Maidens of the Kaleidoscope
~Hakurei Shrine~ => Patchouli's Scarlet Library => Topic started by: nolrai2 on December 28, 2011, 07:17:03 AM
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This is my psudo-scifi post-cyberpunk story that I mentioned a while back. Still not sure on the title wavering between: Lunar Eclipse, or The War of the Lights, or Second Sunrise.
Commissioner Kamishirasawa, Keine Kamishirasawa, sipped at her tea. The room she was in, was darkened as she preferred when alone. It was an open secret that the Kamishirasawa line had youkai traits, but even given the new unity in the wake of the Lunar Empire's declarations, it was not politic to remind people of her nature.
However, her office was closed, most of the floor empty. Only a few brave or foolish souls working overtime were left. Like her, the stared at multiple screens, physical security keys lying on their desk looking like ancient tablets of authority, even a few sheets of physical paper.
Here was where history was decided, where truth and story and secret swap their clothes. Whole cities were hidden and created every week, the layers of conspiracy and misrecording carefully nurtured into a thicket of deception.
After all the New Earth Government, (hardly new, after nearly two hundred years, and only one of the 3 or 5 (depending on how you count) independent governments of Earth, but well, accuracy was often a casualty of politics), was, by Law, a democracy.
The 'Rule of Law' and the 'Will of the People' were their highest principles, and therefor in the slow War, their greatest weaknesses. For what were society, wealth, justice and peace, but madnesses of crowds? And their foes ruled Madness. The traitors had weakened the Moon's power significantly, but they were no more trustworthy, and while the Moon did not care about what they had done on Earth. The Kamishirasawa remembered.
Right now Kamishirasawa was skimming the Minister of Transporation for Greater Californa's Quarterly Reports. It had the proper conclusions, and showed the requisite priority shifts, but the security level 2H version of the report did indeed seem to be missing a number of expenditures that should have been there at that clearance level and topic. With them missing the expenditures at the 3C level were obvious.
The team had recommended that this should be quietly mentioned to the Dyson limited corporation. They had bribed the Minister after all and would rebuke him also quietly. If done right his superiors should never have to acknowledge the mistake. This would in turn strengthen the Dyson group, and their anti-war sentiments, and test them to see how competent they really are.
Kamishirasawa ultimately decided that she approved though they were pushing against safe limits of infighting in the Californa Ministry and might have to cull the ranks a bit soon.
Looking at the view-screen that showed the gibbous moon, she sighed, she had to stop giving her self busy work, just because she didn't want to think about it, the signs were there. Even the time of the month was right. Unregistated migratory personalities were on the rise, and geothaumic energy production was almost 10% higher then expected. Even the Hakurei Group were moving, and they always delayed as long as they could.
Tsukiyomi was already preparing raids, which meant they had a target. What did they know, that Keine could not see?
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Thoughts? Problems? Flames?
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Hm... Solid writing so but not much to go on plot wise just yet. Sorry I can't be more helpful (though if you have specific questions....)
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Flames makes everything better. You should add more.
It's a little short, to be honest. I think it would be easier to form an opinion once you hit the plot.
Right now Kamishirasawa was skimming the Minister of Transporation for Greater Californa's Quarterly Reports. It had the proper conclusions, and showed the requisite priority shifts, but the security level 2H version of the report did indeed seem to be missing a number of expenditures that should have been there at that clearance level and topic. With them missing the expenditures at the 3C level were obvious.
Looking at the view-screen that showed the gibbous moon, she sighed, she had to stop giving her self busy work, just because she didn't want to think about it, the signs were there. Even the time of the month was right. Even the Hakurei Group were moving, and they always delayed as long as they could.
The quotes are examples of your language getting a bit technical. While it fits the theme, I found it a bit boring to read. Of particular note is this sentence:
Unregistated migratory personalities were on the rise, and geothaumic energy production was almost 10% higher then expected.
I have no idea what this sentence means. It sounds like a bunch of complicated words strung together to make the story look more bureaucratic. Bureaucracy is a rather bland topic to stick with for any extended period, although admittedly that may be a matter of differing tastes.
Characterization is good though. Gives nice strong personality traits to Keine right off the bat - veteran pencil pusher, politically skeptical, maybe even bitter about the politics of the world. Beaten into conformity with age. Though you may want to lay off the pencil-pushing part.
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Just want to say thanks. This is very useful critasism! Probably wont work on this for a little bit, but we will see.