Topic: An Urban Touhou Story  (Read 4794 times)

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Marokuu

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An Urban Touhou Story
« on: January 23, 2011, 05:56:33 pm »
Right so here's like a prologue of sorts to a story that I might or might not continue writing.

I originally wrote this as a school assignment, the only differences now being changing Marisa's name (Maria in the original), adding Mr. Kirisame's name and translating the bloody thing into English.

Without further adeú here it is


Prolouge

He had never been an overprotective parent or variety that spied on its children. It was just that Marsia had started behaving differently after her mother had passed away, and the last few days, it had become more obvious, for one thing she had become more secretive.   

He hadn't planned to read her diary or something like that (he wasn't sure if she even kept one), but he was curious if there was anything that could explain what it was she was doing. It wasn't difficult for him to find this something, it was lying at her desk, and to interpret said something was somewhat more difficult. It was a receipt from the bank her card was linked to and there were several withdrawals.

The first was to the hairdresser, he knew exactly what that meant; a few weeks ago she had come home blond without warning (sparking a short argument). The second withdrawal and a couple after it was various clothing stores, not very difficult to interpret either, around the same time she colored her hair, she had changed her style of clothing from her previous purple based style for a black and white setup (it wasn't some sort of grief clothing either which might have been a little more understandable).   

Then it became a little more difficult to interpret, a cash withdrawal? When he looked around the room, his eyes fell on an old broom which stood in a corner, looked like something she'd found in a flea market, what was she going to use that for? The next post seemed more typical; a bookstore, she went to school after all. But the price seemed to be very high for just school textbooks. Apparently, she had saved the receipt as reminder of more than what she bought, next to the book purchase she had scribbled Patche ♥ in purple letters with a small heart after. Who was that? No one he had met. And what did the heart mean? It wasn't her style to just doodle like that.   

Next business on this list was stranger still a business that specialized in parts for dolls and whole puppets made out of wood (he had been there himself to buy a gift for Marsia, they were really cute and well made), from the price he estimated it to be a complete doll. There was another note next to that purchase, Ari ♥ in yellow this time with the same type of heart. (Ari? It didn't even sound like a name, maybe the first note wasn't a name either then?).

Just a couple of purchases left on the list, first of all a tool shop, then finally a paper store.  The tool shop had Nitori ♥ (definitely a name) written in blue. By now he'd concluded that this was about some kind of presents. His daughter was going around buying gifts for people he'd never met... and possibly never would meet, seeing how secretive she had become.

He opened a cabinet at random and true enough, there were three partially used rolls of gift wrap, a purple one, a rainbow colored one and a blue one.

Maybe he was thinking too hard about this, maybe there was some sort of event at her school or she was going to some kind of party, considering her age the latter seemed more likely. Mr. Kirisame decided he might have a talk with her later on, if he could get away from work long enough.

He put the receipt back on her desk and left the room, throwing one last glance at the broom (what were she going to use it for?) before closing the door.



Any and all criticism is welcome though I personally doesn't have very high expectations on this. Also feel free to point out any weird stuff that might have made it through my translation.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2011, 12:04:51 pm by Okuugasammy »
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

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Thata no Guykoro

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story ( A.K.A me trying my hand at writing)
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2011, 08:08:17 pm »
This certainly looks like an interesting concept.

(Ooh, could the mama have been Mima? *shot*)

Marokuu

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story ( A.K.A me trying my hand at writing)
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2011, 08:11:48 pm »
(Ooh, could the mama have been Mima? *shot*)
*reloads gun*

I was planning on just naming her mother Mima at one point but I have no plans on actually bringing her up again. Right now I'm planning to just have some sort of "slice of life" setup just having everyday stuff happening with Touhou characters but hey maybe something'll actually happen :V
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Marokuu

  • Maru~ Maru~
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Re: An Urban Touhou Story ( A.K.A me trying my hand at writing)
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2011, 04:00:03 pm »
I felt like I should continue this, if nothing else to give people something more substantial to criticise.

I feel like I have too much stuff going on in this one but oh well here it is :V



Chapter 1 Historical Shenanigans

Gensoukan high wasn’t the most prestigious school in the country but it did have quite a reputation about it. This reputation stemmed partly from its (honestly quite limited) history of graduates such as the (fairly) famous mathematician Ran Yakumo, who after graduating started teaching at the school, but mostly from its unique idea of teaching all school forms, from grade school to college (the “high” in the name was mostly for show).

Marisa Kirisame was a student in one of the high school classes of Gensoukan and she was currently bored out of her mind. She’d never really been the sort that cared about what had happened in the past, constantly keeping her mind going forward, never really looking back.

This was probably the reason she had gotten over the death of her mother so fast, instead of grieving over it she had taken a step forward and decided to start a new chapter in her life, changing her looks and behavior around in time for her first year of high school. This advancing nature of hers was also the reason why she was currently bored out of her mind, history just didn’t fit well with her; she didn’t really care what happened before she was born, if it affected her in any way she wouldn’t really be able to change it anyway would she?

The only reason she wasn’t currently dozing off was the teacher: Kamishirasawa Keine sensei has an incredibly sharp aim with the chalk she keeps in a box on her desk, even though no one uses chalkboards anymore. This was something several students had learned during her first class.

While no one was currently asleep in this class, not everyone seemed to be paying full attention. One girl with short grey-ish hair and dark green eyes seemed to simply be spacing out staring out the window, if Marisa remembered correctly her name was Komeiji… something and just sitting around doing nothing wasn't anything out of the ordinary for her.

Another student that didn’t seem to be paying a lot of attention to the teacher was the girl with long purple hair next to Marisa; Patchouli was sitting with her nose buried in a book that was less related to history and more about occult phenomena. Marisa knew exactly what the book was about, seeing as it was she who’d bought it in the first place, Patchouli had been uncharacteristically excited when she’d torn off the purple wrapping during the meet up last night and as soon as it was open she had sat down and started reading.

Seems like the book really caught her attention, well Marisa was glad her present was appreciated. The other two gifts had been equally successful, granted, Alice had been a bit more restricted with her excitement but Marisa had been able to tell she’d picked the right type of doll for her, one of the stores new models, the “Luminous Shanghai Doll” (it wasn't actually luminous but hey). As for Nitori she had opened up her rather heavy present, seen the brand new toolbox and spontaneously hugged Marisa, complete with a “How did you know that was exactly what I needed?” she was always so straightforward.

Yep the present exchange idea had been a total success and…

"Kirisame-san are you listening?"
 
Marisa snapped out of her daydreaming. "Huh what? Did you say something?"

Kamishirasawa-sensei was eyeing her with a stern look on her face.
 
"Apparently not" she sighed "Well this will be coming on the test so for those who weren't listening I’d advise you to read the pages I’ve written on the board before the next class."

The teacher gestured at the board where Marisa noticed a disheartening amount of pages that had been written down while Marisa wasn’t paying attention, she groaned.

Luckily the bell rang before the teacher could say anything else and Marisa was out the door in a flash… where she promptly collided headfirst with another speedster by the name of Shameimaru Aya, knocking both of them over.
 
"Hey watch it Kirisame!" Aya said, rubbing the back of her head.
 
Marisa cradled her head in between her hands. "You too Shameimaru."
 
"Last to the cafeteria pays?" Aya had a wry smile on her face.
 
Marisa grinned, her aching head all but forgotten "Sounds like a deal."

The two girls took off faster that the teacher could say “No running in the halls”, leaving metaphorical trails of dust behind them.

Keine put her hand to her forehead. “Those two” she muttered.
 
"Hey! You feeling okay Keine?"
 
Keine looked up to see that her trainee and long time friend Mokou had a worried expression on her face "Yeah I’m fine" she said.
 
The worried expression faded into a grin "Alright cool, you wanna go grab something to eat?"
 
Keine smiled "That does sound nice, you have anywhere in mind?"
 
"Yeah I’ve found this nice Yakitori place not far from here, it’s really good." Mokou gestured down the street outside the window.
 
"Right then, let’s go. I feel like I haven’t been eating anything but history books lately." Keine said jokingly
 
Mokou raised an eyebrow "You serious?"
 
Keine giggled and boxed her shoulder "Of course not but I am hungry."
 
"Just making sure" Mokou shrugged and put her hands into her pockets.

The teacher and trainee headed out around the same time that Marisa and  Aya was trying to get through the same door at the same time subsequently getting stuck causing a roadblock for several minutes until someone could pull them out of there.



So yeah I was trying to reveal the gifts Marisa had seemingly bought in the prolouge, introduce some characters and have some humor and conversation in there as well, in the end it felt kinda crammed but I still feel like it's acceptable, I'd really like some feedback/tips on how I write conversations and... you know what just say whatever you think or this section is gonna end up crammed as well :colonveeplusalpha:

EDIT: So I tried putting in some spaces to make it easier on the eyes, it certainly is more spacious now, feedback welcome.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 11:13:05 am by Okuu »
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

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Marokuu

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story (Now with more shenanigans)
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2011, 08:23:29 pm »
It seems my pleas for criticism have gone unanswered but dang it while I have ideas I'll keep writing (and judging from the viewcount at least some people are reading it, or someone is enjoying this way too much :V)



Chapter 2 Komeiji Conundrums


Another thing that was unique about Gensoukan high was its teachers. Like the earlier mentioned Ran Yakumo, several teachers that worked at the school were former students that had started their careers as teachers at the school after graduating.

An exception to this was Satori Komeiji who had studied at the Chirei Academy before joining the ranks of the Gensoukan teachers; teaching psychology at the college part of the school. She had an amazing ability to “read” people, not only was she extremely skilled at telling the mood of whomever she was talking to, she sometimes seemed like she knew exactly what the subject was thinking. She was also slightly superstitious, always wearing a brooch with an eye motif as a lucky charm.

Additionally she was rather… on the small side.
 
She wasn't just short; her entire body, proportions included, seemed like it belonged to someone who you'd expect to find in a grade school class, not someone who'd graduated and worked as a teacher at college level.

The oddness of practically being an adult in a child's body combined with her inability to keep quiet about her constant personal analyses (imagine someone giving you an update on exactly how you feel every few minutes or so) meant she wasn't the most pleasant person to be around and consequently she wasn't really the students favorite either.

That's not to say she was universally disliked; she carried some respect among the teachers for how well she managed the students despite the aforementioned problems. She also knew some of the students by their first names (that is more than the name on the class list). One of these students was Utsuho ‘Okuu’ Reiuji, a girl majoring in physics that at a glance seemed a bit slow but had an amazing ability to learn if she put her mind into it.

Another student she got along well with was Okuu’s friend Rin ‘Orin’ Kaenbyou (the nickname was something Rin had come up with herself because she thought her last name was too long).

Orin was a bit… odd for lack of better words. she seemed to have this fascination with death that Satori couldn't seem to find a reason for, along with her own streak of superstition believing firmly that cats brought her good fortune.

These two traits had earned her the nickname of “kasha” among the students, after the mythological cat youkai that steals corpses. Orin didn't seem to mind the nickname and if she weren't bothered by it Satori wouldn't try to stop it, her own given name had earned her a few jabs of her own and she was glad the student didn't let it get to her.

Currently however, nicknames were the last thing on Satori's mind, though the matter at hand was tangentially related to the two aforementioned students. She was thinking about her younger sister Koishi Komeiji. There was a big age difference between them (Koishi had just started her first year in High School) yet they looked fairly similar, the biggest difference being their hair color. Koishi was also a bit more… normal when it came to body size, fitting in quite well visually with the other high schoolers.

However she didn't fit in quite as well socially, it wasn't like she was pushed away by the other students… she just didn't seem to care.

When they were younger, before Koishi began school and Satori's size was somewhat matching up to her age, Koishi had shown signs of being just as good at reading people as Satori was. However one day everything just changed. Satori didn't know what had happened but Koishi suddenly became reclusive and shut herself off from others. Even Satori with her skills had problems telling what she was thinking.

When she started school no change seemed to occur, she didn't seem to connect with any of the other kids and she started sort of… drifting about. It was hard to describe what she did but if she didn't want you to know she was there she just wasn't there, she became invisible in plain sight. Satori had a theory that she literally acted like she wasn't there and people simply didn't acknowledge her, but that wasn't what she was thinking of at the moment.

What she was thinking about was something Koishi had said the other day a few days after the school start. They were both in the living room of their house, Satori was reading a book and Koishi was just lazing about.

Koishi had started the conversation by rolling over in the couch, giving Satori an upside-down look. "Hey nee-chan~"
 
"Yes Koishi, what is it?" Satori was rather deep into her book but she still registered the fact that Koishi had spoken first, in a fairly cheerful tone on top of that.
 
"Today at school…" Koishi trailed of, possibly unsure on how to continue.
 
"Hmm?" Satori looked up from her book, giving her sister a look, as if to say 'go on'.
 
"I've met someone that seems reeeally interesting." She said in a dreamy (or possibly floaty?) voice.

This was even more out of character, Satori had tried introducing Koishi to new people on occasion, she had gotten along fairly well with Orin and Okuu the first time they met and they currently considered her a friend, but she'd never taken interest in someone on her own accord before.

Satori put away her book, giving Koishi her undivided attention. "Oh really who is it?
 
"It's this girl that is in my history class… her name is Marisa"
 
"That's Keine sensei’s class isn't it?" Satori was familiar with Koishi's history teacher, she was one of the people that weren't too bothered by her looks or "ability"
 
"Yeah… I kinda wanna know more about her." Koishi then rolled off the couch and "drifted" away, leaving Satori to her thoughts.

Satori felt like she had heard the name Marisa before but she couldn't remember when, she figured she could ask Keine about it after school today, if Koishi had taken an interest in her there had to be something special about her.

With these thoughts still swirling around in her head the childish looking teacher headed off towards the cafeteria, only to be blocked at a door because two students had gotten stuck and were currently in the process of getting pulled out by the gym teacher, accompanied by quite a bit of cursing from the teacher and some laughing from the spectators and one girl who seemed to be taking photos with her phone. After the door was unblocked and the students were being scolded by the teacher Satori headed on through without paying it any more mind.



Well there it is, it seems like this became more serious and it almost felt depressing while I was writing Satori's description... Why do I make my favorite character seem so sad? :( (reading this again I realise I was just tired :V
My image of their living room Danbooru link
« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 11:46:14 am by Okuu »
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Marokuu

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story (Now with more shenanigans)
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2011, 09:53:23 pm »
New installment ho!

This is another one that's based on a school assignment but while it's a bit constrained due to a character limit, I'm still pretty glad with the fact that there's more than just descriptions going on in this one.



Chapter 3 A Tiny Clever Psychology Teacher


Satori had been sitting by herself at a cafeteria table for some time before she’s decided what she would do. She then snatched up her cellphone from a pocket in her light-blue blouse and found Keine’s number.

Three signals went through before she picked up. "Hello? Kamishirasawa here."
 
"Hello this is Komeiji, psychology teacher at Gensoukan; college section." Satori felt it was always good to introduce herself properly, even if she knew the person she was calling
 
"Ah, it's been a while Komeiji-san, how can I be of assistance?" Keine sounded a bit surprised to hear her.
 
Satori cut straight to the chase "I’d like to talk with you about one of your students, is there anywhere we can meet?"
 
Keine paused for a second "I’m currently having lunch with my trainee at a restaurant nearby; the Sparrow’s, do you know where it is?"
 
"I’ll be there in five minutes" Satori hung up without further pleasantries and headed towards the restaurant at an uncharacteristically brisk pace.

Mokou, trainee at Gensoukan was in the middle of a discussion with her responsible teacher (and friend) about a subject that will go unspecified for the time being when said teacher’s phone rang. Keine picked up the phone and checked the number… then a surprised expression spread across her face.
 
"Who is it?" Mokou leaned forward to see the screen.
 
"An acquaintance of mine" Keine answered the call without further explanation. "Hello? Kamishirasawa here."

Mokou couldn’t stifle a grin when she heard her teacher’s/friend's name, it was such a mouthful.
 
Keine was silent as the caller introduced herself. "Ah,  it's been a while Komeiji-san, how can I be of assistance?
 
More silence, then Keine glanced around the restaurant before answering; "I’m currently having lunch with my trainee at a restaurant nearby, the Sparrow’s; do you know where it is? … Alright good b…"

It seemed like the caller had hung up on her, Keine frowned.

"So, who’s this Komeiji person that's joining us?" Mokou asked while weighing back on her chair.
 
"She's Komeiji Satori, psychology teacher at the school..." Keines brow was slightly furrowed, as if she was trying to decide something.
 
"You looked... surprised when you saw the number, I guess you weren't excpecting a call from her." Keine's hesitation had piqued her interest.
 
Keine gave Mokou a look, eventually deciding to speak up. "I gather you’ve never heard anything about her during your time here?"
 
Mokou tilted her head, evidently giving it some thought. "Not that I can remember, should I’ve?"
 
Keine gave a little sigh, Mokou wasn't the type to keep track of rumors an gossip "Probably not, just thought I’d check."


Keine put her elbow at the table and rested her chin in her hand. "You could say Komeiji is a bit infamous at the school, for two reasons." she started

Mokou leaned forward as well, putting both her elbows at the table for support.
 
Keine waited a moment before continuing. "Firstly, she doesn’t look completely normal, something I guess you can relate too."

The last part was said with an understanding look at Mokou… or rather her head, with its long white hair, pale skin and red eyes, typical for an albino. Mokou self-conciously stroked her hair.
 
"Second" Keine continued "she has an ability to... 'read' those she’s talking to. And not just how they feel either, sometimes it seems like she knows what her subjects are thinking.
 
Mokou's eyes widened in realisation "Aha, I can see how that would start some rumors."
 
Keine nodded "Exactly... not that you're alert enough to pick up the rumors either way." Mokou laughed.
 
"The problem is that she doesn’t seem to be able to keep quiet about what she picks up… not everyone enjoys having their thoughts broadcasted to anyone who’s listening you know."
 
Mokou nodded "Understandably enough…" then, after a moments thought she added "You said she looked different, how exactly?"
 
"You’ll see when she arrives." Keine said, offering no more explanations on the matter.

It turned out that Mokou did not have to wait long. The next person who entered the sparrow was what looked like a little girl, no older than thirteen or fourteen years, with a pink skirt, blue blouse, yellow headband and pink hair (her hair was not too unusual, there were all sorts of hair colors around here). Mokou had not given her a second glance if Keine had not beckoned her over to the table and she’d not introduced herself as professor Komeiji Satori from Gensoukan, college division.


Satori walked at a brisk pace and arrived at the Sparrow’s in three minutes with slightly elevated pulse. After entering it was no hard task to spot Keine and who she assumed was her trainee (Mokou if she remembered correctly), one with blue highlights in her hair and an odd square hat that looked like a pagoda, the other completely white with several bows in her hair. She headed over to their table and sat down, giving each of them a glance, a glance that collected a lot more information than it seemed.

Satori turned to Mokou first, giving her another glance  "I see Keine has told you a bit about me… though I’m not quite what you expected. Still I guess its common courtesy to introduce oneself; Komeiji Satori, psychology teacher at Gensoukan college division.

She extended her arm to Mokou who, after some initial confusion, took it and introduced herself in turn.
 
"Ah, err… M-Mokou, Fujiwara no Mokou, nice to meet you." She had a bit of trouble finding her words... how often do you encounter someone who looks like a thirteen year old yet talks like an adult?
 
Satori simply gave her an understanding look, as if this was everyday business for her
 
"You seem a bit shocked" she stated "Don’t worry I’m used to it; stare as much as you want."

With those words the little psychology teacher turned to her colleague, who had been quietly watching the exchange.
 
"And you’re still impressed by how well I handle people and seem to be trying to find a reason why I called and asked to come and interrupt your cozy little break."
 
Keine's brow furrowed once again, Satori really didn't know what to keep quiet about.
 
"I wouldn’t say “cozy” myself but otherwise you’re correct... why did you want to talk to me again?"
 
Pleased that she hit the mark Satori once again cut to the chase.
 
"What can you tell me about a student in your class by the name of Kirisame Marisa?
 
Keine gave it a moment, thinking back on the morning lesson.
 
"I don’t think there’s much to say, she’s energetic and I’ve heard she does well in other classes… she just doesn’t seem interested in history."
 
"Anything special about her social life?" Satori pushed on.
 
Keine shrugged "She’s rather popular, got a bunch of girls she usually hangs out with and a couple of admirers."
 
"Have you ever seen her talk to Koishi?" this was the heart of the matter for Satori, Koishi had said she'd "met" Marisa but she usually used the word only in the loosest sense.
 
"Your sister?" Keine shook her head. "Not what I can remember, she’s normally so unnoticeable I’ve started double checking during class that she’s still there."
 
Satori had stopped listening after the first part and was now lost in thought.
 
"Hmm, that’s not very helpful." She shook her head. "Something to work with I guess, not much, but something."

Satori seemed to be talking to herself more than anyone else. Suddenly she rose as if to leave but first she turned to Keine and gave a small bow.
 
"Thanks for the information; I’ll have to look into Miss Kirisame myself and see what it is about her that caught Koishi's attention."
She turned to leave but threw a last glance at the duo.
 
"It seems like you know each other rather well so I'd assume you met outside of the job so I won't feel bad for saying this. One of you is going to have to take the first step you know, unless you want to stay at the same stage forever" she smirked "just a tip."

She then left the Sparrow’s restaurant, leaving behind a furiously blushing teacher and her shocked trainee.
 
Mokou regained her composure first. "You were right about one thing." She said. "She really can’t keep quiet."

Keine simply nodded while staring at the table.



Nothing to add really except I'm happy I didn't make Satori seem quite so depressing this time ::)
« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 12:54:11 pm by Okuu »
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Marokuu

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2011, 10:24:21 am »
So after IcedFairy and the other judges of the NWC decided to be frank with me and tear my writing style a new one (thank god I can take criticism) I've decided to give the chapters I'd slready posted a facelift and now I hope it's more readable to everyone. At least that'll teach me to not integrate a style that only works in one language into another. As I said I hope it's better now and any critique on further improvement is very welcome.

I also threw in some story changes to make it seem more sensible.
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.
Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2011, 07:51:47 pm »
Okay, I've only recently actually started reading these, and I haven't fully read them, but I have a quick question: what do you mean by Mokou being Keine's "trainee"? You then called her a teacher later in that chapter, so do you mean something like a "teacher's assistant"?

Marokuu

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2011, 08:37:49 pm »
Okay, I've only recently actually started reading these, and I haven't fully read them, but I have a quick question: what do you mean by Mokou being Keine's "trainee"? You then called her a teacher later in that chapter, so do you mean something like a "teacher's assistant"?
Whoopsie a slight slip up there ^.^'
What I mean is that she's currently studying to be a teacher and is getting her practical experience or something. I don't really know how stuff like that really works but in essence she acts like an assistant teacher.
geez everytime I read this myself it comes across as even more unpolished >_>
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.
Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2011, 08:45:00 pm »
Whoopsie a slight slip up there ^.^'
What I mean is that she's currently studying to be a teacher and is getting her practical experience or something. I don't really know how stuff like that really works but in essence she acts like an assistant teacher.
geez everytime I read this myself it comes across as even more unpolished >_>
In America, they call people who are studying to become a teacher and are getting their practical experience, well, "teacher's assistants".

Also, Marisa be pimpin'.

Kips McKipzerson

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Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2011, 08:51:12 pm »
Any plans on continuing it? It seems like its a really good story, and ending it with Mokou just meeting Komeiji doesn't seem right.
Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2011, 09:02:36 pm »
Okay, now that I'm caught up on it, one of the problems I'm seeing is that there's too much "tell" and not enough "show". For instance, while introducing Satori, you also tell us how Okuu and Orin are different in this world. That's okay, but it's lazy, uninteresting writing that forces an image onto the reader rather than letting them come to their own conclusions. Plus, you're introducing those two as elements while the reader is trying to cement Satori in their minds, which is rather distracting.

Another example is Koishi's interest in Marisa: the fact that she's interested isn't really a problem, but it kind of comes out of the blue, especially since the way that we're first introduced to her is her being thoroughly uninterested in everything around her. The fact that she's thinking of Marisa in an outwardly dreamily way kind of runs headlong against our first and only impression of her.

Marokuu

  • Maru~ Maru~
  • Lurk~ Lurk~
  • Nickname: Okuu
Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2011, 09:50:13 pm »
Right, guess I will adress some replies now that I've finally got them.
Any plans on continuing it? It seems like its a really good story, and ending it with Mokou just meeting Komeiji doesn't seem right.
I will continue it when I've managed to decide how I will move on, suffering from a slight writers block and Persona stealing my free time :3

Okay, now that I'm caught up on it, one of the problems I'm seeing is that there's too much "tell" and not enough "show". For instance, while introducing Satori, you also tell us how Okuu and Orin are different in this world. That's okay, but it's lazy, uninteresting writing that forces an image onto the reader rather than letting them come to their own conclusions. Plus, you're introducing those two as elements while the reader is trying to cement Satori in their minds, which is rather distracting.

Another example is Koishi's interest in Marisa: the fact that she's interested isn't really a problem, but it kind of comes out of the blue, especially since the way that we're first introduced to her is her being thoroughly uninterested in everything around her. The fact that she's thinking of Marisa in an outwardly dreamily way kind of runs headlong against our first and only impression of her.
I agree that there's not much going on right now. I'm trying to get my writing style going so that it doesn't look absolutely horrible to start with, the next chapter will either have Koishi interracting with Orin/Okuu or Marisa.

As for the Koishi characterisation; thanks for pointing that out. I made it pretty unclear but she's supposed to be "generally" uninterested with some exceptions such as Orin and Okuu, who were introduced by Satori. I think I tried to make a point of how unusual it was for her to take interest herself and that there was something about Marisa that caught her attention but I guess I failed at getting it across... oh well something to work on for next time.

Anyways thanks for the critique, I guess the second chapter was the one that really ended up cramped and unfocused, probably because I got a bit carried away trying to jam my favourites in there as soon as possible. Here's to hoping that won't happen again o/
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Marokuu

  • Maru~ Maru~
  • Lurk~ Lurk~
  • Nickname: Okuu
Re: An Urban Touhou Story (the great revision)
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2011, 09:49:53 am »
☢CAUTION!!☢ New chapter aproaching ☢CAUTION!!☢

Well this took a while to get out, I guess that's what happens when I try to be a bit more serious and not rush stuff... it might just be laziness and Persona 4 though :3




Chapter 4 Koiusual business

After Marisa had rushed off like a speeding bullet Koishi found herself drifting through the corridors as she usually did. Due to her lack of friends in her class and the fact that she hadn’t joined any clubs her breaks usually consisted of erratically walking around in the hallways, hoping for something to catch her interest.

Today the corridors were unusually quiet; no arguments, no large groups of gossiping students and no teachers standing around. This calm was the reason Koishi was caught completely off guard when someone suddenly covered her eyes.

“Guess who!” said a familiar voice.

Koishi craned her neck as if doing a limbo dance and found herself staring up at a smiling face framed by two red braids.
 
“Hey there Orin” Koishi twisted around so that she was facing the catty college student “Oh and you too Okuu” she added when she noticed the black haired girl standing a bit behind Orin.

Okuu a.k.a Utsuho was currently engrossed in a book and simply nodded without looking up.
 
“That’s no fair Koishi” Orin pouted “you’re supposed to guess before turning around”
 
“But I didn’t turn around before guessing, I bent backwards” Koishi retorted.

Orin was one of the few people Koishi felt fairly comfortable talking to for some reason, she almost never engaged in this kind of banter with anyone else.

Orin made a dismissing gesture “Technicalities, technicalities, we all know I’m right” she turned to Utsuho “aren’t I right Okuu?”
 
Utsuho looked up from her book with a confused face “Unyu~? What were you talking about? I wasn’t listening.”

Orin applied her palm to her own forehead, causing an audible smacking sound. “Geez Okuu, can’t you at least try to pay attention to things that are going on around you?”
 
Utsuho looked offended “I was paying attention, I just wasn’t listening.”

Orin gave her a blank stare before turning back to Koishi. “Anyways we were heading over to grab something to eat at the cafeteria, you care to join us?”
 
Koishi tilted her head a bit before slowly answering “Well I am on break right now so-“
 
“Great let’s go, I have something to tell you.” Orin grabbed her arm and started pulling her down the corridor before she had time to finish. Utsuho trailed behind the pair, her nose yet again buried in the book.


The school cafeteria didn’t have the greatest range of dishes in the world; most students preferred to eat at some of the nearby restaurants or brought their own lunches, but it was acceptable.
Koishi and her friends picked their meals and went to sit down at a table in the back… correction: Koishi and Orin picked their meals… Utsuho pulled up a lunchbox from her backpack after sitting down.

Koishi leaned over to have a look at it and was met with a pretty nicely arranged lunch
 
“Hmm I didn’t know you cooked Okuu” she said, more to have something to speak about than out of genuine interest.
 
“She really doesn’t” Orin chimed in “that’s something I threw together from yesterday’s leftovers”
 
Koishi turned her head away from the lunchbox over to Orin “Right, you two live together… but why don’t you have one as well then?”
 
Orin looked away and scratched her chin “w- well I only had time to make one and Okuu looked like she really wanted it so-“
 
Utsuho cut her off after swallowing a big chunk of rice. “Orin handed it to me on the way to school saying she thought I needed it more than she did” 

Orin bonked her on the head before changing the subject. “Well I wasn’t looking around in the halls for you just to talk about our culinary escapades”


She adopted a mysterious face and pushed her bowl of food aside as Koishi began eating. “Have you ever heard about the graveyard down by the lake Koishi?”

The instant she mentioned a graveyard Utsuho tuned out the conversation and went on eating while mentally reciting physical formulae.

Koishi however, offered her some attention between bites “mhm maybe~” she thought about it “… nope” she shook her head.

Orin nodded “well there’s this rumor that if you go there during a moonlit night…” she lowered her voice “you will see your former self”

Koishi’s eyebrow rose, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

Orin shrugged “I’m not sure but we’re thinking of investigating it tomorrow night, during the full moon”

Now Utsuho spoke up, “I’m hoping that’s a royal ‘we’ you’re using there because I’m not coming”

Orin pouted, “whaat? Come on Okuu don’t tell me you’re afraid of ghosts?”

Utsuho shot Rin a glare before replying “you know full well that I’m not afraid of something that cannot exist” she glanced at Koishi “do I need to remind you what happened on our last excursion in front of Koishi?”

Orin suddenly started avoiding Utsuho’s glare “oh that… well, err don’t worry she doesn’t need to know about that”

Utsuho looked unconvinced, she opened her mouth to speak but Orin stopped her by wildly flailing her arms “all right, all right I won’t bring a shovel this time, just don’t tell her”

 Koishi, having stayed silent during the exchange, finally spoke up, “I’ll come with you, but I want Okuu to come along too.”

“I knew I could count on you Koishi-chan” Orin practically leapt over the table and started hugging Koishi, somehow avoiding knocking any plates over in the process.

Utsuho sighed, I guess I’m going to have to come with you then, if nothing else to keep you from bringing Koishi into something weird” she adapted a stern face “but if I see a shovel we’re both out of there.”

Orin winked “don’t worry this will be strictly professional”

“How can you be professional about something like this” Utsuho muttered under her breath.



I've had that shovel line floating around in my head for weeks now and in the end it didn't come out exactly as I had initially planned :derp:

And that's pretty much all of the ideas I've had about this story so far, I'm gonna have to ransack my brain to come up with a continuation to this... we'll see how it goes.

[insert usual pleas for criticism here]

EDIT: I can't seem to make up my mind on whater to write 'Rin' or 'Orin' sticking with Orin right now since practically everyone calls her that in story.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2011, 09:57:16 am by OkUU »
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Alfred F. Jones

  • Estamos orgullosos del Batallón Lincoln
  • *
  • y de la lucha que hizo por Madrid
  • Staff
  • LOOK AT ME
  • Nickname: Sakura Rurouni
Re: An Urban Touhou Story
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2011, 07:07:53 pm »
I... I don't know how I ended up here, especially with seven months since the last update. I think it was your signature, Marokuu!

The "shovel" line is either a throwaway noodle incident reference or a Chekhov's gun. I like the idea of the second one best, mostly because I get a kick out of the idea of Rin smashing baddies in the face with a shovel.

This is a good start to a story! I haven't quite figured out who your main protagonist is-- looks like it was Marisa at first and then we switched to Satori. Also, you definitely need to work on the ends of your sentences, particularly your commas-- that last segment there had so many missing commas that it grew truly distracting. As for Orin/Rin, the compromise I've made between the two is to refer to her in the narration as Rin, but have the others call her Orin. I don't honestly like the name Orin, though, so if you like it, then ignore Rin and stick with Orin exclusively.

Seven months later and all, but I'd like to see this continue.

Marokuu

  • Maru~ Maru~
  • Lurk~ Lurk~
  • Nickname: Okuu
Re: An Urban Touhou Story
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2011, 10:19:06 am »
Okay now I know that the universe is screwing with my mind, I just started working on the next chapter as another school assignment... and then someone replies, fancy that.

And yeah both of your points are the two things that I have a real problem with, commas and staying on focus, the next chapter will be about Okuu/Rin/Koishi, while bringing in another character. I haven't started translating it yet though but... hey, it'll show up sooner rather than later.
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.
 

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