Author Topic: 東方意地奴 ~ Touhou Ijiyatsu - Monarchly Moron (Ver. 1.00d) (Read 84269 times)

Gpop: ...I have no idea where the hell I'm going. At all.
   And I didn't even get a chance to ask Jan before he randomly attacked me.

Gpop: Any ideas, TranceHime?

TranceHime: ...Euh... There's only one way from what I can see.
      And that way is to go forward.

TranceHime: Sometimes, the way to not be lost is to just go with the flow... Y'know?

Gpop: Maybe. But I don't see anything at the moment. Might as well turn back, I guess.

*Nwbi enters*

Nwbi: Fuu... You talked about going with the flow, but is it always that wise of a choice to make?

TranceHime: Don't question the sagacity of my words, you who cross our path.

Nwbi: Sometimes, bad luck just happens, you know.

Nwbi: Just saying~

Gpop: Well, I'm feeling lucky today. So there.

Gpop: You might as well move out of the way.
   I'm on my way to a promotion!

Nwbi: Ah, okay, if you're in a hurry...

TranceHime: This feels too easy... Would she really let us move on without a fight?

Gpop: Good point. Might as well beat her up anyways just in case.

Gpop: Besides, she's an Idiot Maiden.
   Maybe beating her up will increase my chance of becoming an Idiot Deity?

Nwbi: Nonono, I have nothing behind my actions. Your promotion sounds like a happy occasion,
   and I approve of it~

TranceHime: Flattery won't save you.

Nwbi: Wait...
   The Idiot Deity?

Gpop: Yes. But that doesn't matter to you. You'll be dead in a second.

TranceHime: Nothing personal, just the harsh reality of the business world.
      Things like this are at times necessary.

Gpop: Enough talking, more fighting!

Nwbi: Uu... I'm not keen at either fighting or hurting.
   So, I guess...

Nwbi: The balance of luck has two sides. Let's see which one weighs more for me today~

*Battle starts, Nwbi gets curbstomped*

Gpop: Huh? Over already? I expected more from an IM.
   Seems like I took her good luck.

TranceHime: Let us make haste.

Gpop: Yes, let us. We better do this before my luck runs out!

Zengar Zombolt · « **Reply #156 on:** October 25, 2009, 02:56:33 AM »

Bravo, pops. Bravo.

Nine West · « **Reply #157 on:** October 25, 2009, 02:58:11 AM »

Quote from: Hizengar Byakuren on October 25, 2009, 02:56:33 AM

Bravo, pops. Bravo.

We need more PC/partners to make dialogues, so get on the channel.

trancehime · « **Reply #158 on:** October 25, 2009, 02:58:50 AM »

Uhh I'll return on the channel as soon as I can get back on dejatoons

Senimiligone · « **Reply #159 on:** October 25, 2009, 03:01:26 AM »

i would like to help but i was 'd

Drake · « **Reply #160 on:** October 25, 2009, 04:15:55 AM »

GpopA Stage 1 dialogue finished.

Gpop: ... ...I'm lost...

Gpop: 'Nako, you used to be a deity as well. Any suggestions?

'Nako: I have no idea where we're supposed to go either. We should just keep looking around.
   We may encounter someone like Jan again.

Gpop: Oh dear Kanako I hope not. He didn't even say anything and randomly attacked us!

'Nako: Point. Well, they may actually SAY something this time around. [sweatdrop]

Nwbi: Jan? She made nice melodies, yes.

'Nako: Ah! Finally!

Gpop: Sorry, I was too busy dodging all of his bullets to even pay some
   damn attention to any music she made.

Nwbi: Multitasking is hard, yes?

'Nako: Indeed.

Gpop: Especially when I'm trying to move along with someone like you in the way.

'Nako: Hey, don't be so mean.

Gpop: Hey, shut up Kanako. I'm trying to find an excuse to beat this person up.

'Nako: Hmph!

Nwbi: Let's try to be civil, shall we?
   What do you do when you meet the usual random person on the streets, hmm?

Gpop: I beat 'em up.

'Nako: How rude!

Gpop: Kanako, I said shut it!
   I'm making progress here!

Gpop: So yeah, you better move out of the way before I beat you too!

Nwbi: My, how hasty you are to say that!
   Perhaps they could bring good luck for your day, you know~

Gpop: That kind of luck is what got me demoted from Idiot Deity in the first place!

'Nako: Don't be so bitter. [sweatdrop]

Gpop: I have an idea, I'll just beat the luck out of YOU, so I can take it for the rest of my adventure.

Nwbi: Taking away luck...
   Is that even possible for a former Idiot Deity to do?

Nwbi: But I do feel apprehension. It seems that the black cat is nearby, today...

*Nwbi gets a black cat thrown at him*

Gpop: Well... that was awfully quick. Maybe my luck is changing for the better?

'Nako: Sigh, I should've known better than to agree to travel with you.

Gpop: Shut up, you inferior goddess.

N-Forza · « **Reply #161 on:** October 25, 2009, 06:12:36 AM »

Maybe I'll try to translate this as it gets done. Certainly easier than doing it all at once, but I'll probably wait until more progress on the game gets made.

Drake · « **Reply #162 on:** October 25, 2009, 06:13:50 AM »

I would wait until at least stage 3 is done with everyone.

ES-Anthy · « **Reply #163 on:** October 25, 2009, 06:32:19 AM »

Quote from: Drake on October 25, 2009, 06:13:50 AM

I would wait until at least stage 3 is done with everyone.

wait, are we going to attempt actually making a demo before going on with the full product?

Nobu · « **Reply #164 on:** October 25, 2009, 06:36:40 AM »

Quote from: Anthony on October 25, 2009, 06:32:19 AM

wait, are we going to attempt actually making a demo before going on with the full product?

Well, if we can complete the stages starting with the first three, I don't see why not.

Nobu · « **Reply #165 on:** October 25, 2009, 08:22:00 AM »

Here's my initial thoughts and proofreading suggestions on the dialog. I did it in the style of a lang-8 proofreading, so teal = rewriting, and red = notes. What do people think?

Quote from: Drake on October 25, 2009, 04:15:55 AM

GpopA Stage 1 dialogue finished.

Gpop: ... ...I'm lost...

Gpop: 'Nako, you used to be a deity as well. Any suggestions?

'Nako: I have no idea where we're supposed to go either. We should just keep looking around.
   We may encounter someone like Jan again.

Gpop: Oh dear Kanako I hope not. He didn't even say anything and randomly attacked us!

'Nako: Point. Well, they may actually SAY something this time around. [sweatdrop]

Nwbi: Jan? She made nice melodies, yes.

'Nako: Ah! Finally!

Gpop: Sorry, I was too busy dodging all of his bullets to even pay some
   damn pay attention to any damn music she made.

Nwbi: Multitasking is hard, yes?

'Nako: Indeed.

Gpop: Especially when I'm trying to move along with someone like you in the way.

'Nako: Hey, don't be so mean.

Gpop: Hey, shut up Kanako. I'm trying to find an excuse to beat this person up.

'Nako: Hmph!

Nwbi: Let's try to be civil, shall we?
   What do you do when you meet the usual random person on the streets, hmm?

Gpop: I beat 'em up.

'Nako: How rude!

Gpop: Kanako, I said shut it!
   I'm making progress here!

Gpop: So yeah, you better move out of the way before I beat you ~~too~~ next!

Nwbi: My, how hasty you are to say that!
   Perhaps they could have been bringing good luck for your day, you know~

Gpop: That kind of luck is what got me demoted from Idiot Deity in the first place!

'Nako: Don't be so bitter. [sweatdrop]

Gpop: I have an idea, I'll just beat the luck out of YOU, so I can ~~take~~ have it for the rest of my adventure.

*Stage 1 boss music begins here?*

Nwbi: Taking away luck...
   Is that even possible for a former Idiot Deity to do?

(This seems like it would be a good spot for the boss battle to begin)

Nwbi: But I do feel apprehension. It seems that the black cat is nearby, today...

*Nwbi gets a black cat thrown at him* (I feel like this segment doesn't fit as well with the overall flow of the rest of the dialogue.

Gpop: Well... that was awfully quick. Maybe my luck is changing for the better?

'Nako: Sigh, I should've known better than to agree to travel with you.

Gpop: Shut up, you inferior goddess.

Nine West · « **Reply #166 on:** October 25, 2009, 08:39:29 AM »

Most of it were pretty much made up on the spot, so they definitely will need some revisions.

Kuma · « **Reply #167 on:** October 25, 2009, 08:41:18 AM »

So, with the theme of Idiocy and all, will all the characters seem dumber and dumber as we go along?

Nobu · « **Reply #168 on:** October 25, 2009, 08:55:02 AM »

Quote from: Nwbi on October 25, 2009, 08:39:29 AM

Most of it were pretty much made up on the spot, so they definitely will need some revisions.

I think doing improv for the dialogue is a great way to make it, and then you have a good foundation to work from for revisions.

Also, here's my input the other set. Thoughts?

Quote from: Drake on October 25, 2009, 02:41:53 AM

GpopB Stage 1 dialogue is done.

Gpop: ...I have no idea where the hell I'm going. At all.
   And I didn't even get a chance to ask Jan before he randomly attacked me.

Gpop: Any ideas, Trance~~Hime~~? (Just calling Trance by Trance seems more casual to me. TranceHime sounds like you're calling her by her full name.

TranceHime: ...Euh... There's only one way from what I can see.
      And that way is to go forward.

TranceHime: Sometimes, the best way to not get lost is to just go with the flow... Y'know?

Gpop: Maybe. But I don't see anything at the moment. Might as well turn back, I guess.

*Nwbi enters*

Nwbi: Fuu... You talked about going with the flow, but is ~~it always that wise of a~~ that always a wise choice to make?

TranceHime: Don't question the sagacity of my words, you who cross our path.

Nwbi: Sometimes, bad luck just happens, you know.

Nwbi: Just saying~

Gpop: Well, I'm feeling lucky today. So there.

Gpop: You might as well move out of the way.
   I'm on my way to a promotion!

Nwbi: Ah, okay, if you're in a hurry...

TranceHime: This feels too easy... Would she really let us move on without a fight?

Gpop: Good point. Might as well beat her up anyways just in case.

Gpop: Besides, she's an Idiot Maiden.
   Maybe beating her up will increase my chance of becoming an Idiot Deity?

Nwbi: Nonono, I have nothing behind my actions. (I don't really understand what this means, can't think of a better way to put it) Your promotion sounds like a happy occasion,
   and I approve of it~

TranceHime: Flattery won't save you.

Nwbi: Wait...
   The Idiot Deity?

Gpop: Yes. But that doesn't matter to you. You'll be dead in a second.

TranceHime: Nothing personal, just the harsh reality of the business world.
      Things like this are at times necessary.

Gpop: ~~Enough~~ Less talking, more fighting!

Nwbi: Uu... I'm not keen at ~~either fighting or hurting.~~ fighting nor causing pain..
   ~~So,~~ But I guess...

Nwbi: The balance of luck has two sides. Let's see which one weighs more for me today~

*Battle starts, Nwbi gets curbstomped*

Gpop: Huh? Over already? I expected more from an IM.
   Seems like I took her good luck.

TranceHime: Let us make haste.

Gpop: Yes, ~~let us~~ let's. We better do this before my luck runs out!

Jana · « **Reply #169 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:13:28 AM »

Might wanna figure out if I'm gonna be a "he" or a "she" for these scripts. :V

Spoiler:

Good to see so many nice things happening today~ We got new art and are even making story scripts, and seeing the Danmakufu guys working is nice too (despite totally not getting it, especially at 4 AM)!

Nine West · « **Reply #170 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:17:10 AM »

Gpop A
First edit: That seems fine the way it was before, really.
Second edit: Again, read above.
Third edit: Ditto, but I should've probably said 'to' instead of 'for.'
Fourth edit: '...YOU and take it, so I can have it...' seems more correct, IMO.
Fifth, sixth, and seventh edit: Don't take that part out.

The BGM change should happen between lines 24-25, and battle should commence after my last line.

Gpop B
First edit: Yes.
Second edit: Again, yes.
Third edit: No. Just leave it.
Fourth edit: Change to "I hide nothing behind my actions" to reduce apparent confusion. "Nonono" should probably be spaced (?).
Fifth edit: Either way is fine.
Sixth edit: It was fine the way it was, IMO.
Seventh edit: If you're going with "let's," the "Yes" should probably be changed to "Yeah."
And BGM change after line 23.

Also, refer to everyone as female for the sake of in-game context.

Lastly, the writers might want to step up and give some opinions since they're probably better at this than we are.

Nobu · « **Reply #171 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:47:12 AM »

Quote from: Nwbi on October 25, 2009, 09:17:10 AM

Gpop A
First edit: That seems fine the way it was before, really.
Second edit: Again, read above.
Third edit: Ditto, but I should've probably said 'to' instead of 'for.' The first two edits were more opinion, but this third edit is because the original is in the wrong tense. It's referring to people that Gpop have beaten up in the past, so it needs to be in past tense.
Fourth edit: '...YOU and take it, so I can have it...' seems more correct, IMO. The double 'its' are redundant. Honestly, my trouble with this is the 'YOU' in emphasis, because since GPop already suggested beating Nwbi up a little earlier the emphasis doesn't make sense.
Fifth, sixth, and seventh edit: Don't take that part out. The BGM change should happen between lines 24-25, and battle should commence after my last line. I crossed out those lines because they seemed to come from out of nowhere, and the cat throwing verb should be in active voice at the least if it stays in. I'm not really a fan of RPing actions within the dialog, however.

Gpop B
First edit: Yes.
Second edit: Again, yes.
Third edit: No. Just leave it. Why? If your speech is supposed to sound weird, then I understand. Otherwise, it sounds better the way I put it. Try reading it aloud and seeing how natural the original sounds.
Fourth edit: Change to "I hide nothing behind my actions" to reduce apparent confusion. "Nonono" should probably be spaced (?).

Fifth edit: Either way is fine. If you'd rather use hurting, you HAVE to say "Neither fighting nor hurting others", or else it's incorrect. The 'others' part is important too because "good at hurting" makes it sound like Nwbi is skilled at being hurt.

Sixth edit: It was fine the way it was, IMO. Using 'so' doesn't fit compared to 'But' in this sentence. Let me illustrate why:

"We should go to the mall today!" "I already went shopping yesterday, but/so I guess we can go." 'But' is the correct usage in this instance, because you're giving a reason towards the contrary, yet you're going along with it anyway.

"We should go shopping today!" "I haven't been outside for a while, so I guess we can go." - Correct usage of 'so', because 'haven't been outside' is a reason supporting the first statement.

Nwbi says here that "I'm not good at fighting", because she's giving a reason why she'd rather not fight, but saying "I guess so" means that she's accepting it regardless, so 'But' is the correct word choice.

Seventh edit: If you're going with "let's," the "Yes" should probably be changed to "Yeah."
And BGM change after line 23.

Also, refer to everyone as female for the sake of in-game context. This.

Hey, who knew that 18 years of school and proofreading would have finally come in handy. :x

I realize that especially in the next to last edit, I was being very nitpicky. However, I don't think this is a bad thing. Editing is serious business.

Nine West · « **Reply #172 on:** October 25, 2009, 10:35:51 AM »

Gpop A
Third edit: Oh wow, my failure to read the whole dialogue instead of just the ones with green text is facepalm worthy. It is 3:30 AM in the morning for a 15 year-old, so bear with me. >_>
I said I was stupid. The edit makes more sense.

Fourth edit: Uh-huh, the emphasis on you seems rather unnecessary.

Fifth, sixth, and seventh edit: Lol it was mostly to just clarify my thoughts a little bit since my last line ended with a question, and the one after it states my standing on the issue (which is 'probably yes') and add somewhat of a downcast feeling about it. And the 'thrown' should stay because there's already 'gets' before it.

Gpop B
Third edit: Obviously it's just my preference.

Fifth edit: "Keen," in this sentence, is intended to mean "interested." What I'm trying to say is "I don't like fighting or getting hurt" since, as you said, "hurting" could be directed at one's self. Now that I think about it, I'd prefer "I'm neither keen at fighting nor hurting," but-

Sixth edit: Reading the above, you now understand that it's a misconception. I found a better edit for it anyways:
-"I'm not keen at fighting..."
-"...but I'd rather not get hurt..."
-"So I guess..."
Voila. The 'so' is directed at the second sentence, so there.

If we're going into these arguments every time a new dialogue is completed, then it is serious business indeed.

Spoiler:

Nobu · « **Reply #173 on:** October 25, 2009, 05:10:27 PM »

Fifth, sixth, and seventh edit: Lol it was mostly to just clarify my thoughts a little bit since my last line ended with a question, and the one after it states my standing on the issue (which is 'probably yes') and add somewhat of a downcast feeling about it. And the 'thrown' should stay because there's already 'gets' before it. I thought the last line ending with a question was fine, and a good segue into battle since it has the flavor of stabbing at Gpop by calling him out on his lost ID status. Who is throwing the cat at Nwbi, Gpop?

Gpop B
Third edit: Obviously it's just my preference. It wasn't obvious though~. :< In retrospect, I think it's fine either way, so i'll take back my suggestion.

Fifth edit: "Keen," in this sentence, is intended to mean "interested." What I'm trying to say is "I don't like fighting or getting hurt" since, as you said, "hurting" could be directed at one's self. Now that I think about it, I'd prefer "I'm neither keen at fighting nor hurting," but- I was confused with 'keen' in this sentence last night, because you said "keen at" where it should be "keen on". Also, 'neither keen on fighting nor hurting' still overwhelmingly sounds like Nwbi is talking about hurting others. You'd have to use 'hurting others' to remove the ambiguity.

Sixth edit: Reading the above, you now understand that it's a misconception. I found a better edit for it anyways:
-"I'm not keen at fighting..."
-"...but I'd rather not get hurt..."
-"So I guess..."
Voila. The 'so' is directed at the second sentence, so there. Perfect. I have no complaints.

If we're going into these arguments every time a new dialogue is completed, then it is serious business indeed. I hope no one ends up wanting to kill me by the time the project is over, haha. I just want to help the best I can. :3

Spoiler:

If you literally mean you only learned English three years ago, you're pretty damn good. :V

Drake · « **Reply #174 on:** October 25, 2009, 06:54:53 PM »

No, any help regarding the dialogues is encouraged. I haven't read it all, but some simple grammar and flow errors shouldn't really be too much of a problem. I'll just edit them in.

Nobu · « **Reply #175 on:** October 25, 2009, 08:57:43 PM »

Quote from: Drake on October 25, 2009, 06:54:53 PM

No, any help regarding the dialogues is encouraged. I haven't read it all, but some simple grammar and flow errors shouldn't really be too much of a problem. I'll just edit them in.

I'm going to try and find some kind of system online where we'd be able to put up the dialogs and make notes and commentary in a more organized fashion.

I'm sure there's SOME kind of service that allows people to access and comment on a piece of writing for group editing and critique. Does anyone know of something like this?

Nine West · « **Reply #176 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:06:20 PM »

Nah, I'd rather it to be ambiguous as to who threw the cat at me. :V

So I guess we're done for the time being.

Also, I've studied English for a few years, but have only used it (to talk, write, etc) for as long as what I said.

Spoiler:

Nobu · « **Reply #177 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:15:07 PM »

Quote from: Nwbi on October 25, 2009, 09:06:20 PM

Nah, I'd rather it to be ambiguous as to who threw the cat at me. :V

So I guess we're done for the time being.

Also, I've studied English for a few years, but have only used it (to talk, write, etc) for as long as what I said.

Spoiler:
Fun fact: I learned most of my English through some years of playing RPG's such as Pokemon.

You'd be amazed at the types of mistakes i've seen in papers and essays from college students. Especially students that have been using and studying English since elementary school. It's scary. :V

I've proofread some papers where it's so bad that i'm like "Yeah, i'm just going to correct the biggest glaring mistakes because I don't want to rewrite the whole paper.." Native English speaking college students too. ._.;

Shizumarashi Mayuzumi · « **Reply #178 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:18:47 PM »

Quote from: Tatara Konobu on October 25, 2009, 09:15:07 PM

I've proofread some papers where it's so bad that i'm like "Yeah, i'm just going to correct the biggest glaring mistakes because I don't want to rewrite the whole paper.." Native English speaking college students too. ._.;

Have some excerpts from my friend's class project partner's work! Supposedly, this girl is a native speaker.

Quote

Jose, would purposely forget, to clean the pool because he knew Mr. Wynter?s would only ask for him to finishing cleaning the pool either way, which would let Jose excuse himself from the party early, leaving Mackynize to be upset because to her parents eye the only way she ever has contact with him is when they are around letting Mackynize leave the party upset because she got to see Jose for just a small amount of time.

Quote

When, Jose notices no more movement from Mr. Wynter?s he leaves the house leaving Mr. Wynter?s to die.

Quote

The Wynter?s family was a very well respected family. Consisted of , two loving, caring, and supportive parents who wanted nothing but the best for their children as well as, two kids who did academically well and were respectful towards their parents.

Quote

Jose was told by Mr. Wynter?s that the only way he could continue to work for them is if he promised to never speak to Mackynize again, and focused on his responsibilities of keeping the pool sanitaria.

It's... painful.

Pesco · « **Reply #179 on:** October 25, 2009, 09:23:03 PM »

That's some curious grammar there...