~Hakurei Shrine~ > Patchouli's Scarlet Library
capt. h's shorts
capt. h:
In which I embarrass myself by posting my shorts. Symptoms may include OoC, bad writing, good writing, Alternate Universe, and whatever I happen to be daydreaming about on a given day.
This will often include my WWC entires. This will also include non-wwc entries. The only non-wwc entry in the first update is the last one.
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It?s dark. I can?t see anything at all, so I make to get up and *bump* my head on something hard. I tap the ground ? wood. I tap the awfully low ceiling ? wood. I make to roll over and find wood again. So I?m stuck in a stuffy little wooden box. I summon a flame. No exits. Great. I?m stuck in a coffin, aren?t I?
How? How the hell did I get buried alive? Let?s see? Battle with neet, she smack talks me, I smack talk back, we kill each other, towards the end I get jabbed with a needle, rip it out, stab her with it, get my heart blasted out? then? nothing. Then I wake up in here.
Goddamn it. She poisoned me, didn?t she. Damn moon princess. Though I gotta say, I've never seen a poison this strong.
Well, time to get out of here. I blast through the top of the coffin, and get rewarded with a mouth full of dirt. Dirt, for the uninitiated, tastes like rocks mixed with an itty bit of feces, not something pleasant to have in your mouth. I?m six feet down, aren?t I? I wind up half clawing, half blasting my way through the grime. I swear I must have choked to death twice on the filth before I felt my hand break through. I pull myself up to my shoulders, and who do I find but the damn neet?s doctor.
She stares at me for a full minute before she decides to help me up. As we both worked on getting me out I had to ask, ?What the hell did you cook up??
?I believed it was a cure to immortality,? The nurse explains. ?It seems my hypothesis was mistaken.?
?Thanks for helping me up doc.? I say. Then I deck her. ?Don?t make any more dangerous crap like that. You could have killed me. So tell me doc, what brings you out to this?? I glance around. Tombstones. Lots of tombstones. ?cemetery.?
?Well, you pricked the princess in your battle, and you see...? Eirin trails off. I glance at the tombstone next to mine.
HERE LIES KAGUYA HOURAISAN
I buckle over laughing. ?You better start digging. The neet must be furious.?
capt. h:
?I hear voices.? Utsuho said, lying on the couch next to me.
?Those are perfectly natural. I hear them all the time!? I say. ?Usually when people are talking to me.?
?No, I mean in my head.?
?Well, where else are you going to hear them?? I ask. ?I mean, maybe if you heard them in your belly button there would be a problem, but your head is a perfectly normal place to hear voices.?
?I mean I hear voices, but they aren?t real.?
?Of course the voices are real! If they weren?t real, you wouldn?t be hearing them,? I say. ?Do you listen to them? I find that voices usually say stuff.?
?They tell me to burn everything.? The raven scowled.
?That?s normal.? I say. ?Are there people saying these things??
?No. The voices aren?t real, they all come from me.?
?Well then,? I say, tapping my pen on my cheek. ?You should know that just because a voice is in your head, doesn?t mean it?s not real. I suggested doing what the voices tell you.?
?But they tell me to kill people!?
?And do you want to kill people?? I ask.
?I don?t know anymore,? The raven says, clutching her head. She?s really worried, isn?t she? Ah well, only one fix for that.
?I think the voices are your subconscious. You should listen to it! You secretly want to destroy people, and the healthy thing to do is to listen to yourself!?
?But?? Utsuho stutters.
?No buts! I am your Psychiatrist, and I?m telling you to go out and burn things! Understand? Now go!?
I am such a good psychiatrist, I tell myself as I see my raven out. I should get a degree!
capt. h:
It was sometime around 1885 that Gensokyo appeared in the New Mexico Territory. Nobody knows why it appeared there and then. Gensokyo was supposed to be in Japan, was supposed to have been sealed for a hundred years, and was supposed to be a lot of things. Me? I let the academics sort that out. I?m a simple woman with simple goals, trying to make a living in the untamed wilds.
And I reckon nothing is simpler than the want of gold, ze? Course, getting the stuff is hard. These Americans like to keep their gold and money away from a poor thief like me. Not every train has cash or gold. Not even half of them have much of worth. But when they do have cash, they have a lot of it. I?m not familiar with the economics of transport?n it east to west and west to east, but I know they send the stuff all over.
As we sit overlookin? the tracks, my buddy speaks up ?This one,? she says. Her name?s Nazrin, has a real knack for sniffing gold out. Don?t know what she does with it. Never asked. But what she lacks in firepower she has in nosing the stuff out. ?Gold. A lot of it.?
?Well what?r we waiting for? That gold ain?t gonna take itself, ze?? I say, mounting my broom. Ah, one of the two tools that make us the most feared outlaws in the west. Most bandits are stuck with horses, but us? We fly, and my broom?s the fastest in the west. Heck, no sense being modest, I figure my broom?s the fastest ride anywhere. Nazrin gets on, I shout ?Ye-haw!?, and the wind rushes past my face as I run down that train. Only takes a second to pull up next to it.
?A little further,? Nazrin tells me, directing me to the car right behind the coal car. ?The front of that one.? I pull up next to the car and take out the second tool I?m feared for, a nice little magical reactor that livens up any heist.
I aim my ?mini-hakkero? at the side of the train and let out a wail, ?LOVE-COLORED MASTER SPARK!? A beam of my special brand of magic rips through the car. ?There?s our door, ze!?
?As unnecessarily destructive as always,? Nazrin deadpans. She never did have proper appreciation for my brand of magic. The train?s brakes screech along the rails with that lovely ear-piercing sound of a successful heist. Well, I reckon it?s not successful until we pick up our gold. As the train stops, Naz takes out her pistol. I set my broom down and aim my hakkero at the car, Nazrin aims likewise.
I shout towards the car, ?Now here?s the deal, ze. This ain?t your gold. This is the bank?s gold. No sense in you dying for the banks money, understand? Now I reckon you two?ve got family waitin? for you at home. And we?re not ones to separate you from your families. No sense bein? a hero for the banks gold when you have young?uns waiting for you at home. Now I?m gonna count to 3. And you?re gonna drop your guns and come out of that car by 3, or I?m gonna blast you out of the car, got it?? I pause. ?1. 2.?
?We surrender!? one of the guards says, throwing his weapon out the hole. A second gun is thrown, and two men leave the train with their hands in the air.
?Wise choice. Naz, tie ?em up.?
Nazrin gets the rope out and begins tying their hands a safe distance from the car. ?You gonna clear it out??
?Yep.? I say, charging my hakkero again. ?Love-colored master spark.? Magical energy roars through the air and tears off the roof. ?Looks clear to me,? I say. I step up onto the wooden floor of the car and approach a scorched safe. With a little magic to melt off the lock, I?m in, and who-boy, did I hit big.
?Hey Naz, must be at least 30 bars in here!?
?Told you. Gold. A lot of it.? Finishing up with the guards, she hands me a bag and begins stuffing her own. Even divvied across 5 of them the bags nearly split from the weight.
?Alright Naz, let?s saddle up!? I say, tying down the last of our haul to my broom. The two of us get on, whizzing away before any unneeded attention catches up to us. ?I think we?ve got enough gold to last us a lifetime, ze!?
Nazrin replies terse as always, ?For me, a lifetime. For you, a week.?
capt. h:
Space.
The final frontier.
Large beyond the comprehension of any mere mortal.
And a really nice place to put a sun.
I like the sun. It?s big a yellow, and there should be more of them. Not like that boring old moon. That?s not nearly bright enough. So I came up with this plan to make more of them. Suns that is.
Satori doesn?t like me making them in the house. Or in the underground for that matter. Something about stars should be in space.
So getting to work. The inner core?s connected to the ? radiative zone~. The radiative zone?s connected to the ? convection zone~. Course, knowing that?s not really necessary for the process. It?s good enough to simply bash lots of energy together really hard, until you get a huge sphere. Bigger the sphere, the longer the sun magic lasts, you could even get something permanent if you made it big enough.
In case you were wondering, my hobbies include creating subatomic reactions on the macro scale and on weekends I like to take a nuclear bomb to your laws of nature. Every Monday Morning is scolding time, when a couple of gods go over with the kappa how I ruined physics over the weekend and have to put it back.
I don?t see why I?m not allowed to create objects with less mass than a ping pong ball and the surface pull of Jupiter. You know what? Forget them. Sunday is me time, and I?m spending me time putting more stars in the sky orbiting a mere 50,000 miles away from earth.
capt. h:
I hear someone clap 3 times. Turning around, I come face to face with the Lunarian doctor.
?Congratulations, Mokou.? Eirin says, her arms crossed and her smirk smug. ?It took 20 years, but you may be the one person on earth who understands magical genetics better than me.?
?I didn?t ask you,? I say, returning to my specimens. Thousands of mosquitos and over two dozen rats all need to be accounted for tonight.
?I?m really impressed by your lunar curses. Before you began, I believed disease spells that could pass themselves genetically were impossible.?
?I?m just working with genetic lunar curses.?
?No, you?re using the disease version. I should know. I invented it.?
I pause to give the doctor a sideways glance as she continues, ?I am the greatest mind on earth. Did you think you could hide this from me??
?Actually, I?m disappointed it took you so long to figure out.?
?Oh, I had my suspicions,? Eirin continues. ?And now you have to stop.?
?I do, do I?? I smirk.
?You do. It?s been twenty years, it?s time to let go.?
?It?s not about avenging Keine.?
?Huh?? Eirin replies.
?Her death is behind me,? I say with a large pause, ?I killed the bastards, and I?m not going after their kids.?
?Alright, then what is your obsession about?? Eirin asks as if I?m her patient.
?The fact that I have to disguise myself to buy a loaf of bread in town,? I say.
?I don?t follow,? Eirin replies.
?I?m not human-looking enough to go into town, and I?m not youkai enough to fit into youkai circles either,? I sigh.
?So you plan to turn the world into werewolves in petty revenge??
?Perhaps,? I say, contemplating. ?I want to take away that nice clean line between human and youkai, and watch their perfect world burn. I want to fill the world with misfits, maybe then there will be a place in it for were-hakutakus and immortals.?
?Wait? immortals??
?Calm down, I wouldn?t wish immortality on my worst enemy. Already decided against poisoning the water supply.?
?Although you still won?t tell me where you keep your leftover stash,? Eirin sighs.
I stick my tongue out at her as she groans. ?Either way,? she continues, ?You have to be stopped.?
?Why??
?You know why.?
?I want you to tell me why you have to stop me.?
?The obvious reason is the death toll. Having dozens of youkai just appear in the streets would cause riots. I?d hardly be surprised if they lynched the cursed on the spot.?
?If that?s how they react, they deserve to be slaughtered,? I say. ?Meanwhile, I?ll be working on actual problems, like second generation survival rates. I?d like a lower stillborn percentage; I?m sure it?ll fix itself in a few generations.?
Eirin?s brow furrows, ??So you were successful already.?
?The project?s basically done,? I say, pointing at the mosquitos. ?I open that cage, and the world is infected.?
Eirin eyes the cage in contemplation, then with a resigned sigh, says, ?Do this, and the world will hate you.?
?It?s hated me for millennia,? I say.