?s shoulder, causing her to jump and let out a small squeak.

?What, exactly, do you two think you?re doing, checkin? out my ship like this,? a gruff voice growled behind them. ?Well?? The hair on the back of Murasa?s neck stood on end as she went pale. Oh man, she thought, squeezing her eyes shut. He?s gonna kill us because he thinks we?re thieves, and the sun?s going down, and we?re gonna die and I don?t want to die unemployed like this. Her thoughts were firing rapidly. The sun was indeed leaving them, and  the workers from other ships followed suit, heading off to find refuge from the cold night air in a bar or restaurant.

Suddenly, the voice lost its edge. ?If you were lookin? for me, old man, you should?ve just asked!? The voice, still gruff, laughed as the hand pat Murasa on the shoulder. The color returned to her face and her breathing slowed. Or, y?know, a muscle above her eye twitched in annoyance, maybe I?ll kill this guy for pulling that kind?a stunt on an innocent girl like me.

Murasa and the old man turned to face the laughing man. He was, without a doubt, the largest living thing Murasa had ever seen, even when compared to wild animals. Towering over the girl, he even stood at least a full head over the old man and was as wide as he was tall.

?C?mon, boys.? He waved to the men working the dock, who looked up eagerly at the sound of their captain?s voice. ?Our rooms and dinners are ready!? He cut through the air with another wave of his gloved hand.

?What about the booze?? One of the smaller men called out in surprisingly deep voice.

?It ain?t home without booze!?

The men let out a cheer, dropping their work and stampeding past the trio. Their excited chatter echoed into the once-silent city as the men disappeared from sight. The captain watched his men charge to the comfort of inns, food, and - most importantly - booze, wearing a proud smile on his face as he crossed his thick arms.

Murasa took these few seconds to study the captain. He was certainly larger than the others, in height and bulk and was the least ?clean? looking of them all. Dirt and grime decorated his body and clothes and bits of debris fell from his stringy dark hair and unkempt beard as he shook his head and pawed at his chin. The captain looked back to the boat, and Murasa?s eyes followed. Exactly like his boat. Not too pretty to look at, but he gets the job done better than anyone else.

?As much as I love the sea,? Murasa jumped as the captain spoke, bringing her back to reality. ?There?s nothin? like home, yeah?? He turned, facing the old fishmonger.

?Can?t argue with you there, boy.? The old man chuckled and extended a hand. ?Glad to have ya back, even if it?s only for a short time. Everything go alright?? The captain accepted the gesture, his own hand dwarfing the old man?s.

?O? course, o? course. One of the boys got a nasty cold at sea, but we hit a port soon enough. A good run, all in all.? His eyes twinkled. He grinned. ?A good enough run to treat my favorite old man and his grandkid,? he motioned to Murasa, ?to a hot meal. Booze, too, if the kid?s old enough.? Murasa blushed.

?Now listen he-?

?Not my grandkid, boy. You know I never married.? The old man forced a laugh, drowning out Murasa?s complaint. ?Just a kid I owe a favor or two for a few years of hard work.?

?Eh, you may have adopted the kid or somethin?.? The captain shrugged, walking off into town. ?Oh, and everything?s on me. Consider this part of what I owe ya, old man. Nothin? fancy, though. I ain?t that rich yet.? He laughed, throwing his head back. ?Emphasis on that ?yet?.?

?So long as it?s not fish, boy, you could feed me slop and I?d be fine with it.? The fishmonger laughed in return as the trio headed into the city proper.

?O? course not,? the captain loudly proclaimed. ?We don?t get to come home too often and my boys, bein? from the area and all, miss good, red meat. Everyone gets tired of fish when it makes up half your meals.?

A short while passed as they walked along the empty streets. The silence, in comparison with the business of the day, was deafening. Not even the usual bars, restaurants, and inns boomed with noise from the visiting sailors. Murasa looked around as they walked, taking care not to trip over a loose cobblestone. It?s like the city just ? stopped. Kind of creepy, really.

That is, until they actually reached the local bars, restaurants, and inns. The moment they set their sights on the bright lights burning within, noise exploded out from the buildings. Songs, arguments, laughter, and the sound of a punch connecting with the victim?s jaw all echoed into the night.

?That?s gonna hurt in the mornin?.? The captain winced at the sound of the fight, rubbing his own jaw. ?Trust me, you get a drunk guy swingin?? it hurts.?

Every emotion could be felt behind the heavy wooden doors, yet the overall feeling of the air remained warm and homey as the heat of cooking and the scent of the resulting meals drifted outside, filling the streets.

Eventually, the three stopped at a weathered building. The sign, awkwardly propped up against the side of the building, identified the inn as the Iron Anchor Resthouse.

?Home, sweet home, eh?? The captain folded his arms, grinning. ?Go on in, get settled down and I?ll get?cha both somethin? nice.? He placed a hand on Murasa and the fishmonger, ushering them inside to an empty table.

Inside the Iron Anchor, it was anything but quiet. Even compared to the booming streets that surrounded food and alcohol, the Iron Anchor was incredibly loud. Tables, chairs, glasses, kegs, and everything else in the building shook. The sailors tried, and usually failed, to shout over the roar of activity. Every now and then, however, a bit of shouted conversation could be heard.

?Another beer, please,? followed by the slam of a mug on a table.

?Two more steaks for this guy right here,? which came from a skinny man patting his larger friend on the back. ?He?s goin? for some kind?a record!?

?Listen, you son of a-? A slurred, drunken insult was cut short by a wicked-sounding crack, coming from a balled fist belonging to the burly man next to him.

Murasa thought back to the silent, empty streets. She suddenly missed the creepy feeling. However, she could tolerate the noise, for one reason. Oh man, everything smells so good. It?s been weeks since I?ve eaten anything real and good. I wonder what I should get or if I should even ask for anything? I mean, he did offer to get us ?somethin? nice,? right? Again, her thoughts were rapid-fire as she took in the smell of stews boiling, steaks being thrown onto an iron skillet above a raging fire, and pies, cakes, and other sweet, baked goods nearing perfection. I?m dead, right? I?m dead, and this is clearly heaven. A very, very loud heaven. Her look turned to one of horror. Wait? what if this is hell? Oh man, if it is and they bring out food for everyone who isn?t me and I have to sit here wa- Her thoughts were cut short by the captain?s fist slamming against the table in front of her. She jumped and yelped.

?Well, what?ll ya have, kid? You?re the old man?s friend, and I owe him big time, so you two?re gonna eat like kings!? She was barely able to hear him, even as he shouted over the crowd. Murasa blinked, her face twisting into a slightly mad smile.

?H? heaven??

[Ryuu]

RIP Murasa : (

[RainfallYoshi]

Woohoo. Murasa is awesome.

[Myschi]

RIP Murasa : (

Not quite. She only thinks she died and went to heaven, simply because everything was so amazing. If incredibly loud.

Speaking as a fat guy who loves delicious things, I like to say I captured that emotion fairly well. :V (Made m'self hungry writin' the damn thing, too...)

Or were you joking and now I look silly? :ohdear:

[Ryuu]

Not quite. She only thinks she died and went to heaven, simply because everything was so amazing. If incredibly loud.

Speaking as a fat guy who loves delicious things, I like to say I captured that emotion fairly well. :V (Made m'self hungry writin' the damn thing, too...)

Or were you joking and now I look silly? :ohdear:

that last part

[Myschi]

Oops. :ohdear:

Anyhoo, like Tsukiko tossed out, no more news updates between chapters soooo... It'll be done when it's done. Glad y'all like it up to this point!

[Marokuu]

Just popping in to say I find this interresting, haven't read everythingyet but so far it's really good... it's making me doubt my own work. Keep it up :thumbsup:
All that support *paru paru*

[Myschi]

Holy hell, someone found this.

And... I've been trying to keep it up since pre-NaNoWriMo. It hasn't ended well. :ohdear:

And if you want, throw your stuff my way and I can provide feedback if needed and/or wished!