A mysterious envelope appeared in my mailbox this weekend, marked “For Your Eyes Only”. Inside the following document was inside:
[FLD STN UVB-76, LOC: redacted BRNG: redacted SGN XMIT RTG: STRONG]
November XX, 2012
SPEAKER: All right, come on in, have a seat. Coffee? Tea? Of course, help yourself. Just because it’s a bunker doesn’t mean we don’t have the basic amenities. Hope you don’t mind if the danishes came out of an MRE. It’s a bit of a pinch around here.
Hm? Oh yeah, sorry, here. It’s the powdered stuff but again, pinch. There’s austerity and then there’s the War on Christmas, the Chanukah Contingent, the Kwanzaa-to-surface missile batteries posted along the coast, Yule raids, and don’t get me started about the New Year’s Ops. We’re stretched thin across all fronts. That’s why we sent for you.
Sit down. No, listen, at ease, sit down. I know this turned pretty official pretty fast, but we aren’t exactly Santa’s Strikers over here. This operation, first and foremost, is classified RED-WHITE, and there’s only a few people out there who can even qualify to that. Congratulations, you’re now on the distribution list for RED-WHITE. I can only go into the details if you’re willing to volunteer sight unseen and you read and sign this –
Listen, you really should at least read over it. I’m no lawyer but we can call one from JAG if you –
Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Operation: TOU-HO-HO was last put into effect in December 2009, just as the crisis against jolly and holly came to a head and things started to take a turn. Turns out that there’s interests at play here… and I’m not talking about Santa’s elves. The last guy we sent in came back mumbling about stockings, latkes, and communal economics. Radio intercepts go on about not one, not two, but THREE sovereign royal factions on a diplomatic mission bearing gifts and – no, I am not kidding – good tidings. I won’t even talk about the Mistletoe Missile, mostly because RED-WHITE clearance doesn’t cover that level of technology.
Believe it or not, you’ve got some friends who were in on TOU-HO-HO back in ‘09, and their contributions, while now in the archives and mostly classified, may or may not have turned the tide of the war. If not for them, I know there’d be a lot of people in very worse situations. This is your chance to join their ranks.
Operation: TOU-HO-HO has two key objectives. The first is to rally the people throughout the community to raise funds for charity. In ‘09 we cleared $1800 in donations, and we most certainly can meet or exceed that this time around. You can directly contribute by reading this thread for donation methods and instructions.
In the second we’re looking for those brave soldiers looking to directly spread holiday cheer with a Touhou flair. We’ve got several operational profiles available at this time. Take a look. Your superiors will be looking for the submission in each of the four categories that best encompasses the season – be it a holiday, a winter wonderland or an expression of good will towards man, little girl and/or fairy – utilizing anything part of Gensokyo in conveying this message. You may submit to any and all missions, but only one entry per soldier per category and you will only be eligible to place in one category.
We’ll be promoting the top scoring recruit and a runner up in each mission into Operation: CHARITY FUND DISTRIBUTION at the conclusion of our exercise. These top 8 troops will be tasked with choosing where a percentage of the total funds will be allocated – 20% for each winner and 5% for each runner-up – and each will also be awarded Idiot Hierarchy Promotions. I know it’s not much, but we at least want to recognize your service. Stick around to earn it, we hate giving out posthumous two-rank promotions.
MISSION: HOLLYMARI SKETCH
(best traditional art)
MISSION: 8-BITS 8 NIGHTS
(best digital art)
(best Walfas comic)
MISSION: SONIC KWANZAABOOM
(best song rewrite – see 2009 after action reports for examples)
Submit your entries by posting a thread in the Squadron Submission Board and either attaching your entry or submitting it to a free hosting service likeMediafire. If you chose to accept any of the previous assignments, all materials must be received by 0000 GMT-5 (12am Eastern for you civilians) December 21st
As an additional incentive to encourage donations for Operation: TOU-HO-HO, we’ve been authorized to distribute small tokens of our appreciation via a raffle even if you chose to not partake of the available missions. Each American Freedom Dollar you donate (as determined by the Office of War Bonds conversion algorithms) by December 24th to the cause will give you one ticket for a chance to receive one of these items. Our agent in charge of procurement will be briefing you all shortly with more information and recently declassified photos.
I know that was a lot to take in, so we’ll have special-ops available to answer any of your questions here.
You heard it folks! Operation: TOU-HO-HO is a go! Please read your assignments in the Squadron Ready Room, and prepare for deployment o7 Good luck!