| ~Beyond the Border~ > Mystia's Stored Games |
| MotK Mafioso Mafia! Over |
| << < (129/129) |
| Kilgamayan:
How would you have done it for that case, then? |
| Kefit:
I would have cleaned it up stylistically. What you wrote is a strange mix of short, pithy sentences and long jumbled sentences. These need to be fleshed out and pruned for clarity, respectively. Make use of transitions to explicitly indicate that one point is leading into another. It is imperative that a persuasive piece read naturally; otherwise it will tire the reader, souring the audience towards your case. Ideally, the presentation of a case should employ a narrative that smoothly carries the reader from beginning to end. At any given point in the case I should have some idea of how a given piece of evidence ties into the story that you are telling. Reading the post again, I suspect that it was largely written as a stream of consciousness as you reread the thread, which resulted in key implications not being fully explained. One important element of a persuasive legal document is that it always explains the implications that it brings up, because you can't count on your audience to make the connections themselves. In this case, I doubt that everyone agrees on, or is even aware of, every single scum tell that you may have seen in the scummy behavior that you pointed out. The overall structure of the post - specifically, dealing with multiple cases - is more difficult to handle. Normally I'd just say to pick your best case and go with it. Learned appellate judges beg lawyers to limit the issues they raise to those that are truly important to the case at hand. However, I realize now that this was a unique case. You were a ghost, and did not know when you would disappear. It makes sense that you would want to get all your cases out there. I think, if I had been in your shoes, I might have separated each case into a different post. Or maybe I would have saved the weaker cases for a post made later on in the day, prior to the hammer. However, I will back away from this point, because I forgot about your ghost status at the time when I made the initial criticism. |
| Kilgamayan:
Actually, I think this stems into something else that the ghost status was irrelevant for. I believe that one should present all their information as they get it, partially because the earlier it comes, the more time people have to look at it, and partially because it can avoid parroting accusations. In this case, it probably would have been better to put the Serela case on top and then use my triple-dash dividers to indicate "Other Less Important Cases That Should Nonetheless Be Looked At". I tend to present multiple cases in a single post regardless of my life status, because I'm a firm believer in giving town the most time to form the most informed opinions. |
| FinnKaenbyou:
Linking here, in case anyone playing doesn't look through CPMC. |
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