Author Topic: I sort of write fiction  (Read 5235 times)

Delfigamer

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I sort of write fiction
« on: January 20, 2015, 04:17:43 PM »
And I sort of have no idea where to put a thread.

Recently, sort of spontaneously, I started to write a story in English on sos-dan.ru.
As you may sort of notice, I am not a native English speaker, so there must be some scary eels in my hovercraft.
So, I wanted more native English speakers of you to sort of check the work and help me write better English texts.
You may also sort of enjoy the work, but it's of course optional.

~ Earlier chunks of fiction removed ~
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 05:52:45 AM by Delfigamer »

The Jealous Witch did nothing wrong.

Delfigamer

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Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2015, 10:42:28 AM »
Quote
This topic has been moved to Patchouli's Scarlet Library.
B-but it's not really related to Touhou or anything :ohdear:

The Jealous Witch did nothing wrong.

Iced Fairy

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Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2015, 05:47:52 PM »
B-but it's not really related to Touhou or anything :ohdear:
PSL is for all written works, not just Touhou just so you know.   ;).

In terms of the work itself, I would suggest a rewrite in a more standard form of prose.  Currently you have a rather abstract script with a personified narrator for what looks to be an action heavy story.  That doesn't work easily in English, and most native speakers would be hard pressed to do it right.  For a non native speaker I think it's just a bad plan.


Delfigamer

  • * Merry, bride, absolute (HR)
  • of course the best girl never wins
Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2015, 05:12:32 PM »
PSL is for all written works, not just Touhou just so you know.   ;).
Ah! So it's like AAA then. :3

In terms of the work itself, I would suggest a rewrite in a more standard form of prose.  Currently you have a rather abstract script with a personified narrator for what looks to be an action heavy story.  That doesn't work easily in English, and most native speakers would be hard pressed to do it right.  For a non native speaker I think it's just a bad plan.
Well, regarding abstractness, I don't well into details, as AAA folk may have noticed, so... uh.
And, for me, the story doesn't seem so heavy with actions. Rather, I sometimes wonder if I made dialogues too long, like here ↓↓↓
(I think I haven't understood you quite right.)
Anyway, next batch!

~ Earlier chunk of text removed ~
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 05:53:31 AM by Delfigamer »

The Jealous Witch did nothing wrong.

Delfigamer

  • * Merry, bride, absolute (HR)
  • of course the best girl never wins
Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2015, 11:48:05 AM »
~ Earlier chunk of text removed ~
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 05:54:22 AM by Delfigamer »

The Jealous Witch did nothing wrong.

Delfigamer

  • * Merry, bride, absolute (HR)
  • of course the best girl never wins
Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2015, 12:08:42 PM »
Some fellow VN scenario writer (or someone claiming to be one :derp:) recently (relatively) adviced me to pack and release my text into larger chunks, like chapters or something of the sort. One of the reasons was that they are really more pleasant to read, like at least a little, but solid chapter of manga is better that a bunch of pages, that even the writer himself doesn't know where they lead, and whether they lead anywhere at all. Another is that, when holding a larger chunk in processing, you have better control of the flow, so you won't need to change a paragraph posted a week ago to make a plot twist you're about to invoke.
Speaking of paragraphs. This story, its very first paragraph ("What is there, in Finjas' pockets?") started as a pure joke. But now, it is a part of the world I've been pickling for a rather long time, and, since the day this joke was told, I got many other ideas that would be too hard to implement with details I've already given. So, I've decided to take all this text back, and retell the story from the very beginning. Hopefully, this one will be more stable.

So, here we go. 「A Story That Has Yet to Be Given a Name, chapter 0?」.

A guy opens his brown eyes.
How much time has passed?
In a dusk room, lying in a bed, Pocket reaches out for his cellphone.
12 PM already?
He tried to sleep, but failed.
But it should be much brighter outside at this time.
He stood from his bed, went to a window and peeked behind a blanket covering it.
Eh? Clouds?!
Indeed, the sky was covered in slowly, but visibly moving thick clouds.
He quickly stepped away.
So, it is posiible to go outside right now. Which means... the Organization may be already there!
Hurriedly, he put on his clothes and filled his pockets with neccessary stuff.
I must go, right now.
Within last few hours, his cover got effectively blown, but the bright light outside forced him to stay in the place. Now, the clouds cover and darken the light, making it very possible to walk with open eyes, for Pocket and for the Organization troops he stands against.

Are they the Organization's agents?
Outside, he encountered two girls walking with a full shop cart. They haven't noticed him, though.
He still haven't decided where to go. For now, leaving the dangerous spot, which was his own house, should suffice.
I am supposed to be a conspirasy-obsessed paranoic, yet I don't even have a reserve base. What a shame.
Checking his surroundings, he stealthily follows the couple. Lacking a better objective, he decided to spy on them.
With some luck, I could learn something useful from them. Besides, ordinary people don't walk around at this time, do they?
Well, I agree with you on the last one, Pocket. I think I'll look after them once your case is finished.
Who are they?
Apparently, they are talking. Pocket cannot hear their words though, as their sounds are hidden by a strong wind. Suddenly, one of them turns her head back.
Damn.
Pocket instantly takes cover around a nearest building's corner. He had enough time to catch her face, so it's quite possible she had her time too, to notice him.
She is lower than her partner by few centimeters (a couple of inches). She wears white sandals and a plain white dress. Her black hair reaches her neck, covering the sides of her head. Her eyes are dark green.
________

"Erm... don't we attract too much attention as we are?" the lower girl asks.
"Relax, there's nobody around to pay it," answers the other one.
They don't look at each other. The lower one scans her surroundings. It seems she haven't quite catched the guy following them, but rather just sensed some suspicious movement.
"But... I still feel nervous..."
Pushing the cart with her right hand, the higher one put her left hand on this girl's head and patted it, causing her to stop.
"Irin, you just think too much. I assure you, we'll be fine."
"Really?"
Despite the doubt, she actually felt easier.
"Besides, we went easy on that watchman guy. If somebody attacked us, we would totally beat him to pulp!"
"Ah..."
"And if we face someone too strong, we could just flee! Our powers are literally made for that, there's no way anybody could catch us when we run."
"Aha-ha... at least you made it sound cool."
Irina smiled slightly, finally turning to look at the other girl.
She is of average height. She wears black boots, wide dark red pants and a light gray shirt. Her skin is slightly tanned. Her shoulder-length straight hair is dark brown. Her eyes are of ligter shade of green.
"Hey, Nastya... won't all this food spoil before we get home?"
"Oh! It certainly will if we keep standing here. Let's go then!"
________

This town is not one of the most developed ones. It has some nice buildings, there are some nice streets with decent architecture, but there are also so-called "private sectors" scattered here and there. They mostly consist of cottage-like houses built on chunks of private territory.
By "cottage-like" I don't mean these fancy houses you sometimes see in depictions of typical American dreams. They are not some ancient huts that barely don't fall down either. They are just houses to live in.
And the two girls went in just one of those houses, bringing the shop cart and closing a gate after themselves.
Then, Pocket heard a female voice.
"It's a nice weather today, isn't it?"
Looking back, he saw a woman.
She is wearing a white dress, white shawl on her shoulders, a straw basher with a rope tied below her chin and black sunglasses, hiding her eyes from others.
Who is she? What is she doing there? Did she follow me? But I'm rather sure there weren't any people there aside from me and those two.
"Yes, it is indeed. It's been long since last time I went out during a day."
So, did she meet me by an accident? Then what is she doing there? Does she live there? Or there's another reason for her being in a private sector?
The woman tilted her head a little.
"Long time? It's been less than two weeks since the moon moved near the sun. Do you miss sunlight that much?"
Huh? Ah, really, the moon does a full circle in four weeks. It's a little bit funny that I didn't really consider that in the old days when the moon was still dim.
"It seems that I do."
It's been about three months since the moon started to change, even less since it became as bright as it is now. However, it seems like a normal thing for me now.
"Well, then you are not so hopeless. You'll be able to see your beloved sun again in about a week. In fact one can see the sun without the moon for about three weeks in the four-week cycle. And, additionally, there're days like today, when the moon is covered behind thick clouds. Though, weather forecast says they'll be gone in less than an hour, so you should be careful not to be blinded by the moon near its zenith."
Is she talking like this to let my guard down? However, if her forecast is true, I should take her advice and hide somewhere soon.
"I once liked moonlight. It is not as bright as your sun's one, but that's just one of the things I liked about it. I'm not fond of bright lights in general as well, as you can see," she pointed to her glasses. "But, as the moon changed, the light I liked has gone, and it doesn't exist anymore. In this way, I am more hopeless than you."
"My condolenses."
Is she wasting time to leave me on the streets when the clouds will disappear? Then, what is she planning to do with herself when it happens? Do these glasses also protect her from the moonlight?
Glasses smiled, "Are they real? Anyway, you probably cannot do anything with the current moon, so this is fine. May I ask you one question?"
"Go ahead."
"Your cards, what do they give to you?"
"So you are from the Organization after all!"
Pocket quickly reached into his sleeve.
"From what I see, they don't give you any good. What they give are unrest, paranoia and solitude. Even now, we could talk about searching for a shelter together, if nothing else, but instead, all you can think about is what danger I may pose to you."
"What are your plans? Are you trying to sweettalk me into surrender?"
The woman slowly shook her head.
"What are you going to do with your cards? Are you going to fight with me? If I lose, what will you do? Will you kill me? Will you make me forget everything and just leave there for the moon to burn an empty body which I'll become? Can these cards do anything beyond just destruction?"
Pulling a card out from his sleeve, Pocket opened his mouth, ready to shout a spell, but, as Glasses sharply thrusted her hand forward, he stumbled and got a minor problem with breathing, sensing a clear impact to his throat.
What just happened?
Whithin few seconds, he regained ability to breathe, readied his card again, but noticed the woman has gone from her spot.
Where is she?
Not sensing her presence anywhere, he slowly moved further into the private sector. Then, he noticed the surrounding becoming brighter.
Clouds are thinning? Looks like her words about them were true. But where should I go now? My home may be too far, and it is probably filled with dudes from the Organization by now. Should I ask these two girls for a shelter? There may be some interesting information in the house, besides, there aren't much variants there. But they can be linked with the Organization. Should I try them?
On the horizon, patches of clear sky have appeared.
There's no much time left. I have to decide.
Pocket pressed a button on the intercom. After a couple of beeps, a girl's voice replied.
"Hey, do you know what time it is? You better go home before I help you to do that."
"Ah, sorry... I think I am lost and I need a cover before the moon shows from behind the clouds, can I hide there until it sets?"
"...Come in."

"..."
The three of our heroes are in a room which is a combined living/dining one. There's a table in the middle of the room. There's a sofa beside the table, occupied by the girls. Against them, Pocket sits in a chair, returning Higher's gaze towards her. Breaking the silence, she speaks:
"So, what were you doing out there in broad moonlight?"
They don't seem to hold a special interest in me. They could put a squeeze on me, demanding the cards in exchange for the shelter, but they didn't. Do they prefer to play cautiously? Or they genuinely don't know me?
"Hm, I couldn't bring myself to sleep, so I figured I could go on a little walk to calm myself down, but as I was too deep into my thoughts, I ended up in an unknown place under a clearing sky. So, I went to a first door nearby and asked for help."
On the table stood a bottle of lemonade along with two glasses with it. It's probably one of things from the cart they've brought with them.
"Huh, so you came here on your own and not because you were stalking us or something?"
"Ahaha, of course I wasn't stalking you, haha. And why would I do it anyway?"
While Higher was interrogating her guest, her friend was dozing off on an opposite side of the sofa, with her glass half full. She came with Higher here out of apparent curiosity for an unusual guest, but lacking a proper sleep, she couldn't keep herself fully awake.
"How would I know? I am not an obsessive freak, so I don't understand what may happen in a mind of one."
"But I don't think I'm such a freak..."
"Yeah? But you look fishy."
Does she consider herself a beauty queen capable of turning men into creepy stalkers? To think of it, she is not that bad, but there's nothing outstanding in her either. Besides, I think she lacks some femininity, with that outfit and manner of speech.
"Don't stare at me like that, or I'll treat you as a stalker and a liar," said Higher, standing up. "I was going to lend you this sofa, but it's occupied now, so I'll let you sleep on the floor right there. If you try anything funny though, I'll throw you outside right away, so be a good boy and don't touch anything. Especially her," she pointed at sleeping Lower.
"Oh... okay."
In the end, she let me stay there and even left with her sleeping friend. Is she really that careless?
Higher went into another room.
...She must have planned something.
Her friend sleeps, half-sitting-half-lying in a corner of the sofa.
Should I attack them? But they might be waiting for that moment.
Looking at her, Pocket couldn't help but feel sleepy too.
By the way, is she really unconscious, or she's just trying to lower my guard? I could try to deal with one of them with my cards, but I'll probably lose if they both attack.
The other girl returned, bringing a couple of blankets with her.
Fleeing is hardly an option either.
The whole room being dim, because of a covered window, did not help one bit.
What should I do? Can I just go to sleep there?
Higher used one blanket to cover her sleeping friend, then silently put another one on the table near sitting Pocket.

Three months ago, the sky changed.
Before, there were two major light sources: the Sun and the Moon. During a day, the Sun was shining so brightly that the very atmosphere appeared lit with pale blue color. During a night, the sky was filled with stars, white dots that were so dim that one could barely see anything under their light. Amongst the Sun and the stars, the Moon, our nearest cosmic neighbour, was travelling through the sky.
It didn't really emit any light, but its surface was full of lighter shades of grey, which enabled the Moon to reflect the bright radiance of the Sun. On the Earth, it wasn't comparable with the Sun itself, but nevertheless strong enough to make surroundings visible at night and to show a rather noticeable crescent above.
And three months ago, the sky changed. The Moon gained a light of its own.
At first, it was glowing with dark red color. Ominous as it may be, it bothered surprisingly few people. Many of them were too busy with their everyday problems to even notice.
Within few weeks, though, it quickly brightened to become effectively a second sun, currently being even brighter than the actual one, blindingly bright. It was no longer possible to ignore it, so, people adapted to the new rules, shifting their shedules to avoid going under our new Moon.

Has I failed?
Even being tired, Pocket couldn't sleep sitting at a table for very long. Judging by amount of light seeping through window covers, the moon was still far from setting, though.
Still cannot run, huh.
Across the table, Lower is still sleeping, though now she lies on the sofa with her legs bent, using both her hands as a pillow, covered by the blanket that Higher brought earlier. Pocket can see her tranquil face.
She must be a very talented actor to pull this off.
Leaning back in his chair, he felt a piece of cloth sliding from his shoulders.
Huh?
It was another blanket brought by Higher.
Though, if they were intending any harm, they would've most likely caused it by now.
Leaving the rumpled blanket on the chair, he quietly stood up.
"Where are you going?"
"So you actually weren't sleeping."
"No, I just woke up."
Lower raised her head, tucked her legs and sat.
"I am just very wary. For instance, I've actually noticed you following us."
She covered her right shoulder and fixed her hair on the left side.
"I wanted to talk about that, but if you need to go, I won't hold you there."
Even if they don't work for the Organization (which I still don't have proof for, though), they definitely are not innocent bystanders either.
"Well then, what were you doing outside?"
Pocket sat back.
"We just went shopping, that's all."
"But shops don't work at this time!"
"We found a 24-hour one," the girl replied calmly. "Didn't you see it yourself?"
"Didn't I tell you I'm not a stalker freak? I just saw you walking with a shop cart full of goods and became curious. And, just when I was about to turn back and head home, clouds began to thin and go away."
Lower placed her elbow on the table, bent forward and put her chin against her fist.
"Then, why did you go out in the first place?"
"I had personal busyness."
"He-heh. You seem like Nastya now: you are a kind person, but just don't like..."
"I am not a kind person. You've mistaken."
Lower kept an wondered face for a second.
"Is that so?"
What is this girl even thinking about? Moreover, just... who is she?
She showed a calm smile.
"Then, I want you to be kind in this house. Let it be a rule: only kind people have right to be there."
"Isn't this just an extortion? You must be aware that I cannot leave during the moonday."
"Is it that hard to be kind for just several hours?"
Lower straightened herself and grabbed a side of the blanket lying on her shoulder.
"Alright, fine, I won't do anything bad there. Am I allowed to stay now?"
The girl pulled the blanket down, stood up and headed out of the room. Before walking through what looked like a doorway without a door, she paused and asked,
"I'll make some tea. Do you want a cup?"
Why they just don't kill me right ahead?
"Bring me one, please."
Then she finally left.
Who are both of them anyway?

There weren't any noticeable events after.
They had a little teatime, in silence. Then Pocket placed himself in the sofa and slept the hours until moonset away. Higher haven't shown herself during the time; either she was sleeping too or she was occupied with her own activities.
"Hey, stalker, wake up."
Higher's voice brought Pocket back to reality.
I am not a damn stalker.
"Your girlfriend has come to pick you up."
I... what girlfriend?
Not giving much time to think, Higher literally pushed Pocket out of the house.
"But..."
"It was nice to spend time with you, I hope you'll come to visit us again someday, what a pity you have to go so soon, but there's nothing to be done here, goodbye."
And a door has been shut close.
Jeez, at least wait until I put my shoes on.
Having finished with the shoes, Pocket stands up and goes to the outer door, which separates the private territory from the road outside.
From inside, this door may be opened by pressing a single button beside it and then pushing it. Quite a modern door for some private house, actually, because most of them are eqipped with cheap simple latch-like locks.
I have no friends, neither boys nor girls.
He draws a crumpled piece of paper from his sleeve and presses the button. The door responds with a long monotonic beep.
As he steps out, though, he quickly gets clenched, with his mouth covered and right hand cluthed and stretched away. The door slowly closes after him.
"Here we go again."
Glasses' voice sounds from behind, while her fingers attempt to force Pocket's right hand to release the card.
"I don't want to harm you, but you were going to attack me once more, were you?"
After few seconds, the card is lost.
"Why are you so hostile towards me?"
Still holding Pocket, she lowers her left hand to his neck, opening his mouth. He asks:
"What do you want from me?"
"I just want you to be on our side. See, your cards may be a dangerous weapon. If used correctly, they could easily destroy a town like this, for example. We aim to prevent this from happening." Pocket calms down. "I don't want to fight you. I'd rather chat with you, as if we were friends."
As if to prove her words, she released her grip and stepped back.
"I want you to join us."
Pocket kneaded his right wrist. He took another piece of paper from his right sleeve and, saying
"Freeze,"
raised it above his shoulder, making it visible for Glasses, and teared the card with his fingers a little.
The card flared like a match, lit the dusk surroundings for a moment, and fell down from Pocket's hand, burning. Unexpectedly, it actually burned Pocket's fingers a little, so, it probably was a real combustion.
Pocket turned around to see Glasses indeed standing in a place.
"What do you even think? Wasn't the very reason why you are after me that I've seen what you are really..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaah!"
"What the..."
Within few seconds after Glasses' loud cry, the door emitted a beep again.
Pocket drew another card from an inner pocket of his jacket and received a solid blow to his back, making him lose his weapon again.
How did...
Shortly after, Higher dashed from the door and gave a sharp kick to his shin.
Glasses fell down, as if she fainted, and so did Pocket.
Not saying a word, the two girls grabbed Glasses and hauled her in the house, leaving Pocket behind the modern beeping door.
"Wait..."
I've seen what she does to people. She is a liar! Ah... they'll probably die soon. I have to move, while I can.

The Jealous Witch did nothing wrong.

Tsuken Yasashi

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Re: I sort of write fiction
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2015, 04:34:02 AM »
I'm actually writing a fictional novel based on Touhou, though it could relate to most novel writing, so I could help you out on your journey in writing the story.

Okay, first thing is first: What kind of story do you plan to write, and how long do you plan to continue it?  Right now, it seems like you've made part of a short story, most likely the prologue, and though it needs a bit of work, it's looking good so far from what I read.

If you plan to write a novel, that's a different kind of ballpark you'll have to work up.  I'd suggest mapping out where you plan to go in the form of an outline before doing anything else.  Otherwise, you might end up getting lost along the way.

This website actually gives out good tips on making outlines before writing a story.  http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/articles/snowflake-method/
« Last Edit: March 18, 2015, 06:14:30 PM by Ninja575 »


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