Topic: Minch's "Short" Stories (Updates every Friday)  (Read 1310 times)

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Minch

  • Your #1 Idiot Child.
  • Nickname: Minchy
Minch's "Short" Stories (Updates every Friday)
« on: September 16, 2011, 08:13:24 am »
Minch's Short Stories! Where I post all of my stories that I think are the greatest.  (I am open for criticism)

   The Forest of No Return, a large, sprawling forest, is the worst place to get lost in. According to the legends, there is a small inn somewhere deep in the forest. A demon is said to haunt the place and if anyone walks in there, they would die a gruesome death. Many had tried to find the inn, some of them came back empty-handed while most of them never came back at all.
   Eight months ago, a lost villager had stumbled upon my home. She had run away from home, saying how she couldn't stand staying in her village anymore and sat on a lone chair near the wall. Trying to make her feel happy, I gave her a place to stay for a while, an accommodation you would say.
    She must have been away from her home for a while now, as she had been gobbling up the dinner I brought to the both of us. However, she had a big appetite for sweets since she continue to order me to bring out more. After dinner and dessert, it's always a custom to finish our meals with tea and, since this is a “special” occasion, I brought out my best brew.
   When I brought it out and almost applied the red sweet sauce in her cup, she pushed me away and looked at me.
   “What the heck is that red syrup?” She screamed at me. “This tea is adequate enough without that garbage you were going to add!”
   I stayed silent for a couple of seconds before I answered briefly, “It's good for the taste.” I continued to add a spoonful of the red liquid to both of our cups.
   She was still analyzing her cup and glared back at me. Suddenly, she threw down her cup and screamed at me. “What's your problem?! Acting all quiet and dumb! I shouldn't have went inside this stupid forest! I should've burn down this i-”
   She stopped her rant to listen to the faint noise of crying and screaming. Then, she went through my home, trying to find the source of the screaming and yelling. All of a sudden, she crumbled to the floor, crying.
   “Make it stop! Stupid woman, are you even acknowledging my presence? Make the screaming stop no-”
   I grabbed her arm and slowly whispered, “Are you really sure you want to stop the noise? Your pithy observation isn't going to help you.”
   She looked at me right in the eye and told me, “My conscience told me to stop the noise. Someone can get hurt! Don't you get annoyed at the continuous screaming?”
   I stayed quiescent and just stare at the girl for a while. Finally, I smiled at her and lead her towards the source of the noise.
   “Finally! You finally understand my way of thinking huh?” She laughed. I looked back at her, and a foreboding smirk was planted on my face. I continued to push her forward and with such concise movements, grabbed a cleaver and hid it from her till she reached the door that leads to the basement. When she opened the door, with a huge swing with my cleaver...
   “AHHHHHHHHH!”
   ...She screamed in agony, and fell down the stairs and landed all the way to the bottom.
   “My red syrup. Only made out of the best ingredients. For my customers, made by them as well...” I cleaned my cleaver and lay it down on the counter near the sink. “I wonder where that campaign kid went to. He's so committed to her work, it'll be sad for him to not take a break.”
   I chuckled and started to put down breakfast for myself. Red Sweet Tea. This inn isn't going to file for bankruptcy for a while. “Red” Sweet Tea... How laconic.

oversee

  • Neophyte
  • Nickname: Turtle
Re: Minch's "Short" Stories (Updates every Friday)
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2011, 09:31:14 pm »
I really like your story. There are some parts where the language and grammar could be improved. For example, this phrase "almost applied the red sweet sauce in her cup" is confusing because the word applied isn't usually used in this situation. It would be more understandable if it read " almost poured my special red sweet sauce into her tea." In my version, it is clear that the tea is already in the cup and that the sauce is a sweetener, not the tea.
Also "have went" is incorrect grammar. It should be "have gone."
The word "pithy" is rarely used in normal conversation.
It isn't clear why she got so angry and said those things when she threw down the cup. I understand that she was angry that you added the red sauce when she said no, but the part about "acting all quiet and dumb" I don't get. Was she already hearing the crying? Did she understand that it was blood at that time?
When the reader finishes the story and then realizes that this happened 8 months ago, it implies that that was the last time you had a customer, which doesn't seem likely if business really is good. It would be better if it was more vague, like "a while ago." It is also not realistic that you are staying in business unless your customer paid you or left a purse or other belongings upstairs. I think you need another sentence near the end about how you are looking at the money you found in her belongings.
I don't understand this sentence: “I wonder where that campaign kid went to. He's so committed to her work, it'll be sad for him to not take a break.” Who are you talking about?
I am only telling you these things so you can make your story even better. The first paragraph is especially beautifully written, but then when I start to think about it, why would many try to find the inn if it is haunted by a demon and they are likely to die?

locoroco1

  • Amateur Spriter/Author
  • Nickname: Tai
Re: Minch's "Short" Stories (Updates every Friday)
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2011, 10:40:55 pm »
Interesting, but I'm afraid it took me a while to puzzle out what it meant. Seriously, it's very confusing.
I made(edited) these:
My Short Stories

Minch

  • Your #1 Idiot Child.
  • Nickname: Minchy
Re: Minch's "Short" Stories (Updates every Friday)
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2011, 07:24:05 am »
Thank you for the criticisms everyone! I hope this "short" isn't as confusing as the other one!  :D
(Credit goes to GreenVirus for helping edit and fixing any errors)   

“To expand and eliminate,” that was the Khmer Empire's motto or rather, was their motto. Since their humiliating defeat by the Siamese and Chams, the Khmer Empire is no more and is now, a small, quaint, country that has no desire to fight with anyone. However, there is a small village that still shares the same eloquence that its ancestors did: a violent village with a mysterious history that shrouded this village to obscurity.

   “To the great god Shiva, I call upon thee, please give us your blessing for our adventure through the Cambodian Jungle...” murmured the small girl.

   The small girl was kneeling in front of a small shrine where the great god Shiva was housed. She was wearing black shorts with a black shirt to match. Her hair was tied into a ponytail with a gold necklace that had some special properties, and her eyes were a dull brown.

   “Dear god, this whole praying thing is starting to become an inconvenience into my research. Are you sure this 'legendary' village even exists?” the grouchy professor complained. She had a black cape and a red dress with white crosses all over her dress. She had short red hair and brown eyes. Her name was Yumemi Okazaki; a demented professor whose whole life was spent on proving magic was real.

   “This may be a bit excessive but we don't know what's going to happen to us. We don’t even know if we’re going to survive. It is best to prepare for the worst.” The girl murmured.

   Yumemi just snorted and grabbed a sword and cut down any foliage that got in her way. She grinned when she saw a dirt road that might lead to the center of the jungle, where the legendary village might be situated.

   “With my trusty sword, (that I stole from some stupid peasant) nothing will get in my way! Now get to it girl, we don't have all night!” Yumemi yelled.

   The trek was long and tedious. Yumemi and the girl were being followed by suspicious beings while swatting away bats as they grew towards the center. The attacks were getting stronger and faster and suddenly, everything stopped.

   “The attacks immediately stopped...” Yumemi whispered. “Do you know...hey! Where did the girl go?!”

   Yumemi ran around looking for the small girl, tearing away the jungle little by little. She shouted for the girl to see if she can answer her back but her ears were met by silence and to the sound of dogs howling. Yumemi was starting to panic and ran in a random direction, trying to get away from the jungle as fast as she can.

   “Remember, we need all the blessings we need to survive. It may seem a bit excessive but, it's to prepare us for the worst,”

   “G-GET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE!” Yumemi shouted. She continued to run around, hoping to find an opening where she can go find the nearest village. However, she stopped in her tracks  when she saw the little girl again.

   “Hello there Ms. Okazaki. Why did you run away? You were so close to finding the legendary village,” She said. The little girl was about to come closer and the howling of dogs were getting louder with every step she took. Yumemi started to freak out and stumbled back.

   “B-BACK AWAY! I WARN YOU, YOU DEMON!” She yelled. She grabbed her sword and held it close to her, ready to swing down if the girl braced for an attack.

   The little girl chuckled, “Oh Ms. Okazaki. I thought you were able to distinguish fact from fantasy but I guess I was wrong. What could I expect from a pathetic, loquacious, professor like you? I hope you don't answer that. It is a rhetorical question after all.”

   The little girl cackled and she held her right hand up high and swung down slashing away Yumemi's throat, killing her instantly.

   “Welcome to Ta Pung, the most deadliest village of all in Cambodia.”
 

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