This saga is in loving dedication to all the Sues I encountered across the internet. Now, hope you all have a good laugh!
Prologue: Reentry
Beyond the world of boundaries existed a being of legend...
The flames recede, along with the echo of a bestial shriek. Scales rent to ash, the corpse of the world-devouring serpent slams into the earth, cracking the rocky surface, summoning a cascade of floods and gusts in its wake. Yet, thousands of mile away, on my favorite--and trademarked--cliff overhang, the chosen hero, Polatinius Cornibus the VI, myself, watch the proceedings with a fatherly grin. The world lives on, and surely my companions are awaiting me with open, loving arms--
"GODSDAMMIT PALLY YOU DROPPED THE BEAST ON TOP OF THE CITY!"
Timing. I always had a slight problem with timing. I mean, it's hardly my fault. When you have sacred blood flowing through your veins, possess every legendary construct imaginable, and can raze a quarter of the earth with a careless fireball, people tend to over analyze your mistakes.
"I'm going to kill her, I swear I'm going to kill her!"
She spews her hollow threats, confusing her pronouns like the fool she is. See, the woman there is called Verya, and she is just a mindless brute jealous of my infinite talents. Oh, she talks trash, but I'm the one who gave her that impregnable armor. I mean, look at that silver sheen--you'd think the girl would be more grateful! Bah. Oh well, every group needs a meat shield. I'm sure my trusted friend Baldric, cunning warrior and strategist both, will understand! Oh the adventures we've had, the suspense, the fires, the carnage, the pitchforks...! Hm, wait, I'm noticing a trend here.
"Pol."
And there he is now, armor of midnight hue! Comrades, bosom-buddies, brothers-in-arms--
"...the capital is gone. There's nothing left."
Well, that is pretty depressing.
"Ah, but Baldric, my friend, we evacuated the citizenry. Buildings will be rebuilt, and the people are saved. We're heroes!"
He twitched. Is he angry? No, no, he must have a sneeze coming on. How embarrassing!
"You created a wasteland. Nothing can survive here now."
Suddenly, he grabs my thrice-enchanted cloak and raises me to his level, locking eyes with mine. Normally, I would venture my rugged manliness has rendered him insane, but now I'm convinced he's teensy bit upset. His brow is at a very uncomfortable angle...
"No pay, no food, and the hatred of an entire nation. Do you understand?"
I nod my head. Stupid time. I had no idea two minutes and two hours were so far apart!
"...this isn't going away, Pol. Not this time. I'm the only thing stopping Lorenz or Verya from bashing your skull in."
The filthy beast rider and the meat shield. Of course they would be the ones to hate me! But Cybil supports me. Ah, how I love her so! The perfect friend, so refined and artistic, with beautiful red hair, black leather armor draped over a shapely body, and a complete mastery of--
"Assasaaah!"
Is there a blade at my throat? Oh yes, there's a blade at my throat. A very shiny blade. How vexing. Well, there's only one logical response:
"BALDRIC SAVE ME!"
"One cut, splash, and it's done. I've had enough of this shit!"
And Baldric heroically intervenes--
"Enough, Cybil. The cloak would regenerate the wound, and you know what happened when we tried to remove it."
Hey, I might not die, but pain still hurts! Get her o--
"Tch."
Dirt has such a coarse texture, a thought that crossed my mind as my face was planted in it. I believe 'thud' is the appropriate word.
"Remember this Cornibus: Next time you need to piss, We'll be there."
She twirls the knife in my face and walks away spewing vitriol. But, even in hatred, Cybil remains the perfect role model. Look at her hands shake in synchronized rage!
"Now Pol, I'm going to have to have an important meeting with the rest of the group. I need you to head back to base, and enter the back room of the hideout in Six. Hours. do you understand? Hours."
Poor Baldric is really taking this incident hard; he can't even give orders without stammering! I'll have to buy him a drink later, surely. I nod my head again, trying to make my glorious personage appear humbled--no easy task I assure you. Soon, I'm off to our pleasant abode, a series of intricate tunnels and rooms just beneath the neighboring town's walls. Well, former town. I sort of miscast meteor swarm this one time and wreaked unholy devastation--oh don't worry the people relocated and I paid for everything! Yes, everything was perfectly fine in the new town, well, until the lighter incident. Oh Gods, the lighter incident...
I arrive in the tunnels with many, many hours to spare...err...well, I arrive early. I think. In the meantime, I head to my favorite of our super-secret rooms, the underground library! Why there is a haven of learning beneath a scorched town I do not know, but I am eternally grateful. Here, I can put my superior intellect to use, and if my mind is sharp, we can stop any monster that threatens the world. Ah, I love being the chosen one. I don't know why these beasts and demigods come and wreak havoc on our peaceful land, but I'll always protect the people!
But, come to think of it, they're always after me. That giant-flying-serpent-thingy was ranting and raving about my tyranny, of all things. Polatinus Cornibus V, always said it was my destiny to destroy these demonic creatures, but lately it's all been self-defense. Wait, has it always been this way? Goodness, I think I'm forgetting something. Well, now that I'm here at the library I can ponder things over a good boo--
"You've come, hellspawn."
This rude greeting was accompanied by the all the doors slamming shut, sealed off by a series of red lines and symbols. Some people really have no manners--
"Oh, it's you Verya. And here I was thinking someone was actually here. I'll just keep reading and GAH!"
My chosen book, "The Art of Elegant Spellcasting Poses" spontaneously combusts. What a strange phenomenon.
"For years I have waited for this moment, Polatinus. You came so close to killing me on this day, attacking the serpent god early--clever plan, girl, clever! Sacrificing the city to kill your foe--I thought I had you fooled, but you possess your mother's duplicity. But, to no avail. I endured!"
"I've had enough of your lip--don't call me a girl!"
"Oh but you are, young one. You think yourself invincible but your powers--"
"I insist you call me boy!"
"I-wait, what?"
"Oh Verya, how could you be so idiotic? Everyone knows only the eldest son is given the title of successor!"
My sound logic paralyzes her.
"...but you are a woman. I've seen you naked!"
"Eww, pervert!"
"No, that's not what I--"
"Gender is a state of mind you sexist twat! Now, if you excuse me, I have more intelligent people to talk to."
Huh. Those seals are strong. The door really won't budge. What strange coincidences--who could have put them--no, wait, that's impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible!
"Hahaha, you really think so little of me, Pally? My magic has always rivaled yours. Your powers will not work within this bounded field."
I point at her dramatically--
"You--HIRED A SPELLCASTER!?"
For some reason this confuses her. I'm noticing a trend. Her brain must be too tiny to keep up with conversation.
"...I am a spellcaster. A sorceress. I've used magic in every fight."
"Absurd, you wear plate armor! Spellcasters don't wear plate armor!"
"You...I...enough of your stalling! That's like saying you never noticed the giant horn coming out of my head."
... ... ...no comment.
"No, wait, you're doing this on purpose aren't you? Trying to get me unhinged through humor!? Hoh, clever again. I'm starting to change my mind about you."
"The feeling is not mutual. Release me at once!"
A devilish grin. Ugh, that face makes me want to vomit. It's so...punchable.
"If you're so angry, Rift-wielder, then what are you waiting for? Destroy me along with this room!"
"How could you even suggest such a thing!? Callous knave, books are people too!"
She's laughing now.
"How sweet, you'll raze cities, kill thousands, but the thought of burning books weighs on your fragile heart. You really are a monster."
Yeah, well, you have a horn coming out of your head!
"Okay I make mistakes, but I always cast resurrection. Everyone lives! Well, minus the buildings. For some reason, I'm really bad at recreating those....but anyway, that's just how being the chosen works!"
And now she's blinking rapidly. Crust in the eye?
"Chosen? Is that what you call yourself nowadays? I can think of more fitting names, dark one."
"I'm not dark! My hair is a perfect silver, and my skin a silky white! Look at my luscious locks, damn you!"
Ever speechless, Verya starts mumbling incoherently. And then, without warning, I'm overtaken by intense fatigue and exhaustion. This conversation with the magic meat shield has left me so terrible drained. Why, I don't think I can even move from this very spot! ...hey, what do you want to know, I really can't. Wait. Why are there so many pretty colors everywhere?
Arcane Sorcery: Boundary-Piercing Vortex
"You are going to be my experiment, old friend. Your exile ends tonight."
Exile? From what, the men's bathroom?
"Gods, I would have done this long ago if the rules had not been changed. Even from the outside, the spell must conform. Yes, shrine maidens are so very clever..."
You are far too fond of that word.
"Ahahahaha!! The irony is delicious--they'll call me a hero for this! Oh, one last thing dark one. You might be able to circumvent the seal in this world, but Gensoukyou is the origin. You'll be lower than human! Dead within the hour!"
What the blazes is a Gensoukyou!?
"Now! Fall into the boundary! Return from whence you came!!"
"Well I can't do that, my mother died a long time ago you je---OH GODS THE FLOOR IS EATING ME"
Well, that settles it. This is just a nightmare. Yep, I'll wake up any minute or hour from now, whatever you call it. I'm the chosen, and a hero is never beaten by nightmares...nightmares wrapped in pure blackness with a million eyes staring into my soul...
...please help me.
Interlude: Bitter Vindication
With crazed, furious desire she stomped on the floors and redid the calculations hundreds of times, begging for silence, praying to whatever deity willing to acknowledge to her that the witchly wench will not return. And the quiet continued, save for the oni's desperate breaths. No rebound, no counter spell, Pally was finally, truly vanquished. Exhausted, her large body slumped against a neighboring bookcase, slowing sliding onto the floor as a smile creeps across her face.
"The bitch is gone. Heh, this artificial world will not last long. The youkai can reclaim what is rightfully theirs, and..."
Snap. A bottle of vintage "Rhyn Sheryl", bitter white, forms in her right hand, accompanied by an anachronistic sake bowl. After a deep breath, she carefully pours the wine into the bowl and begins inhaling the liquid, lapping it up in a frenzy, pouring more and more with her free hand until the bottle empties, glass shattering against the floor as she licks off the final drops.
"Six hundred years storage and still good!"
And as soon as that is done, a second bottle is magicked into her hand and the cycle continues. Verya had been depriving herself of the bittersweet nectar until her plans came to fruition, and now she devoured the best of her collection--ever the beast, even in refinement.
"Hmmm, but this is pretty boring. The creatures here are weak, and the humans put up a nasty fight. What will be left when the dust settles? Who will they turn to?"
Eyes glazed and shimmering with delight, she stares up at the ceiling.
"And if that ever gets dull, well, the portal did work after all..."
--
Next Journey: "Wrath of the Nine"
