Topic: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy  (Read 5798 times)

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Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« on: February 08, 2012, 09:47:45 am »
Because I'm still new to Touhou there won't be alot of characters in this but I'll try and get a fair few into it.

The Scarlet Devil Academy was founded by an unknown youkai, ever since then students from all over Gensokyo have been attending the school learning what they needed to know for their life.
The current Principle of the Academy is Yukari Yakumo, she doesn't do much except for sleeping in her office and when she needs to speak with a student the conversation never lasts long.

Kazero Kamen a Half-Oni from another world recently came to Gensokyo after fleeing his world along with his best Friend Akiko Saga, because the too were so young, Yukari had asked the Schools Gym teacher, Meiling, to look after them. After agreeing she found out from Akiko that Kazero had not spoken since they arrived in Gensokyo a few months ago, and he just stared into the distance as if something was missing. Akiko's and Kazero's Class President Sakuya has promised to make sure the two found their places at the school.
This is where the Story begins.

Class 1: First day

The gates opened and the students walked in, Akiko walked in slowly followed by Kazero staring at the ground, Akiko looked to Kazero worried and said "Come on Kazero...what's wrong? You're usually saying something...".
Kazero looked at her and she seemed to be able to read him like a book just by looking into his eyes.
"You're really worried aren't you? Sis will be fine! come on...if she can lead a squad of heavily armed faries she can lead a rebellion...Plus, we promised we'd attend the school...just a word...please?" Akiko walked to Kazero and after a minute of silence Akiko took a book out of her bag and slammed it down on Kazero's head and she got from him was a grunt of pain.

"Hey, you two, is there a problem?" A student with white hair asked, she had a Class Rep badge one and approached the two with her arms crossed.
"Oh...you're a class Rep...maybe you can find ours, we're looking for a..." Akiko took a note out of her pocket "Sakuya..."
"Speaking of which, you two must be the new students...what's wrong with him?" Sakuya asked looking at Kazero staring off into the distance.
Akiko laughed nervously and said "That's what I've been asking myself since we were kids...We should go before we're late".

The three left, Kazero remained a few steps behind them eventually reaching the Class room, as they opened the Door they were greeted by a man with white hair and glasses, he didn't appear very old "Sakuya, I'm surprised you arrived only 10 minutes early today...these must be the new students...come in and take a seat the other students should be hear soon".

The three took their seats, Sakuya up the front, Kazero in the left corner at the back and Akiko right next to him. The Student infront of Kazero looked back and smiled "Hi there, I'm Cirno, what's yours?"
Kazero didn't respond and Akiko answered for him "Kazero".
Cirno looked to Akiko and said "Your name sounds like a boys name, but hi there!"
She shook her head "No, no...that's Kazero, I'm Akiko"
"So Akiko what's wrong with Kazemo?" Cirno asked obviously getting Kazero's name wrong.
"Kazero...and nothings wrong with him...he's just worried about the person who looked after us back in our world" Akiko said placing a few books on her desk.
"Maybe after school we can play this fun game I made, how 'bout it? Sound fun?" Cirno asked seeming excited.
Akiko nodded smiling "Alright, maybe it'll get mister silent here to say something"
"Great I'll explain it later then!" Cirno turned to face the front as the other students started to walk in.

 "Okay, let's start the lesson off with a quick quiz" The Teacher stood with a book in hand "Can anyone tell me what four times three is?"
Cirno raised her hand "OH OH PICK ME I KNOW!"
He sighed "It's not 9 Cirno"
Cirno was stunned and it showed "H...how did you know that was my answer?"
The teacher just ignored her and continued with the lesson.

*Later that day*

Kazero sat in the library staring at the table when he heard an emotionless voice say "Did you come to read a book or stare at the table?". Kazero turned to see another student, she seemed pale and had a rather large book in her arms. All Kazero did was look back to the table and the student sat down and opened the book and started reading.

Eventually she introduced herself "Patchouli...knowledge".
Kazero didn't answer and just stood and walked away, Akiko sat down and said to Patchouli "Sorry...he's not really in the mood for talking to anyone"
"I noticed..." Patchouli said looking away from her book to Akiko "You're the new students?"
"Yup! I'm Akiko Saga, and the silent guy is Kazero Kamen" Akiko said smiling "What're you reading?"
"Spells, incantations and rituals based around the elements of Water and Ice" She answered closing the book and showing Akiko the cover.
"Hmm...Not sure if I'd get the hang of those ones..." She started searching through her bag and held out an old looking book "Maybe this might have something in it"
Patchouli accepted the book and said "I'll read it when I have the time thank you Akiko"

Kazero walked out of the liabrary and looked to the sky, then he heard someone yell "Give it back!". Kazero walked over to where the noise was coming from and he saw a younger student wearing a green hat and wearing a backpack that seemed very full, and a couple of bullies playing around with a sort of small cube trying to figure out what it was. As they passed it to one another the younger girl was trying to get it back becoming more and more frustrated then they eventually got bored and one threw it at the ground breaking it.

Kazero ran at the bullies eventually kicking one in the head knocking him out cold, the other ran away dragging their friend with them. Kazero looked down at the girl who was staring at the pieces of the cube on her knees and in tears when she said "I never got to test it...". Kazero helped her stand back up picked up the pieces of the cube and gave them her and walked off as the bell rang.

When the day was finally over Akiko and Kazero were on the way to meet Cirno, when they got there they found a group waiting for them, there were atleast 10 of them, they smiled as one of them threw Cirno to the ground and said "You think you can just stop our fun? Schools over so now no one can come to your rescue while we teach you a lesson!".
Akiko backed away a bit and said "Why? What did Kazero do?".
They ignored her and charged at Kazero, they over powered him beating him and when Akiko tried to make them stop one of them punched her then pushed her to the side. Kazero's eyes widened and fought his way out and pulled a card out of his pocket and said "No one treats my friends like dirt...ganging up on me just to get some petty revenge, it's pathetic!" he raised the card into the air and called out "SPELL CARD: DIABLO FIST!" his hand was engulfed in green flames revealing a gauntlet the same color as the flames, the energy from it seemed to glow and as Kazero ran towards them the glow grew brighter and with a single upper cut the energy exploded from the gauntlet hitting the group some of them collapsed while others appeared to only have just enough strength to stand. Kazero dismissed the gauntlet and put the card back into his pocket.

Suddenly Sakuya arrived with a knife in hand and said "What happened? A student came to me saying Kazero was being beaten".
Kazero looked to Sakuya and said "I fought back is what happened".
Akiko stood in pain and said "Are...we in trouble Class president?"
Sakuya looked at the bullies then to Akiko then Kazero then to Cirno who was just staring at her feet and said with a sigh "No...go home I'll deal with the rest...".

Cirno, Kazero and Akiko left Sakuya to deal with the rest but in the distance Yukari seemed to be watching she started to walk away when she stopped and said "Continue investigating..."
"What about the Half-Oni?" a voice asked.
"I doubt he'll have anything to do with it...but keep an eye on him anyway" Yukari said tiredly eventually disappearing.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Next Class: Caring too much
« Last Edit: February 14, 2012, 01:49:16 pm by Kazero »

Averruncus of Fate

  • Nickname: Averruncus
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 10:13:39 am »
Hmm, I noticed quite a few errors, especially with the punctuation.

Quote
The Scarlet Devil Academy founded by an unknown youkai, ever since students from all over gensokyo have been attending the school learning what they need to know for their life.
The Scarlet Devil Academy was founded by an unknown youkai. Ever since then, students from all over Gensokyo have been attending the school, learning what they needed to know for their life.

Quote
The current Principle of the Academy is Yukari Yakumo, she doesn't do much she's usually asleep in her office and when she needs to speak with a student the conversation never lasts long.
The current Principle of the Academy is Yukari Yakumo. She doesn't do much except for sleeping in her office, and when she needs to speak with a student, the conversation never lasts long.

Quote
Kazero Kamen a Half-Oni from another world recently came to Gensokyo fleeing his world along with his best Friend Akiko Saga, because the too are so young Yukari has asked the Schools Gym teacher, Meiling, to look after them.

Kazero Kamen, a Half-Oni from another world, recently came to Gensokyo after fleeing his world along with his best Friend Akiko Saga. Because the two were so young, Yukari had asked the school's gym teacher, Meiling, to look after them.

Quote
After agreeing she found out from Akiko that Kazero hasn't spoken since they arrived in Gensokyo a few months ago, and he just stares into the distance as if something was missing. Akiko's and Kazero's Class rep Sakuya has promised to make sure the two find their places at the school.
(Not really sure who you're writing about here.)
After agreeing, she found out from Akiko that Kazero had not spoken since they arrived in Gensokyo a few months ago. He just stared into the distance as if something was missing. Akiko and Kazero's Class rep, Sakuya, had promised to make sure the two found their places at the school.

Quote
The gates opened and the students walked in, Akiko walked in slowly followed by Kazero staring at the ground, Akiko looked to Kazero worried and said "Come on Kazero...what's wrong? You're usually saying something...".
The gates opened and the students walked in. Akiko walked in slowly, followed by Kazero , who was staring at the ground, Akiko looked to Kazero worriedly and said, "Come on Kazero... what's wrong? You're usually saying something..."

Quote
"You're really worried aren't you? Sis will be fine! come on...if she can lead a squad of heavily armed faries she can lead a rebellion...plus...we promised we'd attend the school...just a word...please?" Akiko walked to Kazero and after a minute of silence Akiko took a book out of her bag and slammed it down on Kazero's head and she got from him was a grunt of pain.
"You're really worried aren't you? Sis will be fine! Come on... if she can lead a squad of heavily armed faries she can lead a rebellion.Plus, we promised we'd attend the school... just a word... please?" Akiko walked to Kazero, and after a minute of silence, Akiko took a book out of her bag and slammed it down on Kazero's head. All she got from him was a grunt of pain.

Quote
"Hey, you two, is there a problem?" A student with white hair asked, she had a Class Rep badge one and approached the two with her arms crossed.
"Hey, you two, is there a problem?" A student with white hair asked. She had a Class Rep badge and approached the two with her arms crossed.

Quote
"Oh...you're a class Rep...maybe you can find ours, we're looking for a..." Akiko took a note out of her pocket "Sakuya..."
"Oh... you're a class Rep... maybe you can find ours, we're looking for a..." Akiko took a note out of her pocket. "Sakuya..."

Quote
"Speaking, you two must be the new students...what's wrong with him?" Sakuya asked looking to Kazero and seeing him looking off into the distance.
"Speaking of which, you two must be the new students. What's wrong with him?" Sakuya asked, looking at Kazero staring off into the distance.


Be careful with the tense. Stories are usually written in past tense. For "hasn't" in past tense, you should use "had not", which refers to the past of the past.
Also, try not to make sentences too long with conjunctions like "and", usually a sentence only has about 2 of them.

Anyway, keep working!  :3

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2012, 03:48:06 am »
Thanks for the help  :)

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2012, 01:50:32 pm »
Well! finally finished the first Class (chapter...or episode...or what everyou want to call it)
Hope this goes well

Kazero

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  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2012, 12:51:06 pm »
Class 2: Caring too much
Cirno was headed to school hovering above the ground with her head drooped down, looking a bit upset when Kazero walked up beside her and said "Still up for that game later?"

Akiko joined them and Cirno hadn't answered yet "Cirno...are you blaming yourself for what happened yesterday? It wasn't your fault".

She stopped and a tear hit the ground "Those guys...hurt Daiyousei...the Nurse said she's in a coma" Cirno looked up at them, tears flowing from her eyes. "She's just asleep right?"

Akiko seemed shocked and after a short while she finally said "Cirno...what happened? What did they do to Daiyousei?"

"A couple of weeks ago...they were being mean to me and Dai-chan started to tell them off, one of them hit her from behind and she hit the ground and never got up...next thing I knew they were already gone" Cirno told them.

Sakuya approached them arms crossed and a neutral expression on her face "You three, you're going to be late" She then noticed Cirno crying "Cirno-san? Were those guys picking on you again?".

Cirno wiped away her tears and shook her head "I'm fine...I just want Dai-chan to wake up".

Kazero put his hand on Crino's shoulder and said "She will...but can we see a smile for now?"

Cirno looked at Kazero with a smile and said "Thanks Kazero"

"You're welcome, now let's get to class before we're late and put on cleaning duty" Kazero said running off.

As Akiko and Cirno ran after him Sakuya stayed behind and said to herself "I get the feeling those three are going to be trouble..."

When the first class of the day ended Kazero was walking to the gym until he heard Cirno yelling, he rushed to the scene and saw the thugs from yesterday picking on Cirno. He stepped between them and said "Why are you picking on her? You put her Friend in a coma isn't that enough? Or do I have to split you all in half?"

One of them growled and said "What's it to you? so what you hurt us yesterday? We do what we want when we want!" they all started pushing Kazero and Cirno, then the pushed became punches.

Kazero caught one of the fists and said "I've had enough!" he slipped something out of his sleeve and sliced the guys arm, his knife was small and easily hidden, it had helped him in many situations. Kazero moved swiftly lightly cutting each of the thugs so he didn't injure them too badly. They all gave up fighting and ran away, Kazero sighed and put his knife back up his sleeve.

When he looked to Cirno she was on her knees crying when Kazero kneeled down she looked up and pushed him away yelling "Stop sticking up for me! Why do you and Akiko care so much? I don't need you I need Daiyousei back! Leave me alone!" she stood and started running still crying.

Then Kazero was suddenly lifted up and slammed against the wall with Meiling looking annoyed "Alright boy you're late, super late and so's Cirno, so where is she?"

Kazero didn't seem to care about Meiling holding him against the wall "She ran off crying after we were beaten by some thugs..."

Meiling let Kazero go and said "Come on, Mouku has things handled for now" the two started searching for Cirno having little luck.

The two eventually split up, Kazero had gotten to searching the basement, it started getting colder as he continued and eventually he heard crying. By the time he found out who it was the bruises from the fight earlier had started to show. When he entered what seemed to be the coldest room he had ever been in he saw Cirno in the corner still crying. He sat down next to her and said "I care...because you're my friend Crino, I'm still interested in that game too..."

Crino stopped crying and looked up with a smile, tears still flowing "Are you and Akiko gonna be there when Dai wakes up?"

"If Dai's you're friend she's my friend too, let's go before I freeze" Kazero said starting to shake from the cold.

Cirno laughed and stood up dragging Kazero along with her "The cold is awsome! You need to spend a few nights in here"

"Then I'd need to de-frost for a few days..." Kazero said nearly falling over because Cirno was walking so fast.

The two eventually got out but Kazero was literally being dragged behind her, when they reached the Gym they saw two students playing tug of war, and all the other students except Akiko and Sakuya were on the ground either exhausted or hurt. Cirno dropped Kazero and said "We're back!"

Meiling turned and said "Glad you're back...what'd you do to Kazero?"

"Dragged him up the stairs from the Basements freezer from to her" Cirno said with a smile as he dropped Kazero.

Kazero slowly got up and walked over to Akiko and sat next to her and said "Akiko...how long until the day ends?"

She opened a book on a certain page and said "2 minutes, 43 seconds why something wrong?"

As Kazero was about to speak the gym doors opened again and the group of thugs walked in and yelled "Where's that Half-Oni bastard!?"

Meiling walked up to them and said "Please leave"

One of them threw a punch and before it even hit Meiling had grabbed the arm and pinned him to the ground "Again...please leave".

Kazero stood up and said "Can't you just leave me alone? You pick on my friends then you beat them up...I don't want to fight everyone I see"

Sakuya stood and suddenly disappeared then reappeared infront of Meiling still pinning one of them to the ground and said "Meiling-Sensei I'll deal with them"

Meiling stood allowing the student to stand and said "Don't make too much mess now".

Sakuya nodded and two knives appeared in her hands and she disappeared and suddenly the group of thugs were being sliced and diced within seconds they were all on the ground unconcious "It's done..."

Meiling looked at the group and said "Yuugi, Suika, if you two would please carry the unwelcome guests to the sick bay"

The two turned and Suika said "Bet I can carry all of them better then you Yuugi!"

Yuugi scoffed and said smiling "I can shift mountains! I can shift a few trouble makers to the sickbay"

The two rushed and picked up as many of the thugs as they could get their hands on and rushed out the door.

Meiling looked to Akiko and Kazero and said "Can you two get Uroku? I have to wake all the other students up"

Akiko nodded with a smile and started walking out "See you back home Meiling"

As the two walked out the school day had ended, when they reached the other side of the school they saw all the younger students walking out, they looked around and Kazero felt something cling to his leg, he looked down and saw a small girl in purple, she smiled and seemed very excited to see him "Onii-Chan! I made a friend!"

Akiko kneeled down to the girl and said "Did you really? Who's Uroku's friend?"

"Flandre, her wings have pretty crystals!" Uroku said letting go and pointing to a blonde girl her age.

Kazero looked and saw Flandre holding hands with a girl that only seemed to be a year younger than him, she seemed happy to see her younger sister but something was off about her aswell.

"Flandre's older sister is a clas rex! I can be a class rex too!" Uroku said

"Uroku I think she said class Rep" Kazero said picking Uroku up and putting her on his shoulders "Well we gotta meet Cirno"

*later*
The had just started to set when they met up with Cirno "Ok Cirno what's this game?"

She held up a forzen frog and said "Ta-Da! ya freeze a frog and if your frog defrosts first you lose and the last person with a frozen frog wins!"

Kazero blinked and said "Cirno...I can't freeze a frog like you can..."

Akiko chuckled and picked up one of the frogs and muttered something and the frog was incased in ice "Ok Start!"

Cirno and Akiko just stood their waiting and Kazero walked off saying "We'll let you two have fun then"

Uroku yawned and said "Onii-Chan...I'm sleepy..."

"Let's go home then" Kazero said heading home still carrying Uroku on his shoulders.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2012, 02:31:37 am by Kazero »

Ross

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Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2012, 05:40:27 pm »
Hmm, well this story certainly is interesting... I'm honestly genuinely curious to see what else you're going to do with it.   ;)

So, I suppose since I'm generally a perfectionist I'll be chapter two's grammatical corrector (if it doesn't bother you).   :derp:

Quote
Cirno was headed to school hovering above the ground with her head drooped down, looking a bit upset when Kazero walked up beside her and said "Still up for that game later?".
Cirno was headed to school, hovering above the ground with her head drooped down, looking a bit upset when Kazero walked up beside her and said, "Still up for that game later?". <THAT PERIOD NO NEED TO BE THERE

Quote
Akiko joined them and Cirno hadn't answered "Cirno...are you blaming yourself for what happened yesterday? It wasn't your fault".
Akiko joined them and Cirno hadn't answered yet. "Cirno...are you blaming yourself for what happened yesterday? It wasn't your fault.". <STILL NO PERIOD NEED TO BE THERE

Quote
She stopped and a tear hit the ground "Those guys...hurt Daiyousei...the Nurse said she's in a coma" Cirno looked up at them, tears flowing from her eyes "She's just asleep right?"
She stopped and a tear hit the ground. "Those guys...hurt Daiyousei...the Nurse said she's in a coma." Cirno looked up at them, tears flowing from her eyes. "She's just asleep right?"

Quote
Akiko seemed shocked and after a short while she finally said "Cirno...what happened? What did they do to Daiyousei?"
Akiko seemed shocked and after a short while she finally said, "Cirno...what happened? What did they do to Daiyousei?"

Quote
"A couple of weeks ago...they were being mean to me and Dai started to tell them off, one of them hit her from behind and she hit the ground and never got up...next thing I knew they were already gone" Ciro told them.
"A couple of weeks ago...they were being mean to me and Dai started to tell them off, one of them hit her from behind and she hit the ground and never got up...next thing I knew they were already gone," Cirno told them.

Quote
Sakuya approached them arms crossed and a neutral expression on her face "You three you're going to be late" She then noticed Cirno crying "Cirno? Were those guys picking on you again?".
Sakuya approached them, arms crossed and a neutral expression on her face. "You three(I would put either a comma or 'know' or something like that here) you're going to be late!" She then noticed Cirno crying. "Cirno? Were those guys picking on you again?". <DESTROY THAT PERIOD

Quote
Cirno wiped away her tears and shook her head "I'm fine...I just want Dai to wake up".
Cirno wiped away her tears and shook her head. "I'm fine...I just want Dai to wake up".

Quote
Kazero put his hand on Crino's shoulder and said "She will...but can we see a smile for now?"
Kazero put his hand on Crino's shoulder and said, "She will...but can we see a smile for now?"

Quote
Cirno looked at Kazero with a smile and said "Thanks Kazero"
Cirno looked at Kazero with a smile and said, "Thanks Kazero."

My suggestion would be, as boring and irritating as it may seem, to read your chapter over again after you write it and check for errors.  Also, remember to put the punctuation marks inside the quotation marks, not outside, and remember that a punctuation mark always comes before quotation marks.

Once again, I hope you don't mind me going all ninja perfectionist on you like this, and I'll be waiting to see more in the story!   :)
« Last Edit: February 19, 2012, 05:42:12 pm by FrostyFish88 »
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Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2012, 02:32:30 am »
Thanks for the help and class 2 is finished, hope your all enjoying it so far

NovaNoir

  • Nickname: Angela
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2012, 12:28:46 am »
Well, other people have got your spelling and grammar covered, so I'll tackle the less immediately visible stuff.

You have a few major problems with your work, outside of the grammar and spelling issues that have been pointed out already.

One, you have a problem with describing what's going on. You have a tendency to show only what's going on with the characters; you don't tell us where they are, or what their surroundings look like outside of the people who are there.

Quote
The three left, Kazero remained a few steps behind them eventually reaching the Class room, as they opened the Door they were greeted by a man with white hair and glasses, he didn't appear very old "Sakuya, I'm surprised you arrived only 10 minutes early today...these must be the new students...come in and take a seat the other students should be hear soon".

The three took their seats, Sakuya up the front, Kazero in the left corner at the back and Akiko right next to him. The Student infront of Kazero looked back and smiled "Hi there, I'm Cirno, what's yours?"
Kazero didn't respond and Akiko answered for him "Kazero".
Cirno looked to Akiko and said "Your name sounds like a boys name, but hi there!"
She shook her head "No, no...that's Kazero, I'm Akiko"
"So Akiko what's wrong with Kazemo?" Cirno asked obviously getting Kazero's name wrong.
"Kazero...and nothings wrong with him...he's just worried about the person who looked after us back in our world" Akiko said placing a few books on her desk.
"Maybe after school we can play this fun game I made, how 'bout it? Sound fun?" Cirno asked seeming excited.
Akiko nodded smiling "Alright, maybe it'll get mister silent here to say something"
"Great I'll explain it later then!" Cirno turned to face the front as the other students started to walk in.

 "Okay, let's start the lesson off with a quick quiz" The Teacher stood with a book in hand "Can anyone tell me what four times three is?"
Cirno raised her hand "OH OH PICK ME I KNOW!"
He sighed "It's not 9 Cirno"
Cirno was stunned and it showed "H...how did you know that was my answer?"
The teacher just ignored her and continued with the lesson.

What does the classroom look like? In fact, what does the teacher who greeted them look like? You say he didn't look very old, but he has white hair. What, then, gives him a youthful appearance? Is it his lack of wrinkles? His skin? His eyes? What?

You need to tell us what the environs are like. It not only helps to immerse the reader in the story, but it gives us an idea of what the hell is going on, what the school is like, and such. In fact, the way the person describing it... well, describes it, can even reflect upon the character describing it; the things they notice and the circumstances around it can give the reader an idea of what the character is like.

Second, you skip over things far, far too much.

Quote
Sakuya nodded and two knives appeared in her hands and she disappeared and suddenly the group of thugs were being sliced and diced within seconds they were all on the ground unconcious "It's done..."

I mean, what the hell happened here? Seriously? Sakuya just disappeared and then the thugs were being sliced and diced and then they were on the ground unconscious?

What the hell did Sakuya do? How did she knock them unconscious with knives, weapons that kind of have lethal edges? How did the thugs react to what was going on? Did they panic, did they attempt to fight back, what? Who said "It's done?" Was it Sakuya? Where was she when she said it?

Thirdly, you are overusing ellipses.

Quote
Hey, you two, is there a problem?" A student with white hair asked, she had a Class Rep badge one and approached the two with her arms crossed.
"Oh...you're a class Rep...maybe you can find ours, we're looking for a..." Akiko took a note out of her pocket "Sakuya..."
"Speaking of which, you two must be the new students...what's wrong with him?" Sakuya asked looking at Kazero staring off into the distance.
Akiko laughed nervously and said "That's what I've been asking myself since we were kids...We should go before we're late".

Six ellipses in four paragraphs? That is far, far too many. There are other ways to show hesitation.

The last point I feel like going into is that you tell us too much without showing us anything.

Quote
Cirno raised her hand "OH OH PICK ME I KNOW!"
He sighed "It's not 9 Cirno"
Cirno was stunned and it showed "H...how did you know that was my answer?"

If you had said something like this:

Quote
Cirno's hand shot up into the air. She was half out of her seat, waving her arm desperately.

He sighed. "It's not nine, Cirno."

Cirno sat back down, her jaw agape. "H-How did you know that was my answer?"

I changed both the first and third paragraphs a lot. Here, I've made Cirno exhibit behaviours that show she is desperate to answer the question, but I've done it without making Cirno speak in ALLCAPS; and in the third paragraph, I've made Cirno exhibit behaviours that you would expect from somebody who is stunned, rather than just telling the reader she is stunned. This allows the reader to draw their own conclusions as to Cirno's behaviour, rather than just telling them what's going on.
i don't know how to deal with this .-.

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2012, 09:52:25 pm »
(Gonna start doing shorter classes to explain things, make fun of things, ect)
Extra Class 1: Akiko's encyclopedia: Diablo fist

Akiko opened a big green book and pondered soemthing, flipping the pages quickly and eventually becomng frustrated. She slammed the book down and yelled "Gah! Nothing on it! Why isn't there anything on Diablo Fist!?".

Kazero sat down and said "Why do you want to know about Diablo fist? You know it's a magical artifact from our world right?"

"Yeah but...more...I need more info on it, like was it made by the oni, or faries or youkai that sort of stuff!" Akiko said pulling out another book.

"Alright...I'll tell you everything I know about it...Diablo fist is an artifact I found in underground ruins, when I picked it up it stuck to my hand and I paniced and punched the alter I found it and the energy from it burst out and destroyed it" Kazero told Akiko remembering the whole event as if it was yesterday "Then it turned into a spell card, that I can't explain...".

"You never explained how you found it in the first place..." Akiko said with a pile of books next to her.

"Well...I can sense magical artifacts, it's a bit confusing though, it's like a metal detector the sound in my head gets louder the closer I get, Diablo fist gave off a sort of high pitched noise" Kazero said seemign oblivious to everything at this stage.

"Diablo fist as you know is a Green gauntlet that has energy stored in it, I can't use it to much or else it's just an ordinary gauntlet for a while, however for some reason the color of the gauntlet varies with the user...when sis used it, it turned purple, Diablo fists also allows me to shoot the energy and even absorb other energy to charge it..Akiko...what are you doing?"

Akiko was holding a stethoscope to Kazero's head listening for something "I'm checking to make usre you don't actually have an artifact detector in your head...you were saying?"

"Diablo fist has two forms, The first is the average ordinary Diablo fist and the second is a seperate spell card called Satans paradise, it's basically me fueling it with my own anger, it turns red and instead of covering my hand it covers my entire arm, it's much more powerful but it's also a spell card I want to avoid using because I can potentially drain me of nearly all my energy" Kazero stood and took the spell card out of his pocket and showed it to Akiko.

Akiko stood and said with curiosity "Can I try it out?"

"Umm...Ok" Kazero said a bit unsure handing it to her.

*later*

Akiko raised the spell card in the air and said "Spell card! Diablo fist!" The spell card glowed and suddenly there was a White gauntlet on her hand "Wow! Alright now to test it out!"

"Wait what!?" Kazero said backing away from Akiko.

"Come home when you land!" She said smiling as she hit Kazero with an uppercut, white energy shooint out of the gauntlet sending Kazero flying.

"Not again!" Kazero yelled as he flew into the air straight into youkai mountain.

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2012, 08:19:03 am »
Ok I have a Co-Author now.
Big thanks to FlandreClarke (little late seeing you've helped with the other two) for editing this next chapter to fit an make more sense.

Class 3: Broken Fang
Akiko woke up hearing Uroku chuckling, as she got up she yawned and suddenly out of nowhere the small girl dropped onto Akiko’s head saying with a smile, “Wake up, onee-chan! Onii-Chan is already outside playing!”
Akiko then heard an explosion and Kazero yelling in anger. Akiko let out a sigh. She got out of bed as Uroku jumped off her head. Akiko walked outside and saw Meiling leaning against the wall next to the door.
“Morning! Kazero’s fighting again. I’d help, but he needs to learn how to fly.” Meiling said as she pointed in Kazero's general direction. “So he’s off playing games with deadly opponents, again.” Akiko grumbled in a clearly annoyed tone. Meiling interjected, “Looks like things are going to get messy here. You want me to put some distance between Uroku and this place while you sort things out?” Akiko nodded and Meiling beckoned Uroku to her and they ran off into the distance. Akiko decided to watch a little before taking any action.
Akiko walked out and saw Kazero running around trying to dodge a colourful rain of bullets. “For the last time, I didn’t steal your damn friend's stuff!” A projectile hit the ground front of him and he started running the other way. “Can’t we just talk!?”
“Let me think… No!” a female voice yelled in anger. Akiko looked up and saw a girl wearing a red shirt, white jacket and black jeans. “Half oni… if your other half is Youkai I hope you can fly fast!” She taunted as she continued her barrage.
Kazero stopped and said, “About that,” as he pulled a card out of his pocket “I uhh… Can’t fly when I’m like this…”
The girl stopped shooting for a moment to laugh at Kazero. “No one cares about what you’re wearing, man! You’re quite the idiot!” She started firing at Kazero again.
Kazero held the card in front of his face and declared it. “Spellcard: Face of wind!” Suddenly, a torrent of wind engulfed Kazero, and when it died down, a masked demonic figure armed with a long thin blade stood in his place. His body was entirely white and the only thing on his mask was two glowing teal eyes, an ethereal voice echoed from the body. “Now it’s a fair fight.” Kazero instantly darted towards the girl at breakneck speed, slashing at her with the blade. The stunned girl managed to dodge the blade as it cleaved off a few strands of hair.
“Missed me!” she said as she turned around to fire a bullet at Kazero, but he was gone, he had vanished again. Suddenly, she was hit with a strong gust of wind that forced her to land.

“Now can we talk?” Kazero said as he slowly floated down keeping an eye on the girl. As he landed, he heard a strange noise and looked over his shoulder. It appeared to be a person with blonde hair covered by a black hat and a black and white dress, a closer look also revealed the presence of a broomstick, the person was approaching Kazero at great speed.
“Hey, Reimu! I found it! Turns out it was in my hat all along! The oni kid didn’t steal it! And who the hell is that?!” She yelled as she accelerated toward Kazero to the point she was only a few meters away from him. She then flipped the broom around to reveal a hexagonal object with light emminating from its center, before Kazero could figure out what it was, the light rapidly expanded and magnified into a huge beam that blasted Kazero into the ground. When the beam faded away, Kazero was back to normal, lying on the ground with a surprised expression on his face and the spellcard in his hand. “Oh… It was you. Sorry ‘bout that!” The blonde girl apologized as she felt the impact of a fist penetrating her hat and slamming onto her head. “ARGH! Dammit Reimu! What was that for?!” The blonde girl whimpered as she rubbed the impact area with both hands “For making me go after the oni kid for no reason!!!” Reimu replied in an aggressive tone. “I said I was sorry…” Marisa mumbled before she felt another impact in the same area, forcing her into a crouched position. “No you didn’t!” Reimu retorted before calming down and lifting her hand from Marisa’s head and offered to help her up.
Akiko had enough and decided to intervene. She approached Kazero, Marisa and Reimu and began lecturing them in an annoyed tone. “Ok, I don’t know what’s going on, or who Kazero pissed off this time. But you can’t just hit him with a laser like that! He even tried to…“ She was interrupted by the realization that the two girls seemed to be holding back laughter, she turned and saw Kazero doing the same. She looked down and realized she was still in her yellow and pink pajamas, her face turned bright red and screamed as she bolted back into the house.
Kazero gave in and exploded in spontaneous laughter before a large book slammed into his face, after the book was lifted off him, it came back down just as hard as the last time. Akiko continued hitting him in the repeatedly while saying “Why didn’t you tell me I was still in my P.J’s! You stupid, trouble-making, violent, inconsiderate, dim-witted idiot!” She stopped hitting him and after a few more hits, Kazero’s mangled face stared at Akiko with a blank expression. “Kazero…?” Akiko said with a worried look on her face, Kazero responded by collapsing back onto the ground.
“I think he’s dead…” Marisa said as she poked him, “Yep, you killed him.”
Reimu responded confidently, “Just leave him be, he’ll be fine… Hell, he was almost a challenge back there.”
Kazero quickly got up, “Anyone else hear that?”
The three girls looked at him perplexedly, then suddenly Kazero lunged forward shoving the three away from a lazer that was aimed at where he was lying, reducing it to a crater. He traced the laser back and saw a small girl accompanied by two older boys, one of them had white hair and a large katana sheathed on his back while the other seemed normal but had a wolfish grin on his face. The little girl looked at Kazero and muttered to herself. “Half-Oni...Fang…”
The grinning boy nodded before he dashed at Kazero with his leg extended forward, Kazero dodged the kick and motioned to counter it but didn’t notice that the boy was suddenly behind him, when he finally realized it was too late, the boy slammed his foot in Kazero’s back, then delivered a debilitating knee to his stomach. All Kazero could do was prevent himself from panicking. The grinning boy continued the barrage of kicks and eventually finished with a swift axe kick on Kazero’s head forcing him face first into the ground. The boy laughed as he walked away boasting, “Too Easy!”
Kazero slowly got back on his feet, he seemed to be in some sort of trance, as Akiko watched, her eyes widened and she yelled out, “Don’t do it, Kazero!!!” Kazero’s eyes turned yellow, small grey horns started to grow out of his forehead, his hair turned white and his skin started to turn a dark grey color, he growled with an inhuman voice then yelled skyward, as if suppressing an agonizing pain, a red aura began to emit from his body. Akiko dropped to her knees with tears flowing from her eyes as she covered her ears and whimpered, “No… Not again…” Reimu and Marisa noticed Akiko crying and tried to comfort her as they pulled her away from the fight and into the house.
Kazero charged in full force toward the boy. Unfazed, the boy used the same disappearing act as last time, but when he reappeared behind Kazero, he instantly reacted and slammed his fist into the boy’s face, forcing him back, Kazero then swung his other arm at full force towards the boy. He was too stunned to dodge so the boy attempted to block the punch, resulting in Kazero’s fist shattering both of his arms and connecting with his face a second time, driving him several feet into the ground underneath them, the boy’s mangled body lied faced down, motionless. Kazero then slowly changed back to normal and collapsed from exhaustion.
The little girl flashed an angry look before she started to walk away, as she did, the mangled boy in the ground disappeared in a flash of light with the girl and the other boy. Akiko emerged from the house and at Kazero with tears still in her eyes, “Why…?” Kazero remained silent but realized the other two girls were staring at him with a concerned looks on their faces. Kazero realized what happened and sighed. “She told you, didn’t she?” They both nodded, Reimu stepped forward. “She told us everything, but if you don’t mind, we’d like to hear your side of the story.” Kazero let out another deep sigh and thought back to his past, recalling it as if it happened yesterday and narrating to the girls as he did.
“It was three months ago. Some smartass thought he could take me out by throwing a bunch of tin cans armed with swords at me. Sure, I took out a good fifty of them without breaking a sweat, but every time I broke one, there seemed to be a dozen more taking its place. Before I knew it, I was badly wounded, Akiko was being held hostage, and that coward was laughing at me in person behind a wall of another fifty or so robots. What could I do? Fight. Took another dozen of them, let my guard down, and next thing I knew there was a sword coming out of my stomach.” Kazero began to tense up, his voice began to stutter as he told the rest of the story “Two or three more swords went straight through me, one in my arm, another in my leg, the pain was so unbearable I passed out. I thought that was the end of me, until I woke back up, lying on a mountain of scrap metal with Akiko crying at the foot of it. Before I could figure out what happened, I noticed a liquid in my hand, it was blood, but not my blood, it was the blood of that commander, coming out of his severed head, which I was holding in my hand.” By the time Kazero had finished the sentence, he was shaking uncontrollably and Akiko was crying again.
The two girls helped Kazero and Akiko back inside when they heard a knock at the door, Marisa opened the door revealing another black haired girl. “Oh, good morning, Marisa! Did a little girl come by here with two boys? One has this really creepy smile and the other has a huuuuuuuuge sword!” She said enthusiastically as she extended her arms as far as she could.
“Hey, Shizuka!” Marisa said cheerfully while poking Shizuka with her broom. “You still investigating the Half-Breed incidents?”
“It’s my job… Since my two partners are too lazy goofing around on their days off school, it has become more difficult than it should be!” Shizuka pouted, her childish tone however faded as the saw the condition Kazero and Akiko were in. “I’m too late, aren’t I, Marisa…?”
Marisa poked her again “You’re always late.” She said with a smirk on her face “It’s alright, Reimu and I took care of ‘em.”
“Looks like Lillian finally decided to give violence a shot.” Shizuka said staring at Akiko who seemed to have mostly calmed down now.

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2012, 01:04:17 am »
You guys can comment, suggest, discuss, ect if you want
What you say can help me heaps.

Aquila

  • Sprite animator
  • Productivity is a drug
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2012, 11:35:24 pm »
Ok I have a Co-Author now.
Big thanks to FlandreClarke (little late seeing you've helped with the other two) for editing this next chapter to fit an make more sense.
Gah!
What the--!
I told you not to--!
*hides*

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2012, 01:49:07 am »
You deserve praise
 :dealwithit:

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2012, 02:55:01 pm »
Quick announcement: I have decided to make you all wait a while so I can try to make things more detailed which means more time which means Clarke has to do less editing.

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2012, 12:18:12 am »
The PC I use is currently in the Computer hospital...i had class 4 about...i think about 1/3 done, so yeah for everyone willing to wait...Thank You

darkhero

  • Nickname: nunya
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2012, 03:50:47 pm »
I really can't make head or tale of this I guess I'll have to wait a few more chapters before giveing my judgement
human civilization has just been wiped out and your worried about donations!?

create.swf fallout gensokyo http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php/topic,13035.0.html

Kazero

  • Shooting Star
  • Nickname: The Half-Oni
Re: FanFic: Scarlet Devil academy
« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2012, 08:28:28 am »
Class 4: Shooting Star
The students rushed to their classes as the bell rang; amongst the chaos was a girl with long, purple hair whose uniform stood out from the rest. She wore a fine, black blazer with a gold trim featuring a shield shaped crest adorned with a crescent shape and rabbit ears. She carried two thick textbooks with her; labelled ‘Chemistry’ and ‘Astro-physics’. She approached class room 2-D and paused for a moment to adjust her hair and uniform. Then she opened the door to see Kazero, hanging upside down from the ceiling, his feet were encased in ice, he struggled to free himself as Cirno scolded him and Sakuya watched, sighing as she sat down. The perplexed girl’s red eyes widened as she inquired nervously. “Do…I have the wrong class room?”
Kazero’s attention went from towards his freedom to the girl upon noticing the rabbit ears sticking out of her head “I…think you have the wrong school...” He responded as the ice started to crack before shattering. As Kazero fell to the ground he suddenly found himself standing instead of on the floor. He confusedly looked around before asking the new girl. “Umm…what’s your name?”
The girl bowed respectfully,“Reisen, I’m part of the student exchange program from the Lunarian Boarding School.” She lowered her head again “Let’s get along.”. She looked around at the other students and noticed Shizuka staring out the window, her long brown hair was in a pony tail that went down to her shoulders then Reisen looked to Akiko reading a rather large book, her dark orange hair only covering her ears, she wore a bright yellow hair band as usual.
As the teacher entered the room he sat down and slammed a book on the lectern while muttering something. He then looked to the class,  adjusted his glasses and announced with a strained voice. “Students, as you can see, we have a Lunarian exchange student joining our class. Reisen is one of their brightest and most talented students so…”
Meiling walked in and interrupted the teacher’s speech. “Rinnosuke…we have a problem.”
“Him…?” Rinnosuke asked, standing up. Meiling responded with a nod.
“I see…this could be bad.” Rinnosuke walked out of the class room then walked back in after several minutes with a stern look on his face. “Class is dismissed.”
The students stood up and left, Kazero, Akiko, Sakuya, Reisen and Shizuka stayed in the classroom. Sakuya leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and said “Him… Who do they mean by him?”
Shizuka responded, her gaze was unmoved from the window she was seated next to. “The Lunarians have a sort of super soldier in their arsenal, top of the line fighter agile, strong…Perfect Balance…apparently he knows Miss Hong well…if this is that ‘Him’ the Lunarians have their eyes on something…”
Uroku ran into the room and hugged Kazero’s leg and cheered with a bright smile on her face “Onii-Chan! Mama said stay in school and be a good girl!” She then climbed up onto Kazero’s shoulder without warning. “Can we go eat cake now?”
Sakuya giggled slightly at Uroku before turning to Reisen “Anything on this?”
Reisen shook her head “I don’t know anything about this, sorry Class President” she said bowing her head again.
Akiko stood and said “Kazero why don’t you take Uroku outside for now?”
Kazero walked out and a few moments later there was a loud explosion in the distance, followed by the sound of Uroku screaming “Let me go! Let me go!” Everyone ran to the nearest window and saw Kazero. He was wearing the Face of Wind, but he was chained to the floor, struggling to even stand. Then they saw a girl with black bat wings flying away with Uroku over her shoulder.
Kazero struggled more aggressively, while becoming more and more agitated. “That bitch!” he roared as he broke free. The group made their way to him as he brushed off the loose chains off his shoulders.
“Asuka, one of Lil’s lackey’s, allow me to handle this. The rest of you watch your backs!” Shizuka said angrily. She cracked her knuckles before pulling out a small, glowng ball. She threw it onto the ground and it began to glow moments before shooting into the sky and exploding in a vibrant display of light.
Moments later, two fairies dropped from the sky, one was dressed in black, the other in white, they got up rubbing their heads and when they stopped they’re head bands revealed the one in black had a white hairband and the one wearing white had a black one.
“Did you have to use the orb?” The one in black asked, brushing dirt off her dress, she was roughly Cirno’s size and had white hair.
The fairy in white stood, she fixed up her black hair and stretched “You’re the one that gave it to her.”
Shizuka slapped them both in a single swipe and floated into the air saying “If you two don’t shut up I’ll just call Taurus!” she then flew as fast as she could with the two Fairies following her.

*Elsewhere*
Meiling stood in front of the lake face to face with a man in a full body suit covered in black, white and blue with large red eyes, there was some distance between them, she glared at him and said “6 years, huh? You took your sweet time finding me.”
The man replied, his voice resonated within his helmet as he spoke. “Tch. you probably thought I was dead, you still mad at me for going without you because you couldn’t fight that day? How is she doing by the way?”
Meiling rushed at him with her fists clenched, when she was close enough she jumped and attempted to slam her foot into his chest shouting at him “None of you business!” But the suited man grabbed her ankle with little effort and shook his head throwing her in the other direction.
As Meiling landed the man pressed a button on the device on his right wrist and a robotic voice called out ‘SA-TURN READY’ he pressed the button again and the device displayed a hologram of Saturn on his hand and the voice called out again ‘SA-TURN ON!’ He swung his arm and the holographic Saturn fired glowing, purple rings of energy at Meiling, homing in on her, she leaned to the side as the rings whirred past her face, the rings turned around and sped towards her back, she leaned in the other direction, causing the rings to slice off a few strands of her hair on their pass before they started to circle her.
The man tapped his foot on the ground and said “Is it because I’m working for the Lunarians now? I didn’t have much choice seeing they fixed me. If you were me, you’d do the same.”
The rings continued to circle Meiling, unfazed by the man’s display of power, she relaxed her stance and crossed her arms. “You fell from the sky, and you fell to me. My Shooting Star…”
_________________________________________________________________________________
Author notes:
The guy Meiling is basically a version Kamen Rider Meteor and for those who don't know who that is, he looks like this:
 

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