| ~Hakurei Shrine~ > Kosuzu's Grand Bookstore |
| Weekly Writing Challenge Thread the First |
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| Chaore:
JUDGE COMMENTS, YOU SAY? WHILE I CAN NOT SPEAK FOR THE OTHERS, I AM PLEASED TO GIVE MY COMMENTS. AND SUBSEQUENT CRITIQUE. AND MY ALL CAPS VOICE AND FACE ARE NOT LIKE THIS BECAUSE I AM DISPLEASED. IT IS SIMPLY STUCK LIKE THAT. ZUROCHA- I WILL ADMIT THE MOMENT YOU WRITE 'OCS INSIDE BEWARE' POSSIBLY SEALED YOUR FATE. IF YOU NEED TO WARN SOMEONE ABOUT CHARACTERS, YOU HAVE AN ISSUE ALREADY. FRANKLY YOUR WRITING NEEDS MUCH WORK, CONSTANT SPELLING ERRORS SHOWS NOT MUCH TIME WAS SPENT REVIEWING IT. DIALOGUE IS STILTED AND SERIES OF EVENTS ARE POORLY PACED AND STRUCTURED. YOUR NARRATIVE IN GENERAL NEEDS HEAVY WORK, AND YOUR CHARACTERS LACK MUCH DIVERSITY OR MEMORABILITY AND FRANKLY IT SEEMS LIKE MANY COULD BE DONE WITHOUT. AVOID CLICHE 'DRAMATIC' LIKE THE END OF THE FIRST 'PART' WITH YELLING INTO THE SKY. GUY- I'M A SUCKER FOR TWO FRONT STORIES, BUT YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF AT ALL. HAVING KEINE THE PRESENT GOING AND KEINE THE PAST GOING DOES NOT WORK WELL, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOU FOLLOWED THE LINE OF 'START WITH ACTION' AND WENT WITH THERE. THE PRESENT FRONT IS UNDERDEVELOPED, SERVING AS A DISTRACTION RATHER THAN A GOING THREAD OF EVENTS. YOUR NARRATIVE NEEDS WORK, BUT I CAN'T PIN DOWN WHY, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOU NEED EXPERIENCE WITH IT AND REREADING IT WITH A MORE CRITICAL EYE TO IMPROVE IT. YOUR PLOT ALSO FALLS APART WHEN IT'S 'KEINE IS AFRAID OF POWERS SHE HAS SO SHE GETS TRAPPED WITH A HAKUTAKU WHICH IS WHY HER POWERS EXIST AND' IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOU RAN WITH ONE IDEA AFTER ANOTHER. AT THAT, IT'S LEFT HANGING AND BASICALLY IS JUST 'AND THEN THIS HAPPENED AND THEN YAYYYY MOMMY'. PHLEGTH- FUCK, I ACTUALLY LIKED A GREAT DEAL OF WHAT YOU SET OUT HERE. SOME OF YOUR CHARACTERIZATION IS REALLY GREAT AND INTERESTING. BUT IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I CAN'T PRECISELY GET WHAT, THIS ISN'T REALLY AN ORIGIN STORY AND IT'S MORE LIKE 'THAT ONE TIME YUUGI PUNCHED A BITCH IN THE FACE'. THE THING IS ALSO MOST OF THESE CHARACTERIZATIONS REALLY AREN'T PRONOUNCED WELL EITHER, AND LIKE THE ONLY FULL CHARACTER IS YUUGI. THE FIGHT SCENE IS ALSO KINDA POOR, AND REALLY IN GENERAL IT SEEMS A BIT RUSHED AND LIKE IT SHOULD BE EXPANDED. SQUID- YOUR PIECE IS JUST HARD TO GET INTO, IT'S NOT REALLY INTERESTING. MURASA BEING LED TO BY EVIL FORCES RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON HER OWN HATE FELT LAME, AND HOW BYAKUREN 'FREES' HER KIND OF MAKES NO DAMN SENSE. TREATING THE SHIP AS A PERSON MAKES ME WONDER IF MURASA IS AUTISTIC, NOT UNDERSTAND HER TRAIN OF THOUGHT. SERIOUSLY IT'S JUST LIKE MURASA WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP SINKING SHIPS AND START THROWING ANCHORS AT MIKOS. HIMIKO- I'M SORRY BUT REALLY, CHILD WITH SUPER POWERS MAGICALLY SHOWS UP AT X'S DOORSTEP IS NOT A GOOD PLOT MOST OF THE TIME. YOUR SARIEL SEEMS INSANELY LOL GENERIC KID TOO, AND SHINKI AND YUMEKO TAKING CENTER STAGE KIND OF RUINS MOST OF IT'S CHANCE. IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE A POOR SHOT IN GENERAL, AND ESPECIALLY AS AN ORIGIN STORY. TRIANGLES- BEAUTIFUL. I WOULD ASK FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE AT THE SHEER MAJESTY OF THE PIECE, BUT MJP WOULD PUNCH ME. ALSO I LOVE ANOTHER SO IT COULD NEVER BE. Spoiler: IN SERIOUSNESS, MADE ME GIGGLE INCESSANTLY, WOULD TROLL OPTION IF IT WASN'T FOR SECT. ICED- GOD DAMNIT I ALREADY USED THE MARRIAGE JOKE. I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHERS. IN SERIOUSNESS, I MAY BE INSANELY BIASED TOWARDS YOU BUT JESUS SHIT THIS WAS SPOT ON. IT WAS A SERIOUSLY COMPELLING TALE, TOOK A RELATIVELY BACKGROUND-LESS CHARACTER AND DELIVERED SOMETHING FRESH, EXCITING, AND FUN. YOU GET AN EXCELLENT SENSE OF CHARACTER FOR EVEN THE MINOR CHARACTERS, AND THE ONLY PART I REALLY DISLIKED WAS THE LITTLE KID, BECAUSE WHILE IT DID ADD SOME CHARACTER AND SHOWED YOUKI'S PERSONALITY OFF A BIT... JESUS SHIT THAT SCENE IS OVERDONE. CAPTH- I REMEMBER YOU BEING CAPABLE OF WRITING MUCH BETTER. I AM DISAPPOINTED. YOUR NARRATIVE HERE STUMBLES AND REPEATS A LOT, AND YOUR DIALOGUE IS REALLY STINTED AND BLAND AT TIMES. AND GIVEN THE DIALOGUE IS MUCH OF THIS PIECE, IT'S COMPLETELY AWFUL. THERES NO REAL SENSE OF URGENCY AND WHILE IT'S A DECENT PIECE BY VALUE OF NARRATIVE, IT LACKS HEART AND IT LACKS PUNCH. IT'S LIKE A STRUCTURE 100 WITH A 0 IN FLAVOR. ALSO IT'S EPILOGUE NOT EPILOG. RUSHED SEEMING AND NOT REALLY FUN TO READ. YOGGY- JESUS WALLS OF TEXT. FORMAT IT BETTER AND MAKE IT A BIT MORE INTERESTING TO READ TO EVEN START WITH. JUST BLOCKS OF TEXT NEVER MAKE GOOD THINGS. ON TOP OF THAT, IT SEEMS MORE LIKE A SINGLE SCENE RATHER THAN A FULL FIC. AN EXTREMELY LONG AND DRAWN OUT SCENE OF THE CLOSING, NOT WHY THINGS WENT LIKE THIS. CHOJA- I DON'T REALLY HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. IT SEEMED BRIEF AND MORE LIKE AN ADDITION TO THE SMALL ENTRY OF 'MEDICINE WAS THROWN AWAY' THAN AN ACTUAL STORY, AND THE CHARACTERS SEEMED REALLY THROW AWAY AND QUICK. VERY GOOD, BUT NOTHING COMPARED TO STORIES WITH MORE HEART TO THEM, SORRY TO SAY. SECT- LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE I THOUGHT WAS OUTRIGHT BETTER THAN ICED'S AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL. IT MAY BE CHEATING BECAUSE SHIT THIS THING IS HUGE AND YOU HAD A LOT OF TIME TO WORK ON IT, BUT FRANKLY THIS PIECE WAS EXCELLENT. THE FIRST PART SETS THE BACKGROUND FOR THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE INVOLVED CHARACTERS UP, THE SECOND LEADS INTO THE MAIN EVENT, AND THE THIRD IS JUST IT'S A HILLARIOUS AND KAGUYA AND MOKOU MAKE THE BEST BUDDYCOPS OH GOD. YOU DO COMEDY AMAZINGLY. AT THE SAME POINT YOUR PIECE TOOK ITSELF VERY SERIOUSLY AND YOUR PLOT WAS BOTH INTRIGUING AND THE RIGHT BRAND OF CRAZY OH GOD WHAT YOU SOMETIMES SEE IN HORROR FILMS, HAKUTAKU CURSES AND SUCH ETC. IT'S TAKING FEAR OF KEINE'S POWER RIGHT, AND HANDING IT ALSO TO THE RIGHT HANDS TO BE AFRAID AND DO THINGS ABOUT IT. OVERALL EXCELLENT PIECE. LIKE SAID, MY JUDGEMENTS WERE SECT WINS, ICED TAKES SECOND, TRIANGLES TAKES THE TRIANGULAR PRIZE. FRANKLY MOST OF THESE ENTRIES DISAPPOINTED ME BESIDES SECT, SO YEAH. THERES MY CENTS. RABBIT OUT. |
| Dead Princess Sakana:
Well, I was only planning to comment on the one author that inquired, but since Chao already went and posted a full wall I will give my thoughts from the judging for all entries too: Zurocha - I'll say you have nice ideas, but you need to think some things through more and work on your writing. Especially the usage of your OC made me frown. It's generally not a good idea to make an OC the central part of an established character's backstory. Also, if you point out you do certain stuff for "authenticity", you should really not have blonde Japanese women in the same scene, it just makes things look silly. And I consider it highly unlikely that a cherry tree would bloom twice within nine months too. Stuff like that ruins the suspension of disbelief one needs for a story. Guy - Since your Keine had to stand against Sect's, she had a hard time from the start. My main issue with your entry was that I found it hard to follow what was going on at many points. Stuff just happened and happened and it was easy to get lost. Part of that was the mix of present and past narrative that Chaore already pointed to. There was also at least one part where the two narratives repeated information from one another without necessity to do so, you could have saved yourself a paragraphs there. Phlegth - What Chao said, it's a nice little story, but not an origin story. That's really all, aside from that it was an entertaining little read. Squid - Contrary to the bunny's view, I really really liked this one. It was my choice for third place after Iced and Sect. I considered this entry to be a very well written interpretation of the events we know about from canon, and I liked the attachment of Murasa to the ship as part of her character. Himiko - This has the same problem as Phlegth's story in that it doesn't appear to be much of an origin to the character. If anything, it's an origin as to how that character got ino Makai, but we don't learn anything about the character itself. Shinki got the most characterization in your entry, while not being the actual focus of the story. Triangles - Well worth that IP :V Iced - My personal favourite. I especially liked that you took the challenge to make an origin story for a character with almost no background and still made it fit in well with the rest of the world. On the other hand, it was also a clever move because that choice of character gave you a lot of freedom to work with. The knowledge of deities and mythology that was made visible in the story is also a plus-point. Capth - In the same vein as Squid's story you took what we know from canon and tried to flesh it out a bit. The result lacked substance though, and the writing could have been better. What especially stuck out to me was that some of the things that would have been interesting to know were left completely unadressed. For example, why does there always need to be a Yatagarasu, why is it Kanako's job to ensure that and why of all ravens is Utsuho the only choice? Since Utsuho's origin is an ordinary hell raven ascending to something bigger from amongst many of her kind, that should at least have been part of the focus. Yogg - Not much of an origin, just a little scene. Not much more to say. Choja - The writing could use some work, but I did like your story quite a bit. It was solid, though not outstanding, so keep at it. Sect - We can all agree that this was a very good entry, and probably the main reason it didn't come out on top for me but "just" in the top three was because you had to rush it to make the deadline. Had you had the time to write it at your own pace and polish it, this entry would have been most likely undefeatable. But since we didn't get to see it in its final state, I had to judge by what we had. That said, the ideas you used were very entertaining and original, and the characters were done nicely too. I personally found the fairytale-scene to go on for a bit too long considering it was a Keine-story and not a Mokou/Kaguya, but that's neglectable. |
| capt. h:
Kaguya Houraisan is Yukari Yakumo's Grandson Earlier today, Cirno, ice fairy of the Misty Lake, shocked the world when she released previously undisclosed statements belonging to Yukari Yakumo confessing to grandmothing the well-known princess of the moon Kaguya Houraisan. We decided to go to the source to inquire about this newly discovered impurity in the lunarian capital (denizens of the moon consider youkai impure and would consider a youkai descendant in the royal line scandelous) and the princesses' previously undisclosed sex change. "Go to hell." The princess declared when pressed for comment. "And I'm keeping the camera." Following up on this lead, this tengu headed to the former hell, where one Satori Komeiji disclosed her prior relations with the youkai sage. "Yukari Yakumo?" she stated. "I met her right before the sealing of hell. Shifty character, could never quite trust her. I wouldn't be surprised to hear she sired a child in secret, nor that she would do so for the express purpose of interfering with lunarian politics. Still, surely you mean granddaughter?" When pressed on the subject further, she explained, "Yukari Yakumo is someone who likes scheming for the sake of scheming. It would be shocking for her to have mixed her blood with royalty, but not entirely unexpected considering how she loves to have her hand involved in everything. Even a causal glance at her heart reveals that she's either planned the leadership of every major post in Gensokyo or was annoyed because a group she didn't expect came to power. I see no reason this wouldn't be true for politics in other realms as well. Still, mothering a child seems a tad extreme, who told you that story exactly?" We managed to reach the Yakumo for comment. "Why yes, I did say that," Yukari Yakumo responded, taking out a script. "This is my grandson. He?s been your rival since you were a baby. ?Erm, what is his name again?... That?s right! I remember now! His *ahem* HER name is KAGUYA." When asked about how Kaguya became a girl, the Yakumo stated "Oh, that? Ufufu... you should ask her about that. It is really none of my buisness what he *ahem* she does to herself." More on this story as it develops. |
| GuyYouMetOnline:
So, news, huh? You know what that means? ----------------------------------------- Aya stood facing the camera, which was zoomed in close. Behind her was a large screen with the letters 'AS' displayed. "People of Gensokyo," Aya said, "what I am going to tell you today, I can scarcely believe. Genskoyo's greatest enemy has been right under my nose ever since her arrival. What I am about to tell you will shock you, will make you stare in dibelief. But it's all true. I'm putting my life at risk by telling you this, but it is my job to expose the truth, regardless of personal danger. So be ready, because what you are about to hear will blow your mind." A simple opening graphic and an urgent-sounding theme played. When they were done, the camera had zoomed out to a more normal distance. Aya was standing in front of a pair of chalkboards. Aya stepped over beside one, which had an array of pictures on it. Aya pointed to the center picture. "Kanako Yasaka. Almost everyone in Gensokyo knows who she is. Several years ago, she moved her shrine here to Gensokyo from the outside world. Faith, she claimed, was in short supply outside Gensokyo, necessitating the move. She's made no secret of the fact that she wants faith, but she's a god; she does kind of need it. So I paid it little mind. "Kanako has done much since her arrival. She's unified the tengu and kappa under her, which even I thought was good, as we have indeed been far better off since she came. She gave a hell raven the power of a dead god, the power of nuclear fusion, and used it to begin a new age of technology, including the 'television' you're watching at this very moment. She's even responsible for the freeing of the followers of Byakuren Hijiri, and in turn Hijiri herself, people who are quick to help those in need. And, yes, Kanako's actions have brought her faith. But was that the only purpose behind her actions? "Let's start with Byakuren." Aya drew a line between Kanako's picture and one of Byakuren. "Byakuren was sealed away as a criminal, as were her followers. They were trapped for a thousand years before Kanako's actions resulted in their freedom. They claim it was because they helped both youkai and humans and the humans didn't like that, but I think anyone with a brain knows that's a lie. No humans hate them for it now, after all. So they're hiding something." Aya next drew a line between Kanako and a picture of Utsuho. "The hell-raven next. Or, more specifically, the god she was fed." Aya drew an image of the eye of the Yatagarasu. "The corpse of a dead god. But gods don't die. I'm sad to say that I only recently realized this contradiction in her story. I was interviewing one of the kappa scientists, trying to find out what they're working on now in those labs of theirs, when she let slip that she wondered how a god could die. And she's right. God's don't die; they simply fade from existence when they lack the faith necessary to sustain them. So what happened to the Yatagarasu? People, only one thing could have: Kanako Yasaka. She defeated it, depleted its energy, and fed it to Utsuho before it could recover. "Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Why? Why would she do that?' And it's a good question. The Yatagarasu could easily have powered the nuclear reactor itself, so why feed it to Utsuho? Simple: Kanako needs its power for something it reused to do. But what? And why does she need all that other stuff the kappa are making, like the Hisotensoku? The truth, people, is horrifying but simple: Kanako aims to take over completely. And not just Gensokyo. Gensokyo's size limits the faith she can gather. No, she wants the outside world, too." She paused. "Or so I thought. But the truth is that everything you just heard is a lie. A lie perpetrated by one person, and one person only." She flipped the chalkboard around, pointing to the large picture in the center on the other side of the board. "The legendary 'Prince Shotoku', Toyosatomimi no Miko. "People, Miko is the real threat to Gensokyo. She framed Kanako to keep attention focused away from her. That kappa who pointed out the inconsistency in the Yatagarasu story? A plant, paid of by Miko to throw me off, distract me from the true threat. But don't take my word for it. If you just take what I say as gospel, you're an idiot. Look at the facts." Aya stepped over to the second board, which had pictures of Miko and her followers, as well as one of Byakuren. She pointed to Miko's picture. "Fact: Miko, a follower of Taoism, was responsible for the spread of Buddhism. Which means she's not above big-time deception and manipulation." She pointed to Byakuren's picture. "Fact: Byakuren's supposedly a Buddhist. But fact: we've already established that Byakuren's a liar. And fact: Byakuren's aiding people without any expectation of compensation. That's socialism, and we all know why that's bad." She pointed to a picture of Seiga. "Fact: Seiga Kaku is a wicked hermit. Fact: She was Miko's teacher. Which means, naturally, that Miko was corrupted by Seiga during her education." Aya then indicated the picture of Yoshika, which was below Seiga's. "Fact: Seiga made and commands the jiang-shi Yoshika Miyako. Fact: jiang-shi, being dead bodies, are easily controled, even when leaving the original mind intact. Their bodies can be freely altered to whatever standard one wants. And they can't die, as they're already dead. Not only are they the perfect soldiers, they can make more simply by biting their victims when killing them. An army of jiang-shi could turn the entire world into them, into one person's ideal." She taped a picture of Hitler over the picture of Seiga. "Seiga Kaku is the mastermind," Aya said, "the one behind even Miko's actions. She's working through them, and if she isn't stopped, she'll take over. And I don't want to... to see that..." She fought back tears. "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I... I just love Gensokyo so much, and I don't want to see it lost. So please, people. Don't let Seiga win." ------------------------------------------- More Glenn Beck Aya. And this time, there's no denying it fits the contest theme. |
| Sect:
In the middle of writing this, I had the sudden idea of Akyuu doing a "Rest of the Story" segment with somewhat skewed facts. orz -and her decapitated head was found in the elevator shaft. Authorities are currently questioning why the princess installed an elevator in the first place, since Eientei is a two story building. GPR News will follow this story as details emerge. Top story: The riot at last night's concert was quelled by peace keeping officials, but only after the concert was completely disrupted and property was damaged. Initial reports were confused as to the cause of the riot, but GPR News managed to construct an accurate accounting. Last night was the first scheduled performance of the new punk rock group "Choujuu Gigaku". They had been conducting impromptu concerts late at night over the last month, disturbing the peace and rest of the Human Village. Village representative Keine Kamishirasawa headbutted the two youkai, citing that the noisiness was keeping everyone awake and riling up youkai. She then helped the two band members organize a concert further away from the village, closer to Youkai Mountain. Many youkai attended, as well as several young humans, and creatures from Youkai Mountain attended as well, attracted by the loud sounds. It seemed that the choice of venue for the concert was poorly situated, though, since the sounds of the youkai's "singing" entered a cavern and ended up attracting the notice of many underground youkai. Many oni ended up emerging from the caves and joining the concert. An interviewed oni stated that "we heard there was a ruckus going on, so we invited ourselves!" An hour after the oni arrived to the concert, the riot began. Reports are unsure what was the cause of the riot, though many of the witnesses blame the oni for causing the riot. The most prominent story reported as to why the oni started the riot was because concession vendors had ran out of "good" liquor and only had beers from the land known as "Rice Country". The oni, enraged by the foul tasting alcohol, ended up charging into the crowd and started a brawl. Other reports include the oni being served beans, kappa claiming that the oni were "rock humping liars", and someone casually suggesting in the presence of a group of oni that legendary figure Momotarou "was a pretty cool guy". The black dressed youkai running concessions that night denied all of the stories, though she could not offer a reason why the oni rioted due to a medical condition that caused her to giggle spontaneously. GPR News interviewed a prominent oni at her temporary residence in Bhava-Agra to get their side of the story. "No no no! You got it all wrong! See, what really happened - oh, your cup is empty, here ya go - what really happened is that those guys were getting real pumped by those girls, ya know? It was a real good party, really noisy and all that. So, what they did was - hey now, it's empty again, drink up - they decided they wanted to dance, but there was too many people, yanno? So, so w- I mean they - woah, you're suckin' it down, have some more! - so they decided they wanted to do this human dance that they do at parties and such. I think they called it a, uh... 'mosh pit'?" Our GPR News correspondent was unable to continue the interview at that time, due to memory problems and headaches. A tengu news agency had a different spin on the concert, though. "Sure, the oni were the ones who started the mess, but it wasn't their fault! You know who was responsible? That band, 'Chou Anigakuki' or whatever it was. They were really pushing the bounds of youkai decency, much less human decency! That puppy eared girl was shouting the most vulgar and inciteful things, and then the sparrow girl joined her, gettin' all close to her and all! That's when the two of them started doing lavicious things to each other, right on stage! Dancing and rubbing and touching and even more crude things! No wonder those oni rioted, what with their blood boiling! "That's why people have to not watch that band perform! They're a completely unwholesome duo! Not safe for work or family, not like the Prismriver Band, no sir! That there is a good, wholesome band with good music and songs, not like that trouble starting bunch of shrieking hoodlums. Just think of the children!" "Choujuu Gigaku" band member Mystia Lorelei, who is a local shop owner, had this to say in response: "Give me a break. So what if some girls got riled up at the concert? They had a lot of fun, didn't they? No need to lie about me and Kyouko. I mean, they're tengu, they're the biggest horndogs around! Also, the Prismrivers are a bunch of hacks." Her partner, Buddhist nun and groundskeeper Kyouko Yasodani, echoed Miss Lorelei's sentiments. No matter the cause of the riots, it shook the landscape until peace keeping elements came and neutralized everyone with danmaku. Even the ones not fighting. No official press release has been given thus far by the youkai exterminator responsible. Sources close to the person in question indicate that the exterminator was "irritated about the youkai causing a noise while she was trying to sleep" and that she "wanted the youkai off her lawn" so that she could "feed all the cats she had collected since she'd never get a-". The source was then pursued by a giant yin-yang orb. Gensokyo Public Radio will return after these messages... |
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