Topic: The Netherworld of Youkai  (Read 2124 times)

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Kaos Sakana

  • Neophyte
The Netherworld of Youkai
« on: May 01, 2013, 08:38:46 pm »
Hey guys. :)
This is my first fanfic (that i'm making a serious attempt to finish). It's a crossover fic, so fair warning if you don't like that sort of thing.

Also, the first chapters are a little too wordy in my opinion. I'm going to work on that in the later chapters, but for now, here is chapter 1:

The Netherworld…
*Soundtrack: Lord Laharl’s Hymn ( ) *
The scene fades from black into an overtop view of a demonic (albeit tacky) castle towering over the barren underworld. Demons can be seen everywhere gambling and fighting. Small masses of land can be seen hovering high in the air with no visible force keeping them afloat. The horizon is filled with dark purple clouds and black mountains. Canyons and cliffs tower over pits of fire and lava, the violent red light they produce visible at scattered spots at ground level. Yet despite the downtrodden atmosphere, the general mood is carefree. Not necessarily relaxed, but lazy. More than anything, this atmosphere seems silly. Almost like a carnival; a horrifying, nightmarish carnival, but a carnival nonetheless. The scene begins to zoom into a higher window of the tower, speeding up until the view from outside disappears almost instantly. Within the walls of the tower, a young boy is visible sitting atop a throne built for someone of much more stature then him. The boy sits leaning on one hand, the other tapping impatiently on the arm of the throne. As he sits idle, a strange penguin like creature with peg legs, blue skin and a fanny pack at his front scurried up to him, tripping once along the way.
“We almost have the device ready Lord Laharl!” the creature said with a slight surfer accent. As he said it, his beak didn’t move for pronunciation.
“It’s about time! You damn prinnys work so slow it’s not worthy of an Overlord like myself!” Laharl said in an obnoxiously raised voice. As he finished his bloated statement, he raised himself from the throne and began walking towards the window. Peeking out of it, he could see below a dimensional gate nearing completion. A simple ring, probably larger than several houses, was surrounded by prinnys. It was too high to see the finer details of what they were doing, but it appeared that they were working on the object. Laharl grinned widely, showing his teeth and raising the two very long antenna like strands of hair on his otherwise eye length blue hair. His red eyes had an evil shine in the back of them.
“I can’t wait.”…


*Soundtrack: Immaterial and Missing Power Pre-Battle Theme -Wanderings ( )*

The scene fades from black to a lush, woodland like landscape. The vegetation is varied and colorful, seemingly foreign from each other yet all existing together. Among this landscape, a very out of place western style mansion is visible on the far side of a large lake. The scene rapidly moves towards this mansion, zooming in past the front door and settling in a grand foyer. The room was richly furbished, fit for a high class master. The interior, like the exterior of the house, was distinctly European; right down to French maids scurrying around each hallway. Beyond the foyer was an even larger main living quarter. Centered in this room was a table large enough to line up at least 20 to 30 guests, but within its chairs sat just one girl. Her wavy dark blue hair barely graced her shoulders as she tilted her head back to sip her tea. She wore a pink mob cap and dress with bright red trimming. Next to her stood a single maid with shoulder length silver hair; a long braid running down each side of her face tied at the ends with green bows. Both of the women were very youthful in appearance, particularly the girl sitting down. Upon finishing her last sip of tea, she stood up from her chair, revealing a short stature. More striking than that, she revealed a bat like wingspan stretching on either side of her.
“Lady Remilia, is there anything else you need?” said the maid, bowing her head slightly. The short little vampire sighed deeply before responding.
“I think that will be all for now Sakuya.” Remilia said in a depressing tone.
“Lady Remilia, what is troubling you?” Sakuya pried. Remilia turned towards Sakuya before speaking.
“Would you think less of me if I said I was depressed out of sheer boredom?” Remilia said through a small forced grin. Sakuya ‘s mouth gaped for perhaps half a second.
“Lady Remilia, I could never think less of you!” Sakuya said in all seriousness.
“Yes, I suppose I should expect an answer like that.” Remilia smiled sadly as she said this. There was a pause before she spoke again. “It’s been so boring around here since that visit from the shrine maiden.” Remilia dreamily gazed at the ceiling, acting very out of character from her normal, confident behavior. Sakuya was actually getting flustered thinking of how to react. But before she could, Remilia continued. “I guess I just want something to happen.” She stated, still looking at the ceiling. The two stood in silence for a few more moments. Finally, Remilia shook her head as if to shake the feeling out of her. “Enough of this. I’m ready for my bath.” Remilia said sternly, suddenly anxious to change the atmosphere.
“Right away Lady Remilia.”

*no music*

“Wow! It’s so big!” said a very impressed fallen angel. She stretched out her cherry red wings as she did, and her eyes widened in amazement.
“Flonne, you’re a little too easily impressed.” Said a much darker toned demon girl. Almost as if to contrast with the fallen angel’s white blouse, this demon wore a very revealing black two piece outfit. Her red hair tied on either end of her head opposed Flonne’s long blonde hair. The only thing the two physically had in common were their red eyes that seemingly everyone in the netherworld shared.
“But Etna, how did all these prinnys even make something like this? It’s the biggest portal I’ve ever seen and they don’t even have thumbs.” Flonne said as she gestured her own thumbs up and down as if to demonstrate their use.
“Will you both shut up!” Laharl barked, even more anxious and obnoxious then his usual self.
“What’s your problem today? Isn’t all this exactly what you wanted?” Etna asked, actually somewhat curious as to why Laharl was so wound up.
“Well it’s obvious why Laharl is so angry. Without love in his hea-“ Flonne started, but couldn’t finish.
“GET OFF OF THAT LOVE CRAP FOR 5 MINUTES!” Laharl screamed, almost pushing Flonne to tears. Etna just sighed to herself and gave up speaking.

Two figures were visible in a dark, basement like room. One was a tall feminine figure with striking long, straight red hair; two braids running down either side tied with black ribbons. She wore an olive dress and cap, with a star on the cap featuring the character “龍” (dragon) in the center. The other figure was much smaller, smaller still because she was sitting down on the floor. She had short blonde hair that reached down just a little bit farther then Remilia’s, touching her shoulders in any position. Her hair was tied in a ponytail on the left side of her head, the ponytail reaching farther down then the rest of her hair. She wore a red skirt and overshirt, with a pinkish white blouse underneath. She had strikingly red eyes like Remilia, but most noticeable of all were what appeared to be wings on her back. The wings were seemingly made of crystals of different colors, bizarrely hanging like Christmas lights on a tree.
“You seem depressed Miss Flandre.” spoke the taller of the two, her arms crossed at her waist.
“I’m so bored.” Flandre said simply. As she said this, her head tilted upward to look at the tall woman, revealing a very glazed, narrow expression in her eyes. “Where is that witch that visited us once? I want to fight her.” This coaxed an awkward facial expression from the taller woman.
“Miss Flandre, it’s very unlikely we’ll be seeing her for a while, especially since we don’t usually allow visitors.” As she said this, her face began to look guilty. “Besides, if you want to fight someone, you can fight me for fun. What’s a simple witch compared to 4000 years of Chinese history and martial arts. She would stand no chance against the great Hong Meling.” China said very smugly, feeling a sort of pride she probably didn’t deserve.
“You don’t fight as good as her.” Flandre said in as monotone a voice as one could imagine. China’s expression instantly went from smug to defeated. “Are there other strong people?” Flandre abruptly changed the subject, still speaking monotone as she did.
“Huh? Well, yes. There are probably a lot of strong people outside the walls.” China instantly regretted what she said, seeing Flandre’s face light up for the first time all day.
“So if I went outside I could just fight them?” Flandre’s voice was very childish and excited as she said this. China pursed her lips together before speaking again.
“Miss Flandre, you know you’re not allowed to leave the mansion.” China stated very maternally.
“I can with my sister’s permission. I’ll just ask her.” China’s face went from concerned to horrified. Putting ideas in the head of the young mistress was probably a good way to get punished.
“She would certainly say no and asking her would probably just anger her.” China blurted out.
“But maybe if you help to convince her…” A brief image of Sakuya sticking knives under her fingernails flashed through China’s mind.
“Please Miss. I’m likely to get killed if you pursue this.” China said desperately. Flandre pouted and said no more.

“I think it’s ready dood!” One of the prinnys yelled from the base of the great ring like object.
“Then start it.” Yelled Laharl in a notably anxious voice.
“Right now? Where do you need to go in such a rush?” Etna asked as if she was put off by Laharl’s willingness to leave so quickly.
“Whatever Netherworld it takes me to.” Laharl said as if it was as obvious as anything else.
“Shouldn’t you think this through a bit? The last time you went parading into another Netherworld you got your ass handed to yo-“ Etna could barely speak her last syllable before Laharl interrupted.
“THAT WAS A FLUKE!” Laharl screamed, showing the difference between his normal obnoxious behavior and actual anger.
“Don’t yell at me twerp.” Etna yelled back.
“Guys, stop fighting!” Flonne said desperately. There was an awkward pause before the portal servant in front of the ring spoke up.
“Shall I start the machine lord Laharl?” The servant asked.
“Do it.” Laharl said.
“As you command sir.” The portal servant said as he turned to the ring. Despite the mechanical appearance of the ring, the servant lifted his hands in the air as if he was performing a ritual. After a few moments, the ring began to light up.


A woman lounging seemingly in midair urgently opens her eyes. The woman is under a large pink parasol centered in what looks like a completely different dimension. Large red eye-like objects litter the ground, and the dark horizon is empty. The woman repositions herself to a sitting position. Her long blond hair reached down almost to the bottom of her pink and purple dress. Her dark golden eyes looked upward ominously, as if she were analyzing something. Her expression was now serious instead of the momentary surprise demonstrated by her lurching awake.
“Hmm….my my. What is this now?” she spoke softly to herself.

“I think we’re ready dood.” Spoke a prinny towards Laharl. Laharl stood still in front of the colossal culis gate, smiling with anticipation.
“Laharl, do you really wanna do this?” asked Flonne, showing her maternal side over her childish side.
“Don’t ask stupid questions. If I’m going to rule every netherworld in existence, then I have to go to them first.” Said Laharl matter of factly.
“Oh, is that what we’re doing?” asked Etna with as boring a tone as she could muster.
“Have you even been paying attention?!” Laharl barked at Etna.
“All you’ve said is that this machine is going to make you the greatest overlord of all time. You never even explained to us what your plan is. How were we supposed to guess that you had some half-baked plan to just go to every netherworld and fight them?” Etna asked logically.
“She’s right Laharl.” Flonne said simply.
“Whatever. You guys are idiots.” Laharl said without any thought. Etna and Flonne both scowl at the back of Laharl’s head. As the three of them bicker, a fourth figure peaks his head out from behind a nearby rock wall, examining their work. The figure was much taller than the three of them, far more likely to be in his adult years. He had purple hair that hung down past his collar, and wore tight black jeans and a black and red vest open at the chest.
“What is that boy up to now I wonder? Such a strange drive he has. He is already Overlord of the Netherworld, so what more could he want I wonder. He’s truly outrageous if he thinks he can keep it a secret from the Dark Adonis Vyers.” he said to himself quietly. He contemplated making an act and asking or forcing the information out of them, but given the outcomes of his last fights with Laharl that plan looked bleak. Instead, he decided to observe silently.
“I can’t keep the gate open much longer. Are you ready to depart?” the portal servant asked as politely as he could. Laharl doesn’t verbally answer him. He merely grins and nods his head before taking a few steps forward towards the gate. Responding to him, the gate lights up. Laharl, Flonne, and Etna are all enveloped in a blinding light. Moments later, they are gone.

At the front of a quiet shrine, a girl in her mid teens sits idly drinking tea. She wears a red and white shrine maiden outfit with the sleeves very peculiarly detached from the rest of the outfit. Out of thin air, a black portal manifests itself next to her. Emerging from the portal is the woman with long blonde hair and golden eyes, carrying with her a pink parasol. The shrine maiden shows no surprise or alarm in response to this, as if this was a casual event for her.
“Good afternoon Reimu.” The blonde woman said curtly. Reimu gives her a dull look in response.
“I was looking forward to a peaceful day for once.” She said without changing her expression.
“Well, how rude. I didn’t realize I was such a burden.” The blonde woman said, spreading a hand fan over the bottom half of her face.
“You’re not Yukari. But whenever you show up it means something bad is happening.” Reimu said bluntly.
“I’m surprised. I really can’t just come over for a casual visit?” Reimu instantly narrowed her eyes in response. “Well, okay. I do have something to tell you, but it’s not necessarily a disaster.” Yukari admitted.
“What’s up?” Reimu said casually, indicating this whole routine was very normal for her.
“It seems that someone manipulated the border to Gensokyo…and may or may not have crossed into it.” Yukari said, moving her fan and revealing a bit of a nervous grin.
“And you allowed this because…?” Reimu trailed off, waiting for Yukari to finish the sentence.
“You say that as if I have ultimate control over these kinds of things.” Yukari said with the soul intention of getting a rise out of Reimu.
“You do!” Reimu said frustrated, falling into Yukari’s fun.
“A person is allowed to make mistakes.” Yukari said with fake timidity.
“Why do I get the feeling you just let it happen for some self-amusing reason? Reimu said, realizing she hit the nail on the head by Yukari’s facial reaction.
“…You’re far too intuitive, you know that?” Yukari backhandedly complimented, coaxing a quick grin from Reimu before she returned to her neutral face.
“It’s not fun for me you know. I clean up enough Youkai messes as it is.” Reimu stated seriously.
“We don’t even know if they are going to cause trouble. You should just relax and see how things pan out.” Yukari suggested, fully aware that she was asking Reimu to act against every instinct she had. Reimu sighed deeply, giving a frustrated expression upwards at nothing in particular.
“No trouble huh…?”


*Soundtrack: Magnificent Dark Family ( )*

Within the middle of a deep bamboo thicket, a small figure stands perfectly still. The figure’s shadow spreads forward across the ground, dispersing flocks of birds from their feeding. The character in question is Laharl, looking around his foreign surroundings. In the distance, a lake is viewable at the end of the bamboo forest. Above, an orange evening sky can be seen making the slow transition to night. Laharl seems stunned at his surroundings for a few moments, before curling his mouth into the most evil and satisfied grin he could make.
“It worked…”

*end soundtrack*
*end chapter*


  • Nickname: Pariah
Re: The Netherworld of Youkai
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2013, 06:06:49 am »
Two things:

You're pointing out unnecessary things. If someone says "Wow, it's so big!" it can be inferred that they are impressed, without you needing to say so. Prune stuff like this that doesn't tell the readers anything new.

When someone addresses someone else, add a comma before their name. For example, “I think that will be all for now Sakuya" should be "I think that will be all for now, Sakuya".

Kaos Sakana

  • Neophyte
Re: The Netherworld of Youkai
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2013, 08:10:58 pm »
Thanks for the advice.
My writing style isn't polished at all yet. I know I still have quite a ways to go. >_<

That being said, the next few chapters are already written, so if I repeat any mistakes in the next few chapters I apologize ahead of time.

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