Author Topic: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind  (Read 3363 times)

The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« on: February 18, 2013, 05:09:13 PM »
Well... like the title says, I actually created this on  a whim. Maybe I could improve my English language as it is very bad, amateurish (maybe lower than that). So I started my fanfic (this is my first fanfic actually but there are others which I thought of myself and will burst out laughing as it involves or had a reference of Skyrim, Neverland, Wonderland and other things like a parody :] ) by writing a prologue based on my school essay which is a reference of another essay about a biography of a dancing doll but I edited much of it. If you read the description.. not much huh? I admit it I'm not great at this (maybe because I wrote it with half-heart effort?) So critics (or is that how you spelled it?) I welcome the most!! (not sure) :ohdear:

So without delay, here is the (not so great?) very very short prologue (done half-hearted)
 



The Doll of the Land Below the Wind

PROLOGUE

From The South-east Of The Land Below The Wind Till The Far East Of The Land of Illusions

 My name is Sabah. I am a doll made in the land below the wind and named after it. I am dressed in the formal traditional outfit of the local village. Almost traditionally in a black and lacy golden yellow sleeveless blouse with small bells hanging below it, a short black skirt (and like my blouse it also has bells hanging below), and a silver bracelet on my upper right arm, a wide belt which consisted of large silver coins and finally a pair of black high boots which wasn?t a tradition. My hair is black, long and wavy and I had a white bow tied behind my hair, my long bangs covered my right eye. The colour of my eyes are silver-white.
 
 Soon, I was sent to the Western lands. My friends (other dolls) and I arrived in Britain by a British shipment. When we reached our destination, we were delivered to a toyshop and were displayed there with many other different dolls. The place was full of toys. I loved looking at the other toys and I enjoyed watching the children playing with them. Some of them would stop to admire me with wide open eyes, but I was too expensive to be bought.

 Many long years I stood out on the display till one day a rich, grandly dressed lady came to the store. She looked around the place and her eyes fell on me. She looked at me in admiration. She immediately bought me. I was given as a birthday present to her sole daughter.

 I was very happy with my new mistress, but the happy time did not last long. One day, her friends brought along their own dolls to play at her house. They envied me because I looked very attractive. My mistress refused to let her friends handle me. When she wasn?t attending to me, one of her friends picked me up. My mistress was furious and tried to pull me away from her friend. In the tussle they accidentally broke my right arm. My young mistress cried and her mother consoled her by promising to buy a new doll for her.

 I was sold away at a pawnshop and placed on shelf. One day, a beautiful young blonde girl came in the pawnshop. This girl certainly had the air of a ?foreigner? and by that I meant like other than human yet respectable and peaceful. Her eyes fixed on to me. She bought me then accepted me with great delight. She skilfully fixed my broken right arm but I forgot how. She also knew my name and where I was made! Her name was Alice. She treasured me and took very good care of me. I am indeed fortunate to have a new mistress who loves me now.

 She decided to return home after she bought and fixed me. Suddenly, a portal or some sort of entrance with multiple eyes on it appeared from nowhere, and without hesitation Alice walked right in to it. I was really surprised the scenery had changed. There was no trace or any sign of the place we were before. The air here somehow is filled with magic. We went into a forest, straight towards a beautiful looking house surrounded by the forest. The sight of it awes me like a fairytale from a story book.
 
 The window of the house opened automatically then several dolls flew out. Again I was amazed. Few dolls carried steel weapons from the looks of it, securing the perimeter while two dolls opened the door house entrance from inside. With me being held by Alice, she took me in her house and from there my new life begins.





Might have some plenty mistakes there. (Hopefully no spelling mistake) So maybe I started bad at first but I'll try to improve well. It would be helpful if someone might give me a lesson or two. So I might continue the first chapter this week or not due to the busyness at school. Oh yeah, I know there are also other stories about Alice's doll and they were interesting too so I would like to give it a try though I really would like to try making a parody too. Argh... I really need to improve my grammar and writing and I will write longer this time.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2013, 10:53:02 AM by Eroy of Below the Wind »

Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2013, 02:40:44 AM »
I like how you chose to make a Touhou fic to improve. Keep it up! I'm pretty sure plenty of people here could point out the things that need improvement so I'll just tell you what I liked about the work. Well, it's Sabah herself, she looks very cute from what I imagine, and she has an innocent, somewhat naive voice that I liked (I don't know if it was intentionally though).

Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2013, 07:50:48 AM »
Advice time :D

Quote
From The South-eastern Of The Land Below The Wind Till The Far Eastern Of The Land of Illusions
"South-east" and "Far East" would be correct here.
Quote
I am dressed like the village locals formal traditional outfit.
"I am dressed like the village locals, in their formal traditional outfit." Or "I am dressed in the formal traditional outfit of the local village." Would be gramatically correct, which one depends on how often the villagers dress that way I guess.
Quote
a black short skirt like my blouse it also has bells hanging below, and a silver bracelet on my upper right arm
"A short black skirt (like my blouse it also has bells hanging below)" There should be a comma here, but it's part of a list so brackets should do. Also you only put an "and" before the last entry in the list.
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The colours of my eyes are silver-white.
"The colour of my eyes is silver-white." Shouldn't have pluralisation here unless the eyes are different colours.
Quote
Many years long
Could technically be used, but "Many long years" is more common.
Quote
I was very happy with my new mistress but the happy time did not last long.
Needs a comma between "mistress" and "but", this adds suspense and weight to the second part.
Quote
I was sold away at a pawnshop and placed at shelf.
"on a shelf."
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beautiful blonde young girl
"beautiful young blonde girl"
Quote
Suddenly, a gap or some sort of portal appeared from nowhere, without hesitation Alice walked right in to it.
This isn't a grammar thing, but a gap is not a term commonly used for mystical portals so that probably wouldn't be the first thing to come to mind. Also needs an "and" after the second comma to show that it is happening after the portal appeared.
Quote
Surprised I was really, we were on different scenery.
"I was really surprised, the scenery had changed." There was a lot wrong with that sentence >.<;
Quote
Few dolls carried a steel weapon from the looks of it
"A few dolls carried steel weapons" If something is in relation to more than one person then you pluralise it as well.


Not bad, hope I helped :>

Edit: Made a mistake of my own, derp.

Also:
Quote
her eyes felon me.
Felon is another word for criminal, you meant to write "fell on".
« Last Edit: February 19, 2013, 07:53:25 AM by Yaersulf »

Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2013, 11:05:22 AM »
Haha. Thanks for the advice. Wow, I really made plenty of mistakes there :o. But really, thanks for the advice, hopefully I had fixed all the part that needs fixing. I might be posting again soon, but of course, not without mistakes (embarrassingly plenty too :ohdear:)

Gappy

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Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2013, 05:15:05 PM »
Mistakes aside, this was a wonderful intro to what I'm expecting will be a nice story. You've done well in creating a character the readers can feel for. Already we have an idea of her personality, her love for children, how simply having a loving owner can make her so very happy, all without having to resort to direct descriptions of her person. The only way I think this can be better is if you make greater use of the first person point of view and expound on her thoughts and feelings a little more.

Keep it up. I have a real soft spot for dolls, fairies and the other so-called 'lesser' touhou characters so I'm definitely interested in seeing more of this.

Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2013, 01:52:56 PM »
Ah yes, again I continue this story to improve myself and to relieve me from my boredom. I really need to improve (damn, might have plenty of mistakes there. I just hope that I don't detiorated). I wrote this on my free time, but next week I might not because of...... exams...ahem..maths... so I'll continue later.
 


CHAPTER 1: House of Dolls

 As we entered the house, I saw the interior of the living room, it was very beautifully decorated with many sorts of furniture, but what attracted my attention was, the dolls sitting around the shelves. There are so many of them! And the books too lying around reminded me of the days when I was still in the toyshop. The dolls here moved and flew around doing chores. Some of the dolls were dressed differently and beautifully, while most of them dressed the same as if they wore a uniform, other than that there were a variety of them.

 While still holding me and her book, Alice went to the other room, also filled with dolls. Their gaze followed Alice as she walked towards a table. There, she sat on a chair then gave her book to one of the dolls nearby and instructed her to place it in her room.

 Alice then placed me on the table and began to inspect me. She turned me around. I felt something was attached to me and through it I felt some sort of energy flowed down to my body. Afterwards, she carried me to a hand-sewing machine.

 ?I might as well add something.? she began sewing. Back then, I used to be sleeveless, but now I wore black detached-sleeves made by Alice. She was very happy that her work was done. Just as she placed me back at her work table, a doll flew to her and whispered something in her ears.

 ?Ah, yes. I had to thank Yukari, but then I have to go to a meeting in Makai tonight as well.? Alice sighed as she as prepared to leave, then one of her dolls brought back the book she was holding just now to her.

 ?All right everyone! Return to your shelves and guard the house. I?ll be gone for a while.? the dolls immediately return to their shelves just as Alice had instructed, except for four dolls which followed her outside before she closed the door and locked it.

 Ten minutes had passed. My fingers began to twitch. I stood up slowly and began to observe the environment around me. The other dolls began moving, some of them yawned before they stood up and some others had already begun to fly around. The dolls socialized with each other. It was enjoyable seeing them interacting with each other.

 I sit on the table and kept watching them. I wanted to join them as well, but I was too nervous and shy when I thought that, when everyone here knew each other, only I was foreign to them.

 Suddenly, a doll shouted ?Attention! Gather round everyone, I have some announcement that you all may want to hear!? I stood up and walked to the edge of the table to see where it came from. The other dolls began to form a crowd; their attention was directed at doll standing at a pile of books.

 ?As you all may know, Alice may not return for a while, but when I meant for a while is actually a week!? the doll standing at a pile of books had a blonde, long hair. She wore an elegant black-red dress, a white shawl over her shoulders, and a red ribbon on her head.

  The dolls cheered afterwards.

 ?Hush, I still have other announcement to sa-?

 Just as she spoke, her sentence was cut off by another. ?Our dear general Hourai, I would also love to say something.? The doll standing on the pile of books sighed as she heard the voice that spoke just now.

 From the crowd of dolls, I saw one particular doll moving amongst the crowd, towards the one who was about to deliver another announcement just now before she was interfered. She has a brown and long hair, wore a gray dress with a gray coat, a leather tricorn hat, a cutlass sheathed beside her white sash around her waist, and around her neck, a coin as an amulet. She walked, swaggering passed other dolls while touching one of their shoulders, slapping their back or even holding their waist and greeting them while she?s at it. From what I can tell, she was a bit awkward in my opinion.

 ?Sorry mate, lemme pass, coming throug- Oh oops, don?t slap me.? she kept walking till she reached the doll in black-red.

 ?Tortuga, what ?news? do you wish to tell us which I didn?t already know?? the doll in black-red questioned the doll with the tricorn hat.

?There should be a ?captain? there somewhere? Though I have no ?Nightsparrrow?.? saying that, then she continued to answer the question.

 ?Well first, I would like to say sorry to some of you whom I gambled against as you all came to me unprepared, savvy.? she talked and smiled as she flail her arms around.

 There was a tense atmosphere, everyone went silent. Some dolls on the crowd had a mad and angry expression as the doll with the tricorn hat mentioned her first ?announcement?.

??Well, the second is for Hourai.? her head then turned towards the doll in black-red.

 ?Since our dear mother will not be here for a while, why don?t we continue our work somewhere tonight then you can have all my possession and if you still hate me, I am soon going to be destroyed anyway? Maybe? You only need to say aye.?

 ?I-? just as she was about to continue, her right hand was grabbed.

 ?Okay! Good mate, let?s go!? before she could run with her, her neck was grabbed from behind by another doll, and the doll in black-red aimed her left palm that was glowing purple in front of her face.

 ?No, I won?t and never agree to this, Captain.? the doll in black-red said, grinning at the one wearing the tricorn hat.

 ?Okay mate, could you please tell your mate, Shanghai to stop hurting me. I know it?s her.? as she point the doll behind her who wore an elegant black-blue dress with an apron, also with a red ribbon on her head. Her face looked cheerful and innocent.

 ?Kay Sis!? she said cheerfully before releasing the neck that she grabbed.

 The doll in black-red continued her announcement ?Second announcement, we have a newcomer amongst us so be sure to greet her well, and the third announcement, enjoy the week and have fun. That is all.? with that her announcement is off. The newcomer she referred to was probably me.

 Even though the announcement was over, the doll crowds still stood, facing her.

 ?Well then, go on! Off ye go!? the one with the tricorn spoke, then all the dolls realized themselves and hurriedly scattered, doing what they want to do, probably.

 ?And I hope Sparta isn?t angry at me anymore or it?ll be her feet or her spear, mate?

 I walked back to the center of the table, sitting on this work table, still watching the dolls as they socialized with each other. Only I was alone, my thoughts just now still overwhelm me.

 Suddenly, I saw a doll reached up to the table. The doll stood near me as she closely observed me. I was speechless; I didn?t know what to say to her, so I only gave a friendly smile. The doll curiously looked over me.
 
 She has a white hair, as white as the snow, a black headband on her head; she also wore a white dress and a cross round her neck. The colour of her eyes are silver-white, same as mine.

 As I stare down for a moment, then when I raised my head, she wasn?t there anymore. Suddenly, somebody hugged my neck from behind. I was surprised.

 ?Nunu (what)!?? I soon began to relax, but who could?ve suddenly hugged me from behind? I felt something on my right shoulder; I turned my head to it and saw her head relaxed on it. She was quite cute, to be honest.

---------------------------------------                       

 I flew towards a tree branch and began to stand on it. I shall await the others from here, and then we will begin. Behind me, is an army enough to surround the house but even so, we must still plan carefully or-

 ?Commander, all forces have arrived, assembled and are awaiting for your command.?

 Ah, I really don?t like interruptions you know but, I guess I?ll let that pass. Beside me, my subordinate, a former prisoner whose head I really wanted to crack right now. But-

 ?Ma?am?? she said. She dare interrupt me again while I?m thinking! I glared my eyes at her. Her eyes looked terrified and her body was shaking, but other than that I am still angry. So?

 ?Your arm?
 
 ?Uh? What??
 
 She dared questioned me now! I swear if she wasn?t useful at all, I would?ve already made a torture dummy out of her all day!

 ?Somebody, hold her! I?ll have her right arm cracked!? now I am certainly going to enjoy this if not, then her right eye will do.

 ?Wha- Wait, you?ve already done my left and my right is almost-?

 ?I do not want ?almost?, I want ?completely? do you understand dear? Prisoner??

 I grabbed her arm and start squeezing it till I can hear a crack sound or the sound of crying pain.

 Finally, her scream of pain and the sound of a crack were welcomed to my ears.

 ?Next time, it?ll be your thigh and your right eye, but for my free time your waist will do.? I giggled. It was a pleasure seeing her writhing in pain, crying over an arm right now. How pathetic she is, if I had never enjoyed watching her in her miser, already I?ll have all four of her limbs and both her eyes removed immediately to be kept as a spare part for our crippled.

 Our army marched towards our enemy fortress. It is from there, we will begin to fight our own kind.

--------------------------------------------



So I will continue this chapter later on.

Not a very creative title I put there and I hope I don't bore anyone (my writing might be too simple or confusing like not properly). I'll fix any mistakes here, if you can point out my mistake (might be embarassingly many, again) it would be very much appreciated so I can get it fixed as soon as I can. I thought of sea turtles when I made Tortuga, and it is obvious who she is, obviously.
Now, to study maths,history *yawn*
Is that so~ *lights off* hehe, at least I used a laptop "Is that so~" I hope that came from my mind.

Nobu

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Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2013, 11:15:00 PM »
I liked it. I liked it a whole lot. It really gives the feel of Gensokyou, what with all of the characters essentially being like dolls in a story, with Alice Margatroid as the storyteller. Very "Alice in Wonderland"-esque.
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Re: The Doll of the Land Below the Wind
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2013, 12:52:02 AM »
I must say that I like the take on the dolls that you have done and I can't wait to see more of this story.