KAKASHI SPIRIT NEWS
Your source for all the latest gossip in Gensokyo
Season 125, 1st of the More Clothes Month
Annual Shipping Edition!
Awesome Reporter Hatate Himekaidou Takes a Look at Gensokyo's Power Couples <3
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's that time of year again my amazing readers! That special month of the season where I, your adorable host Hatate Himekaidou1 take a look at some of Gensokyo's most notable romantic couples!
But first, there's something special about this issue!2 Instead of typing it out like I always do, I got this great new gizmo from some uggo nerd Kappa that let's me say whatever I want into it, and it like, types it out! How awesome is that! So, I've recorded some interviews of the hottest rumored couples in Gensokyo, and boy, have I got some juicy gossip for you!
Okay, first off, I heard from one of my girlfriends that Marisa Kirisame has a thing going on with the kappa Nitori! So, I went to the foot of youkai mountain to find out the truth! And here's the recording of the interview! I skipped ahead to juicy bits, because in order to get her to talk I had to listen to her ramble on and on about her nerdy inventions and junk and how she discovered the meaning of life and blah blah blah.
Me!:"So, spill girl, what's the scoop on you and Marisa?"
Uggo Kappa:"Marisa Kirusame? What about her? She's a good friend of mine. Nice enough, though I think she may be stealing my stuff."
Me!:"So, you two are like, dating?"
Uggo Kappa:"What? No, who said that?"
Me!:"You did silly!"
Nitori:"What? No I didn't!"
Me!:"Oh yeah? Prove it!"
Uggo Kappa:"You have a recorder right there. Just play back the interview!"
Me!:"What recorder?"
Uggo Kappa:"The one in your hand."
Me!:"This isn't a recorder."
Uggo Kappa:"Than what is it?"
Me!:"Psh, you ugly people wouldn't understand."
Uggo Kappa:"...GET OUT OF MY LAB!"
So, like, not only did we find out that Nitori and Marisa are like, totally dating, we also found out Nitori has total anger issues3!
My next interview is with Alice Margatroid, who I've heard is also in a relationship with Marisa Kirisame! Can you say love triangle? In order to get this interview, I like totally had to go to the Forest of Magic and find Alice's house, which was full of all these tacky puppets. She's a total creeper by the way.
Me!:"So, Alice, I'll get right down to it, are you, or are you not, sleeping with Marisa?"
Crazy Forest Girl:"Marisa Kirisame? What about her? I kind of know her, I guess. I see her from time to time, but other than that one time we've never really had much interaction. She needs to stop stealing my stuff though."
Me!:"What? But aren't you like, a tragic forest girl who ran away from her mother to chase Marisa and like, used magic to make yourself older so you could be with her, but are sad and lonely because Marisa doesn't get that you love her and is constantly chasing other girls?4"
Crazy Forest Girl:"...No. Where did you even hear that?"
Me!:"Internet."
Crazy Forest Girl:"?You have six seconds to get out before I blow you up."
This time, not only did it like turn out that Alice is a total b-i-t-c-h, but also that she is in deep denial of her love for Marisa. It's so romantic, isn't it?
The next interview is with Patchouli Knowledge, crazy shut in girl who works in some fancy mansion for some tacky vampire girl. Ugh, doesn't she know that vampires are so outdated? Anyways, I had to like, sneak in past some guard5, and then like sneak into the library6 and stuff to get this interview, so you'd better like it! Oh, but guess who her love interest is? Marisa Kirisame! Is Marisa some kind of player who likes to toy with ugly girl's hearts7, or is she just a slut? Let's find out!
Me!:"So, Patchouli, despite the fact that you look like?that, do you still think that you can make Marisa Kirisame fall in love with you?"
Book Lady:"...You think I have a crush on Marisa Kirisame?"
Me!:"Yeah, like, everyone does! How is your relationship going?"
Book Lady:"I'll tell you how it's going. IT'S NOT GOING! I FUCKING HATE MARISA KIRISAME! THAT LITTLE BITCH KEEPS BREAKING IN HERE AND FUCKING STEALING MY BOOKS! WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE WANT MY BOOKS?! CAN SHE EVEN FUCKING READ?! OR IS SHE TOO MUCH OF A DITZY IDIOT THEIF TO CARE WHAT SHE FUCKING STEALS! SHE KEEPS SAYING I CAN HAVE THEM BACK AFTER SHE'S DEAD! WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST GO FUCKING KILL HER AND TAKE MY BOOKS BACK! THEN SH-ack!*cough**cough**hack**chocking noises*
Then she started like, choking or something because she has some kind of disgusting disease or some junk, so her assistant had to come and give her some kind of pills. Whatever. I'm not a doctor.8
So, it turns out that Patchouli does have a crush on Marisa, she's just a creepy weirdo fetish lady who wants to do weird things with Marisa in the bedroom. But, I figured I should catch up with Marisa to get both sides of the story on all of these crushes she apparently has.
Me!:"So, Marisa, is it true that you are currently dating and totally having sex with Nitori, Alice, and Patchouli, sometimes all at the same time?
Thief Girl:"What? No! Who told you that?"
Me!:"Oh, so you've broken up with them? I can't say I blame you. Those girls were like, total b-i-t-c-h-es, and Patchouli was into some totally creepy things. I would've dumped them if I were you. Except I would never be as not awesome and as lame as you."
Thief Girl:"What? No, I never broke up with any of them because I was never da-'
Me!:"Oh, so you're still dating all three of them?"
Thief Girl:"What? Where did you get th-"
Me!:"Scandal! So, here's the big question, Marisa, are you a player or are you a slut?"
Thief Girl:"What? Why would you even ask me that?"
Me!:"Ooooooohhhhh! You never answered! That must mean both!"
Thief Girl:"Are you crazy?"
Me!:"Are you coming on to me?"
Thief Girl:"What? No! How woul-"
Me!:"Ewww! Gross! Pervert! I know I'm hot, but still!"
Thief Girl:"What're you-I'm leaving."
So, not only is Marisa Kirisame a total player and a huge slut, she even tried to come onto me, making her a pervert!9 Watch out for this hoebag!
Next up is the reported love interest of Yuuka Kazami and Medicine Melancholy. I went to some creepy mansion in the center of some tacky looking field of flowers to ask Yuuka Kazami to confirm or deny this statement. Yuuka Kazami said
"Medicine Melancholy? Who's that?"
I went to an even tackier field of flowers to get a quote from Medicine.
"I don't know who that is."
Scandalous, isn't it? These two are trying to keep their love a secret! How romantic is that? So, don't spoil it by telling anyone!10
Next on the list is WrigglexYamame! One of my girlfriends told me about this one when we were gossiping, so you know I just had to check it out. I flew down into the forest to talk to Wriggle Nightbug.
Me!:"So, Wriggle, I've heard you've been messing around with Yamame?"
Gross Bug Girl:"What? Who's that?"
Me!:"Don't play dumb with me, you know who I'm talking about!"
Gross Bug Girl:"I honestly don't know who that is."
Me!:"Don't be silly, all of you insect youkai muss automatically know each other!"
Gross Bug Girl:"Insect youka-whatever. Look, did Cirno put you up to this?"
Me!:"Psh, that Nineball? No, but you must know that wallflower Spider Youkai who lives in the underground."
Gross Bug Girl:"Spiders aren't insects."
Me!:"What? They like, totally are!"
Gross Bug Girl:"No, they aren't."
Me!:"Yeah, they are! You know, for like, a princess of bugs or whatever, you sure don't know a lot about them."
Gross Bug Girl:*sigh*
After learning that Wriggle was as big of an idiot as she seemed, I traveled to the underground to meet Yamame to have her confirm the rumor.
Gross Spider Girl:"No, I am not cheating with Wriggle."
Me!:"AHA! You knew Wriggle's name, even though you claimed you've never met!"
Gross Spider Girl:"You asked me if I was cheating with Wriggle. I said no. That's it."
Me!:"But Wriggle claimed he didn't know you, but you know her! That must mean the two of you are sleeping with each other!"
Gross Spider Girl:"I don't think my girlfriend would approve of me cheating on her with her sister."
Me!:"You're cheating on Wriggle with her sister?! Scandal!"
Gross Spider Girl:"Not her biological sister no, but-wait, no, I'm not cheating on Kisume."
Me!:"You're dating Wriggle's sister! Then how come she claimed she didn't know you?"
Gross Spider Girl:"You probably just pissed her off. I know you're pissing me off."
Me!:"I don't believe you! You insect youkai have to be sleeping together!"
Gross Spider Girl:"Spiders aren't insects."
Me!:"...So what you're saying is is that you're dating Wriggle and her sister?"
Gross Spider Girl:"I'm going to politely ask you to leave before I give you the plague."
As it turns out, not only is Yamame dating Wriggle, she's also dating her sister, and I heard that the three of them get together and hold creepy three way parties! Ew! Some people are like, so gross.
Alright,so this next piece of juicy gossip comes from moi herself11! Did you know that the eternal hate that Mokou and Kaguya, those two crazy immortals, has like, blossomed into love? I totally interrupted one of their danmaku fights to bring you the unedited story.
Me!:"So, can you two address the rumors that you two are actually in love?"
NEET Girl:"...Mokou and I are eternal rivals. We are not in love. In fact, we hate each other."
Violent Pyro:"Yes. If there's one thing I know it's that if you fall in love with Kaguya she's just going to laugh in your face and send you home in disgrace to your family."
NEET Girl:"Yes. And if there's one thing I know it's that members of Mokou's family are weak ignorant fools who can't even complete 5 simple tasks, and if they lose they go whining back to their families, calling foul play even though they lost fairly."
Violent Pyro:"And if there's another thing I know about Kaguya it's tha-SCREW THIS! BITCH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
NEET Girl:"Hmph! I'd like to see you try."
At this point they like, totally went back to fighting, but I had already gotten what I wanted. These two are like the couples in romantic comedies, they start out hating each other, but then there's a ton of like, whack shenanigans, and then they end up together!
My next couple i-Oh! Lord Tenma! Hello there sir! Oh, one moment please.
Device, Power Down.
Sorry about that sir, just some new te-oh, you don't care? Well, um, okay.
...
Wait, what do you mean my gossip isn't real news! It is too real news! Most of the stuff turns out to be true some of the time! Pl-
Replaceable? Yes sir, I understand. No more gossip stories.
...
What? But it's just gossip, not-Fine. No more bogus news stories. At least I'm not as bad as that Aya chick, right?
Well, yeah her stories are more accurate but-
...Well that's not fair! Spirit photography takes time! It's not my fault if stories are a little late!
...
Well, I don't see what my grammar has to do with anything sir. My readers happen to like how I talk.
...
Second lowest ratings you say? Well that's not fair! I-
...Yes sir. I understand sir. Thank you sir.
...
Oh my god, I hate him! He like, thinks he's so totally smart and all that junk. Well, I have new for him, I'm a way better reporter than he ever was! He's, like, just some stinky old geezer! I hate him! He's a total uggo too. I swear, some day I'm gonna like, kill him or some shit like that and take over. Then maybe tengu will start writing the juicy gossip people like to hear! Ugh, well, at least he's not a white wolf tengu. They're all like, total bitches. But you know who I hate more than him? Aya. That cu-Wait, is this thing on? OH SHIT! DEVICE POWER DOWN! DEVICE OFF? AHHHH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SENDING DIRECTLY TO PRINTERS"?! STOP! STOP! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! TURN OFF YOU STUPI-
-xoxo
Hatate Himekaidou <3
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.<3
2.Other than the fact that it's super awesome!
3.Probably because she's such a fugly kappa.
4.True story!
5.Who I heard sleeps everywhere.12
6.A library is a place where ugly people go to read books.13
7.She probably picks ugly girls because you just know they're desperate.14
8.I'm too pretty for that~
9.Though I at least she shows SOME taste.
10.;)
11.<3
12.BTW That means she's slut.
13.Books are things ugly people write for other ugly people read.
14.Not like me~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aya leaned back in her chair and took a sip of her tea, placing what would probably be the last issue of Kakashi Spirit News. No big loss, it had always been just another gossip piece, albeit a terrible one. Though when Hatate tried to copy Aya's reporting style, she crossed a line.
"Um, Miss Shameimaru?:
Aya turned her attention to the Kappa sitting in the chair on the other side of her desk. Sighing, Aya unlocked the drawer hidden on the inside of the desk and shifted through her files.
"Let's see...Kaenbyou, Kagiyama, Kasodani, ah, here we go, Kawashiro."
Aya drew a photograph out of the folder and tore it in half. With a flick of her fingers she sent the two pieces flying over to the nervous kappa, who grabbed them out of the air. She scrambled out of the chair and to her feet, bowing to Aya.
"Thank you Miss Shameimaru."
"Pleasure doing business with you."
Aya grinned as she watched Nitori shuffle out the door. Once the kappa learned that she had obtained compromising photos of her, it was child's play to blackmail her into sabotaging Hatate. That idiot tengu would think twice about crossing her ever again. Opening up a second secret drawer, this one in her wall, Aya pulled out another photograph of Nitori and grinned, placing back in the folder in place of the one she had given the kappa.
"It's fun being the best." Aya thought to herself.
============================================================
I wrote this to try and get better at writing conversations. It didn't work, did it?