Maidens of the Kaleidoscope

~Hakurei Shrine~ => Patchouli's Scarlet Library => Topic started by: Eatay on January 07, 2012, 09:17:23 AM

Title: Intersecting lives
Post by: Eatay on January 07, 2012, 09:17:23 AM
So, first time posting up a story, go easy on me. A couple of notes before we get started.

Title: Wakeful morning
Post by: Eatay on January 07, 2012, 09:22:28 AM
Wakeful morning
?Stop!?

?Oh! You're awake today I see. Well then, have fun standing in the sun.? The black dressed magician smirked, turning to walk past the Meiling

?Wait no!!? Meiling grabbed Marisa?s shoulder and stepped in between her and the gateway, preventing her from further progress into the impending break in.

?What? I?m a young lady of literature, so to occupy my day in the great library of Gensokyo and satisfy my interests before absconding with a couple of the texts, would fill in today quite perfectly.? Marisa fidgeted, rummaging through the fold of her dress. ?And you can?t stop me.? Marisa?s hand raised the spell card as she declared the intent.

 ?Star sign, Stardust reverie?

With a burst of rainbow light, Marisa?s broom shot forwards, slamming into Meiling. Marisa deftly climbed on top of her broom, before kicking off the extra baggage that weighed the front of the broom.

?And in I go.? Marisa lanced through the window, shattering the stained glass into thousands, sending an array of dazzling light flitting around as glass shards mingled with the trailing sea of stars. Those glass fragments did not bother Marisa, but the ever growing wall of knives did.

?Oh hell?  Lying flat onto her broom, Marisa began weaving through gaps in the blades, swerving and narrowly avoiding impalement by the chief maid?s deadly skill. Strangely, when viewed from the outside, the corridor was only wide enough for two to walk comfortably beside each other. However the corridor Marisa entered felt as big as courtyard, providing her ample space to remain in flight. Whilst she could prevent her body from taking any damage, her dress however, was not as lucky. Frays, cuts and gaping tears began appearing, and by the time she had reached the library?s entrance, it was by some divine blessing that allowed her dress to continue to maintain her modesty.

? A rat keeps coming, on and on, constantly taunting an asthmatic cat. But what if the cat learns new tricks to catch the mouse?? A new voice echoed down the hall, originating from the library doors. Looking forwards, another magician was floating in a gap of the knives, this one an elementalist and donned in purple robes that were strangely similar to nightwear.

?Never thought she would become so serious. Hmm, wonder what new traps she set. But she?s here, so maybe it is not traps but new spells? Psst, never mind, Master Spark takes care of every trap ever possible.? Smirking, Marisa straightened up, standing up on her flying broom to better view her next opponent.

?Wood Sign Sylphae Horn? Patchouli declared, however, without the usual card holding up sign.

?Strange, why use this one? I mean, didn?t I already crush this card during the Red Mist incident? Yup I sure did, so no reason to use unless it is a diversion, right??  Marisa thought. ?And why ain?t the razor leaves attacking me? I mean it should, right? ...?

Just then, a book levitated up to Marisa?s side, flipping it pages to reveal the declared spellcard, already disintegrating.

?Oh!? Marisa found herself tumbling through the air as her broom was swept from under her in a swirl of spring leaves and storm winds attacking from the side, instead of the usual front.1

?Damn it, didn?t know that she could cast without holding it.? As Marisa rolled through the air, she frantically searched her dress for her desired spellcard, and one other item. ?Well, enough time for a last counter attack, just for the the heck of it.?

?Love sign, Master Spark?

Just then, the entire place burst in white light
______________________________________________________________________________________


White light filtered through the wooden frame windows of the Hakurei Shrine, illuminating the sleeping maiden?s face, the bright light replicating the flash of Marisa?s Master Spark.2


?Too bright, too bright.? Rubbing her eyes, the young lady sat up. ? Just a dream huh? Ended so abruptly too. Why always do good dreams never end. Strange, recently quite a few dreams as Marisa. Was living as Marisa that exciting??

?Mmph? Reimu turned round to the small lump the the sheets of the futon, which shuffled slightly but didn?t surface. A small smile rose to Reimu?s lips as she began to recall the previous night events.

Marisa had previously arranged to go drinking while watching the lunar eclipse, and she even prepared a special new spell. Although most of her spells involve destruction of some kind, this particular one, designed to concentrate any liquid to increase its intensity whilst reducing its volume. This was going to be used on the sake, before drinking it, but an earlier test knocked Suika and Yuugi with one sip, so it was a potent brew not to be used lightly. Luckily it was locked away as soon as Reimu heard of it and the two spent the rest of the night drinking normal sake donated by an earlier visitor. The worst that happened was the nonsense that she blabbed as she got drunk.

Slightly surprised at the lack of a hangover, Reimu got up, leaving the lump to continue slumbering on. ?Late morning? Reimu judged from the position of the sun. ?Ah well, lets prepare breakfast?

Standing up, Reimu realized that she was not decked out in her usual shrine maiden outfit, nor her nightclothes but what seemed to be Marisa?s dress, black and white. Regardless, Reimu straightened out her dress, preferring to start on breakfast rather than change back into her regular outfit, whilst wondering ? Really what happened last night? If I were to guess, i would say I passed out after my seventh cup, Marisa carried me to bed and as a joke, swapped dresses with me. Hehe, wonder how she looks with detachable sleeves.? Strangely, uninvited guests had a habit of turning up to the shrine when Reimu least expected it, therefore if she was to make do with Marisa?s dress, she neatened it so it at least looked decent.

?Ok, time to start on breakfast? Starting to prepare the leftover rice and vegetable from last night?s dinner, Reimu began reminiscing about recent events. Recently, the Hakurei shrine had alot of visitors coming in, requesting exorcisms and purification rituals. This had something to do with the high volume of evil spirits that emerged with the geyser, thus Reimu was made busier than ever, and alot more donation came in as a result. This allowed Reimu to fill her pantry for once, considering previously, the only visitors were the youki she had beaten previously. Orin had stayed awhile in fact, but soon had to return to her proper master Satori. Orin?s stay however did bear some fruit as she did sneakily allow some of the evil spirits in her care to posses people, giving Reimu more business, donations and faith.
>
?Huh? Reimu?? Peeking out from behind the sheets, Marisa tried to control rational thought as she saw someone dressed in black leaving the room, but soon lost it, sending her back into slumber.

A while later, the smell of steamed rice and vegetables wafted into the room. Marisa got up, her stomach more in control as her entire being ached and every muscle mostly refused to obey simple instructions. It was a feeling of sea sickness as she climbed out of the futon, her head did not feel too good, constantly throbbing.

Crawling on all fours to the nearest wall, Marisa supported herself against the wall and slowly made her way to the kitchen, ever step aggravating the pain in her head.
>

There was something special about Reimu and Marisa that allowed them to remove all grudges almost as soon as any incident was solved. The most recent one, involved going underground to check why the evil spirits had came up, and they met the mind reader Satori, along with her pets Orin and Okuu.3

[SFX: Thud!] ? Ah Reimu, what you cooking?... And why is my head hurting so much??

?Strange, I know for a fact that Marisa didn?t drink enough till drunk, so her hangover shouldn?t be that bad.? Reimu thought, picking up the heavy footsteps belonging to that of a recovering drunken person. ? Wait a second, why I don?t recognize that voice.?

Reimu had very good memory for voices, considering that ever yokai she had fought always gave a fancy pep talk before any damaku began, and often came back to visit the shrine to chat and drink tea. As a result, Reimu could often tell just by the welcome who came and which tea they preferred, not that the shrine had alot of variety.

Just at that moment, a young girl fell into the room, but it wasn?t Marisa. A girl, in red-white miko outfit, with black hair tied up with a big red ribbon.

?Who are you?? Reimu asked, as she pulled the girl up to her feet. ?Thought only Marisa was here??

?Why do you look like me?? the girl replied, unknowingly avoiding Reimu?s question. Her eyes seemed unfocussed and body unstable as she leaned on the wall for support.

?Huh?? Drawing a knife to use as a mirror.4 , Reimu saw the face of Marisa staring back at her. On the other side, Marisa saw the reflection of Reimu's body leaning against the wall.

"Reimu?"

"Marisa?!"

Both came to the realization at the same time. They were in each others body.

Well, lets just say the birds were shook pretty badly from their roosting position by their scream.



notes: 
1> if you ever had the carpet yanked from under you, combined with the free fall of sky diving, you would roughly know how Marisa feels right now.
2> Just wondering if you know what I mean when I say that dreams mimic reality? You know, when you dream of falling and you are on the floor, dream of a loud sound that wakes you up, or in Reimu?s case, light in dream is real.
3> this story takes place roughly after the events of Subterranean Animalism, before Undefined Fantastic Object, so the paragraph is just an event marker to tell time
4> I do not recommend this at all, never do this in any situation, thank you.
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: Eatay on January 07, 2012, 09:24:35 AM
You know, actually I am a one man team on this, feels a bit lonely, especially since I have no proof reader. Anyone willing to help mentor a rookie to improve his story, I am very welcome to receive help.Thanks.
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: TheHost on January 08, 2012, 01:50:25 PM
Good day to you sir!

First and foremost, i would like to sincerely thank you for putting this up as i can see that you've put in an immense amount of effort into designing the plot.  Personally, i am not your absolute fan of the TouHou series but i respect it as one of the phenomenal games that drowns people in pure pleasure and fun. Your story has a very interesting plot and indeed, intersecting lives. I am quite drawn into the plot as it unfolds and the witty conversations help to liven up the mood and ensure that readers dont die of awesomeness. Im kidding but you get my point. The short and sweet conversations being thrown in here and there ensures that readers don't get purely the plot but also some fun jabs of laughter to make sure we dont get bored of the story, so that's a nice plus point for your story.

However, i do have a small request that if it were possible for you to branch out for each character a small background intro or maybe mention a little bit on how they came around. Yes, i am not a hardcore fan of Touhou and yes, people who visit this forum already know who which character is but still, i believe that does not give you reason not to develop more on their background. From a bird's eye view, it would flow nicer as a story on the whole as we readers will be able to understand where each character comes from.

Speaking of character, just like any anime out there, people like to connect with characters. They like to root for their favourite characters and being quite the K-Drama addict, i can fully understand how some people can get so drawn into a character that they ignore the plot and just want to read up more on that special individual. So just a friendly advice ( I hope you understand that i am not putting your work down but just shooting off what comes out of my mind and i sincerely hope you do not find this offensive because in no way do i mean it so ), maybe you could let us readers into the mind of the characters more. Readers tend to like to connect with characters in a story and as you develop each character more by showing us how their personality is, it would certainly add on to the engagement level.

The combat scenes are thought out really well and kudos to you as it was really quite an experience picturing it in my head. In fact, you're getting me even more interested in the game!  I may not be a master critic but i can tell that you really enjoy your work and i believe that as long as you keep refining, keep writing, keep thinking, your story would be able to attract even more viewers. I hope that you will continue to write along this storyline and it would only be more interesting if you can start weaving in snippets of plots from other games into your story.

Still, i hope you found my nonsensical review a little bit helpful and if i did manage to help you in any sorts, im really appreciative of you appreciating my reply (: P.S I am not a professional critic so please pardon me for my immature views and opinions! Should i have mentioned anything that was offensive to anyone, my apologies!
Title: Notes.
Post by: Eatay on January 09, 2012, 03:04:41 PM
Quote from: UnspokenDyslexic on January 09, 2012, 03:04:41 PM
This is going to get real confusing, so lets simplify things a bit. Now, Reimu is in Marisa?s body and vice versa. So I will write names like this.

Name of original person(Name of the body)

Eg: Reimu( Marisa)


Note, before the characters realized there is a switch I will not write it as such and neither in dialogue, thoughts or recollections of the past. Also, when I say Marisa(Reimu) snapped her hand for example, I mean Reimu?s body containing Marisa hand snapped. Hmm, now I might just want to take that example and put it into practice,  but maybe later


So a friend made me realize this might confuse quite a few people, much more than clarifying. So I decided to add a recap session before each chapter to clear up who is who. So do your best to enjoy.

Oh and love it when you review all my errors, helps me improve, but for dialogue, lets spoil the grammar to bring out the character.

Oh and one last thing, Thoughts are in italics. And now please enjoy.

On a side note, rushed out this piece today as celebrations for my O-Levels score, I got 8A1s, only take 8 subjects. Yes!. Best score possible for me to get, even English is A1.
Title: Living in each other
Post by: Eatay on January 09, 2012, 03:08:40 PM
Living in each other
Recap,
Marisa was in hangover mode, and realized that the body she was in was not hers but Reimu's
Reimu had woken up earlier than Marisa, but failed to see the signs till Marisa stumbled into the kitchen, and that Marisa was in her body, and Reimu was in Marisa's body.



There was no doubt what had happened.1

?Ah!!? Reimu charged Marisa, tackling her to the ground. Straddling her, Reimu bore down on her like a ton of brick, digging quickly through her former outfit,  drawing the familiar spellcard.

 ?Dream sign, Fantasy seal?

The declaration was made with all her might, but she felt no surge in magical energy, nor saw any multi-coloured balls emerge to smash her target. Infuriated Reimu grabbed Marisa?s shoulder, pinning her to the floor. Accusations flowed fast and free.

?What the hell did you do! You did this right? Answer me! What did you do to my drink?? Reimu was practically screaming by now, shaking poor Marisa till her head kept banging against the floor.

?III-dddiid-nnothing, nnow stopp sshhakking mee? Reimu wasn?t convinced, but was prepare to give the offending magician a chance.2

? Me specialize in magic that blows things up right? Then how am I to do this sort of thing ze??

?That?s right.? Reimu began to calm down, and thoughts flowed more rationally instead of the previously shotgun accusation she made. Feeling a poke on her thigh, Reimu looked down at her captive 

?Err, Reimu. Could you get off me? You in me, very heavy ze. And scary, knife reminds me of Sakuya.? Marisa squirmed slightly under Reimu?s weight. Reimu realized that she was holding the knife, and it was dangerously close to Marisa?s throat.

?That was close? Reimu thought as she rolled off Marisa and replacing the knife. ?Nearly cut my own throat, sort of. Then I will be stuck in Marisa forever, NOOOOOOO!?

[SFX: Smack!]

Reimu fell over, following the force that hit her face.

?Oi! NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT DIDN?T HAPPEN. Kay?? Marisa towered over her, hand behind her ear, indicating that she had been the one to hit Reimu. ?Come on, pull yourself together... There, there. What happened ain?t going to fix itself while you cry, you know.? Marisa offered a hand to help Reimu up, ironically the same one that sent her down in the first place.
 
No response, Reimu just lay there in a daze, stunned both by the words and the slap she had received.

?Ah!? Marisa exclaimed, pulling at her hair, ?Fine be that way, stay stuck in little Marisa?s body, or pick yourself up, and give whoever needs it the good old fashion miko beat-down they deserve ze. Meet me by the kotatsu, we should talk.? Turning her back, Marisa immediately went to draw water from the pump, and then set to boil for the tea.

Returning to the living room several minutes later, Marisa?s hands were laden with a tray carrying the tea. Reimu was shaking her head furiously, as if shaking it enough might reverse the situation to something better.

?Why? Why me?? Reimu pleaded to no-one in particular. 

?Tea?s ready? Ignoring Reimu?s previous comment, Marisa start to pour tea for the both of them.

?Why did we switch bodies? And why can?t I use my spell card??

?To the first,? Holding up one finger, Marisa continued, ?No idea. But why you can?t use your little fantasy seal, I think I might know. A spellcard is a focus point to channel your energy into a form that is comfortable to your usage. Therefore you cannot use another person?s spell card unless that person?s spellcard style is very similar to yours. Like my master spark from Yuka and non-directional laser from Patchouli.?

?Simpler please,? Reimu blurted, ? your head doesn?t seem to be good for thinking.? Emphasized by tapping her forehead.

?Ok, basically you cannot use your spellcard cause you are in my body. Kay??

Reimu sighed, her shoulder dropping, downing her tea like sake in an attempt to calm her nerves. ?Oh ya, breakfast is also prepared. Though by now it is more like lunchtime.? Reimu excused herself to bring to food that was almost forgotten in the chaos that had just ensued.

.
.
.
Girls are eating... 3
.
.
.
Later on.

? I swear to kill whoever is responsible for this mess!? Wincing at the venom laced in Reimu?s words, Marisa took the opportunity to admire how cute her original self looked when angry, very rare chance as it wasn?t ever day that people switch bodies. ? After I have killed them, I will storm Higan and drag them back to kill her once more!?

?Wow, things getting serious? Marisa smiled, placing the wide-brimmed hat onto Reimu. This completed the image of the witch theme Marisa always went by and at the same time also muffled Reimu?s increasingly furious plans of disembowelment and other tortures. ? Although I do prefer the strong willed Reimu compared to the sobbing Reimu just now.?

?Hold on?!?

?Hey Reimu, how you going to fight the culprit? You cannot use any of the spellcards you usually use now, since you are in my body.?

Stopping dead in her plans of forcing her gohei down the throat of the culprit, Reimu tilted her head slightly, staring at nothing in particular. 

?Have no idea? Reimu slammed her head onto the kotasu, punishing herself for this oversight. ? Wow, Marisa... You have a thick skull. Maybe that?s why half the things I tell you don?t register with you.?

 ?Ah that?s it!? Reimu to stood up suddenly, grabbing Marisa's wrist. Striding out of the living room, Reimu dragged Marisa along.

?Err Reimu, not in my body, so can?t read what?s in my head. What are you doing??

The next phrase uttered was a phrase Marisa never expected to ever hear Reimu say, whether in her own body or not.

...


notes:
1> How it happened? Well... Why spoil the fun so soon
2>Yes technically now Reimu is the one with magic, but please give me a break, I meant Marisa as in Marisa in this statement. Ok now I got that out off the way.
3> I had to do that, just for fun


Please review, constructive comments and enjoy this piece. Also like it when I hear encouragements, gives me more motivation to write.
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: Alfred F. Jones on January 09, 2012, 10:54:40 PM
Quote from: UnspokenDyslexic on January 09, 2012, 03:08:40 PM
Please review, constructive comments and enjoy this piece.
All right. Sound effects like "Smack!" should probably be in italics or some other font to distinguish them as sound effects. Also, things like "[Note: I had to do that, just for fun]" disrupt the flow of your story. If you must put your author's notes in the middle of the story, then mark them with an asterisk and leave the notes at the end.

It is a little unfair, because you have dyslexia, to point this out: there are grammatical errors that also disrupt the flow. However, since you have a good reason for most of them and you don't have a proofreader, I can let it slide. As always, the best way to get better writing is to practice, so just keep on writing and you should be golden later. :)
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: Eatay on January 14, 2012, 02:24:33 PM
Quote from: Akemi Homururo on January 09, 2012, 10:54:40 PM
All right. Sound effects like "Smack!" should probably be in italics or some other font to distinguish them as sound effects. Also, things like "[Note: I had to do that, just for fun]" disrupt the flow of your story. If you must put your author's notes in the middle of the story, then mark them with an asterisk and leave the notes at the end.


Got it, thanks alot for the comments, will continue and try and improve along the way. Btw, if you know any good proofreaders, could you introduce them to me?
Title: The talk before the storm
Post by: Eatay on January 29, 2012, 10:41:19 AM
The talk before the storm.
Recap.
Reimu in Marisa, with quite venomous thoughts on the destruction of whoever who caused the madness. Came up with the idea to train as Marisa
Marisa is in Reimu, basically now getting dragged along by Reimu to do whatever it takes to put Reimu's plans into motion against the perpetrator.


"We're going to train."

"Wah? But you never ever, ever, ever, ever train. I mean, you.. just don't... train, and now you want to?" Marisa stammered as she got
dragged out of the living room by Reimu.1

"Sure," Reimu replied cheerfully, doing an almost 180 degree change from her previous enraged mode. "Or else how am I to beat the crap out of
whoever did this? Since I am in your body, I might as well adapt and have you train me."

"Erm... ok. But on one condition, I come with to beat her up, and you have to teach me your spells." Marisa stood up, walking outside with Reimu.

"Deal."

Squinting as bright light partially blinded them as they stepped outside onto the wooden planks of the porch. The courtyard of the shrine was a nice large open area, perfect for practicing magic, flying , danmaku or any other training required without too much collateral damage.

"So, where do we start?" Marisa asked, whilst mentally trying to summarize the key areas that Reimu had to learn to make her able to
fight properly.

"Stay here!" was the only response Reimu gave, walking to the back of the shrine to the storehouse. Fidgeting Marisa started searching
through her clothing till she chanced upon the deck of spell cards Reimu usually held.

"Hmm, now what is there...?" Flicking her way through the deck, familiar names appeared, mostly from the Broken Moon incident2, and other
fights she got into with Reimu.

"Here!" Thrusting a set of scrolls at Marisa, Reimu returned also carrying her gohei and Marisa's broom.

"What in the world are these dust-filled horrors?" Marisa dropped the scrolls in disgust, inching slowly away to put some distance between her and
whatever Reimu brought.

"Ancient texts, with the Hakurei bloodline abilities and methods of exorcism, all condensed into thirteen scrolls. For your reading pleasure, since you do
like to read old book from Voile, right?" Reimu recited with absolute calmness, totally ignoring Marisa's first reaction to the scrolls.

"Wow!" Stumped by the sudden rush of information, Marisa reconsidered her earlier disgust based on false premonitions. She reached out to pick up the scrolls, blissfully imagining the beautiful scene of leisurely reading in her own chair whilst occasionally looking out to the Forest of Magic's breathtaking view, when Reimu snatched her hand.

"There is no 'I will die long before you, and therefore you can take it from my corpse' nonsense around here. Either read in the shrine quietly or not at
all." Reimu ordered.

"Relax, ze. After all, since I am in your body, so everybody else will just see you reading your own books at my place." Marisa said with a shrug of her shoulders,
shaking off Reimu's(Marisa) tight grip that prevented her blood flowing properly.

"No means NO! If I find a single scroll that is missing, you are going to Makai begging Shinki to show you a place to hide." Marisa flinched at
the ferocity in Reimu's voice.3

Sitting down in the shaded porch, Marisa reached again for the first tome, her mind now free of any thoughts of robbery. Seconds later,
Reimu yanked Marisa up, quite forcefully too.

"What?! I followed your instructions! Read peacefully here, no paper damaged, nothing missing. What do you want now?" On the verge of frustration,
Marisa was tempted to punch Reimu straight in the face, but held back to hear what Reimu would say.

"First off, you are training me! The only book you have ever written is the Grimnore of Marisa, and while it is useful in other circumstances, it contains
none of your own spells. So without any instruction, how am I going to learn?"

"Oh yea, that's right." Rubbing her hands together, Marisa grabbed her broom, and walked out into the courtyard. "It's payback time!"
Notes:

1> Ok, so in Silent Sinner in Blue, Reimu did train. However, my story cannot be so accurate to Touhou's real time line, so let's assume that we have our
favorite, lazy tea-drinking shrine maiden instead of the god-wielding one in SSIB.
2 >Or better known to canon Touhou fans as Imperishable Night
3 >For those who have never played the PC 98 era Touhou games, Makai is Hell. So in basic terms, what Reimu is trying to say is that she will send Marisa to
Hell, and even then Marisa will still need to find a place to hide from Reimu's wrath.

Authors notes( Yea right, just some cheesy area here for me to vent out how I feel whenever I like.)
A filler arc, that is why it is so short.
So review, constructive comments, insults, random questions, and the occasionally swearing. I am ok with all of that, and actually enjoy that sometimes. ( Well, maybe the insults and swearing needs certain justifications, but you get what I mean.)
Well then enjoy, and hope to hear if any of you got anything to say

Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: FinnKaenbyou on January 31, 2012, 10:15:50 AM
Yo. You asked me to take a look and give my thoughts, so.

Besides the aforemented grammar issues you've got a solid foundation, I think. I understand you have dyslexia and thus it's difficult for you, but a slip in grammar can offput the reader's pace completely, and that can be a big problem.

I think your writing could use a little help from what's called the "Show, Don't Tell" rule. Basically, the idea is that if you let the reader figure out something themselves, it'll have more meaning than if you just tell them. The most basic example would be something like "Joe was sad" compared to "Joe slumped into his chair with a heaving sigh". Same idea, but the latter gets the point across more colourfully.

A quick example from your work:

Quote
"There is no 'I will die long before you, and therefore you can take it from
my corpse' nonsense around here. Either read in the shrine quietly or not at
all." Reimu(Marisa) ordered, trying to prevent the kleptomaniac from stealing
the sacred tomes of her heritage.

In this segment, it's already quite clear that Reimu is trying to stop Marisa from stealing the scrolls (note: a tome implies a book and thus may not be the best choice of words). The point at the end where you restate this fact is unnecessary, because her dialogue already gets the point across. That's the basis of Show, Don't Tell.

Another point - and this is one where there is admittedly some debate - is in your use of saidisms. There are two schools of matter on the thought - there's the school that says 'don't use "Said" because it's bland, use something more descriptive like "spat" or "choked"', and there's the school that says 'said is SUPPOSED to be bland, it's not trying to get a point across'. I sit somewhere between the two - saidisms can be alright, but only in moderation and only if there's a good reason for them.

With regards to having a good reason:
Quote
"So, where do we start?" Marisa(Reimu) questioned,
'Questioned' is, IMO, too long a word for what it's trying to achieve. You could replace it with 'asked' and lose none of the meaning. A saidism shouldn't draw too much attention to itself, because that's not its job.

With regards to being overdone:
Quote
"Relax, ze. After all, since I am in your body, so everybody else will just
see you reading your own books at my place." Marisa(Reimu) lightly commented,
This is just outright unnecessary. If you wanted to show her lack of interest, do it with an action instead, like "Marisa said with a shrug". Saidisms can be distracting, and also go against the idea of Show, Don't Tell.

Here's a nice little article on saidisms and what can be done about them. (http://malcolm-wood.com/Saidisms.html)

The last problem I had is a common one that shows up in body-swap stories, and that's having trouble keeping track of who's who. I know what you were trying to do by writing Reimu(Marisa) and Marisa(Reimu), but seeing both names at the same time just made it even harder to follow. The readers know there's been a body swap - Reimu is in Marisa's body, and vice versa. It might actually be neater just to refer to them by who they are. The reader definitely doesn't need to be reminded every time one of the pair is named.

I hope this is the sort of comment you were looking for, and I hope it doesn't put you off writing. Good luck with the rest of the story.
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: CrowCakes on January 31, 2012, 12:11:08 PM
In line with Rou's comments, yes, there were a lot of parts that told but didn't show. You can try to describe what they're doing instead, especially if they're talking. Content-wise, let's just say I might turn into Parsee.
Title: Fighting this flight
Post by: Eatay on April 21, 2012, 10:08:12 AM
Author's notes:
Sorry about that, quite a while since I last posted updates. Hmm, anyway will have to keep working hard, studies and this.


Recap.
Marisa is in Reimu?s body, with quite interesting results, mainly Marisa?s curiosity to test out Reimu?s full extent of abilities.
Reimu is currently suffering in Marisa?s body, mostly cursing whoever who had done it.




? Alright! You learned to fly magically after descending into Makai, and your hair changed color, but now you don?t know how to fly and we are back at square one. Come with me.? With a beckoning gesture, Marisa walked to center of the courtyard, broom supported across her shoulders.

Despite the knowledge that they would have to be in each others body for a while, it still unsettled Reimu how perfectly Marisa controlled her body. Like one of those dreams where your ethereal self is separate from your body, but in this one her body moved independently. Reimu still had trouble controlling Marisa?s body, mainly due to Marisa?s shorter limbs and height. Rather clumsily, Reimu made her way to Marisa?s side.

Tilting her head upwards, Marisa stared into the sky. Flying. A magical skill she had always wanted as a kid, and yet, it was never easy to learn. How many times had she fallen? The pain of breaking each limb, the crying of a loved one trying to ease the burden, how could she avoid that all...

But. Marisa turned to look carefully at her student. This was Reimu, despite her being in Marisa?s body, she would still be able to learn quickly, something the Hakurei blood possessed, there would be no problems. Right? Ya, she would learn to fly today. Marisa assured herself, spinning the broom overhead.

?Here!? Marisa trusted the broom into Reimu?s hands. ?You two get along now and don?t try and kill each other.?

?Ehhh! Marisa what are you saying??

?What?! She is my greatest friend, saved my life countless number of times. Heck, Mima enchanted her herself. She will be your flying partner while you are in my body.? Marisa lovingly stroked the broom handle.

Suddenly, the broom shoot out from Reimu?s hands, angling upwards. Doing a huge loop, the broom skimmed the floor, knocking Reimu?s legs from under her, forcing her to grab on the broom.

?Maaarriisaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!? Reimu hung on for dear life, screaming whilst the world turned into a whirlwind of shapes and colors as the broom delighted itself doing loop de loops and aerial acrobatics, stopping just short of obstacles and basically did everything Reimu didn?t want it to.

?HAHAHA!!? Marisa fell down and started rolling on the ground  as soon as the broom had took off.

?Help meeeeeeeeeeeee. ? Out of control, the broom continued Reimu?s misery. Currently it was weaving its way through the supporting beams that held up the roof of the shrine, before exiting the shrine and angling upwards.

?Hmmmnn? Marisa mastered her laughter, as it was very inappropriate at the moment. Her eyes traced the patterns that the broom flied in, as multiple calculations ran through her head. Spotting a possible loophole, Marisa kicked off hard against the ground, flying upwards as the broom fired downwards. 

The broom spun towards Marisa?s left, avoiding her outstretched hands. ?Damn, Reimu?s flying is slow!? After three seconds of chasing the broom( Reimu still on it ), Marisa gave up, settling back into a cross legged sitting position on the ground.

At the moment, the broom was doing a figure of eight as a celebratory dance. Reimu hugged the broom tightly, back parallel with the broom?s handle. Without warning, the broom jerked suddenly to the right, forcing Reimu to loosen her tight leg vice on the broom, leaving her hanging onto the broom only with her left hand. Reimu grabbed her left wrist with her right hand to try and improve her grip.

?Reimu, let go!?

? NO FREAKING WAY!?

?Trust me?

 Marisa stood up as she relayed the instructions. As soon as Reimu?s hand stopped contact with the broom, Marisa shot off like a in a sprint race. Assisted by Reimu?s body natural levitation, Marisa leaped upwards to catch the falling Reimu.

?Hiya, did you miss me?? Marisa caught and cradled Reimu in her arms, as the broom proceeded to do spiral down, pulling up last minute and slamming into the donation box.

[SFX:BAM]

?Ah!? Reimu lay in Marisa hands, powerless to do anything but watch as her shrine got massacred by the one broom.  As soon as Marisa landed, Reimu pushed Marisa away, rushing to the front of her shrine, toward the place that her donation box sat on. A mess of splinters and two 100 yen coins scattered around, and in the middle an unharmed broom lying innocently amongst the carnage.

NO NO NO!!! How many times had her shrine been the bloodied victim of some crazed youkai, and now, now her donation box destroyed by Marisa. Crumbling to her knees, Reimu began to do what every young girl does when faced with tragedy. Cry. The donation box meant everything to her, and now lay in a sea of wooden fragments and broken tiles. She may not have been injured, but her heart broke the instant the broom made contact. Tears flowed down her face, as her legs gave way, forcing her body to crash into the ground. It didn?t matter, nothing did now anyway.

?Wow, being Reimu lots easier than it looks. Cause that being only flying, but ya... it?s a step in the right direction right?? Marisa rambled uncontrollably happy, seemingly detached from the disaster that lay in front of her.

Shattered wooden boards, broken frame and a young blonde girl slumped onto the floor, hands holding her face. ?Oh!? This scene would be burned in Marisa?s memory for a long time.

? Come on.? Marisa tried lifting Reimu, only for Reimu to flop back down like a corpse. Propping Reimu against one of the wooden pillars, Marisa poured a cup of tea to sooth Reimu?s nerves down. Reimu stared straight with lifeless eyes, body motionless except for the slight rise and fall caused by breathing.

?Seriously, what am I suppose to do with her?!? Marisa silently raged.
Title: Fight time.
Post by: Eatay on June 04, 2012, 08:12:15 PM
As usual, here is who?s who. Oh and again, Italics means thoughts.

Marisa in Reimu form,

Reimu in Marisa, Crying now and now unmoving. Took extreme psychological hurt when donation box was destroyed.

?How many times do you expect me to say I?m sorry?!? Marisa wailed, flailing her arms wildly. Reimu just stared at her face with blank, unyielding eyes that betrayed no emotions.

Marisa grabbed Reimu limp hands in her own, kneeling before her. ? Please respond, let me know that you are ok. ( Sobs)  Please don?t ignore like this. Just please return to me...? Tears in her eyes, Marisa shook her head, flailing through her thoughts in search of a solution.

?Reimu, return to me. I must fix her, this cannot be the state of the Hakurei shrine maiden.? Marisa stood up, stepping back to assess the extent of the damage she caused.

? Nothing major, just the box. Didn?t something like this happen a while ago. Before the party in heaven, unending rain , Ahh! The localized earthquake Tenshi sent. The entire shrine was destroyed, and she charged off looking for that culprit. But where is that overzealous spirit? What is different this time??

Looking back at Reimu, understanding flooded through. Reimu had no control of the situation now, being in her body, therefore confusion and panic sets in. She had managed to keep these feelings under control, but with such a shock, all the emotion flowed through, paralyzing her. ?  So first step is to calm her down to her usual state.?

Marisa ran to the living room, where the pot sat half filled. Marisa snatched up the pot, and started rummaging through her clothing for Hakkero. Of course, now being in Reimu?s body meant Hakkero wasn?t on her and that her armpits were exposed to the world to see. The latter point was irrelevant, but Marisa was quite self conscious about that little fact whenever she remembered that she now existed in a foreign body. Sighing, Marisa made her way to the kitchen to boil some more tea.

?Oh ya, that might help too.? Marisa rushed out of the kitchen to gather more stuff.

Opening her eyes, Reimu saw a young girl kneeling with a couple of lit josh sticks, the calming incense wafting over the courtyard. As the edges of the image became clearer, she saw herself sitting opposite her, like she was looking into a mirror. 

?Am I dead?? Reimu questioned her lookalike.

?Nope. Welcome back to the land of the living.? Marisa had gathered some prayer material, and copied what she remembered what Reimu used to do during certain rituals and offerings. Burning the josh sticks first, and luckily she didn?t have to start on the paper talismans.

?Why am I seeing my own body??

?You forgot that much?!? Marisa lost her balance, toppling over. Sprawled over the floor, Marisa picked herself up and making the motion to adjust her hat. ?Ya right, still in Reimu. Stop reminding me.? ? The trauma must be intense to have you forget so radical changes that occurred in the last couple of hours. The body that you see before you contains the soul of Marisa. So ya, somehow we managed to switch bodies....?

As Marisa began to recite the occurrences that recently unfolded, memories of the past few hour spun past Reimu?s inner eye.

?This is too much to bear.? Reimu slumped back down, looking around for her customary cup of tea, as the severity of the situation hit her.

?Good thing I brought this then.? Marisa held up a cup of tea, steam floating at it?s surface. ?Nope, you are in no state to handle hot liquid by yourself.? Holding the cup just out of Reimu?s reach, Marisa pointed at Reimu?s hands.

Reimu looked down, only to see her hands trembling. Stress, confusion or anger, Reimu didn?t understand why or which, but knew that Marisa was right in saying that she could not hold her own tea properly.

?Say ahh.? Next thing Reimu knew, Marisa had crawled up beside her, cup in hand and ready to pour into her mouth.

?No way, I am not some small child learning to drink her miso soup.? Exclaiming quickly, before Reimu tightly shut her mouth to prevent Marisa from her games. She shook her head, blonde hair whipping violently from side to side to further enhance her point.

?I will be gentle, trust me on this. I swear.? Now Marisa was never one to make promises, the few she ever did however were true to her word. Reimu thoughts swayed for a moment, before she yielded, opening her mouth to accept Marisa?s help.

As the warm fluid flowed down her throat, tension of both physical and psychological aspects ebbed away, allowing Reimu to reach a serene mind. As her breathing slowed, her arm stopped trembling and she reached to pry the cup from Marisa?s hands. Marisa willingly parted with the tea, grabbing another quickly before sitting down beside Reimu.



A few minutes later



?Being Marisa isn?t very easy is it?? Reimu commented, finishing her fourth cup of tea.

? Oh you have no idea. Flying alone, it took over six months. Looks like we would have to search on foot for your victim of torture.?

?But you had zero problems in my body? I guess my slower flight is easier to master. What your broom goes like eight times faster.?

? Yup, but flying on a broom is very different from flying unsupported. Broom is a lot faster, unpredictable and can be used like a weapon much like your gohei. Only a crazy person is capable of flying a broom that can reach mach speeds. Why else do you think each and every battle we have is so wild.?

?That?s because you ignore the basic rule of Damanku, that you overwhelm your opponent is the most beautiful manner. And the fact that at every opportunity you master spark till I constantly have to set up a barrier so we may play without destroying half of Gensokyo.

Anyway nothing was beautiful when your broom crashed into my donation box.? Reimu snapped angrily, leaning back onto her shrine wall.

?How many time must I apologize to make you forget, or at least forgive??

?More than you can ever count.?

Reimu dug her hands into her dress, pretty much just to stop herself from physically lashing out at Marisa. Although she knew deep down it wasn?t really quite Marisa?s fault, she still needed to vent her frustration somehow. Her hands closed upbottlea metal pot-like container.

A malicious grin crept up Reimu?s face.

?Click?

?Huh? Oh wait!? Marisa eyes widened as comprehension of the situation arose. Reimu was already diving for cover.

[SFX: Boom!/ Cannon blast sound]
Marisa was thrown into the air by the shock-wave. Marisa entrusted her feelings to the instincts lingering in her body1, which caused her to back flip midair throwing three ofudas2 before lightly touching down on the stone ground.

Reimu rolled away from the initial blast unhurt, ducking to narrowly avoid two ofadas which knocked off her hat, and quickly sidestepped the last one.

Marisa drew three more ofudas in her hand, body already rising slowly into the air ? If its a fight you want!!?

Reimu calmly picked up her fallen hat, resting it atop her head and adjusting it to the right angle. ? Its a fight we get.? Reimu replied, clicking her fingers together. Three orbs exited the folds of her dress firing laser streams.

?Easy? Marisa swayed left and right to avoid the first two, deflecting the third with a talisman to send it burning a hole into a nearby tree.

?Hmm, didn?t think she knew how to do that.? Reimu started quickly sifting through all her battles with Marisa, both to use Marisa moves and to know which of hers Marisa knew. Marisa however wasn?t as patient or strategic. She already started drawing out as many ofudas as she could hold in her hands.

?I have the advantage here, so lets finish this quickly.?  Marisa started throwing pairs of ofudas left, right and center towards Reimu, creating a maze for her to weave her way through. As Reimu snapped back to reality and begin dodging, Marisa also increased the rate a which she threw the ofudas whilst rising in the air. ?I also have this.?

Marisa added Yin-Yang orbs into the mix, enjoying the view as Reimu darted across the courtyard. Marisa had the upper hand for the first time! And what power she felt. Marisa just kept reaching within her dress and sleeves for more ofudas, and like a hyperspace arsenal (http://(http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HyperspaceArsenal)), it continued to give out the weapons.

Silently cursing, Reimu continued dodging as the barrage got heavier, but knew this would be a lost cause eventually due to the two dimensional motions she was restricted by, compared to her counterparts three dimensional movements. Actually, the damanku would have been pretty simple to dodge if she was able to fly, due to Marisa crude replication of the same spell card she encountered during the broken moon incident. Reimu attempted to return some firepower, firing star-like projectiles at Marisa, but to no avail as Marisa calmly floated aside before continuing to rain down ofudas.

Reimu ran for cover in her shrine, seeking whatever respite it might give. Bounding up the steps, Reimu ran at full speed only to end up meeting the floor very fast as her legs got caught by something.

?What the hell?!? Reimu cursed loudly, pushing herself back up.

Reimu looked back, spotting the broom between her legs. Random, impulsive thoughts ran through Reimu?s mind, and before she stopped them, a whisper amongst the recollections, ??Only a crazy person may fly a broom.? Fly, not ride.... Ahh? Reimu finally understood. Standing up, Reimu stomped hard on the broom?s end, forcing it into a spin. As soon the broom was parrallel with the ground, Reimu jumped, forcing the broom to rest in the depression in her feet. As soon as the connection was made, Reimu swung the broom so it was under her and stood upright, all previous hesitation gone.

Marisa laughed hard as she saw Reimu retreat to her shrine. Deciding a to give her a small break, Marisa started counting to ten, like a child in a game of hide and seek. At nine however, something fast sped out of the shrine porch.

Reimu understood now how Marisa flew her broom. Simply by being able to focus her thoughts on the broom, she could will it to move about. It seemed that the broom was magically connected to this body. Reimu mentally concentrated so hard, that the broom would have danced if requested. Reimu zoomed out of the shrine, rising above Marisa, before summoning five orb that spewed multi-coloured stars all over the place before sending three magic missiles at Marisa.

A series of fast changing emotion was flowing through Marisa during this chain of events. First the smug confidence of total victory at the beginning. Amusement as Reimu ran hysterically into her shrine. Surprise as Reimu flew out, on two legs nonetheless to reach an equal height as her. Joy that Reimu finally attained flight, in the space of a couple of hours. And then...

?Oh crap!? Marisa banked left quickly, as the missiles grazed her side. Marisa looked towards Reimu, who now was sitting down with her legs hanging over the edge of the broom. Reimu simply raised her hand, clicking her fingers causing five more spheres to emerge with an even thicker barrage that resembled every child?s fantasy of a meteor shower.

Marisa struggled to weave her way through the sea of stars. Reimu?s slower flight movements hampered her grazing habits, and forced her to go on the defensive and abandon all attacks against Reimu. Reimu waved her hand, and an impenetrable wall of stars formed, shooting straight for Marisa.

?Shit?  If only she was a bit faster, she could easily outrun the wall. No way could she retreat in time, also having to dodge the stars she had already dealt with. ?Speed, I need more speed.? The wall was inches away from her now, and she muttered a final prayer. Suddenly her mind descended into a trance-like state, mouth wording a spell card she could not hear.3 As if her mind was bent on survival, the heightened awareness and concentration caused projectiles to move slower, and her in turn much faster. She twitched as the wall drew closer, and appeared behind Reimu unintentionally.

?How the ...? Wait, does Reimu have a spell card that...? Marisa thought drew her back to a time with Alice, racing through the Bamboo forest chasing a Reimu that moved at hypersonic speeds. ?Ah that?s it.? Realization dawned upon Marisa as Reimu swung round to try and attack her, but she was no longer there. This speed was similar to her broom's accelerated speeds, and Marisa had no trouble maneuvering with it. The increased movement speed came at a price though, as her stamina was drained far quicker than that of normal flight. But it was a small price to pay as Marisa now dodged missiles with ease and returned bursts of ofudas and orbs.

Reimu quickly abandoned her attack on Marisa, as the stars were easily dodged and she had more important things on hand, namely Marisa?s quicker attacks. Since Reimu?s flight speed crawled to almost a standstill whilst the attack was in progress, Reimu traded offensive for evasive maneuvers.

?Looks like Marisa is taking no chances.? Marisa only appeared for a split second after each move, and every location was random, so Reimu had no chance to counter, even lasers fired missed her. On the other hand, Reimu?s now increased familiarity with turbo charged broom meant she also could easily dodge the streams. Deadlock. Reimu knew that Marisa could not maintain the spell card for much longer, but also felt like ending this quickly.

? Hmm, if I could set up some sort of trap...? Reimu started browsing through Marisa?s spell cards deck, mentally flicking the broom left and right to evade the attacks. ? Ahh, this one! Now how to draw her in ...? 

?Hey Marisa! If you don?t try and step up your game, I am going to cut your hair for you. Would make it look a lot better anyway.? Reimu yelled, whilst standing on her broom with a thin laser coming out from her finger, hand close to her head.

?What! NO!? Marisa charged at Reimu at high speed, much like her leyline attack. However she never made contact. Reimu moved slightly to the right, and declared her spellcard.

? Shoot the Moon!?

?Shit? A single orb hung under Marisa, apparently left there by Reimu. A low hum alerted Marisa to the impending danger, and Marisa moved just fast enough to avoid being launched to the moon. Not quite fast enough though, as her left sleeve had caught fire and she smelled singed hair.

?Close? Marisa heaved a sigh of relief, but she was not out of danger yet. ?Hah!!? Reimu came crashing down slamming her broom as hard as she could onto Marisa. Reimu quickly fired the broom upwards to prevent herself from falling. Marisa however wasn?t as lucky. Crashing into the courtyard, Marisa?s vision blacken, and then quickly returned albeit slightly blur.

Marisa hastily drew a spellcard hastily and declared it without a thought. ? Dream sign ? Damanku Duplex boundary.?? Two cubes formed from borders, one smaller and one bigger surrounded Marisa and ofudas started appearing around her. When they entered the wall of the first, they emerged on the opposite side of the bigger cube?s wall, fired back at Marisa direction. Then when they entered the wall of the smaller from the outside, the ofudas flew out rapidly from the outer wall of the larger cube.4

?Weak, crude, unrefined...? Reimu could create a list to describe how Marisa had tried to duplicate her spell, but now it felt more appropriate to work out a new attack plan. Reimu could have bet 200 yen5 that her last attack would be the final blow, and yet there Marisa was still standing and with a spellcard no less. Marisa had this unpredictability about her, and combined with a strong fighting spirit made an excellent opponent for Reimu. ?Oh simple?

No need for fancy tricks or spellcards, only one simple thing that started this whole affair. Dropping a metal bomb , a small safe spot was created in the border. Reimu dived down, firing stars to act as a shield before she reached Marisa?s side.

?See you when you wake up.? Reimu smiled as she swung her arm around, connecting her elbow with the side of Marisa?s head. Instantly the spellcard terminated, the ofuda fell harmlessly to the ground.

?Maybe I shouldn?t have hit her that hard...? Reimu scratched her head, before noticing the state of her courtyard. ? Oh Marisa is so cleaning this up!? Reimu nevertheless picked Marisa up, bringing back into the shrine. 




notes: 1 : I really don?t like insulting intelligence of readers, but just as a clarification, her body refers to the red-white miko body. Read early chapters if you haven?t already.

2: Ofudas are basically square pieces of paper with some writing on them. Why I use the term instead of just talisman is because I want to differentiate between amulets, talismans, ofudas, and many more. I wish I could go into describing each more, but that will be for another time. Secondary note, these terms don?t apply to other writers, only me.

3 Dream sign ? Fantasy seal- blink?

4: In case that was too hard to understand or visualize, play the Magician?s team in Imperishable Night till Reimu shows up, and one of her spell card was where I got this from. Btw, almost the entire battle is IN style, next battles I feel more of the SWR style.

5: Yes, 200 yen is pretty much Reimu?s monthly budget cause of the lack of donations to her shrine. Maybe I could write another story on Reimu?s poverty, a common joke between Touhou fans.

Proper authors notes.

Hi there, Eatay here again. Yes I know my name up there say the UnspokenDyslexic, but just because it is in my nature to be bad at languages doesn?t mean I should express my story ideas. Anyway, school is going to ramp up real soon, so I will probably work out some sort of schedule. I haven?t been the most diligent student, so some catching up to do and writing I haven?t actually written out a lot of the story yet... But I have the story in mind, so ya. Oh I 1cc Reimu B Normal on PCB recently, so yes! Extra stage, here I come.   Oh I found a good guide for PCB extra stage, so in case anyone needs that little bit of help. (http://(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7-SZ-3m1Sw))

So how do you like my fight scenes? I heard fight scenes are the hardest to write, and I must admit, they require a certain level of planning. I get most of my ideas from IN, so if you want a simple replica of what happened, play either stage 4 of IN, and you will see some of the spell cards turning up. Funny thing being, I drew up the plans and actually wrote them onto paper before my O-Levels. Then when writing, I started deviating from the one I wrote earlier, so here's the final product. Multiple edits, and changes, and I may still change a little here and there sometimes. It is funny how sometimes you write one thing, and in your mind you mean something else completely.

I question sometimes why I write, since I am supposedly bad at writing. Well, I haven?t quite found that answer, but rest assured I will write, regardless of my motives. Cause I want my part in shaping Gensokyo. I believe each person is entitled to see Gensokyo as he or she wishes, so I see it this way and wish to let others know how I see it. Penning down my thoughts like this, well you get to see what it is like to read and write I guess...

Yes I agree with Rou, WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT LATE NIGHT SEEMS TO BE THE BEST TIME TO WRITE? I?m sleepy then, but recently have some sleeping issues, so write instead for your benefit. Don?t you dare try and pray that I have more sleepless nights so that I will finish the story quicker! I am warning you!

Night, and special thanks to all works I have read to give my courage to write, I feel far freer here than anywhere else. Penny for your thoughts on my work, I don?t care whether good or bad, but hope constructive or encouraging. Right see you next time.
Title: End already? Nope.
Post by: Eatay on June 04, 2012, 08:36:01 PM
Next morning.

The morning sun shone brightly, cutting straight through the blinds of the Hakurei Shrine's windows. Marisa rubbed her eyes, and yanked the futon covers to try and shield her from the glare.

"Wake up!" A loud voice shocked Marisa, causing her to jump out of the futon. "Looks like we are back to normal." Marisa looked across the room to see Reimu back in her miko outfit and body. "Did we both have the same weird dream?"

"Oww!" Reimu yanked on Marisa's ear, dragging her out of the shrine. "Remember this!" Reimu forced Marisa's head to look at the front of the shrine, where evidence of the wrecked donation box stood.

"No way! It was real?" Marisa wasn't given much time to ponder the issue though, as Reimu pushed a broom towards Marisa.

"Wow thanks! Well see you around sometime." Marisa hopped on top of the broom, which came crashing down. Reimu doubled over in laughter as Marisa fell for her simple trick.

"You don't recognize your own broom? Its right here!" Reimu held up another broom, this one being Marisa's original one. "Now you clean up the front, and build me another donation box today! Whilst you are at it, clean up the courtyard, it is a mess from the battle yesterday." Reimu strode back inside the shrine.

" This is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, this is a night mare..." Marisa keep repeating that to herself as she swept up the mess.


 
Alright, we are not at the end, but I decided to write a fake end just for the heck of it. Alternative ending to any who wish the story to end here, but for the others ignore this and please wait as I write down the next few posts. BTW, as a gauge of how long this whole thing is... lets just say this is chapter 1. I love playing with my readers. fufufu. 
Title: Re: Intersecting lives
Post by: nintendonut888 on June 04, 2012, 10:55:00 PM
Curse you! I was just now reading this for the great library cataloging thing, and you updated while I was reading! >:( Well, since I went to all this trouble, I may as well tell you what I think.

I must say, considering you say you're dyslexic, your writing is coming along nicely. I can see a definite improvement as you go along. Your prose is still a little purple, and you give some extraneous details, but your story flows much more naturally now.

As for the fight scene? Eeh, I can't really be one to judge, but it's not bad for a first try. I recommend you find some advice blogs for help on making a fight scene flow better. They really are hard to write, and it's good to reference them. I'd post one in particular I found useful, if I could find it. >_o

Still, overall, I give you a thumbs up. In all the stories I've read so far, yours has been a bright spot. Keep on truckin'!