Author Topic: Alternative Gensokyo  (Read 4434 times)

Alternative Gensokyo
« on: April 11, 2013, 02:57:02 AM »
Index:
Reimu

Chapter 1

Marisa
« Last Edit: August 09, 2013, 06:44:56 AM by Lavalake »
Currently a normal player

Re: Alternative Gensokyo
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2013, 05:44:20 PM »
I'm seeing a good few typos here, I think you could do with a proofreader.
The main issue I'm seeing at the moment is that it's just a list of events happening one after another, there's little to no emotions or descriptions. It makes it feel very rushed, and makes it harder to care about the characters.
The premise is interesting, and I want to read more to know what happens, but it's very hard to read at the moment, I'm afraid.

Re: Alternative Gensokyo
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2013, 01:47:47 AM »
I updated chapter one with more details and emotions. Don't know if this satisfies you yet.
I'm delaying the next part for some days. But make some constructive critisms please, for the people who have read the story, but didn't post.
List any typos of fixes too.
Like if I type "Your" when it's supposed to be "You're".
Otherwise. The next part should come out once I plan all of the events in the part.
Enjoy.
Currently a normal player

Kero-chan

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Re: Alternative Gensokyo
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2013, 09:24:10 AM »
I like the story. Good job. :P
I wonder if Sanae has my Ohagi ready...

Re: Alternative Gensokyo
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2013, 12:57:40 PM »
Okay, typo list GO!
What if the day hadn't come. Would Gensokyo still be the same. Or would chaos ascend.
Question marks needed here.
Quote
It all started in the late summers.
"during late summer" would be better, also I'd put a linebreak afterwards if I were you.
Quote
The trees were bright yellow,
Should be "are".
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Some chaos here, more fighting here.
"More fighting there."

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"Just leave it alone, Cirno's not going to eat it. At least I hope."
"I hope not"

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"But, Suwako is going to smack me for not saving the frog." Sanae's eye become watery. A tear slides down her cheeks, creating a stream of water after it.
"Sanae's eyes become watery. Tears slide down her cheeks, leaving a stream of water behind."

Quote
Reimu stares at Sanae with a black look.
"blank"
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None of them move at all. Quietness fills Reimu's house like everyone had left. The only thing moving and creating sound were the trees swaying gently in the wind.
"Neither of them move at all. Quietness fills Reimu's house as if no-one was there. The only things moving and creating sound are the trees swaying gently in the wind. "
Quote
"Patchouli reported of another theft by Marisa. That thief needs to know not to disrupt my tea time."
Lose the "of". "needs to learn"
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Reimu groans as she does not want to get up, and leave her tea to cool.
"Reimu groans, as", "leaves her tea"
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As Sanae leaves to go, night falls, and it is just one day away from the start of the end.
"As Sanae leaves to go, night begins to fall, and it is now just one day away from the beginning of the end. "
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because of the Youkais that wander the streets at night.
The plural of Youkai is Youkai.
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Reimu drinks the rest of the tea in a hurry,
"Reimu hurriedly drinks the rest of her tea,"
Quote
After the whole danmaku battle for the book,
"the usual
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and eventually, Marisa's lost,
"Marisa's loss"
Quote
the book which looks new and polished.
"the book, which appears to be as yet unread."
Quote
Reimu takes off and flies to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. On the way there, Reimu wonders why the stars seem so different tonight, and why she gets a feeling something bad is about to happen soon. After easily getting past the sleeping guard, which was snoring loudly. Sakuya should be here anytime soon to wake the guard. After entering the building, Reimu addresses the issue to Sakuya, who immediately goes to take care of the issue. Walking into the basement, Reimu smells the air, and immediately becomes tired. The scent of the books just waver over Reimu, as she trudges toward Patchouli's desk. Patchouli thanks Reimu for the return of the book. As Reimu turns around to leave, Patchouli says, "Reimu, take a look at this."
Use linebreaks!
"She wonders why", "who was snoring loudly", "Reimu mentions it to Sakuya", "Walking into the library", "The scent of books surrounds Reimu",
Quote
and a book titled "Lost Land", which also looks old, but not as old.
"but not as ancient as the map."
Quote
Patchouli shows Reimu her new studies and what it's about. "It seems, about a thousand years ago, there was a great war in the real world. This great war caused massive destruction and the cause of separation of many lands. I bet Gensokyo, was one of the lands. But what I was looking for was... This." Patchouli points to the bottom left of the map. "It seems like this place was the place before Gensokyo. But what was really interesting was that..." She points to the top right corner of the map where there is a land the same size as Gensokyo. "This was also called Gensokyo. It's full name was 'The Darkness of Gensokyo's wrath,' which basically meant it was the Gensokyo's wrath at the real world's war. What surprises me is that, there are people living there. And they look just like us." Patchouli points to her book where there was a picture of Cirno, but she is using fire instead of ice, and the background is much darker and miserable than this Gensokyo, almost like Gensokyo was swallowed by darkness. Right next to is a picture of Marisa, but she has the shrine, and looks to be in charge. In the picture, Marisa looks older and more sophisticated than in this Gensokyo, she seems like a whole different person.
LINE!
BREAKS!
PLEASE!
"Patchouli shows Reimu her new area of study.
"It seems, about a thousand years ago, there was a great war in the real world. This great war caused massive destruction and was the cause of the separation of many lands. I think that what is now Gensokyo was one of these lands."
Patchouli points to the bottom left of the map. "It seems like this place was the place that became Gensokyo.
But, what's really interesting, is this..." She points to the top right corner of the map where there is a land the same size as Gensokyo. "This was also called Gensokyo. It's full name was 'The Darkness of Gensokyo's wrath,' "
Quote
which basically meant it was the Gensokyo's wrath at the real world's war.
I have no idea what this sentence is supposed to mean.
"What surprises me is that there are people living there. And they look just like the inhabitants of Gensokyo." Patchouli points to her book where there was a picture of Cirno, but she is using fire instead of ice. The scenery is much darker and more miserable-looking than this Gensokyo, like it had been swallowed by darkness.
Right next to it is a picture of Marisa, but she is at the shrine, and looks to be in charge. In the picture, Marisa looks older and more sophisticated than in this Gensokyo, she seems like a whole different person."
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"Marisa is not a shrine maiden worthy person." Reimu says trying to calm herself. But it doesn't work.
"shrine maiden-worthy", "Reimu says, trying unsuccessfully to calm herself."
Quote
Is this true, Reimu thinks.
"Is this true? Reimu thinks."
Quote
Reimu thinks about this for a second, but quickly dismisses the idea. "That is a bit unusual don't you think?" Reimu gets really worried, she begans to sweat a little. She says bye to Patchouli. Reimu flies out of the Scarlet Devil Mansion faster than usual. Her face is red and sticky from all the sweat. The information was to much to handle, in one day. Even for Reimu. Looking down, Reimu sees many sites, but the chaos of these sites doesn't make the thought of another Gensokyo go away. What if what Patchouli found was a true thing? The thought just makes Reimu more worried. When she gets to her house, she gets surprised by Suika, who is swinging from tree to tree. Then, Reimu hears a splat, and then Suika crying out loud. When Reimu gets down, she sees Suika right before the shrine with tears coming from her eyes. Suika's knees are bruised, but not too badly, they're only scraped.
You know what I'm going to say here, right? Line. Breaks.
Also, you don't need to repeat Reimu's name so often, pronouns are your friends.
"begins to sweat", "sees many things happening, but they don't", "was real?", "is surprised", "a splat, followed by Suika's crying."
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The crying sounds overlap the sounds of the wind.
"The sound of crying mixes with that of the wind."
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Suika stops crying a little and asks, "Do you have Sake?" A grin crosses Suika's face.
"Suika's crying eases a little and she asks", "her face"
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Suika thinks for a minute, and in that minute, the birds start to fly above their heads, and says, "Sake."
"heads. Eventually she says"
Quote
Suika whines sadly and leaves, but her horns get stuck in the doorway. "Ow!" She falls backwards, while Reimu makes her tea, thinking of the idea of another Gensokyo somewhere out there. What if what Patchouli said was true? What if there was darkness that Gensokyo left behind and it formed another Gensokyo, a dark one? "That hurts!" Suika starts to cry again, which Reimu doesn't even notice, this time. Memories of the many pictures in the book flashes in Reimu's head. Suika continues crying. All of them stay for quite a while, but only one stays in Reimu's head for more than five minutes, the one of Marisa.  Suika, still cyring, gets up and walks through the doorway, but this time, sideways.After exiting the door, Suika turns around and slams the door shut, slowly. Reimu dismisses the thought. It's too much to think of at the moment. Maybe after a good rest. But it's tea time.
Again, Linebreaks. Also, it is impossible to slam a door slowly.
"but Reimu doesn't even notice this time.", "flash though her head", "dismisses the thoughts.", "But now, it's tea time."


To be honest it's mostly grammar errors, rather than misspellings.

And remember, I'm just offering advice. You're in no way obligated to do anything I suggest.

Re: Alternative Gensokyo
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2013, 06:42:31 AM »
So, I've decided to start all over, because I felt like I was rushing things a little bit too much. Some ideas are changed and some are staying. Obviously the main plot is staying.
This chapter is a bit short.

Chapter 1 Reimu
It started on a bright sunny day. The wind was silently blowing and the sky was clear blue. Birds happily chirped and sang. It was as ordinary as Gensokyo gets.

It was noon at that time. Gensokyo had no idea what was going to happen. Not even I knew.

~

Sigh. I sat down in exhaustion. Another minor incident happened today; Cirno decided to freeze the Human Village, again.

"You dare get in my way?" Cirno said in an annoyed way. She shot five shots forward, each with a forty-five degree difference in between.

"Is that all you've got? You're wasting my time a third time." I pulled out my spellcard "Spirit Sign 'Fantasy Seal'." I raised it up into the air, and the spell shattered into pieces, which will repair itself later after a few minutes, as a means of a penalty. Two red, blue, and green orbs surround and circle around me. The red orbs are the first to launch out, followed by the green, and then the blue.

Cirno's eyes widened. The orbs hit her in the same order as they left, with each orb sending out a wave that causes more damage. Cirno fell backwards and landed on the icy floor.

She got up, and yelled, "I'll get you another time!" With this final statement, she flew away in defeat.


She is always a piece of cake, and a waste of time.

At that moment, the birds stop chirping, the wind stops coming, and everything seemed too quiet.

That's odd. In my years in Gensokyo, this has never happened. There was always a youkai and or fairy causing a ruckus. I walked towards the door in curiosity. I flew up into the sky to investigate. I decided to go back to the Human Village to check on everyone.

As I flew, I noticed that there are no youkais or fairies flying about; everything was inanimate and silent.

Nearing the Human Village, I saw that all the humans were walking about like they always do. That is, until I landed and saw that everyone had a nervous look on their face. They seemed like they were scared for something, but none of them knew what.

And then I saw what was happening. The border that kept Gensokyo safe and the outsiders from know of Gensokyo, was now shattering into pieces. Slowly, the wall that everyone counted on was demolished. Dark clouds rolled into Gensokyo, and the sky turned black.

I was too shocked to even decide what was going to happen.

After about a few minutes, I got over my shock and flew up and saw that some were doing the same. Marisa was to the right, about over her house in the Forest of Magic. Sakuya and Remilia were to the left, over the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

And then more youkais and fairies were rising into the sky.

I looked below at the humans, and told them to evacuate into their houses. They did as I followed.

After doing that, I dug into my pocket, and held on to one of my spells. I don't know what is coming, but I need to brace myself for the impact.

Off into the distance, I see a lot of figures flying towards us. I look at Marisa as she looks at me, and we nod in agreement of our silent idea. I look back at the incoming pack, which is close enough to see now. They all look like minor fairies, which shouldn't be a problem.

The fairies each shoot a stream of five homing bullets. towards us. Everyone dodges with ease, and shoot at the fairies. A couple fall down to the floor, but most of them dodge.

The fairies then shoot another stream of bullets, and we dodge with ease again. We then try a different tactic to shoot down the enemies. I just use my less powerful homing bullets, while Marisa shoots a laser not as powerful as Master Spark.

Most of the fairies fall to the ground now, and the rest retreat. But then we see something that shouldn't have happened. The fairies that fell down, are all shattering and fading, which means death. We usually only shatter, and respawn sometime later.

I hurriedly flew over to Patchouli's library in the basement of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, to research more on this. And Yukari should be contacting me sometime soon about the broken border.
Currently a normal player