Topic: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future  (Read 3405 times)

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Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« on: October 11, 2011, 09:16:33 pm »
So I am starting a story..that is an loosely inspired by the back story of Subterain Animism, I've posted it on a blog instead of here for two reasons: 1) it contains some (mildly so far) NSFW stuff.  Hard R rating I would say, if it was a movie, and 2) so far it consists of a seriese of IC blogposts.

Anyway heres the link.

I should really proof read it some more..but I just want to get this out there before I wuss out.
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2011, 02:43:21 am »
And the next post.

This one is kind of super short..

Please say something about these..even if its just "its too short" or "get a spell checker"..Please?
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.

NovaNoir

  • Nickname: Angela
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2011, 11:19:48 am »
Well... You have misspelt a few words. Just on a quick skim, quite literally the second word is misspelt (Blogger, not bloger- two g's.) pressense is spelled presence, mother hood is one word (motherhood), etcetera.

Also, your grammar is.... well, it's not awful, but it is pretty bad. Just for a few quick examples:

> Still I kind of wish she would start dating again..shes not that old! and really pretty!

More correctly, that should read:

> Still, I kind of wish she would start dating again. She's not that old! And she's really pretty!

You forgot a comma at the start of the sentence. You also forgot to start the next sentence with a capital, and seperate sentences with a space. The last sentence is also a fragment sentence- it can't stand on its' own as a sentence, and should either be expanded or joined to the previous/next sentence.

But, even better, it should read:

> Still, I kind of wish she would start dating again. She's not that old, and she's still rather pretty.

The exclamation points make the sentence sound overexcited, which I don't think is the tone you're going for.

Feh, I can't be bothered to go through and dissect the entire thing. You really need to work on your grammar, flow and sentence/paragraph structure, though. Also, the entire thing sounds really unprofessional- like it's been written by an amateur. Sentences and paragraphs like:

> I know Lucifer (That's my sisters real name.  She'll insist it's Lucy..but look on her birth certificate it's Lucifer!) tried to buy some hentai but she got shooed out fast as she could.

and

> Okay not really..as far as I know I am neither nobility nor native american..so my name is just "Sky Estella Branwenn".

and

> Okay on this trip we went all over, Akkihaba..aki..er the district with all the cosplayers, was one of our first stops, we must have looked kind of silly, taking lots of pictures, but there was lots of other people there too.

Really give the entire thing a sense of... well, I'm tempted to say 'the stink of amateur', but I don't think that's the right metaphor.

I suggest you work on making it a bit less stream-of-consciousness-y and sound a bit more... ordered, as well as working on improving your grammar.
i don't know how to deal with this .-.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2011, 07:11:50 pm »
Thank you very much for the detailed reply!
It is supposed to be a little soc, but I probobly imitated a journal a bit too well.

I will definitely go over it for grammar and spelling stuff.

Thanks again for reading, and for bother ing to write up the problems you saw.
P.S. "the stink of the amateur" makes sense to me.
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.

NovaNoir

  • Nickname: Angela
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2011, 10:59:33 pm »
Good.

Just one other thing. A class on Anime would be like a class on Cartoons- it doesn't happen.
i don't know how to deal with this .-.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2011, 11:14:57 pm »
My university had a class on samurai movies...
But I will keep that in mind.
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.

NovaNoir

  • Nickname: Angela
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2011, 01:14:31 am »
Your university is... quite odd, I'd imagine...

But seriously, anime are pretty much just Japanese cartoons. Hosting a class on them would be like hosting a class on cartoons, because functionally, they're the same.
i don't know how to deal with this .-.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2011, 02:59:59 am »
A class on cartoons doesn't seem that weird..I mean Stanford had a class on Starcraft. (I think it was Stanford..)
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.

NovaNoir

  • Nickname: Angela
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2011, 03:14:04 am »
They had a lesson on Starcraft because Starcraft has a pretty great economics model, which simulates the economic environment really well for a bunch of students.

The closest I could imagine a university coming to hosting a class on Anime is holding a class on storytelling in cartoons/storytelling in Japan in general, really, and even then it's a stretch because they don't focus on things like that :V
i don't know how to deal with this .-.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2011, 04:14:05 am »
fair enough.
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.
Re: Growing Up is the Energy of the Future
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2011, 11:41:03 pm »
Edited the first post and posted the third one.

Working on an Touhou/FoZ cross over. (with chen as the Tsukima)
I have...a terrible need...shall I say the word?...of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.
 

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