Welcome to an introduction to *sigh* the 2015 Carolina Panthers :colonveeplusalpha:
HEAD COACH:
Riverboat Ron Rivera! A man who actually went for it on 4th and 1 a few times 2 years ago with a 6' 5" QB and suddenly gained a reputation for taking risks! Watching him mismanage a game into the fucking ground is a weekly occurrence; and yet when he occasionally calls for the team to "go for it" on 4th down (he calls for like 3/4 of all plays from inside 4th and 2 to be punts when Cam Newton could FALL DOWN and get the first down) people immediately start up again with "RIVERBOAT RON TAKES THE BIG RISKS! HE'S GREAT IN THE FACE OF INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS!" I hate him, he is terrible. He is a bad coach. He may have been a good DC, but with a D as stacked as the Panthers were the past 2 years it doesn't take XTREME SKILLZ to get them to play well. He should have been fired during the Bye after week 3 in 2013, in which case our new HC would be starting his third year. Unless the Panthers suck hardcore this year, we're stuck with Rivera; playing in the worst division yet again this year (the Saints are a horrible tire fire, the Bucs are laughable, and the Falcons will once again not be able to put together anything on the field) means we'll probably win the division yet again and be guaranteed another low 1st Round draft pick. I am in hell.
QUARTERBACK: Cam Newton! Leading the league in Looking Great in Photographs (seen
here and
here for starters) and Overthrowing Tallest Receivers In The NFL. I like Cam Newton, he can scramble well enough to get some important TDs and he can sometimes throw a great pass (to receivers who completely lack the ability to catch or hold onto the ball). Of course, he does have to scramble a lot these days given the awful state of the O line, so maybe if he actually had the time he could be much better at throwing the ball! Alas, please Cam continue to run for 5000 yards behind the line of scrimmage every play until your legs explode and then the GM finally considers drafting an OT. Derek Anderson is a perfectly fine back-up; Joe Webb is a servicable third-string QB who also contriubtes useful minutes on Special Teams. Do the Panthers have the best QB "bullpen" in the league? I hope we never have to find out!
GENERAL MANAGER: Dave Gettleman. Terrible. "Best Player Available" means we went into this year's draft needing O line and Secondary and we walked away with 0 help in either position. We added yet another talented LB to the best LB corps in the league (can they win a game by themselves? Gettleman seems to think so!) and another 6' 5" receiver with questionable hands to complement the 6' 5" receiver with questionable hands we got last year. I hate this man.
OFFENSIVE LINE: We got one of the best centers around in Kalil! He would be helped more by 4 statues than our current O line. We ditched Byron Bell finally and replaced him with Michael Oher (from The Blind Side [who was cut by the Titans {and replaced by BYRON BELL!}]) Current options for the other 3 positions are Remmers, Chandler, Williams, Hills, and Foucault. We will wind up throwing three of these dudes on the line and pray that the mere presence of having 5 warm bodies on the line will prevent other teams from sacking our QB. PROTIP: it won't.
RUNNING BACK: KEEP POUNDING! RUN THE DAMN BALL!! THAT'S HOW WE REACHED THE SUPER BALL WITH DELHOMME UNDER CENTER!!! Jonathan Stewart finally spent an entire season without getting injured, and that was enough to jettison DeAngelo Williams (the current holder of basically every Panthers franchise rushing record). This means that J.Stew will fall into a sinkhole at Everbank Field on the first play from scrimmage and never be seen again. He is currently supported by a RBBC including Fozzy Whittaker and PRESEASON STAR Brandon Wegher, with possible bowling ball Mike Tolbert at Fullback. Fun fact: Lache Seastrunk was on the practice squad for 5 weeks last year and is now currently competing for the starting job in Dallas. gj everyone
WIDE RECEIVERS: Last year's potential rookie breakout star Kelvin Benjamin! He is basically a clone of Cam Newton in build, except with dreadlocks! He had a terrible case of The Dropsies last year! As a result he was overshadowed in the league by Odell Beckham Jr and in his own division by Mike Evans (who was basically catching passes from scarecrows, for all their efficiency on offense)!
Hopefully this year will show a marked improvement after another offseason of work as he goes into his sophomore season as the known WR1. Just kidding, he went down yet again at practice, this time with a "sprained knee" per noted Not-A-Doctor Ron Rivera. He is probably out for the year, along with all enthusiasm for this (unintentionally) high flying offense! (Steve Smith played through a torn PCL, please come back Steve ;_;) The WR corps also contains second round pick Devin Funchess (who will likely look like a less productive KB during his rookie year), noted return man (in more ways than one) Ted Ginn Jr (who is basically Devin Hester Jr), Philly "Don't call me Philly" Brown (who looks to have a promising career as a WR3 at best), and Brenton Bersin (who looks like Blaine Gabbert and plays about as well to boot). Our most reliable receiving threat is our Tight End...
TIGHT END: GREG OLSEN! PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KICKER: Graham Gano! He is pretty good.
DEFENSIVE LINE: Panther play a 4-3 defense with the line consisting of Lotulelei (hurt), Short (hurt), Cole (old), and Depression wrapping up that formidable foursome! Fingers crossed that everyone is ready to be the backbone of this team once again.
LINEBACKERS: LUKE KUECHLY! He's currently trying to get more money. THOMAS DAVIS! He is getting older. Other players who will be overshadowed all year by these two include surprise first round pick Shaq Thompson, Klein, Trusnik, and Mayo. There will be a 1:10 mention ratio of any of these other names to Kuechly or Davis. I like both of these guys, but the way Kuechly spends every play running around trying to tackle the entire team, casts serious doubt on the production of the rest of the unit.
DEFENSIVE END: Greg Hardy is gone, and took millions of dollars, a lot of production, and probably a lot of pent up rage to Dallas. Looking forward to seeing that Thanksgiving game! Charles Johnson replaces him, along with Kony (2012) Ealy. That is, unless PRESEASON STAR Rakim Cox can step up!
SECONDARY: :barf: Charles Tillman is old. Roman Harper is also old but also busted. Bene Benwikere is not Ben Bernanke. There are other men who will play in these positions and none of them will be any good and honestly, as desperate as our LT situation stands, the secondary being a complete fucking mess is so much more disheartening and puts that much more stress on the front 7 to stop the pass because god knows we can't stop the opposing receivers.
In conclusion: This team needs to go 2-14 to guarantee a new HC and LT but
will likely back into the playoffs at 8-8 in a terrible division GO 13-3 AND WIN THE BIG ONE THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! KEEP POUNDING!!!!!!
EDIT:
Are you a prophet :V
Death, Taxes, and teams taking a flyer on Matt Flynn
I'm pretty sure he is.
Took too long to exercise your despair. Panthers retaliated by giving Kelvin Benjamin a knee injury.
I was also very close in predicting how Steve Smith would play against the Panthers last year.
