Round 5 of the Maid Competition, Saniwa Inn, Kitchen, 5.00 PM, Day 4, Featuring everyone, mainly team FUBAR, team Starlight, and the judges Stereotypical army bootcamp marching song plays in the background?
?All right you maggots, listen up! This here?s no longer pre-k. The kitchen is the woman?s battlefield, it is her pride, her joy, her everything!" Sakuya roared as she walked up and down the ranks of nervous-looking girls in traditional Japanese maid costumes (kimonos with aprons, essentially).
?Here, women are free from oppression! Free to do whatever they choose! Free to cook as they see fit?.? Sakuya said, with a faraway expression. Everyone was following her gaze, trying to see what far off paradise she was envisaging. ?BUT?!? She roared, causing everyone to jump in fear. ??With such freedom and power comes great responsibility! We women fight wars here against fire and salt, against dough and adversity!? She roared, causing everyone to flinch in utter terror. ?If you die here, nobody will come back to retrieve your corpse! Remember that!? She leaned in so close that her face was a mere inch away from Jan, causing her to lean backwards in fear. ?Upon us is that burden of serving the very best culinary delights worthy of the delicate taste buds of our masters, mistresses, and guests!? She screamed in Zei?s face, showering her with spit. ?We must prove ourselves and the pride of our kitchen at every turn as we pursue that every elusive new taste!?
?Wow?that?s intense?? Sanasan murmured. ??gosh, I?m glad I?m not in cooking 101.?
?I sure hope you know what you?re doing.? Renko sighed. ?Cause I don?t.?
?But?.you?re a girl!? Sanasan exclaimed.
?I?m a theoretical physicist first and foremost!? Renko cried. ?Besides, what got it into your head that ALL GIRLS have to be able to cook?!?
??.well?.? Sanasan shrugged. ?Err?.don?t all..err?.girls know how to..err?cook? Isn?t it something that comes with having two X chromosomes? You know, something in your genes? The cook gene. Y?know, that one gene that the Y chromosome lacks??
??.great, the fate of the team rests in our hands and NEITHER OF US CAN COOK?!? Renko cried in exasperation. ?Plus the other team outnumbers us 3 to 1. Don?t we get some sort of handicap?!
They both looked sidelong at team FUBAR?.who, were living up to their namesake very, very nicely. Alice was eyeing a pressure cooker with all the intellectual curiosity of a Neanderthal appraising a pencil. Reimu was glaring at the oven as if daring it to challenge her or explode for that matter. Suika was holding a spatula as if she had never seen one before in her life. And Marisa was experimenting with using her mouth to lift up objects due to the lack of arm functionality?.and perhaps that of her brain too.
Renko and Sanasan?s eyebrows twitched perceptibly. They
As for the team leader?.
?Don?t worry, Sanasan. I?m going to do this blindfolded.? Mikoto said with a friendly grin. Suika and Alice were holding her up by her shoulders. ?Marisa?s not using her arms, Alice is used to leaving her cooking to her dolls, and Reimu?.well?.she?s Reimu.?
?HEY! What?s that supposed to mean?!? Reimu demanded, indignation etched all over her face.
??and Ruukoto?s not here because she?s busy?err?.? She strained her ears for a bit. ?Ah, yes, Ruukoto?s busy keeping Sakuya and Yumeko from murdering the trainees.?
??.I don?t think we need a handicap?? Renko murmured. ?In fact I?m seriously wondering why the fire alarm hasn?t gone off yet??
??.that?s not making me feel any better?.? Sanasan sighed. ?Are you even FIT to be ALIVE, let alone cooking?? She asked Mikoto.
?The rest of the team?s working hard. I?ve got to keep up.? Mikoto said determinedly. ?Plus it?s good training.?
?Training?? Sanasan blinked, but before she could elicit an answer from Mikoto, Yumeko had stepped out onto the battlefield, carrying a meat-cleaver.
?Ready?? Yumeko tossed a watermelon into the air. ?Set!? She raised her meat-cleaver. ?START!? She split the watermelon in two.
The two teams blinked at the battle?s first casualty, the poor watermelon, looked up at Yumeko, gulped, and got to work.
====flashback===
A few hours ago, in room 202?
?Mukyuu?..? Patchouli murmured, her eyebrows furrowed in an expression of deep concentration. ?There really is nothing, I?m afraid.? Patchouli said finally.
?So there really is nothing?? Alice sighed. ?I know Makai mages have nothing for it.?
?I?m blanks toos, ze.? Marisa said.
??I see?? Mikoto bowed her head in disappointment. Magic has always seemed to hi?err..her like something omnipotent, something that will always have an answer to everything?given enough mana. But if even Gensokyo?s most knowledgeable mage was stumped?
?But that doesn?t mean there WON?T be something.? Patchouli said. ?Magic isn?t a static field. There?s always room for development and as they say, necessity is the mother of invention.?
?How do we do that?? Mikoto asked, suddenly enthusiastic once more.
?How am I supposed to know?? Patchouli asked. ?You?ve got two passable mages and a miko on your team, I?m sure they?ll be able to scrounge up SOMETHING. Contracts and mana sharing are something rather poorly understood as we mages have never really bothered with it. You may find something to take advantage of there.?
?Now, if you?ll excuse me, I have a massage contest to go to?? She said, as if dreading the coming of some evil entity out to rob her soul. And with that she left.
?Hmm?so how do we use our contracts to our advantage?? Mikoto asked.
?Fufufu?I have the perfect plan?? Marisa began. ?We?.psst psst psst? She whispered. Everyone bent into listen, nodding fervently.
??.you?re seriously going to do that?? Reimu asked, her eyebrows twitching.
?Hey, any port in a storms ze.? Marisa said.
??.Can I switch teams, please?? Alice asked.
??.I wanna do it! I wanna do it!? Suika leapt up and down.
?Umm?err?? Ruukoto looked around at her team mates worriedly. ??please?be careful?? She finally managed.
?All right!? Marisa grinned. ?That?s what we?ll do then. Team FUBAR, MOVE OUT!?
======Back to the present===
Unfitting music plays -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HGQS5XSoJ4?And they?re off!? Aya shouted from her commentator box. ?First up is the soup. That should be easy, right? What does the head-maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion think??
?The soup is more complex than you think.? Sakuya began, steepling her fingers in front of her face. ?It initiates the gourmet on his journey of culinary exploration. It has to be enticing to his tongue, a prologue, a preview if you will, of the grandeur that is the main dish. The soup must be delicately appetizing in its own right but it musn?t spoil the main dish. It has to be planned well and coordinated with the main dish. A perfect balance of flavour and texture, that?s the key. And?.?
?Oooh?.!? Aya cried. ?Team Starlight seem to be planning it out all right. They?ve even got a blueprint out.?
Indeed, team Starlight seemed to be seriously appraising a blueprint hanging above their counter. It was either plans for a really interesting take on French Potage or an ion flux drive to send humans to Jupiter. They pointed things out to each other, argued, scribbled new annotations, took out calculators, punched out equations, wrote them down, argued more, before finally nodding and shaking each other?s hands over the blueprints.
??.It seems they?ve reached some sort of conclusion.? Aya said. ?As for team FUBAR?.?
?Zzzzzzzzzz?.daze? Marisa snored atop her counter, her eyes hidden underneath a wooly nightcap.
?It seems Marisa is sleeping?.? Aya said, her eyes twitching.
?Idiot black white! How can we sleep too if you?re snoring that loudly!? Alice shouted, throwing a frying pan at Marisa.
?DAZEEEE!? Marisa yelped.
?So much for diving. I knew that wasn?t going to help?? Mikoto muttered, shaking Suika awake from where she was lying comfortably in the oven. ?Oy, Rei?? He looked around and found Reimu curled up in a futon under the counter?.
?WAKE UP!?
?That should have been obvious. Diving only works when you?re ASLEEP! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COOK?!? Alice shouted in Marisa?s face.
?Then it?s time for plan B!? Marisa declared. ?Battle stations, everyone!?
??.back to team Starlight?? Aya said, a little weary. ??.they seem to be?err?I don?t know, what are they doing??
Renko was using a compass to measure the diameter of a potato. Sanasan was taking notes carefully. She then raised into the light, turned it around so that it caught the light at different angles, before giving it a quick lick and smacking her lips appreciatively. Then she placed it in what looked like a make-shift mass spectrometer made out of an empty can, aluminum foil, and a dismantled microwave. Sparks and ungodly light filled the room for a moment. Then, seemingly satisfied that the potato had fulfilled whatever insane criteria she had cooked up, she placed it in a box marked ?qualified?. Next to it was a box marked ?Rejected? which now contained a tomato, an egg, a piece of celery, a leg of pork, a turkey, an elephant?s foot, a boar, and an upset-looking Minoriko Aki who was sniffling quietly with her back against the rejected boar.
??..aha?.ahaha?.ahahaha?.? Aya?s eyebrows were twitching dangerously now. ?Ummm?.I?m no master cook, but I have a feeling they?re doing something wrong??
?I see, that?s the Haversian method?? Yumeko?s eyes flashed.
?Whu?WHA?!? Aya blinked.
?Yes, yes, truly impressive.? Sakuya nodded. ?It?s an unorthodox method of cooking that had long been disputed, a brainchild of East Anglian Monks who perfected the method of quantitative cuisine management.?
??ok?.? Aya blinked. ?Back to team FUBAR?.err?.what on earth???
?Minds eye?.minds eye?.minds eye?.? Mikoto chanted over and over again as she groped across the counter.
?Open your third eye, see the light. C?mon baby, I?m on the set. Do the impossible, see the invisible, raw raw fight da POWAH!? Marisa rapped.
?Do you think this is working?? Alice asked, banging a wooden spoon against her pan, too frustrated to care. ??seriously, echo-location??
?It?s fun!? Suika laughed, rhythmically beating her saucepan with a hammer.
?Yes! This must be the pepper!? Mikoto declared, having found a tube of laxative.
?Oh wow, we must be beating the saucepan wrong?? Alice said. ?If we beat it like this?? She increased the tempo of her beating.
?Ah, and this is the salt!? Mikoto announced, holding up a bottle of cyanide.
??.we?re doing something wrong.? Alice sighed in defeat.
??.are they?cooking?? Aya asked, her hand grasping her desk for stability.
?I see, this is the long-lost Hoki-Doki style of cooking.? Sakuya said, appreciatively.
?WHAT?! IT?S A STYLE?!? Aya blinked.
?It was a cooking style adopted to complement blind-fighting. Hoki-Doki monks would go deep into dark caves to train blind-fighting, but they would continue their training while cooking as well. One of the highlights of this style is the complete avoidance of fire use to maintain darkness. The lack of heat created the need to compensate through flavour, creating a cold yet flavour-rich delicacy through a masterful synergy between martial arts technique and culinary prowess.? Yumeko explained in one breath.
?Ok?..and team Starlight is?.do I dare look?? Aya looked around?and immediately regretted it. She had to shield her eyes for fear of going blind.
Sanasan and Renko had donned welding masks and were applying doing *something* with a welding torch and a sledgehammer. Sanasan repeatedly beat something on an anvil with the sledgehammer while Renko applied the welding torch to it with all the finesse of a hippo attempting ballerina on a tightrope.
??.I?m lost.? Aya groaned against her desk.
?This is?.? Sakuya began.
?DON?T TELL ME THIS IS ANOTHER COOKING STYLE!? Aya snapped.
??.This is ironworking.? Sakuya finally decided, sweat droplets of apprehension on her forehead. ?Such technique. Such finesse??
?Indeed. Indeed.? Yumeko nodded appreciatively with all the air of someone utterly lost but is too much an authority to admit it. ??the hammer?and the anvil thing?and?err?.?
?Back to team FUBAR?.? Aya said weakly. ??.what?s going on there??
?Ten times clockwise, three times anti-clockwise?.? Alice chanted as she stirred the cauldron that team FUBAR has somehow managed to place atop the stove.
?Reimu Reimu?.? Suika murmured. ?That tomato is groaning.?
?Shhh?.? Mikoto whispered. ?I think sentience has evolved in there.?
?Will you shut up and pass me the sake?? Reimu demanded.
?But you don?t add the sake until?? Mikoto began.
?Just?.? Reimu grabbed it out of Mikoto?s hands. ??gimme.? She tossed a generous helping into the pan over the groaning tomato, causing it to scream a pitiful little scream of pain and agony.
??you killed it?? Suika said sadly.
?Well, it was going to dies anyways daze.? Marisa said. ?The cheese would have killed it at some point. I mean, look, it?s started to go to war with the celery.? She pointed out. ?I think the sake started it.?
?Looks like my onions have decided to remain neutral.? Alice observed. ??though it seems to be cannibalizing the remains of that tomato?.?
?Will you people shut up and let me concentrate on the soup?? Reimu asked, her voice shaking dangerously.
??..I?m?.giving up?.I can?t comment?? Aya moaned, looking around at team Starlight in a last ditch attempt at some semblance of sanity.

.twice clockwise, three times anti-clockwise?.? Renko said, stirring something in a metal dish. ??and then spin at 300 RPMs?.? She added, turning on a centrifuge machine and emptying the contents of the dish into it. ?
?That sounds right.? Sanasan nodded with approval. ?And then we rapid-freeze it with liquid nitrogen.?
??.? Aya was squirming against her desk, unable to find words to describe the fiasco before her.
Finally?.
?And so we have the results for the soup!? Aya declared, her face twitching dangerously. ?Now for the taste testing!?
The audience took a gigantic step back...
?Team FUBAR will now present their creation to the judges.? Aya said as team FUBAR stepped up with a huge cauldron(?) of creamy mushroom soup(?).
There was palpable tension in the air?which was probably the noxious fumes from team FUBAR?s cauldron. There was a demilitarized zone around the cauldron that even oxygen and water vapour had decided to avoid.
?Cream of mushroom soup.? Alice said, flatly, gesturing at the cauldron. ?Who wants to go first??
Yumeko looked around at Sakuya?.who looked around at Youmu?.who looked around at Ruukoto?.
?err?umm?me?? Ruukoto asked, uncertainly.
?As good a warm body as anyone?s.? Alice nodded. ?Ladle?? She asked. Suika heaved a heavy-duty pholtic-resin ladle into Alice?s hand.
She dipped it into the cauldron carefully, eliciting a hiss and a huge puff of steam from the soup?s surface. The surface cracked under the ladle?s assault, allowing something that resembled soup?.and probably molten lava, out.
She carefully lifted a ladle-full over Ruukoto?s bowl. A small bead of soup gathered under the ladle and threatened to drip?
?the audience leapt for cover behind every available cover including the rejected boar and elephant?s foot.
?and it dripped onto Ruukoto?s bowl?.
?.rather harmlessly?
?causing everyone in the room to feel rather silly.
Alice casually let the rest of the ladle?s contents spill into the soup bowl before placing it reverentially in front of Ruukoto. ?Enjoy.? She said, with relish.
Ruukoto looked up at Alice, then looked around at her fellow judges who had abandoned her to her fate, around at her team who looked expectant and hopeful?
?she gulped?
?drum roll?