Author Topic: The Stained Lintel - draft and final  (Read 4186 times)

The Stained Lintel - draft and final
« on: May 16, 2012, 08:32:23 AM »
It's been a year since I've started writing again, and I'm trying to work on something to publish on the anniversary.  Here's the short story I have so far.  It's a rough draft, and I'm looking to see how to make it better.  Any comments would be appreciated.

The Stained Lintel

A Touhou Project fanfic by Achariyth

Disclaimer: Touhou Project belongs to ZUN.

***

Sunny Milk cringed as she carried the heavy jug out into the moonlight.  She much preferred the daylight over this false moon her friend, Luna Child, kept grumbling about.  The Sunlight Fairy looked up at the nearly full moon.  She couldn't tell a difference, but she trusted that Luna could.  Given that the moon made the night as bright as those gaslight lamps the kappa made, the Moonlight Fairy should be all but drunk on the moonlight that fueled her powers.

Either way, Sunny was certain that the sun should have risen by now.  Sunlight was her domain, and the lack itched at her like that powder Star Sapphire had slipped into her shoes.  False moons and endless nights proved that something odd walked through the forest, and worse would follow in its footsteps.

?Star, Luna, come out here and help me,? she snapped as she turned back to look inside the tree home she shared with her friends.  ?I can see you.?

The two fairies stood up from behind an overturned table.  ?You look like you've got it taken care of,? Luna said, warily eying the open door.

?You promised to help.  At least be a lookout,? Sunny said.  Sighing, the Moonlight and Starlight Fairies trudged outside.  ?Keep an eye on Star.?  Luna nodded curtly, and kept her hand on Star's shoulder. 

?Hey, trust me,? Luna said, shivering in the warm night air.  ?Especially tonight.?  The Starlight Fairy's powers made her an excellent lookout; she just didn't tell her friends of the danger all the time.

Sunny pulled the cork out from her jug with a loud pop.  ?I don't like doing this,? she said, dousing a white rag with red wine.  She reached up on her toes and painted the lintel, or the fancy wooden frame above the door, with the dripping cloth.

?We saved up a long time for that,? Luna said, crossing her arms across her chest.  ?This better work.?

?Daiyousei said it would.  She made it through the Long Winter without a scratch,? Star said, tilting her head as if she was listening to the wind.  She pursed her lips and inched toward the doorway.

Sunny wrung out the rag, taking care that each drop fell onto earth instead of stone.  An incident was coming, she knew.  She'd already staked a small fortune in alcohol on it, in the hopes of safety.  Incidents took a toll on fairies.  Something about the magic in the air brought out the worst in a fairy's mischievous nature.  Some, like Daiyousei, still tried to find safety, but all too many took after Cirno and woke up the morning after sore and with a roaring headache.  Sure, Sunny, Luna, Star, and their myriad cousins had a form of serial immortality, but coming back after a Fantasy Heaven or Master Spark hurt.  ?What's next??

?The offering,? Luna said, glowering at the ground.

?At least it isn't coffee,? Sunny said, upending the jug.  Red wine splashed on the ground, making a dark stain even in the moonlight.

Star's eyes snapped open.  ?Inside,? she hissed, pulling Sunny and Luna into the tree house.  The door slammed behind the trio.  A few seconds later, the door opened and wine-stained hands etched a quick sketch on the door before slamming again.

***

Out in the Forest of magic, illumined only by fading danmaku and the light of the moon, a red and white blur flew through the forest and stopped in front of a large and ancient tree.  Reimu Hakurei stared intently at the stained tree and earth and laughed demurely behind her sleeve before flying off into the Imperishable Night.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2012, 12:00:16 AM by Achariyth »

Iced Fairy

  • So like if you try to hurt alkaza
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  • I will set you on fire k'?
    • Daisukima Dan Blog
Re: The Stained Lintel - draft
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2012, 11:43:52 PM »
Once again nice work.  Commenting on this is hard.  I like the idea of a fairy ritual to stave off incident drunkness.  While the intro is shorter then I like, it's still got a good hook on it.

Critique wise you should check your flow here and there.  The placement of the faeries isn't always obvious.  And there's little word choice things here and there.  As an example

Quote
Sunlight was her domain, and the lack itched at her like that powder Star Sapphire had slipped into her shoes.
Would read better as 'shoes that one time.'

Still I like it a lot.  I think your best aid would be grabbing someone for real time close editing.

Re: The Stained Lintel - draft
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2012, 12:55:00 AM »
Thank you for the comments.  I'll use them on the rewrite.  As for the editor, I've been privileged to find a few good proofreaders, but I'm still looking for someone who can help with storytelling concerns.

Iced Fairy

  • So like if you try to hurt alkaza
  • *
  • I will set you on fire k'?
    • Daisukima Dan Blog
Re: The Stained Lintel - draft
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2012, 02:37:38 AM »
Hm...  Storytelling critique is probably something you want to get from either people you want to be reading a particular piece or people who write similarly to how you want your stories to look.  Maybe look around at the other active writers to see who does what types of stories.

Still if you just need a body quick I know a couple of people (myself included) who'd be happy to lend a hand.  If you have time I'd suggest dropping by the library IRC and finding someone there who is on around the times you need help done.    Of course you can use PMs as well, if you're on at odd hours or just don't have time to get dragged into a channel.

FinnKaenbyou

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Re: The Stained Lintel - draft
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2012, 10:43:39 AM »
I really like this idea. Generally your descriptions are strong, but it's in the pacing and wording you have some issues.

For example:
Quote
?Hey, trust me,? Luna said, shivering in the warm night air.  ?Especially tonight.?  The Starlight Fairy's powers made her an excellent lookout; she just didn't tell her friends of the danger all the time.
The sudden jump from Luna to Star is a bit jarring here. From what you mentioned earlier, Luna's not getting her powers because of the fake moon. Were you meaning to talk about Star to begin with?

Also, there are points where things would flow better if you broke them up into several paragraphs.
Quote
Sunny wrung out the rag, taking care that each drop fell onto earth instead of stone.  An incident was coming, she knew.  She'd already staked a small fortune in alcohol on it, in the hopes of safety.  Incidents took a toll on fairies.  Something about the magic in the air brought out the worst in a fairy's mischievous nature.  Some, like Daiyousei, still tried to find safety, but all too many took after Cirno and woke up the morning after sore and with a roaring headache.  Sure, Sunny, Luna, Star, and their myriad cousins had a form of serial immortality, but coming back after a Fantasy Heaven or Master Spark hurt.  ?What's next??
Here, for example, subjects get mixed together and the paragraph is hard to follow. You have Sunny performing the ritual, then going on about how fairies react to incidents, without a clear link between the two. Better would be two separate paragraphs that approached the issues separately.

Sunny wrung out the rag, taking care that each drop fell onto earth instead of stone. She was using more alcohol than necessary, but she figured safety was worth the extra expense. There was an incident coming, and this year she would be ready for it. She'd been caught unprepared in the Long Winter, and even now thinking about snow made her skull throb.

Incidents took a toll on fairies.  Something about the magic in the air brought out the worst in a fairy's mischievous nature.  Some, like Daiyousei, still tried to find safety, but all too many took after Cirno and woke up the morning after sore and with a roaring headache.  Sure, Sunny, Luna, Star, and their myriad cousins had a form of serial immortality, but coming back after a Fantasy Heaven or Master Spark hurt.

"What's next?" Sunny asked, turning to the Moonlight Fairy for guidance.


I have to agree with Iced in saying that the best treatment would be a 1-to-1 discussion with another writer. It's easy to find spelling errors, but dealing with issues like word choice and paragraph structure is another matter. There'll usually be someone on #scarlet-library willing to look things over, if you're interested.

Re: The Stained Lintel - draft
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2012, 11:02:49 PM »
Thanks for the input.  I regrettably will not be able to join IRC until after I return from my business trip, but I look forward to checking it out on my return.

Re: The Stained Lintel - draft and final
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2012, 12:02:02 AM »
(Draft as published on FF.net)

***

Sunny Milk cringed as she carried the heavy jug out into the moonlight. She much preferred the daylight over the false moon her friend, Luna Child, kept grumbling about. Sunny couldn't tell a difference; the full moon still made the night as bright as those gaslight lamps the kappa made.

Either way, the Sunlight Fairy was certain that the sun should have risen by now. The missing sunlight itched against her skin like that powder Star Sapphire had once slipped into her shoes. Between the false moon and the endless night, something odd walked through the forest, and worse would follow in its footsteps.

Incidents like these took a toll on fairies. Something about the magic in the air brought out the worst in a fairy's mischievous nature. Even now, Sunny could feel that call. Some tried to find safety, but all too many took after Cirno's example, only to awaken days later sore and with a roaring headache. A few unfortunates never returned to play with their sisters and friends, sealed away forever during the clashes of magic and will.

"Star, Luna, come out here and help me," she called over her shoulder. Inside the living room, an overturned table slid further away from the door, and a brief flash of blue cloth peeked around the corner. "I can still see you."

The two fairies stood up from behind the table."You look like you've got it taken care of," Luna said, warily eying the open door.

"You promised to help. At least be a lookout," Sunny said. Luna and Star turned towards each other, sighed, and thentrudged outside. As the Fairy of Moonlight passed by, Sunny murmured, "Keep an eye on Star." Luna nodded curtly, keeping her hand on Star's shoulder.

"Hey, trust me for once," Star said, shivering in the warm night air. The Starlight Fairy's powers made her an excellent lookout; she just didn't tell her friends of the danger all the time.

Sunny pulled the cork out from her jug with a loud pop. "I don't like doing this," she said, dousing a white rag with red wine. She reached up on her toes and painted the lintel, or the fancy wooden frame above the door, with the dripping cloth.

"We saved up a long time for that," Luna said, planting her free hand on her hip. "This better work."

"Daiyousei said it would. This was how she made it through that Snowy Spring without a scratch," Star said, tilting her head as if she was listening to the wind. She pursed her lips and inched toward the doorway until Luna squeezed her shoulder.

Sunny wrung out the rag, taking care that each drop fell onto earth instead of stone or tree root. "What did she say to do next?"

"The offering," Luna said. She glowered at the ground and sighed. "At least it isn't coffee."

Sunny shook her head and upended the jug. Red wine splashed on the ground, making a dark stain even in the moonlight.

Star's eyes snapped open and she grabbed her friends by their arms. "Inside," she hissed, pulling Sunny and Luna into the tree house. The door slammed behind the trio.

***

Out in the Forest of Magic, illuminated only by fading danmaku flowers and the light of the moon, a red and white blur flew through the forest. Wherever it passed, danmaku fell still, and fairies dropped motionless to the earth like rain.

As the blur neared a great tree ringed with rope and tassels, the storm of danmaku slaked and fell silent. In that calm, the red-white blur stopped its relentless flight, and Reimu Hakurei landed on the grass surrounding the tree and frowned.

The lack of danmaku was just as suspicious as the false moon. She could only spare a second or two, but she had to check; Yukari would understand. Of all the places in the forest, it surprised the shrinemaiden that a great tree would be the focus for the eye of a danmaku storm. Trees such as the one that towered before her usually housed fairies, and it seemed that no fairy could resist taking a potshot at her tonight.

"Could the tree be sick?" Reimu murmured, reached her hand towards the tree. If so, she'd ask Yukari about it after the incident. Her eyes followed the trunk to the stained earth. Reimu's hand pulled back suddenly. Tracking the stain revealed a small wooden door covered in dull red.

Reimu stared at the stained tree and earth, laughing demurely behind her sleeve. To think fairies would know the old ways. Leaving the tree behind her, the shrinemaiden flew off into the Imperishable Night.