~Hakurei Shrine~ > Patchouli's Scarlet Library

Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures (and other short stories)

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Alfred F. Jones: Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures A crime against humanity A comedy. Before we begin, a historical note. Once upon a time, I was writing the first few installments of The White Rose of Chireiden (also known as Satori Eye Z). However, the content of that fic is fairly... shall we say, dramatic and depressing (Spoiler: It gets worse. You have no idea). It's quite a difficult story to write, even now. At random intervals while writing it, I had ideas for silly stories and fun jokes, but they would have been completely out-of-place in a story like Satori Eye Z. Also, I suffered from the occasional writer's block like I am now. This fic was created as a response to that. Written in those periods of time when I didn't want to be serious or melodramatic, it was originally intended as a companion story to Satori Eye Z to prevent people from getting too depressed-- kind of like an omake. However, it has since become a large enough story in its own right. And as such, I have given it its very own thread. WARNING: These are by no means serious fiction pieces. Any seriousness involved is purely coincidental. Authors' fetishes are shamelessly catered to, crack couples established as perfectly reasonable, stupid characters like Remilia assassinated ('cause let's face it, she really does deserve to be shot with a machine gun and then run over by a two-ton semi. Twice) and general liberties taken with the laws of physics and space-time. PC-98 coexists with Windows, universes collide, and food is eaten with delicious abandon. Questions are asked and never answered, threats are made, and Sanae's miracles frequently bring entire casts back from the dead. Touhou characters settle grudges by playing Melty Blood Actress Again, Yuka's singing is horrible, and other such blasphemies. Etc. I think you get the idea. Here we go then. And to quote Ranma, "I'm really sorry about this." ----- Story 1: Kazami Yuka no Yuutsuho Story 2: Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell Story 3: Lotus LAN Story Story 3.5: Some... Halloween thing Story 3.5.5: The J-Team Story 3.5.5.whatever: Unidentified Pimpin' Object And some more to come if I ever pick this series up again :V

Alfred F. Jones: Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures Story 1: Kazami Yuka no Yuutsuho Note: This story does not actually have any Utsuho. lol false advertising It was a dark, peaceful glade. Crystal trees chimed softly under the sunny sky. Beyond the edge of the glade, magnificent, grand sunflowers stretched out for miles upon miles, greeting the sun with their cheery yellow faces. Birds chirped and sang happily, fluttering all over the field, accompanied by hummingbirds and bees. The sky was bright blue and a breeze blew over the entire vista. An inviting summer day. From this glade emerged two young women. Both were blondes, but one had short blonde hair and was wearing a long red dress and a white summer hat, as well as an immense scythe seemingly wound around her body. The other, a bit shorter than her companion though she had longer hair, wore a black skirt and a white button-up blouse, though she had an odd umbrella of sorts over her head. As the two stepped further and further into the light, it became evident that the umbrella was in fact two large vampire wings over her head. Kurumi hissed at the sun. "Elly, you know I don't get along with the daylight." "Pipe down," Elly said, laughing. "You'll be fine. See, there's Mugenkan way out there. See it? Just on the horizon?" Despite the oppressive sunlight and heat, Kurumi had to smile as well. "Yes... we're almost home, Elly!" Her companion cheered. "Whoo-hoo! Finally, we'll get to see Yukarin agai--" It was then that a tremendous rustling broke out. The birds all began to hoot and start rushing at the glade. Startled, the two women reflexively got into a fighting position. Kurumi instinctively readied her claws, and Elly kept one hand on her scythe. "What's going on?" Kurumi asked Elly in a low voice. "I don't know," was all Elly managed to get out before they heard it. "It" was a horrible screeching sound, a crime -- no, a sin, and an abominable one at that -- against the very nature of sound itself. It pierced the air, shattering it into a million pieces, zooming across the fields from its source. It was high-pitched and rapid, lacking all sort of rhythm and style; indeed, whether or not it was music was a question that ought not have been applied to that shriek, as it was an insult to the good name of music everywhere. It was a screech, cutting and painful. As it rolled across the fields, hummingbirds' songs died in their throats and they died, not knowing what it was that had claimed their lives. Bees dropped like flies, their life sucked out of them. As it moved, it killed off small mammals in the field, instantly ended the life of millions of blades of grass, withered entire acres of sunflowers, and met Kurumi and Elly-- Kurumi screamed, dropping to the ground almost instantly, holding her ears as tightly as she could until her knuckles turned white. Her scream of pure agony was drowned out by the abomination, and she writhed on the floor, twitching madly and crying, praying, pleading for the torment to end and take her life already. Elly did not do any better. She collapsed to the ground slowly, covering her ears as well, her eyes scrunched against the sound. She wailed, convulsing on the ground, screaming. She felt the sound penetrate to the very center of her being, cutting, piercing, sparing nothing in its quest to kill her-- After what seemed like an eternity, Elly opened her eyes. She blinked, blinking away the red in her version. She slowly sat up, looking around. She surveyed the torn and blasted landscape; everything was brown and withered. The earth was dry and withered, and even the glade behind her seemed to have been shredded apart, the trees on the outernmost edge rotted and falling over. The breeze had died, and even the sunlight seemed to have dimmed slightly. Next to her, Kurumi lay, trembling fitfully and still letting out low moans. Her skin was pale and it seemed as if her skirt had been bleached, as it was now almost a light purple. Somewhere in Elly's mind, it occurred to her that they would both look really good in sailor suits. She put it down to post-traumatic stress and turned to Kurumi, shaking her shoulder gently. "Kurumi. Kurumi. Kurumi, wake up." "... is it over?" Kurumi asked in a weak, tiny voice. "... it's over," Elly gasped out, her voice sounding raspy and withered, as if she hadn't used it in years. She pulled Kurumi up to a sitting position; the young vampire girl held herself as if she had been violated. Truth be told, that was how Elly felt as well. "What was that?" the scythe-wielder asked aloud, but Kurumi only broke out into a new set of convulsions. "That sound... that sound," she gasped to herself as she shook violently. "Calm down, Kurumi," Elly pleaded. "It's over. It's over." Kurumi nodded dumbly. Her companion slowly got to her feet, her legs shaking. She pulled herself up with the help of her scythe, then extended her hand to the shaking Kurumi, who took it. "... the land," was all the vampire was able to say. Elly nodded. Before them, the land was renewing itself at a frighteningly fast pace. Already, new shoots were breaking through the previously barren earth, and slowly the field creatures began to return, much to the two women's amazement. "... Yukarin is still alive," Elly concluded. She laughed, relieved. "It's the only explanation!" "How can she live with that... horror?" Kurumi asked quietly. "I don't know-- maybe it's a youkai? Maybe Yuka is fighting-- Kurumi! I think she needs our help!" Kurumi nodded, her face still pale. Elly held out her hand, and Kurumi took it. The two ran into the field together. ----- "How long do you think this has been going on?!" Kurumi asked, feeling better now that she had a breeze blowing in her face. "How can Yukarin live through this?!" "We have no way of knowing!" her companion responded. "The grass grows back so quickly. Yuka is still alive and well, I think--" "ELLY!" Kurumi suddenly stopped in her tracks, holding her friend's hand and stopping her from moving any further. "No! NO!" Elly screamed. "Kurumi, if we get caught out here, if that sound happens again, we'll di--" The vampire responded by releasing Elly's hand and kneeling down. There, hidden amongst the new sunflower shoots, was a blue-haired girl, her clothing immensely dirty, almost burnt, her hair matted and muddy, a shapeless purple rod clutched in her right hand. Kurumi pulled her out and turned her over to face the sky as Elly watched her-- and then realized who it was. "Is that... Yuka's concubine?" Elly asked. "What HAPPENED to her?!" Faced with the sun, Kogasa Tatara slowly opened her eyes and began to gasp. "Kogasa," Kurumi began, but was halted by Kogasa suddenly reaching up and pulling her down by her shirt collar. Now Kurumi's face was so close to Kogasa's that she could feel her strained, raspy breath on her face. But Kogasa's eyes didn't even see Kurumi; they stared elsewhere, into space. "What happened, Kogasa?" Elly asked, dropping to her knees and kneeling over the karakasa. "Kogasa! Where's Yuuka?" At the sound of Yuuka's name, Kogasa's head turned to Elly, and her eyes were suddenly full of terror. She moved her lips, but no sound came out. Kurumi leaned in her ear, trying to hear, but Kogasa really could not speak anymore. "Kogasa, what happened to Yuuka?" Elly begged again. "KOGASA!" And it was then that Kogasa cried out in a whisper, at some image only she could see-- she cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath: "The horror! The horror!" Kurumi felt a sob in her throat as she felt Kogasa's deathgrip on her shirt weaken and die off. She caught her falling arm and lay it gently down on the karakasa's chest. Elly had turned several shades paler watching. Kurumi slowly got to her feet. "Should we go any further?" she asked tentatively. Elly seemed frozen in place. "Elly? Elly?" Elly blinked, looking at Kurumi. "I... Kurumi, I..." "Yes?" "... why do I suddenly want to wear a sailor fuku?" Before Kurumi could respond, the air hissed as it was offensively cut into pieces by the sound again. Rolling over the hills, killing every sunflower in its path-- Kurumi was barely able to get out a gasp of horror before the sound hit her and Elly, this time as close as if it was right next to them-- And several minutes later, nothing living remained in the field. ----- Several miles away, glass broke and the earth trembled. Screaming, and then "MUSOU FUJIN!" But the dull roar of thousands of demons and spirits breaking free overpowered it. Roaring, Reimu Hakurei burst out of the Hakurei Shrine, which had spontaneously burst into flame. She was dual-wielding two gohei and holding an entire sheaf of spellcards under her left arm. "THAT SOUND! THAT SOUND!" she yelled, and marched off into the night to put an end to the abomination. In Reimu's mind, the terrifying shape of a sailor fuku began to grow... ----- A few minutes earlier Yuka bounced up and down on the sofa in her basement as she waited for her new karaoke system to load the new song, her red-and-white checkered sailor uniform fluttering up and down as she did so. Only a few minutes ago, her karaoke machine had burst into flames as she had played the Lucky Star opening theme on it. She had worn it out, forcing it to replay endlessly as she had her fill of dancing and doing all of Konata's moves. Now, though, it was fixed. And it was ready to go again. "How about the Hare Hare Yukai this time?" Yuka asked herself cheerfully as the CD began to play. END Thanks to FAV for suggesting the Lucky Star opening song as "the most horrible, high-pitched teenybopper teenage Japanese girl-esque song imaginable". (And yes, Kogasa's last words are flagrantly ripped off from Heart of Darkness. Google it!)

Alfred F. Jones: Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures Story 2: Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell Why Yuka agreed to let Elly go to the TA meeting, she didn't figure out until a while later. Kurumi had watched why Elly had been driven to drink. She had been part of it herself. After both of them had respawned the last time Yuka's horrible, genocide-inducing singing had been set loose on Gensokyo, they had promptly had their asses kicked by the black-white witch and the red-white miko. Then, after the miko had gone on alone to destroy Yuka's karaoke set and bring peace to the land, Yuka had gone out to the fields to sing, where all the plants withered, died, then almost instantaneously revived thanks to Yuka's immensely strong affinity for them. So that meant that only those people within hearing distance were still continually affected by Yuka's singing. And this, unfortunately, included Elly, Yuka's faithful attendant. Having to hear Yuka sing would drive anyone to drink, Kurumi realized belatedly. Kurumi was Yuka's servant in charge of maintaining the local Lake of Blood brimming. Kurumi didn't mind; she was a vampire, after all. She liked it. But she realized later that this meant that she spent quite a bit of time away from her dear Elly, and that without Kurumi's companionship, Elly had drowned her miseries in the bottle. She should have figured it out that first day after they had recovered, when Elly had run to the Lake of Blood and held on to Kurumi tightly. "She's singing!" Elly wailed. "'HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE! WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY!' And there was this bunch of groundhogs near her feet that just died when she started... and now she's singing MOU IKKAI, KURUMI! MOU IKKAI!" "Shhh," Kurumi said soothingly, rubbing Elly's heaving back. "Shh, just go back to her..." "MOU IKKAI! MOU IKKAI!" "Yes, yes, I know. But won't Yuka get lonely out there without you, Elly?" Elly lifted her head from Kurumi's chest where she had collapsed. "Yu... I can't leave her alone..." "Exactly," Kurumi said reassuringly, hoping she had said the right thing. "Now go back to your master." As it turned out, Kurumi's words had been the straw that broke the camel's back. Faced with her agony over Yuka's awful singing, and trapped by her guilt at escaping from Yuka, she was forced to find something to drown out the news. And it seemed that she had chosen alcohol. Sweet sake, specifically, which was something like getting drunk off of apple cider. Elly had terrible tolerance. Still, Kurumi wanted to know why Elly had been sent away, this night of all nights (and maybe as a side note, what "TA" even stood for). She was usually lounging around in front of the main gate to Mugenkan now, lying on the ground and generally acting like a slothful, lazy bum. But tonight was the night Kurumi had been planning to take Elly out on a (romantic, maybe?) boat ride on the moonlit Lake of Blood and, while trapped on the lake, conduct an alcohol intervention. Kurumi knew that alcoholism was Gensokyo's primary vice, but she was hoping that Elly would turn from that path. Her Elly was sweet, kind, and sober; this Elly was a sleazy, sleepy bum. And Kurumi didn't want that for her. So the young vampire made her way through the halls of Mugenkan. She emerged from her room in the northernmost part of the mansion, and fluttered her way over to Yuka's room, trying not to make a sound. As she got closer, she realized it didn't matter. All sorts of dead creatures were piled up outside Yuka's door; she could tell, because a horrible wailing sound was coming from within, killing plants and small animals in the immediate radius of three meters. Kurumi winced. She didn't want to respawn again. So, biting her tongue, she turned around and turned the corner-- And was bowled over by Yuka's concubine/pet, Kogasa Tatara. Kogasa landed heavily on top of Kurumi; Kurumi winced slightly. Not so much at Kogasa's weight, but rather, the weight of that huge umbrella she was always carrying. Kurumi knocked its tongue away from her face with a swipe of her hand, and came face-to-face with the karakasa, who smelled vaguely like a fresh spring breeze. Kurumi blinked; the karakasa blushed faintly, noting their awkward position. "Sorry, I was trying to surprise Yuka, and it seems like I surprised you instead," Kogasa said apologetically, crawling off of Kurumi and getting up. Kurumi grunted, trying to hide her blush. For a moment there, she had been wondering what it would have been like if Elly had been on top inst-- "YES! I need your help, Kogasa!" she said hurriedly, trying to clear her head of certain fantasies. She clutched Kogasa's hand tightly. "Tell me, Kogasa, do you know anything about a group called 'TA'?" Kogasa looked more surprised than even Kurumi had been earlier. "Eh! I dunno. Ta... tara... no, that can't be it..." Kurumi scrounged her memories for any sort of scrap of information. "I think they meet in, eh... Hakugyokurou Manor? I think." "Oh, that TA?" Kogasa responded happily. "TA of Hakugyokurou and Mayohiga! Yes, I know what you're talking about. That's 'Temperance Anonymous'." "Temper... what?" Kurumi tilted her head to the side. "Temperance, as in, not drinking and staying sober?" The karakasa nodded. "Exactly." "Ah! So they're going to get rid of Elly's drinking habit?!" Kurumi asked excitedly, her wings unfurling and standing on end with the thrill. "They're going to convince Elly that drinking is bad!" "Eh... not exactly," Kogasa responded sheepishly, scratching her head. "What do you mean, 'not exactly'?" the vampire asked, confused. "They're devoted to temperanc--" "Temperance Anonymous is an organization devoted to MAKING alcoholics," Kogasa explained. "Not getting them off the habit." Kurumi turned her head slowly to Kogasa. ".... what." Kogasa gulped. Within a second, Kurumi was racing down the hallway and out the main entrance to Mugenkan, zooming across the Lake of Blood that separated Mugenkan from the rest of Gensokyo, determined to hunt Elly down before anyone got to her. ----- But she was outnumbered. Of course. Hakugyokurou was an alcoholic stronghold, stocked to the brim with fabulously expensive wines, beers, sake bottles, and other alcoholic beverages, most of them "borrowed" from beyond the barrier by none other than Yakumo Yukari herself. At the insistence of Saigyouji Yuyuko, the sweet (and hard-drinking) princess of the netherworld, her (disgusted) servant Konpaku Youmu had built a treehouse in the boughs of the immense Saigyou Ayakashi, called the Saigyou Brewery. A "treehouse" for Yuyuko was no mere ordinary mortal treehouse; the treehouse, if it could be called that, was a huge, arrogantly palatial western-style house in and of itself, sealed firmly within the unshaking branches of the immense Saigyou. As such, it was stocked with everything, such as an open-air onsen (warmed by the hot springs near the Hakurei Shrine, redirected courtesy of Yakumo Yukari), a pool table, a basketball court, and a fully stocked bar, packed to its fullest with alcohol. Elly slammed down the shot of vodka and crashed the glass onto the bar in front of her. "Giv' me 'nother." Her words slurred together, making it hard for anyone to understand her. The one remaining sober person in the entire establishment glared down at her. "I think you've had enough," Youmu objected, anger evident in her voice, although it was probably because she was being forced to serve as the bartender. "Elly, this is stupid. No one should ever drink seventeen shots of vodka in one night, much less consecutively." "Oh, be quiet, Youuuuuuuuumuu-tan!" Yuyuko said cheerfully, twirling around Youmu on the bartender's side of the bar. "SERVE 'ER ANOTHER!" she laughed uproariously, raising her glass of second-century Roman wine to Elly. Youmu groaned but did what she was told, serving Elly another shot. Yuyuko hopped over the bar easily and sat down next to Elly, who promptly leaned on the ghostly lady. "So, Elly, what brings you to the TA meetin' today?" Yuyuko asked, her words also slurred. Behind them, a small crowd gathered around Cirno as she had a drink-off with Suika, trying to see who could get to a 99% blood alcohol concentration first, Hoshiguma Yuugi and the Prismrivers were laughing uproariously at the drunken pole dancing of Shikieiki Yamaxanadu and Reiuzi Utsuho, and a completely smashed Komeiji Satori was telling bad ghost stories to the equally smashed Scarlet Devil Mansion group, who was dying of laughter while Aya sat to one side and took notes for the Bunbunmaru Newspaper on beerstained cocktail napkins. In one of the corners of the room, Kumoi Ichirin, Yagokoro Eirin, and Kamishirasawa Keine held a pseudo-intellectual discussion while Fujiwara no Mokou and Houraisan Kaguya sloppily made out, egged on by a drunken Gengetsu and a completely naked Yakumo Ran, and in another corner, Unzan was molesting Myon as Shinki and the rest of the Makai-ites looked on, laughing. In front of her, Youmu twitched madly, alternating between a lustful gaze and homicidal anger. Elly blinked slowly, then downed her eighteenth shot. "ANOTHER ROUND!" Yuyuko called out cheerfully, but Youmu was no longer there, having excused herself to run to her bedroom just seconds before. Elly had noticed with her slow gaze that Youmu had quickly been swallowed up by a sudden gap that had appeared out of nowhere, but paid it no mind; Yuyuko hadn't even noticed. Instead, in Youmu's absence, Yuyuko simply phased through the bar and grabbed bottles off the shelves at random, not knowing or caring what they were, and set them on the counter in front of them. Elly took hold of a bottle of Phoenician Elixir ("Guaranteed to make you feel like a conqueror!") and downed the whole flagon in seconds, then turned and did the same thing with a Ming-dynasty bottle of rice wine. Yuyuko looked on approvingly as she drank from her own bottle of Vatican Wine, circa 1400. "I wasss sent hear bah... Yuuka," Elly drawled. She reached out for another bottle and, missing it, knocked over a glass of sixth-century tequila. It spilled all over her. She didn't notice. "She mahde me get all smashed... imma blow up 'er mansion..." "Tee-hee~" Yuyuko giggled absently, finishing the Vatican wine and moving on to drinking an ultra-rare beer left behind by Ivan the Terrible; there were only eighteen bottles in all of existence. Yuyuko glugged it down, burped, and moved on to a flask of wine stolen from the tomb of a Mayan emperor. "Eh, don' matter, just have fun!" she cheered, raising her bottle to the air. She was losing her grip on her semi-corporeal self, so it wasn't entirely unexpected when she dropped the wine bottle and caught it in her abdomen as she semi-solidified once more. Yuyuko giggled again and fell off her stool. Youmu would have been pleased to know that her sleeping potion had worked, but unfortunately she was not around to see it. Elly lazily cast her glance over this and took a long swig of Yuyuko's Mayan Mix. "Ah wonder wherea... where Kurumi izz," she muttered. "Drinkin' alcohol makes ya sekushii." And then she vomited. ----- And so Kurumi set out to Hakugyokurou. The only problem was, she didn't know how to get there. "... I should have remembered to bring a map," Kurumi muttered as she wandered around Gensokyo after leaving the flower fields of Mugenkan. Out of desperation, she scrounged her pockets, but all she could find was some loose change and a spare key to the Mugenkan secret lust room (stolen from a random fairy while she wasn't looking, out of curiousity). "Seriously, how am I supposed to find my way to the Netherworld like this?" She wished Elly were with her. Elly would have been smart enough to bring a map, and clever enough to make her way to Hakugyokurou without help. But how would she do it? Elly wasn't around. So now Kurumi had to figure it out on her own. "Nnnnnnnnrgh," Kurumi moaned, putting her hands on her head and frowning. "I'm not smart enough for this kind of stuff!" She sat down on a rock in the middle of a forest path and tried to think. "TA... they would need a lot of alcohol. A lot. Where does alcohol come from? Who in Gensokyo makes alcohol? Everyone. Well, who makes alcohol in mass quantities? " Kurumi sat upright, realizing. "Suika, Hakurei Shrine. Hell, their very name is an alcoholic drink!" ----- "Sure, I know where Hakugyokurou is," Reimu said, hunkered down in an irate crouch on the patio of Hakurei Shrine, sipping angrily from a cup of tea. "You do?!" Kurumi exclaimed happily, her wings flapping with happiness. "And even where TA is. Hell, I was one of the motherfucking founding members." She took another swig. "Not that that means a fucking thing to them. Fucking assholes. I fucking found their motherfucking alcoholic den and they don't even invite me to the fucking meetings? What the fuck?" ----- About two days ago Youmu was sitting in her room, penning out the last of the invitations for the TA meeting in two days with lovely her calligraphy. Suddenly, a giggle. Youmu turned around. "Yuyuko-sama?" she asked, just as a gloved hand emerged from a gap and held her arm tightly. Youmu almost panicked, at which point she saw Yuyuko standing in her doorway. But she had a mischievous gleam in her eye. "All righty, Yukari~n, take her away!" Yuyuko laughed, and instantly, Youmu was whisked off into a gap. Yuyuko followed. She and Yukari would have fun tonight. The forgotten invitation floated away on the breezes of Hakugyokurou. ----- "Fuck 'em," Reimu snarled. Kurumi swallowed. She would be in for more of this verbal filth when she got Elly on withdrawal, she realized. But Elly was worth it. Kurumi steeled herself and stood up straight. "Could you take me there?" Kurumi asked. "I have business in Hakugyokurou's TA meeting!" "Fuck no," Reimu sneered. "Fucking ungrateful bitches. I'm not gonna go all the way there just to ask for fucking PERMISSION to go to my own fucking club's meeting!" "I have money," Kurumi said hopefully. "Let's go," Reimu commanded as she pulled Kurumi by her sleeve, and then yanked her upwards and into the sky. ----- Three stages, one declaration of "SPRING!", and several hundred dead fairies later "So, uh... let us in," Reimu said, her clothes slightly torn. "Yeah, sure," Lunasa replied. "You know, it's that. Around here, when the season changes, the atmospheric pressure... uh, lowers." "... you're not actually paying attention to what we're saying, are you," Kurumi said dimly, her clothing still smoking from an earlier encounter with Lily White. "Nobody's telling you to go home," Lunasa continued, seemingly not noticing. "I just meant that there are ascending air currents, you see." "She isn't paying attention at all," Reimu said to Kurumi, sighing. Lunasa was standing. Atop one of the pillars before the gates of Hakugyokurou, a bridge of sorts had been hastily erected atop the two closest to the gate, bridging the gap between them. That was where Lunasa now stood, frozen and sounding vaguely mechanical. "What is she doing?" Kurumi asked. "You're hurrying too much, sister," Lyrica's voice said, because all of a sudden Kurumi began to doubt that it was actually Lyrica. Two cardboard cutouts of the remaining Prismriver Sisters began to wheel out to the center of the bridge from each pillar they had been hiding behind. They clunked into place beside Lunasa, who kept droning on as if she were actually there. Reimu smirked. "I always said I thought the Prismrivers were two-dimensional villains, but this is ridiculous." "And who is thaERROR," Merlin's cardboard cutout screamed. "Eh?" Reimu asked. "An ascending air current," Lunasa responded mechanically. "Wait," Kurumi murmured. "Our natural enemy!" Lyrica exclaimed, woodenly raising a hinged cardboard arm. "Must have just been my imagination," Reimu said, turning her back on the cardboard cutouts of the Prismrivers as Lyrica babbled on, her cardboard figure wobbling slightly in the wind. BGM: ZUN - Phantom Ensemble - 320 kbps "Oh, nice music change," Kurumi observed. "Excellent subwoofers." "I wish my shrine could do that," Reimu said sadly. Just then-- "There will be a ERROR - CORE DUMP--" Merlin's recording screeched. "What?!" Reimu demanded, turning around. "I *knew* I heard that correctly!" "speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage four--') ERROR, CORE DUMP," Merlin's recording screamed. "She's spouting gibberish!" Kurumi said. "ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR-- speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage four@$@$five@$@$six@#$@#ext$@$@pha#$@$-')" Merlin's cardboard cutout suddenly burst into flames. "You, however, have no instrument," Lunasa's recording droned on, oblivious. "SYNTAX ERROR ERROR ERRO---speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage f--ph@#@#a@$@$@#nt@$a@#@#$s-')!" Merlin cried in a badly modulated voice, her odd, jerky movements starting to actually worry Kurumi. The fire spread to Lunasa, and then to Lyrica. "INIT DEBUG INTERPOLATE RECOMPILE speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage pha--') REBOOT" Merlin spat out, before stopping cold for a moment, eyes closed. "All right... I know Lunasa and Lyrica are just cutouts... but that doesn't look like a cutout to me," she said nervously, pointing at the small mecha in Merlin's guise. "It isn't," Kurumi gasped. Suddenly, the robot's eyes flew open. They were glowing red. She resumed her former position as if nothing had happened. A twisted grin crossed Mecha-Merlin's face. She pointed imperiously at Reimu. "Hah! Sorry, I won't be letting you through! Welcome to PCB PHANTASM, Hakurei!" "SHIT!" Reimu screamed, pushing Kurumi out of the way as fast as she could. "QUICK! Over the gate or we're doomed!" "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mecha-Merlin screeched as an enormous blue laser materialized in her hand. Her deranged grin widened. "DISREGARD EVERYTHING I JUST SAID! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" She swung the laser around as a sword and blocked Kurumi's passage. But pushed fowards by inertia, Kurumi was going to run right into it-- At the last moment, Reimu let go of Kurumi and slid slightly underneath her, aiming as best she could-- "Hakurei KICK!" she declared, using one of her lesser-known spellcards from SWR. Kurumi went sailing over Mecha-Merupo-Merlin-whatevertheheckshewas' laser and the gate to Hakugyokurou as well. "Reimuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Kurumi yelled back, her wings finding purchase in the air as she fluttered above the gate. "Come ooonnn!" Reimu looked at Mecharupo's crazed blue grin, at Kurumi, then back again at the blue laser sword. "... nah," she said, waving Kurumi away. "This looks like a lot more fun!" "O--okay! If you s-- say so!" Kurumi stammered, turning around and flying off. She didn't like leaving a friend behind like this, but if that was what she wanted, then what choice did she have? Besides, she remembered. She had to find Elly... "KURUMI!" Reimu screamed one last time. "WHAT?!" Kurumi yelled back. "THE TA MEETING IS IN THE HUGE TREE!" Reimu finished, flexing her arms. "Ye-- YES!" Kurumi replied as she zoomed up the stairs. For her part, the Hakurei maiden turned to see her opponent, an almost hungry grin on her face. "YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!" Mecharupo screeched as she swung her blue laser sword down at Reimu. "Hoo boy," Reimu exhaled, pulling out some spellcards from her back pockets. This was going to be the most fun she had had in a while. ----- Kurumi flew her way up the long stairs, not encountering much hostility except for some token resistance from a few of the guardian spirits. She wondered vaguely where everyone had gone, and more importantly, how long these stairs took. "I wonder how Reimu is doing?" Kurumi muttered to herself. ----- "Starcraft 「MY LIFE FOR AIUR」!" "THAT'S UNDODGEABLE DANMAKU, YOU STUPID ROBOT!" ----- "Eh, she'll be fine." Kurumi shrugged and went on her way. ----- To be continued

Alfred F. Jones: Story 2: Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell (continued) ----- In Hakugyokurou, Elly still hadn't passed out. For some reason. Mokou was sprawled out on the table next to her, after having gotten in a drunken barfight with Kaguya. Elly took a slow sip of her 1202 Aquitainean wine while she watched, then realized she had run out. "Hey, Momi," she said woozily. The wolf tengu turned towards her; as the only other sober person in the room, she had been forced at tengu leaf-point to serve the drinks after Youmu had been whisked away by Yukari for some 'fun'. "Hit me." Momizi sent a cold frothy beer down Elly's way. She slid one across the bar towards Mokou, but it bounced off the head of the unconscious immortal phoenix girl, who was slumped over on the counter, drooling slightly. Elly turned around and watched Wriggle pole-dancing for a bit, then turned back around and regarded Momizi, who was sipping some vodka, but not to the point that she was outright stone drunk. "... ey, arentya suppos'd to be sober?" "I am sober," Momizi replied, taking another sip and licking her lips. "It's a Tengu secret." "Secret, my ass," Elly said dismissively, taking another swig of her beer. "Lies an' bullshit." "That's not true!" Momizi objected, frowning. "Look, I'll prove it to you!" She reached into her shirt and pulled out a small pouch. From this pouch, she pulled out a small green leaf. "I have a good friend, a wanderer Tengu, who brings me limited shipments of these once a year from some really remote holy place called 'Sakurasaki Shrine'. She doesn't let word of them get out because the local miko and her robot maid friend would kill her.* But this thing will get you sober right quick." *Now that they're not allowed to work out their aggression by destroying spaceships and the like after the events of Ban Shi Ryuu, Hirano Sakurasaki and VIVIT have been forced to get new jobs to pay for all the damage they've done to the shrine with their ridiculous Dragonball Z training methods. "Heh," Elly said. "Is this another load of bullshit like that Hourai Elixir thing a while back?" "Naw, man," Momizi replied. "This is the shit." "This better not give me poison ivy on my tongue or something," Elly said, taking the leaf and popping it into her mouth, crunching it experimentally. "Doesn't taste like much," she said, swallowing. The next instant, her eyes bugged out of her head as her head became clear and her fatigue vanished. "Man!" Elly said. "It made me sober again!" "That's the Tengu's interest in them," Momizi said. "Now people can get plastered over and over again with no ill effects. The Tengu will be millionaires." "Well, let's test that theory!" Elly said with an evil glint in her eye. "Toss me another brewski, chief!" TWELVE MUGS LATER "Wow, this room is like... filled with weird gravity," Elly said woozily, her eyes rotating around in her skull of their own volition. "I think I'm like, ready for that leaf now." "Ahahahahaahahhahaha!~" Momizi laughed gaily as she slapped Elly on the back. "WEEEEEEEEE ARE THE PIRAAAAAAAATES! WHO DON'T DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGGG!" Elly threw her arm around Momizi, and together the two slurred their way through the barsong. "WE JUST STAY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME! AND LIE AROUNNNNNNNND! AND IF YOU ASK USSSSSSSSSSSSS-- TO DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGGG-- WE'LL JUST TELL YOUUUUUUUUU-- WE DON'T DO ANYTHING!" On the other side of the counter, the pills remained in their pouch, forgotten, as Elly got even drunker than she had been before. ----- "So... this is Hakugyokurou?" Kurumi asked herself as she stepped off the Endless Stairs and down a long cobblestone pathway, leading as far as the eye could see, to an arrogantly huge cherry blossom tree whose boughs stretched out over the entire Netherworld. "It's colossal," she breathed, and then she doubled over in pain as she coughed up sakura petals. The tree was shedding. It was like hundreds of sakura petals were being dumped on her each passing second. It was literally raining them down. She squinted as she put her hand over her eyes and attempted to navigate the sudden cherry blossom storm. After a few minutes of struggling through the increasingly high pileup of sakura petals and one instance of being caught up in a spontaneous cherry blossom tornado, Kurumi waded through the sea, stopped, coughed out sakura petals, and simply collapsed into the pink blizzard, exhausted and tired. Come on, Kurumi, she thought. You can do it. No, I can't. This is exhausting. I don't want to die here, being suffocated to death by cherry blossoms. I'm going back. You can't go back! You've come too far, Kurumi. At this point, going back would be harder than going forward. Your only choice is to press on. But I'm so... tired. Ah, I see. So are you going to let Elly alone to her fate? I never said that! That's what "I want to go back" means, Kurumi. That's not... A moment of pause, and then-- I... have to keep moving forward... That's the spirit~ I must... keep moving forward... "Keep moving on," a voice whispered on the breeze. "Eh? What was that?" Kurumi asked aloud as she looked around. She saw no one and nobody. "... was it just the wind?" The vampire shrugged and continued walking through PCB stage six, making her way to the great tree, the Saigyou Ayakashi, where Reimu had said the TA Mansion had been built. Unnoticed, Komeiji Koishi walked beside her, smiling, a single white rose tucked into the brim of her hat. ----- "An' you know I'm really powerful, man." A drunken Sanae waved her cup of sake around at the half-conscious drinkers around her. "I can make miracles happin." She hiccuped. "O ya?" asked Satori, lying on the table next to her. "Then send in a hot vampire chick, right now." Kurumi walked into the TA bar, doing her best to avoid showing any outward sign of revulsion at the sweaty smell of liquor and spirits combined with the stench of total pathetitude. "Whoa," the satori said in awe of Sanae's power before passing out. Kurumi hissed and looked around for Elly; she was sitting between Sanae and a very drunk (and very, very lewd) Komachi. Elly blinked as a wavy, odd-looking shape came walking towards her on the ceiling*, stretching out its hand. "Elly, come on." *She can't see right, Kurumi is on the ground "Closing time already?" Elly mumbled. "Man, you're a funny lookin' fairy, you know that?" She waved a bottle of prehistoric grape wine at the creature. "Control yourself," Kurumi said stiffly, pulling Elly to her feet. "You're coming with me." "Excuse me?" a calm and perfectly sober voice asked from behind Kurumi. The vampire swallowed and turned around slowly, holding up her arms. "Look, I'm sorry, but I need this girl--" In front of her, the entirely drunk Yakumo Yukari pushed her arms out of her way, gave Kurumi a sloppy kiss, and fell over in a dead faint. "... aah--" Kurumi said, involuntarily starting to cry. "That was my first kiss... I was saving it for Elly..." She began to cry harder now, tears falling down her cheeks as she realized that she had been kissed by a drunken, nigh-omnipotent youkai with vodka breath instead of her true love. Behind her was Elly, yelling and screaming, her arms flailing so much it was a wonder her frothy prehistoric wine bottle hadn't slipped from her grasp and become a dangerous projectile. Oh dear-- there went Reisen's uniform jacket. "Keep moving on," the voice in her head repeated, and Kurumi obeyed without question, much like a small girl who just had their favourite toy snapped in half in front of them by a playground bully-- and in a way, it was exactly like that. Koishi looked backwards as Kurumi made her way down one of the great boughs of the Saigyou Ayakashi, down to the ground. Her eyes widened as she saw Yuyuko's narrow-eyed stare directed straight at her. "She can see me," she breathed softly, realizing the extent of the deception as she did so. And more importantly, she was faking being drunk-- ----- Koishi had made three judgments here. But two of them were wrong. The first was that she had thought Yuyuko could see her. She could not. If Yuyuko had been concentrating, she would have seen that there was an extra spirit there next to Kurumi; if she had been paying any attention at all, she would have seen a shape forming beneath a cherry blossom coating. Overpoweredness aside, Yuyuko was still a human (albeit a dead one) and she was not immune to the effects of Koishi's virtual invisibility. And the second was that she had assumed that Yuyuko was sober. This was proven wrong a few seconds later, as, with a howl of drunken laughter, Yuyuko pressed the big red button that she wasn't supposed to press under any circumstances. The big red button, was, of course, on her bandanna. And Koishi was right to judge that Yuyuko's pressing of the Big Red Button was a Very Bad Thing. By the way, the big red button was sometimes called the "Border of Life" button. And the reason for this was about to become all too clear. ----- BGM: ZUN - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 192 kbps "Geez, I never stop being amazed at these subwoofers," Kurumi mused aloud as she waded through the cherry blossom sea, carrying Elly over her shoulders. "Our background music transitions aren't quite as good back in PC-98istan." Elly groaned. "Kurumin, put me down... I think I'm going to vomit." "You'd vomit whether or not I put you down, Elly--" BGM: Oriens - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ～ Border of Life - 245 kbps Kurumi paused. "My, this is a nice remix. Though I think their remix of The Gensokyo the Gods Loved is better... still, I'm jealous." Behind her, Elly pounded her fists feebly on Kurumi's back, and was instead simply battered away by a flap of Kurumi's big vampire wings. Next to her, a shape began to take form, outlined by a pink cherry blossom coating. BGM: ^^flandre^^ - Blooming Breeze - 320 kbps "... this is a western remix," Kurumi realized. "God DAMN I wish my theme was this popu BGM: NKZ - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life (IaMP Remix) - 320 kbps "Eh?" the vampire paused. "Isn't the bgm changing... kind of BGM: Sensitive Heart - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染めの桜 ～Border of Life 「対峙、弾幕、そして散華」- 192 kbps quickly?" She looked around, wondering what the heck was going on. Suddenly, out of the very cherry blossoms, a hand-- BGM: Sonic Hispeed Omega - Border of Life ~ The Black Cherry Blossom - 128 kbps "Kurumi!" It was a short girl, with wavy shoulder-length white hair. Kurumi wondered how she had never seen her before, and how she knew her name. "How do you BGM: TAMusic - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 320 kbps know my name?" The girl shook her head. "I'll explain later, there's no time right now! First we've got to get out of Yuyuko's Border of Life Tower Defense!" BGM: ZUN, NKZ, and Tasogare Frontier - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life (SWR Remix) - 320 kbps "Isn't that the song that keeps playing remixes all over the Netherworld?" Kurumi asked as she continued to struggle her way through the cherry blossoms. For her part, the girl jumped up and began to walk on the surface; Kurumi wished that the swirling of the sakura petals would permit her to fly out, because then this would be much easier. BGM: Alstroemeria Records - Border of Life - 320 kbps "Yes, exactly," the girl replied. "It's Yuyuko's ultimate weap BGM: UI-70 - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 192 kbps on. The stress of getting your brain's thoughts constantly interrupted by the change of rem BGM: MORRIGAN - 亡我郷、反魂蝶、その華開花すること能わず - 320 kbps ixes is designed to make invaders to the Netherworld go mad." BGM: Bitplane - CHERRY BLOSSOM GIRL - 235 kbps "Oh," Kurumi grunted. "Marvelous." BGM: Silver Forest - 蒼空に舞え、墨染の桜 - 243 kbps "Not to mention it releases hordes of hungry fl BGM: Punk Dirty Channel - rough(piano ver) - 315 kbps esh eating spirits upon any invaders." Kurumi blinked. "Wait, what?" BGM: TAMusic - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 - 320 kbps "Also known as the Saigyou Ayakashi's cherry blossoms," Koishi said, pointing at the demonic centerpiece of the gardens of Hakugyokurou. BGM: Cytokine - Outstanding Ingenious Never-Never Land - 320 kbps Kurumi looked down to stare at the cherry blossoms that she was covered in. The cherry blossoms stared back. "Aw, shit," Kurumi groaned, and then she took off running. ----- BGM: Alastroemeria Records - Eternal Rite (Switch Remix) - 180 kbps "DOES THIS NEV BGM: izmizm - Revivified Cherry Blossom - 270 kbps ER END?!" Kurumi screamed right before crashing into a tree. "IT'S CHANG BGM: OHBA - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ~ Border of Life - 145 kbps ING FASTER THAN EV BGM: MyonMyon - Shadow Shooter - 210 kbps ER! I CAN'T THIN BGM: Delights Music - Border of Life - 120 kbps K STRAIGHT AT AL-- OOF!" BGM: セブンスヘブン MAXION - 桜花輪転 - 320 kbps "Come on, don't stop!" Koishi yelled, running back for Kurumi, who had run headfirst into a tree through the thick swirling of carnivorous cherry blossoms. She pulled Kurumi to her feet, brushing off the many cherry blossoms on her shirt that were beginning to eat through the fabric. All the while, the background music had changed at least seven times, and it was giving the poor vampire a headache. BGM: Colorful Cube - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ~ Border of Life - 270 kbps The vampire fell to her knees as a deep, subharmonic wave of bass passed through her body, its waves causing her blood to ripple in her veins. BGM: Tribullets - Raving Cherry - 320 kbps While the ground around the Saigyou Ayakashi got the subtlest of mega-bass waves, the rest of the gardens (equipped with a 1500 speaker surround sound system, Velodyne speakers and sixteen hundred additional subwoofers, just for the heck of it) was so filled with the sound of remixes of Border of Life that the soundwaves could be seen rippling through the air. BGM: SOUND HOLIC - Swingin' Cherry Blossom - 325 kbps "Goddamn this music!" Kurumi screamed up at the sky. "This is torture! Will this never end?!" Around her, the cherry blossoms began to decrease in number, dwindling down. And then-- BGM: ZUN - Bad Apple!! - 128 kbps "... Eh?" Kurumi asked, taking her hands off of her ears. "That's not Border of Life... That's Bad Apple." BGM: DBU Music - Hiroari Shoots a Strange Bird ~ Mysterious Dream (Touhou Battle Gaiden remix) - 192 kbps "Heh," Koishi smirked. "Looks like Youmu took my suggestion of making the Border of Life Tower Defense into her iMyon's playlist." BGM: SSH - 六十年目の東方裁判 ~ Fate of Sixty Years - 253 kbps She turned to Kurumi, nodding firmly. "Come on, this is our chance to escape." BGM: nazz-can - 少女さとり ～ 3rd eye - 252 kbps "Yes!" Kurumi exclaimed, holding the now-fainted Elly firmly in her arms. She shook off the last remaining cherry blossoms and let them drop to the floor; it seemed that without the music, the cherry blossoms were no longer malicious-- or at least not carnivorous anymore. BGM: SOUND HOLIC - Shining Of The Moon - 128 kbps "Do you need a ride?" Kurumi asked, holding out her hand to Koishi. BGM: Alstroemeria Records - Strawberry Crisis!! - 255 kbps Koishi paused for a moment, and then took it. Kurumi swung her upwards and onto her back, marveling at how small she was, then leapt into the air and began to fly out of the great gardens of Hakugyokurou, making for the endless stairs down to the gates of the Netherworld, and then... BGM: ZUN - Break the Sabbath - 255 kbps "This Youmu has good taste," Kurumi mused as she began her flight down the endless stairs, out of the reach of Hakugyokurou's overly powerful sound system. ----- Somewhere, sometime later, Yuyuko would be punishing Youmu for this. Koishi would be watching. And she would be enjoying it. ----- Epilogue Robots are cool. No, wait, they?re beyond cool. They?re awesome. So awesome that everybody should like them. At least, that?s how Reimu felt. And now she was going to prove it. "Gentleyoukai," she said, "BEHOLD!" And with that, she pulled the white curtain off of her new masterpiece. "Is tha--" Kurumi stammered. "It is," a now-sober Elly breathed. "AWESOME, REIMU! AWESOME!" Nitori cheered. "My word," Youmu declared. "URAMESHIYA!" Kogasa screamed. "Ehehe~" Yuka giggled. It was an amalgamation of the formerly-torn apart robot maid Ruukoto, fused with pieces from a robot Reimu had come across earlier. "I shall call it... Mecharuupokoto." Reimu nodded, satisfied. "Yes. That sounds right." The Merupo x Ruukoto abomination smiled a deranged smile. Kurumi swallowed. Somewhere, Border of Life was playing. END. Special thanks to Ones for the idea for the epilogue.

Drake: ilu

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