Entry 51:
Today was a dream, to say the least. I can't believe the feelings I was having last night, I didn't think something like that would ever cross my mind. In fact, I'm somewhat not convinced myself.
I'll admit, both of us had a little sake in us last night, so it might have just been that talking. Yet, this morning, I instantly smiled when I woke up to see Marisa facing me, still asleep. It's so unreal...I've been floating all day, wondering whether or not I'm actually awake, or if I really just fell asleep before writing what I did yesterday. To think I would write something like that...
Today was dreamy. I already wrote that, but I'll say it again. I barely did anything, I just keep thinking about yesterday. Seeing Marisa...it's so strange. I'm not used to these things, these feelings. They're ethereal to me, almost as if I was under some sort of influential force.
I'll name that force "sake" for now, but...I just don't know.
Entry 52:
I just can't shake the feeling of that night...I don't know if I should give into it or not. I care about Marisa dearly, that's for sure, but to turn to the choice of romantic thoughts...
Marisa says things shouldn't be awkward, but she always says with friends. Friends...That's the key word. If I try to go for her heart, or give into my own selfish desires, then we'll stop being friends, and go one of two ways: Lovers or strangers.
Can I afford to take that risk?
Entry 53:
I was out in the Human village today picking up a few things when I ran into Marisa, which is strange because she hardly visits the village. It's odd seeing her again, especially after what I've said about her. She greeted me kindly, but all I could think about was seeing her asleep and adoring every second of it...Does that make me a bad person? To subconciously shrug off whatever she's saying and only think of her in the selfish ways I did?
If this becomes a pattern, I won't be able to live like this. I enjoy seeing her of course, but if I'm condemned to sit here and toy with thoughts of love and then betrayal because of love, then I want no part in this. I can't deal with something like that.
However...I did miss her. Even if it was for only a few days.
Entry 54:
I can't stand it. I can't work. At all. I thought I would have solved this problem by letting some steam off that night or something, but things have only gotten worse...
It really is love, isn't it?
Love...To write such a word is really strange for me, especially since I know who I'm writing it about. To love Marisa. Love Marisa...Marisa Kirisame. It's so strange, and yet, somewhere in my heart, I feel like it's so right. I can't properly write down all the feelings that are going through me at the moment, but I will say that it's like nothing I've ever felt before. I don't know what to do with these feelings, but I doubt I can simply get rid of them.
Entry 55:
I've been straying away from writing what actually happens in my life, and instead I've been writing more and more about Marisa. Maybe I really am obsessed like I wished I never would become...I can't let Marisa know about my feelings. There's no way. She wouldn't take it the right way, and our friendship would be ruined.
I can't ruin our friendship. Not for anything. If anything, I'll just repress these feelings I'm having for her...It's just a crush, I can't call it true love. I have to respect her as well, not just act selfishly and ruin the beautiful friendship that we share. To do that, I think, would be just about the worst thing that I could possibly think to have happen.
I'm going to see Marisa tomorrow. I need to see if I can stop myself from having these thoughts, or at least keep them to myself.
Entry 56:
I can't do it. Every time she smiles at me, I can't look her in the eye without having my mind go blank and my heart begin to race. Why me...Should I enjoy the thought, or condemn it? I don't know if Marisa is aware, I hope not, but I'm thinking such vastly different thoughts of her than she is of me, no doubtedly. I highly doubt she's thought of me in any sort of romantic way, she's just not like that. She's very free spirited, I don't see that kind of emotion weighing on her on any sort of consistent basis. Or can love even be called a burden?
I don't know any more. Ever since that night with her, I haven't been able to think straight at all. I just keep going back to Marisa, her smile, how gloriously lively and bright she is...I'm doing it again.
This can't be real. It's just a phase. I'll get over this. Just because she's cute doesn't mean I have to go head over heels...
Entry 57:
She showed up at my house again, and asked what was wrong with me yesterday. I told her off, because I don't want her to know how I feel, or think I feel, about her. I might have yelled a little bit harshly though, because she looked somewhat disheartened when she left my house...I feel bad. But I can't let her know about my selfish thoughts, things can only go downhill if I make a wrong move. I can't risk losing her as a friend, that'd be devastating, more than words in a book could ever convey.
I'm reading over the past week or so's entries, and they're starting to all look the same. It's weird...I really do think of her that much, don't I? Maybe I should get some distance between us. That'll probably end this stupid charade.
I have to apologize for yelling first though.
Entry 58:
I guess cherry red is my color of choice. I feel like such a fool.
I can't even take a simple hug from her anymore without feeling my heart jump. I used to think nothing of it, maybe even a bother, but now...There's no denying it, I like her. I apologized to her, but she just hugged me and said that things would all be ok because we're friends.
Friends. Are we? She likes me a lot, but I know she doesn't like me in the way I like her...Can one friend harbor such feelings and have the other still be counted as a friend? Or are they more akin to a target in the first's eyes...only there for the purpose of fufilling their desires. I can't become like that. There's no way I can sit in the shadows, wishing Marisa would come see me so I can pretend to be friendly, just so I can be close to her. I just...just can't. That sort of idea is simply vile, I could never take advantage of her like that.
At least in my own house, in my own mind, my actions and thoughts are my own.
Entry 59:
I'm going to try to avoid Marisa for a few days. Today was the first day of doing so, but luckily seeing how I saw her yesterday, I doubt she would have missed me too much. If I can avoid seeing her, maybe I'll lose sight of what I found so appealing in her, so we can go back to simply being friends. Or rather, I can go back to simply wishing nothing more of her than friendship, considering she has done nothing wrong.
It's only been nine days since that night, and look how I'm acting. It's making me think that perhaps I was feeling the way I do toward Marisa for longer than I realize, but I only just realized it when I was so close to her. That means this endeavour I am about to embark on may be harder than I expected...I can't give up, however. If Marisa found out about these thoughts I've been having, she'd most likely be disgusted at me. She'd probably feel like she had made a terrible mistake choosing to sleep next to me, knowing what I was thinking as I laid next to her. This is why ending these stupid feelings is critical. I can't risk losing her.
Entry 60:
I did nothing but try to work all day on my projects. It was slightly distracted work, but I attempted to stay focused as well as I could. Still no sign of Marisa, but I'm going to take this as a good sign, considering what I'm trying to do.
Entry 61:
Nothing today worth noting, other than the fact that I'm beginning to feel very restless. I can't stop thinking about her whenever I have any down time, which is simply impossible to avoid altogether every day.
Entry 62:
I can't do this. I just can't. It's impossible to stay away from her for this long and be sane...
I feel like an animal. Less than a person. Almost like I'm addicted to her, and that I'll go crazy if I don't get my fix. It's not right. Not natural. And yet, the feeling persists.
I miss you, Marisa.
Entry 63:
She came over to visit today. She had been wondering where I went again, saying I've been acting kinda weird the past week. I'll admit to myself that I have been, but never to her. I tried to blow it off as if she was imagining things, but I doubt it worked. I was torn on whether or not to be mad at her for breaking my streak of trying to not see her, or if I should have been overjoyed that she came to visit. I think that, once again, I just ended up as an awkward mess in front of her, as cherry red is my color of choice once again. Either she didn't notice or didn't care, however, because she made no comment on my strange behaviour.
I missed her so much, and I was so happy to see her, but I just can't go on living like this. I must not be very strong, not nearly as strong as she is, if I can't deal with these stupid little emotions for even a couple weeks. I'm a pathetic little girl inside, and it's very unnerving to think that Marisa doesn't know that about me. She's friends with a nutcase, and she doesn't even know it.
I don't know what to do.
Entry 64:
I went to the Shrine today to see if I could get some advice from Reimu, because she seems to look at situations without too much bias. Or, at least ones that don't involve troublesome Youkai. But Marisa was there as well. She tends to go to the Shrine a lot, so maybe I should have expected this. This time, though, when Marisa greeted me with that smile of hers, I couldn't bare to look her in the eye. I know what would have happened if I did. But even more scarily, is what she said afterward, because it's still ringing in my head, clear as day.
"Oh Alice, stop being so tsundere, ze~"
I think she was joking, but if she wasn't, boy am I in trouble. She's compeltely noticed everything I hoped she didn't, and I can't exactly "take back" what I've already done.
I'm not a tsundere...am I? No...I'm just trying not to ruin our friendship.