Author Topic: Three's Just Loud  (Read 4925 times)

YukkuriPaste

  • Taking it easy.
  • Always.
Three's Just Loud
« on: April 11, 2011, 03:17:45 PM »
"Sakuya! Sakuyaa!" the piercing shriek rattled the mansion. Without any more signs, Sakuya immediately knew something was up. At the speed of sound, she ran up the stairs to Remilia's room, slipping occasionally in her haste. She burst through the door, and the handle left a dent where it hit the wall. Remilia was waiting for her, and she was sitting underneath the window. She was shaking, crying and covering her head. Sakuya immediately ran to her and knelt beside her.
"Mistress Remilia! What is it?" she asked calmly, trying not to show her panic.
"There's people outside! They just burst into the mansion grounds! I'm scared!" wailed Remilia. Tears were running down her cheeks and leaving wet patches on her dress. Sakuya held her close, comforting her. At once, she heard Meiling outside, shouting.
"Hey! Get... get back here!! I'm going... to... to destroy you!" Meiling was screeching, with exhaustion. Sakuya lifted her head out of the window and was shocked at what she saw. In the Mansion's garden, standing proud and laughing, were three youkai. Sakuya couldn't see their faces, as the sun's harsh glare reflected off of the water in the fountain and made it all but impossible to see.
"I heard them fighting! China stood no chance!" Remilia blurted, and her tears came in a fresh flow. Sakuya cupped Remilia's face in her hands and spoke to her in a tone that even she thought was too harsh.
"Mistress Remilia. I need you to do me a favour. Stay up here and don't let them see you! I'll go and inform the maids. Then I'll go and tell Patchy and Koakuma. Whatever you do, stay here! Ok?" Sakuya stood up and walked out of Remilia's room, bowing deeply before she left. Remilia sniffed a few times as she watched the door close, and then curled up in a ball under the windowsill.

"Patchouli! Patchouli!" shouted Sakuya, looking all around the library. "Patchouli!" Sakuya was losing her patience, when she saw Patchouli's head poke around a bookshelf.
"Yes?" her voice quietly inquired. Sakuya couldn't believe how oblivious Patchy was to panic. She was almost jealous.
"Youkai have broken into the mansion grounds. If they come in here, you and Koakuma fight them off."
"Yes. Will do." Patchouli had said this as if Sakuya had only asked her to find a book for her. Sakuya left her thoughts in her mind and continued in telling Patchouli her tactics.
"I'm going to try and get some of the maids to lure them in here. If you can't defeat them, at least weaken them."
"How many are there?"
"Three. They just got past China scot-free."
"I see. Koakuma and I will do our best." said Patchy. Sakuya could almost see a glint of determination in Patchouli's bottomless eyes.
"Thanks." with that, Sakuya ran out of the library, slamming the door with speed. She decided to go down to Flan and tell her. It couldn't hurt.

"So... you want me to play with our visitors?" asked Flandre. Her childlike perception was actually endearing, in Sakuya's opinion. She swung her legs on her bed and smiled, obviously intrigued by the news.
"Yes, if you could. They've come to visit you." Sakuya lied. She knew how prone Flandre was to, and I quote, "destroy visitors" on occasion. Sakuya was taking advantage of this, and and she was hoping that Flandre wouldn't see her lie.
"Okay. When can I play with them then?" inquired Flandre, eagerly. She stopped swinging her legs and leaned forward. Sakuya couldn't let her down now.
"I will give them some tea, then bring them here." the word's just seemed to flow from Sakuya's mouth. She couldn't believe how easy a tale was to spin. Sakuya gave a small bow then exited Flandre's basement room. She checked her knives, making sure they were in quick and easy reach. They were. Sakuya ran towards the foyer. Up the stairs, silently as she could. Round the spiral stairs, ever more silent. Across the hallway and through the door. There she thought the visitors would be.. How wrong she was. All she saw were most of the maids scattered across the floor, defeated. I'm too late, she thought. Panic rushed through her mind. She couldn't think straight. Had they gotten to Mistress Remilia yet?
"No... they couldn't..." then it hit her. The library was the closest to the foyer. They'd probably gone there. She burst through the library and was nearly hit by one of Patchouli's spellcard bullets. The battle was intense. Two of the three youkai lay defeated, and Koakuma was making sure they stayed that way. Patchouli was heading off the strongest one. Sakuya ran to Koakuma, and told her to help Patchouli. Koakuma nodded once and flew off, using back-up bullets to make it impossible to graze. The youkai dodged them expertly, with such speed and precision that it was almost unnatural. Sakuya tried to pick up what she could from them, but all she could see was blurs of all colours. She bit her bottom lip in anxiety as she saw Patchouli faltering. They must have been fighting for ages. But the youkai seemed rared for more. But, in a blast of a bomb, Patchouli fell and bounced from the floor, defeated. After a second, Koakuma fell down and landed next to her.
"Patchouli!" Sakuya screamed. Usually any "visitors" wouldn't get past Patchy, but today was an exception.
"Well, well, well. Looks like I got past the little magician and her compadr?. Let's see how I fare against the Perfect Maid, Sakuya Izayoi." the youkai teased, laughing and taunting Sakuya. Sakuya straightened up and glared at the youkai.
"Of course. But, first, wouldn't you want to see the Mistress? She's been dying to see you." Sakuya said this as menacingly as she could. The youkai looked startled, and Sakuya knew at once that she had touched a nerve.
"S-sure. Why n-not?" she stuttered. The poor girl knew nothing about which mistress Sakuya was taking her to. Sakuya grinned and held out her hand.
"Come on then. I'm sure you'll have a great time."

"Sakuya? You brought the visitors!" squealed Flandre, her voice eager and high.
"No, only the one. The other two had... other business to attend to." Other business as in Patchouli or Koakuma, Sakuya thought to herself. She pushed the trembling youkai towards Flandre and locked the door.
"Have a nice play. I'll come up later with some more tea!" sang Sakuya, leaning against Flandre's door. Knowing what would ensue, she ran out of the basement and up to Remilia's room.

"How are we going to replace the wall to Flandre's bedroom, Sakuya?" asked Remilia over the morning tea.
"Oh, we've already got top maintenance working on that." answered Sakuya in her most innocent voice.
   After the fight with Flandre, the youkai still had fight left in her, but she had no will left. She begged to be set free, and she clung to Sakuya, covered in dirt and dust from the rubble. Sakuya just smiled and forced her to rebuild Flandre's room. Once she did, along with the other two youkai, they would be set free. Rather a good deal, don't you think?


So, what do you think? It's a fanfic I wrote back about a year ago, and it's been collecting dust in my Fanfiction folder, stuffed away amongst Touhou cursors, games and music. It was my first every fanfiction, so please be nice!

Big thanks to iK for the avatar!!

Kips McKipzerson

  • I never did learn
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2011, 03:40:37 PM »
I can only assume this is back when Remi was still a child, correct? Because she has too big an ego to be crying about anything.

Hanzo K.

  • White Tiger Shikigami
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Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2011, 10:25:31 AM »
What are you talking about Kip?
She's always had that ego. :V
And that's why folks love 'er, it's one of the constants for her across fanworks.
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YukkuriPaste

  • Taking it easy.
  • Always.
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2011, 03:06:38 PM »
Well, I always write Fanfic with Remi as a dere-dere child. It just seems to be more entertaining  for me  :3
If you don't like it, fair enough. I wrote this ages ago anyway! It was probably when I was a bit of a Touhou newb. I didn't know whether to name the intruding youkai... but I couldn't make up my mind  :ohdear:

Big thanks to iK for the avatar!!

Jq1790

  • Wow I'm back to playing this game.
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Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2011, 05:52:05 PM »
Well, it seems ok, but I can see potential for this to be something much bigger than the short piece you've got here.  Why were those youkai invading the SDM?  You should, like you'd thought of doing, perhaps give them names, describe their abilities(Both actual powers and anything they can do with danmaku, (sort of like how Sakuya can stop time, both normally and in a Spell Card Duel, where she uses her powers to confound the opponent as she chucks knives at them.)

Also, perhaps try going into more detail during the fighting.  Considering the One Week Magician and Perfect and Elegant Maid were involved in battling there's a lot of room for some intense battle scenes.  (One thing that might help if you did something like that would be to research some of their spellcard names if you don't know them, and have them use their in-game spellcards during the story.  It'd add some relatability to things, since people who play the games would quickly recognize the names and get better mental imagery, y'know?

Also noticed the lack of shrine maiden and ordinary magician(Which isn't a bad thing, mind you, though I don't necessarily dislike them).  Considering when strange things happen, they're all but always on the case, it might be worth taking some time to give plot details why they're not doing stuff.  Could be as simple as the youkai made sure not to do anything suspicious until they got to the SDM, for an example.

tl;dr Good idea, make it longer, add detail especially during fights, and where in the world are Marisa and Reimu?
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Kips McKipzerson

  • I never did learn
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2011, 06:40:57 PM »
They're takin' it easy, ofc JQ.
Well, I wont lie; This was actually pretty good for a first fanfic.

YukkuriPaste

  • Taking it easy.
  • Always.
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2011, 08:59:27 PM »
Well, it seems ok, but I can see potential for this to be something much bigger than the short piece you've got here.  Why were those youkai invading the SDM?  You should, like you'd thought of doing, perhaps give them names, describe their abilities(Both actual powers and anything they can do with danmaku, (sort of like how Sakuya can stop time, both normally and in a Spell Card Duel, where she uses her powers to confound the opponent as she chucks knives at them.)

Also, perhaps try going into more detail during the fighting.  Considering the One Week Magician and Perfect and Elegant Maid were involved in battling there's a lot of room for some intense battle scenes.  (One thing that might help if you did something like that would be to research some of their spellcard names if you don't know them, and have them use their in-game spellcards during the story.  It'd add some relatability to things, since people who play the games would quickly recognize the names and get better mental imagery, y'know?

Also noticed the lack of shrine maiden and ordinary magician(Which isn't a bad thing, mind you, though I don't necessarily dislike them).  Considering when strange things happen, they're all but always on the case, it might be worth taking some time to give plot details why they're not doing stuff.  Could be as simple as the youkai made sure not to do anything suspicious until they got to the SDM, for an example.

tl;dr Good idea, make it longer, add detail especially during fights, and where in the world are Marisa and Reimu?

Yeah, I do see your point! I should probably write another one with Reimu and Marisa. I'm currently working on another fanfic now. It's mostly mystery, and it stars Shameimaru, obviously. I'm going to include Reimu in that one, and I'll really try to squeeze Marisa in there somehow. So far, I've got Eirin, Reisen, Tewi and Kaguya in there, but it's only a brief cameo when Aya's chasing up gossip.

Big thanks to iK for the avatar!!

YukkuriPaste

  • Taking it easy.
  • Always.
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2011, 11:08:45 AM »
Oh, and JQ, thank you SO MUCH for the picture! I lol'd so much! I was going to photoshop a picture of a yukkuri, make it look like a bite was taken out of them and draw in red bean paste  :D
but your picture is WAY better  :]

Big thanks to iK for the avatar!!

andrewv42

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Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2011, 01:16:55 PM »
It's always excellent to see new members here. I just felt like offering a small, very small criticism which I felt I should provide. Please don't consider this inimically.  :ohdear:

Quote
At the speed of sound, she ran up the stairs to Remilia's room, slipping occasionally in her haste

I thought it seemed a little imbalanced to have such an evocative metaphor combine with a phrase like, "She ran up the stairs." Personally, I would arrange your sentence a little so it would appear as; "She sped up the stairs to Remilia's room, exceeding the haste of sound, her alacrity inducing her to flounder in her step."

I find that your dialogue flows quite effortlessly, though; I can picture a proper exchange when I read the conversations of your characters. I totally agree with Jq1790 that this circumstance that you have crafted has immense potential for expansion.
I eat squirrels.

YukkuriPaste

  • Taking it easy.
  • Always.
Re: Three's Just Loud
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2011, 06:37:46 PM »
It's always excellent to see new members here. I just felt like offering a small, very small criticism which I felt I should provide. Please don't consider this inimically.  :ohdear:

I thought it seemed a little imbalanced to have such an evocative metaphor combine with a phrase like, "She ran up the stairs." Personally, I would arrange your sentence a little so it would appear as; "She sped up the stairs to Remilia's room, exceeding the haste of sound, her alacrity inducing her to flounder in her step."

I find that your dialogue flows quite effortlessly, though; I can picture a proper exchange when I read the conversations of your characters. I totally agree with Jq1790 that this circumstance that you have crafted has immense potential for expansion.

Allow me to remind you that your sentence-arranging left me with a wtface. MY BRAIN NO COMPREHEND! No, I'm joking~, but it's still a little overly.. uh.. brainy for me. I are smart, though  :3

Big thanks to iK for the avatar!!