~Hakurei Shrine~ > Patchouli's Scarlet Library

Rou's Random Shorts

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FinnKaenbyou: ?I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S.? Suika was slumped back in the co-pilot?s seat, one of her horns prodding into Yuugi?s shoulder. Her eyes were half closed, misted over as she looked out at the vast expanse of nothing outside of the ship. ?Is it space?? Yuugi said, with a quiet sigh. ?Wow, you?re good at this.? Suika?s eyes opened slightly as a cunning smirk rose to her lips. ?Alright, let?s try again. I spy-? ?Stars.? ?-Whoa.? Suika pulled her head back as far as the seat would allow. ?Yuugi, are you a mind reader or something? How come you never told me?? ?I?m not a mind reader.? Yuugi folded her arms. ?It?s just that there?s nothing else to see.? It had been a few months since the pair had left their home planet, but this was the first time Yuugi had realised just how big the galaxy really was. Distant stars twinkled at her from miles away, tiny lights that illuminated the empty blackness of the vacuum. She might have even found it poetic if she weren?t stuck in the middle of it. ?Can I fiddle with the autopilot again?? Suika asked. ?I don?t see how that?ll help.? ?It can?t get any more busted than it already is.? Yuugi shrugged. ?Sure, why not?? Suika sat herself upright, cracking her knuckles as she looked at the black rectangle prodding out of the ship?s control panel. To be honest, calling it a machine was almost a misnomer at this point - half of its mass was composed of duct tape and anything else that could serve as glue. The lights on its face would occasionally flicker, but it had long since stopped serving its original purpose. ?OK, you mish-mash of microchips.? Suika wrapped her fingers around the metal drive, giving it a firm rattle. ?Either you come back to life and send us to the nearest solar system, or I?m gonna-? Snap. The brittle machinery crumbled in Suika?s hand, pieces of scrap falling onto the floor of the ship. The small oni stared at her handiwork for a moment, eyes wide open, like a child who?d just put their guinea pig in the microwave. ?Ummmm.? She turned to Yuugi, sweat slipping down her forehead. ?Y?think our warranty covers this?? ?We don?t have warranty. We stole it, remember?? ?Oh, right.? Suika looked at the autopilot for a moment longer, then hurled the remnants of the gadget against the window. ?Aaaaah, this sucks worse than a black hole!? She slumped back into her chair again, cheeks puffed out as she curled up into a ball. Occasionally she?d break into a slew of expletives that would have made even the hardiest admiral uneasy. At one point she grabbed an empty beer can off the ground and stabbed it into her horn solely for catharsis. She?s taking it pretty well, Yuugi thought to herself. She?d reckoned her partner would have descended into madness after this long. Not from the boredom, though, or even the existential crisis of being an invisible speck on the blackboard of the universe. Suika?s concerns were much more...?down-to-earth? was the polite way of putting it. ?What?s a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?? Suika removed the pierced can from her horn, running her tongue along the sides in search of a drop of alcohol. ?I haven?t been this sober in...in...ever.? Yuugi nodded along solemnly. The oni were a race of hard drinkers. Whereas most people would feel ill after having too much to drink, the opposite was true for them. Three days without alcohol had left Yuugi feeling like she was having the worst hangover of her life, but at least she was still mostly coherent. She was lucky enough to be a lightweight by oni standards. Suika, on the other hand... ?Aaah! Yuugi, do you see that?!? The young oni abruptly jumped to her feet, her eyes shining frantically. ?It?s an oasis! An oasis of beer, right outside the airlock!? Yuugi sighed. I retract my previous compliment. ?That?s not an oasis, Suika.? She placed a hand on her co-pilot?s head, slowly pushing her down into her chair. ?You?re just going ever-so-slightly insane from withdrawal.? ?Am not!? Suika pouted, pointing out of the window. ?See? Those guys must be here to visit the oasis too!? ?Those guys?? Yuugi raised an eyebrow as she turned to follow Suika?s finger. ?What are you-oh.? The entire window to Yuugi?s left was engulfed by the bow of a massive starship. Its chrome surface was almost painful to the eye, and the needle-shaped cannons along its underside promised pain of the more literal sense. There was a name printed along the side, but the ship was so ridiculously large that Yuugi couldn?t see more than a letter or two of it. ?Somebody?s overcompensating,? she said to herself. ?That?s what SHE said,? Suika added with a snort. For a moment, Yuugi pondered her options. Being rescued was the best thing she could ask for at this point. But everything about this new ship reeked of sketchiness. Was it really a good idea to trust them? As it turned out, she didn?t have much of a choice. ?Whaaah!? Suika yelped as the ship jerked to the left, sending her flying into the opposite wall. Yuugi slammed head first into the co-pilot?s chair, the horn on her forehead stabbing through the leather. At least it did a good job of stopping her momentum. ?The hell was that?!? Suika shrugged off what should have been a fatal collision, walking away with little more than a bump on the head. ?Besides being really really rude.? ?It?s a tractor beam.? Yuugi pulled herself free, her hands running across the control panel. ?They?re trying to drag us into their docking bay.? Suika pondered the statement for a good five seconds. ?Is that a good thing?? ?Given that they didn?t warn us about it? Probably not.? Yuugi fired the ship?s thrusters at full power, but their engine was too small to escape the beam?s pull. All she could do was watch as the battleship grew ever closer, a hole opening in its hull to swallow them up. ?Looks like it?s my turn to play,? she said, her hands instinctively curling into fists. ?Eh?? ?I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...? She clenched her teeth as their ship was engulfed in darkness. ?Trouble.? ----- The docking bay seemed designed to be as foreboding as possible. Bright lights flickered and danced from all directions, and the ship?s walls echoed with a mighty rumble. Yuugi counted at least half a dozen gates closing behind them, each larger and thicker than the last. If she was meant to be frightened, it wasn?t working - in fact, the sheer overkill in the design meant she had to fight back a laugh more than anything. ?Why d?ya think they need all those doors?? Suika asked as she scratched her head. ?Maybe it?s to keep out the salesmen.? ?I don?t think you get door-to-door salesmen in space,? Yuugi said. ?That?s what they want you to think.? After several minutes of overly ominous whirring, the tractor beam finally released their cruiser, allowing it to drop to the ground with a quiet clang. Once it was clear the demonstration was over, Yuugi brought up the ship?s scanner and gave their surroundings a quick check. No immediate signs of life, but at least the air was breathable. ?Guess we?re supposed to go inside,? she said to herself. ?I call first dibs when we find the bar.? Suika was already out of her seat, pulling open the hatch door. Her priorities were questionable, but Yuugi couldn?t argue with her course of action. She followed behind, leaning under the doorway to keep from banging her head. For how large the docking bay was, there were very few options when it came to exits. The only way out was a pair of double doors carefully placed right in front of the cruiser. It reeked of a trap, but it wasn?t like they had any other options. Yuugi pulled open both doors at once, stepping into the room with a mighty flourish. She was not expecting the confetti that fell all over her. ?Cooooongratulations!? A cheery voice boomed out of a nearby speaker as the floor tiles exploded into colour. ?You?re the first ultra-lucky spacefarers to be selected for our crew! Let?s give our new friends a big round of applause!? The rattling of metal-on-metal brought Yuugi?s danger senses to attention again. Eight humanoid robots stepped forward, circling her as they clapped in her apparent celebration. Just a quick glance at their hardware said that they were relatively advanced. ?What?s going on?? Suika stepped in afterwards, kicking at the fallen confetti before a revelation struck her. ?Oh crap! You never told me it was your birthday, Yuugi! I would?ve got you something.? ?It?s not my birthday.? Yuugi stepped forward, hands clenching into fists as she turned to the nearest robot. ?Hey, junkpile. Who?s in charge around here?? The android cut its clapping subroutine short, pointing to a large screen that took up the entirety of the opposite wall. With another flicker it jumped to life, a giant face projected across every inch of the surface. ?You called?? Yuugi looked the face over for a few moments. It was a little girl, undoubtedly - her proportions gave that away, and she had cheeks that looked made to be pinched. Her hair was tied up in short, clean violet strands, clearly the result of some careful attention. She wore the grin of a swindler who?d just separated a sucker from his life savings. Definitely a kid, Yuugi thought. But that was no reason to take her lightly. ?Well, that was fast.? Yuugi placed her elbow on the android?s shoulder. It squirmed for a moment before resigning to its new duty as furniture. ?OK, kid. You?ve got a lot of explaining to do.? ?Of course! I love a good chance to talk about myself.? The girl stepped back from the screen slightly. A flowing, translucent kimono hung from her shoulders, with a more typical bodysuit visible underneath. ?I am Shinmyoumaru Sukuna, and I?m the captain of the Little Princess. You will refer to me as Captain Sukuna at all times - not Miss Sukuna, not Shinmyoumaru, and NEVER Shinnie. It?s a stupid name and I hate it.? ?You?re the captain of this thing?? Yuugi?s eyes widened. ?I figured you were playing around how your dad wasn?t looking.? ?How rude!? Shinmyoumaru puffed her cheeks out. ?I?ll have you know this entire battleship is my handiwork. Even the state-of-the-art mechanoid you?re currently leaning on.? Yuugi held back a chuckle. State-of-the-art? These machines were impressive, but they weren?t THAT good. She?d seen much better in her time travelling. Still, for one girl to be responsible for all of this was somewhat impressive. ?Hey, quit using all those long words.? Suika stumbled over, hopping onto Yuugi?s shoulders in a mandatory piggyback. ?Are you gonna share the booze oasis with us or not?? Shinmyoumaru looked Suika over, her expression paling slightly. ?Uh...is she okay? She seems sort of inebriated.? ?You get used to her.? Yuugi gave Suika a gentle nudge, and the oni promptly crashed back to the floor. ?So what?s this about being part of your crew?? ?Oh! Well, I figured that was self explanatory.? Shinmyoumaru rubbed her nose before placing her hands firmly on her hips. ?The two of you seem like you?d make excellent underlings, and thus I?m giving you both the chance to be my second-in-command.? ?That high up already?? Yuugi raised an eyebrow. ?How many crew members do you have on this ship?? ?Dozens of them! I mean, they?re all robots, but that probably still counts.? Shinmyoumaru tugged at her collar for a brief moment. ?But you?ll be entitled to room and board, as well as being part of what will soon be the most terrifying battleship in the galaxy! How could anyone turn down an opportunity like that?? Yuugi narrowed her eyes. Even if she could take this girl at her word, long-term employment was hardly her style. Duty and responsibility were words meant for other people; she was a free spirit, going wherever and doing whatever she pleased. ?I like the cut?a your jib, Cap?n.? Suika grabbed Yuugi?s arm for support as she struggled back to her feet again. ?Count me in.? ?Suika?!? Yuugi shoved her android armrest away. ?How can you be okay with-? ?Think of it this way, Yuugi. We?re gonna be sailors. And you know what sailors do all day?? Suika winked. ?They get wasted on rum and grog, of course!? ?That?s true, but-? ?I hate to disappoint you, but we?re not that kind of ship.? Shinmyoumaru folded her arms, pulling the sternest look her baby-face could manage. ?Drinking on the job is a duty strictly reserved for the captain.? ?Oh.? The eager light in Suika?s eyes went out in an instant. ?Never mind. Let?s ditch this joint.? ?That?s more like it.? Yuugi gave her partner a quick bump on the shoulder before turning back to the screen. ?Thanks for the offer, but we?ll pass. Though if we could hitch a ride to the nearest star system, that?d be awesome.? Shinmyoumaru went quiet, pondering her response for a few moments. Her other hand drifted off screen, and Yuugi could hear the faint click of keyboard strokes. ?I don?t think you two understand the situation.? The young girl smirked. ?This isn?t an offer. From today onward, you?re going to work for me.? Yuugi sucked in a breath. ?And if we refuse?? ?Then things start getting painful.? A beep of confirmation came from Shinmyoumaru?s screen. The robots in the room jerked to attention, the green lights in their eye sockets warping into a murderous red. They lowered themselves into fighting stances, whirring ominously as they formed a circle around the two oni. ?Alpha Squad!? With a smug grin, Shinmyoumaru rubbed her palms together. ?Show our newcomers what happens to mutineers.? The robot Yuugi had been leaning on was the first to approach. It was hard to be sure, but it almost seemed like this bucket of bolts was smart enough to hold a grudge. It slowly pulled one arm backwards, charging up a catastrophic punch. ?And again with the fighting,? Suika said, swinging around to stand back-to-back with Yuugi. ?Why can?t we just skip to this part?? ?The law?s not too keen on letting you beat people up.? Yuugi cracked her knuckles. ?But as long as we can call it self-defense-? Before she could finish, the armrest robot dashed forward with a devastating haymaker. Yuugi casually swerved to the side, clenching one hand around the extended forearm. ?-we can do whatever we want!? With a sharp tug, Yuugi pulled the robot?s arm clean off. She used the moment of bewilderment to follow through, burying its still-clenched fist inside its own face. The machine let out a morose beeping noise before collapsing to the ground. ?Wha-? Shinmyoumaru?s mouth hung open. ?How did you-? ?You tried to pressgang the wrong pair, Shinnie.? Yuugi pounded a fist against her chest. ?And once I?m done playing with your toys, you?re next.? Shinmyoumaru?s face went sheer white. Yuugi almost felt like a bully, reducing a little girl to a trembling wreck like this. Luckily, Shinmyoumaru?s next order put an end to her guilt. ?ALPHA SQUAD! ANNIHILATE THEM!? The machines lurched forward, their attack protocols bursting to life at once. Yuugi toppled the closest with a quick sweep, then slammed her foot into its chest as she ran across it. That left only four opponents, and now they wouldn?t be coming from all sides. ?Man, you guys suck.? Suika staggered around the battlefield, bobbing and weaving around the two robots targeting her. ?I could take all twelve of you without breaking a sweat.? Her unintentional comedy aside, Yuugi had to agree with Suika. These machines packed a punch, but they were slower than a block of concrete and about as intelligent. Even in her less-than-healthy mental state, it was laughably easy to run rings around them. The two machines heading Yuugi?s way were at least smart enough to flank her. They both pulled back for horribly telegraphed punches, their motions perfect mirror images of each other. Yuugi held her ground, waiting for the last possible moment before leaping out of the way. The robots ended up swinging into each other, each knocking the other?s head clean off of its neck. ?Hmph. Here I was getting my hopes up for some action.? Yuugi sighed, brushing at her shoulder. ?You alright over there, Suika?? ?I think so.? Suika had turned her two adversaries into a giant knot, wrapping their limbs around each other in a nigh-impossible configuration. ?We?re not supposed to fight the pink elephants, are we?? ?Not yet, no.? Yuugi looked back to the screen, pounding a fist into her palm. ?Well, Shinnie? Feeling any more charitable?? Shinmyoumaru?s mouth bobbed open and shut for a few seconds. ?O-Okay, so maybe that batch wasn?t my finest work. But you won?t be half as lucky against Bravo Squad! Or Charlie, or Delta, or-? ?So you?re not surrendering, then.? Yuugi smirked. ?Good. That means I get to vent a little more stress.? ?D-Don?t interrupt me!? Shinmyoumaru puffed out her cheeks. ?This is MY ship, and that means I get to make the rules! So you?d better stop when-? The picture cut out abruptly, leaving Yuugi staring at a blank screen. ?Good. She finally shut up.? Suika swung the monitor?s disconnected power cable over her head. ?Sorry, that girl?s voice just made me wanna puke.? Yuugi opened her mouth to object, then thought better of it. ?Probably a good idea. She wasn?t going to say anything else useful anyway.? ?So what?s the plan?? Suika asked. ?Wait around for the next wave?? ?Nah, that?ll take too long.? Yuugi turned to the far end of the room, with two corridors opening up in opposite directions. ?I say we split up and try to find the bridge. Captain Shortie?s probably controlling all the machines from there, so our best plan is to...?convince? her to stop.? ?We?re really gonna convince her? I thought we?d just knock her lights out.? ?We are. That was a euphemism.? Yuugi started walking toward the right pathway. ?I?ll take this side. Try not to throw up on anything important, alright?? ?Can?t make any promises!? Suika waved Yuugi farewell as she delved further into the battleship. Given the sheer size of the vessel, this was going to take quite a while. She?d end up running into another squad of defense bots eventually. As her hands clenched into fists, she hoped they?d at least put up more of a fight. ----- ?So what squad are we at now? I forget.? Yuugi spoke to an empty corridor, throwing away the breastplate of the android lying crumpled at her feet. Odds were that the captain had speakers throughout the ship, so she would hear every little thing Yuugi had to say. For that reason, the oni made sure to make her words as aggravating as possible. ?Is this X-Ray Squad? Zulu? I think you?re running out of letters at this point.? In truth, the newer squads were a bit tougher than their predecessors. They were starting to fight less like robots and more like actual people. Maybe Little Miss Halfpint was feeding them the data from the previous battles to give them more of a chance. If that was the case, Yuugi couldn?t afford to wait around. She still wasn?t in peak condition, and too much fighting would wear her out. If she ran out of cheap tricks before the captain ran out of robots, things could go pear-shaped very quickly. Not that she was planning to let that concern show on her face, of course. ?I?m getting close, aren?t I? I?ll bet you kept your best guards around the bridge so I wouldn?t get the drop on you.? Yuugi kept her ears perked in the ensuing silence. If her hunch was right, her target was about to give herself away. ?...Muuu...? Sure enough, a faint growling came from the corridor to her left. All that goading had finally worn away at the girl?s composure. Yuugi kept her mouth shut, moving ever closer to the source of the noise. ?...I?ll bet she thinks she?s so great.? As she drew closer, Yuugi could hear more and more of the captain?s temper tantrum. ?Just ?cause she?s so tall. Size doesn?t matter THAT much, dammit!? Says the girl who made her flagship two miles long, Yuugi thought to herself. A few twists and turns later, she was confronted with a large set of double doors. This was undoubtedly the bridge, and the source of Shinmyoumaru?s whining. Yuugi paused for a moment, waiting for the best moment to barge in. ?I?d like to see her talk like that to my face,? the captain continued. ?Her and me, one-on-one. We?ll see how smug she is when she?s just a smudge on the-? That was Yuugi?s cue to punch a hole in the bridge door. The squeal that came from inside was immensely satisfying for the oni. ?Kyaah! H-Haven?t you ever heard of knocking?!? ?Not really a concept on my home world.? Yuugi kicked at the hinge of the shattered door, knocking it clean off its hinges. ?Don?t let me interrupt you, Shinnie. What were you saying?? The bridge was more open than Yuugi had expected, spanning twenty feet in every direction. Control panels and dashboards covered the walls, but there was oddly little in the way of furniture. There was only a single chair at the head of the bridge, with a small staircase sitting beside it. As the chair spun around to face her, Yuugi thought she was ready to face down her aggressor. She couldn?t have been more wrong. ?Honestly, I can?t believe how rude you are!? the tiny figure on the chair replied. ?Trashing my attendants, barging into my command center, and all because I offered you a job!? Shinmyoumaru walked down the steps off of her chair, a staircase that was taller than she was. If she stretched up on her tiptoes, she might have just been tall enough to reach Yuugi?s knee. In spite of the height difference the inchling stomped forward with a determined gait, murmuring something unpleasant beneath her breath. That was it. That was all Yuugi could handle. All her calm and patience fell away as she collapsed into side-splitting laughter. ?Ahahaha! Holy shit, that?s priceless! I figured you?d be a piece of work, kid, but...? She couldn?t even finish the sentence before the giggles struck her again. ?W-What?s so funny?!? Shinmyoumaru?s face grew increasingly red. ?I?m the captain of this ship, remember? That means you?ve got to treat me with respect!? ?Yeah, yeah, sorry.? Yuugi struggled to keep a straight face. ?Hey, is that why they call you Captain Shinnie? ?Cause you?re about as tall as my shin?? Another outburst of laughter ensued, with Yuugi leaning on the control panel to keep herself from falling over. Shinmyoumaru?s face continued to darken until it was a raw shade of crimson. She came to a stop on a small circle on the floor and folded her arms. ?I was going to ask you to reconsider working for me. You and your friend know how to take care of yourselves.? The inchling stamped down with one foot. ?But if you?re just going to treat me like a practical joke, then I?ll have to pound you into space dust!? ?Ooooh, scary!? Yuugi tittered, cupping one hand around her mouth. ?What?re you gonna do? Stub my toes until I fall over?? Shinmyoumaru smiled. ?You?re gonna regret talking to me like that, punk.? The circle she was standing on began to descend into the ground, taking her with it. Within seconds she was out of sight, with nothing but the whirrs and clicks of machinery in her wake. As the hole in the floor began to widen, Yuugi?s laughing fit came to a sudden halt. ?Well, fuck.? A giant robot rose up from the ground, almost as tall as the room was high. Every joint and muscle was covered in a glimmering chrome plating that looked ten times sturdier than the garbage the droids were using. Steam hissed from the knuckles of its overgrown fists, and a hammer the size of Yuugi was clenched in its right hand. A glass window on the center of its chest showed Shinmyoumaru at the controls, her eyes shining with giddy confidence. ?As I was saying...? She raised her arm, and her machine lifted its hammer above its head. ?Let?s see how proud you are after I?ve squashed you like a goddamn fly!? Yuugi leaped backwards as the hammer hurtled down, leaving a crater in the ground where she had been standing. It wasn?t just bigger than the rest of the machines; it was faster and stronger as well. The oni grinned. Maybe this fight would be interesting after all. ?Eat this!? Shinmyoumaru brought the mallet around in a wide, sweeping arc. Yuugi leaped over the attack, charging towards the machine as she stretched her arm out for a lariat. Her attack splintered the armour on the creature?s knee, but managed nothing beyond cosmetic damage. ?That almost tickled,? the inchling said. ?My turn!? The leg Yuugi had attacked kicked out at her, forcing the oni to roll away. She made another attempt to strike at the weakened knee, but Shinmyoumaru?s swings forced her to keep her distance. Going in without a plan wasn?t going to work here. I need a distraction, she thought to herself between short, hard breaths. Having Suika around would be really handy right now... After another round of bobbing and weaving, Yuugi was hit with a wave of inspiration. As she dodged around another deadly punch, she took hold of the control panel beneath her and ripped it out of the floor. ?H-Hey, what are you doing?!? Shinmyoumaru smacked a fist against the glass. ?Do you have any clue how long that took to install?!? Yuugi wasn?t listening to the inchling?s tirade. She tossed the panel forward, sending it hurtling towards the robot?s cockpit. Shinmyoumaru gasped, bringing both arms up to protect herself. Now! Yuugi leaped on the opportunity, running straight for the robot?s knee. This time she went for a devastating drop kick, bending the limb in a direction legs weren?t made to go. Shinmyoumaru stumbled backwards a few paces, a noticeable limp in her robot?s step. ?T-That wasn?t fair!? The inchling and her machine flailed their arms around in protest. ?You can?t use my own ship against me!? ?Last I checked, there?s only one rule in a good old-fasioned brawl.? Yuugi jumped back to her feet, recovering her battle stance. ?And that?s that the winner is the last one standing!? She gave her strategy another try, tearing another piece of priceless hardware out of the ground. Again, she threw it right at Shinmyoumaru herself; again, the inchling had to focus her attention on blocking the projectile. She?d found her opponent?s weakness, and she?d exploit it as many times as she could. Or so she thought. ?Amanojaku System, online!? As Yuugi made to land the final strike, her feet suddenly lost their grip on the floor. Her punch whiffed entirely, and her head spun as the momentum sent her flying across the room. It took her a few moments to realise she was standing on the ceiling. ?What the hell...?? Yuugi?s stomach churned at the sight of the inverted world. The broken machinery she?d flung about had drifted to the ceiling as well, as if gravity had been flipped on its head. Only Shinmyoumaru and her machine were immune, hands on their hips as they chuckled to themselves. ?Bet you thought you had it all wrapped up, didn?t you?? Shinmyoumaru pointed to a small compartment beneath the cockpit, its arrow pointing up towards the ceiling. ?This right here is my magnum opus, the Amanojaku System! With this machine, I can turn gravity in any direction I see fit - for everything except me, of course.? She goaded Yuugi on with a single, taunting finger. ?Well? Where?s all that confidence now?? Yuugi grunted. She wasn?t about to let a pint-sized runt talk to her like that. She broke into a run, jumping forward to pounce on the machine?s head. ?Down.? The Amanojaku System clicked, its arrow turning in the opposite direction. Yuugi?s head spun as gravity changed its course again, sending her tumbling towards the floor. The mallet caught her in mid-air, hitting her with a devastating force. ?Aaaagh!? Yuugi roared in pain as she slammed into the wall. The dull ache of her hangover was screaming in the back of her head, her heart ready to burst in her chest. Before she could get her bearings the gravity shifted again, this time sending her right into the opposite corner of the room. ?Ready to give up yet?? Shinmyoumaru wasn?t even trying to attack anymore, letting the changing gravity do the work for her. ?If you apologise for mocking me, I might not have to pulverise you.? Yuugi?s head was a muddy swirl of fury and adrenaline. She was too proud to concede defeat, but she couldn?t come up with a plan of attack. For all her might, she wasn?t strong enough to overrule the laws of physics itself. Maybe she?d be capable of it in her prime, but now her sobriety was going to be the death of her. ?Stubborn to the end, I see.? Shinmyoumaru shrugged, then pulled her mallet back for the killing blow. ?I?ll send the bill for the damages to your next of kin. So long-!? Yuugi tensed herself as the hammer came crashing towards her. She couldn?t dodge it. She couldn?t block it. She could only watch as her end drew ever closer- Only for her to be carried away by a speck of light. ?Wha-? Shinmyoumaru clutched at her controls. ?What the hell was-? Yuugi was as baffled as the inchling was. Her saviour stood firmly on the bridge?s floor, in spite of the Amanojaku System?s influence. She only put the pieces together when a familiar voice spoke up. ?I have to bail you out of everything, don?t I?? Suika carried the taller oni without any semblance of effort. She spoke sharply and cleanly, with no sign of her previous slur. Even her skin looked more vibrant, like a light bulb inside her body had just been turned on. Yuugi could only think of one explanation. ?You?re drunk.? ?For the first time in WAY too long.? She grabbed at a half-full bottle of alcohol clipped to her belt. ?Found this in the captain?s quarters. This stuff?s incredible, Yuugi. It?s the kind of shit people pour into their eyeballs to get wasted.? ?Wait, that?s-? Shinmyoumaru slammed her mallet against the wall. ?That?s a priceless inchling vintage! I was saving it for when I was finally old enough to drink!? ?Sorry, kiddo. Finders keepers.? Suika slipped the bottle into Yuugi?s hand. ?Go wild, Yuugi. This one?s on me.? Yuugi pulled the cork so hard she almost ripped it in half. With one hearty chug she let the bottle?s contents gush down her throat, barely tasting the drink as it went down. That was for the better - it had the wretched aftertaste of battery fluid. Seconds later, Yuugi felt like she?d just come back from the dead. ?Awwww, shit yes.?  Yuugi stepped out of Suika?s hands, standing firmly on what should have been the wall. ?Suika, I love you.? ?I love me too.? Suika looked back to the robot as she cracked her knuckles. ?Mind if I back you up?? ?Why not? The more, the merrier.? Yuugi pointed straight at Shinmyoumaru, a devilish smile rising to her face. ?So, Shinnie, where were we again?? The inchling?s face seemed trapped between disgust and despair. She sent the gravity hurtling every direction she could - up, down, left, right. But whatever she tried, the oni refused to budge from where they were standing. ?W-What?s going on?? Her expression grew more and more desperate with each failed effort. ?Why aren?t you falling like you?re supposed to?!? ?You think you?re the only one who can screw with gravity?? Yuugi gave her partner a quick nod. ?Suika, show her what I?m talking about.? ?Okie dokie!? The small oni rubbed her palms together, flickers of electricity dancing between her fingers. A small sphere began to form between her hands, drawing in stray pieces of debris and consuming them. ?You?re kidding me...? The colour drained from Shinmyoumaru?s face. ?Is that a black hole?!? ?Damn straight.? Suika pulled her arm back. ?Though if you don?t believe me, you oughta take a look for yourself!? She threw the tiny black hole between the robot?s legs, letting it lodge in the back of the room. Within seconds it was sucking in everything in reach, including Shinmyoumaru and her machine. ?No, no, no!? Shinmyoumaru pushed her mecha onward, still limping as it struggled to fight the black hole?s pull. ?You?re cheaters! Both of you!? ?And we already went over this.? Yuugi ran in to land the finishing blow. ?Anything?s fair, as long as you win!? Her hand slammed into the glass window, shattering it into a hundred pieces. She grabbed Shinmyoumaru out of the cockpit with her other hand, pulling her to safety as the black hole?s pull grew even tighter. ?Nooooooo!? Shinmyoumaru reached out to her crumbling robot, tears forming in her eyes. ?My masterpiece!? The robot seemed to reach out in response, making one last effort at a salute before folding in on itself. The black hole hungrily devoured every scrap of the machine, like a glutton finishing every crumb of food on their plate. ?Aaaaand done.? Suika clapped her hands together, and the black hole shrank away into nothingness. Most of the bridge had remained intact - the parts Yuugi hadn?t torn off, at least - but there wasn?t a trace of the robot to be seen. ?Nice work, Suika.? Yuugi gave her partner a fistbump in congratulation. ?You saved my ass back there.? ?Don?t I always?? Suika ran a hand through her hair as she puffed out her chest. ?So what?re we gonna do with Captain Five-Inch?? Yuugi looked down at Shinmyoumaru. The inchling had given up on resisting, murmuring to herself about fairness and expenses. When she looked up at Yuugi, it was with an expression that begged and pleaded for mercy. ?Beating up a kid would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Though I?m sure she won?t mind us asking her for a little favour.? Yuugi gave Shinmyoumaru?s hair a nice hard ruffle. ?Isn?t that right, Captain Shinnie?? Shinmyoumaru puffed out her cheeks in one last attempt to intimidate the oni. A long hard glare from Yuugi extinguished the last of her stubbornness. ?Muuuuu...? At last, the inchling slumped forward in defeat. ?Just don?t take anything too important, okay?? ----- ?Y?know what? I?d say today went pretty well.? Yuugi nodded in agreement as she clinked her beer bottle against Suika?s. Their demands had been relatively meagre, in all honesty - a replacement for their broken autopilot, and the contents of the ship?s wine cellar. The latter had been a bigger haul than they?d expected - Shinmyoumaru must have really been looking forward to her eighteenth birthday. ?You think the kid?s going to be alright?? Suika asked, as the Little Princess slowly drifted into the distance. ?We did wreck most of her stuff.? ?Eh, she?ll be fine.? Yuugi shrugged. ?If she built the whole thing by herself, nothing?s stopping her from putting it back together, right? ?I s?pose.? Suika leaned back in her seat. ?Think she?ll find a better way to recruit her crew?? ?For her sake? I hope so.? Yuugi downed half her bottle in one shot. ?She should view this whole thing as a learning experience, in my opinion.? ?Even the part where we held her up by the collar and let her flail about for five minutes?? ?That?s a lesson in humility.? Yuugi pressed a few buttons on the panel, and the new autopilot jumped to life. ?So where should we head today?? ?Hmmm...? Suika pondered the question deeply, resting her chin on her hand. ?Any sectors nearby with a pirate infestation?? Yuugi smiled. ?You want to get in another fight already?? ?Actually, all that talk about rum got me real thirsty.? Suika gave her stomach a pat. ?We?re in peak condition now. Feel like separating another captain from his grog?? Yuugi was relatively sure that pirates and rum didn?t actually go together anymore. Still, the thought of another brawl brought a certain fire pulsing through her veins. ?Sure, why not?? After some consideration, she gave Suika a thumbs up. ?Let?s go looking for trouble together.? Suika grinned as she brought the engines to life. ?I love it when you say that.?

FinnKaenbyou: It's midnight. I wrote another short! With diver fairies, who I haven't written in ages. This story has minor-ish spoilers for Touhou 15. Consider yourself warned. ----- ?Briar, we need to talk.? River spoke up, as she often did, just after Briar had turned her brain off. There was a vague murmur as her tiny fairy mind shuddered to life, then another as she realised she was still biting on her mouthpiece. ?You can?t call me that, Vice President,? she said, once her mouth was empty. ?It?s a sneaking mission, remember? We?ve gotta use codenames.? ?For the last time, I?m not calling you Her Royal Rosey Highness. Not even ironically.? ?Aw, c?mon. It?s got a great ring to it.? Briar stopped swimming, taking a moment to pose in what she was convinced was a dramatic stance. ?The Pink-Petalled Princess hunting the treasures at the bottom of the ocean! Doesn?t that sound awesome, Lion?s Tooth?? Dandelion flinched as she was called out by name. ?U-Um, it does sound kind of cool, I guess.? She looked down across the seabed, gently brushing at the roots of newly growing flowers. ?But I never knew you were a princess, Briar.? ?Oh, I?m not. Not yet.? Briar looked off into the distance. ?But once we hit the jackpot, there?ll be princes all over the world who want a piece of me. So really, it?s as good as done.? River grimaced, then snorted out a long breath into the water. ?As I was trying to say, Briar...what exactly are we doing here?? ?Hm?? Briar tilted her head. ?We?re diving for treasure, duh. How could you forget that? You?re wearing the tank and fins and everything.? ?That?s not what I?m talking about,? River continued, her fingers digging into her elbows. ?I?m asking why we?re doing it on the goddamn moon.? Briar sighed. It was just like River to ask the silliest questions. ?River-I mean, Vice President, we?re here because this place is the hot new resort for fairies.? Briar sat herself down on a large spire, standing well above the flooded landscape. ?They?re only letting in folks from Hell, though, so we can?t let anyone know we?re from Gensokyo. Hence the codenames.? ?Wait, Hell?? River jerked her head backwards. ?As in ?fire and brimstone? Hell?? ?Ehhh, from my experience it?s more like ?lukewarm embers and loud guitars?. Nothing like it?s cracked up to be.? ?That?s ridiculous,? River said. ?You can?t just visit Hell. It doesn?t work like that.? ?Um, actually...? Dandy raised a hand. ?I sort of went to Heaven once.? River gave Dandy a blank stare. ?You?re kidding me.? ?N-Not at all! I heard they have really nice gardens up there, so I wanted to see them!? Dandy looked down, her voice starting to fall away. ?But then the oarfish lady told me to go away, and I didn?t want to upset her, so...? ?Anyway!? Briar said, cutting Dandy?s story off halfway. ?It?s thanks to a friend from hell that I heard about this whole resort thing.? She looked down at her wrist, in that fancy way people with watches liked to do. ?And if I?m right, that friend should be joining us any second now.? River looked up to the surface, waiting for something to splash in. Thirty whole seconds passed before her patience began to wear thin; in all fairness, thirty seconds of focus was a task beyond most fairies. ?I don?t think anyone?s coming.? Dandy twiddled her thumbs. ?Are you sure we?re in the right place?? ?Of course we are!? Briar said, puffing out her cheeks. ?We agreed to meet at the big pointy thing. That?s pretty distinctive.? River opened her mouth to object, then thought better of it. She held her tongue for two whole minutes through gargantuan effort. She watched her partners recover their mouthpieces, taking in air they didn?t know they didn?t need. Hanging around them was trying enough at the best of times, but being hauled off-planet only to be stood up? That was a whole new level of incompetence. ?That?s it. I?m done.? At last, River turned on the spot and started to swim back the way they?d come. ?I?m not going to just sit around for your imaginary friend.? ?Aw, come on! Don?t be like that, VP!? Briar pleaded. ?And she?s not imaginary, I swear! That whole talking unicorn thing was a one-off!? ?Yeah, right,? River scoffed. ?The day you make a friend in Hell is the day a clown falls out of the sky and hits me square in the-? ?YAHOOOO!? A yell from above compelled River to look up. She caught a multi-coloured blur crashing into the water, flying downwards with incredible force. By the time she realised she should probably get out of the way, it was far too late. ?Ooof!? The fairy grunted as the collision knocked the stuffing out of her. She slammed face first into the dusty crater beneath, continuing downward for a good five feet. It would have been lethal for most youkai; for fairies, it was a mild inconvenience. ?That looked sore.? Dandy looked down at her fallen companion. ?Should we check on her?? Briar, as usual, wasn?t listening. Her attention was locked on the brightly-coloured bullet that had fallen from the sky. It was another fairy, wearing a similar set of diving gear along with a tight suit with a complicated stars-and-stripes pattern. She stretched out from her cannonball position, carefully adjusting her jester?s hat. ?Huh?? The girl looked around in every direction other than beneath her. ?That?s weird. Water?s not supposed to be that hard. Wonder if it?s some fancy moon thingy-? ?Clownpiece!? Briar charged forward, smothering the newcomer in a tackle-hug. ?I knew you?d show up eventually.? ?Bri-Bri!? Clownpiece roughly ran her hand through Briar?s hair, toying with the cogs that held her twintails in place. ?Thanks for coming all the way out here. The moon?s great and all, but I really needed the company.? ?Um, you two?? Dandy continued to point at the hole River had left in the seabed. ?Helping River? Anyone?? ?What?re you wearing?? Briar paid her no mind, focusing on the star-spangled suit that Clownpiece was flaunting. ?Some kind of logo?? ?Heck if I know,? Clownpiece replied. ?My boss gave me a whole wardrobe of stuff with this pattern. Apparently it really pisses off the Lunarians.? She poked at the hem of Briar?s dress. ?What about you? My boss said you weren?t meant to wear dresses for diving.? ?Hmmph.? Briar smirked, pressing two fingers against her forehead. ?Rules like that are for ordinary people, not for a visionary like me.? ?Ohhh, I see.? Clownpiece nodded along, her hat jingling with every move of her head. ?No wonder you?re the leader of your operation.? Briar opened her mouth to brag again, only for Dandy to tug at her sleeve. Her white-clothed companion murmured something nonsensical about a river needing their help. What silly chatter, Briar thought. Rivers weren?t alive. ?Anyway!? Briar said. ?I was hoping you could show us around. Any hidden goodies to find beneath the waves?? Clownpiece pondered. ?Hmm...not sure about goodies, but there?s a cool palace not too far from here! Apparently some human fisherman lived there for years thinking he was on the bottom of the ocean.? ?Seriously? Wow, humans are super dumb.? Briar gave Clownpiece a thumbs up. ?But stupid-human-palaces sound like they?d be full of shiny stuff! Lead the way.? ?Naturally.? Clownpiece started to swim away, then turned back with a quizzical expression. ?Wait, didn?t you say you were bringing two of your friends along?? Briar?s face scrunched up in deep thought. She made a drawn out motion of counting herself, then Dandy. ?Nope. There?s only two of us, so that can?t be right.? ?But Briar, you aren?t listening to me!? Dandy whined, tugging harder at Briar?s sleeve. ?You?re forgetting about-? Before she could finish, a loud moan resonated from the ground beneath them. Dandy gave in to her natural instincts, hiding behind the spire they?d used as a meeting point. The other two fairies looked at each other with puzzled looks. ?Does the ground always groan around here?? Briar asked. ?I dunno. I?m pretty new here.? Clownpiece looked down. ?Think it?s got anything to do with that arm coming out of the ground?? Briar looked down. That green dress looked awfully familiar, now that she thought about it. The sort of outfit that would suit a Vice President, in fact- ?Oh, right! River!? Briar swooped down just in time to see her partner pull herself out of the hole. ?You should?ve told me you were stuck down there. I?d totally have bailed you out.? River clenched her teeth. ?I hate you all. So, so very much.?

FinnKaenbyou: I miss Alice. Do you miss Alice? I do. ----- ?Could Miss Margatroid please come to the doctor?s office?? A small earth rabbit came out of the corridor, carrying a clipboard half as tall as she was. Alice pushed herself out of her seat, giving the bunny a pat on the head before walking out of the waiting room. It was always the grunts you had to be nice to, she?d learned; they were the ones who could screw you over at a moment?s notice. When she was face to face with the doctor, she planned to be a good deal less polite. The office was as she remembered it - neat to the point of aggravation. Every perfectly clean surface, each shelf filed without a page out of place, a variety of well-preserved medical textbooks on display. Cleanliness was Eirin?s way of demonstrating her superiority. She was a brilliant doctor, always trying her best for her patient, but she still had to make them feel beneath her somehow. ?Good morning, Alice.? Eirin looked away from her file with a too-well-rehearsed spin of her chair. ?How can I help you to-oh.? Alice knew her expression did the talking for her. The rings around her eyes had somehow found a shade even darker than black, and keeping them open was an effort of its own. Shanghai was slumped on her shoulder, the doll lightly snoring as as she tried to make up for her master?s deficit. ?You get three guesses,? she said. ?And the first two don?t count.? Sleep was something Alice had struggled with for several years now. Technically, as a magician, her body no longer needed it, but after years as a human she was so accustomed to it that she?d never been able to stop. It was more of a psychological issue than a physical one, and her long work days only exasperated the problem. ?Hmm. That?s unfortunate.? Eirin read over Alice?s file again. ?You haven?t stopped taking the pills I prescribed, have you?? ?Oh, no. I?ve been taking your medicine nightly, as suggested.? Alice folded her arms. ?The problem is it isn?t working anymore.? ?Isn?t working?? Eirin?s face scrunched up. ?I find that hard to believe. The Butterfly Dream Pill shouldn?t have any side effects. As you sure you haven?t lost a batch and you?re just too proud to admit it?? Alice clenched her jaw. Her insomnia was enough of a problem without this doctor making things worse. Would it kill this woman to admit she?d made a mistake for once? ?I?ll put it simply,? Alice said. ?I took the pill and went to sleep. Instead of the usual dream where I?m flying around as a butterfly, I was stuck in the Lunar Capital with everyone around me yelling that I was ?impure?. This has been happening for over a week now, so it?s not just coincidence.? ?Yes, but-? Eirin?s eyes dilated. ?Oh. I see.? ?What is it? Do you know what?s happening?? ?It?s a long story.? Eirin threw the case file onto the shelf, where it made a perfect landing amongst the other documents. ?The Butterfly Dream Pill takes you to a specific area of the Dream World to make sure the dream you have is predictable and comfortable. Unfortunately, the Dream World is...? The doctor tugged at her collar. ?Slightly occupied at the moment.? ?Occupied?? Alice rubbed at her temples. ?Is this something to do with that lunar incident Marisa dealt with a few weeks ago?? ?That?s correct. The problem?s been resolved, but it will still take some time for the Lunarians to make their way out of the Dream World.? Eirin cleared her throat. ?So it?s not the fault of my medicine, you understand. It?s just unfortunate circumstances that have rendered it ineffective.? For a brief moment, Alice considered punching the doctor square in the face. She decided it wouldn?t end well. There were still a few dozen rabbits between her and the exit, after all. ?I don?t care whose fault it is,? she said, pausing to yawn. ?I just want an alternative so I can get some rest.? ?An alternative?? Eirin put a hand on her chin. ?Hmm. Now that I think about it, there is one substance that might help you.? The doctor pulled a massive encyclopedia from the bookshelf at her side. Fluttering through the pages, she came to a firm stop at the exact point she was looking for. She held the page up to Alice, holding the book like a mother telling her child a bedtime story. ?There?s a little-known herb called slumberweed,? Eirin said, pointing to a large illustration of it in the book. ?It?s a common remedy used by the merfolk for sleep issues. You won?t have any pleasant dreams, but it?ll do a good job of knocking you out.? ?Perfect,? Alice said. ?How much for a month?s supply?? ?I?m afraid I don?t have any in stock.? Eirin closed the book with a shake of her head. ?The merpeople are quite protective of their ingredients, you see. People who ask for samples tend to get threatened with large tridents. You?ll have to procure this slumberweed on your own.? ?But you just said that they wouldn?t hand it over.? ?I never said you had to get their permission.? Eirin smirked. ?But maybe a few samples the mermaids in the Misty Lake are cultivating could...disappear. And one of them might even find its way onto my desk.? Alice felt her shoulders tense. ?Eirin, are you telling me to steal something for you?? ?Heavens, no. I only made a hypothetical assumption.? Eirin leaned closer. ?But if you WERE to bring me one of these herbs, perhaps I could concoct a new medicine from it. And that would be to both of our benefits, would it not?? Alice gnashed her teeth. If Eirin wanted her help, she could have at least been more upfront about it. Besides that, the thought of stealing something left her uneasy; not because she was a stickler for the law, but rather because it was the sort of thing she?d imagine Marisa doing. True magicians like her were supposed to be above plundering their ingredients. But if her options were betraying her ideals or continuing her sleepless streak, she?d go for the former any day. ?Wake up, Shanghai.? Alice brushed her hand along the doll?s back, beckoning her awake with a few strokes. ?We?ve got some hardcore planning to do.? ----- In retrospect, maybe Alice had overdone it a little. She?d retreated to her cottage with a simple plan - put together a water-breathing charm so she could infiltrate the academy. Any magician worth their salt could come up with that kind of spell in five minutes. That should have been the only preparation she needed. But what about her clothes? She liked her dress, and she didn?t want it to get soaked. She could strip down to her undergarments, but not only would that be shameful she?d likely freeze to death. She?d have to make an outfit that would shield her against the cold. And something so she could move faster, and something else to keep the water out of her eyes... Before she knew it, her mundane preparations had turned into a full-blown project. The more she worked, the more she found to work on. Her fatigue pushed her into a dreamlike euphoria, striking her with inspiration she?d never have found when she was awake. She even made contact with Marisa?s kappa friend to put on the final touches. When the night of the heist came, Alice was more than ready. She arrived at the lake moments after sundown, changing in the bushes while Shanghai stood lookout for passing lechers. She?d have changed in the comfort of her home, but flying around in this might garner some strange looks. And the specifics of her outfit made walking...difficult. ?I really hope I get more than one use out of this thing...? Alice emerged a few minutes later in what she could only call a mermaid suit. The silky fabric was a baby blue-shade, covering her whole body while holding her legs in the shape of a mermaid?s tail. Extra fins on the back of her arms gave her an extra layer of aerodynamics. Nitori?s help with the schematics had been invaluable, and after a few minutes practice she was confident she could keep up with a mermaid in the water. ?Ready, Shanghai?? The doll saluted at her master?s command. Alice had taken the time to tweak Shanghai as well, giving her a mermaid tail of her own so the pair matched. She hugged a flashlight with both hands, ready to guide her master?s path through the water. ?Alright, then.? Alice pulled her dive mask down over her eyes and murmured an incantation. ?Let?s go steal some plants.? The cold struck her almost as soon as she submerged. Her suit?s inbuilt heat charms took a second to kick in. The sensation was like huddling up in front of a warm fire, and immediately she knew she?d made the right call taking her time on this project. The Quest To Get Some Goddamn Sleep was not one she would pursue half-heartedly. ?Hrrrm.? Once she was sure the water-breathing charm worked as intended, Alice turned her attention to the lakebed. ?If the map I found was accurate, it should be in this vicinity...? She blindly swam deeper, hoping her intuition was on the mark. Shanghai dutifully pointed her torch for her master, but the light was obviously too weak to make much impact. It took a few minutes of descent before the landscape became visible to any degree - and thankfully, her destination was kind enough to light itself up for her. St. Triton?s Academy For The Magically Talented was the only academic institution the mermaids of Gensokyo had. From what Alice had read it was quite a cushy place to work, and the view from a distance certainly gave that impression. Warm lights still drifted around the dormitories, keeping young students from fumbling around in the dark. The school itself had the mystical quality she expected, the currents humming with lingering magic. It wasn?t the school itself she was interested in, though. She dolphin-kicked around the grounds, locking her eyes on the apothecary behind the main building. This was where they grew the plants and ingredients needed for their spells. It looked almost like a greenhouse, its glass windows doing nothing to hide the valuable catalysts being stored within. The most surprising thing was how simple it all looked. The entrance hung ajar, and a quick check showed there weren?t any protective wards on the grounds. There was nothing stopping Alice from stepping inside and pilfering everything she pleased. ?If people are this careless with their goods, it?s no wonder Marisa makes such a killing.? Alice slipped through the hole, Shanghai flopping along behind her. She was met a variety of with stacked shelves and questionable sorting methods. Tiny scraps of paper gave the names of each of the samples, but they seemed to have been laid out in no particular order. The puppeteer sighed. For once, she missed Eirin?s obsessive cleanliness. With no clue where to look, she?d have to search every aisle until she found what she needed. She started skimming through the collection, looking for anything that resembled what she?d seen in the illustration. Her leisurely searching was interrupted by another voice. ?...Stupid detention work...? Someone grumbled to themselves three aisles away. Alice instinctively ducked into a side aisle, pressing herself into the wall and slowing her breathing. ?Shanghai.? She whispered to her doll. ?Kill the light.? Shanghai nodded, fumbling to turn off the flashlight. The waters were dark and murky, making Alice almost impossible to make out from her hiding spot. Of course there?s a guard, she thought to herself. Nothing ever gets to be easy for me. It took a few minutes for the warden to saunter past. It was a young mermaid in school robes, clutching a lantern as she swung it along the empty aisles. Her pale red scales matched her hair, tied into twintails with small star clips. She rubbed at her eyes with a tiredness that felt painfully familiar to Alice. ?Why?d they even give me this job, anyway?? The girl muttered to herself as she went about her work. ?They could?ve just set up a sentry ward, but nooo, it?s gotta be a manned post. It?s like they don?t want me to get any sleep.? Alice had to feel for the girl. In any other scenario she?d have chastised the school for working her to such a limit. As it was, though, Alice was grateful that the one guard on patrol wasn?t at her best. ?Shanghai.? She whispered another order as the mermaid moved on. ?Head left.? There was a brief shuffling before the doll tilted her head. ?My left IS your left, Shanghai.? Shanghai gasped, then followed along behind her mistress. They?d have to move carefully to avoid detection, and they couldn?t use the flashlight without giving themselves away. Alice was forced to squint at barely-visible labels, hoping she found what she needed before her eyes broke from the exertion. ?Is this it?? Alice grabbed a jar from the shelf, trying to discern its contents. She could make out some sort of plant inside, but it was hard to tell any more than that. She pulled the lid open, hoping she?d get a better view. It soon became clear that what she?d grabbed was in fact a mandragora seedling. ?SCREEEEEE!? The creature yelled the moment Alice unscrewed the lid. After she?d finished reeling she hastily undid her work and shoved the jar back onto the shelf. ?Eh? What was that?? The mermaid guard swerved out of her patrol route, her sloshing strokes drawing closer and closer. Alice panicked, pressing herself into the tiny gap between the shelf and the wall, pulling in Shanghai along with her. She concealed herself just in time for the mermaid?s lantern to illuminate the spot where she?d been. ?Hmmm.? The mermaid swam over to the mandragora, poking at the glass bottle once or twice. ?Guess I?m hearing things.? Alice sighed with relief. That had been a close one. Now all she?d have to do is keep quiet, and the trouble would be past- Oh no. Alice felt something welling in her throat. Something she REALLY couldn?t afford to let out at a time like this. She tried to force it down, but every moment she spent looking at the sleepy sentry made her urge ever stronger. As she saw the girl open her mouth, the desire became too strong to resist. ?...Haaaaah...? Alice let out the loudest yawn she?d ever given in her life. Given her lack of rest, it was a totally natural reaction. It was also the worst thing she could have done. ?Eh?? The mermaid swung her lantern in the direction of the noise. ?Hey, you! What?re you doing here?!? Crap. Alice cursed under her breath. Now things were going to get unpleasant. She swung around to the other side of the shelf, hoping the gap between them would buy her some time. She was wrong. ?Respirus Disparus!? The mermaid called out an incantation Alice didn?t recognise. It didn?t take her long to realise its effect, as the slits across her throat faded away. She couldn?t breathe. ?Mmmgllb!? Alice cupped a hand around her mouth. She tried to reset the water-breathing charm, but the magic shorted out along her fingers. ?A-HA!? The mermaid swooped over the shelf, her arms folded as she hung upside-down. ?Only an air-breather would be stupid enough to rob us. Bet you feel real dumb now, huh?? Alice felt her air trickling out of her lips. Of course the mermaids would have a spell to dispel her water-breathing charm. It was an obvious counterspell she should have seen coming a mile away. Luckily, she had. Now! Alice put her free hand behind her back. Ultimately it didn?t matter where, as long as no-one could see it. She focused her mind, imagining her inventory, bringing out the item she needed most right now. She closed her hand around cold metal. ?Eh?? The mermaid tilted her head. ?What?re you doing?? Alice responded by revealing what she?d pulled from beyond the ether. It was a simple handheld rebreather, another extra Nitori had thrown in with the suit. She promptly bit down on it, savouring the taste of oxygen. ?H-Hey, that?s cheating!? The student went red in the face. ?You didn?t have that before!? ?You?re right.? The mermaid blinked. ?Eh? Who said that?? ?Me, silly.? Shanghai waved for the girl?s attention, Alice?s voice coming from her lips. The puppeteer couldn?t speak with the rebreather on, so she had to settle for some ventriloquism. ?I pulled this from a pocket dimension of mine,? Shanghai continued. ?Did you really think I wasn?t ready for a simple counterspell? No wonder you got stuck with the midnight shift.? The mermaid?s face scrunched up, like she was on the verge of throwing a fit. ?You stupid air-breathers with your no-good loopholes!? ?Besides, aren?t you being a bit forward?? Alice and Shanghai shrugged shamefully in unison. ?We have a process for settling disputes here in Gensokyo. Even larceny.? The student stared into space for a few seconds. Alice could see the two cogs in her brain clicking together before she finally gasped in realisation. ?Oh, right!? The girl pointed her wand at Alice like an accusing finger. ?I, Meredy Prometheus, challenge you to a spellcard duel!? ?That?s more like it.? Alice gave her opponent the tiniest bow she could manage. ?I, Alice Margatroid, accept your challenge. If you defeat me, I?ll turn myself in.? ?You mean WHEN I defeat you.? Meredy smirked. ?One spellcard each?? ?Sure, but I won?t need to use mine.? Shanghai said. ?I assume you only HAVE one spellcard?? ?Ye-? The girl opened her mouth, then jammed it shut. ?I mean, what gives you that idea?? The doll giggled. ?Mainly because you look about as threatening as a stage 1 midboss.? Alice could see the vein popping out on the mermaid?s forehead. All according to plan, of course - an angry opponent tended to make more mistakes. ?You?re gonna regret pissing me off, understand?? Meredy squeezed at her wand, its tip glowing red. ?I?m the best duelist St. Triton?s ever seen!? Alice rolled her eyes. She idly wondered what sort of bullets this girl would go for. Something scale-themed, maybe? Marisa had fought a mermaid like that once. That fight had been a pushover, so she couldn?t imagine this girl would be- ?Fire Sign [Sauna Shooter]!? A bellowing fireball flew from the tip of Meredy?s wand, aimed right at Alice?s chest. The puppeteer barely had time to dodge, rolling to the side as the attack slammed into the shelf behind her. She hoped nobody had been using that mandragora. ?What the hell is that?!? Shanghai yelled. ?Oh, the fire?? Meredy brushed her hair away. ?That?s my speciality. No-one sees it coming.? ?That?s not what I meant!? Alice shot the mermaid a glare. ?That?s not what danmaku is meant to look like!? ?Says who?? Meredy puffed out her chest. ?So what if it?s not slow or pretty? All that matters is if it works!? She sent another barrage of fireballs in Alice?s direction, her attacks lacking in depth or complexity. It was a fighting style that was familiar in the worst possible way. And as basic as the strategy was, it had its merits. Alice hadn?t seen bullets this fast since she fought the newspaper tengu. There wasn?t enough room between shelves to dodge and counterattack at the same time, so she was locked on the defensive. Meredy?s attacks flew left and right, setting shelves alight and consuming their contents. ?You realise you?re burning down the building you?re meant to be protecting, right?? Shanghai hung close to Meredy, continuing her emotional assault. ?What?re your teachers going to think when they find out?? Meredy puffed out her cheeks. ?I?ll just tell them you did it! Then they?ll give me a medal for defending the school for the rotten air-breather menace!? Alice had started to tune out the girl?s voice at this point. She wasn?t in any danger, but the longer this fight lasted the more damage the apothecary would suffer. If her precious slumberweed was destroyed, the whole heist would have been for nothing. ?Fine.? Alice hid her hand, reaching into her pocket dimension. ?I?ll show you what a real spellcard looks like.? Her hand closed around familiar cloth and thread. Ducking under another fireball she pounced forward in the water, her mermaid tail propelling her with incredible speed. ?Magic Sign [Artful Sacrifice]!? She flung her doll forward, aimed at Meredy?s chest, then curved upwards toward the ceiling. The doll released a small wave of bullets, forcing Meredy to focus on it instead of its user. ?What?s this?? The mermaid chuckled. ?As if some crummy puppet is gonna stop me!? She pointed her wand at the puppet, its tip flashing a brilliant white before a giant flame emerged from it. The doll was rapidly engulfed, its attack powerless against the fire?s might. ?See?? Meredy smiled. ?Easy as-? BOOOOOOOM. Alice was smart enough to cover her ears before the explosion. Meredy was less fortunate, standing point blank as the doll erupted in its own fanfare of fire and bullets. The mermaid was blown back into the wall, half a dozen bullets hitting her before she could recover. With a pop, the flames she?d thrown around the room vanished into nothing, their lingering power flowing into Alice. She felt the nullification spell fade away, and took the chance to reapply her water breathing charm. ?Spellcard captured.? As she pulled off her rebreather, Alice wore a catlike grin. ?Now that I have your co-operation, could you please tell me where you keep your slumberweed?? Meredy was slumped on the floor, her tail flapping around incessantly. She was a girl with serious authority issues, that much Alice had already determined. But at least she seemed to respect the spellcard rules. ?Down there,? she grumbled. ?Third shelf to your left.? ?Thank you.? Alice swam over to the shelf in question, moving casually now the threat had passed. She found the plant held in a small glass tank, too large to carry back to the surface herself. She settled for sending it to her pocket dimension instead, where she?d retrieve it from when she made it home. ?Still, I wasn?t expecting to get in a fight,? Alice said as she returned to Meredy. ?I didn?t think you merfolk cared for combat magic.? ?We don?t,? Meredy muttered, hugging at her tail. ?They don?t even teach us self-defense at St. Triton?s. It?s all the boring stuff like transmutation and fortune telling.? ?That?s...that?s disgraceful.? Alice frowned. ?A curriculum without anything life threatening? You?ll never make a good magician with a plan like that.? ?I know, right?!? Meredy popped up, suddenly struck with enthusiasm. ?I had to look this all up myself, y?see? Normally only the royals get to make spellcards, but I figured out how to make one by myself! All the teachers say I?m a troublemaker, but you understand me, right?? Alice looked back at the smouldering wreck the apothecary had become. She considered saying something particularly cruel, but she?d already had enough drama for today. ?You...? She paused, trying to find a compliment that wasn?t outright false. ?You have potential, I suppose? But you?re lacking in control, finesse, tact, and just about everything else.? By Alice?s standards, a statement like that was relatively merciful. Meredy looked like she?d been stabbed, but moments later she was grabbing at Alice?s arm. ?Hey! You?re a magician, right?? The mermaid?s eyes lit up. ?Do you do tutoring? I wanna learn how to fight like you do!? ?I don?t take apprentices,? Alice replied. ?Whatever price you?re offering, I?m not interested.? ?But, but...? Meredy stammered for a moment, then gasped. ?That?s right! I can get you all the slumberweed you want! Even that sample you stole is gonna run out eventually, right?? ?Yes, but that?s why I?m sending a sample to-? To a pharmacist who I really can?t stand, Alice thought to herself. One who?d undoubtedly pat herself on the back in spite of Alice doing all the work. One who?d charge ludicrous prices for a drug that was a replacement for a mistake she?d never admit to making. Alice had gone into this assuming she had no choice but to play along. But maybe there was a way she could get what she needed while giving Eirin the middle finger she so desperately deserved. ?Hmm.? Alice thought over the plan for a while longer before responding. ?Actually, I think we can make that work.? ?Really?!? Meredy?s tail began to flap again. ?So you?ll give me one-on-one training?? ?Not quite,? Alice said. ?I have another idea in mind.? ----- ?Is that a lesson plan?? Marisa looked over the documents on Alice?s desk with a scratch of her head. Alice was impressed she?d bothered to learn any form of magical notation, even if this was designed for absolute beginners. ?It is, yes.? Alice kept a grip on the paper so Marisa wouldn?t get any ideas. ?I?ve taken up a side job teaching at St. Triton?s.? ?St. Triton?s?? Marisa furrowed her brow. ?That upstuck merfolk academy?? ?Apparently, they had a break-in rather recently,? Alice said, her voice calm and neutral from hours of rehearsal. ?Lots of their ingredients and catalysts got stolen or destroyed. So they wanted a teacher to help the students learn self-defense.? ?Huh.? The witch pondered for a moment, then smiled. ?How much are they paying you?? ?I?m not being paid, actually,? Alice replied, underlining an important passage for later. ?Not in money, at least. But it?s something much more valuable than that.? ?Valuable?? Marisa rubbed her hands together. ?Then you won?t mind if I-? ?Sorry, I?m not allowed to share it.? Alice shook a finger. ?Part of the contract. Hope you understand.? ?Boo.? Marisa pouted. ?You?re no fun, Alice.? ?I?ll take that as a compliment.? Alice couldn?t hide the extra life in her voice. She?d slept soundly for a week now, and it felt like she?d been reborn. All she had to do was give some pointers three days a week, and she?d get all the slumberweed she?d ever need. Her sleep was back to normal. She didn?t need to worry about her hard-made suit going unused. And most importantly, she?d screwed over that goddamn Lunarian. ?Haah...? Marisa yawned, pulling her hat down over her eyes. ?I think I?m gonna go take a nap. Was up late last night working on some new potions.? ?You do that,? Alice said with a smirk. ?I?ve got work to do.?

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