Entry 138:
Well, in a nutshell, today sucked. I still can't get my mind off of how Marisa looked when she told me to leave her alone...
When I hit Reimu and gave her that black eye, Marisa looked mad. I signed it off as a "she'll thank me later" at the time, but now I'm starting to rethink that. I was in such a blind rage that I didn't care, all I wanted to do is make Reimu pay for hurting Marisa.
Marisa didn't want us to duel. She knew that I was going to overdo it, I think. I subconsciously knew I was going to overdo it as well, but I didn't care. All that needed to be done was make Reimu pay. That's it.
Before our duel started, I noticed that Marisa was looking onward with a grim look. I don't know what she could have been thinking though, seeing her friend and her girlfriend fight like that. I doubt it could have been nice though.
I'll admit that I broke the spellcard rules in our duel. I wasn't after a fair fight, I wasn't fighting with beautiful thought like you're supposed to. I wasn't looking to simply overpower her to make a deal in my favor - I was looking for blood. At that moment, I could have died, and it wouldn't have mattered to me. All I was concerned about was taking Reimu down, making sure she'd remember to treat Marisa with respect, or die for it. Such blind rage...I feel it now, even. I still don't forgive Reimu for doing what she's done. But I feel terrible for what I've done.
I shouldn't have hurt her that bad. Either she's a really good actress, or she was on the edge of passing out. The sheer overwhelming power of the danmaku I used wasn't charged to be numerous like it usually is - it wasn't made simply to be powerful in numbers in hopes of hitting its target. No, it was made with a rageful power, with intentions of destroying the target. Maybe I had created less danmaku that way, but the bullets and lasers I did create were very quick and powerful. It's through repeated hits with such shots that Reimu's spells were broken so quickly, and the aftershocks of that power physically hurt her. Badly.
But, to be completely honest, I was glad I hurt her. And I still would be if it weren't for the fact that Marisa now hates me for it. She was over Reimu when she landed with a horrified look, a look that will haunt me for a long time, I'm sure. Her eyes, although once filled with cheer and energy, were filled with shock and tears in that moment. And I caused it. All of it. And even worse, Marisa was up in an instant, pointing her Hakkero at me, screaming at me to just get away from them. And...
And that she doesn't want me to be around her ever again, she said.
Entry 139:
I really want to cry. I really do. But for some reason, I can't. I'm just...existing. I have this constant weight on my heart, and I can't do anything about it. I can't even kill myself correctly. I sat last night with a knife to my neck for at least an hour...I can't do it. For one, I can't stand the pain, but more importantly I can't stand the thought of leaving this world with Marisa still so mad at me. I can't get pills from Eirin either, because I know she wouldn't perscribe something that would kill me.
I'm really stuck. I really am. Marisa hates me, she doesn't want to talk to me. I can't end my own life. I can't control anything, can I? The only thing I have are these dolls...And even then, as I control them, the futility in their own existence is astounding, as they get destroyed at a sizable rate during battles. So what do I really control?
Nothing.
Entry 140:
That doll of me is sitting on my bedroom shelf, and it's unsettling. I know I still have this doll, but does Marisa still have the doll I gave her? Doubtful - she most likely Master Sparked it after what I did to Reimu. I don't blame her, considering how much of a failure I am.
I can't please Marisa even if I tried, because I have been trying, and look where it got me. I try to be her friend, and she accepts it at first, but I ruined that with all these stupid thoughts of romance. And after that, I tried to be somewhat of a guardian angel to her, reasoning that even if I can't have her, I could make sure she at least lives happily. But I had to ruin that as well with my stupid emotions, never thinking, only doing.
And now I'm here, alone. Again. Sitting in my house, my dolls the only ones I have as company. And, when one goes to think about it, that means nothing. I have fabric and wood as company - yeah, I'm leading a great life here.
Maybe I should go see Patchouli to get my mind off this stuff...I really just need SOMEONE as a friend right now.
Entry 141:
Well Patchouli hardly helped. All she told me was that I kinda deserved it, even though I was trying to be nice to Marisa. She just calmly told me to keep a better check on my own emotions and look out in the future.
How like her to basically not care about other people's problems. I mean, at least she didn't get mad or anything, but she could have at least shown a LITTLE interest. I guess that's just Patchouli though. If she were to be concerned with relationships, she would leave her library once in a while and go have a few outside of the mansion.
Entry 142:
Everything hurts. It's hard to get up in the morning even, considering I have nothing to get up for anymore. All I do now is try to work, but that work is simply for myself, and has no benefit on anything outside of my own home, really. So, in reality, the choice when I wake up is to either stay in bed and mope, or get up and slave away at things that don't matter anymore. Such a choice.
Marisa, I love you so much, you have no idea. I'm so sorry for what I did, I was just trying to protect you...If I had one chance to make it up to you, I would do anything you wanted. Anything.
Entry 143:
I really want to go out and apologize to her, but I can't find the heart to. I'm not going to go see somebody who hates me, because then I would have betrayed her wishes yet again. She wants me to stay away from her, and I painfully have to. I just really wish that I could go back in time and fix this stupid ordeal...There's nothing I can do about that, though. Even if I had somebody like Keine to help me, messing with history to fix a stupid mistake that only affects a very small group of people is quite selfish of me, as well as a waste of time and energy. Besides, the full moon isn't for another couple weeks.
I can't really go to talk to Reimu either, I doubt she's happy at me due to what I did. I don't blame her at all for that, though. The point of what I did wasn't to make Reimu happy, it was to make her sorry for mistreating Marisa. I don't know if she's actually sorry, though, because Marisa isn't happy about it either. I bet if anything, she's just pissed that I was meddling with things that really aren't my business.
And yet...I love Marisa. So it IS my business. Even if she hates me...I still love her. This kind of love isn't something that people would normally think of, I imagine. No, what I feel for Marisa is beyond simple infatuation, simple lust, simple joy. What I feel for Marisa is at a much, much deeper level than that.
Marisa, even though she might hate me, I will never stop caring about her. I'm always going to want to protect her, because she is so special to me. I can't even begin to describe in words why that is, but it just is. I could try to bring up my story about meeting her in Makai again, but it simply does not do this feeling justice. No matter what happens, I will always love Marisa, and I will always be here for her, even if she doesn't want it. I will always come to her aid when she needs it, and I will always look out for her. Always think of her fondly, and always do my best to ensure she lives happily...
Entry 144:
I was reading over what I wrote yesterday, I don't know where all of that pure emotion came from. I think I hit a nerve in my own heart, and it just kind of happened. It was as if I had struck a point of enlightenment, like I had decided my life's goal right then.
And it's all true.
I can't explain why, but Marisa is simply the most special person in my heart, whether she knows it or not. And everything I do, in reality, is for her.
I miss her so much...
Entry 145:
I've come to a conclusion today while attempting to work. I'm going to apologize to Marisa tomorrow, and then I'm going to apologize to Reimu. I don't care what either of them think, I owe them an apology.
Tomorrow.
Entry 146:
It was...awkward, to say the least. Marisa wasn't at her house, so I headed to the Shrine instead. Sure enough, the two were sitting together, having tea. Reimu looked like she was better, although she still had a few marks on her.
I had to stand there in front of both of them, after being greeted with a curt "what do you want" from Reimu, and apologize. It was hard to stop myself from crying, but I did it. And, after I had gotten no response from either of them, I just left.
I tried my best to apologize fully, and I meant every word I said. And yet, I have a feeling that either they didn't believe me, or they didn't care. Reimu looked mad, and Marisa looked confused. I just don't know what to do anymore. There really is nothing left, considering I've apologized, and that's gotten me nothing.
So what now?
Entry 147:
Tears. So many tears. I don't understand anything.
Marisa came over to my house today to say she accepted my apology. And yet, when she left, she left behind something.
A doll.