Kilga's Garbage Dump (updated 5/27/2015)

[Kilgamayan]

Oh God, I'm writing again.

The following was inspired by Himiko's writing prompts. One thing I suggested to her as an idea for a short was "Byakuren and Miko get stuck in a bad situation together and need each other to get out of it." Then, earlier this week, I had a bolt of inspiration and decided to tackle it myself. I had fully intended this to be a simple short, but clearly I am incapable of vomiting out fewer words than absolutely necessary, as it turned into this. Be warned that my preferred writing style for shorts is a bit staccato, but hopefully it's not too off-putting for anyone that's not used to it or doesn't like it.

Special credits go to (a) Himiko for inspiring me to write again with her shorts, (b) Purvis for the influence his text adventures have had on both how I see Gensokyo and how I write Touhou in my head, and (c) Wolfie-Kate/GhostlyWhimsy, whose speech style was something of an inspiration for Byakuren's speech style here.

---

?I am becoming increasingly concerned that you do not know where we are or where we are going.?

?It doesn?t really matter where we?re going, does it? As long as we escape unharmed.?

?Perhaps your absence does not affect you or your constituents, but I worry for my sisters, as I am sure they worry for me.?

?Look. I know what I?m doing. I will find us our way back to the surface. Just trust me.?

Silence filled the tunnel in response, prompting the Prince to look back at her traveling companion. The monk?s expression was blank, maybe just slightly annoyed. This aggravated Miko all the more. No words needed to be said; she could guess exactly what the monk was thinking. Trusting you got us into this situation in the first place, oh great leader.

Miko turned back around and kept moving along the underground tunnel, doing her best to concentrate on where they were going and pretend the monk wasn?t staring a hole in the back of her head. It was harder to focus on this than it should have been, because the monk, both vocal and silent, was right. It was her fault they were in their current predicament, having made the initial life-threatening mistake and then compounding it by blindly diving into the underground tunnel network in a panic to get away from their pursuer. And now she was well and truly lost. Even though she had set up this network, it was still new, and she was still not completely used to the layout of the land.

Another minute of painful quiet followed. The Prince started to find the tunnel air heavier than the perilous situation they were in.

?At least I have not heard any noise of pursuit for some time. Have you??

?I have not.?

?Hmm. Perhaps we are safe for the time being, then.?

No response.

Say something.

Miko continued on with the monk in tow, as the silence grew louder and louder. She slowly slipped away from paying attention to her surroundings, lost in a whirlwind of aggravated internal monologue. Say something, damn you! Something, anything! Complain about our situation! Fear for your life! Dump everything on me like we both know you want to! Give me some reason to get angry at you in return! I don?t care! Just say anything!

?Would you like some help??

Miko felt herself jump slightly. She whirled around to see the monk?s indecipherably passive face. Her runaway train of thought screeched to a halt. She was ready for any number of things the monk would say, but that was certainly not on the list.

The two of them stood there. Miko had no idea how to response. The monk patiently waited for an answer, expression unchanging.

Eventually, in a small voice, the Prince spoke up.

?What?what do you propose you can do??

No response. Again. But this time the monk walked toward the stunned Prince, expression still unchanging, until they were right next to each other. With no idea what was going on, Miko became acutely aware of their differences in height and bulk. The monk wasn?t that much taller, but it felt like she was towering over the Prince right now.

?Uh??

The monk slowly wrapper her arms around the Prince and gave Miko a gentle hug.

Time froze. Miko couldn?t even process what was happening. She simply stood there, completely dumbfounded.

What?s going on? What is this? Is she trying to lift me? Trick me? Crush me? Kill me? Tell me she likes me?

Miko?s mind raced and raced, but no answers came, only more silent hug.

And eventually, slowly, she realized her arms were lifting up...and returning the gesture.

They stood that way for what seemed like an eternity. As it became clearer and clearer that the embrace was not a threat on her life, Miko?s body relaxed, feeling an immeasurable weight melt away, a weight she wasn?t even aware had been there. It oozed off of her neck, her chest, her arms, her legs, everything. Even her mind was slowing, somehow returning to normal. The Prince didn?t know how, but somehow she felt like they were indeed going to make it out of this crisis alive.

The monk broke the embrace and stepped back. Miko had to stop herself from falling forward out of surprise.

?That is what I propose. Did it help??

The question took a few seconds to process. You know, I hate to admit it, but it?actually, do I hate to admit it? No, I don?t think I do.?

The Prince nodded.

?Yes, it did. Somehow.?

Byakuren smiled. ?It seems you are unaware of just how tense you were. Were a shamisen wound half as tightly, it would be rendered unplayable, as simply strumming it once would cause most of the strings to snap.?

?...I would say the situation lends itself to such feelings.?

?Understandably so. However, a conducive environment only creates a problem without solving it.?

?I suppose I cannot argue that.?

The monk did not respond. This time, however, the tension was not nearly as palpable, and it was for an entirely different reason. Miko looked around a bit at the walls, suddenly unable to look the monk directly in the eye, before quietly clearing her throat.

?Thank you.?

Byakuren smiled again. ?You?re welcome. Shall we continue, then??

Before Miko could respond, a sound erupted from somewhere down the tunnel in the direction they had come. At first, it was too quiet to be interpretable, but as it got louder, their blood chilled. The sound morphed into a terrifying roar, coated in unbridled rage.

Certain doom was closing in.

Byakuren and Miko quickly looked back down the tunnel, then looked at each other, before Miko spoke up.

?I do believe that qualifies as a ?yes?. Hurry!?

The duo took off further down the tunnel, running as quickly as they could to escape pursuit. Byakuren outpaced Miko by a tiny amount, until a sudden stumble almost threw her to the dirt floor.

?Ah!?

Miko slowed down and banked to the right to avoid running into the now-limping monk. Looking back while coming to a stop, the pain on Byakuren?s face was starting to show.

?What happened??

Byakuren only emitted a pained grunt in response while she descended to the ground, clutching at her ankle. Immediately Miko was at Byakuren?s side, throwing herself under the monk?s arm and lifting Byakuren back up off the ground.

?Now is not the time for that. Let?s get you mobile again so we can get out of here.?

?Ergh...and how do you suggest we continue our escape? There is not enough space here to fly, and I will only slow us both down greatly.?

Miko looked around quickly, checking behind them to make sure their predator was not immediately behind them. The two of them were still alone, so Miko turned her gaze forward, and quickly found their salvation. She used her free arm to point at a hole in the ceiling, several yards ahead of them.

?Right there, that is my suggestion. Put your weight on me instead of that foot, and let me take care of the rest.?

The final steps to freedom were agonizingly slow, but Miko paid them no mind, knowing her companion had it much rougher at present. Making it to the hole uninterrupted, Byakuren leaned against the earthen wall on her good ankle as Miko floated the short distance up to the trap door that presented their first real chance of escaping this whole ordeal safely.

The trap door burst open, and Miko rejoined the land of the topside. Her heart immediately sank, as she found herself in the middle of a stone path surrounded by forest. They had made their way all the way back to their pursuer?s lair.

Byakuren noticed that the Prince?s legs were dangling in mid-air for far too long instead of making their way the rest of the way up the tunnel. ?What? What is out there??

Miko grimaced as she looked around. Of all the places for us to surface, it just had to be?wait.

?Aha! Quick, come up!?

With Miko?s assistance, Byakuren pulled herself out of the hole onto the ground. Immediately, she frowned. ?Oh, bother. Our luck is truly-?

Miko waved her off while pointing excitedly. ?No! Look!?

Byakuren turned toward where the Prince was indicating, and saw a large wooden box. ?Yes, I see. What about it??

?It?s the perfect hiding place! No one would ever check in there!?

?Don?t be ridic?well?you might be right??

?It?s the best chance available. Now let?s-?

Another blood-curdling guttural roar made its way out of the open panel in the ground. Miko and Byakuren exchanged glances, before the Prince moved herself under the monk?s arm once again and began walking her toward the box, her voice lowered.

?Right, then. No time to waste.?

?But wait! Surely there is only room in there for one of us!?

?Exactly. We need to get you in there now.?

?Me??

?Yes, you. We both know you are not in good escaping condition right now.?

?But what about you??

They had made their way to the box. Miko unslung Byakuren?s arm from around herself and lifted the lid of the box while Byakuren balanced herself by holding onto the sides.

?With all due respect, Hijiri, I?m more confident in my ability to outwit our pursuer than yours.?

She then flashed a small grin.

?Besides, I got you into this mess, did I not? The least I can do is get you out. Now come on.?

With Miko?s assistance, Byakuren gingerly climbed into the surprisingly roomy box and settled herself in. Twisting a little so she could face up, she took one last look at the hermit Prince.

?Thank you. Good luck.?

Miko placed the lid back on the box and flashed a thumbs-up at Byakuren through the slats on top.

?Thanks. I?ll need it. Stay silent.?

And with that, Miko hopped into the air and sped off into the forest.

---

Marisa Kirisame was not having a good day.

Oh, sure, she wasn?t the one in trouble, and if she reeeeeeally wanted to, she could just walk away and let the situation resolve itself. But she knew it was going to fall to her to make sure things resolved with as little mess as possible.

The witch flew behind an irate-borderline-possessed shrine maiden on her broom, silently matching speeds as they made their way through Miko?s tunnel network. She had no idea what to say and certainly didn?t even want to be there, but she was also too afraid to let Reimu go ahead alone ? afraid of what Reimu would do to the other religious figureheads if left unchecked, and afraid of what Reimu would do to her for absconding in the middle of such an important pursuit.

?When I get my hands on those two deadbeats, those two welchers??

The witch sighed, inaudible over Reimu?s profanity-laced monologue. Marisa Kirisame was not having a good day.

Next time there?s a batch of newbies, I?m just gonna warn them immediately about betting on mahjong around here.

[日巫子]

Ohhh man that was really good.  I probably wouldn't have been able to come up with something like this if I had actually taken the prompt, hehe.  This really leaves a lot up to the imagination.

[Hello Purvis]

Well done.

[Nat Tea]

You better get your groove back, Kilga, I wanna see more stuff like this!

It's been only like what 6 years anyway?

[Kilgamayan]

I wrote Reisen Bad End in 2008 and Twilight of Perpetual Servitude/Outlandish Blooming Rapport in 2009. So 5 or 6 years, yes.

[Kilgamayan]

Touhou fanbase AU where all self-inserts/body possession stories are actually just lost episodes of Quantum Leap. Let me be the first to usher forth this glorious new age!

(Please read the linked article if you are not familiar with the franchise, because the following story will make no sense otherwise.)

---

?Oh, boy.?

Sam had made many strange leaps throughout the course of this project, but this one was head and shoulders above all the others in sheer weirdness. A horned head and shoulders, even.

When Sam had arrived, he found himself in the middle of an unfamiliar field, all alone, with not many real signs of civilization around. Fortunately, he had found a stream almost immediately, to get some idea of what was going on. Unfortunately, what he saw in that stream only made the situation all the more confusing.

Staring back at Sam was the face of a young girl, probably mid-teens, surely not old enough to drink. Sam wouldn?t have thought twice about this, except for the girl?s jet-black hair having curious streaks of red and white, and a?curious didn?t begin to describe the small pair of pointy horns. His outfit wasn?t much less bizarre, as he sported a white dress with a red, white, and black arrowhead pattern on the bottom and around the neck, and a pair of strange purple-strapped sandals.

Sam stood up and examined his surroundings once more. Beyond the field, there was mostly forest. A couple of mountains were visible within reasonable walking distance, and what appeared to be a small, rustic town was much further off in the opposite direction of one of the mountains. Straining his eyes to pick out anything else, he thought he could see small humanoid shaped floating around in various parts of the forest, near one of the closer mountains. But surely that was impossible? Then again, I currently have spikes on my head?

With far more questions than answers, Sam did the only thing he knew he could rely on.

?Al??

After a couple of seconds, the hologram of Sam?s best friend appeared before him, and near-immediately did a double-take. ?Hi Sam. Whoa! Look at you! You?re a real cutie, you know that??

Sam rolled his eyes. ?Just tell me who and where I am, Al.?

?What? Oh. Right, yeah.? Al pulled out his handheld and fiddled with it for a few moments before giving a low whistle. ?Whoa, this one?s a doozy. We don?t have a lot of info back home on this place.?

Sam pointed at where he thought his right horn probably was. ?I?m pretty sure I was ill on the day we had the meeting about horned people.?

?Heh heh, Anyway, you?re all the way in 2013. Guess that?s a good sign for how long you?ll live, eh? This place is called Gensokyo. It?s a small region in Japan that?s somehow sequestered away from the rest of the country through unknown means. And that??

Al waved his hand up and down, gesturing the length of Sam?s body.

?That?s?uh?Sayjuh? Sayjuh?Kidgin? Sure, yeah, we?ll go with that until one of the locals gives us something better to work with.?

?A little girl with horns and an unpronounceable name, huh. Maybe she?s a Japanese folk monster or something. Do we have any information on her, why I might have leapt here??

Al poked at his handheld some more, frowning. ??Gotta be honest with you, Sam. We really don?t. You know how good we are, but this place?this place is something else.?

?Ugh. What do we have on the place, then??

?Beyond what I?ve already told you? Eh?it looks like they have a high priest-type figure, one that?s generally very well regarded and respected. Not quite an official leader of the region, but it seems like they could be, if they really wanted it. Name is?Huckooray. Something like that. They?re based out of a shrine of the same name.?

Sam nodded. ?I?ll try to get an audience with this person. They sound like the best chance I have for figuring out what?s going on here.?

?You really think it?ll be that easy? We have no idea who you are, and they?re probably protected if they?re that important. Plus, you?re a scientist, not an ambassador.?

?There might be security, but I?m sure an audience won?t be a problem. You don?t get far in priesthood without being a people person. If they?re really that important, then they?ll surely be empathetic and helpful.?

Al shrugged. ?If you say so. We don?t know exactly where this shrine is, though, beyond being somewhere in a forested part of a mountain.?

Sam considered this for a moment. ?Hmm??

He looked up again at the forested area where he first saw the floating shapes. They still looked humanoid. Maybe they were?

?Over there,? he said, pointing at the shapes. ?Those look like people. Might as well ask them about this high priest. It?s not like I have anything else to go on, anyway.?

?It?s worth a shot, I-oh, look, you have some company.?

?There you are!?

Surprised, Sam turned around to see a pair of women walking toward him, neither seeming particularly pleased. One was a redhead wearing a cape with a huge collar that hid her mouth from view, and the other a long brown-haired woman with very long nails and?were those wolf ears?

Eh, who am I to judge? I have spikes on my head.

In processing what was going on in front of him, Sam suddenly realized he had no concept of any sort of customs regarding how Japanese women greeted each other. He decided the best he could do was to acknowledge their existence with a smile and hope they took the lead.

?Good day, ladies.?

The canine woman seemed to bristle ever-so-slightly at this. It was almost imperceptible. The redhead, on the other hand, angrily jabbed a finger at him in response.

?Don?t start with us, Kijin. You know damn well why we?re here.?

?Uh??

Sam frowned, masking an inner sigh. It just can?t ever be easy, can it?

??Actually, I don?t. I barely even know why I?m here. I?ve been looking for the high priest?s shrine, but searching has been so frustrating, so I wandered out this way to cool my head.?

This only seemed to make the redhead even angrier. The canine woman, however, added a look of confusion to her already-apparent irritation.

?What the hell are you talking about? Are you just trying to make up something else to make us go away? We?re not stupid!?

?No, not at all. I?m sorry, have I offended you??

?What the hell do you think?! After all that?s happened, you really-?

The redhead stopped, realizing the canine woman had thrust an arm in front of her.

?That?s enough.?

?Are you kidding me?! You actually believe her??

?I don?t like cutting you off, Banki, but I think you might be getting ahead of yourself.?

?But she?s ? gragh! Fine!?

Banki kicked at the dirt in front of her, eliciting a small, strange wobbling from her head. The canine woman turned to Sam before he had time to think about it.

?You have some explaining to do before she flips out again, Kijin. What?s this about a high priest??

?You know, the one from the shrine that?s in a foresty part of a mountain??

Sam gestured behind him toward the forest with the flying humanoid shapes.

?I was thinking about searching out that way next, since I haven?t yet and it fits what I know.?

The canine woman looked over Sam?s shoulder for a moment, then looked back at him.

??You mean the Hakurei Shrine??

?Yes! That?s the one. Is it out that way??

?Are you barking mad, Kijin? Of course it?s that way. Everyone knows where it is. What are you trying to pull? Is this really how you respond to hairy situations??

?I?m trying nothing of the sort. I just need some life council, and I know this is my best chance.?

The canine woman?s eyes narrowed further. There was a pointed, uncomfortable silence, made worse by Banki looking ready to go back on the offensive at any moment. Sam would have started praying if he knew which deity was in charge of the area. Finally, a slight smirk appeared on the canine woman?s face.

??Okay, Kijin. You?ve reversed my mind.?

?Oh, thank y-?

?WHAT?!? Have you gone off the deep end, Kagerou??

?Don?t lose your head, Banki. We?ll be taking her there ourselves.?

?But she?Ohhhhh??

Banki looked back and forth between Sam and Kagerou, a realization slowly dawning over her eyes. Sam couldn?t make out anything else through the high collar, but he suddenly felt a little uneasy for entirely different reasons.

??Okay, yeah, I?m down with that. You got that, Kijin??

Sam nodded. The circumstances weren?t the best, but at least he was making progress on his only lead.

?Thanks. I appreciate any help I can get.?

Kagerou gestured for Sam to follow her.

?This way, then. And don?t even think about being a pain in the neck.?

---

The journey was frightening, to say the least.

Sure, there were no active, immediate threats to Sam?s life. But with some sort of large wolf woman in front of him, and an irate woman with most of her face hidden behind him, it was impossible to feel any modicum of safe. Stranger still was when the floating person-shaped figures came into focus ? they actually were people. Little girls in simpler outfits?with wings. With most of his willpower focused on not panicking, Same used the rest of not gawking.

Most distressing were their reactions to him. Many gave frightened squeals and flew away. Others would blow raspberries at him before flying off. A couple even hovered in place, watching him unblinkingly, only moving to twist their neck to follow him along. Sam frowned as his convoy made it deeper into the forest.

?Someone should tell them that it?s rude to stare.?

A chill ran down his spine in his response. He didn?t need to turn around to realize why, as he could practically feel the holes that Banki?s eyes were boring into the back of his neck in response. The snap from a twig that Kagerou?s foot found was even louder than normal, before silence fell upon the group once again. Sam couldn?t even bring himself to get back in contact with Al, who had disappeared somewhere before the little winged girls were in proper view.

Many minutes of painful quiet later, Sam found himself at the bottom of a stone staircase. Looking up, he noticed that a bizarre red structure stood at the top.

?Get to steppin?, Kijin.?

Sam nodded and followed the wolf woman up the stairs. Up, and up, and up and up and up?

Maybe I should learn to grow wings. Hell, I have horns already, why not wings to go with them?

Glancing around to distract himself from how many stairs there were, Sam noticed that Al had reappeared to his right. Al gave him a sympathetic look and a silent shrug, but nothing else. It suddenly occurred to Sam that, aside from Al, he hadn?t seen a single other man since he had arrived.

Good Lord, I hope that?s not what I?m here to fix.

Breathing heavily, Sam made it to the top step. A stone path before him led to a small house that looked like something right out of his World History textbook. The symmetry of the various curves of the different parts of the roof was admittedly very pleasing, as were the columns out in front, supporting the overhead of the porch. The zigzagging paper trails added some extra charm, strange as they were. Perhaps they were some sort of windcatcher?

Upsetting the aesthetic was a girl sitting on the front steps that looked like she belonged in Salem, Massachusetts more than anywhere in Japan. She caught sight of the group, jumped up, and ran toward them, waving.

?Hey-o! Look who it is! How?s my favorite group of troublemakers??

Kagerou rolled her eyes. ?I don?t know why you always try to sweep us off our feet. You know we don?t have stars in our eyes for you.?

?Aww, c?mon. Everyone knows Seija here?s my buddy for life!?

The little witch put her hand out. Sam smiled and gave her a high-five.

?You got that right!?

?Hahaha! See? Oh, hey, I like what you did to change your hair! How?d you manage that??

A growl came from behind Sam, followed by the very irritated tone of Banki.

?Enough of your games, black-white. We?re not here for you. We have business with the red-white. All of us.?

The witch frowned. ?Man, you?re no fun at all. Fine, have it your way. C?mon.?

Sam?s group followed the witch girl toward the building. Once they got near the door, she called out.

?Yo, Reimu! You got some more guests!?

An annoyed disembodied grunt floated through the door in response. Black-white flashed a thumbs-up and a grin to Sam, who returned the gesture.

Stepping inside, Sam found another young brown-haired woman dressed in red and white, sitting at a small, square coffee table with a blanket attached, a cup of something steamy in front of her. Her expression matched the sound Sam had heard earlier, and it only soured further when she noticed him. Before he was able to dwell on this new person, however, his eyes were drawn to the strangest sight yet.

Near this young woman, standing on the table, was yet another?very, very little girl. She couldn?t have been more than three, maybe three-and-a-half inches tall. What looked like a tiny bowl sat upon her purple hair, and a sewing needle hung at her side.

?Oh great, it?s you.?

The annoyed voice of the red-white prompted the tiny girl to look up. Her mouth opened in shock when she saw Sam.

?Seija?!?

Sam smiled and waved to the tiny girl, taking a step over to the coffee table.

?Hey, kiddo.?

The tiny girl sprinted toward Sam, stopping just short of falling off the table.

?Seija! What happened? I don?t understand! How did we lose? What went wrong? We were supposed to take down all the big bad people!?

The tiny girl looked to be on the verge of tears. Sam put on a sympathetic look.

?There, there, don?t be sad. We?ll be okay.?

?But-?

The tiny girl pointed toward the entrance to the room.

?Hey, who?s that guy? Is he a new friend??

Everyone turned to look, and Sam?s stomach sank when he saw Al in the doorway, a look of shock and irritation on his face.

?Who?s who, Shinny??

?I don?t see anyone.?

?There isn?t the tiniest hint of anyone outside, Miss Sukuna.?

?That guy! He?s right there! He?s coming inside!?

Coming to his senses, Al flashed a smile and a wave at the tiny girl.

?Sorry, little lady. I must?ve taken a wrong turn.?

With that, he vanished from the doorway and out of sight. The tiny girl was jumping up and down.

?Hey, you! Who are you? Come back here! Seija, quick, let?s get him!?

Sam nodded, praying that Al would find a proper place to hide.

?Right!?

Before Banki or Kagerou could react, Sam scooped up the tiny girl, who handed him her needle.

?Here! You?ve got better reach!?

Sam turned back around, girl in one hand, needle in the other, and ran out the door. On his way, he could have sworn the red-white was giving him a curious look, but that didn?t matter at the moment.

?Get back here, you!?

Fortunately, when Sam got back out to the porch, Al was gone. Sam made a show of looking around before shrugging.

?Sorry, kiddo, I don?t see him.?

The tiny girl flailed in his hand.

?Drat! He must have gotten away! You saw him, though, right, Seija??

Sam nodded.

?Yep. Forget him, though, and let?s get back inside.?

Re-entering the house and setting the tiny girl back on the coffee table, Sam noticed that the red-white was indeed giving him that look. Before either of them could say anything, however, Kagerou cleared her throat.

?Ahem. Here she is as promised, Miss Hakurei. I told you only we would have the balls to bring her here to you.?

Sam?s heart jumped. This was the high priest he?d been looking for. She responded almost absent-mindedly, keeping her look fixed on Sam.

?Uh, right, yeah, of course. Come with me for a moment, Seija.?

Sam nodded. ?Sure.?

The red-white stood up and made her way further into the house. Sam waved at the tiny girl again before making to follow.

?Be back in a bit, kiddo.?

The tiny girl smiled in return.

?Okay! I?ll be here!?

Sam followed the Hakurei priest through several rooms until they reached a small dead-end of a room with no furnishings beyond some kind of altar with a state on it. The priest slid the door shut behind them.

?Sit.?

Sam did so. The priest followed suit. She still didn?t look happy, but Sam noted that the irritation was gone from her face.

?So, Seija. You feeling okay??

Sam shrugged.

?Better than I was. I?ve been looking for this place, actually. Now that I?ve found it, my day has brightened a bit.

The priest nodded. ?Yeah, it seems all kinds get drawn here.?

??Beg pardon??

A moment of silence followed, before the priest sighed. ?All manner of people and creatures. Including you, whoever you are.?

Sam frowned.

?I?m afraid I don?t understand, Miss Hakurei.?

?Oh, I think you do.? The priest tapped the floor a bit for emphasis. ?Call it intuition, but something?s been strange ever since you got here. You actually let those two weaklings bring you here. You?ve been far too polite. There was that thing just now, whatever Shinmyoumaru noticed. I couldn?t see it myself, but I felt something there too.?

The priest pointed back in the direction they had come.

?And when you ran after it, you took Shinmyoumaru in one hand, and her needle in the other. I?ve never seen you use both of your hands at the same time. I was convinced you didn?t even know how.?

Sam could feel himself starting to sweat.

?You may look like Seija, but?you?re not actually her, are you? Who are you really??

Sam, sighed, putting his hands to his face.

??I guess there?s no hiding it, then. I understand you?re the high priest of this realm, yes? I must ask that what you hear in this room never leaves it.?

?As long as you aren?t a major danger to Gensokyo.?

?Nothing of the sort, I promise. I am Dr. Samuel Beckett, and I come from the state of Indiana, located in the United States. I?m a government official, and the reason I?m here now, looking like your Seija, is due to an accident from one of my experiments.?

The priest blinked. ??Okay, there?s a bunch of words I?ve never heard of before. What?s an Indiana or a United States??

?The Unites States is a country located across the Pacific Ocean from Japan, which is where I understand I am now.?

The priest looked taken aback before letting out a low whistle. ?You come from the outside world? Wow. I?ll have to talk to Yukari about this, once it?s all over. So you didn?t mean to come here, huh? Do you know how or why you?re here??

?In a way. I travel through time from person to person, taking things that went wrong and making them right again. We have almost no information on your Gensokyo, though, so I don?t know who this Seija is or why I?m in her place.?

The priest closer her eyes and hummed in thought.

?I think you may be here because of the recent incident of minor youkai going berserk and inanimate objects coming to life. From what Marisa and I could figure out, it sounds like you were behind all that, even though Shinmyoumaru had the mallet that caused most of the damage. You wanted the weak to take vengeance on the strong, and it almost happened, thanks to her.?

?This Shinmyoumaru is the tiny girl out there??

?Yeah. She?s taken a shine to you, though everyone else sees you for the lying, conniving, contrarian jerk that you?re really good at being. Given how impressionable she is, it wouldn?t surprise me if you sweet-talked her into joining your little scheme. Both of you took quite a beating before all was said and done.?

Sam nodded.

?That?s probably why I?m here, then. I have to go apologize to her.?

The priest nodded in return. ?That might do it. Before you go, though, I need a small favor.?

?Sure.?

?Hold still until I say otherwise.?

Sam watched as the priest pulled out a brush and a small rectangle of paper. She drew several intricate designs on it, before standing up and making her way behind Sam.

?This might sting a little, but since you?re not actually Seija, it might not.?

Sam felt the back of the collar of his shirt being pulled back, before the piece of paper was stuck to his back, between his shoulder blades. It gave a tingling sensation, but was not overly unpleasant.

?Thanks. That?ll teach her to be a jerk. You can get up now.?

Sam got back to his feet. Aside from the tingling, he didn?t feel any different from having a piece of paper stuck to his back.

?I think it?s time for me to right this wrong.?

The priest nodded once more and led him back to the main living room, where Banki and the witch girl were arguing about something. The conversation stopped when Sam and the priest came into view. Shinmyoumaru perked up.

?Seija, you?re back!?

Sam nodded and made his way over to sit at the coffee table, where Shinmyoumaru was waiting.

?You got a moment, kiddo??

?Of course!?

Sam took a deep breath.

?Listen. I?m really sorry things turned out the way they did for us. That was?that was my fault. I screwed up, and I got us both hurt.?

?Huh? What did you do??

?I started the fight in the first place. The strong and the weak shouldn?t be fighting each other. They should be helping one another, to make the world a better place together for everyone.?

Shinmyoumaru?s eyes sparkled. ??Wow! You?re so cool, Seija!?

Sam smiled. ?No more than my friends are. But that?s what happened, yeah. I?m really sorry you got hurt because of me.?

The tiny girl leapt onto Sam and gave his collar a hug. ?It?s okay, Seija! We?ll always be friends!?

Sam returned the gesture as gently as he could. ?You got that right.?

Shinmyoumaru giggled quietly before Kagerou cleared her throat again.

?That?s a wonderful reversal of attitude and all, but Banki and I, we still have business to attend to. Miss Hakurei, we?ve held our end. I trust you will be sealing the deal now??

?Right, of course. Just let me get-?

There was a flash, and the scene vanished from before Sam?s eyes.

Figures I would leave just as that finally got good. Ah well.

Sam reemerged to find himself at a table, suddenly aware of a weight at his right side. A long brown-haired woman in a red jacket was talking to him from across the table.

?Okay, Pam, you?ve had your fun and done your investigating. What do we need to do to take Freudia down??

Sam looked around to find several more sets of eyes focused on him. Another girl with icy eyes and very long blonde hair was sitting next to the speaker. On either side of him were two black-haired girls with long side ponytails in outfits that reminded him of nuns. Checking the weight at his side, Sam caught a glint of a very silver sword. He looked back up at the brown-haired woman, who was staring at him expectantly. Sam suddenly noticed the giant hammer standing up behind her.

?Well??

Oh boy.

---

Seija Kijin was having a very bad day.

After spending what seemed like days in someone else?s body in front of several dozen strange men in a strange room, she now found herself reduced to playing the role of living vehicle for a princess.

?You ready, Shinny??

?Yep! Giddy-up, horsie!?

Seija gripped Shinmyoumaru?s small-child-sized legs tightly and began running around the Hakurei Shrine grounds again, utterly embarrassed.

?That?s right, horsie! Make sure to give her a good ride!?

Seija gritted her teeth in response to the red-white?s mocking calls, figuring it was the only way she could keep herself from biting her tongue clean in half out of anger. It didn?t help knowing that the rokurokubi and loup-garou were sitting there with the red-white, snickering to each other and enjoying every second of her humiliation.

?Hahaha! Wheeeeee!?

Shinmyoumaru?s laughter, at least, pinged a little in her heart.

Well?maybe having fun with Shinny isn?t so bad. Some day, though, I?m gonna have my vengeance on the red-white, and when I get the chance to rip her limb from limb, I-

A jolt of energy surged from the talisman on her back all throughout her body, causing her to buck in pain and surprise. Shinmyoumaru squealed in innocent excitement at her ride?s sudden jerking to and fro. Seija sighed with a grimace.

Oh boy.

[Hello Purvis]

I am reasonably amused! Though I despair for a lack of Suika randomly slugging Sam Kijin in the kidney because she felt like it.

?Get to steppin?, Kijin.?

DAMN GINA

[Kilgamayan]

I rather think getting punched by an oni would kill Sam. :v

[Hello Purvis]

I imagine Seija's body gets punched pretty frequently.

[Kilgamayan]

Well, the hangup about using Quantum Leap rules is that it's questionable if it's really Seija's body. There was one episode where Sam took over someone that had lost the lower half of both of their legs, but he was still able to walk around fine (it looked to other people like the person was floating). So who really knows? 80s sci-fi, man. (This is why I avoided having them fly up the stairs.)

[Hello Purvis]

Ah! I entirely missed Quantum Leap back in its day, so I only know the basics. =[

[Tengukami]

That was an excellent Touhou fanfic based on Quantum Leap.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

Also, for the unfamiliar I highly recommend Quantum Leap for rainy day viewing or when hungover. It's goofy, but in a smartish way, and highly entertaining.

[Kilgamayan]

New short! Since Himiko is always taking writing/drawing requests from other people, I though it would only be fair if she got to request something from someone else. She ended up asking for "Sanae ruining someone's day."

My piece is below. Hope you like it!

---

“So, y’see here? There’s a patch of soil where them mushrooms grow more often.”

Parsee gave a low whistle. This particular mushroom patch was far larger than what one would normally see in the winding tunnels of the surface entrance to Old Hell. Normally she’d pay that annoying bucket no mind, but she had to admit that the bucket had struck gold this time. Metaphorically, anyway.

“Nice find, kid.”

Kisume beamed with pride. “No one better at this than me! Though Yammer’s no slouch either.”

“Have you tried any of them yet?”

“”Yeah, I had one! It was really good. If’n you want to try one for yourself, go ahead, we’re all family here.”

Parsee pursed her lips. “We’ll see. I guess I am a bit hungry.”

“Do whatcha gotta go! Hey, can you guard those real quick? I’m gonna scout around the area, see if’n there are more patches nearby.”

“Sure, sure.” Parsee waved distractedly as the bucket bounced off, leaving a “Man, what a score! I’m even greater than I thought I was.”

For an annoying bucket kid, she’s a really good forager. Grr, I wish I was this good at finding crops down here…

The bridge princess stared at the admittedly-very-tempting mushroom patch for a bit in silence. Eventually, she reached out and picked a larger one, studying it up close.

Well, she did say I could have one. Might as well…

Parsee opened her mouth.

“Halt, evildoer!”

“Huhwha-what?”

Parsee looked around in surprised, and spotted a pair of unfamiliar girls flying her way. The lead one, a human with long green hair and a blue-and-white shrine outfit, was pointing at her with a determined expression on her face. The other one, a teal-haired, heterochromic karakasa, was lagging behind and looked like she would rather be anywhere else in the world than right there. The human spoke; apparently the first voice was hers.

“You there, thief! Don’t think you’ll escape the justicular wrath of Omega Green!”

Parsee frowned. “What the hell?! What are you blathering on about?”

“U-um, Sanae…I don’t think she’s-“

“Power Para! I told you not to use that name while we’re out fighting crime! Now come on, we have a wrong to right!”

The karakasa gave a whimper and shrank back into herself. The human turned her attention back to the bridge princess, jabbing her finger once again.

“I saw how happy that poor green-haired child was to have found those mushrooms! I won’t let you take them from her!”

“What is your malfunction, you loon?! Kisume said I could have one. Just leave me alone and go play in Old Hell street traffic or something.”

“A likely story! Fine, if talking won’t work, I’ll just have to beat the light of justice into you! Ready to go down, ne’er-do-well?”

Parsee gritted her teeth in anger. “Oh, you wanna go? Bring it!”

The whackjob shrine maiden smirked and took on a fighting stance. A muffled “Uh oh…” came from the direction of the karakasa. Glancing over briefly, Parsee noticed that she had covered her face with her hands. Before she could have time to think about it, though, the shrine maiden started flying toward her.

Damnit, this is the last thing I needed. All right, gotta lead with something…let’s give Shrine Visit in the Dead of Night a go.

Parsee pulled out a spell card. “Malice Sign! Shrine Vis-“

The bridge princess snapped out of her internal gameplanning just in time to see the shrine maiden was already upon her – and bringing down her gohei, straight down between the bridge princess’s eyes.

Krack!

Parsee fell to the ground, grabbing at her forehead from the sudden immense pain. From somewhere nearby, she heard the karakasa shriek.

“San-er, Omega Green! What are you doing?!”

The shrine maiden examined her handiwork for a moment, then nodded in satisfaction.

“Yes, Power Para, I think that will do. Listen to me well, scum! I hope you have learned your lesson about stealing from small children! Never forget that justice always prevails!”

Parsee, not yet being able to fully comprehend the words she was hearing over the sound of pain, could merely hiss in response. The shrine maiden turned around to leave.

“Come, Power Para. Our job here is done. To the next crime scene! Omega Green, away~!”

And with that, the two took to the air and departed, the karakasa leaving a “Sorry!” lingering in the air.

Parsee groaned and sat up after a few more moments, rubbing her forehead. Checking her palm, she was relieved to not find any blood. Still, she could tell her head was going to ache for a while.

The bridge princess suddenly became aware of a familiar thunk-thunk-thunk sound in the air. Kisume was returning.

“Yo, I found Yammer, and she-WHOA! Shit on a stick, what happened to you?”

Parsee looked up to find a familiar blonde earth spider had joined the bucket. The concern was evident on her face.

“You okay, Miss Mizuhashi?”

Parsee glared at the newcomer. “What do you think?”

Kisume then pointed to the ground next to Parsee. “Hey, I know there’s a lot of mushrooms here, but I didn’t say you could go wastin’ ‘em like that.”

Parsee looked at the ground where the bucket was pointing. The mushroom she had picked had been dropped and mashed in the very brief skirmish.

The bridge princess groaned again.

[Tengukami]

"Power Para" is where I lost it.

I can also see Sanae playing superhero, easily. She's a character who also seems to have one foot in Gensokyo and one in the outside world, where she was born and raised. I wouldn't be surprised if she frequently tried to incorporate things she remembers from the outside world into her everyday activities in Gensokyo.

[Hello Purvis]

Reminder that Sanae is a highschool dropout

I am reminded of the Masked Mystere. And that is a wonderful thing to remind me of.  Also I concur with Ammystad on Power Para.

[Kilgamayan]

Yeah, when Himiko made the request, overambitious superhero was the thought that sprang to mind immediately. It was so obvious and perfect that this is actually the fastest I've ever written a Touhou story, and by a long shot at that.

I will say that Himiko's full request was actually "Sanae ruining someone's day, or everyone's day maybe". This begot two ideas, the one you've seen here, and a longer, more elaborate story that covered the second half. That will come at a later date, however.

[Kilgamayan]

This short piece was inspired by a Tumblr post Furuishika made recently about Shinmyoumaru and the struggles of being inconveniently short. I commented on that post with most of this idea, but I?ve since come up with a proper resolution to the Stunning Shrimp Saga.

If anyone has ever wondered what my take on the SeiShin dynamic is, this is it to a T.

---

?You don?t want to do this.?

Seija looked down at her three-inch companion, who was busy brandishing her needle at the sign at the beginning of the line.

?Yes I do! This is an outrage! This is discrimination! I?m gonna show them!?

Seija sighed and put a hand to her head. ?Shinny, listen to me. I know you. You?re going to scream and cry and probably wet yourself. You might even throw up or have a heart attack. You will hate every nanosecond of this. It should tell you something when I?m saying that this is one part of the system you don?t want to fight. You really, really, really don?t want to do this.?

?I don?t care! It?s the principle of the matter! Who do they think they are, telling people they must be??

Shinmyoumaru stuck her hand as high as she could stretch it.

this tall to ride the roller coaster?? I?ll show them! I?m gonna do it anyway! I bet it?s tons of fun and they just don?t want to share with short people!?

?No, that?s there for safety reasons. If you?re too small, you?ll go flying out of the seat and hurt yourself really badly.?

?I don?t need some dumb ride to fly! I can already do that!?

Seija pointed at a passing coaster car. ?At your size? Not at those speeds, you can?t.?

?Mrrrrrrrr??

Shinmyoumaru stamped her foot a few times, before her face slowly split into a grin.

?I know!?

?Hmm??

Seija leaned down a bit to see what Shinmyoumaru was talking about. Her stomach dropped a bit when she saw her companion pull out a familiar golden hammer.

?Oh, boy. Shinny, please.?

Too late. Shinmyoumaru tapped herself on the head with her mallet. One small burst of magic later, Shinmyoumaru was many inches taller, now coming up to Seija?s shoulder ? and just barely passing the line on the sign.

?Hahahaha! Take that, you stupid sign! This is what happens when you try to oppress the small and weak!?

Shinmyoumaru then grabbed her friend?s sleeve and started hurrying up the path to the roller coaster.

?C?mon, Seija, let?s go! This is gonna be great!?

?Wha-hey! Slow down!?

Shinmyoumaru only giggled in response. Seija sighed inwardly.

---

??aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa?!?

The roller coasted finished its first long descent and started whipping through several corkscrews at eye-watering speeds. The blaringly-loud high-pitched screaming came from a certain horrified lilac-haired rider in the very front, sitting next to her decidedly unimpressed contrarian companion.

?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASEIJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?

Seija rolled her eyes at Shinmyoumaru?s bawling, making sure to keep one hand clamped down on the inchling?s head so her bowl didn?t fly off. The wind from the ride whipped a white streak of hair into her eyes, and she brushed it away in irritation with her free hand before dropping it back down to her side within the car.

?I told you, you didn?t want to do this. I hope your next two minutes of sheer terror is worth it.?

?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?

[Tengukami]

The roller coasted finished its first long descent and started whipping through several corkscrews at eye-watering speeds. The blaringly-loud high-pitched screaming came from a certain horrified lilac-haired rider in the very front, sitting next to her decidedly unimpressed contrarian companion.

Artist's conception.

That was hilarious and adorable in equal measure. Also nice to see the roles flipped between these two a bit; i.e., Seija being the sensible one and the little princess being all FIGHT THE POWER.

[Kilgamayan]

That's pretty much the kind of thing I was going for, yeah. The picture I imagined the most when writing this, though, was the "end-of-ride" picture a lot of coasters do, where Shinny is an utter mess of tears and flailing limbs while Seija is leaning her elbow on the side of the car while using her hand to prop up her head and looking like she's never been more bored in her life.

[Hello Purvis]

I was anticipating the mallet's kickback causing her support to give out.

Regardless, I am amused.

[Kilgamayan]

oh man i'm back

For those that do not follow my Dumblr, the fourth image in this photoset fascinated me so much that I ended up writing a story about it, one with a higher word count than the Touhou/Quantum Leap crossover. (Warning: Artist's Pixiv has a fair number of NSFW images.)

The tricky thing with this story, though, is that I didn?t want to write something so sexual as what?s depicted in the image in question. I actually wanted something as realistic as possible. I sometimes get story ideas by looking at strange, sexual-or-easily-sexualized situations, remove all of the sexualization, and try to find a positive, practical resolution to the situation.

The result is below. I hope your enjoy it!

---

Something was off.

This was a major concern. In the world of Kasen Ibaraki, nothing is ever off. But there was no denying it; something was off.

Kasen wiped the last of the sleepiness out of her eyes with her good arm and sat up. These actions were strange. They felt?heavier than normal. Nothing straining by any stretch of the imagination, but noticeably different. Throwing the top of the futon off of her body, she quickly looked herself up and down. Nothing appeared to be different. Frowning, she flexed her arms a couple of times, and then her legs. No pain, no difficulty, just?a weird heaviness.

She got dressed and headed to her kitchen to prepare breakfast. After serving her various pets, she sat down to her own food. The heaviness, whatever it was, had not gone away.

I wonder if something is wrong with me. Perhaps I should consult the Lunarian physician today?

No worries, dear, nothing?s wrong. You?re just fine.

Bestowed with the sudden self-reassurance, Kasen took a bite of her breakfast.

Delicious and nutritious, just as always.

Of course! The best way to start a day.

Kasen stopped chewing and dropped her utensils in the table.

Wait a minute. I know that voice.

She looked around the kitchen, her head still bizarrely heavy. No one else was present.

?Okay, Seiga, knock it off. Where are you??

Why, I?m right here, dear.

?I don?t have time for your games. Where. Are. You??

Oh my, there?s no need to shout. I told you, I?m right here.

Growling, Kasen stamped around her mansion, looking through every room, her temper only rising as the unknown heaviness went with her. The blue-haired hermit was nowhere to be found, however.

Come now, you?re all in a tizzy. I know you?re better than this when you?re calm. Would you at least like a hint?

Exasperated with the rapidly-souring morning, Kasen threw her hands into the air.

?Sure, why not??

?Try checking your mirror.?

?Checking my...wha-!??

Shocked into silence, Kasen?s hands flew to her mouth. She had just?responded to herself. But?she didn?t say all of that.

Did she?

Kasen ran as fast as she could back to her bedroom and stood in front of her full-length mirror. The woman that stared back at her was no different from normal; short pink hair with double buns, white blouse, green skirt, rose-pattern tabard.

And then the woman spoke with a smile.

?You found me!?

Kasen?s heart skipped several beats as she realized those words had come out of her mouth. With her voice.

How?what??

Oh, may I communicate this way again? This is much more convenient, don?t you think?

Wait! What? How are you hearing me? How am I hearing you? What?s going on?

Oh, that?s easy. You?re such a fascinating individual, I just wanted to get you know you better! But you?re so awfully, terribly, cloistered about yourself. Your mind, your heart, your soul, you?re so protective of everything.

That doesn?t mean you can just enter my house and control me like one of your jiangshi puppets!

That?s not it at all, dear. You see, the way you?re so protective of yourself, one might say?you?d built a fortress around yourself, to keep people out. A protective fortress, with some incredibly thick walls?

?You?You can?t be saying?

So I did the only logical thing. I opened a hole in that wall you built and stepped through! And now I?m here. Isn?t it wonderful~?

Kasen dropped to her knees, clutching her head and shaking in sudden terror.

?No?No?No?

I?m afraid so. But come now, I?m not that bad a roommate, am I?

NO! STOP! GET OUT! RIGHT NOW! GET OUT!

Calm down, dear. This state, it doesn?t suit you at all.

SHUT UP! GET OUT! JUST?GET OUT!

Not with that attitude, missy. You need to get a hold of yourself. If this is how you?re going to act, then I?ll just wait until you?re doing throwing your fit before we try this again.

NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW!

Breathing heavily, Kasen looked wildly around her room for something, anything to fix the situation. No solution presented itself, no matter how hard she tried.

Several minutes passed with no word from Seiga. Kasen slowly slumped the rest of the way to her floor. Tears started to form in the corners of her eyes.

?Are you finished? Can we try talking again?

?Why?why?why is this happening?

Kasen heard a sigh in the back of her mind.

Look. I?m sorry to have spooked you so, dear. I promise you, that wasn?t my intent. Truly. Now, can we please discuss this situation?

?please?let me be?

I don?t want to hurt you, Kasen. That?s not why I?m here. Please, just listen to me, and we can work this out.

Kasen couldn?t think of a response, electing instead of lay on the floor, sniffling.

?I?m going to pick us up off the floor now. Okay?

Still nothing.

?I?ll take that as a yes.

Kasen watched and felt her arms move to push herself back into a sitting position, the rest of her body moving to accommodate. It was a bizarre sensation, feeling herself move around without wanting it, exerting the physical effort but not the mental. Her arms planted themselves behind her, supporting the weight of her torso, as her legs stuck themselves straight out in front of her.

There we go, much better. Still not the most dignified look, but that?s not so important now.

...Why are you doing this?

Because you?ll get all dirty lying on the floor like that, and that doesn?t suit you.

Not that! ?Why did you do this to me?

I told you, didn?t I? You?re such a fascinating individual, and I wanted to know more about you.

By crawling inside my head?!

Well, technically, I?m not just inside your head. I think it?s more that I?m inside?you, in a way. But I suppose it may make the most sense to think of me as inside your head.

What does it matter where exactly you are? How did you even DO this?

If you?ll forgive me for saying so, the details are unfortunately hard to describe, and I don?t think they?d mean anything to you even if I tried.

Kasen tried to resume a normal breathing pattern. It took some time and effort, but soon she got herself under a semblance of control.

Okay. So?all right. Please give me a moment.

Certainly~

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

All right. This is the situation we?re in. You?re?in me, somehow, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. And we can talk, or whatever this is, just by thinking.

That would seem to be the case, yes.

So?what exactly can you do?

Anything you can, like so.

Kasen?s head tilted so she was looking at her bad arm. Her eyes followed it as it made a few figure-eights in the air.

That?s a bit frightening, to be honest. Not to mention disorienting.

Why not try it for yourself?

Shrugging, Kasen made to mimic the aerial pattern. Before she could complete the first loop, however, her arm suddenly stopped in mid-air, meeting some sort of resistance. Frowning, she pushed a little harder, and got a little more motion before the resistance increased and her arm stopped again.

As I said, anything you can. It appears we?re in equal control.

Okay, that?s REALLY frightening. You?re telling me that I can?t do anything without your approval?

That works both ways, dear. And since my body is inside you, I imagine that whatever happens to you also happens to me, so I have a vested interest in not messing around very much.

Is?is that where this heavy feeling came from? You?

Never ask a lady about her weight, dear~

Uh?right. So?what do you plan to do, now that you?re here?

Well, I admit this trip wasn?t quite as enlightening as I had hoped, so I?ve had to scrap several ideas. It seems that not all of them have gone to waste, though~

Kasen suddenly became aware that one of her good hand?s fingertips was sensually sliding up the length of her left thigh. She jerked the hand away.

HEY!

Ah, come now, dearie, this opportunity doesn?t exactly present itself to me every day! You take such gooooood care of yourself, too...

The rogue hand started making its way back toward her torso. Kasen calculated where it was headed and promptly froze it in place.

NO. Absolutely not. Don?t even think about it. That is NOT okay.

Oh, well, if you insist?

I do.

Understood~! So what else would you like to know?

Right, yes. So how are you going to leave?

Oh, that is an excellent question!

?And?what is the equally-excellent answer?

That is another excellent question! You?re such a smart cookie, dear. I promise you, the instant I figure the answer, I?ll be sure to let you know.

?Wait?what?

Well, surely I would have told you such an important detail up front if I knew it. What kind of a person do you take me for?

So?you don?t know how to get out of me?

?Tee hee~

If Kasen's hair buns could have been blown off by pure rage, they would have found themselves through the ceiling.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEN?!?

I figured I could just turn around and leave the same way I came in. But that doesn?t appear to be an option now. Who knew this process was so complicated?

SO I?M JUST STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER?

Now, now, I?m sure there?s some way to return us to normal. Isn?t there a satori that lives underground? Perhaps she could help sort us out.

?Uhhh?I, uh?I don?t know about that?

I?m not sure what other options you have. Unless you?d like to ask the gap sage for help?

...Eeeeeeeeegh?I guess?if we HAVE to go underground?

You shouldn?t be so nervous. I?m sure things will work out fine!

Kasen felt her hand poking the corner of her mouth in an attempt to make her smile. Under different circumstances, it might have worked.

Very well. If this is what must be done?I?ll do it. But how do we get there?

I can take us there, if you?re willing. You can stop me any time, of course.

I?think I would rather you simply tell me where to go.

No joyride for your poor roommate? Ah well, have it your way.

Kasen shuddered at Seiga's choice of words.

Oh, come now. You don't have to pretend you dislike me! Besides, you wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, now, would you?

---

The flight to the entrance to the underground was not long, and soon the hermits found themselves heading through the various tunnels.

So for all this, you haven't told me much about yourself, have you?

I think you've already gotten far more familiar with me than I ever wanted anyone to become.

Oh, that's wonderful! It's like we're bosom buddies already!

Kasen made a noise somewhere between grunting and choking.

But I did notice you don't live alone. That was quite the volume of animal mouths to feed this morning! I didn't realize you were such a pet person.

Of course. I've found that woodland creatures are much more enjoyable roommates than other people.

Oh? What do you mean?

Animals have a beautiful simplicity to themselves. Their wants and needs are very basic. They don't get caught up in the complexities present in every facet of humanoid life. They make it through every day, and when you help them out, whether they really need it or not, they're very grateful.

Ah, I see! That is all very true, isn't it? How romantic a view of life you have.

It's only logical. I have no problem with most people, but they're too high-maintenance.

Life is a lot simpler and easier when one discards worldly desires, yes? All anyone really needs is food, shelter, and a hobby or two. Everything else is varying levels of decadence.

Ahead, Kasen noticed a green-haired girl in a bucket, digging around in a rare small patch of dirt. The girl looked up as Kasen went by and waved. Kasen smiled and waved in return.

Exactly. Like that girl there, there is no glitz and glamour to her, just hard work and self-sufficiency. She knows how to live simply and properly.

Yes, and her tsuchigumo friend is much the same way, from what little I have noticed. It does make me wonder, though. You take care of all of your pets, but what about taking care of yourself?

Ah, that's simple. A sharp mind can only be honed in conjunction with a sharp body. I keep a rather strict meditation and physical training regimen to keep myself at peak performance.

Ooh, that sounds quite tough. What precisely do you do, then?

Kasen found herself discussing her habits with Seiga, both her own upkeep and that of her pets. She was surprised with herself when she realized how easily it all flowed, but at that point she didn't mind. Every so often, Seiga would impart information about her own life as well, such as how airiness was one of her ?hobbies?. The wicked hermit claimed her mannerisms kept people on their toes. Kasen wasn't sure it was the best method, but she couldn't disagree with its effectiveness.

Eventually, Old Hell came into view. Kasen slowed to a halt at the entrance to the grand cavern and stood there, looking out over the city.

What's wrong, dear?

I...am not good with oni. They somehow manage to take life simplicity and make it extremely high-maintenance. It would be a very clever thing if they weren't rowdy with inebriation every waking second.

Ah, I see. Fortunately for you, the satori's mansion is on the outskirts of the city, over here.

Kasen's head and eyes turned to follow her arm pointing at a large manor to the east of the city. The sudden shift in perspective made her a little dizzy for a moment.

Oogh, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. At least I won't have to deal with it for much longer.

Sorry, sweetie. Anyway, that is your destination.

Kasen surveyed the area between where she was and the mansion. She was pleased to see that a lot of it was river, and that there was a fair amount of space between the city proper and the mansion grounds. Still, while the direct route would not require entering the city, it offered no cover.

Looks like I'm going to have to fly low to the water to have any chance of getting by unnoticed.

Hmm hmm hmm...may I try something, dear? I promise it won't harm you.

...What are you planning?

To try to give you an option for hiding. I can't guarantee it will work, but trying and failing is better than not trying at all, don't you think?

...Very well. But one wrong move, Seiga, and Great Maker help you...

Of course, of course. Now, let's see here...

Kasen watched as her focus shifted to the cave wall next to her. Her good arm raised itself until her hand lightly touched the top of her head, between her hair buns. Her wrapped arm reached out for the wall. She then felt a small, strange sensation of power flowing through her wrapped arm, an energy that appeared to originate from the top of her head where her good hand touched it.

Seiga, what are you...!?

Kasen's eyes widened as a hole formed in the cave wall. It was several feet in diameter and fairly deep. It would be no trouble at all to climb into the hole ? as her body then demonstrated for her, pulling itself into the wall before turning around to give her a more protected view of the city.

There! Now we have some more hiding options.

Wha...how is that possible?

Well, dear, I did say I was inside you, didn't I? I'm not just a voice in your head, you know.

Still, though, I would have thought you would need your hair pick to do that.

I do, which is why I wasn't sure if it would work. But it seems I can harness it just fine!

...I see...

So, with that established, let's get out of this hole, shall we?

Kasen nodded and clambered out of the wall back to the cavern entrance.

...Okay, Seiga...I'll do it.

Hmm?

I can't make those holes, and it would be too much of a risk to try to coordinate our movements. So...I'll do it. I'll let you have control, if you can get us through this.

OH! Oh, Kasen, dear, do you really mean it? I promise I'll take good care of your body! I'll feed it every day, and I'll clean up after it, and-

Don't make me reconsider this, please.

Oh, fine. You know, you could stand to learn a thing or two about having a sense of humor from the black-white.

Just?let?s get this over with.

As you wish! Just sit back, relax, and enjoy flying Air Kaku!

Kasen felt herself being picked up in the air, in preparation for the trek across the water. Her head and focus shifting of their own volition again, she became dizzy again and started tensing up, resulting in her body going through rather stiff and jerky motions to take to the air.

Kasen, dear, when I told you to relax, I wasn?t joking. I?ll handle this, so just don?t worry, okay?

?Um?I?ll try?

Kasen let go of the tension in her arms, and found that they stayed in the air of their own volition. It was a curious sensation, somewhere in between resting them on a piece of furniture and having them carried around like she was a marionette. Seeing this first success, she then let go of her legs, followed by her head and neck. Nothing untoward happened, and soon enough, she was being taken along the outer wall of the giant cave, skimming close to the water, one hand placed upon her head just to be safe.

In the midst of using most of her willpower to beat back her nerves, Kasen felt an odd exhilaration in the whole experience. There was something?free to having her body and focus moved around for her, requiring no effort on her part to control them. She briefly wondered if this was one more thing she could give up to make life easier, before promptly dismissing the idea as absurd in general and cruel in particular to whichever person would effectively be kept imprisoned in her body. Somewhere in her mind, Seiga giggled and said she wouldn?t recommend it either.

The trip was more eventful than Kasen would have liked, as much as she had to admit that Seiga did an excellent job of keeping alert and hiding in the cave wall the few times it was needed. She wondered exactly why and how Seiga was so well-versed in not being noticed by people she didn?t want to notice her, a thought to which her ?roommate? didn?t respond. Eventually, they landed on the manor grounds, well away from the city.

And there we are! My job is done, so here you go.

Kasen suddenly felt her entire body go limp and caught herself mid-fall before she completely crumpled to the ground in a heap.

Gee, thanks. So this is it, huh? Let?s not waste any time.

Making her way around to the front of the mansion, Kasen passed by a stone pillar that roughly matched her in height. The pillar had a plaque that read ?Komeiji? embedded into it; Kasen silently thanked the fates for averting the near-disaster of not even knowing her soon-to-be-helper?s name.

Arriving at the front door, she gave it a few solid knocks. After a small amount of activity beyond it, it opened to reveal a redheaded kasha, smiling from ear to ea?wait, does she have two pairs of ears?

?Hiya, strange lady! What can I do for ya??

?Hello. Is the master of the house available??

?Uhhhh, maybe. Whatcha need??

Kasen put a hand to her head. ?I have been having some neurological issues lately. I understand Miss Komeiji has experience in this field and may be able to help.?

?Mrrr?wait here, okay??

The kasha closed the door most of the way. Kasen listened to the activity inside, at one point hearing what sounded like ?Satori-sama!? from the kasha?s voice. Eventually, a second, quieter voice was also audible, though Kasen could not make out what it and the kasha were discussing.

I hope that was good enough. I?d hate for Miss Komeiji to think I?m here to ask her to invade someone else?s privacy.

Oh, I?m sure we?ll be fine, dear. I imagine she will at least be interested when she hears two sets of thoughts coming from what looks like one person.

That would make sense. I pray you?re correct?

The activity inside became louder and closer, until the door swung open to reveal the smiling kasha again.

?Okay, pink lady! Satori-sama says you can come in and see ?er!?

Kasen nodded. ?Thank you. Please, lead the way.?

?Gotcha!?

The kasha bounded off up the flight of stairs that landed right before the front door, turning left and disappearing almost as soon as she reached the top. Kasen had to hurry just to keep up. Upon reaching the peak of the stairs and looking down the left hallway, she spotted a pair of tails disappearing through a doorway on the right.

Heading through it, Kasen found herself in a sitting room. Lacy doilies were scattered everywhere across the furniture, while several unfamiliar portraits occupied parts of the walls that were not covered by the giant bookcase in the near corner. A particularly squishy-looking armchair on the far end of the room was occupied by a pink-haired satori youkai, who regarded Kasen with a raised eyebrow. A book laid face-down on her lap, presumably still open to whichever page she was on before guests arrived. Standing next to her was the kasha, looking no end of pleased with herself for a job well done.

This must be Miss Komeiji. I wonder why she chose a chair so far away from the bookshelf?

?Walking between the bookshelf and this chair provides a small amount of exercise. It does no good to the mind to try to read while the body is not energized.?

Kasen jumped a bit in surprise before reminding herself that this was precisely why she was here. The kasha giggled a little bit. The satori placed the book face-down on one of the arm rests of her chair and stood up.

?Forgive my rudeness. I am Satori Komeiji. Welcome to the Earth Spirit Palace, Miss Ibaraki, Miss Kaku. I can see now why you?both have come here. This is a most curious case indeed, hmm??

The kasha blinked.

?Uh? ?Both?? Satori-sama, my name?s not Kaku or Ibawhatever! And you know why I?m here!?

?Of course, Orin. I was referring to our two guests here.?

??But there?s only one!? I don?t get it!?

Satori turned back to Kasen. ?You did tell her?? Ah, no, you did not. Orin, while you may only see the body of one person, it currently contains the?being of two, I suppose is the best way to put it.?

?Oh. ?Okay! I still don?t really get it, but it must be true if you say so, Satori-sama!?

Kasen cleared her throat. ?Yes. Not to rush you, but now that the confusion is cleared, do you have any idea how to rectify our predicament??

?I may. Miss Kaku, you can still harness your hair pick?s effects, yes??

?I can indeed~?

Kasen felt her head nod up and down in confirmation. She immediately grabbed it with both of her hands to stabilize it, trying not to fall over from the disorientation. Through her slightly blurred vision, she could see Satori making her way across the room.

?Good. Please do so. I?m going to try connecting directly to both of your minds.?

Satori reached out and gently touched Kasen?s forehead with a single finger. Kasen felt her arm take residence once more upon her head. A curious sensation perked up; it seemed some sort of low-level energy was trickling through the hermit, starting at her head and gradually working its way down. It was not wholly pleasant, but it was far from painful.

?Wha-?

Kasen became aware of Satori beginning to say something before stars exploded throughout her vision. All sound suddenly blurred together unintelligibly. The hermit was vaguely aware that she had lost her balance. A shudder ran through her body, followed by a dull pain somewhere on one side, right before she blacked out.

---

??tori-sama? Satori-samaaaa???

A voice, seemingly far-off, stirred Kasen into a painful and dizzy consciousness. Giving herself several moments to breathe, she sat up and looked around. It appeared she was still in the Komeiji sitting room, albeit all by herself. While looking, she was aware of herself enough to notice that this movement felt even heavier than before.

I really hope this is just because of how dizzy I feel?

?Uhhhgh?I had better not be where I think I am?

Oh, it?s not so bad, my dear. Just look who you?ve got for company!

A renewed feeling of dread welled up in the hermit?s stomach as she listened to the shouts of the kasha, coming from elsewhere in the mansion.

?Satori-samaaaaaaaa!?

Kasen?s body began to vibrate in rage. She inhaled deeply.

What?s wrong, sweetie?

?SEIGAAAAAAAAA!?

---

Yukari Yakumo watched the uniquely bizarre scene in front of her, fan folded across her face.

She absolutely adored her fan. A lady of her stature must be able to project an elegant-yet-intimidating aura at all times. Not only was her fan a symbol of her rank in Gensokyo, it also served her well to hide her emotions, to keep those who sought to consider her their equal guessing at her true thoughts. With what she had been presented just a moment ago, it was more than pulling its weight in that regard.

For Yukari Yakumo, uncrowned ruler of Gensokyo, feared and respected by all, had never in her life had to struggle more to maintain a straight face and not burst into laughter.

An afternoon chat over tea with her favorite red-white shrine maiden had been rudely interrupted by one Miss Kasen Ibaraki. Normally she would have been content to play mind games to shoo the annoying recluse away, but today was different. Her movement was stiff and sluggish, she carried a familiar-looking bucket that contained a few meager life supplies far below the class where Yukari knew Miss Ibaraki liked to live, and, most curious of all, she seemed to be the source of several distinct souls and consciousnesses, each also familiar in the own ways.

Adding to the hilarity of the hermit?s distress was watching Reimu?s eyes boggle at the sight. Ah, to be young and unable to see through simple facades?

The hermit appeared to be cycling through all known emotions on the psychological spectrum. Yukari watched as ?Kasen? transformed looks from a dignified desperation to outright terror to surprised anger to frustrated hopelessness.

?Ah, Miss Yakumo! I?m afraid I have a favor to ask of you. You see-?

?Wahhhhhhhh! I?m stuck in some weirdo! Satori-sama, help-?

?Hey! Gap hag! You gotta get me outta here! I didn?t sign up for this bullshit! I was just mindin? my own business, and this-?

?PLEASE LET ME HANDLE THIS!?

Yukari felt her grin widen dangerously behind her fan ? hopefully it was all still behind her fan ? as Reimu nearly blinked her eyeballs out of their sockets at the show. Today was going to be a good day.

[Kilgamayan]

So this hilarious and adorable piece recently made its rounds through my little corner of Touhou Tumblr, and while I?m pretty sure we all know where it goes, I decided to write the follow-up as a short story anyway.

Thanks to pidpigeon for the original concept and writing prompt inspiration!

---

An opportunity for peace and quiet had finally come to pass, and she was taking full advantage of it.

Miko sat on the floor of a secluded room deep in the Divine Spirit Mausoleum, attending to some well-deserved meditation. Considering she and her subjects desired to be left to their own devices, life sure had been busy and full of people after their arrival in Gensokyo. Learning the ways of their new neighboring realm, participating in the meeting of powerful religious figures, dismissing her former mentor, calming her menreiki child, making the acquaintance of the delightful pink-haired hermit, chasing after that decidedly-unpleasant amanojaku, dealing with swathes of humans that wished to become her apprentices, disciples, servants, worshippers, whatever role they could find to be near her?life as a shikaisen saint was meant to be less stressful than ruling, not more!

While she had certainly not run herself ragged in taking care of everything, having time to herself to meditate was more than welcome. Normally, she would dwell on the various Taoist sutras, but today, she was going for pure calm and relaxation.

An unknown amount of time had passed. The room lay completely still, providing the harmonious white noise of silence to accompany her breathing Her mind drained more and more of the stresses it had accumulated. She could not tell if she had fallen asleep at any point, but it was certainly possible.

Nothing in life is better than this?a hot springs soak for the soul.

Miko became aware of a presence, one coming down the hall toward the meditation room. The spiritual energies of the presence suggested a person; the distinct lack of footsteps suggested a certain ghostly person. The person made their way to the door to the meditation room before stopping still.

Miko discerned conflicting desires from the person. They desired her attention, but also did not wish to interrupt her meditation. Allowing herself a slight smile, Miko made the person?s decision for them.

?Enter.?

The door slid open, and the person floated into the room.

?Please forgive my interruption, Taishi-sama.?

?Think nothing of it, my dear Tojiko. You know I am never displeased to see you. Please, tell me what I can do for you.?

Opening her eyes, Miko noticed that Tojiko wore a very unsure look on her face. ?Well, Taishi-sama?there is a?how shall I put this?Futo is, ah??

The smile left Miko?s face. ?What is the matter? Has something happened to Futo??

?Well?yes. It?s just, ah?we both think she needs your help.?

?What has befallen her.?

?She?forgive me, Taishi-sama, but I think it best if you come see.?

Miko nodded. ?Lead me there.?

Miko followed Tojiko through the mausoleum, pondering to herself what predicament Futo could be in. Eventually, they came upon a storeroom, from within which Miko could hear the sounds of some sort of struggle. She frowned.

?Futo! What?s wrong? Are you injured??

The response was oddly muffled.

?Crown Prince! Is that you? Thank the fates! Please, I beg your assistance!?

Miko arrived at the storeroom entrance as Futo finished speaking, answering the question of why her voice was so muffled. The sight was baffling. Never in her life had Miko imagined the scene in front of her would ever come to pass.

Standing in the center of the storeroom was Futo, dancing about in a panic, a large, brown jar covering her entire head and neck. The golden contents of the jar were slowly trickling onto her shirt. Her hands were on the side of the side in a futile attempt to yank it off. When this failed, her arms started flailing in non-rhythm with her running around.

Miko turned to Tojiko with the blankest look she ever had. Tojiko could only sheepishly gesture in Futo?s direction before shrugging.

??Uhhhhanhhheeuhhh???

Miko then turned back to her panicked, imprisoned advisor, now noticing the rather crude label?wait, was it written it katakana?

?Futo?why is your head in a jar of honey??

?This infernal pottery deceived me! I was merely following the practices of a foreign Taoist text, and the promised release of its grip never came! Please, Crown Prince, thou must believe me!?

Miko could find no words to verbally dignify Futo?s predicament any further. Tojiko floated over to her fellow advisor, clearly wishing to help, but unsure of how and afraid to get too close into the flailing range.

?Curse these blasted jars! How long I have known them to be the harbingers of evil, and yet still I allowed mineself to be drawn into their grasp like a neophyte! I must see to their end once and for all once I am free! No good has ever come of any of them!?

Tojiko bristled a little bit. ?Hey!?

Not wanting the situation to get any further out of hand, Miko formulated a plan to resolve the immediate problem with all the dignity it deserved.

?Hm! You two, hush, quickly!?

Miko gave Tojiko a knowing stare while putting a shushing finger to her lips. Tojiko looked mildly confused, but didn?t respond. Futo?s flailing slowed a bit so she could better listen to her leader through the ceramic. A few seconds of silence hung in the air before Miko spoke again.

??This cannot be?! I sense large amounts of activity nearby! I believe the Myouren Temple has found their way into Senkai!?

Futo froze in place. ?What?! How??

?I don?t know, but it does not matter. Tojiko, to me! Futo, you are in no condition for combat. We will defend this place. Hurry, run, get away from here!?

?Crown Prince, please let me-?

?Now!?

??U-understood! Please forgive my helplessness! May the fates smile on us all this day!?

With those parting words, Futo took off like a shot away from Miko ? straight into the back wall of the storeroom. The thud of her body hitting the wood was only exceeding in volume by the pang of the jar?s collision as she crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap.

After staring at the limp body for a few seconds to be sure it did not move, Miko sighed and turned to Tojiko.

?I am returning to my meditation. I believe the situation has been sufficiently addressed that I can trust you to resolve the remaining issues.?

Tojiko flashed an evil grin. ?You can count on me, Taishi-sama.?

Miko nodded and left the storeroom, ignoring Tojiko?s dancing fingers as she turned and floated over to her partner?s unmoving body.

[Kilgamayan]

New Touhou story!

On My Oni (AO3 Link)

This is a Kasen sadfic in which I continue to be incredibly cruel to my precious pink hermit. I promise, I really do like her a lot! (Don?t read this if you?re in a poor mood.) Be sure to note the tags before reading, just in case.

Please enjoy!

[Kilgamayan]

New collection of Touhou shorts!

AUs For When Your OTP Are Both Assholes (AO3 Link)

A collection of shorts based off of the AUs presented here. When that post first crossed my dash, I knew immediately I would have to write Touhous into the scenarios. The result is my first and probably only piece of Touhou yuri, so treasure it while you can.