(Good afternoon/morning/evening, I'm Ivan The Mouse and I'm posting my very first completed fanfic here in the Library. Please read, comment and criticize. And yes, it is already completed, as it is short.
Here goes nothing.)
[Disclaimer and Warning: This minor work is nothing more but a tribute to Team Shanghai Alice and their Touhou line of games. Any sale involving this work does not exist and should not happen, as it would be an outright breach of copyright laws. In other words, ZUN owns all characters and settings in this fanfiction that is connected to Touhou Project. I intend this to be read for free and it would always be like that.
Also, this work of fanfiction?s themes and content may not be suitable for younger audiences or people with certain sensitivities. Viewer discretion is advised.]
Urameshiya
?I?m so sorry, Kogasa-chan. This relationship can?t continue any longer.? Those were the words that make me realize that this was it, the moment I feared the most, the one I always foresaw when we first met. And he finally said it. Thus, everything I felt during that time was incomprehensible. I didn?t know if I was angry or disappointed or sad during that time. I could even be surprised, although I already knew this would happen to me.
I felt like something in my chest was blocking my voice from saying things I want to ask as I tried to speak out, as if that something doesn?t want me to say anything to him. I breathed once to make that something go away but at that moment, I realized that I didn?t know what to tell or ask him. There were so many questions in my head that just appeared when I heard him say these words. Yet, I don?t know if I was just dreaming or if he was just kidding or anything that would render those lines as lie or as if they never happened, never existed.
Yet here it is, those words really came out of his mouth, from those lips that always smiled for me, from those lips I used to touch, from those lips that I used to kiss. I couldn?t believe that he finally said them, that he would just end everything like this, that he would just break my heart, as if everything that happened between us in the past never really happened, as if all was just a sweet dream.
I felt my eyes water and it made me look away from him, which made him rub my face with the sleeve of his clothes, as tear ran down on my cheeks. From this, I felt his left hand touch my face, which he always did to me when I was down from all the abuse I receive from much powerful youkai everyday. Those soft hands always caressed me to cheer me up but this time, it only reminded me that this would be the last time I would feel his touch on my cheeks.
I then looked back at him straight in the face and he also looked at me, which made out eyes meet, just like that time when he told me with all support that I could make it through everything, as long as I am with him. But what he told me right now was different, and those words were ?Look, I?m really sorry, alright? I didn?t want to do this to me, to you, to us.? His tone was like begging me to understand why this must happen.
But I then asked him, with a voice so weak that it was like I never spoke all my life and only did so now, ??B-But why did you do it?? I still do not understand. If he never wanted for me to part ways with him, if he never wanted to end this relationship and if he never wanted to make me feel unloved, then why is he here right now, telling me things I didn?t want to hear, making me shed tears I never wanted to shed and making me feel emotions that would break my heart?
His hands then parted away from my face and he placed them on my shoulder, his hold on me firm yet gentle. ?You know that I live on the Human Village, right? You know how much they loathe and fear youkai, like you. I didn?t want you to get harmed by them. I only want to protect you,? he explained.
?But you said that they?ll understand, Yuuki-kun. You said they?ll accept me. You said there was a few youkai living among them. Why are you telling me now that they might kill me?? I asked of him. Did he cover up the truth so that I wouldn?t worry? Did he lie because he loved me?
At that instant, his hands slowly let go of my shoulders. He was rendered silent. He didn?t have anything to answer. And he looked down, as if he was boy who made a shameful mistake and is being lectured by his father. Was I right when I assumed that he lied to me? Is there something that he is not telling me? Is there something that?s bothering him that made him say these things? The silence he created was long enough just for the two of us to think about things like these. However, he finally broke that silence and said ??I was wrong when I told those things, Kogasa-chan. I admit that. I thought they wouldn?t mind if I brought you over to the Village. But I finally knew it when my father forced me to reveal our secret. I told him everything that we did, how we first met, how we knew we were for each other and how we loved each other. But he didn?t listen to me. He said that I must end everything and never to see you again, else he will hunt you down.?
?But I can protect myself, Yuuki-kun!? I interrupted him. He might be as well as making an excuse. Even though I?m not a powerful youkai enough for me to take on the likes of Marisa or Reimu, I am still able to do considerable harm against humans. Does he have faith in me and my abilities?
?But that?s not the point here, Kogasa-chan! What I wanted to say was?? he abruptly stopped his reply to take a slight look aside and then took a deep breath. ?...I know you could protect yourself. But it also means that if my father did try to hunt you down, I?m pretty sure he won?t take on you all by himself. And even with that, I am also sure that you could still do harm to them, if not they doing harm to you. You might even kill each other!? He said the last line with him taking a sudden straight look at me, which made me lean back a bit.
Another long and awkward silence has taken place after he said those things to me. This silence made me realize that he was just trying to protect me or them. No matter how much they?ll accept me, I realize that there are also humans who will hate or fear me. I understand that. Many youkai, I suppose, have tried or did horrible things to them. Eating them is only one of those. But why would I eat a human? I?m just a little umbrella. I love to surprise them and see their reactions but if I did really eat humans, I wouldn?t be here, talking to him, the one I loved the most?Or so it seem.
But I thought of a way for him to take back everything he said. ??Maybe we could be with each other without anyone intervening. Maybe, we could run away from them and live only with the two of us, right? I want that, Yuuki-kun! I want to be with you!?
?I want that too, Kogasa-chan, but they need me. My family needs me, especially right now. My mother is sick and her condition will only get worse if she finds out I ran away with you. And my village needs me too. I told you that I?m their only bookkeeper, right?? He then explains to me, then another few seconds of silence. Oh, I forgot about that. Yuuki had lots of responsibilities back at the Human Village. He was a busy and hardworking man. Lately, I haven?t been able to see him that much, like we used to do when we just met. I remember that time when he first brought me flowers, three springs ago. By that time, I knew there was something in the way he approaches and treats me. Seven months after that, he confessed. And everything started. Now, here he is, ending that everything, and telling me that we can?t see each other anymore. He then added, ?I have yet to train my apprentice and I just can?t leave them alone like that??
Once again, I had nothing to reply to him. It seems that there was no hope for us now, but I never wanted to part with him. I still believed that no matter how much they others disapprove of us, no matter how much they hate me and my kind and no matter how much of a busy man is was, our love will not die just like this. And so, I try to convince him.
?Hey?? I said. ?Remember the first time we met??
He nodded. ?You?had me scared when you showed up.?
I giggled. ?Yes. But you didn?t hate me when you saw me, right??
?Yes. I remember everything.?
?And remember that time when you were so down, I also surprised you? But you were laughing after that.?
?Yes. You made me happy by then.?
?And how about that time when you confessed to me? Do you still remember the flowers you gave to me??
?You wore your best clothes that time.? He said. I was trying to cheer him, but he still looked down while he was answering to me.
?Yes, you told me that it was a festival that time and you wanted to see me. That?s why I wore my best clothes.?
?But you also told me that you just borrowed those clothes, right, Kogasa-chan??
I giggled again. It seems that I was already cheering him up, although his appearance never changed. ?You really do remember, Yuuki-kun. And how about?that time when you brought me the nearest to the Human Village? I remember, the village looked so peaceful. You even pointed at where your house was. Do you remember??
He simply nodded. His expression never even changed. It was like him telling me that there was no way I could make him stop from leaving me. But no, I still insisted. I still have hope, and that hope was so desperate for him to stay with me.
I then started asking him again. ??Do you still remember that night? The one where we went deep in the woods as we laid on the grass and watched the stars in the sky? We?started to talk about your family, then it lead to us wondering when we will start a family, then I told you that I wanted our children to be as kind as you. You then kidded me that our family could start right at that moment. Then, you kissed me and? Do you remember that? All of that??
He didn?t answer, not even uttered a single word. His lack of reaction was infuriating me, as I bit my lip and started to tear up. This might only meant one thing, that my every attempt at making him stay with me was futile. He was not strong enough to fight every judging eye that was looking down on him, on me, on us. He was only thinking of himself. Why did I love such a weak man? Why did I choose him? Why was I so blind?
He then looked at me again, after averting his gaze from me during the whole conversation. He then said to me, silently ??I?m?I?m sorry.?
This infuriated me more, and the reply he got from me was nothing but scorning him with a raised voice. ?You?You selfish little human! You?re weak! You?re stupid! You?re cowardly! You used me! You made me believe that you will never leave me! You destroyed all the trust I gave to you! You lied to me! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!! ?I HOPE THAT EVERY CURSE WILL EAT YOUR SOUL AWAY! I HOPE THAT OTHER YOUKAI WILL FEAST ON YOU! YOU DON?T DESERVE A FAMILY! YOU-?
?PLEASE STOP!!!? He yelled at me. ?You say that I am selfish, but look at you! I thought you?ll understand if I told you all of these things? But you insisted on not letting go of me! Why are you doing this to me, Kogasa-chan?! ?Why?? He was crying when he said that. Everything I told him came back to me, and realized that he was right. I was being selfish. I didn?t understand that his family needed him, maybe because I never had a family myself. He was right. Why am I demanding so much from him? The thought of me being so selfish made me feel guilty, as if I committed a great mistake, a crime against him. And all the tears did not stop flowing from my eyes, as a sign of my great guilt and sorrow.
I then went closer and wrapped my arms around him. He did not hug back, but I knew he wasn?t cold to me yet. Not this time. I then placed my mouth near his left ear, and whispered him these words. ?I don?t?I don?t want to lose you but, please don?t forget everything about us, Yuuki-kun. I?I don?t want you to forget me, alright? If that happens, I will be nothing but another youkai in the woods. I will be nothing but a forgotten spirit, a lost object. I will simply be nothing. And no matter how much years have passed, no matter much you?ve married another girl or had a lot of children, no matter how much you?ve forgotten how much you loved me?Please don?t forget about me.? Letting him go was the hardest decision I?ve ever made in my whole existence, so I told him not to forget about me.
I remember, before the kind winds brought me to Gensokyo, when my owner had accidentally left me in the park of my old city, back in the outside world. I did not fully gain any sentience during that time but I was aware that he just left me. And the worst part was I really wanted for someone to pick me up and be my new owner, but my color wasn?t appealing and popular at all, at least during that time. So there I was, I had no purpose, no point for existence and nowhere to go. Abandoned. Forgotten. Had no mouth, but wanted to call out someone else to save me.
And thus, I hated being forgotten by everyone else. That?s why I started to love surprising people; because I thought that sort of practice will make them remember that I exist. I didn?t mind that people hated me because of this hobby of mine or that they thought I wasn?t surprising enough and instead was too annoying, all I wanted was for them to remember me and my name, Kogasa Tatara, the little umbrella who loves to surprise people.
I thought that my life will simply be frolicking here in this magical place and scaring people, until I met him; he who had this charming dark brown eyes and black hair; he who always dressed in simple clothes yet was handsome and cute at the same time; he who was always polite, always modest.
He was Yuuki, the one I?m hugging right now, the one who I gave all my love, trust, time, everything, the one who I thought will be with me until the end of time and the one who is now letting go of me, and asking me to do the same thing with him.
This will be the last time he will ask something from me, so I?m giving it to him, despite my will, earlier protests and scorning.
He then whispered these words to me as a reply. He finally hugs me back while saying these things. ??I?m sorry for telling you that you were selfish earlier, alright? Don?t worry about that?I might not remember your face anymore when I get old, I might not remember every little thing you?ve said for me to recall when I?m down, I might not even remember every memory we shared together. But I?ll always remember your name, as you were mine and I was yours?
?You?ll always be my little umbrella, Kogasa, and I will always be your owner. And I will be forever grateful to you, even after I?m dead? Forever.?
Those words made me feel really happy, as we share that last one kiss from each other. And as we part from each other for the last time, we give our last bows of both apology and thankfulness, and our last smiles, tearful ones, as a seal to the promises we made to each other on this day, and as the last image we will leave to each other?s minds.
Slowly but certainly, we walk away from each other while we were also looking back, until we have fully turned our backs went on to our own paths. Today, so much had happened and so much have been said to each other. But as long as we keep the vows we made, he surely could continue living without me on his side, but rather with memories of me etched on his mind. The same thing can also be said for me. I will continue to go around and surprise people. They might not like me and try to forget that I exist, but one thing is for sure.
There will always be that one boy who promised not to forget me, and that?s enough for me to be happy.
