Topic: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years  (Read 5464 times)

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nintendonut888

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Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« on: February 16, 2010, 06:42:37 am »
Behold what happens when I am asked to write comedy. Happy birthday Ruro, I hope you enjoy. o/

Chapter 1

The Highest Judge of Paradise, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, was dead tired - and that is not meant to be a pun on her role. Her role as the yama who decides who goes to heaven and to hell is a very serious job, as she'll be quick to remind you. To make light of her role would be to make light of death, so to give proper respect to her great and noble position, let's start this anew.

The Highest Judge of Paradise, Lady Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, was completely exhausted from a hard day's work of sentencing souls to eternal torment. It was no easy task to discern whether or not a soul was worthy or ascending to heaven, and after another long day (not that there was any sense of time where she lived), the yama just wanted to relax.

"Oh, what a day!" the yama said to no one in particular as she walked into her house. "That last sinner's list of sins was so long I actually had to take a breath! I'm the yama, I've seen countless horrors, the most sinful people ever to exist, knowing in detail events that would drive a mortal mad, but my god, I haven't even heard of half those fetishes!" She sighed in disgust. With a graceful movement, Shiki took off her intricate hat and put it on her hat hanger. She walked a few steps, paused for a second or so, went back and put her hat back on. "Why do I even have that thing?"

"Ooh, being the judge of death is such hard work! Why do they all have to be born with such sin?" Shikieiki wished everyone would just drink that stupid hourai elixir so she wouldn't have to deal with them. With a sigh, Shiki sat down in her LA-Z-GURL recliner and relaxed. At least now she can finally have some peace...

"SHIKI-SAMA!"

Shikieiki jumped about a foot high. It was her again; Shiki's shinigami, Komachi Onozuka. A real slacker, hardly befitting the responsibility of someone of her position.

Shiki cleared her throat to regain her composure. "Komachi, what brings you to intrude on my quiet time! You know how I feel when you interrupt my quiet time."

Komachi winced instinctively, remembering many an unpleasant encounter with a yama-stick, but continued. "Shiki-sama, it's terrible! There's a you in the courtroom!"

The judge, her arms reared back for a stick-on-shinigami collision, paused mid-strike. She blinked a few times. "Excuse me?"

"There's a you in the courtroom!"

"I heard that, what do you mean? While we're eternally young Komachi."

"A you! In the courtroom! Someone is posing as you and sentencing people without a proper trial! I knew it could not be you, because she is immediately passing sentences. You gotta do something!"

Shikieiki was taken aback. "W-what?! How DARE someone do such a thing! I have to fix this immediately, because if they think that I am so rash...M-my image! Nooooooo!" All acts of regalness gone, the midget judge ran out of her house and back to the courtroom, Komachi trailing her.

---

"GUILTY!"

The spirit shook with terror. They were so certain that their long life of running an orphanage and rescuing kittens would have guaranteed them an eternal afterlife in Heaven, but the supposed judge sentenced them without a thought. The soon to be damned spirit burst into tears as they were carried away into hell.

"Bring in the next deceased."

Another formless spirit was dragged in to the courtroom, and set into the defendant's chair. The spirit shook from the ominousness. To be before the judge of the dead herself, she blanked her mind to appear as pure as possible.

The judge leaned in close from her high podium, staring intently at the spirit. Nearly ten seconds of this piercing gaze passed before...

"GUILTY!"

Quite reasonably, the deceased spirit started to protest, but the bailiffs grabbed her incorporeal form with their special power to break logic, and started to drag her off when -

"HOLD. WHO DARES OPERATE WITHOUT MY CONSENT?

The booming yet ladylike voice froze everyone in their tracks. The court doors were thrust open in a dramatic manner. The bailiffs were shocked to see another Shikieiki at the entrance. This yama, looking significantly more pissed than the one they were currently serving, marched past them and up to the judge's seat to unmask her doppelganger. In the confusion, the just-sentenced spirit took the opportunity to flee the room.

"Who could be crafty enough to impersonate me," Shikieiki wondered. Could it be a malevolent spirit? A truant shinigami able to mask her appearance? Whoever she was, she must be congratulated on coming this far, as deep as a sin this was. Reaching the judge's seat, she spun her personal spinning chair (hey, gotta condemn in comfort) around to reveal the doppelganger. Shikieiki gasped as she processed the identity of the evildoer.

"W...what in hell's name IS this?" Shikieiki looked at the one standing in her seat, who stared with unnaturally round eyes back at her. In clothing, the being was completely identical to herself, overdecorated hat and all. She also had the same hair color and length. Other than that though, the two looked very little alike. For one, this creature's face did not resemble hers at all. Shikieiki's perfect features were malformed on this creature; it had wide, round eyes with tiny pupils, puffy cheeks, and its entire body looked extremely...squishy. It was also only a foot tall on top of that.

Towering over the fake Shiki, Shikieiki crossed her arms and said in a strong voice "You who would mock the highest judge of paradise, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, what is your explanation for your actions? What is your true identity?"

The mini-Shiki said nothing and continued to stare up at the real Shiki. A minute passed with a deathly silence around the room, neither Shiki nor mini-Shiki budging.

Losing her patience a bit, Shikieiki tried repeating herself: "I SAID, who are-"

"CONTEMPT OF COURT!"

The yama grabbed her ears in pain at the loud shriek. This creature's voice was like that of an infant. And did she really just accuse HER of contempt of court...?

Grabbing her by the shirt collar, Shiki yanked up the chibi-judge and turned her attention instead to the occupants of the room. "Good and just members of the court, how the FUCK did you mix me up with this...this thing?!" She shook the small judge, who was visibly squirming and mumbling something about miscarriages and justice, though not in the same sentence.

The bailiffs looked at each other nervously. One of them spoke up. "W-well your honor, she bears the same clothes as you, and she IS quite nois-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

The bailiff shut up at once, opting instead to genuflect in terror.

The other bailiff found his voice and continued, "This beast is, erm, rather short, and she was...um...convincing?"

Shikieiki was stunned. "T-this thing...am I really viewed as such that I can be confused with a malformed puffball?"

The two bailiffs looked at each other again, turned to Shikieiki, and solemnly nodded their heads.

As hard-boiled as Shikieiki was, even she had her limit. It started with a small quivering of the lip, then extended to her head, which began visibly shaking. Her grip on the small her loosened and it fell to the floor, crying. A tear formed in her normally somber eyes. Then another formed, until suddenly the yama was wailing like the creature she just dropped onto the ground. Unable to show herself in this state any longer, Shiki fled the room sobbing. She made a beeline to her happy place; the circle of hell meant for gluttons, where unknown to the unfortunate inhabitants, there actually did exist a food table to fulfill gluttonous urges. Shikieiki binged long into the night...
« Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 02:47:46 am by nintendonut888 »
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

nintendonut888

  • So those that live now, pledge on your fists and souls
  • Leave a sign of your life, no matter how small...
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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2010, 06:44:40 am »
Chapter 2

The Ultimate Judge of Death and Bulemia, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, awoke in her house late next morning, groggy and bloated. Somehow after her binge last night she made it back home and collapsed onto her couch.

Shiki groaned. She had really gone overboard last night, didn't she? The words of her bailiffs still stung her; was she really so high-strung? And what was that bizarre thing impersonating her? No matter, the fact is that her honor as yama was saved. She'll just have to work twice as hard today to make up for her shameful outburst yesterday. Feeling content, Shikieiki stretched and slowly got to her feet, and went off to fetch the morning newspaper.

Shiki opened the door to her front porch where her newspaper was no doubt awaiting her. She was about to walk to pick it up, when something caught her eye. She peered down to see...that thing. It gazed up at her with those perpetually wide eyes, seemingly waiting for the real yama to do something. Yet Shikieiki did nothing but look at the mini-her, occasionally blinking. All of a sudden repressing the memory that she had ever subscribed to a newspaper, she slammed and locked the door without a word.

---

"Do you like waffles~? Yeah we like waffles~!"

Shikieiki sang a most peculiar song as she fixed her breakfast waffles.

"Do you like pancakes~? Yeah we like pancakes~!"

Shiki was aware her pitch was horribly off, but who cares when you're all alone? Shiki flipped the waffles on a plate.

"Do you like french toast~? Yeah we like french toast~!"

Pouring delicious syrup onto her waffles, Shikieiki was ready for a delicious meal.

"do do do do doot just cant wait to get enough-"

"DISTURBANCE OF THE PEACE!"

Shikieiki leapt at least a foot in the air. Some part of her brain was telling her that if she didn't look it would not be real, but the dumber part of her brain had to know. Shiki slowly looked down over her shoulder, the sight of a mini-her plugging her ears and piercing her with those eyes caused her jaw to slowly drop.

"U-uh..."

She heard...SHE HEARD ME SING!

Shiki, forgetting everything else, screamed and ran into her living room, slamming the door and barring it with her guest chair.

"M-maybe I should just relax and read that newspaper out there...yeah..."

Shiki tip-toed out the door, looking in all directions to make sure she wasn't being tailed. Seeing the coast was clear, she dashed out, snatched up the newspaper, and ran inside, locking the door again.

---

"Aah, now I can finally relax."

Shikieiki smirked in satisfaction. That blob can't get into the living room from any door that it has access to. The front door is locked, the kitchen is blocked, now she can finally read her daily copy of the Hell Helion.

And so she began to read all the events of Gensokyo: Reimu Hakurei of the Hakurei shrine (a subsidiary of Hakure inc.) still has yet to figure out who the deity of her shrine actually is; The Scarlet Devil Mansion is having yet ANOTHER party; one of the yama goes batshit (Shiki cringed); the Temple of Myouren is having a fund raiser...

"Eki-sama, don't you know it's rude to stare?"

Another step closer to going into cardiac arrest, Shikieiki looked at Komachi, who was standing next to her.

"Komachi! How in god's name did you get in here? And what authority do YOU have to call me rude?"

Komachi said in a matter-of-fact voice: "I came in with Eki-sama, I wasn't talking about you."

The good judge squinted her eyes. "E-ki-sama...?"

"Well, I had to call her something!"

"Her- oh god..."

Already knowing what awaited her, Shiki lowered her newspaper to see a wide-eyed her staring at her, her mouth stained with syrup. The poor yama felt another tear coming to her eye.

"Wait wait, how did...um..."Eki-sama" get in?"

Komachi tilted her head in confusion. "From the kitchen of course."

"Wha-?"

Shiki looked at the kitchen door, which was still barred. Then back at Komachi. Then back at Eki-sama. Unable to contain herself any longer, Shiki screamed and went to grab her yama stick to do some clubbing.

"Shiki-sama, don't bother. I have your yama stick right here."

The surprises weren't good on Shikieiki's poor heart. Sure enough, her yama-stick was not on its stand. She marched back to Komachi and held out her hand in a "gimme-my-stick-or-we'll-see-whether-shinigami-can-die" gesture. Nonetheless, Komachi refused to hand it over.

"Shiki-sama, you are now on vacation by order of the other yamas."

Shiki continued reaching for her precious yama stick, and Komachi, being tall/more than four feet, held it above her head as the midget yama continued to hop up at it.

Komachi's face grew stern. "Shiki. Everyone is worried about you. You haven't taken a vacation in over 400 years, we're all worried you're going to go, well...mad."

Shikieiki stopped hopping and froze. Go mad? Her? Shikieiki Yamaxanadu? Never! Just because she went a little nuts yesterday, and went on an eating binge...and kicked a few puppies to cool down...

Shiki slowly sank into her chair. "My god, I am going to go insane at this rate."

Komachi nodded. "I'm glad you see your problem. Don't worry, we all just want you to take it easy for a week."

"Take it easy!"

Shikieiki glared at Eki-sama, who felt the need to agree with Komachi at the oddest time.

"And what of this thing? What IS it?"

Komachi petted Eki-sama, "Little Eki-sama? She's a yukkuri. They've appeared around Gensokyo the last few years. Nobody knows where they come from, and they all bear the likeness of certain people. I guess you're just lucky."

LUCKY?!

"B-but why is it here? Why can't it go judge things somewhere else?"

Komachi replied, "Well, it seems only right that the yukkuri bearing your likeness should live with you. I asked Eki-sama if she'd like this, and she agreed." Komachi knelt down and stroked Eki-sama's cheek like a mother would their child. "Isn't that right Eki-sama? Aren't you okay with living with Shiki-sama?"

"Thou may~!"

Shikieiki held her head and shrunk into her chair. A whole week without work? What would she do? It's been so long since she hasn't been working she doesn't know what to do.

"I...Komachi, what am I going to do? Do you all just expect me to sit here and judge people's souls off the job? I really could get more done if I were actually judging in court."

The shinigami stared at her frazzled friend for a moment, then burst out laughing. "Oh Shiki, that's adorable. You aren't supposed to be judging when you're on vacation! You're supposed to go somewhere! Have fun!

"Fun...?" Shikieiki mulled over the word. What did that mean again...?

Komachi thumbed through Shiki's half-read newspaper. "Hmm...Ah, here we go!" Komachi pointed at an article and read it aloud: "Fund raiser at the Temple of Myouren! A manzai starring the famous comedy duo professors Yumemi Okazaki and Chiyuri Kitashirasawa. Be there or be Mystic Square."

Shikieiki's face flushed. "Yumemi...I haven't seen her in a while."

Komachi giggled, remembering their history. "Exactly! Don't you owe it to your old friend to see her performance? C'mon! It's for charity!"

Shikieiki stood up and cleared her throat. "Even if it is her, it is wrong to charge money for such a selfish task as upholding a temple that is already in no danger of collapsing. As yama - nay, as a being of common sense, I cannot-

Komachi knelt down to the yukkuri, which had been staring at Shikieiki, in disbelief this time. "Eki-sama~ Do you give me permission to make Shiki-sama take it easy?"

Eki-sama let out a childish squeal. "Thou may~!"

Before Shikieiki could figure out what this meant, she felt a dull thud on her head, and she fell to the ground.

"Ow! Komachi, what did you just-"

Komachi was holding her yama stick, looking at it with an expression of awe.

"So this is what it feels like to use the yama stick...such power..." Her voice trailed off. Slowly her eyes turned to Shikieiki, a sadistic grin on her face.

Shikieiki, sensing impending peril, threw up her hands. "Alright, alright! I'll go to this fund raiser! Come Eki-sama, let us make haste!" Shoving the squishy being out the front door, she left Komachi behind before she could fully grasp the power she now held in her hands.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2012, 04:15:45 am by nintendonut888 »
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

nintendonut888

  • So those that live now, pledge on your fists and souls
  • Leave a sign of your life, no matter how small...
  • LOOK AT ME
Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2010, 06:46:36 am »
Chapter 3

The Righteous Eternal Drone, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, approached the Temple of Myouren. She still wished that she didn't have to humor everyone and take this vacation, but she may as well make the best of the situation. Perhaps she can experiment and try to remember what this (ugh) "fun" was like.

Traveling next to her was the little blob of bean paste, now dubbed "Eki-sama" by Komachi. For such stubby little legs she kept up with her well enough, and seemed to have limitless energy as she waddled next to her, grinning like a buffoon.

Lucky blob, Shiki thought as she panted. It's been, like, two miles from where she entered Gensokyo and the temple, and she was dead tired. Yeah, I said it. That's how out of shape Side-achy was.

In any case, they were now at the recently established temple. Shikieiki didn't know much about it, except that it was run by some beatnik and her pirate crew of animals...or something. Even with her lack of knowledge, Shiki was pretty sure that wooden stage with outside world spotlights at the back side was not usually on temples. No matter, she'll just go into the front and-

"Welcome to the wonderful Temple of Myouren! I am Byakuren, how may I help you today?" A young woman dressed like a certain anime doll, sporting multi-colored hair ("Damn hippies," Shikieiki thought) leaped out from the side of the temple the same way a slimy used car salesman would. Thankfully Shiki was starting to grow immune to surprises and her heart was safe from cardiac arrest for another day.

Adjusting her hat, Shiki said "I am Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the judge of death. I have come to speak with the organizer of this show."

At the mention of her position, Byakuren turned pale. "O-oh, the judge of death? W-what business would you have with the o-organizer?" She began trembling.

Shiki ignored it and continued. "I want to speak with her. I believe we're long overdue for a chat, and to be honest, I want to have an...intimate talk with her."

Byakuren was sweating profusely and had swirls in her eyes. "O-oh! Is that so! Uh..um...ah..."

Shikieiki still paid her no mind, used to people getting hot and bothered in her presence. "So I'd like to see her. Would you be able to direct me to Yumemi Okazaki?"

At this, Byakuren stopped breathing. Within a second she was back to her cheerful hippie smile. "OH! R-right! She is in the temple, preparing for tonight's performance. Please go right in!" Her wide smile betrayed the fact that she quite clearly was about to puke. Tipping her hat, Shiki walked to the front and entered the temple.

---

"Ooh, what a bother! How could she of done this to me? What a dullard of an assistant..."

Shikieiki heard the distinct rambling of a time lord in distress, and hurried on in. What she saw was not pretty. On the ground of the temple was a girl in a sailor suit, her sailor cap several feet away from her. The girl's blonde hair was stained red with blood, and she was not moving. Next to her was a tall figure pacing back and forth, not noticing Shikieiki. Her body was obscured by a flowing red cape, as crimson as the stain on the sailor suit-clad girl, and her hair for that matter.

"W...what is this?!" Shiki exclaimed with shock. She had judged countless souls, but seeing the actual bodies was rather unnerving still.

The single-toned woman turned around to face the judge, her eyes widening as she saw who it was. "Ah, Shikieiki! It hasn't been too long, has it? She relaxed a bit and pulled a strawberry out of her breast pocket.

Now was not the time for pleasentries, though she did wish to engage in them later. "Yumemi, what happened to the girl next to you?!"

Swallowing her strawberry and taking out another, she looked down at the girl next to her and kicked her lightly with her boot. "Oh, Chiyuri? Just being a total let-down of a comedy partner!" Yumemi had a look of disgust on her face.

Shikieiki was not satisfied. "Yumemi. What happened."

The excitable professor sighed. "Well, I assume you came here to see the manzai we are performing for the fund raiser tonight, right? Well, we were just practicing our bit, and everything was going fine."

Shiki nodded. "Go on..."

"Well, my bit had me bonking Chiyuri on the head. 'What the hell,' standard manzai. Well, I decided to improv and tried it with the folding chair we took breaks with, and suddenly Chiyuri isn't up to practicing anymore. Can you believe it?!" Yumemi threw up her arms in disbelief. Only now did Shiki notice the folding chair a ways away from Chiyuri.

Shikieiki was also in disbelief. "Y-yumemi! That would kill a normal human!"

Yumemi laughed. "Kill? Oh, don't be silly! Chiyuri-chan is too hard-headed to be killed by such a weak blow. She's just...out of commision it seems."

"Manjuu...sweet delicious manjuu..."

Yumemi crossed her arms and tapped her feet impatiently. "Oh, for the love of- she's hallucinating again!"

Shikieiki looked at Chiyuri, who miraculously was still alive. As it turns out, she wasn't hallucinating after all; Eki-sama was whacking her (equating to a light tap of course) with her mini-yama stick.

"Battery~" Battery~!" The being of bean-paste chanted.

Upon hearing these words, Yumemi turned around and saw Eki-sama. "Egad, a yukkuri!" She took a step back. "And a Shikieiki-type, no less!" She turned to her real Shikieiki. "Shiki, you own a yukkuri? I didn't think you were the type."

The yama sighed. "Well, 'own' isn't quite the right word, but yes, I suppose you could say she's in my custody.

Yumemi resumed pacing. "Hmm...an uptight judge, a retarded version of the judge, and after Chiyuri bowed out..." She rubbed her chin.

All of a sudden the time lord pivoted to Shikieiki, a mischevious gleam in her eyes. Shiki, would you be willing to do me a favor?"

"No Yumemi, I will not perform a manzai for you." Shikieiki stated bluntly.

Not one to be deterred, Yumemi slowly advanced on Shiki. "But Shiki, Byakuren wanted this so much...and what Byakuren wants, I want. You wouldn't want to let me down...would you?"

Shiki felt herself blushing. "Y-yumemi, don't think you can coerce me lik-ah!"

Yumemi pressed Shiki to her chest, draping her cape around Shiki. She stroked Shikieiki's cheek. "Please, Shiki-chan...you are always so serious...please...for me..." She slowly brought her lips towards Shikieiki's.

Shiki began blushing furiously. "Ah...Yumemi..." She closed her eyes and felt herself giving into passion.

Just then, the "emotions are bad" part her brain started being stimulated, and Shiki was brought back to reality. She pushed Yumemi away. "NO!" Yumemi was shocked that she managed to break free of her strawberry-pheromone perfume. Shiki dusted herself off. "Yumemi, I know you think you can control me, but you can't! I cannot and will not participate in this comedy. I'm sorry." She bowed in apology.

Yumemi gave out a long sigh. "You're right Shikieiki. It was wrong of me to try to swoon you like this. I'll find a way to make everything work tonight, don't worry. But before you go, why not have a strawberry? Just as a friendly gesture." Yumemi reached down her shirt and pulled out a particularly ripe and juicy strawberry, handing it over.

Shikieiki was pretty hungry after her breakfast was pilfered. "Well, if you insist..."

Shiki bit into the strawberry. Just then, the holes from where the judge's teeth punctured the berry spewed forth a gas into her face.

"Ah! Yumemi, what is the...mean...in..."

Shiki's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she collapsed onto the ground. Yumemi stood tall over her, laughing like a madwoman. "Sweet dreams, Shiki-chan. Now, why don't I instruct little miss Eki here on what to do~?"

Byakuren, who had been observing from the entrance, walked in. "Yumemi, is it really okay to conscript someone like the judge of death? Don't you think that has bad karma?"

Yumemi shook her head. "Nah, Shiki's a real softy if you know how to reach her. I got a free nirvana comin' my way when I kick the bucket." She turned to the camera and Ranka winked. Yumemi returned to preparing everything for tonight. This will be a show few will ever forget.
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

nintendonut888

  • So those that live now, pledge on your fists and souls
  • Leave a sign of your life, no matter how small...
  • LOOK AT ME
Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2010, 06:48:58 am »
Chapter 4

"Mmm, a tall frosty would be just snappy, thankies..."

The Relentless Nag, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, was still mumbling to herself, delirious from the toxins in her brain. Now though, her senses were returning to her, and she realized where she was: On the stage behind the Temple of Myouren. At some point it became night, but Shiki could only tell because she couldn't see a damned thing with these spotlights focused on her.

Wait, spotlights...?

It was only then that the poor judge realized what had just transpired since eating that strawberry, and she looked frantically around for an escape route. Before she could move though, Byakuren dropped down from above the stage and landed to the left of Shikieiki.

Shiki, not one to give in to situations like this, tapped the holy woman and said "Excuse me Ms. Hiziri, there's been a mista-"

Byakuren cut her off. "Yes, thank you all for coming tonight! Your patronage is deeply appreciated! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!"

The shanghaied judge cleared her throat. "I absolutely refuse to do this! Stop this at onc-"

"You know her as the yama of Gensokyo! The uptight nag! The fuddy-duddy buddy of all!"

Shikieiki began shaking with rage. "Who approved these lines?! How dare you speak to me in such a-"

Byakuren brought up her arms, taking care to smack Shiki on their way up. "But tonight, she is here to make your sides, not your head split! Ladies, and..." The magician squinted at the crowd. "...More ladies, I give you Shikieiki Yamaxanadu!" The crowd applauded, and Byakuren gracefully made her way off the stage.

Shikieiki rubbed her cheek, then looked out into the crowd. Her eyes had adjusted to the spotlights on her, so she could finally see how screwed she was. Damn near everyone in Gensokyo had gathered to this fund raiser. Her eyes darted to where Byakuren got off the stage.

No! Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, if you bow out now, you'll be the laughingstock for all eternity! You can't let this happen! Think...think of something...humor...funny...

From her scattered thoughts, all that came out was a half-hearted "U-uhm..." She began blushing a bit from all the eyes on her. Shiki swallowed, then just decided to go with the first thing that came to mind.

"Y-y-y-you know how...You know how people judged to be white come into the courtroom...like this?" She began bouncing across the stage in her best attempt to look enthusiastic.

Panting for breath from the effort exerted, she continued. "And...pant...how people judged black come into the courtroom like this?" She began strutting across the stage like a gangsta. The fact that someone with Shiki's frame tried doing this was more sad than funny.

Sweating and wiping her brow, she turned back to the crowd. "Y-you know?"

Crickets were loudly chirping. A firefly youkai in the crowd waved her arms and said "Q-quiet guys!"

Now instead there was complete silence. Seeing that she was faltering, she decided to try some of that "talking" humor she had heard about. Yeah, you're good at talking.

"Alright then. You know, I have this shinigami of mine. She's a total slacker, and as everyone knows, sloth is a deadly sin. So naturally I had to punish her. One day, I just took her aside out of court, and started paddling her." Yeah, that WAS funny "She begged for forgiveness, but you just have to beat the sin out of people, ya know? So I WHACKED and WHACKED her," Shiki began acting this out. "Then it turned out she started enjoying it, and" - Wait, is this "funny?

Shikieiki was in the middle of paddling thin air again when she stared at the silent crowd. Somewhere in the back, a shout of "show us your legs!" could be heard.

Her face flushing again, she dropped her act and stood up straight. "Now hold on a minute! I am the highest judge of paradise, here to judge all your souls when you pass on! I am NOT here to fulfill your fantasies of-"

"BREACH OF CONTRACT~!"

"Eh?!" Shiki turned to her right, where Eki-sama had shown up at some point. Forgetting her berating of the crowd, she walked over to Eki-sama, who waddled further on stage.

"Eki-sama, what are you talking about? I signed into no such contract!"

"DUTY~!" Eki-sama said yet another random word.

Rubbing her temples, Shiki replied, "Duty...I believe my duty to help Yumemi was made null as soon as I was GASSED into being here."

A bit of a murmur could be heard in the crowd. A giggle or two were barely audible.

"Gassing~ Gassing~" Eki-sama chanted.

Shiki couldn't take it anymore. The pressure, the taunting, the mocking, she had to take it out on SOMEONE. "Gargh...What are you even saying? What the hell?" She ran towards Eki-sama, bringing her fist down. She was too slow however, as Eki-sama skipped backwards, and Shiki's fist was brought down onto the wooden stage. The angry yama whimpered a bit as her body took in the pain.

Eki-sama continued to chant in her childish voice, "What the hell, what the hell~?" Just then, laughs could be heard from the crowd.

W-wha...why are they laughing at my pain? Grr...first, that little piece of bean paste.

She got to her feet, ignoring the pain of her right fist. "Yes, what the hell indeed! This is supposed to be Yumemi's show! The only reason I'm up here is because she incapacitated her partner by banging her in the head with a folding chair! What kind of idiot would whack her partner with a folding chair?" She acted out hitting someone with a chair in front of the crowd. "I mean, even if they WEREN'T human, they would have to have the thickest skull of anyone I've ever-"

Cut off yet again, Nazrin, off-stage, tossed the very folding chair in question to Eki-sama's hands, who while not strong enough to hold it up, ended up giving the act of directing it to Shikieiki's skull. Shiki screamed and fell to the ground in shock.

Ba dum tish

Byakuren nodded to Lyrica, who tipped her hat.

"What the hell, what the hell~?"

Rubbing her head, Shiki, against her own words, stood up almost immediately and snatched up Eki-sama, shaking her. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LITTLE-" Eki-sama honked her nose. "ARGH!" She dropped Eki-sama, who continued her "what the hell" chant that Yumemi conditioned into her. Shiki, a strong a character as she was, began sniffling a bit. Even the judge of the dead has limits after all. She dropped to her knees and held her head.

Laughing...they're all laughing at me...why are they-wait. They're...laughing?

Lifting her head and brushing away her tears, and looked towards the crowd. Everyone was laughing like drunken fools (which they were, of course), pointing and laughing at the judge being abused on stage.

"They...they're enjoying this? B-but why..."

All of a sudden, Shikieiki felt a pinprick in her heart. It was an odd feeling, one that she had never felt before. She didn't know what it was, but it made her feel a bit warm inside. Was this..."fun?"

Getting to her feet as best she could, she waved to the crowd. "Thank you! Thank you all, I'll be here as long as I am forced to!" Shiki walked off the stage, Eki-sama bouncing after her.

---

At the back of the crowd, one lady stood, eyeing the stage with a look of contempt. She motioned a small girl behind her to follow her, who clapped in anticipation. She's going to teach these bozos a lesson...
« Last Edit: June 22, 2010, 08:21:10 pm by nintendonut888 »
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

nintendonut888

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2010, 06:50:38 am »
Chapter 5

The Drabble of the Gavel, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, was sitting back in a chair - the very chair thrown at her during the show in fact. She was safe for now, as it was the intermission. Eki-sama was next to her enjoying some cotton candy. Shiki took this time to nurse her dented head. She was not sure whether the past half hour had been a success or not.

Yumemi sat down next to Shikieiki, putting an ice pack on her head. "Heya. Man, you really killed out there, didn't you? You're such a good sport about this." Yumemi laughed at her own words. Under normal circumstances, Shiki would have glared, but at this point she could only look at the strawberry professor.

Yumemi blinked a few times. "What is it Shiki-chan, is there a strawberry caught in my teeth?" She began moving her tongue to find the imaginary morsel of food.

Shikieiki shook her head, though it hurt a bit to do so. "Yumemi, what is fun?"

Stopping her search, the professor giggled. "My, what could possibly bring such a question up? You've had fun before! We've had fun..." She ran her fingers up Shiki's leg, causing her to blush again.

"Ah...N-no, that...that was different! This feeling I felt on stage, it felt so strange. My heart felt liberated from something! Is this the concept of fun you have all been talking about?

Yumemi stood back up. "...My god Shiki, you're are so CUTE! But anyway, I came here for a reason. You're off the hook."

Shiki looked up. "Eh?"

"I said you're free to go! Chiyuri's all better now, we can do our act now."

Shikieiki blinked. "But didn't you hemorrhage her skull? It's not so easy as to-"

"Nah nah, I'm fine! Look!"

To Shiki's disbelief, Chiyuri came running into the temple, feisty as ever. She looked at the energetic sailor's head, which was completely free of blood. All of a sudden the judge's pounding headache returned.

Yumemi, apathetic as always, continued. "So, you can just go to the crowd now. Since we put you through this, we'll even give you free front row seats! You and Eki-sama."

Shikieiki should have been happy to hear this, but she wasn't. If she loses this chance to experience fun, she may never be able to grasp it again. She has to keep this act, or else!

Before she could tell Yumemi this revelation, everyone heard a loud explosion behind them. The temple shook from the tremor.

"Whoa, what was that?" Shikieiki exclaimed.

Chiyuri saluted. "I'll check it out." She ran out the temple to scout the situation. A short time later, she ran back in. "Yumemi, it's terrible! Someone is wrecking the stage!"

"WHAT?!" Shikieiki and Yumemi both shouted at the same time.

Chiyuri nodded. "Yeah! And along with that, there's this girl with this strange power. She's exploding anything she can find, animate or inanimate!"

Shiki gasped. "Oh my god! Is everyone alright?"

Chiyuri waved her hand. "Oh yeah, she's just killed some PC-98 characters. But we have to do something before anyone important gets hurt!" The judge and professor nodded and everyone rushed out to confront the attackers.

Meanwhile, Eki-sama continued lapping up her cotton candy.

---

Chiyuri did not lie, the wooden stage was a wreck. If they couldn't fly, it'd have been hard to get on the stage, as the stairs were twisted and gnarled, and there were cracks all across the floor. Bodies of insignificant retconned characters lined the seats, while the rest of the audience had fled. The only person besides the three still around was a teary-eyed Byakuren, who was staring up at the stage lights, shaking her arms.

"You, why are you doing this? Why did you ruin my show?!" Byakuren shouted in between sobs.

A mysterious figure was perched on one of the stage lights, obscured by the fact that it too had shattered. Shikieiki couldn't quite make out who it was.

The figure spoke. "This isn't anything personal to you miss Hiziri, I'm just using you as an example for anyone who tries to overshadow me. Besides, you already have all your money, what do you care about how the show goes?

Byakuren cried more. "It's not just the money! I wanted to see humans and youkai gather in peace to watch a relaxing comedy!"

The figure scoffed. "So did I! Maybe next time you'll just leave the gathering to me."

Yumemi decided to be the one to take action. She thrust her finger at the figure on top of the stage light. "You who would ruin my show, reveal yourself!"

Obliging, the figure swooped down and gracefully landed on the ground. It was...

"Remilia Scarlet?! But why?" Everyone shouted in tandem like protagonists of a Saturday morning cartoon.

Reaching into hammerspace, Remilia pulled out a newspaper and shoved it in the trio's face.

"An...article?" Shiki, vaguely remembering this, took it from Remilia and read it. It was an advertisement for a party at the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

Remilia huffed. "My parties are ALWAYS the most popular in Gensokyo! So to find that not one person showed up, I just can't have that!"

Chiyuri was the one to talk this time. "But you've been the party center of Gensokyo for 7 years! Can't you share at all? Can't we all just get along?"

"No." Remilia stated in a flat tone.

Chiyuri whipped out her gun and pointed it at Remilia. "Alrighty, guess we'll just have to rough ya up!"

Remilia smirked. "How cute. I think it's time to get rid of you four. Come Flan, it's time to play~" She snapped her fingers, and a giggling girl tackled Chiyuri from behind, knocking Chiyuri's gun out of her hand.

"Yah!" Chiyuri squealed as Flandre yanked her hair. "Getemoffgetemoffgetemoooooooff!"

"Chiyuri!" Yumemi summoned her strawberry crosses. She twirled them around her head, ready to do battle. She turned to the frazzled temple owner. "Come Byakuren! It is time to kick some haughty ass!"

Byakuren brought up her hands. "What? Oh no, even in this situation, it would be wrong of me to intervene." She turned around and began making her way to a bar until this blew over. "Good luck though!"

Yumemi sighed and muttered "Damn hippies." Turning now to Shiki, who looked rather lost. "Well Shiki-chan, it's just us Phantasmagoria bosses. It's a match made in heaven!"

Shiki shook her head slowly. "No...no, I'm a judge, not a combatant. I am to remain neutral in all conflicts."

Yumemi put her free hand on her hip. "Shikieiki Yamaxanadu! Weren't you just telling me you wanted to have fun? Tsk, FINE, I'll be the hero of this story!" She leapt towards Remilia, who had kindly been waiting for them to finish squabbling. "Remilia Scarlet! In the name of science, I shall spank you!" Laughing, Remilia summoned her Spear the Gungnir and the two final bosses went at it.

It was a battle to behold. Chiyuri managed to kick Flandre off and summoned her bullshit boss attack, which not even an extra boss can hope to dodge. Flan playfully took the hits and crushed the attack with her eye of destruction. Yumemi and Remilia traded blows with their respective weaponry, cross countered by spear, aimed crosses dodged and retorted with Scarlet Meisters. A fight between four strong combatants, it could bring a tear to a poet's eye.

Yet Shikieki was not paying attention. She was muttering to herself. She was supposed to be the judge, yes, but why couldn't she think of the sin Remilia was commiting by ruining this show? She rubbed her head. It must have been that blow that Eki-sama had dealt her a while back. "Ooh, what am I to do?!" Shikieki threw up her arms. If she can't judge, what CAN she do?

"Neglect! NEGLECT!"

Speaking of Eki-sama... Shiki felt a tug at her skirt and peered down to come face to face with a stare that she had witnessed far too many times today. The yukkuri was holding up an empty cotton candy stick. Shiki sighed. "Please, not now Eki-sama. We're all a little busy."

Eki-sama stomped her feet. "NEGLECT!"

My, I wish it was so easy to be so selfish. She doesn't have a job that she is bound to do for all eternity...

"YEARGH! YOU FIEND!"

Shiki snapped back to attention to see Chiyuri and Yumemi tied together.

Shiki's jaw dropped. "H-how is it possible somebody defeated Yumemi?!"

Remilia laughed. "Oh, it was quite simple. I walled her with Vampire Illusion, because NOBODY can dodge that."

Shikieiki's eyes darkened. "That is a very dirty trick."

Remilia scoffed. "Well, what are YOU going to do about it? You're the JUDGE, you can't do anything to me. C'mon Flan, let's find a train track to tie these two to." She lifted the two teachers up, with Flan taking them up in front, humming a song about cakes.

Yumemi looked at Shiki with pleading eyes. "Shiki, please! Help me!"

Shiki had a sorrowful look in her eye. "But she's right, I am the judge. It is not my place to do anythi-"

"SHIKIIIIIIII!"

The judge blinked several times. She had never heard this kind of scream from Yumemi before. It was only then that it hit Shiki that if she did nothing, Yumemi and Chiyuri would be killed. Yumemi glared at Shiki as they began being pulled farther and farther away.

A strange feeling came over Shikieiki at this time. She looked at the two vampires pulling her love away from her, looked at Eki-sama, who was giving her an accusing stare as always, and down at the ground.

"I am the yama. It is not my place to intervene. However, there is no one else to help Yumemi. If I don't do anything, no one will. What can I..." Shiki came to a realization: She is NOT the judge right now. She is on leave. If there is ever a time to take advantage of this, it is now. She looked down at Eki-sama.

"Eki-sama, do you give me permission to extract cold justice on Remilia?"

Eki-sama continued to stare at Shikieki for a while. Then for the first time, Eki-sama gave her a smile. "Thou may!" Shikieiki smiled and noticed a discarded gun a ways away from her...

---

"93 bottles of blood on the wall, 93 bottles of blood! You take one down, guzzle it down, 92 bottles of blood on the wall!" Remilia was singing this tiresome old song to keep Flandre focused, lest she get bored and start blowing more stuff up. To Remilia's surprise, this scheme had been a resounding success. Considering she is the clear villain of a story that would belong in a children's cartoon, usually she'd be stopped by no-

CLICK

Remilia heard the distinct clicking of a gun behind her. Out of shock she lost her grip on Yumemi's arms, dropping her and therefore Chiyuri to the ground. Flan, unaware that she was no longer carrying anything, kept marching and singing.

"F-flan! Wait!"

"90 bottles of blood on the waaaaaaall~"

Sighing, Remilia turned around and looked up to see a very pissed off judge staring down at her. Remilia let off a smirk of pure charisma. "Hey Shiki, put that gun down, you might hurt someone."

In an uncharacteristically low voice, the yama said, "Like you?"

"Ah ha, very funny. I know how you yamas work. It is out of your power to cause violence towards others. In essence, you can't do anything against me! It's against your law!"

Shiki's eyes narrowed. "You talk to ME about law?" She held the gun to Remilia's forehead. Remilia's expression showed she realized she may have gone too far, but it was too late.

"BITCH. I. AM. THE LAW."

BANG
« Last Edit: June 23, 2010, 12:59:52 am by nintendonut888 »
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

nintendonut888

  • So those that live now, pledge on your fists and souls
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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2010, 06:52:43 am »
Epilogue

The Tiresome Divine Wall of Text, Shikiheadeiki Blahblahxanadu, kicked aside Remilia's twitching body and untied Chiyuri and Yumemi. The latter stood up and brought Shiki into her arms. "Shiki-chan, that was SO amazing! I'm proud of you."

Giving a genuine grin, Shiki replied, "Fun...that was fun! It was so fun to finally act on the feelings I've wanted to all these millenia! I feel so...enlightened."

Yumemi nodded. "Indeed. The show may be ruined, but the moral has been learned."

Dusting herself off, Chiyuri looked in the distance and said "But what about that vampire's sister?"

Shiki waved her hand. "Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a strong girl."

"N-no, I mean what if she goes berser-"

"C'mon everyone! Let's go out for some chocolate frosty milkshakes!"

Yumemi cheered. "No better choice could be made! Come my comrades, let us celebrate our hard-earned victory!"

Shikieiki and Yumemi skipped off arm in arm to fetch Eki-sama and find the nearest milkshake joint. Chiyuri pointed half-heartedly in Flandre's direction, shrugged, and followed them.

---

"What? Eki-sama is leaving?"

The next day, Komachi came over again to tell Shiki that Byakuren, ever the enterprising savior, had opened up a yukkuri orphanage and would accept any type, except for Mima types, because like eww.

"Shiki-sama, didn't you want this? Last I heard you hated Eki-sama's guts and would be delighted to be rid of her."

Shiki shook her head. "No! Eki-sama taught me the joy of fun and the fun of joy, you can't take her!" She grabbed Eki-sama, who had been enjoying some waffles, and held her close.

Komachi tilted her head for a moment, then smiled. "Shiki-sama, I think you finally get it. I'm proud of you."

Komachi crashed down on the guest sofa and stretched. Shiki smiled and continued to feed waffles into Eki-sama's awaiting mouth.

Shikieiki was entirely content at this point in time. The only thing lingering on her mind was what she was going to do for the rest of this vacation.

Right on cue, Yumemi burst into the room, brandishing tickets. "Hey hey everyone! The Gensokyo Grand Prix begins today! Start your engines!"

Shikieiki, Komachi, Chiyuri, Byakuren (who popped her head in through the window) all rang out "Here we go again!"

Roll credits.

---

And there you go. I'm not sure how funny this was, but that is what you get when you ask a pastry to write a comedy. Hope you enjoyed. o/
« Last Edit: March 27, 2010, 07:29:53 pm by nintendonut888 »
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2010, 07:50:56 am »
That was fucking rad
Wotters gonna' wot

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2010, 08:07:16 am »
Three words, Donut: Write. More. Comedy!

That was a very nice read, and I like your sense of humour.
And it must be the first fiction here on MotK to feature a yukkuri as an important character.  :V

nintendonut888

  • So those that live now, pledge on your fists and souls
  • Leave a sign of your life, no matter how small...
  • LOOK AT ME
Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2010, 08:09:47 am »
Three words, Donut: Write. More. Comedy!

That was a very nice read, and I like your sense of humour.
And it must be the first fiction here on MotK to feature a yukkuri as an important character.  :V

Thanks, but my big story is an icky slow drama. :( It was very refreshing to write this though.
nintendonut888: Hey Baity. I beat the high score for Sanae B hard on the score.dat you sent me. X3
Baity: For a moment, I thought you broke 1.1billion. Upon looking at my score.dat, I can assume that you destroyed the score that is my failed (first!) 1cc attempt on my first day of playing. Congratulations.

[19:42] <Sapz> I think that's the only time I've ever seen a suicide bullet shoot its own suicide bullet

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2010, 08:32:42 am »
I can tell you had fun with this. And yes, I did faint when Yumemi started teasing Shiki's legs. Thanks, pastry. :3

Tengukami

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2010, 08:30:09 pm »
Yeah, I have to concur, Donut - you have an ear for comedy. Keep at it!

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Re: Shikieiki's Day Off - Break of 60 Years
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2010, 12:36:07 pm »
I'm a slow reader, and it usually takes days (or weeks?) to read stories in these forums, but it was HOLYSHITAWESOME.
 

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