SECRET SANTA, WHEREIN PURVIS LEARNS THAT HIS HAND SHAKES LIKE A DRUNKARD DESPITE NEVER DRINKING A DROP.
Neohio. The land that prosperity forgot. Here we see a vibrant Neohioan field, across the road from my main window. A colorful view like this is rare to find in my state.

And here we have a box! My lovely assistants were obscuring the address, but as you can see, my horrible shaky hand made it unnecessary.

My lovely assistant Kisume, you all know well. And she is joined by Dizzy, whom those that know me from the old days (Read: Emouse) would recognize as Waifu Prime, from back before Waifu was even a thing! Today is her birthday, as Stuffman can surely tell you!

KITTY! But how are we to open this?

Oh lovely assistant, that's your answer to all of life's problems.

Not that you're particularly wrong, though.

A WARNING!!!!!! But who are the Moth SS ...Are the Nazis onto me? The StormTrumpers, perhaps? We shall have to proceed with caution...

Hmmm. Waste and desolation. But as a resident of Neohio, I am used to such things and we dig in without hesitation!

Gasp! Dramatic Lighting my sister's phone could not correct for and spazzed out over for like five literal minutes! It's...a cryogenic capsule!

It's a shrine maiden! Her hugeness is supreme!

Lovely Assistant II has detected a secret passage!
OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAA
UFO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
TAMUSIC AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
KOKYO ACTIVE NEETS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CAFE DE TOUHOU 6 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
TOUHOU EUROBEAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
MORE EUROBEAT I CAN'T FIND ON VGMDB AAAAAAAAAAA
WHEW! All that screaming gave me a headache. Oh, and it seems the lovely assistants have found something else?

A lovely bag! Lovely!

And here we have a close-up of the miko so ice cold she frozen herself in place. What amuses me is that this us the UFO version, but includes a Miracle Mallet. Also what seems to be a purple version of the Jeweled Branch of Hourai? And what I assume is her loot bag from when she visited Mayohiga.
Anyways, I took a peek at the customs sheet, and apparently this is like...9000 yen worth of stuff?! Holy shit, either my secret santa spent way too much on me, or is an accomplished shoplifter. The best part is, because it was sent from good ole Japan, I cannot say for certain who it was, because everyone knows Forza works there as a purchase agent, and would likely be amenable to routing a treasure box for an Unseen Santa! (HINT HINT PLUG HINT)
As such, I rightly have no clue who this generous thief really is =D Thank you very much, you made my morning, and this will outvalue pretty much all the rest of the stuff I get today, guaranteed. (Thus far: An electric kettle, a large bag of Reese's Pieces, and 50 dollar; the lion's share.)