hey, I'm only an hour off! <
>
----------------------------------------------------------------
Douchebag in GensokyoChapter 3 I woke up in a room, on some thin mattress on the floor, not a real bed. I took a second to try and sort through all the shit that had been dropped on me; I got zapped from my world to another, all Japanesey one, tried to score with four or five different bitches, struck out with all of them (Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?) and then that last cunt had a knife to my throat?then I passed out.
So I thought to myself, ?This is bullshit?. I mean, all I wanted to do on Tuesday was get drunk with one of my bros, not?not this shit. So I was feeling pretty down when I decided to get off the floor.
So I got up off the floor and looked around. It looked like someone?s bedroom, but there wasn?t a lot of furniture, like there was a dresser against one wall and a desk against another, but that?s about it. My ball cap was on the desk (UW-Madison Badgers YEAH GO BUCKY YEAH) so I grabbed it and put it back on my head, making sure to tilt it just the way I like it (?cause it lets people know they?re dealing with an ALPHA, if they didn?t know already).
At about that time, this woman came through the door and said something like ?Oh, good, you?re up. I was getting worried, you were out for a day or so.? She had on a blue and white dress and that same stupid hat I saw earlier. She also had, like, bluish-gray hair with streaks of blue in it, I don?t know for sure, but it looked stupid as fuck. She walked in the room and put a bowl of something on the desk. Then she said, ?I guess it was the stress of the situation, plus the way that maid was treating you.? Then she shook her head and said, ?Honestly. You?d think that she?d have better manners, being a maid??
I gave her a look over and I decided, yeah, she?s pretty hot. A little older than me, but she had that ?mom? thing going for her, plus her tits were nice. So she turned around from the desk and said, ?Speaking of manners, where are mine? I?m Keine Kamishirasawa. I?m sort of...I guess you could say I?m the protector of this villiage.? Then she smiled and said ?I?m also the person who helps newcomers adapt to their new lives in Gensokyo.? So I said, ?Gensokyo? What?s that?? And she said, ?It?s where you are right now. How it came to be is a rather long and convoluted story, and I doubt you?re in any condition to hear it.? She gestured to the bowl on the desk. ?Here, I made you some more oatmeal. Eat up, you need something in your stomach.?
Now, I don?t really like oatmeal all that much. My mom, she used to force feed that shit to me when I was a kid, and she sucked at making it, so it was all hard and lumpy and shit. But I was hungry, so I scarfed it down anyway. I mean, fuck, any port in a storm, right?
And while I was doing this, the chick started tidying up the place, and I?m sitting here thinking, ?Finally, a bitch that knows her place.? I mean, I?m all for chicks getting jobs and educations and shit, I just want them to do what they?re supposed to, you know?
Anyway, she finishes cleaning up and I finish my oatmeal, and she walks over and says ?I should show you around the village.? And I?m thinking, ?No thanks, I saw enough of the village, I just wanna get the fuck out of here.? But then I realize that this could be my chance to get some pussy, ?cause she seems really into me, making me food and shit. At least, she isn?t treating me like the other bitches I?ve met so far. So I agree to wander around the village with her.
So we head out, and we start seeing the sights. Like, the farms, the market, all that shit. We start talking and she tells me she?s like the schoolteacher or something. And I start thinking, ?Yeah, whatever, I don?t care.? Because seriously, I don?t care at all about what she does, I want one of two things, or both if I can swing it, I want to get back to Madison and I want her to fuck me, that?s all I care about. Then she says, ?You?re lucky you made it at all. The forest is really dangerous, what with all the youkai about.? So I ask her, ?What?s a youkai?? And she says, ?They?re monsters. Some of them look like people, but they?re far more powerful than any regular human. But they don?t mess with us if we don?t mess with them.? And I?m thinking, ?Shit, youkai don?t sound like shit, I could probably take them on, I?m ALPHA, after all?. But we finish our tour and we go back to her place.
When we get back, I ask her, ?So how long can I stay here?? And she says, ?As long as you need to get yourself settled here.? And I think to myself, ?Cool, I finally found a place to crash until I can get back to Madison.?
A little bit later, I?m sitting at the desk, eating dinner when I start thinking, ?You know, this woman?s been so nice to me, taking me in and feeding me and shit, maybe I should repay her. But I don?t have any money on me, at least, nothing that could be used here. There must be a better way?? So I spend a bit thinking of a way to pay her back, ?cause I usually pay back my debts.
So, a little bit after that, I wander out into the classroom section of the house. Keine is there, grading papers or something, and I walk up to her. She looks up and says, ?What is it, Bobby?? And I say, ?Look, you?ve done a lot for me, and I just wanted to thank you?? Then she says, ?Oh, it?s no trouble at all?? But here I interrupt her. ?No, I really mean it??
And here?s where my plan goes into action. You see, I need to thank her, because I really am grateful she took me in. I also need to get laid, because it would be really good for me to get laid. It would focus me and shit.
So I whip off my shirt, showing of my pecs and the guns, and I say to her, ?I figure the best way to thank you would be to give you the privilege of getting fucked by an ALPHA?. And she stammers, ?Wh?wha, what? You mean you?what? I don?t think?? I interrupt her again and say, ?Listen, baby, this is a once in a lifetime offer. I?m the greatest man you?ll ever meet. The queers who live in this village, they?re nothing compared to me.? And then she goes, ?Whoa, wait a minute?? And I go, ?Aww, c?mon, baby, you don?t know what you?re missing.? And I start flexing the guns to show her how ALPHA my body is.
So she grabs me by the arm and I think for a second, ?Aww, yeah.? But then I notice she?s pushing me towards the door. While she?s doing that, she says, ?Listen, while it?s?sweet of you to offer?I just don?t want to sleep with you.? When she pushes me outside she tosses me my shirt and says, ?You can?t stay here anymore. Nothing against you, but?you?re?? And I?m thinking, ?Yeah, I?m too man for her, too ALPHA, sometime I hate being so awesome!? Then she says, ??creepy. But I think I know a place where you can stay. My friend lives in the bamboo forest about a mile from here, she can take you there.? And I say, ?Wait, you want me to wander around the forest at night? What about these youkai you were talking about?? Then she says, ?Oh, they?re no match for you! Now, run along! Bye!?
She closed the door in my face. I put on my shirt, and wander off in the direction of the bamboo forest, hoping I don?t get eaten by one of those fucking youkai things.
---
NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY1APSk0SS0
