Tell Me Why I Should Remain Your Head Admin

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helvetica:
Things have happened and things have changed. I don't know if it'll ever go back to how it was, or if I even want it to. When April 1st rolled around I was just expecting a little humor, maybe a little overreaction, then some gratitude and things back to normal. What instead I got was a view of how MotK really feels towards the idea of "community", how the users feel about the staff, and how users felt about eachother. What I saw broke me in ways you can hardly imagine.

I've poured my soul, my finances, my freetime, everything, into saving MotK from ruin and attempting to build it up as a community I could be proud of being in. I didn't take this position on for fame, or to feed a need to have power, or anything like that. I took the position because at the time the community was teetering on collapse and I had the resources to give back to something I loved. But in the end I feel I've failed as stewart and as head admin of this community.

I feel I failed as an admin to keep the two facets of this community, MotK the forums, and #shrinemaiden its IRC sister, together as one whole. Originally my home was IRC and I joined the community that way, and frankly I spent too much of my energy catering to them at first. I let the forums decay because frankly I felt I had no reason to care; all of the people I socialized with were on IRC. After seeing how far the forums fell I made a promise to not neglect the forums again, and attempt to rebridge the gap. To treat all of MotK as equal, not just the part I like interacting in. But April Fools proved I failed just as miserably.

At first I thought it was kind of funny how much you guys were overreacting. We sold ourselves well, maybe too well, but in the end we thought it was just a harmless tease with a good result in the end. What I personally didn't expect, was the amount of vitriol to surface. After a while it became more and more apparent this wasn't just posturing and off the cuff remarks, but sentiment that has been brewing for a while now. Sentiment I definitely feel I didn't deserve.

AF, you said horrible, vile, untrue things about me. Things I cannot easily forgive, and may never. I will fully admit I called for your head several times, but in the end I decided to let you go. I would be just as bad of a person as you are if I chose to abuse my position for personal vendetta.

As for the rest of the people who chose such awful words for me, I cannot describe how much you hurt me. I have done everything I could to not be this "power hungry tyrant" people seem to think I am. I spend most of my freetime working for this site, and in the end you guys. Hell even after I said I was gone I have secretly been working behind the scenes making sure things work. And yet I don't get anything as much as a thank you.

Now I will clarify myself. I don't do this for gratitude, but to get nothing but bitching and moaning and complaints over everything I do gets old. Even despite the brand new theme and months of work I spent working on the upgrade all I got was a "this was a terrible joke go kill yourself". When I offered to move #meido to PPIrC, I didn't do it because I wanted to control #meido. No, I did it because I spent a long time building a stable IRC home for MotK and providing all the bells and whistles. To be brushed off as "seizing power" hurt me immensely.

But above all, none of you had the decency to lay your grievances to me personally, instead choosing to whisper behind closed doors and behind my back. I do not demand, nor expect, respect because of my position, nor do I want it solely because of that. I do not want to be feared or worshipped, just treated with decency. If I have a problem with you I will bring it up with you privately, not whisper nasty things to other people.

You set me on a pedestal all alone with your actions. You act as if I am some scary untouchable person, someone who will smite you for looking at me funny. You know how alone that makes me feel? How isolated and detatched from the community I desperately want to be a part of? Noone even says hi to me unless I start the conversation, noone talks to me unless there's something broke. And to hear I make you "censor" yourselves when I am around, makes me feel awful. What's the point of working for the community when you just get shunned and separated in the end? =/

Kanako, UK, and others I put on my "hate list" (except UD and Mima, go fuck yourselves), I was just joking. I apologize for any grief I caused. I purposely intersparsed people I liked in the list to try to make it obvious it was a ploy. Nemoma, I know I've already apologized in private, but I'd like to repeat myself openly. As for everyone else, I admit I was a bit overzealous with the joke, and given the chance I'd probably not make it so believable.

But at the same time you guys need to lighten up immensely. I tried to make it absurd and obvious it was a joke, and to see so many people fall for it and then be angry about it afterwards made me really depressed. So what we had a little humor at your expense, was it really that awful to be without a forum for a day (and then to get back a shinier upgraded one)? Get off your high horse for a second and calm down. Maybe the joke was in poor taste, but the responses after it was revealed it was all a ruse were far worse.

Is that what you really see me capable of doing? You truely think I would ever do something like that? For what I do here I should be making a lot of money, but I don't do it for that. Nor do I do it for fame or ego or anything really beyond giving back. Realize I'm a human being, and a member of this community just like you. Ask yourselves these things next time before you fly off the handle and say things that are very hurtful =/

Tell me why should I remain (or not remain) your head admin. Here's your chance to really tell me if you want me to stay or go. If you don't want to openly voice your opinion, then feel free to PM it to me. But do not just cower in a corner and whisper behind my back because it is pointless and insulting.

Nat Tea:
You're the one that made MotK how it is today, you made change.

My selfishness would tell you to stay, but my true feelings would say to do what makes you feel happier.

I still don't know what to say, I'm not good with people and I've always made decisions for everyone else.

I just don't know.

Furienify:
I've only known you for a brief while, TSO, but I've honestly had no problems with your adminship here. Though I haven't been around long enough for most IRC drama, #meido appears to despise me too, so at least you don't have to be alone for that one.

For the pedestal: honestly, I don't find you unapproachable at all. I'm not sure why anyone would, you were far less intimidating than any of the other mods/admins back when I first joined.

At the same time, it's been very clear to me from the start that this issue has been taxing for you. I can see why. With that in mind, I want to say (and please let me justify this): I wouldn't have been surprised if MotK had actually been taken down on April 1st. You seriously seemed like you could have been pushed to the edge.

I gathered this just from two interactions/observations of you: first, way back when, there was that CPMC drama thread that Letty started. I was actually going back to read it today (unsure why, but it was in the archives) and I noticed all the signs that I missed that you were, definitely, very pissed off. I couldn't blame you. The signs were so obvious, too, but I had no idea what was going on at the time. Retrospect is 20/20 I guess. The second was just from an IRC conversation where you slipped some things in passing.

So with this in mind- all the bad things people may say about you, the cold way people treat you, all of it- I wouldn't have been surprised if you pulled the plug. Not because I think you're evil or terrible or anything. It's for the very reason you said- you're a human being. I could honestly see myself getting pissed off and just dropping it when things got as bad as they sometimes did for you. Shit happens. Sometimes a lot of shit happens.

Regardless of all this, I really would welcome you back. Not just to get the dating game off Ruro, either. Compared many of the other mods, you're very much more human and approachable (this is just personal opinion!). You've worked your ass off for this place, too, and I really appreciate that. My small danmakufu entry in the recent contest is a result of that. I seriously could care less that you're unpopular: so long as you know that some of us here appreciate you and we don't have to have conflicts like this anymore, everything's peachy.

ES-Anthy:
To be honest, It really isn't right if the person who made all of this just ended up handing the torch to someone else. I never really took a position when the 4/1/10 or 1/4/10 incident came around, I just ended up being one of those people who just never really said anything about this.

I do support you remaining the head admin, for the fact that you made all of this. If you choose to pass it on yourself, that's your decision and honestly I'll support either way.

Sorry if my post is rather odd, I'm not good with conflict or people either.

With one last thing, I think the reason why so many people went into a shitstorm about it was because the lot of us don't know the term of overkill. :V

trancehime:
You know what? During the entire fiasco, I was willing to turn everyone against me to try and justify that you didn't deserve any of this. I didn't, because in the end, I thought people were smart enough to resolve things on their own, and I already knew that that was a joke anyways. I think what I have said alone will suffice that I pretty much believe that you should stick around, people being ungrateful, unsufferable fucktards will never change. It's painful, I realize this - I've seen how much you've suffered, TSO, ever since I joined motk and #sm those years ago. There was a precedent for that style of joke, people found it very distasteful - can't say I blame them, sadly - but still, what really disgusts me is that even AFTER it was revealed to be a joke, people couldn't be relieved about their shit being saved and then taking it like a good sport. They had to be insufferable assholes about it. You could do nothing, so I don't see why you should have to feel remorse or sadness about that.

I reitterate, people being insufferable asses will never change. Afterwards, it seems many people want you back. It is of your own volition whether you want to turn away or not, but I'm thinking that many people here will still want you back.

Honestly, in making this thread, you're probably going to cause a lot of the virulence that died down to suddenly spring up again, but that's probably because... Of other things. Anyway, be prepared.

I'm not going to be one to impose what you should do. As I've always told you, just do what you believe is best for yourself.

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