Topic: Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green  (Read 2260 times)

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Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green
« on: June 03, 2013, 10:31:26 pm »
Hello people of ShrineMaiden, Patchouli Scarlet Library people! I am doing a Touhoumon fanfic! I am also doing this to practice to become a light novelist for my own story someday. So feedback would be very much appreciated and thank you. ;D

Lets get started!

Prologue

Throughout time, strange and mysterious creatures have appeared on this planet. We call them Touhoumon. Many Touhoumon have developed on our world since their appearance. Old stories about conflicts between humans and Touhoumon have been passed down to this day. However, as time passed, we learned how to coexist in peace, and the story continues to this day. Although researchers have detected hundreds of different types of Touhoumon, there are still many yet to be found.

Today, trainers collect and train Touhoumon. Some of these trainers even dream about becoming Touhoumon masters. These trainers must be highly spirited and highly devoted. The journey to becoming a Touhoumon master is tough and the trainers on this journey are faced with a lot of challenges along the way. They are all met with a common goal: To be the very best.

We are now met by a young girl, Maribel Han, who also dreams of becoming a Touhoumon master.

"Today I will finally get my first Touhoumon!". Maribel shouted in happiness.

Without a word to her mother, Maribel rushed through the door to Rikako laboratory. When Maribel arrived, she was shocked. The laboratory was a mess. Big, red letters, "TR," had been written all over the building. Maribel turned and noticed Professor Rikako. She did not seem happy.

"Professor Rikako,.. what happened here?," asked Maribel, alarmed.

"Huh?" Rikako responded in surprise. "Oh it's only you Maribel... Some thugs broke into my laboratory last night and stole most of the Touhoumon I had stored for new trainers..."

It is unusual for someone to break into the laboratory. The Asakura laboratory is renown throughout the region for its security. How were these thugs able to steal all the Touhoumon in one night?

"Does this mean that there are no Touhoumon left...?" Maribel thought.

"That's awful...". says Maribel, concerned.

"Yes..." Professor Rikako walked to the desk.

"Well there is one Touhoumon left for you. Your rival Renko has taken the other one. I swear when I get my hands on those thieves they will wish they had never messed with Professor Renko!".

The professor picked up the lone Touhouball on the desk and said.

"Before I give you this, you should be warned. This Touhoumon is very aggressive...".

Maribel took the Touhouball from the professor without delay and thought.

" Rikako seems really stressed because of this mess... I should thank her properly before I leave.".

"Thank y-". Maribel said, overjoyed.

"Wait..." the professor interrupted

I nearly forgot to give you these"

The professor fumbled around for something on her desk.

"These are your Touhoudex and Touhouballs. This Toudex is a encyclopedia of Touhoumon. Whatever new Touhoumon you find will be recorded straight into the Touhoudex. If you want to find new Touhoumon, you will have to leave this area and travel further into the region, to fill the Touhoudex.".

As Maribel left the laboratory, she was filled with joy. She had finally received her first Touhoumon!

"I should head back home to get ready and say good-bye to my mother first. My journey is about to begin!"

Prologue  -END-
« Last Edit: June 09, 2013, 12:44:28 am by AzureAmulet »

Unfortunate

  • Nickname: The Literate
Re: Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2013, 02:45:13 am »
First, your grammar needs lots of work. I'm guessing that English isn't your native language or that you don't have much experience writing? Because the way you punctuate shows your inexperience. There are missing commas, apostrophes, and misplaced periods. Periods are not supposed to placed after lines of dialogue, at least not in the context you're going for.

Second, repetitively repetitive words. It really shows during this bit: "my adventure starts, my adventures of Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green Adventure starts!". Repetitions are grammatically sound and can at times spice up the text, but the way you use it seems ridiculous. It would've been better if you cut it out or replaced it with another line of description.

I can't really say much about the characterization, seeing as there's not much to go on yet.

One last thing, don't use *action* in a story. *Actions* are unnecessary and it doesn't fit in a narration.
Re: Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2013, 07:47:44 am »
First, your grammar needs lots of work. I'm guessing that English isn't your native language or that you don't have much experience writing? Because the way you punctuate shows your inexperience. There are missing commas, apostrophes, and misplaced periods. Periods are not supposed to placed after lines of dialogue, at least not in the context you're going for.

Second, repetitively repetitive words. It really shows during this bit: "my adventure starts, my adventures of Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green Adventure starts!". Repetitions are grammatically sound and can at times spice up the text, but the way you use it seems ridiculous. It would've been better if you cut it out or replaced it with another line of description.

I can't really say much about the characterization, seeing as there's not much to go on yet.

One last thing, don't use *action* in a story. *Actions* are unnecessary and it doesn't fit in a narration.

Wow... That bad huh? English is my native language but when I read it, it seems perfectly fine to me. 0,o I try not to use repetitive words in my stories but sorry if I do.  Well I'm going to go to sleep for now, and I will fix it all up when I wake up, I stayed up all night working on my college art work. : p

-EDIT-
-Fixed grammar mistakes. : P

-EDIT  09/06/13 01:13a.m.-

Sorry its taking so long to post another chapter guys, at the moment I'm still writing it up. I should be able to get it done by later on today. : p
« Last Edit: June 09, 2013, 12:15:06 am by AzureAmulet »
Re: Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2013, 07:37:36 pm »
Chapter One –The Rival Appears


I arrived home to give my mother the good news, and then walked upstairs to my bedroom, and began to pack to start my journey in the region.

“Alright this should be all of it.” Maribel cheerfully said.

Before I left to begin my adventure, I double checked through my red and white bag, just encase I wasn't missing anything important. The backpack was filled with food, water and my Touhouballs. I departed the house and I thought of the best place to catch my first wild Touhoumon...”Viridian Forest” I said to myself.

“I guess its about time I left.”. Maribel thought

I waved goodbye to my mother, it will be a long time until I return back to this rich, lush, green village again. It was still early in the morning, there were no trainers or Touhoumon in sight. I was having no luck finding Touhoumon anywhere...I gave a slight *sigh* and decided to sit down and take a little break from looking for awhile.

“Maybe I just came out at the wrong time...”. Maribel sadly spoke.

Suddenly I felt something hard rubbing against my back, it sent a chill down my spine, but I had no doubt it was a Touhoumon. I turned around as fast as I could with a Touhouball trapped between two of my fingers.

It was only the wind blowing a brunch twig, caressing my back. Maybe our hero just wasn't searching in the right area...Suddenly a Touhoumon jumped out of the tall green grass revealing itself, I swiped one of my Touhouballs from my pockets and threw it high in the air. The Touhouball opened, releasing the Touhoumon inside, received from Rikako.

Getting out the Touhoudex to check out what kind of two Touhoumon stands before me, were, Chibi Reimu and Chibi Wiggle. Both were of a different type, Chibi Reimu being the normal type and Wiggle a bug type. Mine only knew of two moves which were Pound and Growl.

“I'm not going to let you get away, say goodbye to your freedom in the wild Chibi Wiggle!” Maribel confidently uttered

Ordering the Touhoumon to unleash its pound attack onto the enemy, instantly refused to obey its trainer.

“Rei!”.  Chibi Reimu rebelled.

Dumbfounded by her own Touhoumon not listening to its tamer, Wiggle commence to attack using Pound. Chibi Reimu dodged to the right angering her, though now the attack was aimed at me. After barely evading the Touhoumon strike, a gust of smoke filled the battle area. Eventually the smoke cleared, and I would have been knocked out cold or even killed if that attack had landed a hit on me.

Our protagonist never knew the Touhoumon could have such power...Chibi Reimu blasted through the air, and used Pound making a critical blow onto Chibi Wiggle. This was my perfect chance to capture my first feral Touhoumon. Quickly pulling out one of my Touhouballs, I threw it across to Chibi Wiggle. Bumping onto its head, it opened turning the Touhoumon into red energy, and sucking it inside the Touhouball.

The Touhouball swayed from side to side and came to a stand still.

"I just caught my first Touhoumon!" Maribel cheered.

Picking it up I raised it to the azure skies doing my victory pose.

“There are still so many Touhoumon to see and catch, I can't wait to see what lays ahead in my journey.”. Maribel excitedly stated.

Lifting out my other Touhouball from the left side of my pocket, to return Chibi Reimu back inside. A crimson beam was shot out, Chibi Reimu avoided it. I tried again and again, but it never caught her. Chibi Reimu became pissed off with me, and ran towards me hitting me onto the head. I fell to the ground landing on my butt, my head was beating with pain by the Pound attack.

I got back up and stopped trying, maybe Chibi Reimu didn't like it in her Touhouball. She flew onto my white hat and sat down, I carried on walking through Viridian Forest. It seemed that she was more like the trainer and I was the Touhoumon.

“Saaa!”. Unknown cries of a Touhoumon screamed.

A Touhoumon cry was heard coming from deep within the Viridian Forest.

"So I am not the only trainer in here after all.". Maribel thought to herself.

I was determined to check it out later if he or she would still be there, but for now my first and second priority was to catch the rest of the Touhoumon lurking around in this large forest, and to find a way out of this place to heal my Touhoumon. While searching around for more encounters, I thought I should comfort about my Touhoumon attitude problems.

I took and hold Reimu in my hands.

"Don't you like me Reimu?". Maribel curiously asked.

"Mu!". Chibi Reimu stubbornly turned her head away.

Chibi Reimu struggled her way out of my hands, and hop onto the ground and ran.

"W- Wait!". Maribel yelled out.

Though chasing after her further into the giant woodland, I was losing my breath until, all together I lost sight of her. Getting out a bottle of water to recover my stamina, I kept running on.

"I'm not going to give in so easily!". Maribel devotedly replied.

After hours of looking, Maribel was covered in cuts and pieces of her clothes ripped from collision of unknown Touhoumon, tripping over and running through prickly brushes. She heard her Touhoumon cries and located where the sounds were coming from, Chibi Reimu was badly hurt and clashed with a first evolved Touhoumon. It was about to use one of its attacks, I flowed and grabbed Chibi Reimu, but it had hit me on the back and I skidded across the ground.

With deep pains occurring everywhere in my body, I still managed to keep a smile on my face.

"A-Are you alright Reimu...?!". She concernedly asked

"....". Chibi Reimu keeps quiet...

The Touhoumon was loss for words and confused, why would Chibi Reimu trainer go this far for her after everything Chibi Reimu did? An incoming assault was coming behind them, Chibi Reimu jump over Maribel and blocked it by using pound. Pushing the enemy back, Reimu landed back onto the ground safely in front of her instructor ready to fight.

Our leading person slowly got back up with a long and big grin across her face, and holding her right arm.

“Ready to kick some Touhoumon butt Reimu?”. Maribel happily mentioned.

“Reimu!”.  Chibi Reimu pleasurably responded.

The opponent began to come forth with its next attack, Reimu flipped to the left side before it had hit the ground.

"Now! Attack with everything you got!". Maribel roared

Reimu hasten up to the enemies side, and blitz using pound making a contacted bash. Reimu Jumped back and was ready for the next set of commands. The antagonist got back up and ran away into the bushes. Our lead may have lost the strong evolved Touhoumon, but Maribel has made her bonds with her first Touhoumon stronger.

"Wonder what kind of Touhoumon that was?". Maribel wondered.

Maribel got out her Touhoudex and checked up on the data of what Touhoumon she fought. It was a first evolved Tewi (L), it used the ability Run Away to escape.

"No matter, I'm sure we will see it again someday.". Maribel softly commented

It started to get dark, Maribel decided to set up camp and let out her new Touhoumon, Chibi Wiggle, out of its Touhouball.

"Wig!" She cheerfully answered.

Introducing Wiggle to Chibi Reimu, got onto Reimu nerves and slapped both me and Wiggle. Wiggle seemed to be less tamed than before, but even though this is the first friendship connection we will both make.

“I guess we still have ways to go with each other huh, Reimu.”. Maribel laughed.

After a long night of fun, I woke up with Chibi Reimu with her foot in my face, and Chibi Wiggle sleeping on my belly. Slowly and quietly getting out my Touhouballs, I returned Chibi Reimu and Chibi Wiggle back into their balls, and got ready to locate the nearest Town.

After getting ready, packing up the camping equipment, I traveled along the path until I reached the first city, Pewer City.

“Finally, back into the safe zone again...” Maribel said gladly.

Walking to the Touhoumon center to heal my Touhoumon then, came out Renko Usami!. I ran up to her giving her a surprise hug attack!

“Renko! Its you!” Maribel filled with Joy.

“M-Maribel?! What happened to you? Where did you get all these cuts from?”. Renko said highly with much concern.

Maribel and Renko went into the Touhoumon center which was full of trainers, they both sat down, and Maribel explained her story of what happened, and what Maribel has been through.

“I see...” Renko quietly speak.

“So you have catch your first Touhoumon, and you got all these damages around your body protecting your first Touhoumon.” Renko worriedly said

Renko stood up, and turned towards Maribel.

“So you are thinking of becoming a Touhoumon master aswell?” Renko curiously wondered.

“Y-Yes!” Maribel stuttered.

Renko began to smile and laugh.

“If you want to become Touhoumon master and champion of this region, you will have to surpass me. Don't take it personally, but you will never become Touhoumon master or champion.”. Renko viciously grinned.

Renko made a scary face, but that didn't threaten Maribel to call it a quits. The very words of not being able to surpass, Renko, or having what it takes to become a Touhoumon master, got Maribel furious. Maribel stood up with a Touhouball in her left hand.

“Don't underestimate me or my Touhoumon, Renko.”. Maribel courageously said.

Maribel and Renko were creating a commotion in the Touhoumon center. Renko smiled, its as if she steamed Maribel up to have a Touhoumon battle, to see how she has progressed since last day ago in Viridian Forest.

“Let's see what you got Maribel, I can't call you my rival if you're too weak!”. Renko shriek.

Chapter One – Rival Appears -END-

Finally! Chapter One is done, hope you enjoyed this chapter, because next chapter Maribel and Renko of course, are going to clash in a Touhoumon battle.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2013, 07:52:09 pm by AzureAmulet »

Dumanios

  • Nickname: Speedbump
Re: Touhoumon Adventures Fire Red/Leaf Green
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2013, 12:19:40 am »
I'd say my interest has been caught.

I saw a few errors here and there. In the first post, there's Professor Renko instead of Rikako, and there are a few mistakes in the second post.

"Walking to the Touhoumon center to heal my Touhoumon then, came out Renko Usami!." The structure is a bit confusing, plus the punctuation.

"but that didn't threaten Maribel to call it a quits" A quits? Also, there seems to be some POV-shenanigans going on.
 

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