Topic: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...  (Read 3176 times)

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[IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« on: November 26, 2010, 05:58:37 pm »
Well, here is my entry for the IM position. I'm still working on it as I can't write everything in one sitting. For all you Mokou fans, don't kill me yet. Only the prologue is done. Second part is done. Still got to fill 1.2k worth of words. Finally finished with 2,001 words.

The year is 2050. The moon rabbits have taken over all of Gensokyo, led by Kaguya. Darkness consumes Gensokyo as countless inhabitants are killed by the takeover. There have been revolts to stop this dictatorship but all have been crushed. The story now follows Mokou as she is currently being held hostage by the moon rabbits.

I wonder what is happening... My head feels so groggy. Why am I even here?

"Wake up, wake up, wake up..." An unknown voice echoed through Mokou's head as she started to open her eyes. "Huh...? Where am I?" Mokou looked around her surroundings. She saw herself in a dark room chained up to a chair with a dark figure overshadowing her presence. "Who are you?" she replied.

"My my... you honestly don't recognize me at all?" The figure stepped closer to the light where the single light bulb was dangling above them. Upon closer inspection, the dark figure seemed to have long black hair with brown eyes.

"It can't be.... Ka– Kaguya?" Kaguya grinned. She kicked Mokou in the chest causing the chair and Mokou to fall down. "Oh, it seemed the white-haired bitch isn't too dumb after all," laughed Kaguya as she mounted her right foot on Mokou's chest.

Before Kaguya was able to continue, a loud blast from the distance was heard. Mokou was able to see a horned figure approach. "Keine?" muttered Mokou. The horned figure prepared another shot from a launcher. "Who goes there? You... you will be punished!" Kaguya yelled, "Guards, seize that person!"

It was too late for Kaguya to do anything. Another shot was fired from the horned figure, this time being a smoke bomb. The room filled with white smoke. No one could see much. Mokou could vaguely see a figure approaching and speaking to her. "It's Keine. Let's get out of here. I'll explain everything later," whispered the horned figure. She used a laser device to remove the chains around Mokou. They rushed outside the building and into the darkness on a motorcycle.

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My name is Mokou Fuziwara. My past has been bleak with a life of solitude. I am a loner who requires no help from anyone. I never saw the reason to ever depend on anyone else but myself. Everyone just gets in my way. Yet, look at me. I am being whisked away from danger by Keine, my best friend. Goddamn that Kaguya... I'll get her the next time around and crush her for good and put an end to all this nonsense.

The two girls continued to ride on the motorcycle. As they continue, Mokou spotted an abundance of drones the shape of moon rabbits. Gensokyo looked like a desolate wasteland filled with burned down buildings and rubble everywhere. They both remained silent throughout the ride. After awhile, Keine stopped the motorcycle.

"Well this is it," she replied. They both stepped off the motorcycle. Mokou looked around, puzzled. "There is nothing here. Why did we stop?" The ground started to shake and suddenly opened itself to a underground passageway. Metal stairs led the way down the passageway.

"That's why." Keine responded. They both start walking down the passageway arriving at a large center filled with computers, wires, and circuitry. The only lights that were seen were the ones that emanated from the computer screens. There were other youkai working on different parts of the room.

"Welcome to Underground Fort Operations(U.F.O). This is the center for all underground business. Currently, we are trying to find a way to stop Kaguya and free Gensokyo from Kaguya's robotic moon rabbits. We have researchers and agents working on sectors to find more information and sabotage Kaguya's plan." Keine answered with confidence. At the end of the room was Nitori who seemed to be working on a large super computer. Keine walked down the room while Mokou followed.

"So how's the situation, Nitori? Did you find anything interesting?" Keine asked. "From our agents, we have found out that Kaguya is still in Eientei castle. She seems to be controlling the robotic moon rabbits with a remote by an analysis of radio waves that are being sent to the robotic moon rabbits that she control. If the remote is destroyed or disabled, I believe everything should go back to normal. Plans are in order for a siege in approximately a few hours. We just need someone or a pair to infiltrate Eientei fortress to stop her from using that remote." Mokou stepped closer and slammed her fists on the computer desk. "Then I'll stop her MYSELF!" Mokou exclaimed. "She's MY enemy and my responsibility."

I didn't know what got into me at that point. It seemed like this was my problem, no one else. I just thought if I could stop Kaguya myself, things might return to normal. Yet, I know that I might fail again if I go in alone.


Keine slapped Mokou's face. "Are you insane? Who cares if she is your enemy or not? This isn't just your battle. This is OUR battle. You aren't the only one that Kaguya has hurt through all of this. Think of the inhabitants of Gensokyo who had their homes destroyed and have been either killed or severely wounded. Look, Gensokyo has changed. Whether or not you like it, going out alone will be suicide. We have to work as a team."

Mokou ignored all of what Keine just said and took two of the machine guns lying on the table. She fastened them to her back . "Well I'm lea–" Keine punched Mokou before she finished the sentence. She pinned Mokou down on the floor preventing her from leaving. "Stop being so ignorant. Do you want to get destroyed by Kaguya again? There are robotic moon rabbits patrolling around Gensokyo and they won't give you any mercy. I hope you didn't forget about what just happened. What makes you think you can take her on alone? "

"Because..."

"Because what? You never think things through. All your plans fail because you don't take the time to think it through. You always just go in head first, Mokou, I care about your safety. You should know that I've been trying to watch over you ever since we've met and protected you ever since." Keine loosened her grip and started to cry. "I just... don't want to lose you. You've been my best friend for so long now, Mokou. I can't afford to have anybody else be killed by useless bloodshed."

Mokou wrapped her hands around Keine to comfort her. "Look Keine, I'm sorry. I'll promise not to go out there alone. It's going to be alright." Keine stopped crying and smiled at Mokou, relieved.

I never knew how much Keine cared for me. She's like a parent I never had, watching over me. Without her, I might still be in pain. Luckily, the boss decided to put me and Keine on the infiltration mission together even though I wasn't an official member of U.F.O yet. We were told to invade the fortress in Eientei and stop Kaguya in her tracks by any means necessary. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in this mission than with my best friend.

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From our intelligence, we were told that the fortress was split into three layers. There is the outer layer of the fortress which holds the security equipment and surveillance devices. The middle layer has all the robotic moon rabbits guarding the entrances. The last and innermost layer is supposed to be where Kaguya resides. I just hope we can make it out of there alive. We were given supplies needed to help us get to Kaguya quicker. But it doesn't matter, as long as I have Keine, we will succeed.

Mokou and Keine rode a motorcycle in order to arrive at Eientei fortress quickly. They were told to infiltrate the fortress first and after that, the attack by the rest of U.F.O would commence to act as a diversion. The fortress looked like a large prison cell. It was like a large gray box filled with barred windows. After they arrived there, they quickly took out some radio frequency bombs. The outer layer holding the security cameras and laser defense system were disabled due to the conflicting frequency of the radio bombs. Mokou and Keine rushed inside the fortress.

"Right now we should be at the middle layer of this place." Keine deduced. She took a peek from the wall they were hiding behind and saw two robotic moon rabbits blocking the door into the next room. Keine faced Mokou and said, "Look, here's the plan. I'm going to rush in and distract them. You shoot them in the tail with the machine guns you got. That's their weak spot because their radio signal receiver is located in that position. Got it?"

"Uhh Keine..."

"What?"

"Look behind you." A large robotic bunny holding a plasma axe was behind Keine. It raised it's axe and swung it at Keine. Mokou quickly stepped in and pushed her away from the swing. Diving behind the rabbit while it was still pulling its axe out of the ground, Mokou manage to snap a shot off and take out the tail-receiver. "Thanks, you saved me out there," said Keine. Unfortunately the two robotic moon rabbits guarding the door heard the noise and went to go investigate to see what was the noise to see both Keine and Mokou. The moon rabbits picked up their guns and started shooting. Keine ran to the left which distracted the rabbits and she avoided the bullets. Mokou ran to the right and landed right behind them, shooting their backs in the process. The two robotic moon rabbits stopped functioning. The two girls proceeded to open the door just to see Kaguya sitting on a throne in the back of the room.

"Well, this is a pleasant surprise. I didn't expect to see you two here. Oh wait, I did. Ohohohohohoho.... and here you two think you can defeat the great Kaguya, ruler of Gensokyo." Kaguya proceeded to pull out two guns. "You two have much to learn." She started shooting at the two as they have already pulled out their guns the second Kaguya started shooting.

It was raining bullets as each of them avoided the other person's shots. No one seemed to show signs of weakness. The battle continued. Danmaku rained upon the fortress but no one was shot. Days have passed by and they were all getting tired by the rigorous fighting. Neither side looked like it was going to give in. However, Keine accidentally tripped due to exhaustion causing one of the bullets to hit her right through the abdomen. Kaguya took this opportunity and rushed towards Keine, arm-locked her, and pointed the gun at her head.

"Game Over, Mokou. Unless you want Keine dead, drop your weapons." Mokou, in fear that Kaguya would shoot Keine, dropped her weapons. Kaguya grinned in delight.

"See Mokou, you don't have the upper advantage. And here I thought I was actually afraid you might pull something on me and become U.F.O's trump card. Why else would I lock you up? But it doesn't matter, you can never defeat me. I'll always be one step ahead of you in every way. It's a shame that it's going to end like this, my foe." Kaguya laughed maniacally as she held the gun at Keine's head. While Kaguya was bantering, Keine slowly pulled out a trigger from her shirt pocket with her teeth.

"I... wouldn't... get... so... cocky... yet, Kaguya," muttered Keine. Keine proceeded to push the trigger button by smashing the button with her teeth causing a massive explosion to come from her body as she had bombs all over her combat vested body already. Kaguya suffered brutal wounds all over herself. Keine had suffered fatal injuries and there was blood coming out from all over her body. Shocked, Mokou rushed to Keine to check if she was fine.

"Keine, are you there? Speak to me," yelled Mokou. Nevertheless, Keine didn't give a response. Her pulse was gone meaning she was most likely dead. Mokou cried as tears poured from her eyes down her cheeks to Keine's face.

"No... this can't be true. It just can't. After all we have gone through, why does it have to end like this. Keine... you can't be dead, you just can't." Mokou placed her hands on Keine's lifeless cheeks and then placed her body on Mokou's back.

Mokou looked back at the wounded Kaguya. She then dug through Kaguya's pocket to find that the remote had already been destroyed by the explosion. She then placed handcuffs, made of indestructible steel, on Kaguya's hands and called for backup to haul her to the U.F.O prison.

Mokou walked outside and saw many youkai and U.F.O members rejoicing as they saw the robotic moon rabbits lifeless and the normal moon rabbits running away due to the captivity of their precious leader. She couldn't help think if the sacrifice of a friend was well worth it. Nevertheless, she and the other U.F.O members returned back to their base.

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1 Year Later...

It's the anniversary of Keine's death. As I stand over my friend's grave, I can't help but think that maybe it would be better if I died instead of her. This guilt I feel is so agonizing. Even after a year, I still feel like the whole thing is my fault. Maybe if I did something to protect Keine, she might still be alive.

Mokou stood over Keine's grave as tears fell like raindrops from a storm. She felt a tap from her shoulder and turned around. It's Nitori. "Do you need a tissue?" She asked. Nitori took out a tissue and wiped it all over Mokou's tears. "Thanks. I don't know though. There is a part of me that still says Keine's death was my fault but how was I supp-" Nitori hushed Mokou by placing her finger on her lips.

"Look, don't blame yourself. No one would have expected that to happen. It just... happened. Look, I know I'm not the best person to explain this but I bet that the last thing Keine would want is for her best friend to be making a big fuss over this." Nitori gave out a large sigh. "The other guys from U.F.O and I are going to head back. Take your time as long as you need."

Nitori starting walking back but turned around after a few steps. "Oh, and I'm sure wherever Keine is, she's probably very proud with you of everything you accomplished." And with that, Nitori left Mokou in order to head back.

"Very proud ehh," whispered Mokou as she pondered those last words of Nitori. She then took out a picture from her pocket that contained both Mokou and Keine having fun in the grass and placed it on the tombstone. "Well my friend, wherever you are, I wish you are having a good time right now."

Mokou started walking down dirt path back to the base where she saw a silhouette of a horned figure in the distance. "No, it can't be." Mokou starts rushing towards the silhouette with great speed in high hopes that maybe, it's someone she recognized.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2010, 12:43:43 am by Bitmap »

Janitor Morgan

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2010, 08:38:39 pm »
This has already got me wondering where the story's going to go. :3

About the only gripe I have is with a couple of minor errors (Kaguya stepped on her own chest?), but other than that, it looks good so far.
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2010, 08:50:35 pm »
This has already got me wondering where the story's going to go. :3

About the only gripe I have is with a couple of minor errors (Kaguya stepped on her own chest?), but other than that, it looks good so far.

You see, my grammar isn't that great as it should be. Thanks for pointing it out. It's supposed to be that Kaguya stepped on Mokou's chest. Can you tell me if I have any other grammatical errors?

Edit: Fixed the Kaguya stepping on herself.

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2010, 08:55:44 pm »
The only other thing I see is that "I'll explain everything later" needs to have a comma at the end, since it doesn't have any punctuation there now. It's grammatically fine otherwise.
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2010, 09:00:03 pm »
The only other thing I see is that "I'll explain everything later" needs to have a comma at the end, since it doesn't have any punctuation there now. It's grammatically fine otherwise.

Thanks. I'll have the whole story done by tonight. If it turns out to be any good, I might continue on with the story after the IM competition.

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2010, 09:16:19 pm »
You're on to something there.

Just some things I'd like to note, as a reader(because I'm obviously not a writer):
First, you're jumping lines too much, making your story look like a giant wall of text with much less content than size. Ease up on that enter key :]
Also, it feels too dry, too rushed. "They did then and then they went there and done that. It caused this." Take your time a bit more to explain the scenery, the events in more detail, the characters.
Also pay attention to the verbal tense.
"Well this is it," she replied. They both step off the motorcycle. Mokou looked
You started using the past tense, stick to it till the end. Otherwise you break the flow and the timeline gets messy in the reader's mind.
I think that's about it. The premise you're using has a hell lot of potential, I wonder how you'll use it. :3
[20:45:19] Ciryano: come and behold why they call it the Panzerfaust
[20:45:39] Hakurei Reimu: ... because it shoots once and then you throw it out?
                                                                                   .
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2010, 01:23:44 am »
You're on to something there.

Just some things I'd like to note, as a reader(because I'm obviously not a writer):
First, you're jumping lines too much, making your story look like a giant wall of text with much less content than size. Ease up on that enter key :]
Also, it feels too dry, too rushed. "They did then and then they went there and done that. It caused this." Take your time a bit more to explain the scenery, the events in more detail, the characters.
Also pay attention to the verbal tense. You started using the past tense, stick to it till the end. Otherwise you break the flow and the timeline gets messy in the reader's mind.
I think that's about it. The premise you're using has a hell lot of potential, I wonder how you'll use it. :3

Thanks. It's my first time actually writing a story so I guess it's really new to me. I'm glad the premise is good because that was one of my worries in my writing. I'll definitely bunch the lines together a bit more. I plan to make everything past tense. Thanks for pointing that out. It's a common mistake I make in most of my narrative writing. I'm going to write the last part tonight. I already got the last part in my head and I'm sure you'll enjoy it dearly.
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2010, 08:06:19 am »
Alright, story done. Can anyone help me look for errors in my writing for me?

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2010, 06:15:52 pm »
The "Are you absurd?!" line should be "Are you insane?!" I'm guessing. You should probably remove the "so longingly" from the last line as well.
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2010, 06:35:14 pm »
The "Are you absurd?!" line should be "Are you insane?!" I'm guessing. You should probably remove the "so longingly" from the last line as well.

Thanks. If I do remove those two words, I have to find some way to make up the 2 words or I fall below the word count of 2k. Meh, I'll just add a line to some place describing something... or something like that.

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2010, 02:52:54 am »
Well, I'm not sure what to say to this. I'm not sure what the IM position is, so it's hard for me to know if my thoughts are valid, or if there is supposed to be a theme. I'm also not clear on what the challenge is.

However, onto the plot:

Basically, the plot is good. Kaguya takes over Gensokyo, Mokou sneaks in, stops Kaguya. You throw in a death of a best friend to make it darker. Truthfully, Mokou the rebel versus Kaguya the general is a very natural fit. I happen to be a huge Mokou fan, since I find Mokou to be one of if not the most interesting character in the cast.

"something doesn't seem right. Kaguya wouldn't go this far to kill me. She knows I'm immortal but she seemed intent of ending my life. I wonder what is going on..."

What's the follow through? Kaguya seems to have controlled Gensokyo for a while (though timeframe is tough to gauge here) so I don't see what makes this situation different from all the other ones in which she and Mokou fought to the death.

Second, about the remote that kills all the bunnies and the weakness to attacks from the back: Both weaknesses are a bit cliche, and there isn't much explanation for why. Why are the bunnies weak from the back? Why do they all fall apart if you break the remote? Why is Kaguya confronting the heroes directly at every possible opportunity while holding the achilles heel of her entire army literally in the palm of her hand?

"robotic moon rabbits" - It's dangerously close to "Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot" Syndrom: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NinjaPirateZombieRobot

I'm a little surprised by the format of the mission. I expected either a team or a solo mission if it was recon, but not a pair. Especially since Keine already came face to face with Kaguya during a solo mission, and went for her absolutely immortal friend instead of the remote that could end the war.

"Mokou looked back at the wounded Kaguya and the broken remote that had been controlling the robotic moon rabbits this whole time. She decided to leave Kaguya alone since she could easily recover from those wounds and was also immortal."

This is actually a very good reason to absolutely not leave Kaguya alone, since Kaguya has managed to take over Gensokyo. She will inevitably get up to fight again if you leave her alone.

But the biggest issue is the tempo. The story feels like a five-part epic battle for the fate of Gensokyo, but is compressed down to 2000 words. It feels like a big battle for the fate of Gensokyo between U.F.O. and Eientei is missing.
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2010, 03:28:14 am »
Now this is what I wanted to hear.

Well, I'm not sure what to say to this. I'm not sure what the IM position is, so it's hard for me to know if my thoughts are valid, or if there is supposed to be a theme. I'm also not clear on what the challenge is.

IM = Idiot Maiden
Moerin and I are supposed to write a story using the prompt of either NetHack Gensokyo or Cyberpunk Gensokyo. The prize is IM. I chose Cyberpunk Gensokyo.


However, onto the plot:

Basically, the plot is good. Kaguya takes over Gensokyo, Mokou sneaks in, stops Kaguya. You throw in a death of a best friend to make it darker. Truthfully, Mokou the rebel versus Kaguya the general is a very natural fit. I happen to be a huge Mokou fan, since I find Mokou to be one of if not the most interesting character in the cast.

Thank you. You see, I was afraid if the whole rivalry between Mokou and Kaguya would be boring or cliche to place in a story like this. I, too, am a Mokou fan as well.


"something doesn't seem right. Kaguya wouldn't go this far to kill me. She knows I'm immortal but she seemed intent of ending my life. I wonder what is going on..."

What's the follow through? Kaguya seems to have controlled Gensokyo for a while (though timeframe is tough to gauge here) so I don't see what makes this situation different from all the other ones in which she and Mokou fought to the death.

Whenever the two fought each other in the past, they both knew that it would always end in a stalemate because both of them were immortal. However, Kaguya wanted to try to lock up Mokou because Kaguya feared that Mokou would stop Kaguya's plan of dominating Gensokyo. I guess I should make it more clear.

Second, about the remote that kills all the bunnies and the weakness to attacks from the back: Both weaknesses are a bit cliche, and there isn't much explanation for why. Why are the bunnies weak from the back? Why do they all fall apart if you break the remote? Why is Kaguya confronting the heroes directly at every possible opportunity while holding the achilles heel of her entire army literally in the palm of her hand?

Your right. The weakness is cliche. I'm going to change it to the tail and explain that it's where the motherboard of the bunnies is stored. And have you ever watched cartoons on television where the evil villain always revealed their plan to the heroes? I guess I instinctively did that on accident. It doesn't flow well as a story. I'll change that as well.

I'm a little surprised by the format of the mission. I expected either a team or a solo mission if it was recon, but not a pair. Especially since Keine already came face to face with Kaguya during a solo mission, and went for her absolutely immortal friend instead of the remote that could end the war.

Keine didn't know about the remote that Kaguya had. She only knew about it after she received the intel from Nitori after they visited the underground base. And even if she did know, she was most likely not prepared because she knew she had to also rescue Mokou.


"Mokou looked back at the wounded Kaguya and the broken remote that had been controlling the robotic moon rabbits this whole time. She decided to leave Kaguya alone since she could easily recover from those wounds and was also immortal."

This is actually a very good reason to absolutely not leave Kaguya alone, since Kaguya has managed to take over Gensokyo. She will inevitably get up to fight again if you leave her alone.

You're right. I'll probably make Mokou throw her in an endless pit/portal some how.

But the biggest issue is the tempo. The story feels like a five-part epic battle for the fate of Gensokyo, but is compressed down to 2000 words. It feels like a big battle for the fate of Gensokyo between U.F.O. and Eientei is missing.

Hmmm, I'll add something in to hopefully slow down the tempo or add a bit more explaining about the big battle and how they laid siege on the fortress while Mokou and Keine infiltrated the insides. Yeah... that isn't a bad idea at all.

"robotic moon rabbits" - It's dangerously close to "Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot" Syndrom: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NinjaPirateZombieRobot

It's alright to get inspiration from other ideas for the most part even though I never heard of "Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot".

Anyways, thanks for the feedback again. I'll try to revise this tonight or tomorrow afternoon.

Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2010, 12:43:01 am »
Thanks to all who helped me, for now I am officially done.

Edit: I would still like some revisions if anyone would be willing to help me more. I thought the contest ended today.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2010, 04:07:16 am by Bitmap »

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Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2010, 05:21:37 am »
Rather than continue editing, I think you should add to the ending. You've got the extra time now, so go ahead and give it something stellar~
Re: [IM Challenge] When the moon took over...
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2010, 05:39:39 am »
Rather than continue editing, I think you should add to the ending. You've got the extra time now, so go ahead and give it something stellar~

I'm worried that the spelling, punctuation, and grammar is horrible for the most part since that isn't exactly my forte. I'll add a little epilogue to wrap things up.
 

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