HERE WE FUCKING GO
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Douchebag in Gensokyo
Chapter 1
When you see me, it don?t take an idiot to figure it out. I?m ALPHA. A superior being. A real man, unlike the faggots and fairies you see walking around campus. But it might surprise you, I don?t really score a lot. I know! It?s tragic! But I think I figured it out.
Y?see, bitches are afraid of me. Yeah, you know it, they see me and they?re like ?Oh, he?s so big and mean looking?, but I?m not, I mean I?m big (I?m ALPHA after all, plus I lift weights a lot) but I?m not mean, I?m actually nice unless someone pisses me off.
My last girlfriend pissed me off. She broke up with me, for that fucking queer Roddy, you know, the dude with the boosted F150, with the gay fucking flame job. That pissed me off so bad. Yeah, I roughed her up a bit. Yeah, I broke her nose. Yeah, I killed her dog. Bitch had it coming, ?cause once you?re my girl you?re MINE, end of discussion, because baby you don?t get better than me, I?m ALPHA, and you don?t get better than ALPHA.
Roddy?better not say what I did to Roddy, shit might get me arrested again. But he had it coming too, so what if he?s in a fucking coma, you don?t mess with AN ALPHA WOLF.
But anyway, here?s something awesome that happened the other day. So I was walking with Todd, we were going to pick up some bitches and smoke some ganja, maybe get a little fucked up, maybe get some pussy tonight, and I was already a little jazzed because I had got some new HGH and I had already took some, so what happened next was really surprising.
So we get to the bar and we go grab a table when I see this smokin? hot chick sitting by herself up at the bar. Man, I remember that shit, she was like blonde and had this ugly-ass hat and dress on, and an umbrella thing. She was a little old but fuck, I don?t care, I like fucking old chicks. So I walk up, you know, doing my ALPHA thing and shit, and I walk up beside her and I say to her ???sup baby.? So she turns towards me and she?s got like yellow eyes, like yellow like a banana eyes, no fucking kidding. And she says ?Are you talking to me?? And I go, ?Yeah, girl, I just wanna get to know you.? So she sorta smiles and I?m thinking ?Yeah, I got this, don?t even need the GHB this time?? then this bitch starts laughing.
So now I?m getting pissed, I mean I don?t let any fucking cunt laugh at me, I?m ALPHA, so I go ?Yo, what?s the fucking problem, what you fucking laughing at, bitch?? And she says ?Pink shirt with popped collar, tilted baseball cap, fake tan?yeah, you?re perfect. A perfect douchebag.?
And now I?m really pissed, ?cause this bitch called me a douchebag. But then?she takes my hand. And she says ?Come with me.? And we both go off to the bathroom. So I give Todd a thumbs up because I?m gonna get some like right now and that fag hasn?t gotten shit.
So we get to the bathroom, and I?m all ready to go, then she leads me to a stall and pushes me into it. So I?m sitting on the toilet and this chick is standing in front of me, and I?m thinking ?fuuuuuuck yeeeeeeeah? when she says ?OK, this might be?unpleasant? and I?m wondering what the fuck she?s talking about when I start falling.
I land on my back, hard, on something that feels like rock and I?m looking up and that bitch is looking at me through some eyelid-looking thing. And she says to me, ?A perfect douchebag. Reimu?s going to like you.?
And I?m laying on my back. Not gonna lie, that shit hurt. And I hear this voice behind me, yelling, ?Fucking Yukari!? So I sit up, and I turn around and see this chick wearing some sort of gay looking red-and-white clothes with sleeves that didn?t hook up to her shirt, and she?s walking towards me, and she?s yelling, ?Every time I turn around I always have to clean up her fucking messes! I?m the one who has to deal with the fucking douches she sends over here!? And I?m looking at her while she?s yelling and I?m thinking ?Yeah, she?s kinda hot?
What? Yeah, I know, I just got zapped to another world, and I should be worried but what can I say, you can?t tame a wolf baby.
So I?m thinking, you know, I could get with her. Show her what an ALPHA can do to her. So I work my thing. ??sup, baby.?
She stops. I can tell she?s totally fucking in to me. She sorta stammers out, ?Wh?no, no, no. We are not doing this. You are not hitting on me right now.? So by this time I?ve gotten up, and I?m walking towards her, you know, doing my thing, ready to rock some pussy, and I say, ?Yeah, baby, we are doing this right now, you know you wanna get with an ALPHA, honey.?
She shakes her head, ?Alpha? Sorry, but what did you just say?? And, you know, I tell her, I?m ALPHA, I?m the top, I?m the best man she?ll ever get, but man?bitches are afraid of me, of my power, so she starts laughing (To cover up her fear) and she says ?Oh man, you?re an idiot! Do you honestly think, for one moment, that I wanna screw a walking pile of steroids like you?? She?s laughing really hard now. Like, she?s holding her stomach and shit. ?Oh, yeah, take me you living growth hormone!?
So she turns around, still laughing her ass off, and she yells ?Oy, Mima, you gotta see this douchebag! He wants to fuck me!? And I?m thinking ?Not anymore, bitch.? But then I see something really fucked up.
This chick comes out of nowhere, except?she?s like half a chick. She?s got like green hair, and a pointy blue hat, and some sort of blue jacket thing?and she don?t got no legs, only some ghost looking thing. And green hair says ?Oh, wonderful, Yukari sent us another moron.? So this bitch floats up to me, no shit, she floats and she says ?Oh, right, yeah, this steroid on two legs wants to fuck you. I doubt he even has the equipment anymore, what with all the shit he?s probably been taking.?
So right now I?m pissed. I mean, in the last ten minutes or so I?ve had three different bitches make fun of me, and you know my dick isn?t all that small, I?m a grower not a shower anyway, and size don?t matter when you?re a dick samurai like I am anyway. So I snap at ghost bitch, ?Well, ghost bitch, come down here and clamp that bitch-ass mouth of your around my cock and see what kind of equipment I have!?
Ghost bitch just laughs and says ?Oh, yeah, he?s a keeper.? She shakes her head. ?Look idiot, if you wanna get laid, your options are kinda tapped out here. I suggest you go to the villiage.? She points behind me, to an arch thing and some stairs.
?Just go down the stairs and follow the trail through the forest. The village is about a day?s walk from here. There might be youkai around, but that?s not a problem for an?ALPHA like you, right?? And I?m like ?No, that ain?t a problem, I?ll show those fucking youkai what an ALPHA can do.? And I turn around and go down the stairs and onto this path.
I follow the path for a while. It starts getting dark, and I?m getting tired and hungry, and I don?t wanna sleep in the fucking forest, but I must be lucky or something (Or I?m just that much of an ALPHA) because I see a house in the forest. I get off the trail and walk to it, and I knock on the door.
So this chick opens the door, some blonde bitch with an apron, and I say to her, ?Look, I?m going to some village, and it?s getting dark, and I?m hungry, so can I crash with you for the night? Seriously, I need some help.?
The chick looks me over, and she says ?Ok, ze, why not?? So she lets me in and I say, ?Yo, what?s with the ?ze? thing?? And she says ?What ?ze thing?, ze?? And I?m smart, so I go, ?Never mind.?
Night falls like a fat chick falling down the stairs (And I know what that sounds like, ha) and we?re sitting in her living room. She?s reading and I?m just looking around, thinking ?Man, Sportscenter is probably on right now? and I?m missing my TV. So I look at her, and I start thinking some dirty shit, like me rocking her pussy. But the last two times I tried to do my thing, it didn?t go so well, so I start off slow. ?What?s your name?? She looks up and says ?Oh, it?s Marisa, ze.? And I?m like ?Yeah, that?s a pretty name. I?m Bobby.? And then she smiles and goes back to reading. And I?m thinking, ?Oh yeah I got this.? So I say to her, ?You ever been with an ALPHA before, baby?? And she looks up and says, ?ALPHA, ze?? And I start flexing, showing her the guns and shit, and I say, ?Yeah, an ALPHA baby, I?m ALPHA, I?m the best.? And she sorta smiles and says ?ALPHA. Right.? And I?m like, ?Yeah, ALPHA...so, you wanna get rocked, baby??
Then she closes her book and gets up. ?You know, ze, it?s time for bed.? And I get up too and I say ?Yeah, baby, you ready to get your world rocked?? But then this bitch turns around and says, ?Uh, no, sorry, ze, but I only date members of my own species.? Shot down again! I don?t fucking believe this!
She wanders off to her room. ?Look, ze, I?m going to bed. Without you. You get the sofa, ze.? And when she gets to her doorway, she turns around and says ?If you come into my room, I?ll zap you, ze.?
Pff. Whatever. Bitch doesn?t know what she?s missing.
