Maidens of the Kaleidoscope

~Hakurei Shrine~ => Patchouli's Scarlet Library => Topic started by: Iced Fairy on November 22, 2010, 08:01:34 AM

Title: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on November 22, 2010, 08:01:34 AM: I have a bad habit. A terrible habit. One that a lot of people share. I'll be perusing the fiction boards and I'll see a story that's good, but has a few flaws. And sometimes, I'll kick myself into action and post, but I always feel bad posting about the flaws. Especially if the work is mostly good. It seems like nitpicking. And I know from experience having random people critique your stuff always stings a little.

But praise alone can't help a writer grow. The paper I learned the most from was the one I got a D on. That's what taught me how to write in college, and similarly a bit of nitpicking or sometimes even complaining can help an author learn a lot about writing.

Of course most writers hunt out commentary, scarce as it may be. Hunting down a proof reader can help a lot. But it's hard to approach random people for proofing, and it's still only one voice. As a writer lots of voices are always useful to get a feel for your audience.

Thus some of us have kicked around an idea we hope will get constructive critiques to the people that could use them the most, our newest and greenest writers. Not that we don't need critiques as well. Everyone can use a bit of constructive criticism. But with this we hope to advance the library as a whole, so we can all work together to improve our respective styles.

Thus I present:

(http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/827/hatate.jpg)

The New Writers Contest!

I'm sure you're now wondering how a writing contest can help you with your writing. Well that's because, in addition to deciding who wins the contest, the judges will be doing a full critique of each fic submitted. This critique will be PMed to each contestant, so no matter what you'll get some useful feedback. You don't need to worry about your work sitting there with no visible readers. At least, not here.

Of course this is a contest. And no contest is complete without a prize. The person who wins this little challenge will receive Spechul Membah .

Now firstly we have to give the new writers a fair chance. So sadly those who have won a Weekly Writing Challenge in the past are not eligible. In addition, these are busy times, and while we aren't looking for terribly long works, we don't want people to feel rushed either. So the dead line will be February 1st.

Lastly we don't want to leave people with no sense of direction. On the other hand we don't want to overly limit writers too.

Robert A Heinlein once said there were only three stories. 'Boy meets Girl,' 'The Little Tailor' and 'A Man Learns a Lesson.' A person could, by using variants of these, create every story ever. For example, girl meets girl, or a man doesn't learn a lesson.

Thus the two topics to help you along:
?Two friends meet?
and
?A Touhou Learns a Lesson.?
In addition feel free to tweak the topics slightly. For example ?Two friends part? is a legitimate topic as well. These are more to give you ideas then a solid rule for judging..

We look forward to your entries. Whether you enter just because you can, or to finally drag a real critique out of the board, we're happy to be able to read your work and help you become better writers. Because skilled writers benefit all of us.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on November 22, 2010, 07:52:51 PM: I'm definitely going to give this a shot. Seems like a great idea.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: 日巫子 on November 22, 2010, 08:02:33 PM: I'm in. When we've finished our stories, do we just post them in this thread?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on November 22, 2010, 08:13:58 PM: Aight, let's do this. Though, I'm a bit hesitant to call myself a "new" writer...
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on November 22, 2010, 08:15:23 PM: Quote from: Himiko on November 22, 2010, 08:02:33 PM
I'm in. When we've finished our stories, do we just post them in this thread?
Yep. No point in writing a story to hide it away right?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on November 22, 2010, 08:21:32 PM: I have a question. Does it have to be Touhou-related, or is other stuff allowed too?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on November 22, 2010, 09:21:10 PM: Sounds like fun. I'll know whether I can do it by February 1st.

Also, never feel guilty about critiquing me. I can be pretty direct and even harsh because lets face it; fanfiction is already a waste of time. Bad fanfiction is a boring waste of time, which is much worse. So I certainly don't want to bore you while wasting your time.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on November 22, 2010, 09:27:16 PM: Quote from: capt. h on November 22, 2010, 09:21:10 PM
fanfiction is already a waste of time.

having fun creating something that people have fun reading is a waste of time

yeah okay
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on November 22, 2010, 09:31:41 PM: Quote from: Squidtentacle on November 22, 2010, 08:21:32 PM
I have a question. Does it have to be Touhou-related, or is other stuff allowed too?
Hm...

Since the contest is about writing in general as opposed to the weekly writing contests I think it can be allowed. However part of writing is knowing your target audience as well, so non Touhou work on a Touhou board will inevitably be at a disadvantage.

Also as a more general thing we're looking more for stories of moderate length. Nothing White Rose sized. You can learn a lot more polishing the details of a short story and we can give much more focused advice there.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on November 22, 2010, 09:32:53 PM: So, you're looking for something longer than, say, my shorts.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on November 22, 2010, 09:38:30 PM: Quote from: Sect on November 22, 2010, 09:32:53 PM
So, you're looking for something longer than, say, my shorts.
Those shorts are actually of pretty good length. Between that and say 5 times that. It depends on your personal style as always.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on November 22, 2010, 09:45:20 PM: Quote from: Ryuu on November 22, 2010, 09:27:16 PM
having fun creating something that people have fun reading is a waste of time

yeah okay

Don't misunderstand; fun itself is in many ways a waste of time. I'm not going to be able to take back the time I wasted playing Super Mario Bros., watching CSI reruns, or reading fanfiction, but I did those things because they were fun rather than practical or productive.

At the very least, I want to make sure that I'm not boring when trying to do fun things.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Esifex on November 23, 2010, 02:02:33 AM: If your story doesn't exceed the character limits for a single post, you're fine. If you go over, too, that's okay, but try not to make your story max out five different posts. That's just .... overly extravagant.

The first, and only time, I won the Weekly Writing Challenge was because I had a story end up breaking the character limit when I realized that nothing said they had to be short stories - just posted within the time limit.

But don't assume that quantity makes up for quality; it was already close with what I had, and future entries that broke the character limit per-post didn't just automatically win.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: BlackAlice on November 23, 2010, 02:43:50 AM: I'm new writer here. How can I join this contest? Just post my story here?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on November 23, 2010, 03:00:25 AM: Quote from: BlackAlice on November 23, 2010, 02:43:50 AM
I'm new writer here. How can I join this contest? Just post my story here?
Indeed. Polish it up as best you can, then post it in this thread. Just remember only one entry per contestant please. ;)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on November 29, 2010, 08:36:45 PM: Eeeeeh, I'm sorta tempted but I'm no good at keeping a story together and usually write on the fly and only if I have to.
If I feel motivated the maybe, just maybe something will pop up
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on November 29, 2010, 09:16:27 PM: Quote from: Okuu on November 29, 2010, 08:36:45 PM
Eeeeeh, I'm sorta tempted but I'm no good at keeping a story together and usually write on the fly and only if I have to.
If I feel motivated the maybe, just maybe something will pop up

this is pretty much how I do it and people seem to like my stuff
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on November 30, 2010, 06:29:22 AM: Ooh, this looks like fun! I wanna join! But it's going to be a first-time writing thing, so I'll do my best! What's better about this is that the deadline is so far, so it doesn't feel like a chore! Oh, and it's something I want to do!

Can we receive help from anybody at all? Like any kind of help at all? I feel so dumb for asking this :ohdear:
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Esifex on November 30, 2010, 06:38:21 AM: Depends on the help you need, of course, but yeah.

I mean, it's not like us 'old' writers don't rely on and draw on our peers for inspiration and proofreading.

Except for me, cuz I'm ~~antisocial~~ awesome like that
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Tengukami on November 30, 2010, 02:14:49 PM: Just a word of advice:

Don't write like this guy. (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/11/30/literary_award/) (Contains mildly NSFW language.)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on December 01, 2010, 04:17:40 AM: :ohdear: I feel like an idiot for asking but...

Question: "Two friends meet" as in story about how, say marisa and alice, meet? or can it be about two people that are unlikely to be friends meet, say nitori and yuugi?

and "a Touhou learns a lesson" a touhou character? maker? fan?player?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on December 01, 2010, 04:37:10 AM: Quote
"Two friends meet" as in story about how, say marisa and alice, meet? or can it be about two people that are unlikely to be friends meet, say nitori and yuugi?
Either one is just fine.

Quote
and "a Touhou learns a lesson" a touhou character? maker? fan?player?
I was going for character, but if you think you can make an interesting and involving story using one of the later feel free to try.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Bias Bus on December 01, 2010, 04:37:39 AM: I'unno...the aspect of me having fun while writing for a contest is appealing but, knowing me, I'll take it WAY too seriously and end up like I was with NNWM...which is something I don't want to do...

So yeah, I'm on the fence about this...
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on December 01, 2010, 04:44:51 AM: Quote from: Mariere Mjolnirbus on December 01, 2010, 04:37:39 AM
I'unno...the aspect of me having fun while writing for a contest is appealing but, knowing me, I'll take it WAY too seriously and end up like I was with NNWM...which is something I don't want to do...

So yeah, I'm on the fence about this...
Well you aren't eligible for the prize because you've taken the weekly writing challenge three times (beating me every time :V), but feel free to toss in a short work if you want a general critique. Not sure how helpful I'd be but some of the better judges might have some good pointers.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Landon on December 01, 2010, 05:39:04 AM: I think I'll write something for this. :derp:
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on December 02, 2010, 05:47:06 AM: Oh, I just thought of another question after rereading this.

Quote from: IcedFairy on November 22, 2010, 09:31:41 PM
Since the contest is about writing in general as opposed to the weekly writing contests I think it can be allowed. However part of writing is knowing your target audience as well, so non Touhou work on a Touhou board will inevitably be at a disadvantage.
What if it has an original character, but the character's with the Touhou characters?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on December 02, 2010, 05:51:23 AM: Quote from: Kaisou Hisakata on December 02, 2010, 05:47:06 AM
What if it has an original character, but the character's with the Touhou characters?
Just avoid the pitfalls of original character use and creation and it should be fine.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on December 02, 2010, 05:57:20 AM: Quote from: IcedFairy on December 02, 2010, 05:51:23 AM
Just avoid the pitfalls of original character use and creation and it should be fine.
You mean like the Touhou character going out of character when confronting the original creation? Or the super long creation time?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on December 02, 2010, 05:58:49 AM: Quote from: Kaisou Hisakata on December 02, 2010, 05:57:20 AM
You mean like the Touhou character going out of character when confronting the original creation? Or the super long creation time?

the original character being a self insert mary sue, the original character being inexplicably perfect with paper-thin flaws, the original character being the focus of everyone in the setting for some reason, etc.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on December 02, 2010, 06:15:25 AM: Ah, that makes perfect sense. OK, I shall try to avoid those!!

Being honest for myself, the last two are the easiest to avoid, but the first is kinda hard because I'm still kinda unclear on what a Mary Sue is. Anybody replying to this post doesn't have to tell me, I'm reading about it right now.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on December 02, 2010, 06:19:25 AM: Quote from: Kaisou Hisakata on December 02, 2010, 05:57:20 AM
You mean like the Touhou character going out of character when confronting the original creation? Or the super long creation time?

Quote from: Ryuu on December 02, 2010, 05:58:49 AM
the original character being a self insert mary sue, the original character being inexplicably perfect with paper-thin flaws, the original character being the focus of everyone in the setting for some reason, etc.

Personally, I decided to use no original characters as a rule of thumb when I started writing. The mere fact that an original character is being added to touhou, which makes popular fanworks entirely because of it's own characters (when it's not the music), is reason to be suspicious of the original. Besides, with touhou, people come to read about characters they find interesting; they aren't going to take too well to an original one when they are looking for fanworks on their favorite canon characters. (for this reason, another habit of mine is to include the names of the characters in my story in the story's title to make looking for specific characters easy).

However, if I were to write an original character, I would make sure that his win-loss ratio is fairly bad and balance him out against someone else. He would be the focus of my attention because I wrote him for my own entertainment, but even I hate my self insert if he's always right, if my favorite characters start acting strange because of him, if he never loses, etc. It's just boring when that happens.

There are also a lot of ways to reinterpret characters so that they can stand in for your self insert. For example, I like using Mokou because
1. She's human, so she can canonnically cross the border
2. She can't be killed, so she can be sent where anyone else would certainly die
Thus, I would probably send her into subterranian animism plots. In fact, I've wondered for a while why unprotected humans were sent into a nuclear furnace rather than an immortal firebird, but that would probably be a different story for a different time.

Another interesting one is Remilia, whose fate powers can be reinterpretted into deathnote.

If you need an outsider, Sanae is a human from the outside world who would view Gensokyo in as much awe as any original character.

And there are a couple pre-eosd characters who can also fill certain niches, like Rika the tank builder who is human so she can go to the outside world, but is also the only person in Gensokyo who developes military-grade vehicles.

EDIT: Mary Sue is any character that everyone but the author hates for being too perfect and for hogging the spotlight from everyone and everything else, especially the plot. The author will never hate Mary Sue, and often the fact that Mary Sue is perfect forces other characters to act unusually, since otherwise, Mary Sue would look bad in front of the canon characters.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on December 02, 2010, 06:32:03 AM: Quote from: capt. h on December 02, 2010, 06:19:25 AM
Mary Sue is any character that everyone but the author hates for being too perfect and for hogging the spotlight from everyone and everything else, especially the plot. The author will never hate Mary Sue, and often the fact that Mary Sue is perfect forces other characters to act unusually, since otherwise, Mary Sue would look bad in front of the canon characters.
Wow, that's a lot less to read. Well, at least I can think of a better person to insert. Well, not exactly a better person as it is a person because I still didn't think of one.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on December 02, 2010, 01:19:05 PM: Quote from: capt. h on December 02, 2010, 06:19:25 AM
words

words everywhere

wait wait wait why do you have this notion that only humans can cross the border
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: BlackAlice on December 02, 2010, 01:25:55 PM: QUESTION!!!
1. Can I mix both theme in my story?
2. If I use a fan characters, Must I make him/her become the main character?
3. You say one of the theme is the meeting of two friends. Can I make it not related as friend? Maybe like meeting with someone from the past or something?
4. I'm not really good in describing someone. Can I skip it? (I'm using Touhou characters not the doujin one)

Sorry my English is so bad =_=
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Bias Bus on December 02, 2010, 03:34:51 PM: re: original characters and shit

The best way to have one is to usually not have an original character be the focus of the story, more or less a supporting role. This way, you can have canon characters keep the spotlight while still writing your guy in there with them. I'm going to admit, I like creating OCs, it's one of my ways of being creative with Touhou, so I just make sure that whenever I'm gonna have one in there, he (or she) is something of a sidekick or something.

Always worked for me, anyway.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on December 02, 2010, 06:24:01 PM: Quote from: Ryuu on December 02, 2010, 01:19:05 PM

wait wait wait why do you have this notion that only humans can cross the border

http://touhou.wikia.com/wiki/Hakurei_Border (http://touhou.wikia.com/wiki/Hakurei_Border)

Quote
The Hakurei Shrine is supposed to be the one gate through the boundary - this Shinto shrine exists on both sides of the border. Thus a lot of random items slip through and are found at the Shrine. Furthermore, people sometimes wander through the boundary and are either turned back with an illusion or they insist upon staying (in which case they're put in the Human Village for safety). However, Youkai teams sometimes go out to gather humans for cooking (a delicacy to them), hiding their activities with magic (lost people, accidents, etc). It's unlikely that Reimu (effectively the guardian of the gate) would endorse such actions so presumably Youkai know of ways to make a 'hole' in the border elsewhere - they originally helped reinforce it after all. Possibly all those 'border penetrations' that these cooking teams require are organized by Yukari, but this may not be necessary considering how many people and locations have come across the border on their own without her help.

Hm, I'll need to decide on a border strength for my stories now.

I haven't written anything on it yet, but I have been going on the assumption that, because humans are known to come and go via the Hakurei shrine but not youkai, I have been assuming the humans of Gensokyo came and went at will.

I've also been assuming that it's rather difficult for non-humans to leave, or to leave via anywhere other than the Hakurei shrine. It seems like normally, it can't be done directly, and must be done indirectly. However, for humans at the Hakurei shrine, I figured that leaving involved little more than walking in the right direction.

These assumptions aren't that great, and I'd like to work on the logic behind the border, and the rules behind it. So please correct me and offer suggestions where needed; logical consistency should be king.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on December 02, 2010, 07:15:56 PM: Quote from: BlackAlice on December 02, 2010, 01:25:55 PM
QUESTION!!!
1. Can I mix both theme in my story?
Of course.
Quote
2. If I use a fan characters, Must I make him/her become the main character?
I don't see why that'd be a requirement. Use characters where they are needed
Quote
3. You say one of the theme is the meeting of two friends. Can I make it not related as friend? Maybe like meeting with someone from the past or something?
Yes.
Quote
4. I'm not really good in describing someone. Can I skip it? (I'm using Touhou characters not the doujin one)
If you can get away without describing a character (ie skipping Reimu's physical description) then of course. Though I suggest you work on that on your own. Good descriptions are a nice skill to pick up.

Also I'd suggest moving the discussion of story ideas to the other sticky, since you'll likely get a broader audience there (and you can look up previous ideas).
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on December 02, 2010, 07:19:30 PM: Quote from: capt. h on December 02, 2010, 06:24:01 PM
http://www.touhouwiki.net/wiki/Hakurei_Border (http://www.touhouwiki.net/wiki/Hakurei_Border)

Hm, I'll need to decide on a border strength for my stories now.

I haven't written anything on it yet, but I have been going on the assumption that, because humans are known to come and go via the Hakurei shrine but not youkai, I have been assuming the humans of Gensokyo came and went at will.

I've also been assuming that it's rather difficult for non-humans to leave, or to leave via anywhere other than the Hakurei shrine. It seems like normally, it can't be done directly, and must be done indirectly. However, for humans at the Hakurei shrine, I figured that leaving involved little more than walking in the right direction.

These assumptions aren't that great, and I'd like to work on the logic behind the border, and the rules behind it. So please correct me and offer suggestions where needed; logical consistency should be king.

well for one the article you quoted pretty much says youkai can come and go too, though it would probably be difficult for weaker youkai like wriggle and rumia or the fairies

I'm pretty sure Reimu can move through the border too, as she is usually the person who guides lost humans back to the outside world

but there's no real reason or motivation for most of the characters to leave

the hakurei barrier isn't so much a giant stonewall as it is a tightly woven net I guess. shrug
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on December 03, 2010, 09:22:30 PM: I almost forgot: Mary Sue has an even more annoying inverse; an anti-sue. This is when a character has many, many genuine flaws but everyone around her likes her for no understandable reason. It's not in the same catagory as "too perfect", but the character, like normal mary sues, beats the plot to death and throws the remains to the dogs. She's even more annoying because at least with a perfect character it could make sense that the world bends around her. With an anti-sue, it doesn't make any sense that someone so awful and pathetic would be so well liked by the cast, or so central to the plot that changes to whatever makes her the center of attention.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on December 03, 2010, 09:52:56 PM: First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once. :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline (http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html) that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on December 03, 2010, 09:57:17 PM: Quote from: Sect on December 03, 2010, 09:52:56 PM
First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once. :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline (http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html) that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.

Does the character have a name you really, really like?
Is it Raven?
Is it a variation of Raven?
Is it Hunter?

I lolled so bad
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: CK Crash on December 04, 2010, 10:15:30 PM: Questions:

About how much text are you expecting? The chapter length of many posted fanfics already varies a great degree...

Does it matter if the submitted text is part of a larger story, so long as it works as a stand-alone story/provides sufficient context?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on December 04, 2010, 10:55:10 PM: As I said, we're looking for something of moderate length, like what appears in the weekly writing contests. Larger texts won't get as good a critique, because the judges won't be able to focus on details.

As for the second question, your story should stand on it's own well enough such that we wouldn't know if it was or wasn't attached to another story.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on December 05, 2010, 01:41:42 AM: Quote from: Sect on December 03, 2010, 09:52:56 PM
First off, Captain, that avatar is bending my miiiiind. Are you banned? Are you not banned? Captain, I've just remembered something. That I've never met you in person.

Not once. :/

Anyways, for everyone's who's worried about making Mary Sues or whatnot, here's a handy guidline (http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html) that you can use to give yourself an idea on how "Sue-ish" a character is. Mind you, it's not perfect, and determining if a character is a "Sue" is, ultimately, a subjective matter, but it helps.

I'm not banned.

I bolded part of your post because, well, I'm not sure what you mean. Most people on online forums never meet each other in person, so I don't quite get why not having met yet would be noteworthy.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on December 05, 2010, 02:00:01 AM: Lame Metal Gear Solid 2 reference. If you're interested, it's at around 0:46 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ul8j9I90ueM).
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on December 07, 2010, 07:30:21 AM: I'm a very new writer and I'm planning to write the story idea I posted a while back about Magical Miko Reimu for this. It's an adventure and I'm wondering if it'll fit in the what's asked to write about?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on December 07, 2010, 07:33:30 AM: Quote from: capt. h on December 05, 2010, 01:41:42 AM
I'm not banned.

I bolded part of your post because, well, I'm not sure what you mean. Most people on online forums never meet each other in person, so I don't quite get why not having met yet would be noteworthy.

idk I know a good number of my forum bros irl
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: FinnKaenbyou on December 07, 2010, 10:54:49 AM: Quote from: Comedian Doll.S on December 07, 2010, 07:30:21 AM
I'm a very new writer and I'm planning to write the story idea I posted a while back about Magical Miko Reimu for this. It's an adventure and I'm wondering if it'll fit in the what's asked to write about?
Honestly, I don't think this would fit. Unless the whole Magical Miko Reimu thing ends up with Reimu failing thanks to her own ego or something and growing wiser for it (A Touhou Learns a Lesson).
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Dead Princess Sakana on December 07, 2010, 11:06:12 AM: Quote from: Roukanke[Z] on December 07, 2010, 10:54:49 AM
Honestly, I don't think this would fit. Unless the whole Magical Miko Reimu thing ends up with Reimu failing thanks to her own ego or something and growing wiser for it (A Touhou Learns a Lesson).
Why? There's other ways for characters to learn than failure. And any premise can work for all of the themes, so I don't see any problems. This is just a premise that says there is a Magical Miko, it says nothing about the actual plot, which is where the themes come in.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on December 28, 2010, 05:18:54 AM: Flandre vs. Yukari

Author's note: It's a little rough. I might add some minor edits before the deadline. Two basic rules - Flandre can break anything provided that it exists, and Yukari can manipulate boundaries that exist.

It was a quiet day in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, perhaps too quiet for one reality bender in Gensokyo. Yukari knew the rumors. She knew that the vampire’s little sister Flandre could destroy anything with a thought. But Yukari has made friends with death itself. And in spite of having known about the older sister Remilia for centuries, Yukari hadn’t even known Remilia had a sister. Perhaps that’s why she opened the gap into the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s basement.

A little blond girl was sitting on a big, fluffy four-poster bed reading a book. She probably would have continued reading if not for the hole in space itself that appeared before her. The girl got up and stared into an abyss with eyes peeping out of it. But perhaps even more strange than the eyes was the ribbons tying down both ends of the tear. Curious, the little girl tugged at the ribbons. She then stretched out both arms, one towards each ribbon, held both hands open, and closed them into a fist.

The two ribbons were shredded, and as the gap closed Flandre noticed the tall, blonde woman in purple hiding behind the gap.

“Hello, I’m Yukari. That’s quite a talent you have there. Your name is Flandre Scarlet, correct?”

“Yep! Who are you, old lady?”

Yukari, greatly annoyed at being called old, tensely responded, “I am Yukari Yakumo little girl. I control boundaries.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m 502 years old, and I’ll be 503 next month.”

“…did you say you’re Yukari Yakumo? The Yukari Kakumo? The strongest in all of Gensokyo?”

“That’s right.”

“I read about you. Can I have your autograph please?”

Yukari was not expecting this.

“Um, sure.” Yukari responded, opening a gap and scavenging around in it for a pen.

“Wow, that’s so cool!” Flandre exclaimed, staring at the gap in awe. “What else can you do?”

“Well, I can manipulate boundaries. Boundaries are what divide things.”

“Does that mean you can change the boundaries between countries?”

“No, that’s a conceptual boundary. It only exists in the mind, and I would have to shift boundaries around in the minds of every single person aware of the country, and I would have to know which cells to merge and how to merge them. I can’t shift the boundary between truth and lies, law and chaos, right and wrong, or strong and weak because those boundaries are fictional, made up by people for their own use. But I can break the boundary between any two things. Allow me to demonstrate.”

Yukari then took out a pen from the gap and reached for a spell card with the text “Double Black Death Butterfly" written on it. She then spun around once, and presented Flandre with the pen, now adorned with butterflies and engraved in cursive with the name “Yukari Yakumo”.

“Wow!”

“Well, I must be going. Shrine maidens don’t spy on themselves.”

“Can I go with you?”

“We wouldn’t want to make your sister worry.”

“At least play a little.”

Yukari was tempted to. The girl didn’t look very dangerous, and she wouldn’t mind company pranking everyone in Gensokyo. But she reminded herself of all the accounts about this girl and remembered how Flandre could break her gap by pretty much just looking at it.

“I’m sorry, but not today Flan.”

“Then I’ll make you play.”

As Flandre reached for a very strangly shaped spear, Yukari knew it was time to leave. She tore open a gap into her personal space, a space filled with eyes. But before she was closed it, Flandre rushed through the gap.

“You’re the strongest in Gensokyo. I want to play, really play, one game where I attack with everything and the other player doesn’t die on me. Marisa was fun, but I wasn’t allowed to use kyuu.” As Flandre clenched her fist. “If you can’t do that, no one can.”

Flandre started laughing in a manner appropriate for this eye filled void of space, as Yukari knew she made a big mistake in seeing Flandre’s power first hand. Yukari knew that she would find out exactly why Remilia keeps her little sister in the basement, and braced herself for what would follow.

Yukari started by throwing up a gap between her and Flandre. Flandre quickly dispersed of this but not before Yukari made her escape through a second. Flandre charged this second gap just in time for it to seal her into Yukari’s void.

“Come out and play, Yukari…”the girl giggled as she began wandering the void.

Meanwhile, Yukari was at her house.

“Ran! Come out here!”

A fox demon entered the room.

“Good. Do you know Flandre Scarlet?”

“I’ve heard of her… why do you ask?”

“Flandre’s in my void right now. I need you to get Remilia to get Flandre out of there. Do whatever she tells…”

Yukari screamed and clutched her eye, leaving the shikigami paralyzed for a moment.

“Yukari, are you alright?”

“No! Now get out of here and do what I told you!”

Ran rushed out while Yukari returned to her void.

Flandre was splattered with blood. She was holding a hand out to an eye in the void, and she closed her fist again, and was greeted to a scream.

“You little brat! Stop breaking my eyes!”Yukari screamed from above, making portal after portal between herself and the vampire. Flandre giggled and slashed at the objects falling through the portals with her laevateinn while using her free hand to close the portals. Though she noticed that these were strange objects indeed, for Flandre had never seen such machines. But Yukari had. Yukari started small, with tombstones and caution signs. But as it became apparent that these would not stop the vampire, Yukari started dropping larger objects. Cars fell from the sky, then trees, telephone poles, houses, boats, trains. When Flandre managed to dodge or split even these, Yukari created the largest gap so far and dropped a glacier.

Flandre decided against trying to split this, forcing her to go around the glacier. When she cleared it, hundreds of portals were opened, and hundreds were being opened by arms disembodied much like the eyes. Flandre panicked and closed eyes and her fists for a moment. One of the arms exploded.

“Gah!” Yukari gripped her arm, but the scream was from below Flandre.

“You little punk! Taste space!”

Beneath flandre a portal opened through which the sun and the stars both shined. It was Flandre’s turn to scream, as the sun burned, the portal sucked her in, and as a stop sign smashed her shoulder.

“YeaowahhahahahHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! This is everything I thought it would be! Four of a Kind!”

Flandre announced her spell and split into four. Two started to take out the portals above, one went after the arms making the portals, and the fourth charged the portal into space, breaking it and going after the youkai behind it. But behind the portal Yukari was holding a larger, cylindrical object. Before the fourth Flandre could reach Yukari, she pulled the trigger, and the Flandre exploded.

The original Flandre was at this point curious about the gaps. While remaining two doppelgangers took care of the gaps and the arms, which were now hurling hand grenades, Flandre wanted to test the structure of the gaps. Instead of aiming at their seal, the ribbons on both ends, Flandre could see that the edge of the gap was clearly something. What the something was she could not tell, but since and the end of the nothingness there was a something, she knew that the something was at least there.

This meant that she could break it.

So Flandre aimed at the edge of the nearest of Yukari’s gaps, and clenched her fist. Then, the tear in reality widened emensely. Massive cracks appeared outward from the portal out which tumbled concrete slabs, and behind the portal she could see buildings that dwarfed even the Scarlet Devil Manor. It appeared to be night in the city, but there were many warm yellow lights. The lights looked like fire, but rather than the flicker of a flame, they were a constant, bright, yellow.

Yukari understood immediately what had happened. While the gaps she made have no existence and cannot be broken, the reality around them which gives her gaps definition, could and has been broken by Flandre. After all, a boundary always defines the edge of something, in the case of her gaps, the gap’s boundary is where existence begins. Which means any gaps she made would show Flandre where the edge of reality is, and thus, give Flandre an edge to grasp and break. But even more urgently than that, Flandre was about to enter the world outside of the realm of fantasy. Yukari did not want to be responsible for the Flandre Scarlet World Tour.

So Yukari prepared her rocket launcher, created a portal above the city-side portal that Flandre cracked open, and fired. Flandre, having seen the weapon before, was able to dodge to the side and enter the city, while the two doppelgangers remained to fight off Yukari. Unfortunately for everyone present, Yukari’s first concern was to stop the dopplegangers within her reality from breaking her arms and cracking the reality within her own realm. Stopping the Flandre outside of her reality had to come second. It was unfortunate because the city-side Flandre started playing, though thankfully not using the power of kyuu.

Yukari opened a portal to the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s front gate, calling for Ran.

“Ran, status update. How do I stop her?”

“There is no way to stop her until she’s had her fun, according to Remilia. Remilia has fated your survival and Flandre’s safe return, but she says we’ll need to gather the hardiest people in Gensokyo to stand much chance.”

“Is that it?”

“Sakuya will be joining you to retrieve Flandre. Remilia also predicts many stray Master Sparks will hit our house if we don’t get her little sister back.”

“Fine, go get Cirno, Mokou, and Kaguya if you can.”

“Cirno?”

“Ice shield.”

“Ah.”

“If you don’t mind…” Sakuya interjected “Now is not the time for jokes.”

“Agreed. I’ll leave this portal open; send the rest of them through here.”

“Good luck you two.”

“We’ll need it.” Sakuya replied.

“You take the doppelganger on the left, and I’ll take the one on the right. We’ll go after the real Flandre afterwards.”

“Jack the Ludo Bile.”

Sakuya pulled out a spell card, and summoned a thousand knives. She then stopped time.

Not many people in Gensokyo quite understand time magic. Sakuya needed to breath, and a full time stop would also stop light. Instead, Sakuya accelerates the air around her to near-light speed, and the things within her sphere move as fast as her. Then, she can take the thousand knives and throw them, each one at a time, at Flandre, which freeze when they leave Sakuya’s sphere of influence until Sakuya starts time again.

This tactic would have worked better had the doppelganger needed to dodge the knives, rather than simply blast them away.

Unfortunately for the Flandre clone, blasting the knives in front away prevented it from noticing the second time stop which sent knives into its back.

Yukari similarly was able to get rid of her Flandre clone with a sniper rifle. Then the two stood before the portal Flandre entered. Through it they could see twisted metal and upended concrete, and the wail of sirens greeted their ears. But much of their view was blocked by the second portal Yukari used earlier to stop Flandre.

“I’ll get some eyes on the lookou-Gah!, I really hate that pipsqueak.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s on the other side of the second portal, taking out my eyes.”

“On it.” And in a moment, hundreds of the knives Sakuya was using earlier rained down through the back second portal, Yukari space side, chasing Flandre out. But instead of going straight, Flandre grabbed the edge of the portal, spun around it so that she was face to face with Yukari, and clentched her fist.

“You lose.”

Yukari exploded from the stomach, and she was hunched over hacking up blood.

“Little brat…” Yukari coughed up.

“Time to go home, Flan. And apologize to the lady for breaking her.”

“I’m sorry you broke. Wanna play again tomorrow?”

“No.
…but if we ever play again, I’m starting with portals into space. I’d like to manipulate your border too.”

“Sounds like fun!”

“Yukari!” Ran yelled, coming to the aid of her master.

“Don’t worry, I’ll sleep it off.”

“Yeah, about that, when I was getting Cirno, it seems she was in a fight with Marisa, and… I’ll rebuild the house right away.”
“Hehehe…” Yukari mumbled before passing out.

“Aw, I missed it.” Kaguya said.

“I wanted to show you all how I’m the strongest!”

“Hey Flandre, Cirno wants to play with you!”

“Please don’t provoke her.”

“Kyuu!”

“I didn’t know that ice fairies shattered.” Mokou added.

“Now that was worth it.”

“Do you two want to play?”

“Let’s play break Kaguya!”

“Yay!”

“No, not yay, wait, stop,”

“KYUU!”

____________________

Epilogue: Rules: Mokou, Kaguya reforms quickly. Mokou is a phoenix – burns when she dies, reforms from her own ashes.
_________________

Kaguya exploded into a bloody pulp.

“Now that was impressive,” Mokou complimented Flandre.

“Your turn.”

“What?”

“Kyuu!”

Mokou exploded, the pieces bursting into flames to Flandre’s delight. The flames began to gather behind Flan, reforming into Mokou.

“Wow!” Flandre exclaimed.

“That kind of hurt.”

“How many times can I break you before you stay broken?”

“Kaguya, a little help here?”

“Oh no, I’ll let you have the fun,” Kaguya answered, half reformed but still rather bloody.

“Oh, you’re back too. Yay, toys that don’t break!”

“I’m out of here,” Kaguya said, rushing through a nearby portal.

“Sakuya, can I play with her?”

“Only if she agrees.”

“No, not in here,” Ran said.

“You’re more fun than princess at least.”

“Yay, kyuu!”

And Mokou exploded again. This time, her left hand flew towards Flandre and grabbed her while Mokou formed around the hand. Mokou punched Flandre with the right as hand as the flames reformed it.

“Hehe, you’re fun. Anything else you’re hiding?”

“Just this.”

Mokou blew her own arm up, sending her hand toward flandre again. But this time, instead of grabbing Flan, the hand exploded as well, right in Flandre’s face. Burnt and bloody from before, Flandre proclaimed

“This is the best day ever!”

And the two fought each other for hours in Yukari’s domain, much to Ran’s displeasure. By the end of it, Mokou’s death count was well into the hundreds.

“That’s enough!” Ran declared, shoving the two exhausted fighters out of a portal and into the front gate of the Scarlet devil mansion.

“That was fun. I liked the part where you went boom, and then you went kablooie, and the pow, pow, pow! Wanna play again tomorrow?”

“It sounds interesting. But I’m kind of tired, Flan.”

“Me too,” and the two collapsed.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: CS on December 31, 2010, 07:57:17 PM: Hi there, I was lurking around when I first got here and I came across this thread. This kinda caught my attention so I thought maybe I would enter just for fun. Here's my entry, I'm not sure if I still have the time to come here and post this up once school reopens, so I decided to finish it as soon as I could. I hope it doesn't stray from the topics given. This one is more of a "Boy learns lesson". My English isn't that good compared to other writers out there >.<

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?Hey guys look! It?s Chao Oki!? I said to my friends, calling out and pointing at the short boy, who was nicknamed for his huge mole, who then proceeds to turn back and look at us with those round, freakishly-huge nerdy glasses.

?Y-Y-Yeah?? he said with a trembling voice.

I walked towards him and gave him a hard pat on the back. I locked my arms around his neck, tight enough that he can?t run away, yet looking innocent enough that people would pass it off as ?friends just fooling around?. ?So Chucky, I heard you got a hundred for your History, Math and Language papers. Again. You know what that means right?? I said while slowly walking him outside the school, behind the dumpster. His usual spot.

My friends blocked the view so no one from the upper floors could see us. I released the boy from my grip and punched him hard on the abdomen. He fell on the floor almost instantaneously, as expected from one who locks himself in his room to study all the time. I grabbed him by the hair and asked him, ?Ya? cheated on that test, didn?t ya???

He looked up at me and said, ?No! I certainly did not cheat! I studied all day and night for them! I worked hard to get those gra-?

I interrupted him. ?Tsk tsk. You shouldn?t cheat in your exam, Chucky. Cheating is a HUGE offense. You do remember what they told us right? It?s better to fail examinations than to pass by cheating a-

?-and living in shame with oneself. Yeah, I know that. But I swear! I did not cheat in the exa-? but before he could finish his sentence I pushed his face into the ground so he could taste the filthy soil on the ground. I made sure he could taste the embarrassment of trying to piss me off.

?So, tell me. You cheated, right?? I said once again.

?No I didn-? before he could finish, I pushed his face into the soil once again and pulled him up by the hair.

His face covered in dirt all over, despite that his huge black hairy mole was still visible. I decided to mock him by flicking the mole hard a few times. I could see a tear or two rolling down his cheeks. I asked him once again, ?You cheated, right??

?Y-Yes, I d-d-did. I-I-I cheated in the exam? he said, sobbing. By that time I could see his tears flowing down his face like two waterfalls.

I put my hand on his pants and I slowly reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. His pants were soaking wet! I didn?t really care about it and stood up from my squatting position. I opened the leather wallet and took out several notes summing up to a hundred bucks. I threw the now-empty wallet on him and stepped on the side of his cheek so he could taste the sole of my shoe. I made sure to let him understand the consequences if he were ever to attempt to get me mad again. Or any of my friends in that matter.

I looked down at the boy and said, ?You fell down the stairs and were just too stubborn to get help from anyone. You only got some light injuries and the nurse said you were gonna? be okay. During recess you spent all your money filling up your belly to your heart?s content. On your way home you were attacked by a mad dog which you tried to run away from and dropped your wallet while you were at it. When you realized it and came back for it you realized your wallet was empty with only your student card and ID card left. Got it??

There was silence for the next minute or so. I stepped on Chucky?s head, rubbing my foot on his face and repeated what I had just said, louder this time,

?GOT IT??

And with the little strength he had he gave a slight nod, fearing what I might do if he hadn?t. I spit on his face and turned my back to the pile of crap that he is, gave out a soft chuckle and walked away with my friends, leaving behind a boy who was, at that time, completely soaked in piss, tears and sweat, sobbing away.

The day ended after some afterschool club activities. I parted ways with my buddies and walked home alone. That evening was surprisingly dark. I looked up at the dark sky and thought back about what I did to Chucky. Well, it wasn?t that bad was it? I mean, at least I gave him a good excuse to tell his parents if they ever asked him. Haha, in fact, he should feel happy for himself, being ever-so-glad to lend me some money when I needed it.

I continued looking up at the darkening sky, thinking about how impossible it was for a perfect life like mine to get more perfect. I had everything a guy would ever dream of; the brains, the looks, the body, everything! I would always score good marks, despite never getting full marks for anything but I would always end up in the top ten. I was also the most athletic person in school, being the captain of the basketball team, star player for the football team AND best runner in the track team. I even got a black belt in both karate and taekwondo. No one in their right minds would ever dare mess with me! Heck, even the teachers are afraid to get me on my bad side. A female teacher once came back to her car after school only to find it with scratches everywhere and flat tyres. She never dared to scold me in class for sleeping ever again. And so as my mind was wandering around, thinking about my perfection I tripped.

GOD DAMNIT! How could I not see where I was going? How did I not realize there was something there? The holidays are just around the corner and I don?t want to spend my time with everybody with a scar or two on my beautiful face. Everything got so silent that I could hear my own thoughts. I closed my eyes and braced for impact.

And so I fell? and fell? and fell and fell? for what had seemed to be an endless fall. Was I dead? Impossible! Who would die from such a short fall? Did someone catch me? No, I didn?t feel anything or anyone that held me up. I could only feel myself falling. I opened my eyes to see what had happened and for a split second, everything was complete darkness. I was sure my eyes were open because I could see something else staring at me. No, that?s not quite right. I saw hundreds, maybe thousands, or even millions of eyes staring at me from all around me. As I was about to question myself I landed on the grassy floor face-first. WHAM!

Wait, what? How could there be grass growing here? I slowly got up on my feet, rubbing my head and wiping off some dirt on my face. I looked around me. How did I end up in this forest? I know! I must be dreaming! I thought to myself. But the pain from the fall felt real enough to let me believe that it wasn?t a dream, or at least, was something more than just a dream.

I walked around the forest to see if I could find a way out. Hours had passed and I felt like I was only walking around in circles. Most of the trees looked exactly the same. But it was after some time that I found my way to a small lake. Finally! I ran down to the lake and decided to wash my face with the water. It was very refreshing. I looked around and suddenly realized that I wasn?t alone?

Through the light mist I could see a girl sitting on a rock by the lake. I walked up to the girl and decided to ask her if she knew where we were. As I got closer I realized this: she had wings! What?s happening? I was already mad for not knowing where I was, and now I just ran into some kind of freak with insect-like wings? I really can?t believe this. I saw a thick branch that had fallen from a tree. I picked it up and I ran at the girl and managed to catch her off guard. I pushed her off the rock she was sitting on and I hit her a few times with the stick.

?WHERE THE HELL AM I!?? I screamed at the top of my lungs. I pointed the stick at her. All she could do was shake her head. No sound came out from her mouth at all. ?ARGHH! I can?t take it anymore; I am stuck in the middle of nowhere and now this? Answer me! Where am I? Where the heck is this place!??

Still no reply by the little girl! Was she mute or something? Could she not talk? I was on the verge of insanity. Out of pure rage I swung the branch down with all my might. I whacked her hard with it. Again and again and again and again and again! The branch thunders down with relentless, merciless, soul-shattering fury, pounding and poundi- well, you get my point.

After several minutes of endless torture, I looked down at the mutilated corpse of the monster girl. Now that I think about it, she was kinda? cute but looking at her now, she?s still kind- wait, what am I thinking? I looked at the corpse once again and asked myself, ?Should I hide it? What if someone finds it?? and then it hit me! What have I done? I feel so bad?

?

I feel so bad?

I feel so bad for myself!

I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Why would I even try to hide a corpse when I am stranded in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere?

I laughed off my silliness for a while and walked away.

A long time had passed and the day was nearing its end as day slowly changed to dusk. The sunset was as beautiful as ever. In fact, it felt totally different from the sky I grew up under. Is this really the same world I was born in? I was starting to have doubts about it.

The sun was already down and I was starving. ?Maybe I should have eaten that girl? I mean, it?s not cannibalism unless I?m eating a human, right? That thing was definitely NOT human??

I sat down and leaned against a rock. Suddenly I heard something behind the bushes. It was dark as ever, the moon was nowhere to be seen, probably a new moon. I felt a cold chill down my spine and my hair was standing on end.

Something jumped out of the bushes all of a sudden. In the darkness of the night, all I could see was a grotesquely disembodied head! It bounced by itself slowly and approached me.

?Take it easy!? I heard the sound come out from the bouncing head. My survival instincts got the better of me. I was just so hungry I did not care anymore. I grabbed the thing, whatever it is, and held it up to my face. I took a big bite out of its body. What?s this? It tastes surprisingly good, despite the fact that what I?m eating is a living organism which is struggling while screaming in pain and terror right now. I couldn?t get enough of it. I continued feasting on it until there was nothing left. Absolutely nothing!

I gave in to my primitive instincts. As long as I can survive through whatever mess I?m in right now, it?s okay. Before I knew it I fell asleep.

It was not long after my short nap that I awoke. I awoke only to see a dark figure standing before me. It was dark, but I could make out that it was a girl, a really young one at that. One who barely seems like she?s even in her teens yet, perhaps she hasn?t even reached puberty yet.

?Hello, there my name is Rumia? said the girl as she gave me a friendly curtsey.

?Hi, my name is Kevin and I?m lost. Perhaps you know the way to a nearby village maybe?? I asked her in a friendly tone.

Even in the dark, I could see her smiling back at me as she was running around in circles with her hands stretched out. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this girl can?t help me at all. She just seems too childish. Probably got lost herself as well.

?Hey, are you a human?? she asked a very stupid question which I replied with a nod and a big ?DUH!?

?Is that so?? Rumia said as she stopped running around. She put her hands on her stomach and rubbed them slightly. ?I?m hungry. I haven?t eaten in days, you know.?

What she said sounded very weird. Why would a girl ask me if I were human? Can?t she see with her own eyes? Idiot.

I still felt a little sleepy because the nap I just had wasn?t enough. I rubbed my eyes a little and realized Rumia was gone.

?Attacking humans is a youkai?s job!? I heard a voice from behind me and I was knocked out cold.

When I regained consciousness, I was lying on the floor. My clothes were torn. I felt a great pain on my left arm. Or at least, where my left arm was supposed to be. A fact I had not realized until I tried to lift it up. It was gone! My entire left arm was ripped off from my shoulders.

I got up slowly and saw Rumia sitting by my side, slowly chewing on every last piece of flesh on my arm. As she licked off the last drop of blood from my bones, leaving them completely clean, she turned to me and realized I was already awake.

This is bad. I thought to myself. What is this? This is insane! I have to get out of here, quick!

Before I could get up, Rumia mounted herself on my chest and quickly and easily ripped off my other arm. I screamed as loudly as I could, despite knowing I was in a forest and no one would be there to hear me scream.

Is this how it feels to be on the other end of the bully-victim scale? Is this how Chucky feels every time we pick on him? Is this how every single person on this end of that scale feels every time? No. I bet it isn?t. This is the accumulation for what I have done to all of them. This is the punishment I get for making everyone feel that way. This is what I get for hurting people every day. Everyone I had a grudge on for whatever reasons. Why didn?t I realize how they felt sooner? Why did I continue to do it? Was it really that fun? What made me so inhumane? Tears stream down my cheeks. I finally understand how people feel when I do this to them. Oh how I hate myself right now. God, I never believed in you, but if you exist out there, please oh please I beg of you. Please save me from this terrible fate! PLEASE! I don?t want to die!

Rumia laughed as she sat on top of me. She complimented on my muscles and how I did not have too much fats, as she preferred it that way. She thanked me for dinner and slowly sunk her sharp claws into my chest and ripping apart a hole. I looked at her as she pulled out my guts and started gnawing on them.

?Enjoying the view? My, my, you have a lot of guts, Kevin? she said with a wide, bloody smile across her face, and then childishly laughing at the cold joke she had just made.

She leaned closer to my face, as if to give me a kiss. Her lips were only an inch away from mine. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the worst that could happen: her biting off my face. As my body felt weaker and weaker, I started to give in. And then Rumia shoved her hand right into my throat and tore it apart?

?

I awoke in front of a huge river. Surprisingly, I could still move. How did I even end up here? Well, wherever I am, I have only one wish now: to apologize to everyone for what I have done. I know I have been a huge jerkass and if I ever get to see them again, I would treat them as dearly as I used to treat myself. I learned a very valuable life lesson today, but it wasn?t until my very last moments of life that I actually realized it.

I squinted my eyes and saw a boat coming from the distance. The thick mist covered my vision but I could make out what was on it. I could only vaguely see the silhouette of a tall, well-imposed woman on the boat, with what seems like a stick in her hand with some kind of blade on one end?

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Side note: ?Chao Oki? literally translates to something along the lines of ?rotten black mole?, and I am sorry but I do not mean to offend anyone out there. The original characters used in this story are purely fictitious and are based on no one in real life. Any similarities with anyone in real life are purely coincidental. This is my first time writing a fanfic so I have no experience in writing great ones like the other writers out there. Please comment on it and point out any mistakes I have made or anything like that. >.<

*prepares for critique*
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 06, 2011, 06:37:39 AM: Thanks to our two entrants, and I hope there are more out there working away. The deadline is the 1st of next month, so it's best to grind out an entry now and polish it.

We'll be working on the reviews as the entries come in, but I imagine the full reviews won't get into authors hands until after the contest. But we'll probably do them in order, so that's another reason to get in early.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on January 12, 2011, 09:10:59 AM: Ugh RL school work along with other commitments have been bogging me down the past month and a half... I don't think I'll be able to make the deadline and have a decent piece that isn't full of shit (We had a short story writing assignment in English class awhile back. Guess what I wrote about?) so I'm likely either dropping out of the contest or turn that ^^^ in for just the critiques. I gotta tell you though that it pretty much sucks compared to what's on here..
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on January 12, 2011, 09:28:14 AM: Quote from: capt. h on December 28, 2010, 05:18:54 AM
Flandre vs. Yukari

Author's note: It's a little rough. I might add some minor edits before the deadline. Two basic rules - Flandre can break anything provided that it exists, and Yukari can manipulate boundaries that exist....

It looks good so far but is that how you plan to end it? Cliff hangers... they don't sit right with me. Unless they provoke thought. Just my opinion.

EDIT: Considering Kaguya is supposed to be immortal.... and given Flandre's ability, it creates a "How did that turn out?" thought I guess and apparently I don't like that? Again, it's just my opinion. Maybe its the best work ever and I'm just a Cirno. Also because of the way I posted, I'm going to make subsequent comments on your writing in this post and the same goes for comments on other people's entries.

EDIT#2:
Quote from: capt. h on January 12, 2011, 08:30:58 PM
Actually, no, That's not how I plan to end it. I plan to make this a series, but I didn't want to hold myself to a series, because I'm halfway through 2-3 other series.

I have some time before the deadline, should I make a part 2?

I should note, the quality of all fiction is subjective. Don't be afraid of criticizing something because of who you are, I am trying to appeal to people and I clearly did not appeal to you as much as I should have.

EDIT: Mokou and Kaguya fights are kind of bloody, so I'm not sure how age-appropriate the continuation will be. It should be the same age rating as the previous story though.

Double edit: I'm adding an epilogue. Not to improve the story, but to appeal to my own interests and do away with the un certain ending from before.

I think you should make a part two if you can keep the flow of the story while writing in such short(?) time.
Thanks for noting that, since I probably wouldn't have thought about it and would've been cautious to voice my opinions.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on January 12, 2011, 09:52:29 AM: Quote from: CS on December 31, 2010, 07:57:17 PM

.....
This is my first time writing a fanfic so I have no experience in writing great ones like the other writers out there. Please comment on it and point out any mistakes I have made or anything like that. >.<

*prepares for critique*

I'm speechless and I'm still deciding whether thats a good thing or a subject choice thing. 0.0 Also bold move writing blood blood and gore. Atleast I think it is. But you created an image of his situation in my head quite easily so good job on the descriptions (descriptive narrations, what ever). I don't know how to explain this but it felt... kind of short plot wise.

EDIT: Yeah Ryuu I realized my idiocy. And so I will confine myself to commenting other entries within these 3 posts as mentioned in the above edit. A deserving fate really, posting on impulse. =(
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on January 12, 2011, 09:59:54 AM: hey dudebro, could you just use that nifty insert quote button underneath the post box instead of posting three times in a row

just saying
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on January 12, 2011, 11:40:07 AM: Well, finally finished up my entry. I'm pretty proud of it, for a full story done in 7 pages. Got the idea and wrote it while I was listening to this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN-hqrCYtKo), so go ahead and listen while you read, I suppose. Here's hoping I haven't gotten rusty.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The steady footsteps of the man walking barefoot through the deep snow could just be heard over the howling blizzard. He pushed against the wind, a thin blanket and ragged clothes forming the only protection he had against the freezing weather, arms wrapped around his shivering body, stumbling and nearly falling time and time again.

All around him was whistling white. He didn?t know where he was going. His footsteps didn?t take long to get covered over by the blizzard, so there was no point in trying to turn back. He hadn?t seen anything in hours to mark his location, aside from a few scattered stones and a frozen deer corpse, which was rendered useless as far as food or warmth went.

Then, at last, a shadow loomed in front of him, a towering shape off in the distance. As he drew closer to it, he could see that it was a large, naturally-formed stone pillar, a decent place to hide from the wailing wind and form a plan of some kind.

He sat with his back against the cold stone, shivering violently while holding his legs close to his body for warmth. The blanket was almost completely worthless, barely keeping back any of the cold air, but, nonetheless, he covered himself with it to help as best as it could.

?where was he going, again? For that matter, where did he come from? He was running away from?something. And he had to go somewhere important, but?where?

White. Everything around him was so?white. So very white.

He checked his hands. They were turning blue. He tried bending his fingers, but they felt like thousands of freezing, burning needles were being dug into the joints. Everything hurt too much to move.

And everything was so white?

----------------------

The man was slowly awakened by a strong heat and the feeling of someone lifting him up from under his arms.

?Geez, corpses are usually so easy to carry! What?s the matter with this one? I can?t be gettin? outta shape, can I??

A girl?s voice, with a strange accent. The man opened his eyes slowly to see a girl with short, bright red hair, two long braids tied with black bows, and?black cat ears.

He let out a weak shout of surprise, flailing suddenly despite the stabbing pain in his joints. The girl yowled almost like a cat, dropping him and falling backward into the snow.

After a moment, the man looked up to see a wheelbarrow nearby, its wooden wheels covered in flames and a white cloth over the bucket. The girl was lying on her back in the snow, while two floating skulls sheathed in blue fire fussed over her.

?I?I?m seeing things,? he mumbled. ?Cold?s getting to me. Hallucinating.?

The girl suddenly sat up, rubbing the back of her head. The man could see that she was wearing a long, very dark green dress, and her long fingernails were painted red and sharpened like claws. He even thought he saw a pair of black tails flicking back and forth behind her.

Finally, her bright, orange, catlike eyes met his, and she suddenly swore and swatted at the snow at her feet. ?Damn! You?re not even dead! I dunno how I coulda screwed up so bad. This?s never happened before, not in my whole life of cartin? corpses. Ah, geez, how humiliating! I?ll be the laughin?stock of Hell if anyone finds out.? Hands on the back of her head, she crumpled forward, apparently having a minor breakdown over this accident.

The man just lay there, staring at the cat girl in shock. He had to admit, he wasn?t as cold as he had been earlier, probably thanks to the flaming wheels on that cart, but this was all so strange. It seemed he owed his life to this weird girl who would have been happier if he had really been dead. Either that, or he was already dead, and this was some strange death-dream before the shinigami came to claim him.

The man cleared his throat, pushing himself up into a sitting position. ?Uh?I?I?m sorry if I disappointed you. Who are you, anyway? Are you a youkai??

The girl stopped her moaning long enough to look back up at the man and sigh. She scratched at a pair of pointy human ears below her cat ears before replying. ?Yeah, I?m a youkai. Name?s Rin Kaenbyou, but everyone calls me Orin.? Grumbling, she stood up, took hold of the wheelbarrow?s handles, and started heading off, the floating skulls following close behind.

?Wait,? the man called weakly. ?Orin. Where are you going??

The cat girl stopped and looked back with those strange eyes. ?Headin? off to let you die so I can take your corpse later, strong corpse brother. What else would I be doin???

The man was too shocked to say anything, yet again, but he managed to get something out. ?Please. Stay with me for a while. Your cart is warm, and I?m dying from the cold. If you take it away, I won?t last long.?

?That?s the point.?

?Please, Miss Orin. I?ve been walking alone for hours. I think I?ve been going mad. If you would just indulge a dying man and stay with me for a little while, I promise you?ll have my body soon.? He coughed a few times, starting to shiver violently again. ?Please. Just a few minutes. I don?t want to die alone here.?

The expression on Rin?s face seemed to show that she was having a kind of inner battle. On the one hand, she wanted to get his corpse and get it over with?but on the other hand, she?d feel guilty if she acted heartless enough to force this man to die cold and alone.

??alright, fine,? she eventually mumbled, turning her wheelbarrow around and pushing it back over to the man. ?But if you?re not dead soon, I?m gonna hurry it up. I have work to do, y?know.?

Once near the man again, she flipped the wheelbarrow over so the flaming wheels were pointing up into the air. Then she plopped down onto the snow-covered ground, sitting cross-legged with her elbows on her knees and her chin propped in her hands. The skulls floated idly around her as her tails twitched anxiously. She seemed very upset that her work was being delayed.

The man drew closer to the flames, eagerly soaking in their warmth. The wind didn?t hit them so much from behind the pillar, and the flames seemed not to be affected by the gusts of air anyway.

?So,? he began, after a short bout of silence, ?why do you need my corpse, Orin??

The cat girl had been lazily drawing in the snow with a fingernail. She looked up when spoken to, returning her hand to its earlier location under her chin. ?I carry corpses down to Hell so we can fuel the Hell of Blazing Fires. The yamas abandoned it a long time ago, so it?s weak and it needs corpses to keep itself goin?.?

Yes, the man thought, this is definitely a dream of some kind. No way any of this could really be true.

?Anyway, what?re you doin? walkin? around in this weather, strong corpse brother? You lookin? for something??

?I really wish you wouldn?t keep calling me corpse brother,? the man replied, sighing. ?My name is Yuuto Nigatsu.?

?Sure, corpse bro-I mean, Yuuto. Anyway, what?s up with you??

?Well?I?m sorry, but my memory?it isn?t working right. I remember that I have a wife and a daughter. Some time ago I was taken from them, by?slave drivers, I think.?

Rin?s eyes widened in interest. ?Wow, really? What?d they do? How?d you get out??

Yuuto rubbed his forehead. It hurt. Everything still hurt. The fire was helping, at least, and trying to focus on the events that he was forgetting distracted him from the frostbite and the cold.

?A lot of whipping. They made us do heavy lifting, probably making some kind of building. I got out somehow, but I don?t remember how. One minute we were working, and the next I was running for my life. That?s it, I?ve been trying to get back to my family.? Yuuto?s voice trailed off as he stared into the fire, trying to recall exactly what had been happening. ?I wanted to find my way back to them, tell them I?m alright.?

A look of genuine concern formed on Rin?s face. Her ears twitched a few times. She scratched one of them and looked down at the snow-covered ground. ?Well?uh?d?you know how close you are? Maybe you?re almost there, and maybe I can give you a ride or somethin???

The man just shook his head. ?No, I don?t know. I?m not even sure I?ve been walking in the right direction. I guess I feel like if I keep walking long enough, I should reach something, or someone.? A ragged cough escaped from his mouth, tearing up his throat. Once it passed, he sighed and leaned back on the stone behind him. ?I?m not sure I?m going to make it, though. My joints feel like they?re packed with needles, I can?t breathe without it hurting, and I think I?m seeing things.? A laugh. ?After all, how else could a girl with cat ears and tails be talking to me over a flaming wheelbarrow? That?s just ridiculous.?

The kasha couldn?t help but feel a little insulted that Yuuto thought she was a hallucination of some kind, but she had to admit that it could?ve been possible. She saw a lot of people die in situations like this, slowly expiring from frostbite. Hallucinations were part of the symptoms when it started getting lethal, which was something she learned from all the times she heard victims talking to people or things that weren?t there.

Yuuto broke into a fit of coughing again. Once it passed, he closed his eyes and sighed. ?I?m not going to make it at this rate. I guess that was a stupid idea, just running out like that without a plan.?

?Hey, hey, hey!? Rin stood up and leaped over to Yuuto, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him. ?You?re not dyin? now, not at this rate. C?mon, we gotta get you to your family. I?m sure there?s someone nearby who can help.?

?Why are you so insistent all of a sudden? Didn?t you want my corpse just a minute ago??

?Yeah, but?but that?s not important right now. Alright, if you won?t get up I?ll look for someone to help. Just wait here, ok?? As Rin was about to stand up, Yuuto?s hand on her shoulder stopped her.

?Orin. I want to thank you for staying with me. I know it inconvenienced you, but now I don?t have to die cold and alone.? His grip tightened, squeezing her shoulder. He smiled. ?I couldn?t see my family again, but I made a friend to be with me in my last moments. And for that, I?m grateful.?

Rin stared into his eyes, unable to move. He looked so peaceful, so happy. Like he knew his life was over, like he knew he had unfinished business and people who would be heartbroken to miss him, but he accepted it. Not like many of the other corpses Rin saw, who were often unsettled in some way, not quite at peace, or they were too decayed to tell. But Yuuto wasn?t even dead yet, and he looked happier than any other corpse Rin had ever seen in her life.

Suddenly, she shook her head, her braids swinging from side to side. ?No, c?mon. You can?t give up yet. There?s a reason I called you strong corpse brother, y?know. Just hang in there, and don?t do anythin? stupid. There?s gotta be someone nearby, I know it. You?re gonna live, whether you like it or not!?

Before Yuuto could say anything more, the girl before him morphed into a small black and red cat with two tails. She darted off around the rock, in the direction Yuuto had been traveling, followed by the floating skulls. There was a reason he was going that way, and she was going to figure it out.

She lost track of time as she ran against the wind, through the deep, white snow. Eventually, she saw a light in the distance. A window. A house. She leaped onto the windowsill and poked her nose against the window, staring between the curtains into the house. A girl and a young woman sat at a table, wrapped in blankets as they ate a meal. Nearby was a fireplace with framed pictures on the mantle.

Rin could see pictures of Yuuto with the girl and the woman.

She found them. They couldn?t be that far away, just a short trek from the stone where they set up camp. She could put Yuuto in her wheelbarrow and cart him over, and he would see his family again.

A black and red streak shot through the snowfield again, running with the wind this time.

Once she was almost at the rock, Rin shifted to her human form again and called for Yuuto?s attention. ?Hey! Yuuto! I found them, I found your family. You were heading the right way, just a mile or two and we?ll-?

A familiar scent hit her nose as she reached the rock. It was a smell she experienced all the time, particularly when she was working. And when the upturned wheelbarrow came into view again, she saw Yuuto, leaning against the rock as if he were sleeping.

Rin?s face was blank as she knelt down next to him. No breathing, no pulse. The scent of a fresh corpse was heavy around him.

?You couldn?tve waited just a little longer??

----------------------

The moon was nearing the end of its journey when Komachi emerged from a purple and black patch of smoke in the middle of the snowfield, riding her small wooden boat across the snow. Purple and black ether held it aloft, allowing it to move through the snow as if it were water. When she reached a large rock, she pushed the butt of her scythe into the snow to slow the boat, trying to figure out what she was looking at. Next to the rock lay a man she recognized as the person she came to claim, but nearby there was an upturned wheelbarrow with flaming wheels and a red-haired girl in a black and green dress lying on the ground.

?Is that??

Komachi hopped off the boat, the snow crunching under her sandals. She approached the girl, who was lying curled up on her side with two evil spirits floating around her, and gently shook her shoulder. ?Hey. Hey, Rin. Wake up.?

Rin?s cat ears and tails twitched a few times, and she mumbled something sleepily. After a few more shakes, her eyes slowly opened and she looked up at Komachi. ?Oh??s you,? she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. ?Took you long enough. I?ve been waiting.?

?I can see that,? the death god replied, a smile on her face. She rested her strangely curved scythe on her shoulder and placed her other hand on her hip as she looked over at Yuuto?s body. ?Now this is a strange sight. You usually take the fresher corpses down to Hell before I can get the souls. What?s wrong? Is he too fresh for you, or something??

Rin followed Komachi?s gaze, sitting cross-legged on the ground. ?No, not that.? She stared at the body for a moment before getting up to turn her wheelbarrow over. ?I talked to him for a while before he died, and I figured that if anyone deserved a chance to get into Heaven, he did. So I waited up.?

Komachi laughed, shaking her head in surprise. ?Amazing self-restraint on your part. If that tengu were here, you?d probably be front-page material right about now.? Still chuckling to herself, Komachi walked over to Yuuto?s body and held him by the shoulder. As she pulled her arm back, a pale, featureless human shape rose out of the corpse and stood next to her. It slowly walked onto her boat and took a seat inside, its head bowed. ?Wow, this one was ready to die, it seems,? Komachi commented, eyes slightly widened in amazement. ?Most people aren?t nearly so cooperative. The celestials will even get into fights over it!?

?Yeah, he was ready for it.? Rin had turned her wheelbarrow over already and began lifting Yuuto?s body into it. Once it was safely inside, she turned her head to Yuuto?s soul, still sitting in the boat with his head bowed. ?I wonder if he remembers??

The shinigami placed a hand on Rin?s shoulder and squeezed it gently. She met the kasha?s gaze with a warm smile. ?You did good, Orin. That?s something to be proud of.? Komachi gave Rin?s shoulder one last squeeze, then climbed onto her boat and turned it around. She gave the cat a last look over her shoulder. ?I?ll see you around, eh??

Rin nodded. The boat slowly sailed off into the mist again. Just before it disappeared from sight, Yuuto?s soul turned around and waved at Rin.

Rin?s heart felt warm. She waved back.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Esifex on January 12, 2011, 01:34:47 PM: I love Orin as a character and I love you for writing Orin as a well-done character with more depth than 'Ooo a corpse :3'
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on January 12, 2011, 08:30:58 PM: Quote from: jaxter0987 on January 12, 2011, 09:28:14 AM
It looks good so far but is that how you plan to end it? Cliff hangers... they don't sit right with me. Unless they provoke thought. Just my opinion.

EDIT: Considering Kaguya is supposed to be immortal.... and given Flandre's ability, it creates a "How did that turn out?" thought I guess and apparently I don't like that? Again, it's just my opinion. Maybe its the best work ever and I'm just a Cirno. Also because of the way I posted, I'm going to make subsequent comments on your writing in this post and the same goes for comments on other people's entries.

Actually, no, That's not how I plan to end it. I plan to make this a series, but I didn't want to hold myself to a series, because I'm halfway through 2-3 other series.

I have some time before the deadline, should I make a part 2?

I should note, the quality of all fiction is subjective. Don't be afraid of criticizing something because of who you are, I am trying to appeal to people and I clearly did not appeal to you as much as I should have.

EDIT: Mokou and Kaguya fights are kind of bloody, so I'm not sure how age-appropriate the continuation will be. It should be the same age rating as the previous story though.

Double edit: ~~I'm adding an epilogue. Not to improve the story, but to appeal to my own interests and do away with the un certain ending from before.~~ Epilogue moved.

___________________________
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on January 13, 2011, 07:58:27 AM: Quote from: Squidtentacle on January 12, 2011, 11:40:07 AM
Well, finally finished up my entry. I'm pretty proud of it, for a full story done in 7 pages. Got the idea and wrote it while I was listening to this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN-hqrCYtKo), so go ahead and listen while you read, I suppose. Here's hoping I haven't gotten rusty.

You should be proud of this :3
I love the transition when Komachi comes into the story and the ending. = ) absolutely loved it!
I don't like the background story for the man though. It seemed a bit too general and vague. I mean I guess it makes the story more focused on the present and not the past but...I just feel like there could've been another reason he was walking through that storm.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 20, 2011, 07:48:59 AM: Less then two weeks to go, but still plenty of time to start from scratch and get in an entry! Entries end at 3:00am February 1st PST. I am pleased with what I've seen. But I believe there are many authors still out there who can make an entrance as well.

Thanks to our first three entrants. I'm piecing together reviews right now, though some of the other judges want to go through all the stories at once (to not lose that new story smell) so you'll get them all after the judging.

Just as an administrative note: capt h. if you want to add that to your story edit your original post for the ease of the judges who haven't seen it yet.

I'm looking forward to seeing what the future brings.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: MaxKnight on January 20, 2011, 08:25:50 AM: I have a story that I just recently published over at fanfiction.net that hasn't seen any reviews. It can potentially fit both subjects at the same time, but is somewhat on the longish side (a little over 10,000 words). Would there be an issue for me to submit it here? Would the fact that it's already published somewhere and that length be problematic? I can either paste it into here or provide a link to where it's already at (a single chapter story, but there's a second chapter because I felt like explaining things in great detail that were intentionally left out of the story proper; should not actually be considered part of the story).
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on January 20, 2011, 12:00:36 PM: Bah I won't get anything in here, partly because the themes don't really appeal to me but mostly because I can't pull out a story much longer than 500 words unless I'm really engaged.
I might write something out of an earlier class assignment but it probably won't fit into this thread ::)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on January 20, 2011, 02:35:19 PM: @ Iced Fairy - I'll add it to the original link, but I was thinking the original story would be better if instead I subtracted any reference to Mokou, Cirno, or Kaguya. I only left it open ended so I had room for new chapters, and I only added the epilogue for my own personal author appeal rather than for the sake of quality.

Eh, if I should cut back, I'll let the reviewer tell me so. Editting post.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 20, 2011, 04:37:52 PM: Quote from: MaxKnight on January 20, 2011, 08:25:50 AM
I have a story that I just recently published over at fanfiction.net that hasn't seen any reviews. It can potentially fit both subjects at the same time, but is somewhat on the longish side (a little over 10,000 words). Would there be an issue for me to submit it here? Would the fact that it's already published somewhere and that length be problematic? I can either paste it into here or provide a link to where it's already at (a single chapter story, but there's a second chapter because I felt like explaining things in great detail that were intentionally left out of the story proper; should not actually be considered part of the story).
Feel free to submit it. The length will only really affect how specific a review is, and we don't care where else it's published (all my stuff is up on FF.net as well). I would suggest double checking it yourself before dropping it in, and as I said, the length of a work affects how specific a reviewer can get. But if you feel you need more general tips instead of detailed critiques we're happy to accept it.

Please do give us the full formatted text instead of just a FF.net link though. it's easier to judge that way, and FF.nets enforced formatting is sickeningly bad.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: MaxKnight on January 21, 2011, 04:22:29 AM: Um, all right... I guess here goes nothing... It's my first and only story I've ever put any effort into that was in first person perspective; please be brutal.

I was humiliated.

No matter how hard I tried, those four? invaders? just bobbed and weaved around my bullets, blasting past me like I was nothing. I wasn?t even supposed to be there, but I couldn?t sit back while my home was being attacked. I left the castle, despite my mother?s warnings; I waited for them at the entrance to the city, my two dolls standing by to support me. They attacked in turn, each one looking like they were fighting for different reasons.

When it was all over, they flew past me; the one in red-white riding the turtle simply nodded like it was as to be expected, the one in blue-green with the ghost tail smirked as she passed me, the one in red-green carrying the umbrella just looked like she took delight in causing pain, and the one in purple riding the broom? she just shrugged and grinned, speeding off to join the other three.

I tried my best out there, but it apparently wasn?t good enough. When I got back to the castle, mother berated me for disobeying, but she didn?t outright yell. When the intruders managed to reach the inside of the castle, I was told to stand back; I watched as mother unleashed the full extent of her powers, and still she couldn?t beat them. I couldn?t believe my eyes; Shinki, goddess of all Makai, wasn?t able to put them down. She agreed to halt the tours of Gensokyo and just let them go?

I was outraged. Despite having destroyed half of Makai, these were being allowed to just walk away. I couldn?t let this happen, and I knew just how to do it. In the library is one book that no one is allowed to touch. I ran in there and found it still there, hovering in the center of the magic circle that contained it. It?s called a grimoire, and it?s said to contain very powerful and forbidden magic. I knew that if I used that I could stop them, so I reached out for it with both hands?

It was both the most wonderful and the most horrifying thing I?d ever experienced. I could feel the magic coming off of it, even while it was closed. For several minutes I just stood there, letting the magic wash over me. Once it was all over, I held the book close to me; I was far too small to hold the book like a normal person, so while it was closed I just clutched it to my chest. I looked around the library? there was no one there because the castle had been evacuated by mother when it was known that the invaders were headed for the castle.

I flew as fast as I could, now aided by the book, and managed to actually head them off at the gateway between our worlds. I opened the book which now had the title of Grimoire of Alice on it, and found myself automatically casting a spell which sealed the four of them in my own world; my own Wonderland. I remembered my mother reading me a story about another little girl named Alice and her adventures and imagined my own world in that same way.

They were confused at first, but soon found their bearings and started heading straight for me. I put as much resistance as I could in their way, but still they just blasted through. Again, they managed to reach me, and not even the magic of the grimoire was enough to stop them. I was beaten again.

I was so ashamed. I had once again disobeyed mother, both by taking the forbidden book and again leaving the castle without her permission. I knew that disappointment wasn?t the only thing she was going to feel, and I couldn?t return to face her?

Once the illusion of the world I had created was dispelled, the four once again looked down on me. All but one simply flew off without a word, the last one stopping long enough to say, ?That was a nice try, ze. You?ll have to do better than that to stop us, though!? She grinned again as she did last time and sped off to follow them.

I looked back to the city and the castle; they were half in ruins, and I wasn?t able to avenge them. I couldn?t go back, which meant the only way to go was forward; into Gensokyo and the outside world.

I emerged from the cave, looking about me in wonder. It was the middle of the night; I knew this as we had a 24-hour clock in Makai just the same, but I had never actually seen the night sky before. A sliver of moon hung above the tree line, and hundreds of stars twinkled. I clutched the book tightly, and found that at some point after my defeat some ribbon appeared around it and a lock now hung from the ribbon. There was a heaviness in the pocket of my dress; a key was there, as if by magic, and I knew it belonged to my grimoire.

I didn?t have time to puzzle over this, however; the exhaustion from the last two battles was finally catching up to me, and I had to find someplace to rest for the night. There was a forest nearby, and while I had never seen trees up close, let alone a forest before, I knew I could find a branch in the boughs to get some sleep. I could worry about my surroundings in the morning?

Before falling asleep, I made a mental note that the surrounding air of Gensokyo didn?t seem to have as much ambient magic as that of Makai, at least until I entered the forest, which seemed to have a magic of a different feel in the atmosphere.

When sunlight broke through the canopy, I felt stiff, but surprisingly not hungry nor thirsty. After stretching and getting feeling back into my arms and legs I began wandering the forest, looking for sustenance despite my lack of hunger. I did this for a week before finding my way through to the other side. It was all but pleasurable, however.

No, that was more like my week in hell.

I could feel it; my body was gradually changing. It was a fact that humans were rare in Makai; the air is said to be poisonous and possibly fatal under the right kind of exposure. I suppose I was a lucky one to have been found in Makai at a very young age where my resistances and antibodies were still in the process of being manufactured. I managed to adapt, but was still a human, whereas an older human that travels to Makai can only stay for so long before their body shuts down from the atmosphere. Only the strongest of human magicians can hope to survive prolonged exposure.

This is not to say that there weren?t side effects to my adaptation. In actual age when I escaped to Gensokyo I was 14 years old; physically, however, I was residing in the body of a 10 year old. Because I looked the part, mother treated me like a child. It probably didn?t help that I was always playing with dolls, though magically animating them to help you do things wasn?t likely the normal kind of playing that little girls would do.

So my growth was inhibited in Makai, and now that I was no longer in Makai my body saw fit to play a little catch up. I?m still not sure if it was the change in environment that did it, or if it was the book, but either way, I was definitely aging. If the actual process had been spread out more, I might not have paid it any attention, but as it was, my body was growing by four years in the space of one week.

It was painful. I grew taller by nearly a foot, and my various proportions filled out to match my new height. I found the dress I was wearing when I left Makai no longer fit right and was barely able to cover me anymore. I escaped the forest and spotted what looked to be a village in the distance, and walking into the place it was all I could do to keep my decency as I walked the path and was scrutinized by the humans living there.

The villagers watched me as I wandered; that?s when I met the one that would throw me a lifeline. She was taller than me by a number of inches and had bluish-silver hair, wearing a blue dress and a hat that looked like it should fall off with barely any movement of her head. She introduced herself as Keine Kamishirasawa, the schoolteacher of the young children of the village. Whenever a stranger would appear in The Human Village, she was usually the one to greet them and make sure they weren?t planning to bring any harm to anyone.

She could see me walking about in clothes that barely fit me, looking very tired and lost, and decided to invite me into her home. Whether this was out of pity or whatever else you might choose to call it I can?t say and I never asked her, but I gladly accepted the invite. She provided me with a place to rest, as well as food and drink. At first she didn?t ask anything of me, and for the first week in the village it was like that, with me adjusting to the ways and customs of the people of Gensokyo.

Miss Keine provided me with better fitting clothing, though it wasn?t quite in the style I would have liked; fortunately I had plenty of experience in making clothing for my dolls and was able to make something more to my liking soon enough. Speaking of my dolls, the two that I had with me on the day of the invasion were still in the pockets of my old dress. Miss Keine found me animating them with my magic and finally asked something of me for having stayed with her; she asked me to entertain the schoolchildren and assist her while classes were in session. I felt bad for imposing on her all that time and agreed to help in any way I could.

I was popular with the children and even started taking joy from seeing their smiling faces when I would conclude a small play for them. I was informed of a small village-wide festival that was planned for a couple of weeks ahead and agreed to entertain for that, too. It was an exciting time for me, as I was experiencing many new things and all of it was me on my own, no longer being ordered what to do by my mother and not being allowed to go anywhere or do anything. I felt free.

On the night of the festival everything seemed to be going so well; the villagers had accepted me as one of them and the children all enjoyed my show. I had crafted a third doll to act with the other two, and while the workmanship wasn?t quite the same due to the materials being different than what I used to be provided with in Makai, none of the kids complained. The night was gorgeous with the moon and stars shining brightly and the entire village was lit by a multitude of torches. Yes, everything was great?

Then I saw her.

The one in purple from nearly a month previous; I had almost managed to forget that time, but seeing her made it all come back in a rush. Fortunately I didn?t see her until I had just finished a show, so it didn?t interrupt anything; in fact, she was standing behind the children where some of the adults were applauding my show along with them, that same grin as she had gave me both times I had been beaten. She didn?t seem to recognize me, and of course who would? I no longer looked like the little girl in the bright blue and pink dress with the blue bow in her hair; I now actually appeared my age, and was wearing a pale blue dress that reached my ankles, a white shawl around my shoulders and pink ribbon tied at my waist, with a red hairband.

I announced that I was taking a break and severed my magical connection to my dolls, picking up my book and walking over to a table where pitchers of water and an assortment of food was laid out; although I couldn?t say I was actually thirsty, I still felt the need to get a glass of water to calm myself. Of course, as I stood there taking a drink while clutching my book, who else but the witch girl would approach me.

?Hey, you?re not too bad; you new around here??

I swallowed the gulp that I had just taken and set the glass back down. ?Yes, I? just arrived a few weeks ago.? I could barely speak the words, but still tried my best to sound as natural as possible.

She eyed me for several moments and lingered on my grimoire. Her eyes widened in recognition and she said, ?Wait, I recognize you now! You?re that girl from Makai, ain?tcha??

I froze. I wanted to run away, but I knew she was faster than I was. The moment she tells the villagers, I just know that I?ll be tossed out, and where else could I go? Back to Makai? Back to mother?

She saw my apprehension, though, and held her hands in front of her. ?Oh, don?t worry; I?m not gonna tell nobody. I?m just surprised to find you up here is all.?

I felt a little bit of relief wash over me, but it was replaced almost immediately by suspicion. I narrowed my eyes at her and asked, ?Why? After everything that happened back home, why would you choose to leave me be??

She grinned again. I was at a complete loss as to what it was supposed to mean. ?Well, if you want a fight that bad? I just meant that these villagers seem to have taken a liking to you, and I?m sure the kids?d be disappointed to find that you weren?t going to be around anymore.? She looked around at the gathering of the villagers before turning back to me and saying, ?Oh yeah, we haven?t introduced ourselves, have we? Name?s Marisa. Kirisame Marisa.?

She held out her right hand, and I realized it was something of a formal greeting. I held out my own hand and grasped hers with it, realizing that she had a much stronger grip than I was expecting. ?Alice Margatroid.?

The festival wound down as the evening went on; Marisa continued to watch my shows, though I can?t for the life of me figure out why. After my last show, she approached me with the most unusual request I had ever heard?

?I don?t know where you?re staying right now, but how about you stay over at my place tonight? It?ll be like a sleepover!?

She sounded so enthusiastic about it, and I was genuinely curious as to why she would want to do something like that. ?Um? okay. I guess that would be alright. I need to go get some things first though??

?I?ll go with ya!?

She followed me back to the home where I had been living, and upon our arrival we were met with a voice saying, ?Well well, Marisa Kirisame; not content with mere possessions, now you?ve come to steal my houseguest as well??

Marisa had the good graces to at least look a little guilty at the accusation. She replied all the same. ?Aw, come on Miss Keine; I haven?t taken anything from anyone in a long time! It?s only for one night, I swear!?

Keine chuckled at the response and shook her head. ?It?s fine, Marisa; just make sure you bring her back in one piece tomorrow, okay??

?Of course, ze!?

I was now a little worried about what was to come tonight, but the way Keine smiled made me slightly more at ease about the whole situation. I nodded to her and entered the house, taking care to pack up some night clothes and something to wear for tomorrow. I didn?t have many possessions outside of my dolls and wasn?t worried to be leaving anything else behind. Once I was ready, I walked back out the front door and bowed to Miss Keine in thanks.

I was surprised when Marisa hopped onto her broom; I thought she lived somewhere in the village, looking to be about the same age as me. I took to the air and followed her. I was even more surprised to find us heading for the forest that I spent that agonizing week in. We came to something of a clearing, and there, nestled in the middle of the forest, was a house.

It was a squat little house, consisting of only a single floor, but seemed like it might be able to accommodate a bit of living space. We touched down in front of the door and Marisa unceremoniously threw it aside and walked right in. I walked cautiously behind her and was astonished at what I saw; a single word could describe this house: cluttered. It wasn?t an absolute mess, but it could at least be a little better organized. At least it wasn?t filled with garbage; most of it was piles of what looked to be old books.

Marisa cleared off a wooden table near the kitchen and said, ?Home sweet home; make yourself comfortable, I?ll bring us some tea!?

She walked around a counter of some sort and filled a small teapot with water from the sink. ?Wait, is that a faucet?? ?You have running water here??

Marisa looked up to me and said, ?Yeah; it costs a little, but it?s one o? them conveniences that the Kappa have been tryin? to bring to everyone in Gensokyo. They hear about all kinds of strange stuff from the outside world and try to recreate it here.?

I nodded and sat down at her table, continuing to look around the room. The place certainly felt cozy, though again I felt the urge to just start cleaning. The castle was always spotless; Yumeko took her job very seriously.

Marisa returned with two steaming cups, handing one to me, and sat down at the table across from me. Being unsure of what kind of tea it was, I held it close and breathed in the aroma; nothing I was familiar with, which would have given me pause had Marisa not taken a sip of her own. I mentally shrugged and took a sip as well.

I must have made a face or something, because after that Marisa said, ?Aw, don?t like my recipe??

I shook my head. ?It?s not that; back in Makai we didn?t drink tea. We mostly had just water, milk, and coffee.?

?Coffee, huh?? It must have cooled down enough for her as she took a big gulp of her drink. ?Coffee is hard to find around here; only the richest of villagers tend to have any. ?Tis why we mostly drink tea!? She downed the rest of her cup while I continued to sip at mine. ?So tell me, Alice; how is it that you look like this now? Back almost a month ago you looked like a little girl.?

I started for just a second; that was a question I should have been expecting. ?I? don?t actually know the reason. Shortly after leaving Makai, my body started changing on its own. Now, I at least physically look my own age of fourteen, whereas before I looked no older than ten.?

Marisa stared at me for a moment before saying, ?You?re a year younger than me, huh?? She looked down at the front of her robe and frowned. ?Younger but more developed than me, just like Reimu??

I blinked in sudden realization of what she meant and promptly turned my head away. I could feel the faint blush; this was not how conversation typically went back home. ?A-anyways? what were you doing with them in Makai? I mean, other than blowing everything up??

She grinned, which again confused the heck out of me. ?Oh, I?m a youkai hunter, or exterminator depending on who you talk to. A bunch of foreign fairies and youkai showed up in Gensokyo one day, and Reimu set out to find where they were coming from and put a stop to them. It wasn?t the first time something like that happened, so I followed her in order to practice my magic and maybe get a share of the glory. Mima followed next, partly because of me and partly because of Reimu; Mima used to be my mentor for learning magic and she?s kind of like the resident evil spirit of Reimu?s shrine. As for Yuuka? I actually don?t know why she followed; maybe she just wanted to blow some stuff up?? She leaned back in her chair and propped her feet up on the table, slightly disgusting me in the process. This girl didn?t seem to have any polite manners at all! She continued after putting her hands behind her head, ?We followed the trail of youkai to the cave where the border of Gensokyo and Makai was, and just went from there. You should know the rest of the story, of course.? She winked after saying that.

Of course I know the rest of the story; I was part of it. Not once but twice was I beat by those four. I set my cup down and put a hand on my grimoire; if Marisa was worried about the gesture, she didn?t show it.

I was startled when she suddenly dropped her chair back down and sat up straight; I very nearly unleashed some of my magic on her when it happened, but stopped myself when I saw she was just taking her hat off. Wait, no? not just taking her hat off, but reaching for something in a hidden pocket of the hat.

It was a small octagonal piece of wood. Around the outside of the top surface were a set of markings; trigrams, if I remembered the definition from a book I once read. She held it out to me and said, ?Check this out; it?s called a mini-hakkero. I got it from Kourin just before we left for Makai. He described it as an ?elemental reactor? and it?s supposed to enhance the power of my magic. You probably weren?t paying attention during our second battle, but it?s the only reason I was able to stand up to what you did to us.? I was once again surprised at something Marisa said or did; she just admitted that without that tool I could have beat her. ?Of course, the others didn?t need anything like this; I have to work really hard to train my magic up, but Yuuka and Mima are already really powerful, and Reimu? well, everything comes natural to her. I?m always behind her when it comes to Youkai hunting ability.?

I could hear a hint of jealousy in her voice when she said this, and it makes sense. I?d feel the same way if it were me being shown up by someone that didn?t actually work for her accomplishments. I suddenly yawned, and realized that it was getting to be quite late; I was usually asleep by now.

Marisa got up and took my now empty cup back to the kitchen, then walked back in stared straight ahead, eyes wide as if she just realized she had forgotten something. ?Uh? heh heh? I kinda forgot to tell ya that I?ve only got the one futon fer sleepin?; that gonna be a problem??

A term that came up a couple of times in the village popped into my mind at that moment: facepalm. I didn?t actually do that, but a mental image of myself did. I weighed my options and realized that I was too tired to make my way back to the village now, so I instead just shrugged and said, ?It can?t be helped; I guess you did say this is supposed to be a sleepover, after all?? She looked relieved at my answer, which I guess makes sense; I don?t think she?s the kind who would intentionally hurt anyone unless they deserved it. I grabbed my sack with my clothes and asked, ?Um, do you have anywhere I can change??

She pointed towards a closed door and said, ?Yeah, uh, you can change in the bathroom there?? I walked in and found it to be similar to the water closets back at the castle, which was at least familiar to me.

Reaching into my cloth sack I withdrew my only nightgown that I owned; in contrast to what I would normally wear day to day, this was a pale green color. I carefully slipped out of the dress I had been wearing all day and folded neatly before placing it into the sack. I then dressed myself in the nightgown and walked back out into the primary living space of Marisa?s house.

Marisa herself had just finished setting up the futon; she was dressed in pajamas that resembled a simple shirt and pair of bloomers. It was probably what she normally slept in, so I didn?t say anything, as well she didn?t either. I yawned again as I approached where we were about to sleep; I had little doubt that I would get to sleep quickly this night. Marisa used magic which I was unfamiliar with to snuff out the lights in her house, and we both settled in, the night quickly claiming me.

?How could you??

I felt quite confused. Turning in place, I realized I was back in Pandemonium Castle; I was at the foot of the stairs in the main hall, and at the top of the first flight stood my mother Shinki, goddess and creator of everything in Makai.

?Well, are you going to answer me? How do you explain yourself, running from the castle not just once but twice? And stealing the grimoire out of the library? That book is forbidden for a reason!?

I blinked in surprise; mother was yelling at me for the events of nearly a month ago. I looked down at myself and realized that I was once again in my ten year old form and dressed as I was on the day I left. I looked up and was about to answer when another voice spoke up from behind me.

?You know that wasn?t proper of you to disobey mother. You should have just left everything to us. Now we have to clean up your mess.?

It was Yumeko, head maid of the castle. It was unusual for her to speak against me when mother was around, partially out of respect for her authority, and partially because she looks up to Shinki as a mother herself, as does all of Makai.

Not taking my eyes off of mother, I said, ?I only did what I had to do; all for Makai.?

My defiant attitude apparently didn?t sit well with mother, because she extended her six wings and was down the stairs in an instant. Mother has never actually hit me to discipline me, but then again, I?ve hardly never needed to be disciplined. She gripped my shoulders and shook me vigorously. ?We put these rules in place for a reason, Alice. We?re trying to protect you and keep you safe. You?re the only living human in Makai!?

I no longer had an answer for her. I looked down at my feet and refuse eye contact with her. The next thing I knew, Yumeko was right behind me, grabbing at my arms and saying, ?Alice, why? Why would you forsake your home like this? Why would you break the rules your own mother set forth??

Two new presences appeared on either side of me; I recognized them as the Witch Sisters Yuki and Mai. Yuki was proud of her magic, whereas Mai rarely spoke. They both stepped towards me and grabbed at my hands. Mai had an expression just like the others, as if to wonder at me for something while Yuki said, ?Answer us, sister! Answer us!?

I was surrounded and couldn?t get away even if I actually tried. I still struggled to at least get them to let go, but nothing fazed them. Finally Shinki said, ?Alice, look at me.? I refused, though. She sighed and said, ?Fine, just answer us; why would you do all of this when we told you not to? You disappoint me enough for leaving the castle when Makai is under attack, then you go off and deliberately take the forgotten grimoire, then flee with it when you can?t succeed even with it. Answer me, Alice.? Again, I continue looking away and refuse to say anything.

?Alice!?

?Alice, answer me.? Silence. ?Answer me now.? Nothing. ?ANSWER ME, ALICE!?

?Wake up, Alice!?

I open my eyes very suddenly; it?s dark around me and I?m breathing erratically. Where was this? I was just at the castle and?

No, wait? that?s not right. I was sleeping over at Marisa?s house. We had just gone to bed and?

?Oh, good, you?re awake ze.? Marisa was beside me, sounding relieved to see me awake. ?Sounds like you were having quite the nightmare, all whimpering and clutching at my shirt and all.? I realized that I had indeed grabbed it in my sleep. Blushing profusely, I let go and scooted away a little to give her some room. We lay there in silence for a number of minutes before she finally said, ?So, you gonna talk about it? It might help??

I quietly shuddered at the thought. She was probably right, though. Steeling my nerves as best I could, I started to explain it. ?I was back at the castle in Makai; I looked like I did on the day we fought. Mother and Yumeko were berating me for running off and putting myself in danger, as well as for stealing the grimoire from out of the library. They then started yelling at me for leaving Makai, and demanded answers from me for why. For a second there, I thought my mother was going to hit me?? A single tear fell from my eyes as I recounted it. ?It? only got worse from there; not only was it just mother and Yumeko asking, but Yuki and Mai showed up, too. I was surrounded and they just kept yelling and asking me why??

?Well, why did you leave??

I blinked. Marisa seriously just asked me that question. Then it occurred to me that I needed that question asked, if not by her than by someone that wasn?t mother or any of my ?sisters.? ?I?? I hesitated, questioning whether this friendship I barely had would be affected by what I was about to say; from my impressions of Marisa, she was so confident in all that she did, and if I told her, all I?d be doing was revealing my cowardice? still, she was now expecting an answer. ?I left Makai because I was embarrassed and ashamed that I?d been defeated, even after taking the grimoire out of the castle. I had deliberately disobeyed my own mother and broken one of the foremost rules of the castle. There was no way I could return to face her after all of that.?

Silence reigned while Marisa processed what I had just said. When she did speak, though, she startled me yet again. ?Oh, is that it? Yeah, I?d probably do the same thing in your position. Heck, once I started following Mima, I basically abandoned the village and my parents. Did I ever tell you how Reimu and I met??

It seemed like a really sudden change of topic, such that I couldn?t do anything but answer truthfully. ?Er, no. Never.?

Marisa turned to look out the window, the pale moonlight betraying the look of thoughtfulness to me. ?Well, I?ve wanted to study magic and become a witch since I was a little girl; I would sneak off and read books about basic magic and danmaku and stuff. A little over two years ago, though, I met Mima one night outside of town while I was trying to practice. She stumbled onto me while muttering something about getting revenge on some ?Shrine Maiden.? At the time, I didn?t actually know anything about Reimu or the Hakurei Shrine, so I didn?t know who she was complaining about. She was intrigued at my attempts to perform magic and offered to mentor me; I jumped at the chance. After months of teaching me lower power versions of everything she knew, we started the incident.?

I wrinkled my nose at that last bit. ?Incident? What do you mean??

She smiled while still facing away from me; maybe she didn?t know I could see her expressions? ?Well, usually how it goes is some Youkai or another starts up some trouble, and after it?s all good and resolved it goes and gets called an ?incident.? Mima is an evil spirit, about as Youkai as they come, and extremely powerful. Apparently the Hakurei Shrine had been destroyed sometime in the previous year and Reimu had gone into hell to try to find the culprit; she found Mima, and while Mima denies doing the deed, Reimu still punished her for it. I guess that gave Mima the incentive to escape back into Gensokyo to get her revenge.?

?What kind of revenge??

Marisa giggled. I was slightly taken aback at that, as she didn?t seem the type to giggle. ?She wrecked the shrine.? I stared at her in disbelief. ?Considering Reimu had accused her of doing just that before, she thought it was something like Divine Justice that she should actually destroy it this time. We escaped and waited for her to show up, and show she did. Mima sent me out after her first, and I was so cocky that I thought I could beat her; I hardly lasted five minutes against her and that stupid turtle.? She sighed, though it didn?t sound like a regretful sigh so much as one of simply reliving memories. ?Mima didn?t last too long, either. Reimu punished her again and made her promise not to start any more incidents. Since then, I?ve been following Reimu whenever she went out to resolve anything.?

This was quite enlightening, though I couldn?t figure out why she was telling me this; I couldn?t see the connection to my own situation.

I suppose Marisa sensed my questions somehow, because she addressed that very thing I was thinking about. ?Once I was a full witch, I chose to leave the village; my parents wouldn?t want me around, since they hate magic in general and would have rather had me taking over their store in the village.? She paused for a moment. ?You?ve seen it, right? The ?Kirisame Second-hand Store? in the village?? I nodded, having passed by it many times in my strolls through the village. ?Yeah, my pop owns that place. I visit them during festivals, but otherwise I usually stay out of the village; they?re all a really superstition lot. Magic frightens a lot of them, and they all hate youkai unconditionally??

I couldn?t place it, but it sounded like she didn?t have anything against youkai. ?But aren?t you a youkai exterminator??

She looks over at me almost in confusion. ?Hey, did you forget that my mentor was a youkai? Youkai aren?t bad or evil on principal, but the villagers treat them as all the same. I just hunt down the ones that are causing trouble or are in my way.?

I nodded in understanding; it was certainly a pragmatic way to view things. We lay there in silence once again. I was feeling a little better now and felt I could get to sleep again. Yawning, I said, ?Thank you Marisa.?

She looked at me with that grin of hers and said, ?You?re welcome, ze!? She then paused and said, ?Uh, for what, though??

Now it was my turn to giggle. ?For helping me through my problem; I now know I wasn?t wrong to leave my home?? I couldn?t think of anything else to say. ?Anyways, good night, Marisa.?

?Night, Alice!?

I returned to the village the next day in higher spirits; I now had a friend, something that I never really had back home. Marisa was quite a bit more cheerful and outgoing than most people I?d met in Gensokyo, so spending the last night with her was something else. Miss Keine was happy to see me back, and I was just as happy to return to the children.

Things settled back in, and I had begun to have something of a routine again, only this time I would set the pace of what I did. Over the next weeks, though, something did change; I found Marisa wandering the village on some days. One night I approached her in order to find out what was going on.

?Oh, hey Alice.?

?Hello Marisa. Didn?t you tell me that you don?t come to the village very often? Is something wrong? What?s up??

Maybe I went a little overboard with the questions, but she didn?t seem to be bothered too much by it. ?Well, whenever I hit a snag with my magical research, or the mushrooms are taking too long to boil, I usually go to the shrine to bug Reimu until I get bored or she kicks me out; thing is that for the last week she?s been locked up in the shrine and I haven?t been able to see her.?

?Oh?? I couldn?t think of anything else to really say to that. The sky was darkening; it was the height of Summer in Gensokyo, so this meant it was getting quite late. ?You should probably get going; you don?t want to be caught flying home by yourself in the dark.?

Two more weeks had passed by like this. I was getting restless in the village, having seen the way Marisa lived, and longed for a home of my own. Miss Keine gave me a day off which I used to explore some of the Forest of Magic (as I now knew it was called). I had brought my three dolls with me and had them float around me through my wanderings. Some fairies were about, but none of them bothered me; the reasoning for this I couldn?t figure out.

I found the most amazing clearing about a mile out from Marisa?s house; I had stopped there but found her not actually home, so I moved on. I gazed around the area, imagining what kind of home I would build on the spot. I turned around to regard my dolls when I felt a strange shift in the surrounding magic; my dolls fell out of the air, no longer connected to me for some reason. A voice that I vaguely recognized (though from where?) spoke directly into my mind: ?Youkai of Gensokyo, a new global rule has been instated; the spell card system has been introduced and danmaku is now non-lethal. Conflicts are to be resolved with danmaku and spell card combat. When resolving conflict, you and your opponent will exchange attacks until one gives up or one runs out of a pre-selected number of spell cards. Danmaku patterns are to be beautiful, and spell cards are to contain more complex and more beautiful patterns. Follow these rules or be doomed to be sealed away, youkai.? I puzzled over the strange message while I quickly reestablished my connection to my dolls. I turned back around and gaped at what I saw.

There, exactly where and how I imagined it, was a house. An outsider would call it a Western-style house; it had two floors, and if it was how I actually imagined it, a basement. I walked up to it and opened the door; the inside was furnished how I imagined it, too. It lacked the personal touch that I would have given it, but that will come with time, should I actually live here. I rushed back out of the house and flew straight up above the tree line in time to see Marisa flying at high speeds towards the village. I called out to her to get her attention, and she altered course and flew to me. Once she was closer, I noticed that she appeared different than usual; instead of the purple witch robe that she wore before she was now in a black-white ensemble where the blouse and skirt were black and the undershirt, apron, and ribbons were all white.

?Hey, Alice! Did you feel that? The change in the magic of Gensokyo?? She hovered on her broom and looked incredibly excited for something or another. Did she hear that message, too?

?Yes, it made me lose control of my dolls for a moment? And spawned a house.?

Marisa did a double take at that. I started giggling at her expression, which may have made her think I was telling a joke. I dropped altitude back below the canopy, which made her look down into the clearing; she did another double take.

?Uh? wait, that is a house there! Alice, how did you do that?!? She dropped down to the ground right after me and followed me into the house.

?I actually don?t know? I was imagining this house here before the magic shift and when I turned around, there it was.? I got a little quiet and closed my eyes, coming to a decision on the spot. ?I?m going to move in here. Not that I want to disappoint the children, but it?s time I started taking care of myself for a change.?

Marisa stared at me for a minute before shaking her head and saying, ?Oh yeah, I was going to tell you; Reimu finally left the shrine! She?s been meditating and praying and whatnot for weeks now in order make a global change to all of Gensokyo. She?s introduced a new set of rules for resolving incidents and minor issues: the Spell Card rules!?

This wasn?t news to me, but it sounds like Marisa got the information straight from the horse?s mouth, so to speak. In the interest of not sounding crazy, I decided to simply ask her. ?Spell Card rules? What are those??

Her excitement returned in full force. ?Well, you remember how we slung danmaku at each other in the last incident? Reimu?s gone and changed the way it works so that it?s completely safe to be hit by a danmaku bullet; it?ll just sting like hell for awhile. The idea is that conflict resolution should be beautiful and the danmaku should reflect that. Combatants should take turns creating more and more beautiful and complex patterns in an attempt to take each other out of the fight, and between regular patterns are special named ones called Spell Cards!?

It sounded complicated, but it also sounded much safer than what we had used against each other before. I glanced at my grimoire and realized that it probably wouldn?t follow the rules; I couldn?t use it in combat unless I or anyone else was in serious danger without it. ?How do you make a spell card??

She, what else, grinned in response and said, ?Easy, ze! You take a blank slip of paper and imprint a magical signature on it. The magic of Gensokyo does the rest in actually turning it into a card. Once it?s become an imprinted card, it?s permanent, though according to the rules, when you?re in a duel you can only use a card once.?

I nodded, understanding the basic concept. One thing escaped me, though? ?Okay, and how exactly do you create this imprint??

Well now it was a smirk. ?It's all imagination; you just hold the paper and imagine the pattern you want to base it off of, then feed magic into the paper. Once enough magic is there, bam! Instant spell card!?

Marisa was quite enthusiastic about this new change, and who could blame her? It meant that you could get into fights and duels at just about any time without actually risking your life. We were knocked out of our thoughts by a very loud and angry sounding knocking at the door.

We looked at each other and I at least wondered who could be knocking, considering the house is brand new. I walked over and opened the door, revealing a somewhat rough looking Kappa man. ?Can I help you??

He grunted and said, ?You the owner of this house?? I nodded. ?Well, you just hooked into the pipeline that?s connected to the witch?s house. You?ve gotta pay for that water, or we?re ripping that pipe out and making you pay for the work!?

I was speechless, as I hadn?t actually imagined the house as having running water; the magic apparently hooked it up on its own. ?Um? yes; I will agree to pay whatever is needed. I hadn?t realized it was connected already??

We negotiated a price, and I counted out how much was needed (I had a small amount of wealth by now from doing an odd job here or there around the village for the last couple of weeks). When he left, Marisa said, ?Wow; you even magick?d up running water! It took me ages for them to hook me up after asking for it.?

I decided not to correct her by telling her it wasn?t actually me who caused this house to spring up here. I led Marisa out of the house and locked it with a magical seal that I had recently learned how to create before speeding off to the village; I had to tell Miss Keine I wasn?t going to need her room anymore!

A month had passed in my new home; something about that mental message I had received when the spell card rules had been instantiated was still bothering me. The message had sounded like it was supposed to only go to all of the youkai of Gensokyo? so why could I hear it? I am a human right?

The Summer was winding down; the days were still long, though, which may have explained why early one morning a thick red mist covered almost the whole land at once. Marisa came to check on me to make sure I was alright, and invited me to come help her and Reimu, though I politely declined; the mist fascinated me, as it seemed to contain its own traces of magic which I wanted to experiment on. While Marisa was out of her house, I rummaged through her piles of books and found some pertaining to my interests of magically animated dolls and other assorted magic.

It was at this point that I made a startling discovery? All of a sudden, the last couple of months made sense to me. I had noticed that I didn?t actually seem to need to eat or drink as often as I did before; I still did as usual, but I wasn?t actually getting hungry or thirsty at the same regular intervals. This matched up with something that I read about magic that could transform humans into youkai? If the spell is incomplete, the person becomes something halfway in between; an immature youkai, if you will. I never tried this, but the symptoms matched. Then it hit me: my grimoire! That change, that wonderful and horrible feeling I felt when I first grasped it! It had made me into just that kind of immature youkai that the book described. I knew it was wrong to stay in an incomplete state, so I used the books I had borrowed from Marisa as a reference while I unlocked my grimoire for the first time since that day in Makai?

The book seemed to read my mind, as it automatically flipped to the page I needed. The transformation magic, Shashoku, literally means ?abandoning food.? As I was human before, I couldn?t go completely without before the full transformation, so I studied hard. My magic wasn?t enough by itself, so I gathered some of the mist before it went away and used it as a sort of ?fuel? for the spell. It took hours of concentration to perform it, but by the end of that evening, I was successful.

It was like someone had opened all of my senses, sharpening them to a point never heard of before. I became a creature of magic; possessing a body with all the same functions of any normal human, but no longer needing to do any of the things that most humans required to keep it running. I could absorb the ambient magic around me to keep me going, though a very small part of me knew that I wasn?t going to be able to simply stop the usual habits of my past human life. I was worn out from my progress that day and so locked my grimoire back up and trudged off to my bedroom, not even bothering to change before collapsing on the bed.

I learned from Marisa that the mist incident was entirely the work of a vampire girl named Remilia Scarlet; it seems she wanted to be able to take strolls outside during the day, but couldn?t because the sun sapped her strength too quickly for her to be out for very long. I then learned from Marisa that the Scarlet Devil Mansion contained the most well stocked library in all of Gensokyo. The next time I visited her house, however, I also learned of Marisa?s deep dark secret: she was no better than a common thief when something caught her eye. Several volumes that she didn?t have before appeared in her house, and I learned she had taken them from the SDM without permission. That was the source of our first real argument over anything, as I found it to be crude and tasteless to earn anything by stealing.

?You stole that grimoire from your own castle, didn?t you??

I?m not sure if youkai are supposed to be able to sweat, but I started to at that point. ?Th-that?s beside the point! I was living there at the time and as the daughter of Shinki it was mine to take!?

?Weren?t you specifically told not to touch it??

Damn. She had me there. I didn?t have an answer for her, so I resorted to the best glare I could muster.

?And don?t forget those books on puppetry and magic that you took from me while Reimu and I were punishing Remilia and Flandre.?

That felt like a punch in the gut. She actually noticed they were missing? She hadn?t said anything in weeks! How did she even know they were gone in all that clutter?

She smirked at my automatic responses and said, ?That?s okay, you can keep those; I wasn?t actually going to use them, anyways. They were interesting to read, but since I?m not the expert on making and controlling dolls, you can have them.?

I was slightly irritated by the fact that by letting me keep those, she basically made it so I couldn?t complain about her own penchant for collecting things that belonged to others. I leaned back in my the chair I was occupying at her table and sunk low, taking a gulp of the tea she had made for me.

The early Autumn of Gensokyo was beautiful, and the magic in the air seemed to thicken slightly to accompany it. I was able to perform many more magical experiments than I ever could have in either Makai or the village, and reveled in making new discoveries. My command over my own magic heightened as well, and I could control many dolls at once, as well as have them fire danmaku for me. I crafted many spell cards for their use, and designed many new dolls to help me out.

Each doll was given the name of a foreign city or country. Marisa had introduced me to a friend of hers that ran an antique shop on the outskirts of the Forest of Magic. Rinnosuke, or ?Kourin? as she liked to call him, dealt in items that fell though the Hakurei Border. Many were the items that came in from the outside world, and one that caught my eye was called a ?World Atlas.? It had maps and details of many of the different places on the outside world, and I found it to be truly fascinating. I used the pictures of the different cultures as the basis for the design of my new dolls, and each type of doll was used in a different spell card pattern.

Marisa had come up with many spell cards, as well. Hers weren?t always original, though. As an example, her Master Spark is almost a signature perfect copy of the one Yuuka could do; additionally, the Non-Directional Laser was something she directly stole from Patchouli Knowledge, the resident librarian of the SDM?s Voile Library (thus proving that it?s not just books Marisa is after, there).

We both continued our individual research and occasionally dueled each other in the coming months as we developed new patterns and spell cards. The Winter fell over Gensokyo and brought its own style of beauty; not that Makai didn?t have ice fields, but this was entirely different. I was unaccustomed to the weather patterns, and did my best to stay inside throughout the season. I almost didn?t notice it when Winter failed to end when it was supposed to, and only ventured out in curiosity, and noticed a stream of cherry petals coming from somewhere in the sky?

I had gathered a few of the petals and came to realize that they contained a somewhat otherworldly power to them. If I had to describe it, it would be called? Spring. Yes, these cherry petals contained the warmth of Spring within them, and might just explain why it was still Winter in Gensokyo.

My theories proved true when two incident solvers and a maid that I didn?t recognize started passing through the forest; not having had the chance to get a rematch with Reimu since ?that time? I decided to stand in their way. I hadn?t told anybody of my being a youkai yet, so I didn?t fear doing this to them. They had slowed down to reflect on where they should probably be going when I decided to interject?

?I feel like I?m just wasting my time here?? the maid had said. ?I wonder how the mistress is doing??

I popped up in front of them; yes, this was my opportunity. ?Why don?t you worry about yourself if you have time to worry about others??

She looked at me with a very precisely blank expression. ?Oh yes, I?m worried about myself now.?

Smirking inwardly I said, ?So, for what reason do you worry? About yourself.?

?Because I?m carrying only three changes of clothes.? She tilted her head slightly. ?For myself.?

I nodded. ?Ah, good reason.?

?That, and a spare set of knives, too.?

?Ah, I? KNIVES?? I shuddered for a moment before turning my attention to the red-white; she looked quite different from before, but I knew it was Reimu. ?Long time no see.?

Reimu looked confused; I suppose that was to be expected. ?We?ve only just met.?

I shook my head. ?No, that?s not what I meant.?

?Am I supposed to remember??

This was getting out of hand. ?Don?t you remember me?? She shook her head; expected. ?Well, either way is fine.?

I turned to face Marisa; she held her hands out and shook her head, backing away. We already know each others? spell cards, so I guess this is for the best. The maid turned to Reimu and said, ?She seems to know you; I think I?ll let you handle it.? She too backed away and floated next to Marisa.

The duel was on. We matched patterns for patterns and spell cards for spell cards, though being as busy as I was controlling my dolls, I didn?t dodge and graze as well as she did. I wouldn?t necessarily call it holding back, but I certainly didn?t use all of the strength I could have. Throughout the fight I could see Marisa and the maid having a conversation, but about what, I couldn?t say.

The fight was intense, but in the end my spells were broken. I barely had the magic left to keep afloat and animate a single Shanghai doll. The maid flew up to us and demanded, ?Alright, spill it. Who?s behind this whole affair??

A small part of me wanted to point her in the direction of Reimu?s shrine, but that would have been pointless. I cut to the chase. ?Haven?t you noticed the Spring follows you as you gather cherry petals??

She looked up in the direction of the falling petals. ??I bet it?s upwind then.?

She started slowly floating away a little. ?I haven?t said my point yet??

Marisa flew up to us grinning wildly; she?s just as excitable as ever. ?Have Winters always been this busy? Humans usually stay indoors.?

I smirked at what she said, thinking about my own condition. ?You mustn?t consider me a normal human.?

I could see the humor in her eyes. ?Are you a weird human, then??

Oh that does it. I probably should have restrained myself, but I couldn?t help but blurt it out. ?I?m normal, just not human!? I covered my mouth after saying that, realizing just what it sounded like that I said.

Marisa?s grin disappeared and the other two floated around with casual (dis)interest. ?Wait, what? What do you mean, you aren?t human??

I knew I couldn?t deny it; there was basically no opening to play it off as a joke, and either way, Marisa wouldn?t fall for it. A tear I wasn?t intending on trickled down my cheek. ?I mean? I?m a youkai??

I don?t know why, because it wasn?t like me at all; did I simply fear for my life? After all, Reimu and Marisa were professional youkai exterminators, and while I didn?t cause the incident I still got in their way?

?So? Is that all you?re worried about?? I looked up and was startled to see her grinning like a mad man. No, not startled at the mad man part, as I already knew she was at least partly insane, but the grin certainly took me by surprise. ?You?re worried because you got in our way, and now you think you?re about to be killed or sealed or something.?

I stared at her in mild shock; was this girl a satori or something? I nodded slowly and heard a pair of exasperated sighs from above me. The maid appeared bored while Reimu floated down to join the conversation. ?You idiot; outside of the useless fairies that resurrect minutes after being killed, do you know how many youkai I?ve actually sealed away? None.?

I was surprised, to say the least, but then I remembered something that Marisa had told me about their adventure to the Scarlet Devil Mansion: Remilia Scarlet occasionally stops by the Hakurei Shrine to have tea with Reimu. Considering she actually instigated the Scarlet Mist Incident, to be casually drinking tea with a former enemy was kind of strange.

?Same for me, ze!? I actually jumped when she spoke to me. ?Remember Yuuka? Before we came to Makai and met you, we both chased down Yuuka, for different reasons of course.? And now was the somewhat creepy moment? a genuine smile graced her face. ?And don?t forget when we raided Makai; each and every youkai and demon that stood in our way lived to tell about it.?

Ugh. She?s right again. And now I?ve made myself look like a weak fool in front of them. I sighed. ?Okay, I?m done now. You guys go on and rescue Spring, or whatever you?re doing. I?m going to go work on my spell cards?? Bowing to the three of them, I floated on down to my house. I figure I?ll hear about the end of this from Marisa once it?s all over; though maybe I should try getting out more often?

Well, that's it. I appreciate whatever advice I can get; let me know if you want a link to where I already have it posted, in case you are curious to read the "Explanation" chapter I wrote up to elaborate on my mindset when working on this. Thank you in advance.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 28, 2011, 09:26:21 PM: The last weekend before the deadline! For all you procrastinators, now is the time to begin.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on January 28, 2011, 10:06:31 PM: Quote from: IcedFairy on January 28, 2011, 09:26:21 PM
The last weekend before the deadline! For all you procrastinators, now is the time to begin.

I ~~WILL~~ WANT TO WRITE A MASTER PIECE!!!

Edit: MaxKnight, I like how you incorporated the actual games and dialogue into your story. A bit long but you already state that it was going to be. Would have liked more of a background on Makai though. About the First Person writing: It felt like Alice was whining about everything. The story probably had no whining from Alice other then the beginning about humiliation, but throughout the entire story, to me it felt like it was a little kid telling her parents that someone bullied her. One thing I will say is that the story is great considering it was the first time you wrote First Person seriously. Props for that.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on January 28, 2011, 10:08:17 PM: Quote from: IcedFairy on January 28, 2011, 09:26:21 PM
The last weekend before the deadline! For all you procrastinators, now is the time to begin.
Good thing I'm halfway done typing my story. I hope it's at least decent...

Edit: Crap, I realized that I think I just made a Mary Sue, but I don't know...
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on January 29, 2011, 09:29:39 AM: I wonder... it says I can tweak the subjects a little, could I change the friend one into "two teachers meet"? If so I could throw the latest chapter of my urban touhou fic here. Alternatively could I tweak said chapter so it fits the criteria and add a short summary at the start of the chapter?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 29, 2011, 04:06:18 PM: So long as the story segment stands as a good peice of writing by itself it's fine. Don't worry about the fine details of the subject suggestions. Just make the story iteself understandable solo.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on January 29, 2011, 04:39:05 PM: Alright here we go. this is a slightly modified version of chapers 2 and 3 of my "urban touhou story" enjoy.

(some prestory, gensoukan high is a school that integrates everything from grade school to college, keine is a teacher in the high school part, Marisa and Koishi are students in her history class)

Something that was unique about Gensoukan high was its teachers. Like the earlier mentioned Ran Yakumo, several teachers that worked at the school were former students that had started a career as teachers. An exception to this was Satori Komeiji who had studied at the Chirei Academy before joining the ranks of the Gensoukan teachers. She taught psychology at the college part of the school and had an amazing ability to ?read? people. Not only was she extremely skilled at telling the mood of whomever she was talking to, she sometimes seemed like she knew exactly what the subject was thinking. However she was also slightly superstitious, always wearing a brooch with an eye motif as a lucky charm, she was also rather? on the small side.

She wasn?t just short; her entire body, proportions included, seemed like it belonged to someone who you?d expect were going to grade school, not someone who?d graduated and worked as a teacher at college level. The oddness of practically being an adult in a child?s body combined with her inability to keep quiet about her constant personal analyses (imagine someone giving you an update on exactly how you feel every few minutes or so) meant she wasn?t the most pleasant person to be around and consequently she weren?t really the students favorite either.

That?s not to say she was universally disliked, she carried some respect among the teachers for how well she managed the students despite the aforementioned problems, she also knew some of the students by their first names (that is more than the name on the class list). One of these students was Utsuho ?Okuu? Reiuji, a girl majoring in physics that might at first impression seem a bit dimwitted but had an amazing ability to learn if she put her mind into it.

Another student she got along well with was Okuu?s friend Rin ?Orin? Kaenbyou (the nickname was something Rin had come up with herself because she thought her last name was too long). Orin was a bit? odd for lack of better words, she seemed to have this fascination with death that Satori couldn?t seem to find a reason for, she also had her own streak of superstition believing firmly that cats brought her luck. These two traits had earned her the nickname of ?kasha? among the students, after the mythological cat youkai that steals corpses. Orin didn?t seem to mind the nickname and if she weren?t bothered by it Satori wouldn?t try to stop it, her own given name had earned her a few jabs of her own and she was glad the student didn?t let it get to her.

Currently however, nicknames were the last thing on Satori?s mind, the matter at hand was also a bit closer to home than student nicknames. She was thinking about her younger sister Koishi Komeiji. There was a big age difference between them (Koishi had just started her first year in High School) yet they looked fairly similar, the biggest difference being their hair color. Koishi was also a bit more? normal when it came to body size, fitting in quite well visually with the other high schoolers.

However she didn?t fit in quite as well socially, it wasn?t like she was pushed away by the other students? she just didn?t seem to care. When they were younger, before Koishi began school and Satori?s size was somewhat matching up to her age, Koishi had shown signs of being just as good at reading people as Satori was. However one day she had just stopped with anything of the sort, Satori didn?t know what had happened but she?d suddenly become reclusive, shut off from others, even Satori had problems telling what she was thinking.

When she started school no change seemed to occur, she didn?t seem to connect with any of the other kids and she started sort of? drifting about, it was hard to describe what she did but if she didn?t want you to know she was there she just wasn?t there, she became invisible in plain sight. Satori had a theory that she literally acted like she wasn?t there and people simply didn?t acknowledge her, but that didn?t really matter right now.

What Satori was thinking about was something Koishi had said the other day a few days after the school start. They were both in the living room of their house, Satori reading a book and Koishi just lazing about. Koishi spoke first
-   Hey nee-chan~
-   Yes Koishi, what is it?
Koishi initiating a conversation alone was noteworthy but even more so was her tone, it sounded cheerful.
-   Today at school?
-   Hmm?
-   I?ve met someone that seems reeeally interesting.
This was even more out of character, Satori had tried introducing Koishi to new people on occasion, she had gotten along fairly well with Orin and Okuu the first time they met, but she?d never taken interest in someone on her own accord before. Satori put away her book.
-   Oh really who is it?
-   It?s this girl that?s in my history class? her name is Marisa
-   That?s Keine sensei?s class isn?t it?
-   Yeah? I really wanna know more about her.
Then she went back to lazing about on the couch, leaving Satori to her thoughts.

Satori felt like she had heard the name Marisa before but she couldn?t remember when, she figured she could ask Keine about it after school today, if Koishi had taken an interest in her there had to be something special about her.

With these thoughts still swirling around in her head the childish looking teacher headed off towards the cafeteria, only to be blocked at a door because two students had gotten stuck and were currently in the process of getting pulled out by the gym teacher, accompanied by quite a bit of cursing from the teacher and some cheering by the spectators. After the door was unblocked and the students were being scolded by the teacher Satori headed on without paying it any more mind.

Satori had been sitting by herself at a cafeteria table for some time before she?s decided what she would do. She then snatched up her cellphone from a pocket in her light-blue blouse and found Keine?s number. Three signals went through before she picked up.
-   Hello? Kamishirasawa here.
-   Hello this is Komeiji Satori psychology teacher at Gensoukan, college section.
-   Ah, it?s been a while, how can I be of assistance?
-   I?d like to talk with you about two of your students, is there anywhere we can meet?
-   I?m currently having lunch with my trainee at a restaurant nearby, the Sparrow?s; do you know where it is?
-   I?ll be there in five minutes
She hung up without further pleasantries and headed towards the restaurant at an uncharacteristically brisk pace.

Mokou, trainee at Gensoukan was in the middle of a discussion with her responsible teacher about a subject that will go unspecified for the time being when said teacher?s phone rang. Keine picked up the phone and checked the number? then a thoughtful expression spread across her face.
-   Who is it?
Mokou leaned forward to see the screen.
-   No one you know.
Keine answered the call.
-   Hello? Kamishirasawa here.
Mokou couldn?t stifle a grin when she heard her teacher?s name, it was such a mouthful. Keine was silent as the caller introduced herself.
-   Ah, it?s been a while, how can I be of assistance?
More silence.
-   I?m currently having lunch with my trainee at a restaurant nearby, the Sparrow?s; do you know where it is? ? Alright good b?
Seems the caller had hung up on her, Keine furrowed her brow.
-   So, who?s joining us? Mokou asked while weighing on her chair.
-   It?s Komeiji Satori, psychology teacher at the school.
-   You looked thoughtful when you saw the number, something I should know about her?
-   You?ve never heard anything about her during your time here?
-   Not that I can remember, should I?ve?
-   Probably not, just thought I?d check.
Keine put her elbow at the table and rested her chin in her hand.
-   You could say Komeiji is a bit infamous at the school, for two reasons.
Mokou leaned forward as well.
-   Firstly, she doesn?t look completely normal, something I guess you can relate too.
The last part was said with an understanding look at Mokou? or rather her head, with its long white hair, pale skin and red eyes, the signs of an albino.
-   Second, she has an ability to ?read? those she?s talking to. And not just how they feel either, sometimes it seems like she knows what her subjects are thinking.
-   Aha, I can see how that starts rumors.
-   Exactly. The problem is that she doesn?t seem to be able to keep quiet about what she picks up? not everyone enjoys having their thoughts broadcasted to anyone who?s listening.
-   Understandably enough? you said she looked different, how exactly?
-   You?ll see when she arrives.
It turned out that Mokou did not have to wait long, the next person who entered the sparrow was what looked like a little girl, no older than thirteen or fourteen years, with a pink skirt, blue blouse, yellow headband and pink hair (her hair was not too unusual, there were all sorts of hair colors around here). Mokou had not given her a second glance if Keine had not beckoned her over to the table and she?d not introduced herself as Professor Komeiji Satori from Gensoukan, college division.

Satori walked at a brisk pace and arrived at the Sparrow?s in three minutes with slightly elevated pulse. After entering it was no hard task to spot Keine and who she assumed was her trainee (Mokou if she remembered correctly), one with blue highlights in her hair and an odd square hat that looked like a pagoda, the other completely white with several bows in her hair. She headed over to their table and sat down, giving each of them a glance, a glance that collected a lot more information than it seemed.

Satori turned to Mokou first:
-   I see Keine has told you a bit about me? though I?m not quite what you expected. Still I guess its common courtesy to introduce oneself, Komeiji Satori, psychology teacher at Gensoukan college division.
She extended her arm to Mokou who, after some initial confusion, took it and introduced herself in turn.
-   Ah, err? M-Mokou, Fujiwara no Mokou, nice to meet you.
She seemed moderately shocked at meeting someone who looked like a grade-schooler but acted and sounded like a grown woman.
-   Pleasure to meet you too Mokou-san. You seem a bit shocked, don?t worry I?m used to it; stare as much as you want.
With those words the little psychology teacher turned to her colleague.
-   And you?re still impressed by how well I handle people and wonder why I called and asked to come and interrupt your cozy lunchtime.
-   I wouldn?t say ?cozy? but otherwise you?re correct. (this was what she meant with her being unable to keep quiet)
-   What can you tell me about a student in your class by the name of Kirisame Marisa?
-   I don?t think there?s much to say, she?s energetic and I?ve heard she does well in other classes? she just doesn?t seem interested in history.
-   Anything special about her social life?
-   She?s rather popular, got a bunch of girls she usually hangs out with and a couple of admirers.
-   Have you ever seen her talk to Koishi?
-   Your sister? Not what I can remember, she?s normally so unnoticeable I?ve started double checking during class that she?s still there.
-   Hmm, that?s something to work with, not much, but something.
Satori seemed to be talking to herself more than anyone else. Suddenly she rose as if to leave but first she turned to Keine and gave a small bow.
-   Thanks for the information; I?ll see if I can find anything about Miss Kirisame that might help me shake some more life into Koishi.
She turned to leave but threw a last glance at the duo.
-   One of you is going to have to take the first step unless you want to be on the same stage forever, just a tip.
She then left the Sparrow?s restaurant, now containing a furiously blushing history teacher and her trainee who was in the same state.
-   You were right about one thing. Mokou said. She really can?t keep quiet.
Keine simply nodded and stared at the table.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on January 29, 2011, 11:54:47 PM: Alright! I think I got it finished! I hope this is good, or not too short...
All her life, she lived at the Hijiri temple. She never had any real friends, except for Byakuren Hijiri, who was in charge of the temple. She had to be close to a ghost who could have been the same person who sealed her up many years ago. Her name... is Nue Houjuu.

Somewhere else, a relatively weak, black-haired, blue-eyed, purple dressed youkai's house was burned down during the recent events of the last incident. The youkai searched for a long time for a new home, until she ended up at the same Hijiri temple. She was a bit tired, so she went inside, found a box, and slept in it. The next morning, Byakuren found her sleeping and woke her up.

"Oh, who do we have here," she questioned. The youkai was still tired from the sudden wake-up call. "My name's Seidenki, unn..." the youkai responded. "Hello, Seidenkiunn, I'm Byakuren, the priestess of this temple. I had a dream to join all humans and youkai together in harmony. Why, I could remember the time when..." Seidenki drifted off from focusing on Byakuren to focusing on Nue. "Umm, who's that girl?"

"Ah, that is Nue Houjuu," Byakuren answered. "She doesn't talk much, but-- ah?"

Seidenki was found talking to Nue. "Hi, I'm Seidenki. Do you live here?"

Nue was hesitant in answering. "Um, yeah. Why?"

"Do you spend your time here every day?"
"Yeah, I live here."
"What about outside?"
"No, I just scare the humans in the Human Village."
"Are you busy right now?"
"Well, I was just going to check up on everybody here."

"Oh," Seidenki said disappointed. "Well then, I guess I should go find a new home then. Bye, Byakuren. See you later, Nue."

Nue felt something strange inside her. Could it be that Seidenki offered to be friends? She wasn't sure exactly, but it had something to do with her. After feeling this, she decided to follow her.

On the way to search for a new home, Seidenki was attacked by a bunch of fairies, like those in the end of the extra stages. She swerved, using all of her strength, and was hit a lot, losing a few lives. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a voice shouted.

"Nightmare in Heiankyou!"

Lasers appeared in a grid fashion, with a bullet cluster sliding down each gap between the grids, and at certain points the lasers formed into more bullets, giving access to other lanes. It gave the fairies too much trouble that they gave up. Nue turned around to see Seidenki lying on the ground. She rushed to her side to see if she was alright.

"Hey," Nue asked, "are you okay?" Seidenki woke up slowly again for the second time today. "Hmm? What happened?"

Nue looked in the direction that the fairies were escaping in. "Those fairies were too strong for you. I saw them attacking you, so I tried to save you." Seidenki was very thankful for it and said, "thank you, but I don't know how I should repay you."

Nue shook her head. "You don't need to." She pulled out some blank spell cards from her hidden dress pocket and gave them to Seidenki. "Here are some spell cards for you to use. I secretly snatched them from Reimu's shrine. You do have a power, do you?" Seidenki was trying to remember what her power was exactly. "Umm, I think I could do some magic. Why?"

"Spell cards work with the powers that people can use," Nue responded. "For instance, I can hide my true form, so my spells associate with mystery. Since you can use magic, you can associate them with magic."

"Alright," Seidenki responded, "but I should be looking for a new home now." Nue grabbed her by the arm and ran with her back to the Human Village. "Really? Then come on, I know a very good house for sale near the temple! It just appeared for sale! Don't worry, Byakuren could pay for it since she gets donations and uses them for charities, and I could visit every day!"

Seidenki smiled very widely with excitement. Once the two got to the Village, they asked Byakuren to buy the house a few blocks down. Byakuren agreed, and now Seidenki lives there happily. Nue visits her a lot to play, help her organize her house, chat, and helps protect her house. Sometimes, they go out to see what happens around Gensokyo when the shrine maiden and black-and-white witch go out to solve incidents. The two became great friends as time passed, and they have become like sisters.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few weeks later, they were designing Seidenki's spell cards. This took a long time to figure out how the bullets went down. While they were designing them, the fairies from last time appeared. "Heh, you beat us last time," one fairy said, "but we're gonna win this time! We figured out that Heiankyou spell pretty quick, and we will beat you!"

"Stand back, I got this," Nue exclaimed. Suddenly, the whole house became a battlefield; no walls, just a red background with strange paintings. Bullets flew everywhere, Heian Dark Clouds* was used, and Nue had some trouble as she was hit.

"Nue!!"

It was Seidenki screaming. Suddenly, she flew way up close, pulled out a spell card, and activated it in a panic.

"Magic Sign [Shooting Star's End Course]!!"

She was in a hurry, so she really didn't pay attention to what spell she was using. She fired water bullets that move in a wing fashion while sea green ones rained down slowly from her instead of star bullets randomly blasting from flying familiars. Seidenki's eyes widened with confusion and double-checked the spell card she declared. It turned out to be her water spell called Water Magic Sign [River Dragon's Rain]. "Oh, whoopsie."

The fairies gave up yet again seeing how they didn't see the safespot behind her and a different one yelled, "we'll be back, and you won't be so lucky next time!!"

"Hey, Nue," Seidenki called. "You okay this time?"

Nue came back up and said, "What the...? Did they just boost up to Phantasm diffi--"

"Shh, don't break the 4th wall." Seidenki interrupted.

Seidenki gave Nue a first-aid kit and said, "that was fun teaming up! We should do that more often!" Nue gave an unsure look. "I don't know; I mean, it is kinda dangerous..."

"Don't worry," Seidenki said, "even if one of us gets in trouble, we got the other one to help! Besides, a weak youkai who was boosted up to stage 3 level like me, and an extra stage boss like you teaming up? Now that's gotta be difficult to beat. We might even be able to last more that 30 seconds with Reimu!"

As Nue heard that short speech, the both of them laughed of joy.

So, what do you think? I think I did a good job with this, which was exactly what I was aiming for: decent! Of course, this was a self-judgment, so I can't help but think that there's so many errors orit's not very good... or I made a Mary Sue... :ohdear:

Oh yeah, and as a side note*: Heian Dark Clouds or Peaceful Dark Clouds, either one would work. I just call it Heian.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: BlackAlice on January 30, 2011, 03:47:24 PM: At last I finished my story! I don't know if my story true or not, my English is so bad after all. This story is postponed by me for a while before because I write Grand Chase fanfic too. Many people wants me to continue and continue. Well... I can't turn it down. Enjoy btw! ^^

The (Un)usual Day For Marisa

Spring has come in Gensokyo earlier than usual. The spring fairy, Lily White flying happily all around Gensokyo. Shouting and spreading Danmaku Bullet from her sleeves.

?IT?S.... SPRINGGG~!!!?

The fairy flying pass Hakurei Shrine and spreading the Danmaku Bullet around there too. Meanwhile, a shrine maiden open the shrine?s sliding door lazily. Lily White?s Danmaku nearly hit her on the foot.

?Hey! Brainless Fairy!! Don?t spread your Danmaku in my shrine! It?s dangerous you know!!!? The Shrine Maiden scold the fairy, but doesn?t have any intention to punish her.

Lily stop her flying and panickly apologize to the shrine maiden who still standing in front of the sliding door, emotionless.

?Eeeekkkkk! I... I?m sorry Reimu-san! I just... too happy that the spring has come.... Sorry and excuse me!!?

Reimu staring at the white fairy that make a quick escape after apologized to her until she disappear from her sight.

*sigh* ?Why is she run away? Am I that scary? Ahhh... forget it!?

The red-white shrine maiden walk into the store room, picking up her broom to sweep the shrine?s courtyard.

Arriving there, Reimu spotted someone praying in front of the shrine?s offertory box. She dropped her broom and quickly approach the prayer.

?Thank you for visiting our shrine!?

The black haired shrine maiden bow slightly to that prayer. The person notice Reimu and turn to her. Looking to the mysterious person, Reimu take a few minutes until she finally know who that person is.

?You?re..?

A few hours later in the Forest of Magic...

A black-white witch holding a bamboo broom in her hands, waiting for someone in front of her house.

?Where on Gensokyo does that doll maniac go? I?ve been waited for such a long time?

Suddenly, a blonde haired girl appear near the witch, together with her doll which is also blonde haired.

?Who are you calling doll maniac, Marisa! You sneaky thief!!? The blonde girl shout to Marisa, make the black-white witch jump a bit.

?Whoa! Sorry Alice, but you really take a lot of time. We just want to go for shopping right? ?

?Oh that... ummm.... well.... sorry about that, but I think we?ll go shopping some other time. I have to prepare for something now...?

?Awwww... just what are you preparing??

?N.. not your business! Anyway, I must get going now. Bye!!? Alice walking away quickly, leaving the now confused witch.

?What?s wrong with her? Geez... Maybe I go borrowing some book from Patchy for now-ze~?

Marisa ride on her broom to Scarlet Devil Mansion, but something feels weird there.

?Hmm? Is this lake always this quiet? Where is that stupid ice fairy and her friend??

The witch flying around the Misty Lake to look for the fairies, but doesn?t find them. She?s not seeing the common fairies too.

?I guess they are playing with the cockroach and that noisy bird. More importantly... book I?m coming-ze~?

Grinning, she launch her bamboo broom to the mansion in the middle of the lake. Her broom keep getting faster and faster, it aims to one of the mansion?s window that lead to the library.

?WOHOOO!! I?M THE FASTEST IN GENSOKY-?

DUAGHHHH!!!!!!!

Other than crash into the window, Marisa hit an invincible wall and fall to the ground, together with her broom. Meiling who (miraculously) still awake see the event, burst out laughing.

?What the..ze~ That really hurt. What the hell is that??

?That?s a magic wall created by Lady Patchouli for you? The green gate guard walking approach Marisa while still laughing a bit.

?Patchy? Does she get serious to prevent me stea- I mean borrowing her books?? The black-white get up and dusting her dirty clothes.

?Hmmm~ Who knows~ Just go home okay~ I want to do my job now?

As Meiling turn around, Marisa point her mini Hakkero to her.

LOVE SIGN! MASTER SPARKKKKK!!!!

Huge beam of light deep fried the poor gate guard instantly.

?That?s what you get for pissing me off-ze~ Maybe the gate isn?t affected by the magic wall...?

HOLD IT!!!

The witch freeze in her place because there is a knife grazing her left cheek and cut a bit of her blonde hair.

?Stay in your place or I?ll make sure the next knife will stab right into your head!!?

The blonde witch slowly turn around and become face to face with the Scarlet Devil Mansion?s head maid.

?Sa..Sa...Sakuya...go..good day-ze~? Marisa grinned but sweat a lot, trembling.

?Yes, good day. Now, please go home right away. I still have many chores to do? Sakuya coldly reply.

?Eeehh? But I still not yet to do my usual routine. Now, if you excuse me...?

?What a rude attitude you have there Marisa...? A vampire girl wear a pink gown, landing beside Sakuya while shading herself with a small pink parasol.

?Mistress... You don?t need to handle this...? The head maid put down her knife.

?I must handle this stubborn witch myself, you can?t fully handle her Master Spark right??

?W..Well..., you?re right mistress...? The silver haired maid wants to object her mistress, but receive a sharp glare from her.

?So... this ?Mistress Remilia? can stop my Master Spark-ze~? said Marisa mockingly while pointing her mini Hakkero to Remilia and Sakuya.

?You can try if you want~, but after you defeat me and enter my mansion... You?ll be welcomed by my sister~? Remilia smile devilishly.

?What the... You free that psychopathic girl? Zeezzzz....? The witch put down her mini Hakkero.

?If you understand, now... GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! OHOHOHOHO!!!!? The vampire laughed menacingly like she just successfully killing her biggest enemy.

?Mistress... the charisma....?

?Oh! Ahem... Just go home for now okay?? Said the little vampire with a cute, childish voice.

?Right, right. I pull back for now, but tomorrow I?ll come again?

Marisa fly back to Forest of Magic.

?Tomorrow eh? You won?t be able to go here again Marisa...? Remilia said while grinning.

?Arrrghhhh!!! This really pissing me off! Everyone is acting so strange. Maybe I?ll talk about this with Nitori, she seems more entertaining?

The black-white witch once again fasting her broom, going to the Youkai Mountain.

?Nitoriiii!!! I come to play-ze~?

Marisa shouted near a waterfall in Youkai Mountain. No answer.

?Hey~ Do you hear me??? Still no answer.

?She?s busy I think. Hmm?? The witch spotted a book lie alone on the ground near her.

She picked up the book and read the cover.

?Magic Song. I never heard about something like that. Let see...?

When she opened the book, Marisa only see one sentence.

?Marisa Stole the Precious Things?

The book glowed dangerously after that.

?Oh shi-?

BOOOOOOMMMMM!!! The so-called-Magic Song book is explode.

?Zeeeee!!!!~? Marisa sent back flying to Forest of Magic.

?The hell is this! Why is everyone threat me like that!!? Said the star witch while getting up from the bushes she landed on.

?This must be an incident, I must tell Reimu right away!?

The Hakurei Shrine is very silent. No Oni sleeping on the roof, no shrine maiden drinking tea at the terrace.

?Weird... Where did they go??

DAGHHH!!! Someone hit Marisa?s back neck, making her fainted.

?That was close...?

?Is this okay to make her like this, Reimu??

The Hakurei Miko poke Marisa?s face to check if she pretend to unconscious or not, ?Don?t worry about that, Youmu. Just bring her to her house, we?re still busy preparing for tomorrow?s event. You sure she won?t wake up in a short time right??

?Yes, she?ll wake up tomorrow morning. Don?t worry? The swordsman lift Marisa unconscious body.

?I leave the rest to you then...?

Morning come again in Gensokyo.

Marisa wake up on her bed, touch her aching back neck.

?Why am I here? Someone knocked me out at the shrine.... Is some Youkai take over the shrine? Reimu must be in dangerous.... REIMUUUU!!!? The witch picked up her bamboo broom quickly and ride it at the the top speed to the Hakurei Shrine.

?Come out you evil Youkai! Release my friend right away or I?ll make you taste my Master Spark!!?

The Shrine still silent, ignoring Marisa?s threat.

?Ignoring me eh? Then I?ll....?

SURPRISEEEEEE!!!!

Reimu and another familiar Youkai appeared from the back shrine and rush immediately to the witch.

?Eh? What?? Marisa confused looking at their actions.

?Today is your birthday idiot! Don?t tell me you?re forget about it? Reimu smack the confused witch head.

?Owww~ Sorry~, but how did you know about it? I never tell anyone about my birthday..?

?Find out about that yourself. You know the person better than any of us? The shrine maiden smiled.

?Hmmm.... okaysss~ Now... thanks everyone.. I?m really happy with this...? The black-white witch blushed and cover her face with her big pointed hat.

?Now, now... don?t mention about it.... Let?s enjoy the party now okay?? Yukari appeared from a gap near Reimu.

?Yup! LET?S PARTY EVERYONE!!!?

OOOOOOO!!!!! The crowd cheer excitingly.

?What a good day isn?t it?? Hieda no Akyu sitting on her house terrace with a man.

?Yes...? Reply the man while looking at the sky.

?You really don?t have a good sense of humor to do that to Marisa?

?Maybe..., but I bet she doesn?t want to see me again..? Said the mysterious man with a sad tone.

?Who says that to you? You don?t even talk to me?

The room? s sliding door is opened and revealing a black-white witch with a big black pointed hat.

?Ma...Marisa..! Shouldn?t you at the shrine? Why did you come here?? The white haired man startled.

?Reimu told me to find out myself who tells everyone about my birthday. Kourin doesn?t do it, so you?re the only one who knows about it, dad...?

?I see..., sorry Marisa... I thought that you wouldn?t be happy if I?m the one who arrange the party, so I-?

Marisa walk to her father and hugged him. He hesitate for a moment but hug her back.

?Don?t worry about that, dad. Thank you for doing this for me...? The tomboyish witch can?t help but cry a bit in her dad chest.

Hieda just smiled, looking at the happy moment of father and daughter in front of her.

END

Okay~ This is my real Touhou fanfic I've ever write. Sorry if it's so bad =_=
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on January 31, 2011, 08:00:04 AM: 24 hours left to go! To those of you who beat the deadline, you can still get in last minute edits. To the rest, good luck!
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 01, 2011, 12:42:24 AM: Can I still enter something? I was gonna post this as it's own topic but then I remembered about this contest....
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on February 01, 2011, 12:44:24 AM: Quote from: Robotic Doll.S on February 01, 2011, 12:42:24 AM
Can I still enter something? I was gonna post this as it's own topic but then I remembered about this contest....

it's not feb. 1 yet, so yes you can go right ahead and enter
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 01, 2011, 01:35:09 AM: Okay, this is just short chapter. I'm not expecting to win with this but I hope it's good.

Anyway here it it:

Cirno and the small human-ish thing (Working title)

Chapter 1.

Poke poke. Wriggle. Poke poke. Wriggle.

"Hey Dai, what is this thing?"

"Don't call me that Cirno, I'm not big"

Poke poke. Wiggle. Poke poke. Wriggle.

"But Dai's Dai, anyway, what is this?" Cirno said, poking the wrapped bundle some more. Wriggle. Before holding it up for Dai to see.

Sigh "I don't know Cirno, it looks like a human but it's too small, where did you find it anyway?" Said 'Dai', observing the thing in the bundle. It didn't really look like any human

she ever seen, It was too small to be human and it's head looked so wrong on the body. It was kinda cute though. It also seems to be sleeping.

"I found it in the forest with a youkai saying something about 'Loophole in the rule' or something, he was annoying so I froze him solid" Really, the youkai wasn't really that

annoying at all, she just wanted an excuse to test her freezing power on something bigger then that big frog. She would have froze this thing too but curiosity got the better of her.

Poke. Wriggle.

"Hmm, well, could it be a youkai then?" There are all different types of human-ish youkai out there, she doesn't know them all but she knows, since she's a smart fairy, like Cirno.

"Maybe..." Cirno never really thought about that as she's seen all types of youkai in her life and this thing never really jogged her memory. Not that she remembers specifically

what the youkai were, it's just it doesn't look familiar too her. "I know! I should ask Letty, She knows a lot of human and youkai things, so maybe she will know what this thing is!"

Poke. Wriggle.

With that said, Cirno flies off in the direction of the forest but not before saying her bye to her friend. "See ya Dai!"

"I'm not big!"

____________________________________________________________________________________

"So Letty what is this thing?" Cirno asked, holding the bundle up for Letty to see. It was late autumn so Letty wasn't too deep into her sleep, so a bit of banging on her door woke her right up! She was grumpy and whacked Cirno in the head after opening her door but all was well as Cirno has a thick head.

Rubbing the sleep form her eyes, Letty took a look at the thing Cirno was holding up and blinked.

"Cirno, where did you get this baby form?"

"Baby?"

Putting her face into her hand, Letty sighed some. While Cirno knows a lot of things (for a fairy) in the matter of youkai and some animals, she knew so little about humans as she never really bothered them.

"A baby is a human...how do I explain it you in a way you'll understand....tadpole! A baby is a human tadpole that grows into a human child then a human adult" Explained Letty, knowing about Cirno's strange fascination with frogs.

"Ohhhh..." Said Cirno in wonder. She seen tadpoles always near the where the frogs where and decided to observe them one day to find out what they where. When she saw them grow into frogs she asked Letty about it and learned they that's how animals are born. She never knew humans were also born this way!

"Where did you find it Cirno?" While finding Cirno annoying at time, she doesn't want a hunting party formed out for Cirno's blood if Cirno happened stole one of the humans baby. While Cirno can't die, she would most likely be driven away and it be kinda...boring without her around in the winter.

"I found it near a youkai after I froze him solid!"

Letty just sighed some more.

I hope the the end of each snippet can be read like it's the end of the story, since that's what I was going for because I'm not sure I'll be able to finish it.....
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 01, 2011, 04:32:30 AM: 3 hours and 30 minutes remain.

Will anyone cut it closer to the wire then Robotic Doll.S?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on February 01, 2011, 04:37:57 AM: Quote from: IcedFairy on February 01, 2011, 04:32:30 AM
3 hours and 30 minutes remain.

Will anyone cut it closer to the wire then Robotic Doll.S?

well technically I could just find some old fic I never posted and c/p it in this thread :3c
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Suikama on February 01, 2011, 04:59:19 AM: Oh shit 3 hours left let's do this.

Meimu Hakurei who was Reimu Hakurei's sister was one day in an office typing on a cOh forget it :3
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: scherzo on February 01, 2011, 07:03:05 AM: Quote from: IcedFairy on February 01, 2011, 04:32:30 AM
3 hours and 30 minutes remain.

Will anyone cut it closer to the wire then Robotic Doll.S?

Ta~da!

Nights dissolved into day, days were reabsorbed into night, and I slept. Winter draped the land in snow before yielding to the caresses of spring, and still I slumbered on. Only when the daily shafts of sunlight filtered in with a newly radiant warmth reflective of high spring did I awake. It was mid-morning, an unusual time for me to be up, and in my grogginess I almost declared a premature surrender to my desire for sleep. Then I remembered. Around this time and all across Japan, cherry blossoms were coming into bloom - at first isolated patches, then whole forests, until a seemingly endless profusion blotted the blue of the sky with shades of white and pink. One of life's purest and most carefree pleasures is sitting underneath a flowering cherry tree, admiring the falling blossoms while sipping sake, and if I went back to sleep now it might be another month until I reawoke. Resolving to idly pass the time in a more refined manner, I made my preparations and left Mayohiga for the garden of the Saigyouji family.

In those days it was well known to all hanami connoisseurs that the most beautiful and fantastic flower viewings were to be had at the Saigyouji household. The patriarch of the family, Saigyouji Bennosuke, was a master of the art of flower arrangement, and owing to his wealth he was able to express his exquisite sensibilities on a larger scale than a bouquet. He brought an overriding, intricate symmetry to the organization of the garden, and the attentive spectator would discern a subtle balance in the various clusters and gaps formed by the cherries and wisteria. Yet in the midst of all this understatement was a booming, garish declaration, and even the eyes of the most dimwitted fool would be invariably led inward and heavenward to the garden's crowning glory - the Saigyou Ayakashi. Suffice it to say that the Saigyou Ayakashi in bloom was impossibly beautiful. The amount of poetry inked to praise this singular tree, most of it bad, fills an entire volume, and Bennosuke's relative, the eminent monk Saigyo Hoshi, was only the most lyrical in describing a desire to die beneath the weighty and bountiful thicket of its branches.

I exited a gap above one of the numerous outdoor patios ringing the garden, and noted approvingly that it was still in fair condition. As expected, the surroundings were absolutely silent. The branches of the Saigyou Ayakashi, which in years past were laden with an astonishing density of blossoms, were barren. As often occurs in these types of situations, the tree, being the focus and receptacle of so many extreme emotions, developed consciousness; it became a youkai. And as a youkai it operated with a singular purpose, to enchant each and every one of its admirers into an eternally peaceful slumber, with their bodies nestled between its roots. The once festive springtime celebrations atomized into the individual trancelike reveries of those decided on death, and the Saigyouji residence was abandoned. Last year I sealed the tree using the soul of a recently deceased human friend of mine, Saigyouji Yuyuko.

I suppose it was nostalgia that brought me back to a garden that, post the excision of its metaphorical heart, was merely one of many beautiful locales scattered throughout the land, though an atypically quiet one. When Yuyuko was alive we used to take long walks together, chatting amiably about nothing in particular, sometimes philosophizing, and every so often stopping to admire the beauty around us; Yuyuko was a skilled poet who could then unfailingly complete the moment by reciting some complementary verses of her own making. She never wrote them down, and I've largely forgotten them, to my regret. Promises and plans to meet again soon would mark our partings.

Our friendship was secret, as it must have been. Any sort of friendly relations between a human and a youkai could only result in that human's ostracization from society, were they to come to light. Indeed, I felt in Yuyuko's case that this chain of reasoning was reversed; that a profound, corrosive alienation from humanity drove her to seek the companionship of the supernatural. For Yuyuko was uniquely attuned to human mortality, and she held a special affinity with spirits, which she used to invite to freely flit about her person, delighting all the while. Next to the ethereal dances of the spirits the weighty bodies of the living appeared to her as petrified husks, as a cruel form of imprisonment. Yuyuko, being cursed with the ability to invoke death in mortals, struggled daily to restrain her natural inclinations towards murder, or liberation, depending upon your point of view. The contradiction between her humanity and her inhuman power proved a constant source of anguish that she was unable to reconcile, in the end.

The lazy swaying of the cherries served as a pleasant, unobtrusive accompaniment to my idle ruminations, as I lay submerged in the sea of my memories. Clouds drifted overhead. By turns the pink coloration of the blossoms intensified and seemed to bleed into the environment. Maybe I had gotten tipsy from the sake? For that matter, I thought I had seen a humanoid figure dancing through the gauzy mist of petals, its steps assured and elegant, yet also displaying a joyous spontaneity. This figure, or maybe mental apparition (for I was as yet unsure as to its actual existence) wore a blue and white spiral-pattern kimono, altogether a rather simple fashion of the day. My taste in fashion being considerably more sophisticated, it was probably a youkai. Such youkai, having evolved to the point where they could take human form, are solitary as a rule, so I was unlikely to be disturbed. I closed my eyes and continued my somber meditations...

"Excuuuuuuuuse me!"

"Oh, now look at what you've done!"

In my surprise I had upended the sake bottle. The figure from before floated nearby, her strikingly vivid pink hair disheveled and her countenance bespeaking a state of harried confusion. It was now clear that she was no youkai, but instead a ghost. Why was a ghost roaming about in the middle of the day?!

"I'm sorry for disturbing you so abruptly, but this is an emergency! There's some half-crazed human wandering about here, and if we don't get him out soon he'll go completely mad!"

"Yes, and -"

"He might even commit suicide!"

I thought to ask why a ghost would be so concerned for the life of a human - wouldn't she welcome another playmate? - but decided that the query might be a bit insensitive. You never know with ghosts. Sometimes they get agitated if you tell them that they are dead.

"So you're saying that the cherry blossoms are affecting his mental state?"

"Right. Many of them are youkai or ghosts, after all. They're driving him crazy with fear."

Come to think of it, the peculiar luminosity of the blossoms that I had noticed earlier: it wasn't that I was drunk. The Saigyou Ayakashi's influence extended to more than humans, and even now that it was sealed the garden could not be said to be safe. The poor fool the ghost was flustered over must have felt blessed to have come across this garden, before falling imperceptibly into his current state of delirium.

"Are you afraid of scaring him? You're probably more familiar with this area than a travelling youkai such as myself."

"Well, actually, that is..."

"Regardless of your reasons, I'll help you. Lead the way." I decided to humor the ghost for now, although something about her story disturbed me. The madman was not hard to find, ranting as he was at the base of the Saigyou Ayakashi.

"The next world, resplendent with sin-laden cherry blossoms / Unseeable in life, unseeable again in death."

"He's been declaiming lines like these for hours now. Whenever I approach he chants his bizarre poetry at me at double force, and curses me as a 'sinful ghost'."

"Let me try."

"The transmutation of lead into gold, this / the wise man sees to be true and knows to be false." The madman scampered away on all fours like a beast, and then turned and stared at me with bloodshot, bulging eyes.

"Who knows - maybe this man is the only sane one among us? I say we leave him to his devices."

"That comment was in poor taste, youkai miss." She had a point. It was time for me to intervene decisively.

"Behold - the interminable mysteries of the gap!" The air rippled and then tore, exposing an absolute darkness punctuated by variegated eyes. I turned towards my ghostly companion, expecting to see her startled or awed.

"Oooh..." A look of enlightenment spread across the ghost's face. "That explains it all..."

I was unused to being on the receiving end of muttered obfuscation, and I did not enjoy the feeling.

"'Explains it all?' Excuse me?"

"Nevermind that, please continue."

"Well then, do observe." The madman, perhaps upset at losing his unappreciative audience, was beginning to sulk. I closed the demonstration gap and opened one underneath him. His reaction as he fell was one of unconcerned resignation.

"You might think such a method of transportation would be terrifying, but it's actually quite pleasant. I've deposited that fellow near the outskirts of the nearest town."

"Will he be alright?"

"His mind hadn't degenerated, it was just freed from any inhibitions concerning proper behavior and social decorum. In short, he was freely indulging his whims. Those inhibitions should now return. He might even be inspired by this experience to write a decent poem." My curiosity asserted itself. "Could you now explain your earlier outburst?"

"You aren't aware? This area is in a state of flux. It's hosting such an extreme concentration of ghosts that the tissue tethering it to the land of the living is starting to disintegrate under the pressure. Pathways to the surrounding environs are being twisted and cut off; it's hard for even a youkai to make it here without some sort of aid, such as your gapping ability. I'm mystified as to how that madman made his way into this garden in the first place, and I would be at a lost trying to guide him out."

"Hence your spirited plea for help." The ghost blushed. Her explanation made sense, if there was any sense to be had in such matters, and allayed my earlier disquiet about the circumstances of her request.

"Where are the ghosts you speak of?"

"Resting beneath us. I'm rare in being active at this time of the day. If you return during the night, you'll get to see how raucous this place can be!" She had shifted back to that playful attitude of hers. "The ghosts around here are all friendly. It must be the charming atmosphere."

My manners must have deteriorated since Yuyuko's death, as I had completely forgotten until now to ask for the ghost's name. "Excuse me, but I haven't introduced myself. My name is Yakumo Yukari. And you...?" The ghost hesistated somewhat before giving her reply.

"I'm not sure who I am. Or rather who I was when I was alive. It's unusual for a recently born ghost not to have any memories of when she was alive, but there you go." Her gaze absentmindedly alighted on a butterfly before returning to me. "I don't go by any name."

"We'll just have to rectify that state of affairs then! How about I call you" - the name came smoothly to my lips - "Yuyuko. Saigyouji Yuyuko, to be full and formal about it."

"Oh? An acquaintance of yours?"

"Deceased acquaintance. You remind me of her in some ways."

We spent a few hours walking amongst the flowering cherry trees, chatting amiably about nothing in particular, and then I returned home.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 01, 2011, 07:38:52 AM: Buzzer shot, FTW! Not sure if it fits the theme of "A Touhou Learns a Lesson", though...

-----------------------------------

More than two thousand years before the realm of Gensokyo existed, a goddess marched victoriously ahead of her army. Though her bare feet sunk into the wet loam (an effect from the previous day?s duel with the land?s former reigning goddess) the same as the fifty warriors at her back, her divinity was obvious, partly from the radiance she seemed to exude, partly because of the fine red clothing she wore, the make and material of which wouldn?t be worn by mortals for centuries, and partly because she had several large and imposing pillars of wood floating around her. Behind her, her men marched stoicly through the mud, armed with their homeland?s greatest weapons and clad in their finest armor, though, curiously enough, several of them carried on their shoulders freshly cooked beasts on spits and slats.

The small army of men marched several lengths away from the goddess in respect and deference of her power, with only one man, himself looking like a figure of power wielding a shining spear and clad in steel armor, a rarity in the islands, daring to approach to an arm?s length away. He was also the only man to dare question the goddess. ?Lady Yasaka, are you sure that you want to do this? If this invitation is a trap, then-?

The goddess known as Yasaka brushed his concerns away imperiously. ?You worry too much; after yesterday?s duel, the leader of the Mishaguji has been cowed. If she and her people want to invite us to a celebration of our victory, it would be rude to not accept! Besides,? she added, gesturing at the line of soldiers, sweating in the humid morning air, ?fifty of your best men, armed with finest weapons of the Yamato, should be more than enough to match the Moreya and their steel.?

The leader of the mortal men, wiping heavy perspiration from underneath the brim of his helmet, couldn?t help but argue back. ?Your confidence in my men, while heartening, does not stop us from being surrounded by superior numbers. If you had just let me ready the rest of the army for-? he argued, before a newer, lighter voice interrupted him.

?My, you have a rather rude commander, Lady Yasaka,? the voice said, right behind the soldier?s shoulder. Several of the soldiers started at the sudden appearance of the new man, clad in clean furs and a tall woven hat, half drawing weapons before Yasaka?s gesture stopped them. The tall man, seemingly all knees and elbows, gave a cheeky grin to the goddess. ?Assuming that an invitation for a feast, from the people of a thousand cursed gods, is but a trap? that?s either incredibly rude, or a deduction of the master of the obvious. Still, very kind of you to bring offerings with you!? The commander felt his teeth grind at the taller man?s derisive contemptuous attitude, but the goddess only chuckled, a remarkably light sound coming from such an imposing figure.

?He?s just a bit over protective, sir High Priest. Though,? she noted, looking at the tall human askance, ?I do wonder if there?s another purpose to the feast, aside from the celebration of the Yamato over your people.?

Any hope that the commander had of seeing the high priest?s facial expression change from that cheeky, closed eye look, died as the high priest only, somehow, grinned even more cheekily. ?Why, it is to present a gift to the land?s newest goddess.?

?Oh?? the commander grumbled, wondering just how the infuriating man managed to not sweat in this humidity, with his fur robes and that stupid hat. ?And what sort of ?present? does a conquered people offer?? That damned grin split even wider.

?Why, an eternal curse, guaranteed to last ?till the end of Lady Yasaka!? At that proclamation, the commander?s eyes widened, and he nearly drew his spear at his counterpart?s neck if it weren?t for the goddess? firm grip keeping his arm still.

That grip didn?t keep his tongue still, however. ?You dare admit to such a thing?! If you do such a thing to Lady Yasaka, I swear that I?ll have your head!? he growled, trying to match glares with the cheeky priest (as the high priest?s eyes were seemingly permanently closed, this ended in failure, but the beads of his hat were more than willing to take the challenge). The army behind the three faltered in their march, growing wary at the hostility brewing at the front of their formation.

Yasaka, on the other hand, had a fierce gleam in her eye. ?Oh, is that what Moreya has planned? This should be? interesting.? A small, yet ferocious grin was now affixed to her face, and her pace seemed to pick up. The commander?s steps stuttered a bit as he tried to match the pace of the woman, who already had the advantage of height on him, and he shot another glare at the gangly priest, who only replied with a smile and a tip of the ridiculous looking hat.

It wasn?t long before the entourage reached the bottom of the hill, where the soon-to-be previous goddess of the land dwelled in her shrine. Already, local folk had began to gather, congregating around the hill at the foot of the lake, beginning their own ascent up the hill. Those folk kept a healthy distance from the invading force, but, aside from a few muttered comments and several heated stares, they seemed oddly accepting of the invaders.

?Possibly because the invasion was so bloodless, thanks to Lady Yasaka and the Moreya goddess,? the commander thought. ?Though, I wouldn?t have minded to have speared certain individuals,? he added, sending a not-so-concealed glare at a not-so-oblivious priest, who was having less difficulty climbing up the hill than his counterpart.

It wasn?t long before the goddess, the commander, the priest, and the men crested the hill, in front of a large clearing in front of a wooden shrine. Even to the uninitiated, one could easily tell that the shrine was a place of power, despite its simplicity in design. Crowds have already began to gather around the perimeter, making the already edgy soliders uneasy. Yasaka, however, had no such uncertainty, confidently and boldly stepping forward to the shrine, her commander and her rival?s priest following quickly, flanking her a pace behind, not stopping until she was ten paces away from the shrine?s closed doors. The high priest removed his hat and knelt reverently to the shrine, hands flat on the earth and forehead pressed against the ground. His nostrils flared as his chest inflated, filling with air.

?My lady Moreya!? his voice boomed, unexpectedly loudly, causing all conversation to cease. ?The highest of the gods of this land, the ruler of the Mishaguji! Lady Yasaka of the Yamato approaches!? Immediately, all of the mortals dropped prostrate, even the commander and his soldiers, as the shrine doors began to open. Yasaka, however, remained standing, arms crossed in an imperious pose.

?And now, what curse will my lady face?? the commander wondered, with his face pressed into the ground. ?The frog goddess is a tricky foe: even with her steel countered by Lady Yasaka?s power, Lady Moreya is still a curse goddess, who has pledged to set an eternal curse upon the one who defeated her.? His teeth ground as his mind spun with infinite possibilities. ?Lady Yasaka is strong, but she?s, in her own way, foolish. If anything happens to her?

?No matter, for I?ll be at her side to help her, alw-? his back stiffened as though a pole were shoved through his spine at Yasaka?s surprised gasp, and he involuntarily looked up, despite it being a breach of protocol. ?What is it, Lady Ya-?

His words trailed off, and his eyes boggled at the sight before him.

A slim blonde woman, who had just passed through the doors of the shrine.

She was kneeling demurely on the wooden porch in front of Yasaka, eyes cast downward.

The woman was dressed in the purest white of cloth, impossible to match by human standards.

Her lips began to move, strangely deep, yet feminine, despite her frailer stature. ?Lady Yasaka, you have defeated I, Moreya of the Mountains. As per your wishes, I bequeath upon you these lands, and these people, for you to provide your protection. And?

?As I am part of these lands, I give myself to you.? Moreya?s head dipped down to meet her clasped hands on the ground, to the gasps of the mortals around them. ?I hope that our years together in the future are long and fruitful.? A long silence passed, before the commander finally said one word.

?What.? The tone was as flat as his expression, and he continued to stare at the prostrate goddess, as though waiting for the punch line of a joke to be revealed. Instead, quiet chatter and titters began to arise from the ranks of mortals.

?Oh my, our Moreya-sama?s finally getting married!?
?How forward, offering herself just like that!?
?That?s so our goddess, with her spirited, er, spirit!?
?Mom, I?m hungry!?

Slowly, the commander rose to his feet, not even caring about niceties any more. ?This? this has to be a joke? Lady Yasaka?!? he turned to the goddess, only to stop cold. The normally confident, aggressive goddess was now blushing eyes averted from the other goddess and nervously threading her fingers together.

?O-oh my?? she mumbled, voice quavering in embarrassment. ?R-really, it?s just too sudden! I really need to p-prepare myself for this, Lady Moreya?? she said, trying not to hide her face behind her hands. The commander felt his jaw go slack, but quickly snapped his wits together.

?Lady Yasaka! Get a hold of yourself! You need to present a strong front in front of the men!? he shouted, turning and gesturing at the soldiers, before stopping cold. His proud soldiers, known for their stoicism and ferocity in battle, were sniffling, barely able to restrain their emotions.

?Lady Yasaka? to think that you would get married!?
?I always dreamed of being that man, though?!?
?It?s just like Lady Yasaka, to get the prettiest and most beautiful ladies??
?Sir, I?m hungry!?

One particular soldier, a huge man capable of felling several men with a single swing and knocking horses dead cold, rumored to be of oni blood, had dropped decorum and charred boar entirely, bawling shamelessly. ?This is happiest day of Goro?s life!? he sobbed loudly into the shoulder of another soldier, who looked rather awkward and tear soaked.

The commander?s brow was already twitching madly as the lanky high priest strode up next to him, throwing an arm around his shoulder. ?Well, I?d say that was the best curse Lady Yasaka could be under, don?t you think?? the man cheered, not noticing popping veins from underneath his steel helmet. ?What say we drink merrily to our goddesses? union, friend??

The infuriating grin never left his face, despite the commander?s fist demolishing his nose. At least that damned hat fell off his head.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 07:42:58 AM: I think, including my story, there is 1 versus story, two stories about OC death, 2 3 origin stories with Sect's ninja-post, an OC self insert story, A Madventures of Marisa, a real world touohou, and a short about Cirno.

BlackAlice - Your story reads like humor to me. If I were writing it, I'd have probably added more humor.

CS and SquidTentacle - Those stories sure are dark. Did you have fun writing them?

Sect - You're a new writer?!
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 01, 2011, 07:49:22 AM: Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 07:42:58 AM
Sect - You're a new writer?!
Technically, according to the rules of the contest, I am.

Honestly, though, I'm not. I've been doing fanfiction for nearly ten years, and doing personal writing projects for a little longer than that. Of course, I'm also a REALLY LAZY writer, so...
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 01, 2011, 08:04:21 AM: Deadline!

We've got a lot of last minute entries but time is now officially up! Judges will be sleeping now. Please wait warmly until all are concious and have had time to read through the stories.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on February 01, 2011, 08:04:55 AM: gdit there's so much work to do suddenly
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 01, 2011, 08:07:07 AM: It's all you slackers fault for waiting until the last minute. I only have to read Sect's. :P
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on February 01, 2011, 08:08:05 AM: well

y-your face

I'll get to work tomorrow sob
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on February 01, 2011, 08:28:47 AM: Oh man, finally. I've been waiting for this. *eagerly awaits results*

Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 07:42:58 AM
CS and SquidTentacle - Those stories sure are dark. Did you have fun writing them?

Yeah, I did. I enjoy writing predominantly dark stories, particularly if they have sprinklings of lightheartedness and humor added to them.

And it helps with venting, so that's a plus.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 01, 2011, 08:33:38 AM: Quote from: Squidtentacle on February 01, 2011, 08:28:47 AM
Oh man, finally. I've been waiting for this. *eagerly awaits results*

Yeah, I did. I enjoy writing predominantly dark stories, particularly if they have sprinklings of lightheartedness and humor added to them.

And it helps with venting, so that's a plus.
I'm kind of the opposite: writing darker stories tend to make me depressed, while writing upbeat or humorous stories lift me up.

That said, your story, Squid, is my personal favorite: pretty melancholy, yet has a sort of happy ending at the end. Also, happy birthday.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: jaxter0987 on February 01, 2011, 09:09:53 AM: Placeholder for comments on other entries. You guys all turned it in at the last minute :V

Edit: Okuu, I liked the dialogue you created. What the characters said actually sounded like something they would say and I have to admit, I never had much interest in Keine until reading your story. However, the story had no "beginning". You did say that this was a modified version of chapter 2 and 3 of your fanfic but atleast you could have added something in the beginning to give some background. I felt as though I was just dropped into the story. Perhaps you should have included chapter 1 in your submission? And to end on a good note, I appreciate how you portrayed Satori.

Edit: Kaisou Hisakata, it was indeed too short. The story kind of just petered out. The writing sounds like HangedHourai's writing style (atleast in "When Alice is Away, the Dolls will Play") but a tad different. There wasn't enough background about Seidenki. Otherwise, the story was decent as you said.

Edit: BlackAlice, I commend your courage at writing your first fanfic. I have never actually spent an extended amount of time writing about touhou (Yet, I'm still here critiquing... :3). I had to write a short story and used touhou as inspriation. I considered submitting it but it really just sucked. Despite the english grammar errors which were minimal, the story still flowed. Hopefully you'll continue writing fanfics.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: CS on February 01, 2011, 12:23:53 PM: Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 07:42:58 AM
CS and SquidTentacle - Those stories sure are dark. Did you have fun writing them?

Yea, I had fun writing it. I like darker stories sometimes.

After reading the other entries I think I like SquidTentacles' best, happy yet sad at the same time
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 01, 2011, 07:32:38 PM: That's a pretty good review of Squid's story, Cap, but you said something that I feel needs pointing out.
Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 06:38:13 PM
The reason is simple - When Sect said you wrote the best story, I mixed up yours with CS's and I thought I agreed with Sect. Then I realized that he was refering to your story, not the one about the bully. Thus, the fact that Sect thought yours was the best improved my opinion of the story I thought was yours without actually changing anything about the story. It's a psycological phenominon where people like what's popular, and while author's should take advantage of that phenominon, judges shouldn't be swayed by it.
This is important. Now, you got a little confused: I said it was my favorite, not the best (the two, while not mutually exclusive, aren't necessarily the same thing either). However, the core lesson remains the same: come up with your own opinions on what you like, don't like, think is good, and think is terrible. You can look at other people's opinions, sure, and they might even influence you, but otherwise it's on you to come to your own conclusions.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on February 01, 2011, 09:10:10 PM: You know you guys don't need to capitalize "tentacle", right? :V

Thanks for the review, capt. I appreciate hearing constructive criticism. Just a few things I wanted to respond to.

Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 06:38:13 PM
On being dark.

Yeah, I figured that it would be hard for certain people. But...that's just the subject matter I like. I enjoy writing/reading dark things, and since I tend to write for personal satisfaction that's what I wrote. Maybe it's just because so much of the Touhou fanfiction I see is often lighthearted and perfectly fine, so I like to realistically balance it out with stuff like this.

Or maybe I'm just bullshitting whatever.

Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 06:38:13 PM
Not quite a Touhou story.

Hm. That is an interesting point. My main thought was that it was about Rin becoming more aware of the pre-death lives of people that she carts away. Before the story, she would just plop any corpse she came across into her cart and drop them into the Hell of Blazing Fires without any concern over whether their souls had left their bodies yet. Having some trouble figuring out how exactly to say what I mean...

Anyway, I suppose both could easily be the theme of that story. Depends on how you view it, I guess.

Regarding starting the story with the OC, I tried a few different ways of starting it with Rin, but the way I have it now just felt best in my opinion.

Anyway, thanks for the review. Helps as something to keep in mind.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: BlackAlice on February 02, 2011, 02:41:52 PM: Quote from: capt. h on February 01, 2011, 07:42:58 AM
BlackAlice - Your story reads like humor to me. If I were writing it, I'd have probably added more humor.

Humor eh? I got distract because of my Grand Chase fanfic. It is humor, maybe it affected my Touhou fanfic too =3
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: CS on February 02, 2011, 04:07:14 PM: Thanks for the reviews capt, yeah I kinda agree bout the bully thing. Having him gain a conscience and realizing his mistakes all in the last seconds of his life really isn't such a good idea after all >.<
And yeah, I'll try not to start with OCs next time. And sorry bout the story being a little dark, I like it that way, kinda makes it different from other people's (I think)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 02, 2011, 11:20:43 PM: Seeing those stories makes me want to write out the rest of the chapters of my story and make a new story too.

But, sigh, can't think of anything.

Good stories you guys. :)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: BlackAlice on February 04, 2011, 02:03:05 PM: Ummmm... Where is the result?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: MaxKnight on February 04, 2011, 03:12:45 PM: While I'm curious about the result myself, I'm more interested in the critique, as that's what drew me to this in the first place.

(I know my story was on the long side, though, and I apologize for sounding impatient; I guess I'm just in a hurry to learn what I can do to improve myself...)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 04, 2011, 03:32:59 PM: Please wait warmly. Judges are compiling.

The Winner should be announced tonight or tommorow morning, with critiques arriving throughout the weekend. We got a lot of last minute entries, and some of our judges have busy weeks, so it's taking a little time.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 04, 2011, 03:37:30 PM: Quote from: IcedFairy on February 04, 2011, 03:32:59 PM
We got a lot of last minute entries,
:derp:
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on February 04, 2011, 05:14:30 PM: Man now I'm starting to feel nervous, my entry was nothing special but I'm eagerly awaiting the critique :)
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on February 04, 2011, 08:04:26 PM: Aaaaaah I can't wait

I'm really looking forward to seeing the results and getting some advice. :3
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Esifex on February 04, 2011, 11:45:55 PM: As one of the judges, I feel obligated to say to the eagerly waiting masses

WHY IN THE BLAZES DID YOU WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE D:
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Ryuu on February 04, 2011, 11:52:10 PM: esiiiii hurry upppp I wanna see who winsssss
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 05, 2011, 12:40:19 AM: Quote from: Esifex on February 04, 2011, 11:45:55 PM
As one of the judges, I feel obligated to say to the eagerly waiting masses

WHY IN THE BLAZES DID YOU WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE D:

>_> I just entered contest on a whim (was going to post the story as it's own topic) since I saw it was still going and I guess people followed my footstep.....
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 05, 2011, 12:55:02 AM: Quote from: Esifex on February 04, 2011, 11:45:55 PM
As one of the judges, I feel obligated to say to the eagerly waiting masses

WHY IN THE BLAZES DID YOU WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE D:
Wahaha. Just as planned.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 05, 2011, 06:15:05 PM: Alright! I know you've been waiting, but now our judges finally have a majority in. There were several good fics given, but for a contest there must be a firm judgement. Black and white. And thus our winner is:

(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/5725/hatatepost.jpg)

Squidtentacle

Your fic was just wonderful. It was well written, drew the readers in, and the story fitted the contest perfectly. I think it would have been a strong contender in the WWC about learning lessons. Yuuto had a strong presence despite being a minor character and Orin's change of heart was touching. You've earned your new title, and I hope to see you writing more. Especially when the WWC revives.

Honorable mentions go to:

Topos, your fic was beautifully written, and had a pleasant subtlety to it. All the judges thought very highly of it, and we'd like to see more of this level of language in the library. You and Squidtentacle are going to be hard to critique in ways that aren't based off stylistic preferences.

MaxKnight, while all our judges wept at it's length, your story has a lot of promise. For someone coming in out of nowhere you have a very strong story base. Hopefully the input we give you can help you polish it.

Sect, you made all the judges laugh. This is an impressive accomplishment in and of itself. There were a few minor issues here and there, but a good punchline (or two) can lead to much forgiveness.

Thanks to all our contestants for participating, and we hope that our advice will give you all renewed confidence in your writings, as well as a good boost of skill. We're going to start compiling and sending out all the reviews now, though we may add a little more later after another judicial review.

We're expecting good things from all of you in the future.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Dead Princess Sakana on February 05, 2011, 06:20:59 PM: Congrats Squid, and good work to everyone that participated~
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Esifex on February 05, 2011, 06:25:18 PM: Quote from: Kanako Yasakana on February 05, 2011, 06:20:59 PM
Congrats Squid, and good work to everyone that participated~
EXCEPT EVERYONE WHO WAITED 'TIL THE LAST MINUTE >:C

I mean, congrats all, well done! I do hope the lot of you - including the deadline pushers - kip on over to the WWC when it gets started back up and join us there.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: MaxKnight on February 05, 2011, 06:30:24 PM: I'm actually quite happy with this result and can't wait to see what the judges have to say about it.

Thank you, judges, for the consideration; I'll attempt to use the feedback to improve myself in all of my future works.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Unassuming Squid on February 05, 2011, 06:37:39 PM: ....w...wow. I really don't know what to say. Thank you so very much. And congratulations to everyone else, as well.

Maybe this'll inspire me to get off my ass and finish those stories I currently have sitting around. :V
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 05, 2011, 06:46:43 PM: Quote from: Esifex on February 05, 2011, 06:25:18 PM
EXCEPT EVERYONE WHO WAITED 'TIL THE LAST MINUTE >:C
I HAVE NO REGRETS.

Anyways, yeah, the guy who should have won won. Congratulations, Squid, now you'll have to one up yourself from now on. Wahaha.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kaisou on February 05, 2011, 07:34:07 PM: Nice one, squid! Congrats on your new status!
Is it strange if I kinda saw this outcome? I even saw the outcome in my story's review, which is also kinda weird...

Anyways, I'll be sure to use my review notes, and try to make a better story next time!
Well, if I ever start a fic here...
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Marokuu on February 05, 2011, 08:34:23 PM: Congratulations to Squiddie!

Since I read my critique before checking the thread I wasn't really surprised about... anything really. I guess the problems in my story stems from the fact that the way I've learned to write works fine in swedish but look out of place in english, guess I don't have as firm a grasp of the english language as I thought... oh well something to work on in uppcoming chapters. Maybe I should go back and inprove my old chapters first though :/

Anyways what I'm trying to say is thanks for the critique I just hope I will be able to take it to heart and use it properly :ohdear:
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Kips McKipzerson on February 05, 2011, 08:45:52 PM: Congrats to the squid dude.

I was reading your story while listening to the song you mentioned, and I damn near went into tears, and if you knew me personally, thats a big achievement. I was honestly hoping he wasnt going to die either, but, I just had that feeling that he was going to either way. Great story.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: scherzo on February 05, 2011, 08:46:30 PM: Congratulations to Squidtentacle and all the participants for their contributions! Is it time for a group hug?

Trying to put a story together for this contest has made me appreciate just how hard writing fiction is. It's really hard, but also really fun, and struggling to condense my fanciful ideas into a seamless verbal texture is an exhilarating experience. My writing is all technical mathematics these days, all very concise, compact, and austere, so it's nice to cut loose in the other direction every once in a while.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 05, 2011, 11:26:39 PM: Congratulations Squidtentacle! :D

Although I never really did get my story critiqued and that's one of my main reason for entering this contest.......
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 05, 2011, 11:32:41 PM: Quote from: Bunny Doll.S on February 05, 2011, 11:26:39 PM
Although I never really did get my story critiqued and that's one of my main reason for entering this contest.......
Working on it working on it. You peoples.... :V
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 06, 2011, 12:05:12 AM: Ah, sorry, I thought the critique would come with the results......
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: CS on February 06, 2011, 01:31:02 AM: Congratulations, Squid and thanks for the reviews. Really appreciate it, thanks
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Sect on February 06, 2011, 01:45:48 AM: Out of curiousity, are the critiques coming in through PM or email?
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 06, 2011, 01:57:12 AM: All reviews will be PMed.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: capt. h on February 06, 2011, 03:00:40 AM: I got mine.

Thanks Iced. Now I need to think about it.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Doll.S CUBE on February 06, 2011, 03:58:40 AM: Thanks for the critique Icedfairy. :)

Well, need to go revise and finish the whole thing now, hopefully the future chapters will have less mistakes.
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Tengukami on February 07, 2011, 02:55:55 PM: Days after deadline and judgement, my reviews and scores are now also complete. SPOILER: They don't change the results of the contest.

Great effort, everyone. Keep writing!
Title: Re: New Writers Contest
Post by: Iced Fairy on February 07, 2011, 08:49:15 PM: And with that I'd like to thank Ryuu, Roukan, Esi and Ammy for helping me judge. Most of the reviews were put together from their helpful insights, especially anything involving specific grammar issues.

I'd like to thank everyone for making this contest as good as it was. And given it's general success I think this contest will one day return. (When non internet life stops making me cry).