Topic: The Scarlet Overture  (Read 1235 times)

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  • Neophyte
The Scarlet Overture
« on: January 16, 2011, 05:42:58 pm »
Hello, this is the first fanfic I every write, and i need feedback, so please tell what you think.
first I want to tell you is English is not my first language, so you can be certain that you’ll find some engrish in it, please don’t annoy and close this page, but please tell me so I can fix it.
Well, that everything I want to say, please enjoy yourself, and please tell me how you fell about it.

Edit : well, i decide to rewrite it, please tell me what you think.

A strange scent has waken him, Ariel slowly open his eyes.Where am I? He was sure that, after many day of lost, he has collapsed in the middle of forest. But now he’s lie on a bed. 

The room he is in made of wood, decorated with both strange and normal looking furniture, such as, the skull of goat hanging on the wall, a strange looking device that he never see before, three bookcase, one table, there are many thing lei on the floor, but before he had a change to look at them the door had been open, one woman come in.

She’s dress in a black long dress, her sleeve covers her arm, her skirt long down to her knee, her belt is also black, but its buckle is silver, engrave with strange symbols. Her purple hair are long to her black, her purple eyes are look at Ariel.

“So, you awake” she said “how do you feel?”

“Where am i?” Ariel ignore her question “How long I have sleep”

“Drink this first” she sits beside his bed, and hand a glass of water. “It’ll make you feel better”

Hesitantly, he takes the cup, the liquid inside look like normal water but has a strange smell. “Don’t worry. It’s not a poison” she said after saw his hesitate.

Well, if she wants me dead, she won’t help me in the first place. Ariel takes one deep breath and swallows the liquid in on gulps. Warm feeling spread all over his body, he feel like all of his tiredness was gone.

“Feeling better now?” the woman ask, Ariel slowly nod.

“Good” she look straight in to his eyes “now tell me, what are you doing in this forest, don’t you know that it dangerous here?”

“…” Ariel don’t sure if he could tell her his reason, she might help him, but by living in this forest,  mean that she’s not human, and might be minion of the scarlet vampire.

“Look” she said after see his silence “I save your life, let you sleep on my bed, clean your wound, and brew potion for you” she said in a serious voice “I have right to know what’re you doing here”

Ariel sign before answer “I… have no choice”

“And why is that” her voice become curious.

“Because…, I must kill the scarlet vampire” his voice was soft, almost like whisper, but it’s filled with determined and rage. His hand grip the blanket tightly, angry rise in his mind every time he think of that demon. But he quickly clams himself.

“Are you out of your mind?”  Her eyes get wider “you will be dead even before get out of this forest!”

Well, maybe he will, no one is his right mind will ever take a step on this forest, which is the entrance to the land of demon, let alone try to kill one of the most powerful demon on this continent. He’ll not surprise if this woman will try to stop him. But…

“Could you tell me the reason” she asked “I might be able to help you”

He raise his eyebrow, is this woman just offer him a help?

“You see, I’m a witch” she explain “I’ve always try to get my hand on as much grimoire as I can”

“And I hear that the scarlet vampire own many grimoire. So, if willing to tell me you reason. We might could made a deal that…, benefit for both of us”

A witch? Ariel has heard many tales about them, but never meets any of them before, but their supposed to be very wise, and their magic said to be powerful. If she really a witch her magic might be useful to me.

“Well...” after think for a while he star to tell her, why he went into this forest, knowing that he might die along the way, and why he had to kill the scarlet vampire.

It’s all was for her
For his beloved one
For Remilia

« Last Edit: January 18, 2011, 05:43:05 pm by chaos1316 »


  • Neophyte
Re: The scarlet overture
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2011, 03:13:59 pm »
rewriting in progress now.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2011, 05:44:05 pm by chaos1316 »

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