Topic: Living in Gensokyo  (Read 1621 times)

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DNAbc

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  • Nickname: Darkie
Living in Gensokyo
« on: April 11, 2012, 02:25:37 am »
Foreword: Um, hey. I've been lurking around this site as a guest for a while already, and eventually my addiction to Touhou has caused me to create an account and post my own stuff. I hope you the reader can tolerate anything you find bad in my fic, and offer all your criticism. Please enjoy my story.
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This is frustrating.

Is what I am thinking to myself while lying on my bed.

I am not sleeping, I am merely trying to clear my thoughts after what happened.

You wouldn't be able to sleep too, if you got fired by your company thirteen hours earlier, the stock you invested in suddenly pummeled to nothing three hours before and your wife just stomped out of your house three minutes ago.

"You are bankrupt, much as I love you, I need money, I need a home, and you will have none."
She's right, she's absolutely correct, but can I help it? Even this very piece of furniture I am lying on is going to be taken away to compensate for my debt, and is this any of my fault?

No, it isn't mine.

But I still can go up to the damn god responsible for this, and make him pay.

I sat up and opened my drawer, revealing some pens, loose papers, mobile phone...and a handgun.
I picked the gun up, and loaded it.

As the cold surface of metal rested on my cheek, I feel surprisingly calm despite what I am going to do. I looked around the room, and tried to feel all those good things in my life for one last time, like how those movie stars do.

The ticking clock, how long will it keep ticking?

...

The dripping tap, how long will it keep dripping?

...

The humming ...wait, no, this isn't the sound of anything ....

"こんにちは〜私は、何か面白いことにつまずいていない?"

The sudden foreign voice has stopped me for a brief second, before I turn around to face the source of the voice....

I am greeted by the most mysterious, if not most frightening, scene of my life.

The once-empty area behind my desk now have a blonde woman poking her head through....what seems like a gap with a lot of eyes in it and ribbons on the end. She's also wearing a pink cap with double
ribbons tied in front of it. I backed off, and end up ramming my back hard into the desk. But how would I feel pain with so many thoughts crossing my mind?

The silence is unsettling, at least for me, the blonde doesn't even look the least troubled.

I have so many questions I want to ask, and...

"Who ARE you?" I guess this is a start.

"Oh? So you speak English."  is her reply.

...

"What are you?"

"Have I walked on something interesting?"

...Again, completely ignoring me.

"I am committing suicide here, and if that classifies as 'something interesting' for you, I am surprised, tell me what you are before I shoot you" Am I speaking faster than usual? No, definitely not out of fear.

"So you don't want to live in this world anymore?"

I point my gun towards the blonde.

"No, and you will regret staying here if you don't leave now." I spoke coldly.

"Oh? No, you will not regret going away if you leave now." I can feel a surge of heat rushing up my face.

"I hope you will amuse me for longer than those before, dear." The hell is wrong with her?

As sudden as she came, she retreated back into that purple gap thing, and it disappeared.

....

Then I am all alone again.

I suddenly regretted chasing her away.

....

What the...not this humming again...

I spun around, and rammed into my desk again, nope, nothing.

But the sound is still there, and it is louder.

Then I realized, it's coming from below.

Then I am falling.

Around me is nothing but darkness.

My sense tells me that although the environment around me looks the same, I am falling alarmingly fast.

I am scared out of my wits, all these just doesn't make sense.

I screamed, I screamed and screamed, but it doesn't end, it never does end, as I ran out of strength to scream I flailed my limbs, but when my whole body goes limp from exhaustion...

I am still falling.

I don't have any means to express my intense fear when falling through this neverending mass of darkness. I fainted.

But I am still falling.
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I am lying on my bed.

Eyes closed, so it was a dream after all.

I let off a sigh of relieve, good, good.

I lifted myself with my hands....wait, what's this texture?

I looked down, I am holding blades of grass.

Oh no, oh no.

I looked up, facing a foreign night sky littered with stars, oh no, oh no.

Where am I?

I stood straight, and darted my eyes around, trees and grass...I am in a forest.

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Um, and that's my first 'chapter' done, any and all opinions, feedbacks and critism are accepted, so please don't hesitate to provide your much-desired help!!!
P.S: I really don't know how to describe Yukari's gapping sound effect in SWR, can someone help?
>Link to my Steam Account: Add me! http://steamcommunity.com/id/9898981-02
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Iced Fairy

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Re: Living in Gensokyo
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2012, 04:10:01 am »
Hm...  I have two bits of critique for you, the first one is fair, the second one is a little unfair.

Firstly your wording seems to be off.  For example; "You are bankrupt, much as I love you, I need money, I need a home, and you will have none."  That's pretty abnormal English.  In fact, I can't even change that into a standard English sentence without ripping apart the entire structure.  I understand what you're saying, but it resonates very oddly.  Are you a native speaker?  You may want to find a proofer if you aren't. 

Secondly, there's not much here to work with story wise.  And unfortunately what little bit there is story wise is one of the more hated story types here.  I know there's at least one good way to write "random guy from the outside world falls into Gensoukyo" but there's a whole lot of bad ways to write it, and a lot of people have proven that.  It may not be fair to generalize just off of this small segment, but I'm afraid a lot of people are going to take one look, and assume this is yet another "unlucky guy gets sent to Gensoukyo and hooks up with one or more Touhou chicks," fic.  You may want to build into the body of your work so people can see where the story is going.

Sorry to hit you with the one two punch like that, but I'm trying to hand out more feedback instead of letting works sit and have the authors try to guess if they're doing things wrong and if so what.

Achariyth

  • Nickname: Tonomi
Re: Living in Gensokyo
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2012, 05:11:29 am »
The intro needs a better hook, although what lost my interest was not necessarily the hook, but the tortured grammar in the first two sentences.  Good news, that can be fixed with a prereader.

Also, please pick one language and stick to it.  For most English speakers, Japanese characters are indecipherable chicken-scratch and we skim over it.  The net result is, once readers start skimming, it becomes easier to do so, and if they're skimming, they aren't really paying attention to the story.

Finally, what's the point?  It feels like the chapter is cut off too soon.  It needs more to really set up the story, IMO.  The best I can say is that this feels like part of a rough draft and not a complete draft.

DNAbc

  • mafia is suffering
  • but I don't exactly hate that
  • LOOK AT ME
  • Nickname: Darkie
Re: Living in Gensokyo
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2012, 06:09:02 am »
 I must say that I am grateful that someone took the time to read my work and comment, I am indeed not an native English speaker, and most of my Touhou writings involve in an entirely different language...I am sorry if my grammar sucks.

Also, due to my limited English levels, I am having hard time even trying to compose long chapters, although I have the full idea fleshed out in my head....I fully appreciate the fact that someone tells me ''You are not good enough", and this means alot to me, thank you.
>Link to my Steam Account: Add me! http://steamcommunity.com/id/9898981-02
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Achariyth

  • Nickname: Tonomi
Re: Living in Gensokyo
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2012, 12:33:42 pm »
There's a difference between "you're not good enough" and "you'll need to rely on others for some help."  I think you're more in the second group and not the first.
 

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