Touhou Shorts: 2nd GiG

[An Odd Sea Slug]

"Mmm..."

Slowly, the red and white Hakurei miko stirred, awakening from her unexpected slumber... Her slowly clearing vision first made out a dull light, followed by a strange creature, one with many arms... She instinctively turned her head away, covering her face with her left hand for a moment as her vision and other senses adjusted to the strange situation. Finally, after her eyes adjusted, she looked up.

Wait, that was no creature... Or was it? Now with her vision fully clear, Reimu saw that it was in fact a metallic object with many appendages, each one holding a different, strange, and even frightening looking tool at the end! They looked quite... ...sharp...

With her heart slowly filling with fear an uncertainty, Reimu looked around the room... She had woken up on top of a featureless metal table in the back of a small, dark grey room that looked like the inside of a dome with millions of tiny bubbles forming on the walls and ceiling. The floor, bottoms of the walls, and center of the ceiling were a dull yellow color. There weren't any doors. Or at least nothing that looked like a door... What sort of strange place was this...? Perhaps the outside world? Maybe this was Yukari's doing...

Whatever the answer was, one thing was certain: this was shocking to Reimu.

What really scared her was the fact that her normally razor-sharp intuition did nothing to warn her this time. It just happened without warning! There she was in front of her shrine, playing around jovially with her best friend Marisa on a beautiful day in Gensokyo... ...and the next thing she knows, she's waking up in this strange, dark, and cold room...

And thats when she blinked and realized...

Marisa!

Panicking for her friend, Reimu frantically looked over to her right, then to her left... ...to find a seemingly unharmed blonde girl dressed in a black and white witches' outfit, complete with an apron slowly awakening from her own slumber, rubbing her eyes as she did so. Reimu leaped off the table, running over to her friend, shaking her to wake up faster.

"M-Marisa, wake up! Marisa!" goaded Reimu in a panicked tone.

"Mmmmm, what happened ze...? When did we get here...?" asked the witch, trying to fight her drowsiness.

"You're alright..." sighed Reimu before attempting the best explanation she could. "We were outside my shrine just a few moments ago but... Ohh... Marisa I think..."

"Whoa...! Think what Reimu?"

Reimu took another look around the room as she answered.

"I think we may have been kidnapped!"

"Wha...?! Kidnapped?!" exclaimed Marisa, suddenly forgetting her drowsiness snapping awake.

Both girls' hearts nearly jumped right out of their bodies when they heard a loud banging sound... In the front of the room, the wall began folding upward like paper, allowing several strange beings with what could only be described as large, metallic 'eyes' in front of them began floating into the room. Yes, floating. They appeared in no way to be walking on the ground, but hovering mere inches above it instead. They had on dark grey cloaks with sharp looking, bird beak-like silver shoulder pads. They were wearing glass bowls over their heads that obscured their faces. They were all talking in a dialect that Reimu and Marisa were not at all familiar with.

"Huh... I've never seen youkai like that before..." commented Marisa, sitting up.

Reimu, now looking angered, ran toward the beings, stopping near them.

"You there! I can tell you're the ones who brought us to this detestable place! Tell me, did Yukari put you up to this? Well?"

The beings only appeared to be talking softly amongst themselves...

Why won't they answer...? Wait, can they even understand me...? thought Reimu briefly. "Let us go at once!"

But the young miko was still ignored. Or rather thats what she thought...

"Aaaah! If you won't answer then we'll just blast you away!"

With that, Reimu formed several energized ofuda with her right hand before throwing them at the beings and their floating eyes! Suddenly, the eyes began glowing, a yellow energy barrier suddenly rising up to defend the beings against Reimu's vengeful attack! The ofuda were stopped as if they were nothing, floating right to the floor as if they were merely dropped by a small child!

Reimu stood in shock at the display, unable to believe her attacks could be stopped in such a manner... What sort of magic was this?! Gritting her teeth, the miko threw another wave of ofuda at the strange beings! Then another, and another, and another, and another! But they all failed.

Panting, Reimu's heart sank as she slowly backed away from the apparently powerful creatures who were still talking to themselves, almost as if they were observing her...

"W-what...? What are you...?!"

Further back in the room, Marisa looked on in equal shock wondering just what was going on. The witch started sitting up, now knowing that this was a rather dire situation. Looking nervous, she gulped her throat, sweating a bit as well...

Okay, we can't hurt them! Now what...? though Marisa to herself.

Marisa got her answer... ...in the form of the strange bubble like patterns on the walls and ceiling began turning an odd purple color, right as an incredibly painful screeching sound filled the room! Reimu and Marisa were suddenly racked with terrible pain all over their bodies as they covered their ears! The effort to drown out the sound was futile. Reimu could swear that the sound was like thousands of needles to her very soul as she collapsed to her knees, helpless before the horrible sound. Marisa found herself writhing in her bed, her mind begging for the sound to stop.

After two minutes, it finally did. Dazed from the horrible sound, Reimu did nothing -or rather was unable to do anything- to defend herself from the creatures when they walked up to her, grabbed her, then held an odd device to her face. Held like one would hold a broomstick or a gohei, the object had a kaleidoscope-like device of many shifting colors on its tip. Reimu felt its effects without even needing to look at it directly. She moaned, fighting to stay conscious, but all for naught. She soon returned to sleep.

Looking very weak yet angry, Marisa looked over to the beings as they laid the unconscious Reimu back on her table.

"H-h-hey...?! What are y... ...you... ...doing to us...?!" stammered the witch with her last remaining energy.

Just then, one of the many-armed metal objects (there were actually two in the room, one for each table) sprung to life, moving an arm with an object looking almost exactly like the one just used to knock out Reimu towards Marisa's face! Unable to resist, Marisa was knocked out in seconds.

With both girls unconscious, the beings began speaking again, even as a metal tray table with a great deal of surgical tools moved toward them. One of the beings grabbed what appeared to be a scalpel in its grey, dinosaur-like, three fingered right hand and moved toward Reimu...

****

Sikieiki sighed. What a long and frustrating day it had been... There were so many oddly rambunctious spirits about, so wild and rabid that even the great Yama had a difficult time giving them their sentences, and even when she finally came to a decision, the spirits had to be quieted and told repeatedly so they could finally hear. She leaned back in her chair, sighing, taking advantage of what was to be a short lived reprieve.

Like anyone else, Siki wondered just what in the world was causing such a disturbance. She crossed her black stocking covered legs as she leaned back into her large, red, wheeled leather chair, looking up at the ceiling before briefly putting her pen to her mouth before tapping it on the desk unconsciously. As her thoughts turned to what had been happening throughout the day, the fatigue it had caused began to set in... She let out a rather wide yawn, her efforts to fight the sleepiness proving futile. Before Siki had realized it, she had drifted to sleep...

(Choose your path...)

Final A:

Spoiler:

Siki had barely been asleep for five minutes when the loud creaking of her court room's doors beckoned her to awaken. She slowly opened her eyes, seeing the blurry figure of her Shinigami assistant Komachi Onizuka walking toward her, giant scythe in hand. The red headed Komachi walked up to her bosses' desk, wearing her ever present sly and playful grin. Nothing was out of the ordinary for her.

"Hee hee... Long day Eiki-sama?" asked the Shinigami.

Siki blushed a slight bit, as she suddenly straightened up. She always got on Komachi's case for slacking off and being asleep at her own job of transporting souls across the river known as the Sanzu no Kawa. This wouldn't exactly look good. Then again, Siki was like this from working so hard as opposed to Komachi, who was lazy... Even so, this did not look good. She was understandably embarrassed, but did well to keep her composure, immediately going to business.

"It has been unusually busy here by the usual standards of my fellow Yama and I, but I can assure you that I was merely resting my eyes for a very brief moment to alleviate some of the stress." explained Siki.

"Perhaps, but I'm being told differently by the moisture currently around your eyes." chuckled Komachi, pointing at Siki's face.

"Ah...!"

Siki's jaw dropped as she quickly stood up and turned around to frantically wipe her face before turning back around to face Komachi, her ever stoic expression marking her face yet again.

"Now whatever were you talking about Komachi?"

"Wow, that stress is reeeeaaaally starting to get you huh? Well, it was only a matter of time anyway... You should really take a vacation once in awhile, or you'll get wrinkles!" laughed Komachi.

"Does that mean you're never worried about getting wrinkles?" asks Siki.

"I'm the most beautiful Shinigami Gensokyo has ever seen! I don't think that will ever change."

"I think it can... With your lack of working, you won't have to worry about wrinkles, but you'll definitely have to worry about getting fat." said Siki with a slight smile.

Komachi's jaw dropped... ...for a moment.

"N-nonsense! I eat a steady diet of apples and riceballs each day!" replies Komachi reassuringly, placing her free right hand on under her neck. "I probably won't ever lose this figure."

"Bah. In anycase you should get back to work. The next wave of spirits should be arriving at anytime."

"Didn't I just say you're gonna get wrinkles?" asked Komachi, feeling awkward as she scratched the side of her cheek.

Siki sat back down.

"Well it isn't anything a good bit of magic can't fix, no?"

"I guess... Though its not like you're going to have to worry much longer... Kinda sad..." sighed Komachi turning partly to the side and stretching out. "But... Yeah..."

"Huh? Komachi, just what in the world are you going on about all of sudden?" said Siki, raising an eyebrow as she looked up at her servant.

"You know you're right. It really is time for me to get back to work... Ah, with this you'll never have to worry about stress again!" said Komachi cheerfully.

Siki was rather surprised by the words.

"Eh? Are you saying your actually going to work diligently for once?" she asked.

"Heh heh heh, all you have to do is sit back and relax while I work." answered Komachi.

"That is your answer? What are you going to do exactly...?"

Komachi held her open right hand above her should just as a strange purple portal appeared above it, appearing to be tied by red ribbons at its top and bottom... A vaguely L shaped object, metallic emerged from the portal and dropped into Komachi's hand... It had a hole, and a trigger. Komachi held up the device and pointed it at Siki...

"This."

A loud bang could suddenly be heard as Komachi pulled the trigger. Siki was shocked out of her mind as an excruciating and burning pain suddenly racked her torso. She briefly jumped up out of her seat with a gasp before plopping down again, covering the bleeding wound with her hands. Her face was covered in sweat, and her eyes were filled with horror.

"K-K-Komachi...! W-what is...?!"

Komachi put on a sinister smile as she adjusted her aim, and sent another bullet into the Yama's left shoulder. Siki cried out in pain, rolling to the side as she drooped somewhat from her chair, covering the new wound with her bloodied right hand.

"Whats wrong Eiki-sama? I'm doing my job aren't I? You do not approve? Well it shouldn't matter as long as we get results no? A jobs a job anyway, so if you would be so kind..."

Komachi walked closer to the desk, the metallic object that was apparently a weapon of unspeakable magic grasped firmly in her hand...

"...please die."

All Siki could do was look up at her traitorous servant with ultimate fear and shock as tears rolled down her eyes... Komachi aimed dead at Siki's head. She smiled devilishly as she pulled the trigger...

****

The body of Sikieki Yamaxanadu was found at xx:xx on x day, laying on the floor in a pool of fresh blood. Her funeral was held at the Hakurei Shrine less than a week later. Komachi Onizuka has since been missing...

***

Final B:

Spoiler:

Siki slowly woke up, her vision blurred from drowsiness. In her sleepiness, she could swear she saw a familiar blue, white and red figure directly in front of herself along with... ...many figures in black... After a moment, she snapped awake, shocked at the number of non-spirits in the room with her at once. So shocked, she probably didn't notice that she was completely surrounded... At her front was a Shinigami named Komachi Onizuka, and with her was an entire group of fairies clad in 19th century Japanese police uniforms.

"Hm, awake are ya?" asks a smiling Komachi.

"K-Komachi, what are you doing in here with all these fairies?!" asked the shocked Yama.

"My my, feeling a little energetic after that little nap of yours, aren't you Eiki-sama?" asks Komachi teasingly.

"I want you to stop your usual playing and tell me what the meaning of this is! You're supposed to be at your posts at this time!"

"Are we free to sleep while at our posts?"

"Don't talk such nonsense!"

"Then what were YOU doing just now, Eiki-sama?" retorts Komachi, her smile becoming even wider and more mischievous.

Siki's jaw dropped for a moment before she shook her head, not having time to wallow in her own hypocrisy.

"Th-th-thats different...! Nevermind, just stop playing around and go back to work, or else I'll have the whole lot of you fired!"

Neither Komachi, nor her fairy companions moved... Komachi merely chuckled.

"But we are at work Eiki-sama." she said.

"So you still choose to make a fool out of me..." growled Siki, starting to get really angry now.

"Heh... Its funny how you always go around telling people to better themselves, and yet your the one about to be punished..." said Komachi somewhat cryptically.

"Ah, you're not even making sense now!"

"It will all make sense in a moment... For you see, theres someone very powerful who requests your presence, Madam Yama. Ladies, if you please..."

Following the scythe wielding red head's orders, the fairies ganged up on Sikieki!

"Wha...?! What are you doing?!" shouted Siki.

As Siki struggled in their grasp, ropes were tied around her body, weakening her resistance. They were tied tightly and securely over her shoulders, over and under her chest, with additional ropes lower down toward her waist, binding her already crosstied hands to her body (and further binding her arms). Her ankles, and legs (above and below the knees) were tied as well. After finishing, the fairies pushed Siki down into her chair, where she struggled and thrashed against the ropes with all her strength, but to no avail.

"Release me this instant! You're all going to get it, big time! I'll make damn sure of it!" demeaned the captured Yama.

"Sorry, but this is so you can't try to escape from our new mistress Eiki-sama." said Komachi, smiling with a shrug.

"New Mistress?! Komachi what are...?!"

Siki was interupted by the sound of a large portal opening behind her, one that seemed to be tied with red ribbons on its sides...

"Well, that was sooner than expected! Time to go Eiki-sama!" said Komachi cheerfully.

"Why you...!" growled Siki, attempting to get up.

The fairies pushed her right back down into the chair. They proceeded to gag Siki with a white cloth over her mouth before using extra ropes to bind her to the chair. One fairy then span the chair around, and began rolling her into the portal. Siki struggled while looking away from the great many eyes staring at her from inside the portal...

***

The great Yama Sikieiki Yamaxanadu, along with her assistant Komachi Onizuka and a small contingent of fairies were reported missing on x day of x month. The search for them is being carried out without interuption by Yama security squads along with the Tengu tribe. If you have any information, please contact the Miko of the Hakurei Shrine. Rewards are being offered for any truthful information.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

*Krraching!*

The maid staggered back... Her movements had become unstable, as if she would collapse any moment from her pain. Wounds from sword slashes marked her body as blood soaked her clothes. How did this happen...? It had been such a peaceful day... And Youmu was normally a very gentle girl... But not now. The half-ghost now only had the look of death in her crimson eyes, like she wanted... ...needed to kill the maid. Traces of the maid's blood decorated the court yard outside the Scarlet Devil Mansion, letting the world and nature know that she was the victim of Youmu's surprise attack.

"Youmu... ...why?!" gasped Sakuya as she wearily attempted to draw six more knives. "You seemed so normal one moment, and when I wasn't looking... Youmu, why?!"

But Youmu could only repeat one simple chant...

"I... ...have to. ...have to. I have to... I have... I must do it... I must kill them..."

The half-ghost's voice was quite nervous and paranoid sounding, an expression of desperation covering her sweat-drenched face. Her eyes constantly jerked in every possible direction, eyebrows and eye lids constantly twitching. Somehow, she was still able to fight effectively, even while in this state. She had even managed to do away with Sakuya's pocket watch, thus destroying her time manipulation ability.

She slowly walked up to the maid again...

"I must... I must... I-I-I have to. For m-my sake..."

"Youmu!" growled Sakuya, unable to ignore the pain in her body as she held up her knives. "You say you want to destroy us... Is this why Meiling was nothing but a corpse in the forest, and why Koakuma is missing?! Did you do this?!"

". . ."

"Raaagh!"

The maid threw all six knives at the insane swords-woman, only to have them all deflected with one skillful slash. Sakuya reached behind herself, drawing two more knives as she blocked and parried Youmu's charge, causing her to stagger backwards. It was then that the heavily breathing Youmu gritted her teeth and scratched at her neck... Sakuya was shocked to see maggots crawl their way out of the half-ghost girl's neck as she scratched.

"...running out of time... Have to kill you all... Have to kill you all...!"

Suddenly, Youmu drew the shorter of her two swords, slamming it blade first into the very ground she stood upon. She then held her longer sword at the ready, not doing anything. Unwilling to wait for Youmu to do something, Sakuya grunts to herself as she begins charging forward at the ghostly swords-woman, drawing more knives as she did so.

"You will NOT enter the mansion and endanger ouju-sama! I will not allow it!" announced the charging maid.

Just then, Youmu suddenly whacked the hilt of her shorter sword with the side of her longer one's blade, cracking the ground around it... The next step Sakuya took, she found the ground breaking under her!

"What?!"

Surprised, she was not able to react in time, as the cold hearted steel pierced her flesh... Blood splattered all over Youmu as she white-knuckled her deadly blade, her final stab complete. It was all over for Sakuya.

"N-no..." muttered the fallen maid.

Youmu slowly withdrew her sword, letting Sakuya fall to the ground. The crimson covered sword girl briefly watched the dying Sakuya as she gasped for breath, attempting futilely to crawl forward as a rapidly expanding pool of blood formed around her.

"Mi... Mistress...!"

Apparently satisfied, Youmu turned around, remembering to retrieve her shorter sword as she walked toward the Mansion's front entrance, that same glassy paranoid stare present in her eyes... She paid no more mind to Sakuya as the maid drew her last breath of life...

"Yes... I have to kill them... Kill them before they kill me..."

She began staggering haggardly as she walked, like she was some sort of drunkard, scratching at her maggot infested neck on occasion...

"No... Not just kill me... No... They'll... They'll eat me... They will eat me... Eat..."

***

"Ah, Ran-san. Are you here for business?" asked Alice Margatroid as she greeted the Kitsune shikigami Ran Yakumo at her front door.

"...you could say that. I have orders from Yukari-sama to discuss a few things with you. May I come in?" said the fox woman in her usual gentle tone, though devoid of its normal warmth.

It would seem that she was quite serious... The two youkai women soon took seats at the house's table, cups of tea in their hands.

"So what is it that your Mistress wished for me to know?" asked Alice.

"Well... She has been watching 'certain things' happening in Gensokyo for the past few years. She has been very concerned about one particular situation, I won't say what. But that is where you come in, Margatroid-san." explained Ran.

"Ah... Does she intend to ask me for assistance?"

"Not quite... She has a more specific thing to ask of you." said Ran before taking another sip of tea.

Alice hesitated for a bit, puzzled as to what Yukari could possible want with her.

"Um... What is it she wants?" asks Alice a little nervously with a suspicious tone.

Ran took a long sip of tea, followed by a long pause, her eyes not opening for a moment. Finally, she spoke.

"She wishes for you to be silent, Alice Margatroid." spoke Ran matter-of-factly.

"..."

Alice blinked and stared at the kitsune youkai.

"...uhh... I... ...do not quite understand..."

"It is quite simple, Margatroid-san." began Ran. "Lately... ...whether or not you've been aware of it, you have been a thorn in the ouju-sama's side, a liability in fact."

"W-wait, just what is...?!"

The shocked Alice was interrupted.

"Even though you made no attempt to interfere directly, your very existence has become a threat to my mistress' plans. She wishes for you to be... ...'out of the way' as I would say. To put simply Margatroid-san..."

Ran put her hands on the table as she opened her eyes... Alice began sweating a small bit.

"...you have to die."

Alice quickly stood up, as she broke out in a cold sweat. Supreme fear ruled her face.

"Y-y-you can't be serious...! All I do is maintain my dolls in this hou-"

"I am sorry, but this is out of my hands. Accept your fate child."

With that Ran suddenly blazed across the table like a white-colored ball of flame toward Alice. Panicking, the doll maker shrieked as she tumbled out of the way of her assassin. She quickly stood up, looking around frantically for her assailant. The panicked look on her face was perfectly understandable. A trusted ally had suddenly turned into a murderer in the span of a few short minutes. It was happening so fast...

Suddenly, Ran appeared right in front of the doll using Youkai, causing another shriek with that action alone.

"SHANGHAI!" shouted Alice as she pointed her open right palm forward...

But nothing happened... Alice's trusty combat doll did not appear...

"W-what?! Why?!" gasped Alice, looking at her right hand, now pale along with the rest of her skin from fear.

Before she could do anything more, Ran charged at her, grabbing her by the neck with her left hand, and slamming her against the wall. Gasping for air, Alice quickly begged for her life...

"Please, don't do this! I'll do anything! If I wronged your mistress, I'll correct the mistake for as long as I need too! Please...!"

Ran merely looked at at Alice regretfully for a few moments before drawing a knife and closing her eyes...

"Our business is concluded."

"N-N-NOOOO-*!!!"

Suddenly, Alice felt an extremely sharp pain as the cold and sharp object pierced her body many times. Alice could no longer scream or take a breath as she experienced her murder, her own youkai blood running down her dress and dripping to the floor. Tears rolled down her cheek as she was stabbed. After some twelve stabs, Ran let go of the dying doll maker, letting her slump to the floor. Putting the knife away, Ran simply turned around, and left out of the front door. But she did say one last thing...

"Farewell, Alice Margatroid."

The silently crying Alice tried to reach her right arm toward her murderer, but it quickly slumped back down, right into the pool of the girl's own blood. All she could think about -the last thing she would ever think about- was just one simple question: why? Without understanding anything, the last of Alice's life slipped away from her.

(...)

Back outside, Ran watched as one her mistress's portals opened in front of her. Out came a small, winged doll with blond hair and a red dress...

"The deed is done." said Ran. "Now will you tell us where the gateway is as promised, little Shanghai doll?"

The doll nodded with an elated look on it's 'face', fluttering it's wings with utmost enthusiasm.

"Excellent."

Ran couldn't help but smile a small bit.

"I have the feeling you will serve your new mistress well..."

****

Red. All red. Flapping her bat like wings violently, she desperately flew down the hallway, trying to find any means of escape from the terror she had unleashed... Fear and desperation -things she'd rather die than let anyone see- held strong upon her sweat and blood covered face. Their roars echoed throughout the mansion, as if to boast that they knew of her final fate... The same fate that had befallen her friends and family...

Sakuya, Meiling, Koakuma, Patchouli, all the fairy maids, even her powerful younger sister Flandre... ...were dead.

And they had all died trying to do the same thing... ...escape. But the creatures made sure there was no escape... Their blood craving presence covered every last inch of the mansion. Blood red was all she could see. She didn't know if it was blood, or her vision anymore, nor did she care. Nothing she did, not even the strongest spellcard could stop them. They were everywhere, heartless killing machines, no remorse, no sympathy, no intelligent thought... ...and no mercy.

Finally, the girl managed to reach the observatory, the only place in the mansion that the creatures hadn't tainted with their evil... Or had they...? She barely held back a shriek of terror as the giant clawed hand of one of the beasts shattered the wall of the windowless observatory wall right in front of her...

Without hesitation, she bolted to the right, only thinking of getting away from this terror... The madness she had unleashed upon herself, and her friends... More of the red eyes, claws and teeth greeted her as she rounded the corner. She escaped to the right... More eyes... Everywhere she looked, more and more... They where everywhere... Surrounding her... Escape was no longer possible. They slowly closed in on their prey. She watched them, panting from fatigue as they came closer. A tear rolled down her eye. It wasn't possible to tell whether or not she excepted her fate.

But... Something unexpected happened... Even as tears rolled down her blood covered face, dripping down to her tattered dress, a smile slowly formed across her face... She backed into the wall and slumped down into a sitting position, no longer able to hear the roars and growls of the beasts that besieged her. The smile was sweet... For a moment... But it soon curved into a smile of undeniable madness as she laughed wildly, even as tears strolled down her face. The laughing would continue, even as she felt her flesh torn to shreds...

She wanted to create the ultimate guardians for herself... ...and she succeeded.

That was the end of Remilia Scarlet. That was the end of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. And as that night progressed, the invincible beasts spread out from the mansion, and into the rest of the land. No one could stop them. Even the mighty Sukima soon fell... That day shall forever be remembered as the ultimate end of Gensokyo.

****

Twas a peaceful day... Meiling was enjoying the tranquil sunshine as she stood in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's front gate, guarding it from any possible trespasser. She felt rather lively today, eased by the gently flowing green grass and the fluttering of passing butterflies. Truly a day where nothing could go wrong.

Thats when something went wrong.

Suddenly, the mansion librarian Patchouli Knowledge burst out of the ground, leaping over the gate at Meiling while aiming a large sledge hammer at her head!

"AKI-ZAKI!!!" she shouted.

Meiling turned around...

"KYAAAAAAA?!" she screamed as her head met with the sledge hammer's with a resounding and thunderous thud.

Meiling fell back first to the ground, moaning with large anime swirls in her eyes. Patchouli stood over her target, sweating and panting as she stared down at the KO'ed Meiling. Soon, Remilia walked up to the sight, wielding a parasol to protect herself from the sunlight. The Vampire looked down at the KO'ed Meiling.

"Why did you do that?" she asked Patchouli simply.

"I felt like it." answered Patchouli simply.

Remilia peeked over at Patchouli out of the corner of her eye for a few moments whilst raising her eyebrow before looking back down at Meiling.

"Okay then."

Then she turned around and headed back to the mansion.

****

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREE AT LAST! Now to take my sweet revenge upon the purple plebeian that so precariously imprisoned me!" shouted a demented female voice coming from the floating book.

The book floated high above the table, maintaining a deathly yet bright purple aura as it laughed. Patchouli stood in front, looking above toward the evil book. There was a bit of sweat on the side of her face.

"Um... You're not free. Merely awakened. Technically you're still trapped inside that book." pointed out the purple librarian.

"Same difference! The point of the matter is now I can have my...!"

"I'm not the one who imprisoned you either. You were like that when I found you." interrupts Patchouli.

"W-w-w-wait, WHAT?! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU FREE ME THEN?!"

"I was not aware of your existence until now. Now who was this 'purple plebeian?'

"Someone I loathe, who's head I shall grasp firmly IN MY MIGHTY HAND OF DARKNESS AND EVIL!"

"Errr..."

"OH COME ON, I'M STILL GETTING USED TO THIS! Besides, just because I lost my body doesn't mean I lost my mind, correct?!"

"Well, I think you have lost your mind." says Patchy casually.

"HOW DARE YOU...!"

"Just look at how excited you are."

"WHAT DOES MY OVERLY FLAMBOYANT BEHAVIOUR HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!"

"Well, you're yelling incessantly, and all your dialogue ends with exclamation marks."

"I DO NOT... ... ... ... I do not yell."

"Good job."

"And I act this way because I'm a dragon!"

"A dragon?"

"A DRAGON!"

"A dragon?"

"A FATHERHUGGING DRAGON!"

"Do you dunk people in your coffee?"

"YES!"

"I'm afraid there isn't any room for you then." sighs Patchy. "The over caffeinated are not welcome in the library of Voile. You will have to die."

"Fool... I AM A SUPA DRAGON PRINCESS DEATH ASSASSIN NINJA STRIPER DOUJIN ARTIST MILLIONAIRE! You haven't any hope of defeating me... YOUR HEAD WILL DECORATE THE RIVER OF BLOOD WITHIN THE EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HADES!!!"

"I have no idea..."

"INSOLENCE!!!"

The book suddenly launches giant pieces of enchanted paper that tie up Patchouli like tentacles!

"Gh...! I did not expect this...!" said Patchouli as she wiggled in the grip of the trap paper.

"Ha! You activated my trap card!" shouted the book voice. "Now face untold terror as you struggle futilely in my grip!"

Patchouli struggled futilely in the ninja stripper's grip!

"A clever trick, book ninja! But I have something up my loose fitting sleeve..." claimed Patchouli.

"And just whaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!"

Thats when a giant ZUN action figure teleported into the room via dark portal!

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Thats your line you idiot!"

Oh, uh right... *Erhm* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INTRODUCING SUPER DRUNKEN KAWAII DISCO DANCING ZUN ACTION FIGURE, WITH DRUNKEN GAR ACTION HIPS!

"NOES, THE DRUNKEN GAR ACTION HIPS ARE TOO MUCH!!!" shouted the book voice.

"7331 haxxors." stated Patchy.

The paper vanished, freeing Patchouli! The book started spinning as dark energy rapidly left it's screaming form. Soon it fell to the ground, unmoving...

"Phew..." said the purple one, wiping her forehead. "Okay guys, take five."

With that the giant ACTION ZUN action figure disappeared. And right when that happened... ...as if on cue... ...a certain black and white witch burst into the room through the wall.

"Hiya, Pache! Mind if I borrow these? Thanks!" said the witch before letting Patchouli answer.

For a few moments, Patchouli was irritated at the witch, who had came to make off with more of her books... But then she had an idea... She smiled evilly.

"Ah, how about borrowing this one? Its a very special book filled with the greatest secrets of magic!" said Patchouli happily as she shoved the book into Marisa's deliciously near-flat chest.

"Eh...? Uhh..."

Marisa was a little surprised, but always being one for free gear, she quickly smiled deviously and took it.

"Didn't know you were so nice Pache! Thanks a mundo!"

With that, Marisa left. Patchouli turned around, walking away from the hole as she smiled evilly...

[An Odd Sea Slug]

"GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRAAA! ARRRRRRgRgRgaaaHHHH!" growled the beast...

"Eep...! M-m-m-m-mistress?! W-w-w-whats going on?!" mutters the scared stiff Meiling, balancing on one foot with her hands up. "W-w-what in the world are you two doing?!"

The mistress sat on a porcelain throne in a room of all red, surrounded by barren land, fire and brimstone. Her pet was nearby to her right, wearing a massive red collar, held to her mistress with a large chain. She continued growling fiercely, frothing at the mouth for Meiling's flesh.

"Oh dear, now what is this? You Meiling, are daring to ask what is happening here and now...? Fool, I knew you'd be stupid enough to wonder what was happening to you when it was plain obvious that you are at the time of your punishment!" exclaimed the mistress with a wretched smile.

"But w-w-wait...! Where are we?! How did we get here?! W-w-what did I do wrong?!" asked the trembling Meiling.

"You haven't exactly been the most competent of door guards... However, instead of leaving you to rot on the filthy streets of the commoners, I have decided to show you mercy... I will now have my little pet here discipline you into being a good little gate princess..."

"M-m-m-mistress Sakuya...!" stuttered Meiling.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now that I'm in control, things will be different from this point forward! Remilia! Go get her!"

Mistress Sakuya let go of the chain, unleashing the snarling Remilia, who charged in on all fours, wings flailing wildly! Meiling turned around and ran away, arms held out-wards!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Sakuya put one leg atop the other as she sat on her thrown and laughed at the spectacle of Meiling running away hilariously from her rabid attack vampire. Several minutes of chasing ensued before a giant pillar of stone suddenly spring up in front of the door guard! The Chinese girl slammed right into it face first with a very audible KAPOW! The ever growling and barking Remilia stopped in surprise as Sakuya's evil smile faded.

"OOooOOH hi, I'd be happy to take your chicken Mr. Business Suit..." uttered a dazed Meiling before falling back first to the ground, anime swirls in her eyes. "Eeyoyoyoyuoaaaaa..."

Just then, the stone pillar's front opened up, as if it were a door! Out walked Momizi Inubashiri, pointing her sword at Sakuya.

"You have made dogs of us for too long Count Sakuya! Today, you shale beg before the flea bitten hands of justice!" exclaimed the white wolf tengu.

"HA! We shall see, dog! All of Gensokyo belongs to me!" responded count Sakuya.

By now, Meiling had recovered her sense and was sitting up.

"Wh-what? What is happening no-"

Before she could finish her sentence, hundreds upon hundreds of Momizis began pouring out of the rock pillar door, charging at Sakuya and Remilia!

"HUUUUUUUH?!" cried Meiling.

"Oh really...? ANT! FANG!"

Two ninjas suddenly appeared by their lady's side!

"You're no match for my beloved Ant and Fang, along with my endless army of supercharged beer ninjas! Prepare for your end, rebel scum!"

Suddenly, hundreds of ninjas began bursting out of the ground, attacking the surprised Momizis! The epic battle was on! And it was EPIC! Totally EPIC! Even more epic than the battle of Helms Deep in the Lord of the Rings! Even more epic than 300! EVEN MORE EPIC THAN EPIC!

"SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" shouted a random armored middle-eastern man as he charged into the fray.

"EEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" cried Meiling who backed away from the bloody chaos.

She was just about to get up and run when someone dropped down in front of her, wielding a very large axe...

"Wha...? Cirno?! What are you doing here?!" asks Meiling.

Cirno smiles sinisterly as she holds up the axe...

"You. Should. DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

****

The axe was brought down, but... ...death did not come... Instead, Meiling woke up screaming in a futon, clad in her green pajamas! She stopped screaming, mouth wide open, clutching her blankets tightly as she looked around. After a few moments, she sighed in relief with a happy smile.

"Wow... It was just a dream... Thank goodness for that! Well, goodni-"

*BOOOOOOOM!*

"EYAAAAAAAAH!"

Meiling was startled by the sound of a huge explosion outside!

"Wh-what was that?!"

She leaped out of her futon and ran outside, just in time to see an army of Aya Shameimaru's and Momizi Inubashiri's gathering outside the gates of the Scarlet Devil Mansion!

"No way...!" uttered Meiling as she stared in disbelief.

In the center of the massive army was a large carriage, on top of which Siki Yamaxanadu talking through a mega phone!

"Queen Flandre, your reckoning is at hand! This day, the dogs of war shall bark and march against you as they growl and spray for justice! We stand against you for the freedom of Neo-Columbia!"

"Neo-Columbia?! What?!" said Meiling, understandably confused.

A hologram of an older, voluptuous, and exquisitely dressed Flandre Scarlet appeared above the Mansion.

"I'd like to see you try, Yamada! Let the neutering began!" exclaimed the Flandre hologram.

"FeAR tHe ReCKonINg vAmpIRE!!! In the name of Mr. Business Suit, YoUR rAin SHaLL ConclUDE HERe!!!"

Meiling held her hands in the air as she shouted to the sky.

"WHATS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRE?!?!?!"

****

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" screamed Reisen as she jumped out of futon.

"Nya! Whoa, whats going on Reisen-chan?!" asks Tewi, who was startled awake by the screaming.

Reisen put a hand below her neck as she took a deep breath and calmed down.

"Oh Tewi, it was so weird... I dreamt I was that clumsy, over-energetic gate guard. She was being attacked by entire armies of clone-ninjas and clone Momizis!"

"Wow, thats crazier than that flower lady from the other day!"

"It is, isn't it?"

With that, Reisen stretched for a bit.

"No more glazed carrots before bed, okay Tewi?" said Reisen with a smile.

"Thats a good idea!" said Tewi, masking her lie well.

"G'night!"

But just as Reisen was about to lay back down...

*BOOM!*

The door to Reisen and Tewi's room suddenly came crashing down, a sweetly smiling Eirin Yagokoro now visible with her hands behind her back.

"Hello Udonge. I see you've taken to waking the princess with strange noises..."

"Eh?! Wait mistress, I didn't mean to...! I had a nightmare! Tewi can vouch fo- Tewi?!"

Tewi had suddenly disappeared!

"Whaa...?!"

"It seems you must learn a lesson about being quiet Udonge..."

Thats when Eirin pulls out some rope, a whip, a candle, and a ballgag...

"Punishment time!"

"KYAAAAA?! W-wait, y-y-you don't have to do that...!"

Eirin came closer and closer...

"M-m-m-mistress...! NOOOOOO!"

***

It was a fine day at Eientei. Kaguya Houraisan and Eirin Yagokoro were sitting around quietly at a kotatsu, waiting for something interesting to happen (and having little hope it would) when suddenly, a bell in another room rung... Eirin suddenly put on a happy and excited smile as she got up and went into the room the bell was in. Kaguya raised an eyebrow watching with curiosity as her loyal servant left...

...and returned minutes later holding a vial containing a mysterious (and glowing) red liquid...

"Our days of endless boredom may have finally ended princess! This fully tested serum will cause something wonderful to happen!" explained the nurse.

"Something wonderful? Thats what you said last time when hit that lazy shinigami with an enchanted flyswatter, and caused all the flowers to grow at abnormally high rates, much like in the ninth game." said Kaguya, looking at Eirin with a bored expression and quickly losing interest.

"Ahh, but I promise this will be much different. Princess, I would like you to drink this."

"Yeah whate- DRINK THIS?!" shouted Kaguya, perking up in alarm. "Wait, you said you tested it already!"

"I did just that with the rabbits. However, it will work best on you." said Eirin with a smile.

Kaguya tried to get up and run but Eirin was suddenly behind her, grabbing her and attempting to force the drink down her throat! Kaguya used her arms to keep Eirin's back!

"Its okay princess! You'll just grow a buffalo tail, or perhaps turn into a giant, anthropomorphic muffin! Lets have fun together!"

"Eirin...!" said Kaguya in a tone that oddly more of a warning rather than a plead of fear.

A taser suddenly slid out of Kaguya's right sleeve... Moments later, Eirin felt all the muscles in her body tense...

"Oh my..." said Eirin simply as she felt herself falling over...

****

Sometime later, Eirin found herself locked in a dark closet, thoroughly tied with ropes, complete with crotch rope, and over the mouth cloth gag.

Hmm... In retrospect, I could've just asked the princess nicely... Oh well, I guess this is just a good too~

The nurse struggled in her binds for a bit, feeling the soft, yet restricting ropes against her skin.

Hmmhmhm, nice and tight... Oh dear Kaguya you've made me so proud...! Indeed, I taught you well~

****

"Oh what the hell Odda, another bondage short? Jeez!" huffed Reimu as she turned off the Hakurei shrine's TV.

"What the hell man?" added Marisa.

After that, the two randomly sat out together on the porch. Cirno flew in and walked toward them.

"Hey look, an intruder." said Marisa, pointing at the ice fairy.

"Eye'm not the intruders, YOU are the intruders!" shot back Cirno.

"And just how is that?" asks Reimu.

"Because eye'm the smartest!" responds Cirno.

"lolwut." says Reimu.

"wat." adds Marisa.

With that, Cirno pulls out a shotgun and blows Reimu and Marisa away!

"Hah! Now eye'm the strongest!"

And then Cirno was the demons.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

A twig snapped under the blue haired celestial's boots as she backed away from the green haired shrine maiden in deep fear... She didn't mean to do what she did... Did she...? Or maybe...

"Tell the truth!" demaned the green haired one named Sanae as she continued marching forcefull toward the blue hair.

"I-I-I said I don't know anything!" said the blue haired one named Tenshi pleadingly.

"You know full well what you did... Tell the truth." demanded Sanae once more.

Tenshi was silent.

"Tell the truth!"

Her patience exhausted, Sanae got into Tenshi's face.

"Fool, stop these lies and come with me to see the yama this instant!"

The yama?! No... A celestial such as herself could not even THINK of setting foot anywhere near the yama... It would disgraceful for a celestial to do such a thing! Although immortal, Tenshi feared for her future should anything from this debacle get to the open... Feared it so much she did, that her mind became detached from her spirit... She panicked...

"N-n-no!" squealed Tenshi, a look of ultimate fear twisting her face.

Before she even knew what she was doing, she her materialized a single one of her trademark sealed rocks, and sent it smacking into the soft cranium of the off-gaurd Sanae. She looked down, panting as she saw the moaning, barely moving Sanae lay on the ground as blood, profusely pouring from her head began turning the green forest life into a crimson death. Tenshi shook violently, covered in sweat as her rock disappeared...

"What... What... ...have I..."

She did not mean this... She didn't want any of this...! She had to get away... She wanted to get away! Perhaps if she could just return to Heaven... No, it didn't matter where she went anymore, she just had to escape! Her mind racing and overwhelmed with panic and confusion, she ran deeper into the darkening forest, away from the dying Sanae...

She had no way of knowing of just how worse things would soon be for her... For those of you who pray, pray dearly for this disgraced Celestial...

====

"Ah, guess I better get going... Later Al!" said Marisa with her usual big smile as she waved back and prepared to take off on her broom.

"Uhh... Take care Marisa." said Alice waving back with a slightly melancholy face.

Marisa looked a tad puzzled.

"Eh? Whats with the long face?"

Alice perked up and forced a smile, putting a hand to the back of her head in an attempt to mask her worries.

"I-its nothing really! I was just thinking of something else is all." explained Alice.

"Oh,  whatever you say then. Ciao!" replied Marisa.

Marisa knew full well there was something more to that... Afterall, Marisa was hiding something too...

***

Once she was sure she was out of sight, Marisa slumped down on her broom whilst flying over the forest.

"Gaaaaaahhh! Whats wrong with me these days?! I couldn't tell her AGAIN today!" rambled Marisa to herself with a sigh. "Okay, that settles it! Tomorrow, I'll make my confession to her, no hesitation! I'll do it!"

***

Alice sighed depressively after closing the door to her house.

"Oh, why am I such a coward? Why can't I just come out and tell Marisa how I feel...?" she asked herself with a sigh.

Her ever loyal hourai doll then came up to her, hugging onto her while looking up with sympathetic eyes. Such an oddly life like doll...

"Hm..."

Alice smiled back at the doll.

"You'll encourage me, won't you Hourai doll? Okay... I'll do it for sure tomorrow."

***

The next day... In the flower fields of Mugenkan...

The little poison backed away, fear in her teary blue eyes. She looked up pleadingly at her attacker as she crawled away as fast as she could through the tall sunflowers.

"P-please...! D-don't hurt me anymore...!" pleaded the frightened girl.

Her assailant -a green haired, red eyed woman in non-oriental clothing named Yuka- looked down at her smirking a twisted smirk on her dark face.

"Ohohohoh... Are you begging for mercy from me? Did you forget what you did just now? I have not... You careless girl, your poison destroyed a good chunk of my flower field! Do you think I can just let anyone who does such a thing go so easily? You fool..."

"It was an accident! Really!"

"Even in your state, you're in full control over your power! Something like this couldn't possibly be an accident! Your lies tell me you're in a hurry to die...!" laughed Yuka.

The small girl's eyes widened further...

"SOMEBODY HE-...!"

Just as the little girl cried out for help, Yuka bent over and forcefully clamped her right hand around the girls neck, picking her off the ground and holding her in the air!

"Gah...! Ack...! S-stop...!"

"No one can help you now..." said Yuka with a sadistic smile. "Death is much to good for someone like you... You need to be punished..."

"Stop it! Leave medicine alone!" yelled the voice of Alice as she landed nearby. "Put her down Yuka!"

Yuka causally looked over...

"Ah, Alice Margatroid... You've come to save this doll?" she asked.

"She's just a little youkai, don't hurt her!"

"Hmm... Will you duel for her life? I'll let her go if you can best me... But if you lose, you get punished with her!"

Alice bit her lower lip, gulping her throat, hesitating...

"Fine! Lets do this!" shouted Alice.

Medicine was dropped to the ground where she was held by a bonnet wearing blonde woman with a scythe who had been nearby... She looked on with fear...

Auntie Alice came to save me...? Oh Auntie Alice, please win!

***

Marisa soon entered from the rather large door of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's guest room... Her best friend, the shrine maiden named Reimu along with the mansion's beautiful headmaid Sakuya Izayoi where both present in the room...

...helping to attend a glassy eyed and unresponsive Alice as she layed on one of the many beds in her pajamas. Reimu and Sakuya both gave bittersweet smiles to Marisa as they waved hi, wordlessly allowing her to approach her fallen Youkai friend.

"How is she?" asks Marisa.

Sakuya searched for the right words...

"She's... ...doing better... ...considering the circumstances... I'm sorry, I realize I'm not much help..." said Sakuya sincerily.

"Its okay... What can you say in a situation like this?" says Marisa. "She's eating alright now, yes?"

"Yes. The nurse and I made absolute sure of that." replied Reimu.

"Heehee." chuckled Marisa as she went up to Alice with a smile. "Hey there Alice! How ya doin'?"

The blankly staring Alice continued gazing at nothing for a few moments before turning her blank eyes to Marisa.

"M-Marisa... You're... ...alive..." she moaned out in a matter that was barely understandable. "You're... ...alive... ...You're..."

"Em, still like this huh? Looks like you forgot again..." sighs Marisa but still keeping her smile. "Don't worry, we're gonna make you better... Somehow..."

[Begin Flashback...]

...the young witch had finally calmed, but one could tell she was still quite distressed over what had become of her friend. This was the day she wanted to confess to her... And she had to face the possibility that she would never have the chance...

"Dammit... At the very least, shouldn't there be something we can do to tell whether or not Alice is recovering...?" asks Marisa to Patchouli while facing away from her.

"Only time can tell that Marisa. Adding to that, this is hardly something we can rush. This recovery process will be a long one. You must remember that she torturted through her mind, rather than physically. I can only begin to imagine what sort of terrible things she was forced to see... Surely they were grotesque images of terrible things happening to her friends. Things that would break even the most resiliant and carefree mind..."

Marisa punched one of her palms.

"Damn that Yuka, why did she have to go and do something like this anyway?! Her and...!"

Marisa hesitated.

"Eh? Who else?" asked Patchouli.

...and me. Why was I such a coward?! I shouldn't have waited...! I should've told her while I had the chance, and now... Now...

[End flashback]

"Marisa?"

The witch was snapped back into reality by Reimu's soft voice.

"Oh, uh..."

The doors opened again, Eirin Yagokoro, the genious nurse of Eientei walking in.

"Ah, Yagokoro-senpai. Hello." said Marisa as she watched the nurse head toward Alice.

"Greetings Marisa." replied Yagokoro. "Ah, and how are you Alice?"

"Wh... ...who...?" mumbled Alice.

"Its me, Eirin. C'mon, try to remember..."

"You're... ...Eirin...?"

"Thats right... Now do you recogonize me?"

Alice turned her eyes to Eirin.

"You're... ...Eirin..." muttered Alice before turning her eyes back to Marisa. "...and... ...you're... ... ...Mari... ...Marisa..."

"Thats right. Now then, shall we get you dressed so we can began our day?" asks Eirin with a smile.

Alice sits up, in her bed before climbing out of it.

"Hmm. I shall take my leave then." said Sakuya as she walked out.

Reimu nodded.

"Lets go Marisa." said the miko.

"...right."

Marisa followed Reimu out, stopping for a bit to take one last look at Alice. She shut the door behind them once they were out.

"Dammit..." she muttered to herself. "Dammit..."

Reimu looked sympathetically at her friend.

"It wasn't your fault Marisa." said the Miko.

"Maybe not but... That doesn't change the fact that I can't do a thing to help. I could've stopped this if I were stronger then..."

"Marisa... Its difficult for humans to become stronger compared to youkai, you know that." explains Reimu.

"No!" rebuked Marisa rather sharply. "No... I could've beaten Yuka then and saved her...! If only my spark were stronger... If only..."

Marisa bowed her head down and held her arms. Reimu looked sad as well. If only she and Marisa had gotten to Yuka's mansion sooner, then perhaps Alice and Medicine could've been spared Yuka's mental torture, even if Marisa's Master Spark copy was inferior to Yuka's original.

"Reimu..." spoke Marisa after a few moment as she dropped her arms to her sides.

"Y... Yes...?"

"I'm going to get stronger. I'm going to get stronger so my Master Spark can beat Yuka's! I'm going to avenge Alice and rescue Medicine if she's still alive! I'll do it!"

"Marisa..."

[An Odd Sea Slug]

"Craaaaaaaap, we're coming in way too fast you idiots!" shouted captain Marisa.

"Oh so now its OUR fault even though YOU'RE the one who broke the coffee drive system!" shouted Ensign Reimu back.

"Yes! Somehow this is all your fault! We're all gonna die because of you!"

"Holy crap, we're gonna crash!" shouted chief engineer Nitori. "I've given her all she's got captain...!"

"And we're all gonna die because of captain Marisa!" added Lt. Remilia.

"Warning. Overly large and horribly designed emergency inflatable impact absorption device engaging." said the ships computer which oddly had the voice of Eirin Yagokoro.

"What the hell does that mean?!" asks Marisa.

"How the hell should I know?!" answered Reimu.

"You guys don't know anything about this ship do you?!" asks Remilia.

"What do you expect?! We only had ten hours of training on Halo 3!" answers Nitori.

"I never should've signed up for this!" shouts Reimu.

"Ah, screw you guys!" shouts Marisa.

***

As the out of control spaceship careened down into the atmosphere in an irreversible collision course with Gensokyo, the tactical military forces of Hakugyokoru attempt to save the day!

"Commander Yuyuko! The Titan missiles have failed!"

"Fire the interceptor muffins, giant laser cannon and place an order for a large pizza, stat!" orders commander Yuyuko.

"No can do ma'am! Gutsman's ass is blocking the signal!"

*DU-DUUN*

"Crap!"

Yuyuko then activated a comm channel.

"Youmu! Deploy the tactical moose!"

"Yes ma'am!" responded Youmu over the comm-link.

Minutes later, a helicopter dropped a moose in the projected landing zone of the falling ship! The helicopter flies away, leaving the moose as the only thing between salvation and total disaster!

"Well ain't this a b***h..." says the moose.

And with that, the ship crashes!

"Ma'am! The tactical moose failed! Reactor explosion imminent!"

"No! Damn you Gutsman's ass! Damn you!" shouted Yuyuko, raising a fist into the air.

*DU-DUUN*

***

Even while trapped inside a cramped underground safehouse due to the terrible nuclear winter that has buried Gensokyo, the space girls attempt to make the best of their situation! Marisa pours herself some sake.

"Well even though we're doomed to spend the rest of our worthless lives in this underground shelter due to the centuries long nuclear winter above us I don't think this is so bad!" she said with a cheerful smile.

"Oddly, I'm inclined to agree." replied Yuyuko, putting a finger to her mouth.

"Whatever, if it weren't for you two wouldn't be in this situation." said a less than pleased Nitori before taking another bite of curry.

"No kidding...!" said Reimu while trying to hold off a lust filled Remilia who was attempting to wrestle her to the ground. "How long is that winter supposed to last again...?!"

"Aww Reimu, why worry about that? We can finally be together forever here~" cooed Remi.

"DO NOT WANT!" shouted Reimu.

"Sorry to interupt, but I must inform you that there is someone at the front door." said the salvaged computer.

"I'll get it." said Youmu.

The half-ghost opened the door to reveal...

"It... It cannot be...!"

Everyone gasped.

"Its... ...GUTSMAN'S ASS!!!"

*DU-DUUN*

[An Odd Sea Slug]

Reimu, Marisa, Alice, Eirin and Sanae all ran inside the secured central room of Eientei, locking the door. They all had panicked expressions on their faces... Their enemies where an advanced, cybernetic race that could adapt to and become totally immune to their danmaku!

"Oh man, what do we do?! We can't destroy them at all!" cried Alice.

"They've broken through the last external defences! They'll be inside here soon!" said Sanae as she looked into a crystal ball located on the nearby desk.

"Such a powerful and single minded enemy... What could they possibly want from us...?" asked Eirin to no one in particular, worried but calm.

"You're telling me! We can't make a dent in 'em, nor can we stop them from turning our friends into more freaks like them!" exclaimed Marisa.

"Hold on... I think we're about to find out what they are..." said Reimu, turning toward the flickering flat screen TV on the wall.

"Oh no... On screen!" commanded Eirin.

On the screen came the face of the woman who had formerly been known as Mokou of the Fujiwara. Her skin had turned green, and her body was covered head to toe with strange, metallic cybernetic implants!

"I am Mokutus of Borg. Lower your hitboxes, timeout your spellcards and surrender. Soon your culture, and individual danmaku patterns and spellcards will be assimalated into our own. Death bombing... ...is futile."

The screen then went blank. The girls simply looked at each other with frightened expressions, trading no further words...

====

T'was a beautiful day in Eintei. Kaguya was sitting on the porch petting her pet rabbits as Eirin and Reisen walked by. Tewi was looking for people to play pranks on. Everyone was all smiles this day. Twas the type of day where nothing could go wrong. Yes indeed, nothing could go wrong at all today.

Sadly, this is excludes the Eintei residents.

They all perked up in wonder and alarm as a rumbling sound came toward them, growing more intense as it did so. Birds and rabbits scattered as Kaguya stood up... In the distance, a mess of trees, buildings, animals and screaming youkai and humans could be seen approaching the mansion like a ball! In fact, it was a ball! A ball of... ...stuff! And along with it came a song...

"NA-NAAAAAAAAA, NA NA NA NA NAAA NAAA NAAA NA NA NANA NAAAAAAAH!"

"ITS KATAMARISA DAMOKOU!!!" yelled out Kaguya, pointing her finger forward. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!"

But there was nowhere to run! Eientei and its residents were soon all rolled up! And the one rolling the ball was none other than Fujiwara no Mokou herself!

"Mwahahahaha! You cannot escape my ultimate tool of revenge Kaguya!" she exclaimed. "Now lets roll more stuff!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOES!!!" cried out Kaguya.

Soon Gensokyo in its entirty was rolled up. Satisfied, Cosmic Queen Marisa soon took the Katamokou and was very pleased.

"Ah yes! With this, we can create the yummiest Yukkuri in the universe!" she exclaimed.

The Katamokou was then exploded, creating a planet populated entirely by delicious yukkuri! Yukkuris for everyone!

The end.

===

Inspired by a random moment on IRC involving KimikoMuffin.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

Satori Komeji entered her secret basement head quarters and activated the communicator. Donning the headphones, she began speaking...

"Satori to Koishi, come in. This motherbird to Blue Canary, over?"

"No motherbird, I do not read you. Please switch frequencies, over."

"I cannot hear you Blue Canary, there is too much radio static. I'm going to try different frequencies, do you read me?"

"Negative Motherbird. Switching to sonar so I can read you, do you read me?"

"Yes, I read you but I cannot read you. You cannot read me either, over?"

"Rodger that. Do you copy?"

"You don't read me."

"I don't read you."

"I don't read you."

"You do not copy."

"I cannot read you."

"I see you've been playing Super Mario Sunshine, over."

"Negative, we had a small danmaku leak, but I'm fine, we're fine, we're all fine, thank you. Do you copy?"

"I do not copy over, for I cannot hear you. I do not understand a word you're saying to me, over?"

"I'm glad you cannot hear me, because I hate you and you stress me and make me emotionally unstable, over?"

"Rodger that. And for the record, Yukari Yakumo is right behind you with a terrible smile, a cloth and a bottle of chloroform, over?"

"I co- *HMMMMPH* *fjodwijre*"

"I do not copy, over? Blue Canary to Motherbird over? I do not read you. Come in Motherbird."

****

"SAKUYA! I NEED KETCHUP!!!" yelled Remilia.

"OOOOOOOHHHHHH SH****************T!!!" yelled Sakuya.

Thats when Daiyousei appeared out of nowhere.

"Sup dawg, I heard ya like red things, so I put a cow ripper machine in your basement so you can watch that Bonesaw guy kick MegaMan's butt, hurr hurr."

"Cow ripper machine?" asked Remilia.

Meanwhile in the basement...

"OOOOOOH! OOOH! Uunnnnnnh~~! Huh! Huh... Huh... Ahhhhhh~" moaned Keine after being placed in the machine. "Ohhhh gooood, don't stop~ Don't stop~ Unhhh~~!"

A few minutes later...

"Yes ma'am its working. She's perfectly red." informed Meiling.

"Awesome" said Remilia.

"The only problem is that we wrecked Flandre's room to get it in there."

"Well I'm sure she won't mind being forced out of her ro-"

Thats when Flandre sprung up from behind Remilia.

"THE FIRST VICTIM OF THE VAMPIRE APOCALYPSE SAYS WHAT?!" said the younger vampire with a most definitely insane look.

"What?" asked a confused Remi.

"Oh f-" said Meiling with a facepalm.

And then the Scarlet Devil Mansion exploded.

Sakuya (who was coming home with the ketchup) stood in utter shock as Flandre flew up to her from the smoke.

"THEY HAS BEEN TERMILIMENATED VIA EPIC PRISMATIC ANNIHILATION, ZE!"

"WHAT THE F-"

And then Flandre ^$*@ed Sakuya.

And then Hakugyoukoru exploded.

"WHAT! THE! FFFFFFFFFFF!!!" shouted the ghost of Yuyuko's ghost of the ghost named Yuyuko.

====

"Finally, my work for today is done! I wonder whats on televisi-"

But Reisen Udongien Inaba was interrupted by a manly voice behind her...

"The only thing worth watching is the news." he said in a manly way.

Reisen was shocked, and instantly frightened, turning around to see a ridiculously large, muscular man in an expensive looking sleeveless blue leather jacket with matching pants and a red shirt underneath, long brown boots and two enormous shoulder pads, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed with a stone faced expression.

"Wh-wh-wh..." stammered Reisen. "ITS KENSHIROOOOOOOOO!!!"

Kenshiro continued staring at the comparatively tiny moon rabbit.

"Hokuto Shin Ken is invincible." he said.

"What?" she asked.

"Hokuto Shin Ken is invincible. Not even danmaku can stop it."

"Not even danmaku?!"

"Correct. Now turn on the TV."

"Y-y-yes sir!" stammered Reisen, obediently doing just that.

"Sit down." ordered Kenshiro.

"Yes!"

Reisen began sitting down...

"Don't move, you're already sitting down." said Kenshiro.

Reisen froze in place.

"S-sir...?" asked Reisen nervously. "H-h-h-how can I be sitting when I'm sta-"

"You're already sitting down." repeated Kenshiro.

"Okay." said Reisen, trembling.

"This program is boring. Stand up and get the remote."

"O-o-okay..." stammered Reisen.

Reisen slowly and nervously began walking to the remote.

"I said stand up." ordered Kenshiro.

"B-but I'm already standing!" yelped Reisen pleadingly.

"No, you're sitting. Now stand up." ordered Kenshiro.

Reisen begins lowering herself to sit...

"Stand faster." says Kenshiro.

Reisen drops to her butt, her nervousness ever increasing.

"Now walk to the remote and grab it."

Gulping with tears beginning to well up in her eyes, Reisen butt-drags herself over to the table and reaches up, grabbing the remote. She then returns to her prior position, butt-dragging herself back. Her butt ached somewhat from this...

"Good. Now sit down in front of the TV and change to the anime channel." orders Kenshiro.

"Y-y-yes sir." sniffles Reisen as she changes the channel while standing up.

'YOU WA SHOCK!' blares out of the speakers, as the first OP of a certain classic manly martial arts anime from the 80's played, signaling the start of that show.

"You deserve an award." said Kenshiro, walking somewhere.

He returned with a bag of potato chips.

"You look hungry." he said before throwing the bag down in front of her. "Have some potato chips."

Reisen gulped again, taking it as an order. She tore open the bag... ...revealing packaging nuts rather than chips with a note inside. She took out and read it...

You have already eaten the potato chips.

Reisen could no longer stop herself from crying. She was about to lose all hope. She couldn't run away from the practitioner of Hokuto Shin Ken... Running would only mean being killed. And being killed meant that she would die. She did not want to die. So the only way to not die was to not be killed and therefore, obey Kenshiro. Oddly, he was silent for a few minutes until the door slid open...

"Ahh, hello there Reisen! What are-"

It was the familiar voice of Eirin... A voice that promptly stopped itself upon realizing that Kenshiro is in the room.

"Whats wrong Eirin?" asked Kaguya who had been accompanying Eirin.

Suddenly...

"A-TAH!"

Kenshiro hit the foreheads of the two women with his index fingers!

"Wha... Who are you?! What are you doing?!" asked Kaguya in shock.

"You are already dead." replied Kenshiro.

Reisen looked on in shock as her two mistresses contorted grotesquely before both exploding into a billion bloody chunks. The moon rabbit screamed out in terror, obviously traumatized by what had just happened to her mistresses (and forgetting that Kaguya would be able to resurrect herself in a few hours).

As if on cue, Mokou then came by.

"Yo Kaguya! Where the hell is my money?! Ya owe me ya know!"

Thats when Mokou walked into the room, shocked at the gore, along with the large, handsome man in an expensive looking leather coat.

"N-n-NO! Mokou, RUN!" shouted out Reisen.

It was too late... Kenshiro screamed out as his muscles bulked up exponentially, destroying his own upper body in the process! He then began assaulting the surprised Mokou!

"AAAAATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!! AAAAAATATATATATATATATATATATA! ATAH! ATOH! WAAAAAATAH!"

HOKUTO! HAKURETSU KEN!!

"I have struck your hidden pressure points. In three seconds, you will die."

Mokou then contorted in shock before her body exploded violently!

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled out Reisen.

"And now to forge them into the ultimate amalgamation." announced Kenshiro.

He began molding the remains of the three other women into a ball of flesh... ...which suddenly began glowing green... Just then with a flash, an all new woman was formed, having the features of the prior three women in addition to being clad in a dominatrix outfit!

"AAAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed out loud. "Finally, thanks to Kenshiro I'm free! The Sado-monarchy of Masochism shall rise again after 10,000 years! Now who shall be my first victim...?"

The shirtless Kenshiro pointed at the cowering Reisen.

"She will be your first victim." he said.

"Perfect!"

"N-no! Please...! I don't wanna get tied u-"

Kenshiro cut Reisen off.

"You are already in bondage."

And suddenly, Reisen was in suspension hog tie bondage, unable to move a muscle!

"Wh-what?! H-how...?!"

"And you are already gagged."

And suddenly, a blue ballgag was wrapped over Reisen's open mouth, reducing her words to mere mumbles! The chimera woman cackled as she pulled a slapping rod out of nowhere and approached Reisen...

"Now I must find... ...Yuria." said Kenshiro as he left.

Whipping sounds and rabbit screams could be heard around Eientei.

And then the Hakurei Shrine exploded. Reimu would never have any donations again. Then again, she was too dead to worry about them, as she had been killed. People die when they are killed. A dead person can't be alive.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Odda C. Academy Players now present to you, a tale of meeting and understanding. I give you: The day we met.

She emerged from the purple light, devoid of any clothes or knowledge of where she was. She briefly and groggily looked around, noticing she was in the depths of a vast, seemingly endless library. She then looked down to see a purple haired girl in night gown-like clothing... ...along with an idiot ice fairy with delusions of grandeur.

"Eye'm the stronge- WHY THE F**K AM I IN THIS STORY?!" she shouted.

"That is not important. What is important is that the ritual was successful. Speak, summoned one." said the purple haired one.

"Uuuuungh..." moaned the naked summoned succubus before looking directly at the purple one. "I ask of you... Are you my master?"

"In a way, yes." answered the purple one.

"I see... What is it you wish for me to do?" she asked.

"Be a dear and put that apple in your mouth."

The succubus blinked. Now that she thought about it, she was laying flat on her stomach with a fresh apple directly in front of her. And she was surrounded by vegetables. She then looked at what she was laying on...

"What the... A GIANT GAS GRI-...?!"

Before the succubus could finish her exclamation, the purple haired one snapped her fingers, snapping the grill shut before flying up to one of the giant control knobs and turning it to the 'Freshly summoned beast thing' setting. She then landed back on the ground near the ice fairy, taking out a book and reading of it.

"Lets see... Let cook for three hours, salting occasionally. Add spices after the first thirty minutes. Simple enough..."

"BURN THE WITCH!" shouted the ice fairy for no particular reason.

Just then, the grills top exploded!

"F**K THAT S**T!!!" shouted the pissed off succubus as she stood on the grill with a vengeful grimace.

"Oh blast... I have forgotten the sealing runes..." said the purple haired one calmly.

"You summoned me so you could EAT ME?! AWW, HAAAAIIIIIIL NAW! You're gonna pay for that...!"

Just then, the purple haired girl along with the succubus both pulled out Kill Bill Katanas and went at it! The slower Patchouli was forced against a wall, but managed to scoot out of the way of what would've been a decisive downward slash and kicking the succubus backwards before leaping on her and pinning her down back first, her arms restricted via the purple haired one's legs!

"Aha! I have you now!" exclaimed the purple haired one.

The succubus struggled for a bit before smiling...

"Really now...? The battle has will soon be in my favor, for I hold your one weakness! Look behind you!"

The purple haired one did just that. She gasped in shock... The succubus was holding a packaged frozen pie!

"NOOO, not one of 'Cirno's blueberry fruit pies'! You have to be crazy to hate them...! The sweetness... The flaky crust...! G-g-g-get it away from me!!"

The panicked purple hair leaped off the Succubus! She instantly stood up, and began assaulting the purple hair with Kung-Fu!

"WATAH! ETAH! KJAH! HEEEEEEEE...!"

She finished her combo with a flying kick to the chin!

"AAAAAAWWW!!!"

"MUKYUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

The purple haired one was sent right into one of the colossal book shelves, a mountain of books piling on her! She had only just climbed out of the mess when she gasped in shock yet again! The succubus had pulled out a strap-on with a purple glowing member bit!

"Ahahahaha! Do you know what this is?!"

"It cannot be...! The Mid Summer Night Strap-On of Ultimate Destiny said to give out immense pleasure while glowing purple like a summer night! Who is this person?!"

The succubus put on the strap on...

"I am THE MASTAH! Prepare for a reckoning!" shouted the succubus.

She leaped at the purple haired one! The two engaged in a terrible brawl within a giant white dust cloud! But just then...

"Nows my chance...!" said the ice fairy, taking to the air. "FREEDOOOOOOOM...!!!"

But the purple hair wasn't having it!

"GET DOWN HERE AND HELP ME YOU SLAVE!!"

She fired a wire from her arm that promptly wrapped around the ice fairy's ankle!

"NOOOOOOO, THE YOUKAI-ITY!" she shouted as she fell to the ground before being dragged in. "Everytime I try to get out, they pull me back in!"

And then, a certain blonde-haired vampire loli appeared...

"Oooooo, looks like fun! Can I join?"

The three combatants momentarily stop there struggle to look at the female vampire. causing her to see the succubus' naked form... She gasped while blushing wildly...

"M... My goodness... I believe I can no longer deny it from this... Peering on your naked form... ...has caused me TO REALIZE MY ORIENTATION!!!" she said, suddenly going psychotic. "NOW I'M GONNA EAT YOU!!!"

She then jumped into the dust ball, starting the fight anew!

"DON'T YOU DARE EAT HER! I'M EATING HER! I MEAN EATING HER, NOT WHAT YOU'RE DOING...!" shouted the purple hair.

"YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME...!" shouted the succubus.

"DAAAAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

And then suddenly...

"DOCTOR OCTAGONUPUS, BLOOOORGH!!!"

Shouted a giant, black, red-lipped winged... ...thing as it fired a white GIANT LAZOR at the giant gas grill! And then... And then... ...THE WHOLE LIBRARY EXPLODED!!!

*KA-THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!*


***

Three weeks later

The purple haired one and the succubus where now sitting next each other peeling potatoes, clad in maid outfits.

"I hope you're happy... It'll take years for us to pay for the damages out of our own pocket since Remi refuses to. My library..." said the purple hair one, sniffling at the mention of her library.

"Well its your fault for trying to eat m-"

And thats when Yukari Yakumo appears!

"Hi there!" she exclaims before leaping onto the succubus and nomming her ear! "This is how we say hello in the twisted mind of Odda C.!"

"KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

And that is how Patchouli and Koakuma met. The end.



















And then Yuka's mansion exploded.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

A blinding light. That was the first thing she saw as the veil of darkness that was around her for hours, her eyes caught completely by surprise, struggling to adjust. Clad in her normal, thin green and white patrol outfit, she must have been in that cold, metallic case for hours... Once her eyes finally adjusted, she finally saw her captors: Several young men and women in tuxedos and shades being led by a red haired woman in a Kimono with a particularly vicious aura about her. This was the face that the frightened girl dreaded seeing, the one she feared the most... And her fears had come true. She thought that she had escaped from her twisted older sister once and for all. Her and the Yakuza's Gensokyo equivalent.

She had good reason to run. Her family was shunned, and the Yakuza imitators wanted nothing more than to use her as a weapon. She was forced to kill a great many, getting nothing but beatings, rape and poor food in return. She was treated like an animal, slowly but surely growing to hate that life. She feared her very existence would be endanger if she continued living with and working for these people. She packed her bags and fled, eventually becoming the gate guard of Gensokyo's large, out of place mansion. She often ended up being the buttmonkey due to her lack of power, clumsiness, and sleeping disorder. But none the less, she was given much better treatment and was even able to make friends and acquaintances.

But that was all over now. She knew this all too well. No one from the mansion knew where to look. Furthermore, she had failed in her duties so much that she figured that she would be an acceptable loss. She hadn't any hope of rescue. That was why a steady stream of tears rolled down her face as she looked up at her older sister with a defeated expression. Leaving the organization had badly damaged her sister's position. And it would seem that that position was more important than her own younger sister. And now this despicable sister was free to get her revenge before snuffing out her life for good.

Her sister could do what she wanted to her. They had made sure of that. Or rather, the ropes binding her from head to toe did. Protesting wasn't possible either. Her mouth was tightly sealed by a white cloth that had been securely fastened to her mouth after a large wad of paper was forced in. All she could do now was wiggle and struggle futilely against the tight ropes. She could remember how it happened as well. They came for her in the night, just as she was preparing to retreat inside the mansion for bed. They had jumped at her from the shadows, bearing down on her in seconds. She sensed them, but there were too many... She was knocked out, tied up and stuffed into that giant case in less than half a minute.

All there was left to do now was to face her sister. Helpless.

"Hmph. It actually took quite a bit of effort to find you Hong. I'm honestly impressed actually. To be able to hide from us for this long, and even get in with the renowned Scarlet Devil Mansion... Quite unexpected of you, really." began Hong Meiling's older sister, smiling rather venomously. "You know, I was going to kill you immediately myself... But letting you live a bit longer for a fine ransom from those wealthy people sounds a lot more fun! And it gives me time to torture you as punishment for the humiliation you caused me..."

There was a seething poison in that last sentence... The fear in the younger Meiling only increased as she shuddered, fighting frantically against her bonds while shouting something angry... ...or rather, attempting to. Her protests were nothing more than intelligible muffles thanks to the gag. It was likely she wanted to tell her sister not to involve the SDM- something her sister predicted.

"Don't like the idea of involving them, even if it saves your life? Oh wait, you already know we're going to kill you anyway! Eh, you were always so sentimental Hong..." laughed the older Meiling. "Maybe we'll even find the time to kill all of them too."

The younger Meiling screamed under her gag, massive fear in her eyes. The older Meiling stopped smiling and raised an eyebrow at this.

"So you're loyal to them... Interesting... Though they make stand by the gate all the time, never seeming to let you do anything else... Tell me, did they really care about you?"

There was anger in the younger one's eyes. Meiling remembered the Lady Remilia's kindness. She remembered how that tiny vampiress allowed her to stay in her mansion before she even had the chance to beg. And she wasn't fed irregularly either, quite the contrary. If anything, she was treated far better there by that female vampire and her servants than by her own damnable older sister. The older Meiling's eyes narrowed as she watched her struggling sister, anger building inside her.

"I see... They really do value you, don't they?!" she said before getting up and stomping over to the younger Meiling, picking her up by the neck tightly. "No matter... That does not matter at all. What DOES matter is that you caused me a great setback once you ran away! I lost a great deal of power thanks to you! You couldn't just be an obedient little sister and do as your elder sister said could you?! I'm gonna make you pay for everything a thousand fold you b***h!!"

Meiling endured her enraged older sister's yelling... ...along with the subsequent smack to the cheek and throw down. She tried to ignore the pain, despite knowing more was coming... Her breathing became heavier as sweat dotted her face. Her sister walked over and put her right foot to her ribs and pressing down, the younger Meiling wincing and moaning in pain under the gag. The older sister had an expression of anger and twisted hate over her face as she did all this, her mind even now contemplating kicking her helpless younger sister repeatedly. And the best way to slowly torture her, killing her slowly... Her face managed to turn to a twisted smile as she thought of this...

But then something happened... Both Meilings could have sworn that they had just seen everything go black and white for a second... No, a fraction of a second... Suddenly, all the people standing with the older Meiling began crying out in terrible pain as blood flew out from their bodies... They had been stabbed with nearly a hundred throwing knives! The Meiling sisters stared at this sudden site in utter shock! A silver haired young woman casually walked in, clad in a maid outfit... In her shock, the younger Meiling needed a few seconds to figure out who it was... When she realized the identity of this maid, her heart had surely skipped a beat as her eyes lit up...

"W-who the hell are you?! What have you done?!" asked the older Meiling, turning to face the maid with a fearful look on her face.

The maid turned to the older Meiling, smiling sweetly as she drew several more throwing knives.

"Ah, so this is where Meiling has been. Seems she's gotten herself into a bit of trouble and for once it isn't even her fault." chuckled the maid. "I assume that you're the ringleader? You bear an uncanny resemblance to my door guard down there. By the way, I'm really unhappy about you kidnapping her like that... Would you mind quietly returning her to me?"

The older Meiling scowled violently. She was in fear of her life from this powerful maid who apparently also had the nerve to insult her with such confident talk... Sweat rolled down her face as she said nothing...

Suddenly, the paper and wood doors flew open, a number of the older Meiling's lackeys pouring into the room to attack the maid! The older one smiled.

"Ha! I don't know who you are or how you find our hide out, but now you'll pay for your insolence in blood! KILL HER!" ordered the older Meiling.

Two of the men drew their katanas and charged at the made from behind! She threw several of her knives into the air, keeping two more and blocking the slashes with them before letting go and catching the falling knives, immediately throwing them at the two men at near-point blank range just as they moved to strike again! She then tossed out several more volleys of knives at the incoming thugs, taking down down several at once with each throw! Suddenly, the doors behind the Meiling sisters slid open, spear wielding thugs attempting to cheap shot the maid from behind!

However, she halfway backflipped, managing to perform a handstand on one of the very spears meant to pierce her back! She stabbed the man in the face before twisting around and going to the ground with the same knife, landing in a kneeling position as she successfully slashed away at two or three more thugs! Now well inside their line, she was able to cut down the rest quickly! The older Meiling growled, unable to believe what she had witnessed.

"That is the power of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." stated Sakuya, her smiling slowly disappearing as if she was ready to get serious. "Your own power is pitiful in comparison. I bet that even that idiot ice fairy could take you down easily. I'm willing to give you one more chance however. You return Meiling to me unharmed or..."

The older Meiling didn't wait for the maid to finish, instead grabbing her younger sister of the floor and holding one of the maid's own knives at the younger Meiling's throat. She smiled sinisterly, though with a nervous twitch about it. Furthermore, she was shuddering endlessly.

"Don't you dare move... I swear I'll end her here...!" threatened the kimono clad sister.

The younger Meiling had fear in her eyes, a silent plead to save her also present.

"Tch... It seems you haven't learned..."

And suddenly, the younger Meiling was in the maid's hands, as was her stolen knife! The older Meiling's eyes widened in complete shock as she found herself empty handed in an instant!

"Because you're Meiling's sister, I'll let you live this time. However, this is the only time. I could've very easily killed you in that single instant. If you wish to continue preserving your life, then you will refrain from laying another finger on Meiling, or anyone else of the mansion. Don't even so much as look at the mansion if you pass by it. Now its best if you leave... Before I change my mind..." said the maid seriously with a terrible glare.

The older Meiling staggered backwards, sweating bullets! She soon turned around and left as fast as she could, screaming in total panic and fear. It wasn't long until the maid had untied her fellow servant who immediately stretched out a bit, relieved from finally being released. She then began speaking to the maid rather timidly. They both sat on the floor as they began speaking.

"S... Sakuya-san, you... You came to rescue me... Thank you so much!" said Meiling.

Sakuya merely smiled at her.

"But of course." answered the maid named Sakuya.

"B-but why? I-I'm just a simple door guard who can't ever seem to do her job right..."

"The mistress would be upset if she lost her favorite door guard. And I would be just as upset if I lost you as well."

Meiling blushed at this a little, doing a poor job of hiding it.

"W-w-well your life was in danger, a-a-and it would've been easier to just get a new guard and..."

Sakuya's smile widened a bit as she grabbed one of her knives... ...and bapped Meiling's head with the hilt.

"You're such an idiot. Can't you see I'm trying to say to you?"

"W-well..."

"Well, if I can't make you understand with words then I'll do something more... ...direct..." said the maid, scotching closer to Meiling. "After all, what I want to say to you and what you want to say to me are exactly the same..."

"Saku- Hmmm...?!"

The maid leaned over and gave Meiling a warm kiss on the lips. Meiling's face turned nearly beet red as she tasted Sakuya's warm tongue within her mouth, but soon she closed her eyes and returned the affection. The two embraced each other in one another's arms warmly.

Yes! I love you too Sakuya-san! I love you so very much. And I will do so for all of our days together.

====

"Ran-sama, when was the first time you had sex?" asked Chen.

Ran was still nervous over this subject, but Chen was a growing girl, and even had received sex ed from Keine. She could no longer be dodgy about this subject. Reluctantly, the fox shikigami answered...

"When I was 22, dear."

Chen smiled widely.

"Beat ya!" she exclaimed.

Ran's jaw dropped to the floor and all went silent... Until Yukari portaled in.

"Yeah Ran, your life sucks, but no one gives a f**k." she said.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

In search of [insert something here], Cirno crawls into Letty Whiterock's chicken coop.

"Bwaaa- bawk bawk bawk bawk." bawks a chicken.

Cirno looks over to the creatures, suddenly feeling offended.

"Hey, what did you say?! You better not have said what I thought you said...!"

"Bawk bawk bawk... BAWKAAAA!"

"Baka?! No, I'm not an idiot! I am the strongest!"

"Bawk bawk BAWKAAAA!!!"

"No, you're the baka! You birdbrain!"

"BAWKA!"

"BAKA!"

"BAWKA!"

And it wasn't long until the other chickens began clucking as well.

"BAWKAAA!"

"BA-BA-BAWKAAAAAARRR!!"

"Bawk bawk!"

"BAKOOOWWAH!"

"HHHHHNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAGH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! YOU'RE JUST CHICKENS, WHILE I'M A GREAT FAIRY WARRIOR! YOU'RE THE IDIOTS FOR CHALLENGING ME!"

"BAWKAAAAA! BAWKAAAAA! BAWKAAA!"

"THATS IT...!"

Having enough, Cirno kicked a chicken into the wall. THe other chickens fellowed their kicked comrade with their eyes, even watching as she slowly slid down the all, clucking weakly. Cirno smiled triumphantly.

"Ha ha! Now you know my real powe- huh, wuh...?"

Cirno stopped herself, noticing that all the chickens were suddenly staring at her. She also noticed that their eyes were glowing red. ANd that they had suddenly grown teeth. And were gnashing them.

"BAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAAWWWKAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Suddenly, all the chickens launched themselves at the stupid ice fairy, clucking ferociously as they attempted to tear her limb from limb!

"GYAAA! KILLER CHICKENS!!!"

She covered her head as she ran in circles around the coop, the flock tearing at her hair and clothes.

"TASKETEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

***

Meanwhile, Letty watched from her hidden camera, filing her nails.

"Cockadoodledoo, mothaf**ka! Da-ahahahahahahaha!" she laughed.

[Dan-Heron]

Tenshi Hinanai stared in disbelief as he adversary stood victorious above her. The sword of Hisou slowly changing back to its original form, away from Tenshi's beaten body. The few clouds that had gathered were quickly dispersing.

"H-how?" the Celestial whispered. She had brought down that little shrine and had just gotten down from the Heavens, and almost as soon as she had touched Youkai mountain, this... this dog had come and ruined it everything!

"Sorry, miss, but you can't enter Tengu territory without proper appointment. Or at least my protection," Momiji Inubashiri replied in a calm tone, sheathing her katana and placing her shield properly in place.

"But... you're just a stage four sub-boss! You don't even have a spellcard portrait!" the blue haired girl whined, flailing her arms from her place on the ground.

Hadn't she been so busy in her tantrum, Tenshi may had noticed the sudden change in the polite white wolf's mood. Momiji may have let it slide being a sub-boss, but the lack of spell-card portrait had been just too much! She had had an important canon role, why couldn't she get a simple portrait?!

"-that Miko should have been the one to greet me! She's the disaster specialist! How could a flea ridden dog-."

"That's enough, girl," the wolf said, crouching in front of the startled Celestial. "Disaster solving Miko, you say; it must be Reimu," she said with a toothy grin. "Why didn't you say so before, I could have made sure you were treated like the proper person responsible for whatever disaster you caused."

Before Tenshi could reply, she found her mouth stuffed with a long strip of fabric that used to be part of her dress. Her dress quickly was reduced to makeshift ropes to tie her arms and legs, properly gag her and blindfold her. She was starting to realize things may not go the way she expected when she felt herself being hoisted over the wolf's shoulder in a most undignified manner.

As she hear the dog picking up the sword of Hisou she thought, "that isn't supposed to happen."

Unfortunately for Tenshi, Momiji had been busy since the Miroya shrine had arrived to Gensokyo. Holding polite conversations with Suwako when the Tengu first opened conversations with the goddesses, had given her many good points with the blond goddess. The fact she liked to help Sanae whenever she returned from the Human village after a day of shopping simply earned her more good points; both Kanako and Suwako thought anybody helping their little girl needed to be rewarded.

The Aki sisters, although not very influential deities, had given her their blessings for the wolf. She was a fresh breath of air among all those rude and obnoxious youkai that filled the mountain.

And finally, young Sanae had wished her the best of luck after Momiji had escorted her during a rainy day, protecting the living goddess from the rain with her shield. Even small miracles were important, especially when they were granted in good faith to youkai.

None of them had thought about telling Momiji about what they had done for her, sure she wouldn't abuse of the new protection she carried against weapons Humans employed against Youkai.

The weapons Tenshi carried with her, while highly effective against any kind of youkai, had lost most of their power against the combined protection of five goddesses. The fact they had fought using swords gave another big advantage to Momiji. The outcome shouldn't have been a surprise, hadn't Tenshi been so sure of her victory.

Aaaaaand that's all. There would be more, but the site no longer supports NSFW works.

That's what happens when I check Danbooru before sleeping. Tenshi in bondage at Momiji's hands... yeah, good dreams

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Actually, Momizi is a stage 4 midboss. Stage 3 is Nitori-with-atrocious-optical-camouflage. But Yeah.

[WRATHIE_Beatrice]

YES!

I APPROVE OF WHAT THEE DID DAN-HERON!!

[Dan-Heron]

Thanks for pointing that, Muffin. I just remembered there was also Hina who could have blessed Momiji, but considering who's Momi's partner, I think Hina would stick with removing misfortune from her.

And thanks Wrathie, it's always good to know people enjoys what I write

[An Odd Sea Slug]

You are victorious for this short

[An Odd Sea Slug]

[Owls]

Everyone's fond of owls...

Aya Shameimaru sits at Mystia Lorelei's red lantern lamprey stand with a disguise upon her face. It is but a cliched glasses, nose and mustache disguise. Along with this, she has on a kimono.

"Hi there. I bet I can fool you." speaks the Tengu.

Mystia raises an eyebrow.

"How so?" she asks.

"I bet you can't recognize who I am."

"Oh really now?"

"Who am I?" asks Aya.

"I have no idea." answers Mystia, an obvious lie. "You have me stumped."

Aya then throws off the disguise, suddenly in her regular clothes.

"Aha, I knew it! You're not an owl!" Exclaims Aya.

"Gee, amazing, how ever did you figure it out?" asks Mystia sarcastically, washing a glass and not really paying attention.

"You were fooled. And you can't fool owls." answers Aya, pointing a finger in the air.

"Aya-sama is correct."

The white wolf Tengu, Momizi Inubashari appears.

"You can't fool owls."

"And how do you know?" asks Mystia.

"I should know... For I am an owl." speaks Momizi with an evil smile.

"Oh sure, and Keine is the king of the beavers." says Mystia, raising an eyebrow.

And at that moment, Keine just happened to be passing by.

"Hm? Whats everyone talking about?"

And thats when Nazrin appeared.

"I found you evil beaver king! Today shall be a reckoning!" shouted the mouse youkai, pointing her rods at Keine.

"Wait what?" asks Mystia, now confused.

Keine smiles darkly before suddenly speaking in a very male voice.

"So you've found me out..."

Keine tears away the lower part of 'her' dress... ...exposing beaver legs and a tail!

"But you're too late! My army is gathered! Go forth my army! Crush Gensokyo and insect citizens once and for all!" shouted beaver king Keine.

"Not today, villain! We will crush you once and for all! For great justice!" shouted Nazrin.

Now armies of beavers and mice charged toward each other for what would surely be a tremendously bloody battle. Mystia's jaw dropped.

"B-b-b-b-b-beaver?!" she exclaimed.

Now Kaguya and Mokou happened by.

"Beaver?!" exclaimed Mokou.

"Beaver...? Beaver?! BEEEEEEAAAAAAVERRRRRRR?!" shouted the exasperated Kaguya, seeming to be disgusted for some reason.

"Wait a minute... Does this mean that Keine was a man this whole time?!" shouts Mokou.

"YES!" responds Kaguya, holding a finger in the air.

Mokou hurriedly turns around to eject her dinner. Meanwhile...

"I am an owl, so you can't fool me either!" claims Momizi, pointing at Aya.

"M-M-Momi?! What are you talking abou-"

Thats when Momizi reached over and pulled off Aya's mask, revealing her to be Cirno!

"Eye am the Disguisiest!"

"No, zat vould be me!"

And thats when Cirno was stabbed in the back by the spy. Who was an owl.

"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!" shouts Mystia.

****

And thats when ZUN woke up in a cold sweat. He peeked out his windows curtains and pinched himself. He sighed.

"Never again." He said.

And that was how ZUN gave up Cucumber flavored beer.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

XD @ the punchline

[Zengar Zombolt]

But then who was phone?
Nah, just joking. I lol'd heartily.

[Kuuki]

Didn't seem like a wise idea to start a whole new thread so...... bump

Yeah so this would be my first post and first short after lurking for so long :V. I was reading the UFO story translations and was thinking, "at this rate, Shou is gonna be another one of those underrated Touhous who no one is going to write a fanfic about".

Therefore, I claim the first english UFO fanfic written since its C76 release! Actually, its more of a prologue of sorts. Comments are greatly demandedappreciated.

=======================================

"Are you feeling well?" he would inquire daily without fail.

"I am, my Lord. I am."

With lips curved, she would answer promptly. Without fail.

With a slight ache in her heart.

=======================================

"...... but should you run into any obstacles, retreat as soon as possible. I do not wish for anyone to get hurt during this mission." she said, to the creature whose height reached only to her neck.

"Aye, Lord Toramau~ When you've got Nazrin and the Mini Mouse March for your searching needs, all of your worries will become unfounded~" the creature said, or perhaps more if a squeak,saluting in all seriousness despite having just made a bad joke. Toramaru Shou simply sighed. She could never get used to those kind of puns, she supposed.

"But Lord Toramaru, wouldn't it be easier if we told Lord Vaisravana about the plan? I mean, the two of them aren't on bad terms or anything.... I'm sure Lord Vaisravana would...."

Toramaru swiftly laid a finger of the mouse youkai lips, "This matter does not concern our Lord. He himself has alot on his mind, I do not want to bring anymore trouble to him. Furthermore, I would like the outcome of this event to turn out to be a pleasant surprise for him."

"Even so...."

Nazrin's nose twitched, "Aaah, I see I see~ I guess I'll get moving then~ be seeing you later Lord Toramaruuu~" she squeaked in a quick pace, as she scurried out of the room in a flash.

"Was that Nazrin just now?"

Toramaru looked back, behind her was a man whose physically appearance was, if describable in a word, holy. "Yes, Lord Vaisravana, I sent her on a regular patrol." she spoke respectfully whilst bowing slightly.

"Is that right....?" said the holy man, abeit in an uninerested tone, while looking out of the window. He the fixed his gaze upon Toramaru, "So my disciple, are you feeling well today?"

"Yes, my Lord, I am." Toramaru said, remaining in her slightly bowed posture. "I will soon proceed with my morning errands."

Toramaru's master narrowed his brows, "Are you sure you are well?"

"I am." was her reply.

Lord Vaisravana slowly shook his head, "For centuries you were under my tutuleage, and even before that, you were praised for being absolutely honest and straightforward. Yet your heart never fails to waver upon this one simple question."

"My Lord, I do not understand what you are to saying...."

"Behold, you are clutching firmly onto the pagoda I've entrusted to you."

Indeed, she was.

"Is that not your symptom of being unsettled, of having doubt with your words?"

"I am....I..."

"When, Toramaru, when are you going to answer this question with a firm heart, as firm as the way you are holding onto that pagoda?"

"I... I....."

"When, Toramaru, when are you going to just come straight and speak..."

"I...."

"Speak and confess you are not human!"

Toramaru shot a stunned look at her master, who was still looking at her with brows furrowed. He remained silent thereafter.

"You.... you... are right.. My Lord.... You are right...." she took time to slowly catch her breath. "I am not well... not well at all..."

"I....your disciple... as though in a pretense.. preached to the humans.... hiding the fact that I am actually a youkai... Not that it is hard for me to tell a lie, but.... it is that.... on the occasion that I had to slander my breathren to appease human ears.... or even the times... the times I had to listen human requests to exterminate youkai who did them no harm..... the many times I withnessed humans cursing my kind as and when they desire.... Being under this facade for so long.....It hurts.... my heart aches...  My Lord, I am... not well."

As the expression of Lord Vaisravana's face mellowed, he said, "Good. You are now free of hesistation. I suppose you are feeling better now, having confessed a century worth of bottled up feelings."

"Indeed, I do feel much better. Nothing escapes your eyes, my Lord." Toramaru said, regaining her composure. "Obviously you have figured out what I am planning... will you stop us?"

The holy man said nothing. Instead he shuffled to the nearby window behind Toramaru. Looking out, he said while smiling, "Good weather we have today don't we? Toramaru, didn't you just say you had some errands to run?"

"Ah...? Oh... that? Well you see, that is actually the pla...."

"Well? Why are you still here stammering? Go run them already!"

"Ah... yes.." Toramaru bowed hastily, "Thank you very much, my Lord!"

After seeing her depart into the sky, Lord Vaisravana let out a slight chuckle.

"She is a strong spirited one indeed, just like you said. But even with her abilities, I cannot guarantee you to have a smooth return. However, I will be sure not to turn down your next Shogi request, Byakuren.

[An Odd Sea Slug]

"AHHHH, we're gonna run off that cliff you idiot!"

"Its not my fault! You're the one who shot out the breaks!"

"That's brakes, you repugnant scoundrel!"

"Forget it, just jump!"

"I don't wanna diiiieeeeeeeee!"

Kanako, Suwako, Sanae and Kogasa leapt out of the speeding hotrod, appearing to be doomed to death via twenty story drop.

"Crap! Whatever you do, don't look down! That's how all cartoon characters fall!" warned Kanako.

The other three gulped hard, looking upward into the sunny sky so hard, it threatened to tear the fabric of reality from the sheer force. The four quickly walked back to safe ground, collapsing in relief. Kogasa kissed the ground while Sanae fanned herself.

"Thrice-cursed fanfic writers, taking our flight powers away!" exclaimed Kanako.

"Yeah, whats up with that anyway? Its so stupid!" added Suwako.

"It can't be helped, for there is no barrier separating our poor souls from those who would wish to nerf us unreasonably for the lulz." sighed Sanae.

"Oh woe is us!" exclaimed kanako.

"Youuuuuuu theeeerrrrrreee!"

"Kyaaaa!" screamed Kogasa, hiding behind Sanae. "Save me, Onee-sama!"

"Oh no, it can't be...!" gasped Suwako.

"But it is!" added Kanako.

"The voice of..." began Sanae.

"Thats right! I am... ...theeeeeee auuuuuuuuthorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Its the author! Don't let it take me!" cried Kogasa.

"I have deprived you of your flight powers and your expensive custom hot rod with fuzzy steering wheel, spinning rims and bangin' bass!"

"Umm, we know. We almost got killed just now because of you." pointed out Suwako.

"Curse you, fiend!" exclaimed Kanako yet again, raising a fist.

"For my next glorious plot twist, I demand an offering... ..in the form of the Karakasa's skirrrrrrrrrrrrrt!" bellowed the author.

Kogasa squeaked in fear. Kanako, Suwako, and Sanae where all surprised by a sharp tearing sound, along with the sight of Kogasa's short skirt flying into the air.

"Excellent!" exclaimed the author.

Sanae's face turned red as blood shot out through her nose at the site of a skirtless Kogasa.

"Ekyaaaaaa! Now I can never get married to onee-sama!" cried out Kogasa, running away.

"You fiend! You just ruined her for marriage! You've gone too far!" shouted Kanako with hot blood.

"Shut up! Its my story! Now give me... ...mmmyyyy moneeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!"

"For pete's sake, can you PLEASE stop talking like that?!" shouted Suwako.

"You do not tell me what to do, for I am your pimp, and you are my joes!"

"Joes?" asks Suwako.

"We're getting crap passed the radar." answers Sanae.

"I see."

"This is not what we agreed to! I refuse to change my name to Joe!" asserted Kanako.

"Um, Kanako-sama thats not..."

"Fine then! The Karakasa shall be punished for your transgressions!" shouted the author

"You lolicon! I shall defeat you with my Bhudda Lyrical Frog Fu!" said Suwako.

"Your pitiful martial arts are no match for myyyy..."

The giant hand opened revealing Yamame, Reimu, Keine, Akyu, Rinnosuke and Yuugi. All under mind control.

"...army of Steeeeeeeeves!"

"Steve's? Did you kidnap them, implant mind control devices and make them legally change their names to Steve?" asks Suwako calmly.

"YES!" shouts the author.

"You have defiled my children!" shouts Kanako. "Thats it! Feel the force of my Ancient Japanese laser beams!"

The mind controlled people were blasted away before they could make a move.

"Curses! But its my story, so this climactic final clash shall certainly end in my victory!"

"Think again!" called out Suwako. "Taste the wrath of my colorful death rings of shining deathyness!"

The frog goddess slashed the giant hand in two.

"Oooooooooowwwwwwwwww! Fooooools, what have you doooooooooooonnnnnnnne?! I will not let this insolence go unpunished!"

"Are you asking for a challuuuuuuuuuuuuuunge?!" shouted Sanae. "Hax Sign! Do something f&@king stupid!"

Suddenly, there was a bright flash...

* * *

The author had been knocked to the floor, a bright flash from his computer monitor the very last thing he remembered. He opened his eyes to see three familiar women looming over him.

"Gadzooks! You've come to life!" exclaimed the little man.

"Well well, our tormentor is but a little lucky leprechaun." observes Kanako with a sadistic smile.

"He even has the big hat and the accent." adds Suwako.

"Tell us where your post of gold is!" orders Sanae.

The leprechaun man frantically backs into the wall.

"D-d-don't come any closer, you!" he stuttered fearfully.

"Now we're writing the story!" says Kanako.

"And for this next twist..." begins Suwako.

"...we beat the living hell outta you!" finishes Sanae.

"Eeeeep! S-sweet brunhiiiiildaaaaa! B-be a dear and take care of these rapscallions threatening my life, would you? Heh heh heh..."

Thats when Brunhilda appeared, caressed in Mannosuke's arms and smiling lustfully.

"Sorry honey. But I've found me a real man!"

"Why have little men, when you can have MANLY MEN?!" exclaims Mannosuke.

"Ravish me, you ridiculous, gigantic hunk of delicious man-meat!"

The two went off to do stuff that adults do.

"Th-this can't be! What does he have that I don't?!" asks the crying leprechaun.

"Money." answers Sanae, holding a giant pot of gold.

"What?! Where did you get that?!" demands the little man.

"I wrote it into the story!" answers Kanako, suddenly holding a logitech Wireless keyboard.

"Manliness." said Suwako.

"What?! How dare you insinuate that I lack manline-"

"Dude, you were writing a fanfic about abusing four beautiful young girls through cartoon proxy for the lulz." interrupts Suwako.

"Yes, thats not very manly." adds Sanae.

"And you tried to do dirty stuff to Kogasa." finishes Kanako.

"I couldn't help it! She's so cute, and adorable, and sexy and-"

"Exactly. You were cheating on your wife." said a glaring Suwako.

"With a fictional character." said a glaring Kanako.

"Pervert! Infidel!" accused Sanae.

"Alright, alright I admit it! I cheated on her with an adorable loli and lose -300 man points as a result, but please, at least tell my kids I loved them...!" begs the leprechaun.

"Your children have abandoned you to your fate." growls Kanako.

"Die monster!" exclaims Suwako.

"You don't belong in this story!" finishes Sanae.

"GEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

* * *

"And thats why we don't take away flight powers in fanfics Chen." says Ran as she closes the book, concluding the bedtime story.

"Oh my... I'll completely rewrite my fic tomorrow, Ran-chama!" answers Chen.

"Good girl." says the smiling Ran, petting her Shikigami's little cat head.

Suddenly, Yukari burst in without warning, looking rather haggard...

"Noooooooo, you forgot one last detail Ran!"

"Yukari-sama, don't...!"

"When REAL men write stories about four brave young women, it must be set in a brutal and violent world, where survival is an everyday struggle! Yes! The men are dead. The children are dead. The four are the only ones from the old order remaining to save whats left of their people from the endless hoards of darkness! Wielding their impractically large swords, they spill gallons of high-pressure blood in an endless struggle for truth, love and harmony, forever riding the paths of true warriors! Hades shall be their final resting place, but they care not! For all rides on them! All! Rides! On! Them!"

Ran covered Chen's ears as a spotlight shown on the overly dramatic and hyper-animated Yukari.

"Courage. Hope. Despair. Fear. Fortitude. Bravery. Tragedy. With each new victory comes a new loss. With each new loss comes hope for further victory! The villages are gone. The lands have been torn asunder. The hoard moves to claim its latest victims, and there is but one final chance to stop the calamity! What is that you ask? Thats right... SWIM LESSONS!"

"Swim lessons?!" exclaims Ran.

"Yes! The first step is to, gha, hah, HHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!"

Yukari drops dead.

"Ran-chama, did the Shinigami lady just kill Yukari-sama again?" asks Chen.

"Yes she did Chen, but now its time for bed."

"Okay. Goodnight Ran-chama!"

"Goodnight Chen."

Ran kissed Chen's head goodnight, turned out the lights and left.

* * *

"Man, that was too close..." sighed Komachi as she put away a black notebook she'd been carrying with her.

Komachi turned back just in time to see Yamame and Parsee pulling on Yuugi's legs while she hung in the air, hanging on to a large pole. Tenshi was watching in curiosity, face strangely blushing.

"Pull harder maggots! I've seen ragged little puppies pull hard than tha-"

*RIIIIIIIIIP*

"GYAAAAAAH, YOU PULLED TOO HARD YOU BASTARDS!"

Shinki emerged from Yuugi's body, bowling over Tenshi, who seemed to like it. Standing on top of Tenshi, she raised her hands to the sky, laughing madly.

"I am free! And now, all the world's panties shall be mine!"

Komachi sighed.

"Great, here we go again..."

The others (aside from the happy looking Tenshi) looked on in confusion...

[An Odd Sea Slug]

[This is why we don't write crossover fics]

"Ohhh my gooooooooood!"

"What, they're eating her?!"

"No, you just sent us through a dimensional portal!"

"Oh that... Did I do thaaaaat?"

"Yes you did, you sunuva b&#!h! If we crash and die, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Well sooooooooorry!"

****

Meanwhile, an octopus monster had invaded Gensokyo.

"I'm tired of living in Octoman's shadow!"

Reimu, Marisa and Sanae are on hand to shoot shit at him.

"Argh! How dare you shoot me!"

"Shut up and die!" shouted Reimu.

"For love and justice!" added Sanae.

"I have bagels!" shouts Marisa, holding up bagels.

"Nooooooo, so you're the bagel man! I shall have my tentacle ridden revenge!"

"No thanks. I'm sure there are doujins of that somewhere." replies Sanae.

Then the girls shot at the octopus. The octopus shot back with CAVE TLB style barrages.

"Holy shit thats a lot of bullets!" shouts Marisa desperate to dodge.

Sanae is hit and explodes into power items. The octopus sucks them up, becoming bigger and stronger.

"Ahahahahha! When I get done, you'll wish I was Octoman!"

"Oh, when I get my hands on you, I will Falcon Kick your ass to the moon!" shouts Reimu.

****

The Watasuki's would sneeze here for emphasis, but they're too busy being bound and gagged by Alien Hominid terrorists attempting to take over the moon. Awesome.

****

Suddenly, Reimu was in the octopus' grasp.

"Let me go you blubbery buffoon!"

"Don't worry Reimu! I'll save you!"

But Marisa couldn't get past the barrage and ended up losing a life with no stock left.

"Dammit, what do I do?!"

"Do a barrel roll!" shouted a voice on a loud speaker.

"H-huh?!"

An Arwing pulls up to Marisa. The canopy opens, revealing Peppy Hare.

"Do a barrel role!" he shouted, with a twirling finger gesture.

"A what?"

"Do a barrel roll, ya stank-ass weeyotch beeyotch!"

"What?!"

Marisa chased Peppy, the two of them shooting each other up. Meanwhile, three more Arwings began shooting the giant octopus, setting Reimu free.

"Enemy shields analyzed!" announced Slippy.

"I'm going in!" announced Fox.

"Hands off my prey!" replies Falco.

"What the... Star Fox?! How did you get here?!" shouts the octopus monster.

"Oh, frog face over there though it would be a brilllllllliant idea to detonate some tricobalt warheads in open space." answered Falco.

"Yeah, dimensional vortex, we all got sucked in, yada yada yada, can you hurry up and die please?" asks Fox.

"Hey, you guys nearly hit me! What kind of youkai are you?" yells a huffing and angry Reimu from behind the arwings.

"Oh hey, its that red and white thing we shot at earlier." says Falco.

"'Hey, its +10 points for her, according to the strategy guide. I got dibs!" replies Fox, looking at an official Touhou Shorts strategy guide.

"WTF?!" exclaims Reimu as she finds herself being shot at.

Slippy is immediately hit by Reimu's balls.

"Ahh! Help me!"

"Hail naw!" shouted Fox and Falco at the same time.

Slippy crashes and dies and the world rejoices.

"Hey, can I have his stuff?" asks Falco.

"Negro, please." responds Fox.

Reimu notices that Fox has a bound and gagged Ran hanging off his Arwing and Falco has a bound and gagged Aya hanging off his Arwing.

"Guys, what the hell?" asks Reimu, pointing a finger.

"Fox, what the hell? What about Krystal?" asked Falco.

"Oh, the psychic chick? Negro, please."

"Argh, stop ignoring me!" shouts the octopus. "I'm going to destr-"

Falco and Aya were then vaporized by a master spark that also hit the octopus.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Argh! I missed!" huffs Marisa.

"Ya shoulda did a barrel roll! Tooooold you!" shouts the gang-sign flashing Peppy.

"I don't need no barrel rolls to beat you!" replies Marisa.

"Its an Aileron Roll, dammit! An Aileron Roll!" shouts Tails (wait what?). "You have tainted the minds of young children everywhere with your misuse of terms!"

"Try a somersault!" shouts Peppy, still evading Marisa, ignoring Tails.

"What is wrong with you people?! Its called an Immelman! Did you get your pilot's license out of a cereal box?!"

Peppy opens his canopy once more, and takes his shotgun to tails, who falls down in a torrent of blood, crashing and dying. He then flies into the clouds as Marisa is eaten by an alligator.

Fox and Reimu charge at each other, locking on...

"You're finished, fur face!"

"Take a dirt nap, armpits!"

But then a glorious light appeared from the sky...

"Use bombs wisely!" echoed a mystical voice from the sky.

"Huh?!" yells Reimu.

"W-what?" said Fox.

"Use bombs wisely."

And then it hit them...

"It can't be... He's totally right... All I do is just bomb spam and credit feed... If I took a few runs to actually learn the patterns, then perhaps..." said the despairing Reimu.

"What... What have I done?" began Fox. "All I'm doing here is perpetuating a never ending cycle of violence, an unending torrent of blood and tears..."

"Why?! Why couldn't we see the truth?" asked the crest-fallen and tearful Reimu.

Just then, Peppy descended from the great light, now in white robes and sandals, on the wings of little Falco Angels.

"It is alright, my children. Peppy saves."

But then the octopus monster emerges.

"Impossible, no one could survive that much dust!" exclaims Reimu.

"My skin made-o-steel, miko midget! Yeeeeeeeeah!"

"Wait, what the hell is going on here?!" asks Fox.

"This my friend... is what you call a Heel Face Turn."

Suddenly, Peppy hurled a large yellow spinning disk at the octopus beast, slicing off his tentacles and sending high-pressure blood everywhere.

"ARRRRRRRRRRGH, what have you done?!" shouted the beast.

"I shall cleanse thee."

Peppy then beats up the beast with kung-fu moves before jumping high into the air...

"It... It can't be!" exclaimed Reimu in disbelief.

"The legendary technique...!" added Fox.

"No, anything but that...!" begs the octopus monster.

"The Buddha's Palm!" shouted Fox and Reimu.

"Talketh... to thy hand." speaks Peppy.

A giant invisible palm slams down on the octopus monster, crushing him into the Earth. He explodes into a bunch of gold stars. Soon, Reimu, Fox and all of Gensokyo gathered around Peppy, bowing before him.

"Peppy Hare, you have saved Gensokyo and showed us the path of light." speaks Reimu.

"We are forever in your debt." adds Fox.

"Please... If there is anything we can do to repay you..."

Peppy puts a finger on his chin, thinking a moment, taking a cigarette from Fujiwara no Mokou before answering...

"Do a barrel roll!"

"Yes sir!"

Reimu and Fox salute Peppy before taking to the sky. Their eternal barrel rolls would sprinkle Gensokyo in rainbows, unicorns, health rings and point items. The flowers grew, the birds sang, and everyone lived in tranquility.

But then, the Alien Hominid terrorists had their demands met. Ran Yakumo had a complete freakout over the sight of Chen having her head bit off. Soon, the lunar capital was nuked, the food trucks stopped coming, and everyone had terrible gas, because there was no more beano. Then the hominid space ship crashed to the ground, the reactor breaching and causing a catastrophic explosion.

Gensokyo was bathed in a nuclear winter, and few survived. The survivors endured the destruction of their world in an underground colony... Cirno was returning home from her work duty some years later...

"Holy crap, who trashed my place?!" she shouted.

Sonic the Hedgehog was totally raiding her fridge.

"Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!"

"Who are you?!"

"Sonic's the name, speeds my game!"

"Get the hell outta my house before I call the co-"

Thats when Sonic ran up to Cirno and slapped her down.

"I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, beeeeeeeyotch!."

THE END
Of this story, not the thread.

[Kasu]

...

That.  Was.  Awesome.

Most random thing I'd read all day. XD

[Demonbman]

That was wow....just.....wow

[An Odd Sea Slug]

Yeeeeah... I wrote this waaaaaay back in early winter '09, back when I was playing DFO. I stopped midway, put away for all that time, and proceeded to completely forget about it. The result? A piece of crap, the punchline of which was long forgotten, thus a really rushed, crappy cop-out ending. So yeah.

****

[Slayers Fucking Suck.]

Today's show is brought to you by Tristan's voice. And shaving cream!

---

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBES!!!"

The slayer slams into the ground, chasing after the wheelbarrow mage who had lots of cubes of all types in her wheelbarrow.

"Tralalalalalalalala~"

"Stop right there, loli brat! Slayers need cubes because we are 1337! CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBES!"

And thats when the mage dove into a manhole, leaving the slayer to slam into her magic rod. And then Lorien Forest exploded. And thats when a brawler appeared in the sewers, waiting for the little elven mage girl.

"Gimme those cubes, or get cracked." demanded the brawler.

"Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala~ You can't catch me, you can't catch me, you can't catch me~"

"I shall catch you, for cube skills and items are 1337!"

"Cube skills are for noobs!"

"What?! How dare you...!"

The brawler launches a net at the retreating mage, only for her to suddenly be replaced by a little strawman. Oh, and the wheelbarrow suddenly has craploads of flame grenades in it.

"Oh f-"

*BLA-BOOMYYYYYYYYYY!*

"Hahahahahahahaha~"

With a crapload-o-cubes in her arms, the mage somehow went from the sewers to Hendon Myre. A female gunner was in her path.

"Where do you think you're going with all those cubes?" she asked.

"The top of the PvP ranking ladders! Oh, and Cleveland."

"They look heavy." suddenly, she pointed guns at the mage. "Lemme take those for ya."

"You can't hurt me!" said the mage.

"Oh? And why not?"

"You haven't been released in North America yet!"

"Fuuuuu..."

"Hey, you're really sexy! Can you and me be buddies and fight little goblins together?"

"Hell no!" answers the gunner.

The mage begins looking at her with pleading puppy dog eyes. The lady gunner looks back down, seemingly unphased... But at the sight of the sad moe in front of her, her stoic barriers began to fail... Her hard mental training began to fail her, her hardened visage and disposition weakening. She didn't know what was happening... Sweat soaked her face, her knees weakened, her lips trembled as she opened to mouth to say...

"Hell no! Now gimme those cubes, ya little loli brat!"

And then Seria Kermin exploded.

"No? Oh, then I'll just kidnap you!"

Suddenly, a black mass of magic shot out from the mage, wrapping and gagging the lady gunner.

"Mmmmmph?! Mmmmph!!"

The mage continues running through Hendon Myre, cubes and captive loaded on a new wheelbarrow (gotten out of Danjin's Ancient Pot: Gardening Tools). She soon reached Odessa, and found herself surrounded by Cartel Agents led by Michelle, aka the single worst boss in the game.

"Oh no, whatever shall I do? Surrounded by the most bullshit enemies in the game with chronic head shot abilities and eleven to fourteen life bars~"

The mage seemed to be seriously doomed until a male gunner pulled up in a Cadillac.

"When all else fails, sometimes you just need a good set of wheels." he said.

"Tralalalalalala~ That did not rhyme at all!" replied the mage.

"Damn... Well on the bright side, this car comes with seven speeds. 5th, 6th, and G.S.D."

"G.S.D.?"

The gunner hits the G.S.D. button. An unspeakably GAR old man of many swords and a demonic arm emerges from the trunk and proceeds to start wrecking everyone's shit without the slightest effort. The mage smiled delightfully as everything and everyone was killed in the most horrifying... ly badass manner possible.

"Wow, G.S.D. is like, awesome and completely overpowered! Yay!" cheered the mage.

"Glad you noticed. Now thank him,"

The mage went to thank him, only to find she suddenly couldn't move. She looked down and, curiously enough, the cubes and tied up lady gunner were both gone. But more importantly, she herself was suddenly tied up and shibari'd to a light pole. G.S.D. and the male gunner were still in the car, with the cubes and tied up lady gunner in the back.

"He says you're welcome," spoke the male gunner before they drove off.

The mage looked at them nonchalantly. One would think she'd be a bit more upset about having her possibly-stolen shit stolen and left tied up and helpless in public... But she just smiled.

"These ropes feel really good, but I have delivery to make!"

And thats when the male gunner was stabbed in the chest by G.S.D.

"Shit makes no sense man."

He died. He was suddenly poofed out and replaced by the mage.

"You're really badass! Can you and me be buddies and fight little wolves together?"

G.S.D. gave a thumbs up and the two drove into the sunset.

*sometime later*

Tsumugi Kotobuki sat clad in her throne room, clad in he favorite china dress. Her dark chambers lit up as the mage girl and G.S.D. walked in.

"Ah, you brought the cubes earlier than expected. Well done, my pawn. With this many cubes, I can surely produce the best damn flyswatter the world has ever known! Ahahahahahahahahahahahha!"

Her evil laughter echoed into the night. That is, had G.S.D. not blown her up because she annoyed him. He sat on the thrown before giving a thumbs up. Now he was in charge.

"Just as planned~" giggled the mage girl.

[Kasu]

What.

[Esifex]

What.

[Kasu]

Your sig is also a good representation how I felt.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Flat What

[An Odd Sea Slug]

(I feel sick as fuck. Getting this out of my head before hitting the hay.)

[Pancakes]

"Yo Alice, breakfast is ready! Hurry up!" called out Marisa.

"Smells good! Oooooh, pancakes!" observes Alice.

"Not just any pancakes; this is Kourin's secret recipe. Pancakes so good you'll wanna smack yo momma!"

"Wait, what?"

"Nevermind, hurry up and try a bite!"

Alice takes a bite, and instantly lights up brighter than the sun.

"Daaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm...!"

Suddenly a portal opens and Alice jumps through.

"We love our bread, we love our butter, but most of all, we love each o-"

And thats when a large portal opened above Makai's royal breakfast table. Alice drops down with a demented smile on her face, much to the shock of Yuki, Mai and Yumeko and to the delight of Shinki.

"Why hello there Alice! This an unexpected surpri-"

Alice walked across the table and smacked the ever loving, Kanako-damned shit out of her own mother, sending her flying through the castle walls, and onto the streets below, getting smacked by a passing bus before she could even hit the ground, flying right into Nitori's mallet factory, being rendered flatter than Marisa's pancakes before getting whacked into the nearby postal cannon (a cannon disguised as a public post box) and getting launched right into a conveniently placed wrecking ball, which smacked her so hard, it sent her plowing right through the planet, and into the skies of China.

Meiling snapped out of her meditative trance from beneath the nearby waterfall as she heard the crash, suspecting she was sensing her long lost grandfather. Nope, instead, Shinki went flying high, high, high into the sky, breaking through the atmosphere and ending up in space, falling on the moon- right on the Watasuki sister's new golf course.

"FOURRRRRR!"

A precise whack from Toyohime sent Shinki crashing through the Kappa Korporation TV Satellite before dropping through the atmosphere like a descending asteroid, tumbling through the Chinese cliffs before plowing all the way through the Earth again and, by chance, ending up back in Makai, where a taxi -complete with a Cirntos advertisement on the side- was waiting to back into her, sending her through a glass skyscraper and a knife factory before crashing through her castle's roof, sliding across the royal breakfast table, and plowing dead into her thrown.

A dead silence briefly befell the room.

"U-um... Lady Shinki...?" spoke Yumeko.

A pale, empty eyed Shinki shambled out from the ruins of her throne before falling face first onto the floor. Everyone's jaw dropped- except for Alice's as she had already gone back to Marisa's through the portal.

"Wow Marisa, you were right!" exclaimed the doll maker.

"I told you! These are some daaaaaamn good pancakes."

"Damn good panckes!" repeated Alice.

"But thats not all! Today, we drink our orange juice through these badass Darth Vader sippy cups!"

"Thats badass!" exclaimed Alice.

"I know, right? So badass, you'll want to chop Reimu's legs off!" proclaimed Marisa.

"Lemme have a sip!"

And so began the nutritious cycle of nonsensical destruction anew.

[Esifex]

And so began the nutritious cycle of nonsensical destruction anew.

What

the

HELL

Oh my god this is made all the better by my just having had some pancakes for breakfast, and reading this at the same time. Suddenly, I love life.

"I know, right? So badass, you'll want to chop Reimu's legs off!" proclaimed Marisa.

"Lemme have a sip!"