I'm only negative about life, because most people think positive about it. Comparison always begins at a set standard. Most people just happen to be more positive about life than I am.
I'm not depressed. People just think I am because they think I think negative about life, or more generally, evaluate existence at a different level from the general norm.
This is the result of the lack of what an id needs to overcome its counterpart superego, which is the comprehension and realization of natural human values, the most important being human relations. Because I failed to assimilate to my environment and society at an early age, my observational skills completely transcended my innate nature. I don't think living is a bad thing, but I don't think dying is a bad thing either. To make things simple, I don't have a civil or social sense of morality, but am held back from doing what most people would call crime because of consequence or fear. I don't have a sense of value because I see my environment as a bunch of matter and energy, and all conceptual ideas such as race, finance, truth, etc. is rooted to that physical observation. If everyone thought the way my superego does, life would be "safe" but life wouldn't be "fun," because life wouldn't need to be "fun" anymore. That's just not possible though, because of probability.
Simply put, I was raised in the perfect condition to become a human with a distorted mentality. Distorted from most peoples' points of view.
I hope that answers your questions. I don't mind if people like life. I mind if people say I'm wrong because I don't like life as much as most people do. I'm not most people, because the "most people" that I know shaped me that way, and I have no intention of changing my ideas about existence. My id suffers, but it's been suffering since I was 6, so I've gotten used to it. My superego has become the shield to my mental weakness. All of this existential reasoning is, in fact, a natural psychological barrier produced by the id to keep it from feeling negative emotions. I think the subject is fascinating.
If you don't like me for how I think, then simply leave me alone. I'm quite used to it. After hearing what I said above, I doubt you would want a heartless apology for my actions.
As for what I achieve, there is no reason that would satisfy my will to live life, or to lose life. Life is a game that I don't want to play. Existence is the rule that binds me to it. That is all.
Without this upbringing, I wouldn't have been able to do that analysis. It's like the principle of equivalent trade lol (not at all, but you know what I mean).
If you don't want me to delete my account, then fine. I'll leave it here. I just thought you wouldn't want an inactive and empty account lying around. Although I may be prone to come back later in the future, not many people would accept me any way, because this kind of action isn't accepted by the general public. On the internet, the consequences for such an action are lightly taken (probably because most people don't see my seriousness), but I just go with the flow. If I can't come back, I won't come back. If I can't commit suicide, I'll live til I die. That's all.
It takes a lot more to change a mentality condition like this one. I have no will of changing it because I don't suffer from it in the least. Rather, I have a strong will to keep myself who I am, because I think differently from others. It's probably my own way of making believe that I have some value to this world. Therefore, I probably won't change for a long time.
PS: I'm a completely different person irl than I am on the internet, because I have no time to think as much as I do here than in reality. I play Touhou with the few friends I have, go visit places like the Suwa Shrine because I want to put up a wish tablet with a yukkuri on it, laugh at funny videos etc.
PSS: I finished Hakurei Reimu lol.
