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Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures
A crime against humanity A comedy.
Before we begin, a historical note.
Once upon a time, I was writing the first few installments of The White Rose of Chireiden (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=183.0) (also known as Satori Eye Z). However, the content of that fic is fairly... shall we say, dramatic and depressing (It gets worse. You have no idea
). It's quite a difficult story to write, even now. At random intervals while writing it, I had ideas for silly stories and fun jokes, but they would have been completely out-of-place in a story like Satori Eye Z. Also, I suffered from the occasional writer's block like I am now.
This fic was created as a response to that. Written in those periods of time when I didn't want to be serious or melodramatic, it was originally intended as a companion story to Satori Eye Z to prevent people from getting too depressed-- kind of like an omake. However, it has since become a large enough story in its own right. And as such, I have given it its very own thread.
WARNING: These are by no means serious fiction pieces. Any seriousness involved is purely coincidental. Authors' fetishes are shamelessly catered to, crack couples established as perfectly reasonable, stupid characters like Remilia assassinated ('cause let's face it, she really does deserve to be shot with a machine gun and then run over by a two-ton semi. Twice) and general liberties taken with the laws of physics and space-time. PC-98 coexists with Windows, universes collide, and food is eaten with delicious abandon. Questions are asked and never answered, threats are made, and Sanae's miracles frequently bring entire casts back from the dead. Touhou characters settle grudges by playing Melty Blood Actress Again, Yuka's singing is horrible, and other such blasphemies. Etc. I think you get the idea.
Here we go then. And to quote Ranma, "I'm really sorry about this."
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Story 1: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg88818#msg88818) Kazami Yuka no Yuutsuho
Story 2: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg88828#msg88828) Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell
Story 3: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg111276#msg111276) Lotus LAN Story
Story 3.5: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg148565#msg148565) Some... Halloween thing
Story 3.5.5: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg159767#msg159767) The J-Team
Story 3.5.5.whatever: (http://www.shrinemaiden.org/forum/index.php?topic=2245.msg199298#msg199298) Unidentified Pimpin' Object
And some more to come if I ever pick this series up again :V
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Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures
Story 1: Kazami Yuka no Yuutsuho
Note: This story does not actually have any Utsuho. lol false advertising
It was a dark, peaceful glade. Crystal trees chimed softly under the sunny sky. Beyond the edge of the glade, magnificent, grand sunflowers stretched out for miles upon miles, greeting the sun with their cheery yellow faces. Birds chirped and sang happily, fluttering all over the field, accompanied by hummingbirds and bees. The sky was bright blue and a breeze blew over the entire vista. An inviting summer day.
From this glade emerged two young women. Both were blondes, but one had short blonde hair and was wearing a long red dress and a white summer hat, as well as an immense scythe seemingly wound around her body. The other, a bit shorter than her companion though she had longer hair, wore a black skirt and a white button-up blouse, though she had an odd umbrella of sorts over her head. As the two stepped further and further into the light, it became evident that the umbrella was in fact two large vampire wings over her head.
Kurumi hissed at the sun. "Elly, you know I don't get along with the daylight."
"Pipe down," Elly said, laughing. "You'll be fine. See, there's Mugenkan way out there. See it? Just on the horizon?"
Despite the oppressive sunlight and heat, Kurumi had to smile as well. "Yes... we're almost home, Elly!"
Her companion cheered. "Whoo-hoo! Finally, we'll get to see Yukarin agai--"
It was then that a tremendous rustling broke out. The birds all began to hoot and start rushing at the glade. Startled, the two women reflexively got into a fighting position. Kurumi instinctively readied her claws, and Elly kept one hand on her scythe.
"What's going on?" Kurumi asked Elly in a low voice.
"I don't know," was all Elly managed to get out before they heard it.
"It" was a horrible screeching sound, a crime -- no, a sin, and an abominable one at that -- against the very nature of sound itself. It pierced the air, shattering it into a million pieces, zooming across the fields from its source. It was high-pitched and rapid, lacking all sort of rhythm and style; indeed, whether or not it was music was a question that ought not have been applied to that shriek, as it was an insult to the good name of music everywhere. It was a screech, cutting and painful.
As it rolled across the fields, hummingbirds' songs died in their throats and they died, not knowing what it was that had claimed their lives. Bees dropped like flies, their life sucked out of them. As it moved, it killed off small mammals in the field, instantly ended the life of millions of blades of grass, withered entire acres of sunflowers, and met Kurumi and Elly--
Kurumi screamed, dropping to the ground almost instantly, holding her ears as tightly as she could until her knuckles turned white. Her scream of pure agony was drowned out by the abomination, and she writhed on the floor, twitching madly and crying, praying, pleading for the torment to end and take her life already.
Elly did not do any better. She collapsed to the ground slowly, covering her ears as well, her eyes scrunched against the sound. She wailed, convulsing on the ground, screaming. She felt the sound penetrate to the very center of her being, cutting, piercing, sparing nothing in its quest to kill her--
After what seemed like an eternity, Elly opened her eyes. She blinked, blinking away the red in her version. She slowly sat up, looking around. She surveyed the torn and blasted landscape; everything was brown and withered. The earth was dry and withered, and even the glade behind her seemed to have been shredded apart, the trees on the outernmost edge rotted and falling over. The breeze had died, and even the sunlight seemed to have dimmed slightly.
Next to her, Kurumi lay, trembling fitfully and still letting out low moans. Her skin was pale and it seemed as if her skirt had been bleached, as it was now almost a light purple. Somewhere in Elly's mind, it occurred to her that they would both look really good in sailor suits. She put it down to post-traumatic stress and turned to Kurumi, shaking her shoulder gently. "Kurumi. Kurumi. Kurumi, wake up."
"... is it over?" Kurumi asked in a weak, tiny voice.
"... it's over," Elly gasped out, her voice sounding raspy and withered, as if she hadn't used it in years. She pulled Kurumi up to a sitting position; the young vampire girl held herself as if she had been violated. Truth be told, that was how Elly felt as well.
"What was that?" the scythe-wielder asked aloud, but Kurumi only broke out into a new set of convulsions. "That sound... that sound," she gasped to herself as she shook violently.
"Calm down, Kurumi," Elly pleaded. "It's over. It's over."
Kurumi nodded dumbly. Her companion slowly got to her feet, her legs shaking. She pulled herself up with the help of her scythe, then extended her hand to the shaking Kurumi, who took it.
"... the land," was all the vampire was able to say. Elly nodded. Before them, the land was renewing itself at a frighteningly fast pace. Already, new shoots were breaking through the previously barren earth, and slowly the field creatures began to return, much to the two women's amazement.
"... Yukarin is still alive," Elly concluded. She laughed, relieved. "It's the only explanation!"
"How can she live with that... horror?" Kurumi asked quietly.
"I don't know-- maybe it's a youkai? Maybe Yuka is fighting-- Kurumi! I think she needs our help!"
Kurumi nodded, her face still pale. Elly held out her hand, and Kurumi took it. The two ran into the field together.
-----
"How long do you think this has been going on?!" Kurumi asked, feeling better now that she had a breeze blowing in her face. "How can Yukarin live through this?!"
"We have no way of knowing!" her companion responded. "The grass grows back so quickly. Yuka is still alive and well, I think--"
"ELLY!" Kurumi suddenly stopped in her tracks, holding her friend's hand and stopping her from moving any further.
"No! NO!" Elly screamed. "Kurumi, if we get caught out here, if that sound happens again, we'll di--"
The vampire responded by releasing Elly's hand and kneeling down. There, hidden amongst the new sunflower shoots, was a blue-haired girl, her clothing immensely dirty, almost burnt, her hair matted and muddy, a shapeless purple rod clutched in her right hand. Kurumi pulled her out and turned her over to face the sky as Elly watched her-- and then realized who it was.
"Is that... Yuka's concubine?" Elly asked. "What HAPPENED to her?!"
Faced with the sun, Kogasa Tatara slowly opened her eyes and began to gasp.
"Kogasa," Kurumi began, but was halted by Kogasa suddenly reaching up and pulling her down by her shirt collar. Now Kurumi's face was so close to Kogasa's that she could feel her strained, raspy breath on her face. But Kogasa's eyes didn't even see Kurumi; they stared elsewhere, into space.
"What happened, Kogasa?" Elly asked, dropping to her knees and kneeling over the karakasa. "Kogasa! Where's Yuuka?"
At the sound of Yuuka's name, Kogasa's head turned to Elly, and her eyes were suddenly full of terror. She moved her lips, but no sound came out. Kurumi leaned in her ear, trying to hear, but Kogasa really could not speak anymore.
"Kogasa, what happened to Yuuka?" Elly begged again. "KOGASA!"
And it was then that Kogasa cried out in a whisper, at some image only she could see-- she cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath:
"The horror! The horror!"
Kurumi felt a sob in her throat as she felt Kogasa's deathgrip on her shirt weaken and die off. She caught her falling arm and lay it gently down on the karakasa's chest. Elly had turned several shades paler watching. Kurumi slowly got to her feet.
"Should we go any further?" she asked tentatively. Elly seemed frozen in place. "Elly? Elly?"
Elly blinked, looking at Kurumi. "I... Kurumi, I..."
"Yes?"
"... why do I suddenly want to wear a sailor fuku?"
Before Kurumi could respond, the air hissed as it was offensively cut into pieces by the sound again. Rolling over the hills, killing every sunflower in its path-- Kurumi was barely able to get out a gasp of horror before the sound hit her and Elly, this time as close as if it was right next to them--
And several minutes later, nothing living remained in the field.
-----
Several miles away, glass broke and the earth trembled. Screaming, and then "MUSOU FUJIN!" But the dull roar of thousands of demons and spirits breaking free overpowered it.
Roaring, Reimu Hakurei burst out of the Hakurei Shrine, which had spontaneously burst into flame. She was dual-wielding two gohei and holding an entire sheaf of spellcards under her left arm.
"THAT SOUND! THAT SOUND!" she yelled, and marched off into the night to put an end to the abomination.
In Reimu's mind, the terrifying shape of a sailor fuku began to grow...
-----
A few minutes earlier
Yuka bounced up and down on the sofa in her basement as she waited for her new karaoke system to load the new song, her red-and-white checkered sailor uniform fluttering up and down as she did so.
Only a few minutes ago, her karaoke machine had burst into flames as she had played the Lucky Star opening theme on it. She had worn it out, forcing it to replay endlessly as she had her fill of dancing and doing all of Konata's moves.
Now, though, it was fixed. And it was ready to go again.
"How about the Hare Hare Yukai this time?" Yuka asked herself cheerfully as the CD began to play.
END
Thanks to FAV for suggesting the Lucky Star opening song as "the most horrible, high-pitched teenybopper teenage Japanese girl-esque song imaginable".
(And yes, Kogasa's last words are flagrantly ripped off from Heart of Darkness. Google it!)
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Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures
Story 2: Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell
Why Yuka agreed to let Elly go to the TA meeting, she didn't figure out until a while later.
Kurumi had watched why Elly had been driven to drink. She had been part of it herself. After both of them had respawned the last time Yuka's horrible, genocide-inducing singing had been set loose on Gensokyo, they had promptly had their asses kicked by the black-white witch and the red-white miko. Then, after the miko had gone on alone to destroy Yuka's karaoke set and bring peace to the land, Yuka had gone out to the fields to sing, where all the plants withered, died, then almost instantaneously revived thanks to Yuka's immensely strong affinity for them. So that meant that only those people within hearing distance were still continually affected by Yuka's singing.
And this, unfortunately, included Elly, Yuka's faithful attendant. Having to hear Yuka sing would drive anyone to drink, Kurumi realized belatedly. Kurumi was Yuka's servant in charge of maintaining the local Lake of Blood brimming. Kurumi didn't mind; she was a vampire, after all. She liked it. But she realized later that this meant that she spent quite a bit of time away from her dear Elly, and that without Kurumi's companionship, Elly had drowned her miseries in the bottle.
She should have figured it out that first day after they had recovered, when Elly had run to the Lake of Blood and held on to Kurumi tightly.
"She's singing!" Elly wailed. "'HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE! WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY!' And there was this bunch of groundhogs near her feet that just died when she started... and now she's singing MOU IKKAI, KURUMI! MOU IKKAI!"
"Shhh," Kurumi said soothingly, rubbing Elly's heaving back. "Shh, just go back to her..."
"MOU IKKAI! MOU IKKAI!"
"Yes, yes, I know. But won't Yuka get lonely out there without you, Elly?"
Elly lifted her head from Kurumi's chest where she had collapsed. "Yu... I can't leave her alone..."
"Exactly," Kurumi said reassuringly, hoping she had said the right thing. "Now go back to your master."
As it turned out, Kurumi's words had been the straw that broke the camel's back. Faced with her agony over Yuka's awful singing, and trapped by her guilt at escaping from Yuka, she was forced to find something to drown out the news. And it seemed that she had chosen alcohol. Sweet sake, specifically, which was something like getting drunk off of apple cider. Elly had terrible tolerance.
Still, Kurumi wanted to know why Elly had been sent away, this night of all nights (and maybe as a side note, what "TA" even stood for). She was usually lounging around in front of the main gate to Mugenkan now, lying on the ground and generally acting like a slothful, lazy bum. But tonight was the night Kurumi had been planning to take Elly out on a (romantic, maybe?) boat ride on the moonlit Lake of Blood and, while trapped on the lake, conduct an alcohol intervention. Kurumi knew that alcoholism was Gensokyo's primary vice, but she was hoping that Elly would turn from that path. Her Elly was sweet, kind, and sober; this Elly was a sleazy, sleepy bum. And Kurumi didn't want that for her.
So the young vampire made her way through the halls of Mugenkan. She emerged from her room in the northernmost part of the mansion, and fluttered her way over to Yuka's room, trying not to make a sound. As she got closer, she realized it didn't matter. All sorts of dead creatures were piled up outside Yuka's door; she could tell, because a horrible wailing sound was coming from within, killing plants and small animals in the immediate radius of three meters.
Kurumi winced. She didn't want to respawn again. So, biting her tongue, she turned around and turned the corner--
And was bowled over by Yuka's concubine/pet, Kogasa Tatara. Kogasa landed heavily on top of Kurumi; Kurumi winced slightly. Not so much at Kogasa's weight, but rather, the weight of that huge umbrella she was always carrying. Kurumi knocked its tongue away from her face with a swipe of her hand, and came face-to-face with the karakasa, who smelled vaguely like a fresh spring breeze. Kurumi blinked; the karakasa blushed faintly, noting their awkward position.
"Sorry, I was trying to surprise Yuka, and it seems like I surprised you instead," Kogasa said apologetically, crawling off of Kurumi and getting up. Kurumi grunted, trying to hide her blush. For a moment there, she had been wondering what it would have been like if Elly had been on top inst-- "YES! I need your help, Kogasa!" she said hurriedly, trying to clear her head of certain fantasies. She clutched Kogasa's hand tightly. "Tell me, Kogasa, do you know anything about a group called 'TA'?"
Kogasa looked more surprised than even Kurumi had been earlier. "Eh! I dunno. Ta... tara... no, that can't be it..."
Kurumi scrounged her memories for any sort of scrap of information. "I think they meet in, eh... Hakugyokurou Manor? I think."
"Oh, that TA?" Kogasa responded happily. "TA of Hakugyokurou and Mayohiga! Yes, I know what you're talking about. That's 'Temperance Anonymous'."
"Temper... what?" Kurumi tilted her head to the side. "Temperance, as in, not drinking and staying sober?"
The karakasa nodded. "Exactly."
"Ah! So they're going to get rid of Elly's drinking habit?!" Kurumi asked excitedly, her wings unfurling and standing on end with the thrill. "They're going to convince Elly that drinking is bad!"
"Eh... not exactly," Kogasa responded sheepishly, scratching her head.
"What do you mean, 'not exactly'?" the vampire asked, confused. "They're devoted to temperanc--"
"Temperance Anonymous is an organization devoted to MAKING alcoholics," Kogasa explained. "Not getting them off the habit."
Kurumi turned her head slowly to Kogasa.
".... what."
Kogasa gulped.
Within a second, Kurumi was racing down the hallway and out the main entrance to Mugenkan, zooming across the Lake of Blood that separated Mugenkan from the rest of Gensokyo, determined to hunt Elly down before anyone got to her.
-----
But she was outnumbered. Of course. Hakugyokurou was an alcoholic stronghold, stocked to the brim with fabulously expensive wines, beers, sake bottles, and other alcoholic beverages, most of them "borrowed" from beyond the barrier by none other than Yakumo Yukari herself. At the insistence of Saigyouji Yuyuko, the sweet (and hard-drinking) princess of the netherworld, her (disgusted) servant Konpaku Youmu had built a treehouse in the boughs of the immense Saigyou Ayakashi, called the Saigyou Brewery.
A "treehouse" for Yuyuko was no mere ordinary mortal treehouse; the treehouse, if it could be called that, was a huge, arrogantly palatial western-style house in and of itself, sealed firmly within the unshaking branches of the immense Saigyou. As such, it was stocked with everything, such as an open-air onsen (warmed by the hot springs near the Hakurei Shrine, redirected courtesy of Yakumo Yukari), a pool table, a basketball court, and a fully stocked bar, packed to its fullest with alcohol.
Elly slammed down the shot of vodka and crashed the glass onto the bar in front of her. "Giv' me 'nother." Her words slurred together, making it hard for anyone to understand her.
The one remaining sober person in the entire establishment glared down at her. "I think you've had enough," Youmu objected, anger evident in her voice, although it was probably because she was being forced to serve as the bartender. "Elly, this is stupid. No one should ever drink seventeen shots of vodka in one night, much less consecutively."
"Oh, be quiet, Youuuuuuuuumuu-tan!" Yuyuko said cheerfully, twirling around Youmu on the bartender's side of the bar. "SERVE 'ER ANOTHER!" she laughed uproariously, raising her glass of second-century Roman wine to Elly.
Youmu groaned but did what she was told, serving Elly another shot. Yuyuko hopped over the bar easily and sat down next to Elly, who promptly leaned on the ghostly lady. "So, Elly, what brings you to the TA meetin' today?" Yuyuko asked, her words also slurred.
Behind them, a small crowd gathered around Cirno as she had a drink-off with Suika, trying to see who could get to a 99% blood alcohol concentration first, Hoshiguma Yuugi and the Prismrivers were laughing uproariously at the drunken pole dancing of Shikieiki Yamaxanadu and Reiuzi Utsuho, and a completely smashed Komeiji Satori was telling bad ghost stories to the equally smashed Scarlet Devil Mansion group, who was dying of laughter while Aya sat to one side and took notes for the Bunbunmaru Newspaper on beerstained cocktail napkins. In one of the corners of the room, Kumoi Ichirin, Yagokoro Eirin, and Kamishirasawa Keine held a pseudo-intellectual discussion while Fujiwara no Mokou and Houraisan Kaguya sloppily made out, egged on by a drunken Gengetsu and a completely naked Yakumo Ran, and in another corner, Unzan was molesting Myon as Shinki and the rest of the Makai-ites looked on, laughing.
In front of her, Youmu twitched madly, alternating between a lustful gaze and homicidal anger. Elly blinked slowly, then downed her eighteenth shot.
"ANOTHER ROUND!" Yuyuko called out cheerfully, but Youmu was no longer there, having excused herself to run to her bedroom just seconds before. Elly had noticed with her slow gaze that Youmu had quickly been swallowed up by a sudden gap that had appeared out of nowhere, but paid it no mind; Yuyuko hadn't even noticed.
Instead, in Youmu's absence, Yuyuko simply phased through the bar and grabbed bottles off the shelves at random, not knowing or caring what they were, and set them on the counter in front of them. Elly took hold of a bottle of Phoenician Elixir ("Guaranteed to make you feel like a conqueror!") and downed the whole flagon in seconds, then turned and did the same thing with a Ming-dynasty bottle of rice wine. Yuyuko looked on approvingly as she drank from her own bottle of Vatican Wine, circa 1400.
"I wasss sent hear bah... Yuuka," Elly drawled. She reached out for another bottle and, missing it, knocked over a glass of sixth-century tequila. It spilled all over her. She didn't notice. "She mahde me get all smashed... imma blow up 'er mansion..."
"Tee-hee~" Yuyuko giggled absently, finishing the Vatican wine and moving on to drinking an ultra-rare beer left behind by Ivan the Terrible; there were only eighteen bottles in all of existence. Yuyuko glugged it down, burped, and moved on to a flask of wine stolen from the tomb of a Mayan emperor. "Eh, don' matter, just have fun!" she cheered, raising her bottle to the air. She was losing her grip on her semi-corporeal self, so it wasn't entirely unexpected when she dropped the wine bottle and caught it in her abdomen as she semi-solidified once more.
Yuyuko giggled again and fell off her stool. Youmu would have been pleased to know that her sleeping potion had worked, but unfortunately she was not around to see it.
Elly lazily cast her glance over this and took a long swig of Yuyuko's Mayan Mix.
"Ah wonder wherea... where Kurumi izz," she muttered. "Drinkin' alcohol makes ya sekushii."
And then she vomited.
-----
And so Kurumi set out to Hakugyokurou.
The only problem was, she didn't know how to get there.
"... I should have remembered to bring a map," Kurumi muttered as she wandered around Gensokyo after leaving the flower fields of Mugenkan. Out of desperation, she scrounged her pockets, but all she could find was some loose change and a spare key to the Mugenkan secret lust room (stolen from a random fairy while she wasn't looking, out of curiousity). "Seriously, how am I supposed to find my way to the Netherworld like this?"
She wished Elly were with her. Elly would have been smart enough to bring a map, and clever enough to make her way to Hakugyokurou without help. But how would she do it? Elly wasn't around. So now Kurumi had to figure it out on her own.
"Nnnnnnnnrgh," Kurumi moaned, putting her hands on her head and frowning. "I'm not smart enough for this kind of stuff!"
She sat down on a rock in the middle of a forest path and tried to think. "TA... they would need a lot of alcohol. A lot. Where does alcohol come from? Who in Gensokyo makes alcohol? Everyone. Well, who makes alcohol in mass quantities?
"
Kurumi sat upright, realizing.
"Suika, Hakurei Shrine. Hell, their very name is an alcoholic drink!"
-----
"Sure, I know where Hakugyokurou is," Reimu said, hunkered down in an irate crouch on the patio of Hakurei Shrine, sipping angrily from a cup of tea.
"You do?!" Kurumi exclaimed happily, her wings flapping with happiness.
"And even where TA is. Hell, I was one of the motherfucking founding members." She took another swig. "Not that that means a fucking thing to them. Fucking assholes. I fucking found their motherfucking alcoholic den and they don't even invite me to the fucking meetings? What the fuck?"
-----
About two days ago
Youmu was sitting in her room, penning out the last of the invitations for the TA meeting in two days with lovely her calligraphy. Suddenly, a giggle. Youmu turned around. "Yuyuko-sama?" she asked, just as a gloved hand emerged from a gap and held her arm tightly.
Youmu almost panicked, at which point she saw Yuyuko standing in her doorway. But she had a mischievous gleam in her eye. "All righty, Yukari~n, take her away!" Yuyuko laughed, and instantly, Youmu was whisked off into a gap. Yuyuko followed. She and Yukari would have fun tonight.
The forgotten invitation floated away on the breezes of Hakugyokurou.
-----
"Fuck 'em," Reimu snarled.
Kurumi swallowed. She would be in for more of this verbal filth when she got Elly on withdrawal, she realized. But Elly was worth it. Kurumi steeled herself and stood up straight.
"Could you take me there?" Kurumi asked. "I have business in Hakugyokurou's TA meeting!"
"Fuck no," Reimu sneered. "Fucking ungrateful bitches. I'm not gonna go all the way there just to ask for fucking PERMISSION to go to my own fucking club's meeting!"
"I have money," Kurumi said hopefully.
"Let's go," Reimu commanded as she pulled Kurumi by her sleeve, and then yanked her upwards and into the sky.
-----
Three stages, one declaration of "SPRING!", and several hundred dead fairies later
"So, uh... let us in," Reimu said, her clothes slightly torn.
"Yeah, sure," Lunasa replied. "You know, it's that. Around here, when the season changes, the atmospheric pressure... uh, lowers."
"... you're not actually paying attention to what we're saying, are you," Kurumi said dimly, her clothing still smoking from an earlier encounter with Lily White.
"Nobody's telling you to go home," Lunasa continued, seemingly not noticing. "I just meant that there are ascending air currents, you see."
"She isn't paying attention at all," Reimu said to Kurumi, sighing.
Lunasa was standing. Atop one of the pillars before the gates of Hakugyokurou, a bridge of sorts had been hastily erected atop the two closest to the gate, bridging the gap between them. That was where Lunasa now stood, frozen and sounding vaguely mechanical.
"What is she doing?" Kurumi asked.
"You're hurrying too much, sister," Lyrica's voice said, because all of a sudden Kurumi began to doubt that it was actually Lyrica.
Two cardboard cutouts of the remaining Prismriver Sisters began to wheel out to the center of the bridge from each pillar they had been hiding behind. They clunked into place beside Lunasa, who kept droning on as if she were actually there.
Reimu smirked. "I always said I thought the Prismrivers were two-dimensional villains, but this is ridiculous."
"And who is thaERROR," Merlin's cardboard cutout screamed.
"Eh?" Reimu asked.
"An ascending air current," Lunasa responded mechanically.
"Wait," Kurumi murmured.
"Our natural enemy!" Lyrica exclaimed, woodenly raising a hinged cardboard arm.
"Must have just been my imagination," Reimu said, turning her back on the cardboard cutouts of the Prismrivers as Lyrica babbled on, her cardboard figure wobbling slightly in the wind.
BGM: ZUN - Phantom Ensemble - 320 kbps
"Oh, nice music change," Kurumi observed. "Excellent subwoofers."
"I wish my shrine could do that," Reimu said sadly.
Just then--
"There will be a ERROR - CORE DUMP--" Merlin's recording screeched.
"What?!" Reimu demanded, turning around. "I *knew* I heard that correctly!"
"speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage four--') ERROR, CORE DUMP," Merlin's recording screamed.
"She's spouting gibberish!" Kurumi said.
"ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR-- speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage four@$@$five@$@$six@#$@#ext$@$@pha#$@$-')"
Merlin's cardboard cutout suddenly burst into flames.
"You, however, have no instrument," Lunasa's recording droned on, oblivious.
"SYNTAX ERROR ERROR ERRO---speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage f--ph@#@#a@$@$@#nt@$a@#@#$s-')!" Merlin cried in a badly modulated voice, her odd, jerky movements starting to actually worry Kurumi.
The fire spread to Lunasa, and then to Lyrica.
"INIT DEBUG INTERPOLATE RECOMPILE speech:=('PCB Reimu arrival stage pha--') REBOOT" Merlin spat out, before stopping cold for a moment, eyes closed.
"All right... I know Lunasa and Lyrica are just cutouts... but that doesn't look like a cutout to me," she said nervously, pointing at the small mecha in Merlin's guise.
"It isn't," Kurumi gasped.
Suddenly, the robot's eyes flew open. They were glowing red. She resumed her former position as if nothing had happened. A twisted grin crossed Mecha-Merlin's face. She pointed imperiously at Reimu. "Hah! Sorry, I won't be letting you through! Welcome to PCB PHANTASM, Hakurei!"
"SHIT!" Reimu screamed, pushing Kurumi out of the way as fast as she could. "QUICK! Over the gate or we're doomed!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mecha-Merlin screeched as an enormous blue laser materialized in her hand. Her deranged grin widened. "DISREGARD EVERYTHING I JUST SAID! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" She swung the laser around as a sword and blocked Kurumi's passage. But pushed fowards by inertia, Kurumi was going to run right into it--
At the last moment, Reimu let go of Kurumi and slid slightly underneath her, aiming as best she could--
"Hakurei KICK!" she declared, using one of her lesser-known spellcards from SWR. Kurumi went sailing over Mecha-Merupo-Merlin-whatevertheheckshewas' laser and the gate to Hakugyokurou as well.
"Reimuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Kurumi yelled back, her wings finding purchase in the air as she fluttered above the gate. "Come ooonnn!"
Reimu looked at Mecharupo's crazed blue grin, at Kurumi, then back again at the blue laser sword.
"... nah," she said, waving Kurumi away. "This looks like a lot more fun!"
"O--okay! If you s-- say so!" Kurumi stammered, turning around and flying off. She didn't like leaving a friend behind like this, but if that was what she wanted, then what choice did she have?
Besides, she remembered. She had to find Elly...
"KURUMI!" Reimu screamed one last time.
"WHAT?!" Kurumi yelled back.
"THE TA MEETING IS IN THE HUGE TREE!" Reimu finished, flexing her arms.
"Ye-- YES!" Kurumi replied as she zoomed up the stairs.
For her part, the Hakurei maiden turned to see her opponent, an almost hungry grin on her face.
"YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!" Mecharupo screeched as she swung her blue laser sword down at Reimu.
"Hoo boy," Reimu exhaled, pulling out some spellcards from her back pockets. This was going to be the most fun she had had in a while.
-----
Kurumi flew her way up the long stairs, not encountering much hostility except for some token resistance from a few of the guardian spirits. She wondered vaguely where everyone had gone, and more importantly, how long these stairs took.
"I wonder how Reimu is doing?" Kurumi muttered to herself.
-----
"Starcraft 「MY LIFE FOR AIUR」!"
"THAT'S UNDODGEABLE DANMAKU, YOU STUPID ROBOT!"
-----
"Eh, she'll be fine." Kurumi shrugged and went on her way.
-----
To be continued
-
Story 2: Happy Treehouse Friends! The Retrieval Quest from Hell (continued)
-----
In Hakugyokurou, Elly still hadn't passed out. For some reason. Mokou was sprawled out on the table next to her, after having gotten in a drunken barfight with Kaguya. Elly took a slow sip of her 1202 Aquitainean wine while she watched, then realized she had run out.
"Hey, Momi," she said woozily.
The wolf tengu turned towards her; as the only other sober person in the room, she had been forced at tengu leaf-point to serve the drinks after Youmu had been whisked away by Yukari for some 'fun'.
"Hit me."
Momizi sent a cold frothy beer down Elly's way. She slid one across the bar towards Mokou, but it bounced off the head of the unconscious immortal phoenix girl, who was slumped over on the counter, drooling slightly.
Elly turned around and watched Wriggle pole-dancing for a bit, then turned back around and regarded Momizi, who was sipping some vodka, but not to the point that she was outright stone drunk. "... ey, arentya suppos'd to be sober?"
"I am sober," Momizi replied, taking another sip and licking her lips. "It's a Tengu secret."
"Secret, my ass," Elly said dismissively, taking another swig of her beer. "Lies an' bullshit."
"That's not true!" Momizi objected, frowning. "Look, I'll prove it to you!" She reached into her shirt and pulled out a small pouch. From this pouch, she pulled out a small green leaf. "I have a good friend, a wanderer Tengu, who brings me limited shipments of these once a year from some really remote holy place called 'Sakurasaki Shrine'. She doesn't let word of them get out because the local miko and her robot maid friend would kill her.* But this thing will get you sober right quick."
*Now that they're not allowed to work out their aggression by destroying spaceships and the like after the events of Ban Shi Ryuu, Hirano Sakurasaki and VIVIT have been forced to get new jobs to pay for all the damage they've done to the shrine with their ridiculous Dragonball Z training methods.
"Heh," Elly said. "Is this another load of bullshit like that Hourai Elixir thing a while back?"
"Naw, man," Momizi replied. "This is the shit."
"This better not give me poison ivy on my tongue or something," Elly said, taking the leaf and popping it into her mouth, crunching it experimentally. "Doesn't taste like much," she said, swallowing. The next instant, her eyes bugged out of her head as her head became clear and her fatigue vanished.
"Man!" Elly said. "It made me sober again!"
"That's the Tengu's interest in them," Momizi said. "Now people can get plastered over and over again with no ill effects. The Tengu will be millionaires."
"Well, let's test that theory!" Elly said with an evil glint in her eye. "Toss me another brewski, chief!"
TWELVE MUGS LATER
"Wow, this room is like... filled with weird gravity," Elly said woozily, her eyes rotating around in her skull of their own volition. "I think I'm like, ready for that leaf now."
"Ahahahahaahahhahaha!~" Momizi laughed gaily as she slapped Elly on the back. "WEEEEEEEEE ARE THE PIRAAAAAAAATES! WHO DON'T DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGGG!"
Elly threw her arm around Momizi, and together the two slurred their way through the barsong. "WE JUST STAY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME! AND LIE AROUNNNNNNNND! AND IF YOU ASK USSSSSSSSSSSSS-- TO DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGGG-- WE'LL JUST TELL YOUUUUUUUUU-- WE DON'T DO ANYTHING!"
On the other side of the counter, the pills remained in their pouch, forgotten, as Elly got even drunker than she had been before.
-----
"So... this is Hakugyokurou?" Kurumi asked herself as she stepped off the Endless Stairs and down a long cobblestone pathway, leading as far as the eye could see, to an arrogantly huge cherry blossom tree whose boughs stretched out over the entire Netherworld.
"It's colossal," she breathed, and then she doubled over in pain as she coughed up sakura petals. The tree was shedding. It was like hundreds of sakura petals were being dumped on her each passing second. It was literally raining them down. She squinted as she put her hand over her eyes and attempted to navigate the sudden cherry blossom storm.
After a few minutes of struggling through the increasingly high pileup of sakura petals and one instance of being caught up in a spontaneous cherry blossom tornado, Kurumi waded through the sea, stopped, coughed out sakura petals, and simply collapsed into the pink blizzard, exhausted and tired.
Come on, Kurumi, she thought.
You can do it.
No, I can't. This is exhausting. I don't want to die here, being suffocated to death by cherry blossoms. I'm going back.
You can't go back! You've come too far, Kurumi. At this point, going back would be harder than going forward. Your only choice is to press on.
But I'm so... tired.
Ah, I see. So are you going to let Elly alone to her fate?
I never said that!
That's what "I want to go back" means, Kurumi.
That's not...
A moment of pause, and then--
I... have to keep moving forward...
That's the spirit~
I must... keep moving forward...
"Keep moving on," a voice whispered on the breeze.
"Eh? What was that?" Kurumi asked aloud as she looked around. She saw no one and nobody. "... was it just the wind?"
The vampire shrugged and continued walking through PCB stage six, making her way to the great tree, the Saigyou Ayakashi, where Reimu had said the TA Mansion had been built.
Unnoticed, Komeiji Koishi walked beside her, smiling, a single white rose tucked into the brim of her hat.
-----
"An' you know I'm really powerful, man." A drunken Sanae waved her cup of sake around at the half-conscious drinkers around her. "I can make miracles happin." She hiccuped.
"O ya?" asked Satori, lying on the table next to her. "Then send in a hot vampire chick, right now."
Kurumi walked into the TA bar, doing her best to avoid showing any outward sign of revulsion at the sweaty smell of liquor and spirits combined with the stench of total pathetitude.
"Whoa," the satori said in awe of Sanae's power before passing out. Kurumi hissed and looked around for Elly; she was sitting between Sanae and a very drunk (and very, very lewd) Komachi.
Elly blinked as a wavy, odd-looking shape came walking towards her on the ceiling*, stretching out its hand. "Elly, come on."
*She can't see right, Kurumi is on the ground
"Closing time already?" Elly mumbled. "Man, you're a funny lookin' fairy, you know that?" She waved a bottle of prehistoric grape wine at the creature.
"Control yourself," Kurumi said stiffly, pulling Elly to her feet. "You're coming with me."
"Excuse me?" a calm and perfectly sober voice asked from behind Kurumi.
The vampire swallowed and turned around slowly, holding up her arms. "Look, I'm sorry, but I need this girl--"
In front of her, the entirely drunk Yakumo Yukari pushed her arms out of her way, gave Kurumi a sloppy kiss, and fell over in a dead faint.
"... aah--" Kurumi said, involuntarily starting to cry. "That was my first kiss... I was saving it for Elly..." She began to cry harder now, tears falling down her cheeks as she realized that she had been kissed by a drunken, nigh-omnipotent youkai with vodka breath instead of her true love.
Behind her was Elly, yelling and screaming, her arms flailing so much it was a wonder her frothy prehistoric wine bottle hadn't slipped from her grasp and become a dangerous projectile. Oh dear-- there went Reisen's uniform jacket.
"Keep moving on," the voice in her head repeated, and Kurumi obeyed without question, much like a small girl who just had their favourite toy snapped in half in front of them by a playground bully-- and in a way, it was exactly like that.
Koishi looked backwards as Kurumi made her way down one of the great boughs of the Saigyou Ayakashi, down to the ground. Her eyes widened as she saw Yuyuko's narrow-eyed stare directed straight at her.
"She can see me," she breathed softly, realizing the extent of the deception as she did so.
And more importantly, she was faking being drunk--
-----
Koishi had made three judgments here. But two of them were wrong.
The first was that she had thought Yuyuko could see her. She could not. If Yuyuko had been concentrating, she would have seen that there was an extra spirit there next to Kurumi; if she had been paying any attention at all, she would have seen a shape forming beneath a cherry blossom coating. Overpoweredness aside, Yuyuko was still a human (albeit a dead one) and she was not immune to the effects of Koishi's virtual invisibility.
And the second was that she had assumed that Yuyuko was sober. This was proven wrong a few seconds later, as, with a howl of drunken laughter, Yuyuko pressed the big red button that she wasn't supposed to press under any circumstances.
The big red button, was, of course, on her bandanna. And Koishi was right to judge that Yuyuko's pressing of the Big Red Button was a Very Bad Thing.
By the way, the big red button was sometimes called the "Border of Life" button. And the reason for this was about to become all too clear.
-----
BGM: ZUN - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 192 kbps
"Geez, I never stop being amazed at these subwoofers," Kurumi mused aloud as she waded through the cherry blossom sea, carrying Elly over her shoulders. "Our background music transitions aren't quite as good back in PC-98istan."
Elly groaned. "Kurumin, put me down... I think I'm going to vomit."
"You'd vomit whether or not I put you down, Elly--"
BGM: Oriens - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ～ Border of Life - 245 kbps
Kurumi paused. "My, this is a nice remix. Though I think their remix of The Gensokyo the Gods Loved is better... still, I'm jealous."
Behind her, Elly pounded her fists feebly on Kurumi's back, and was instead simply battered away by a flap of Kurumi's big vampire wings.
Next to her, a shape began to take form, outlined by a pink cherry blossom coating.
BGM: ^^flandre^^ - Blooming Breeze - 320 kbps
"... this is a western remix," Kurumi realized. "God DAMN I wish my theme was this popu
BGM: NKZ - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life (IaMP Remix) - 320 kbps
"Eh?" the vampire paused. "Isn't the bgm changing... kind of
BGM: Sensitive Heart - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染めの桜 ～Border of Life 「対峙、弾幕、そして散華」- 192 kbps
quickly?"
She looked around, wondering what the heck was going on. Suddenly, out of the very cherry blossoms, a hand--
BGM: Sonic Hispeed Omega - Border of Life ~ The Black Cherry Blossom - 128 kbps
"Kurumi!"
It was a short girl, with wavy shoulder-length white hair. Kurumi wondered how she had never seen her before, and how she knew her name.
"How do you
BGM: TAMusic - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 320 kbps
know my name?"
The girl shook her head. "I'll explain later, there's no time right now! First we've got to get out of Yuyuko's Border of Life Tower Defense!"
BGM: ZUN, NKZ, and Tasogare Frontier - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life (SWR Remix) - 320 kbps
"Isn't that the song that keeps playing remixes all over the Netherworld?" Kurumi asked as she continued to struggle her way through the cherry blossoms. For her part, the girl jumped up and began to walk on the surface; Kurumi wished that the swirling of the sakura petals would permit her to fly out, because then this would be much easier.
BGM: Alstroemeria Records - Border of Life - 320 kbps
"Yes, exactly," the girl replied. "It's Yuyuko's ultimate weap
BGM: UI-70 - Bloom Nobly, Cherry Blossoms of Sumizome ~ Border of Life - 192 kbps
on. The stress of getting your brain's thoughts constantly interrupted by the change of rem
BGM: MORRIGAN - 亡我郷、反魂蝶、その華開花すること能わず - 320 kbps
ixes is designed to make invaders to the Netherworld go mad."
BGM: Bitplane - CHERRY BLOSSOM GIRL - 235 kbps
"Oh," Kurumi grunted. "Marvelous."
BGM: Silver Forest - 蒼空に舞え、墨染の桜 - 243 kbps
"Not to mention it releases hordes of hungry fl
BGM: Punk Dirty Channel - rough(piano ver) - 315 kbps
esh eating spirits upon any invaders."
Kurumi blinked.
"Wait, what?"
BGM: TAMusic - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 - 320 kbps
"Also known as the Saigyou Ayakashi's cherry blossoms," Koishi said, pointing at the demonic centerpiece of the gardens of Hakugyokurou.
BGM: Cytokine - Outstanding Ingenious Never-Never Land - 320 kbps
Kurumi looked down to stare at the cherry blossoms that she was covered in.
The cherry blossoms stared back.
"Aw, shit," Kurumi groaned, and then she took off running.
-----
BGM: Alastroemeria Records - Eternal Rite (Switch Remix) - 180 kbps
"DOES THIS NEV
BGM: izmizm - Revivified Cherry Blossom - 270 kbps
ER END?!" Kurumi screamed right before crashing into a tree. "IT'S CHANG
BGM: OHBA - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ~ Border of Life - 145 kbps
ING FASTER THAN EV
BGM: MyonMyon - Shadow Shooter - 210 kbps
ER! I CAN'T THIN
BGM: Delights Music - Border of Life - 120 kbps
K STRAIGHT AT AL-- OOF!"
BGM: セブンスヘブン MAXION - 桜花輪転 - 320 kbps
"Come on, don't stop!" Koishi yelled, running back for Kurumi, who had run headfirst into a tree through the thick swirling of carnivorous cherry blossoms. She pulled Kurumi to her feet, brushing off the many cherry blossoms on her shirt that were beginning to eat through the fabric. All the while, the background music had changed at least seven times, and it was giving the poor vampire a headache.
BGM: Colorful Cube - 幽雅に咲かせ、墨染の桜 ~ Border of Life - 270 kbps
The vampire fell to her knees as a deep, subharmonic wave of bass passed through her body, its waves causing her blood to ripple in her veins.
BGM: Tribullets - Raving Cherry - 320 kbps
While the ground around the Saigyou Ayakashi got the subtlest of mega-bass waves, the rest of the gardens (equipped with a 1500 speaker surround sound system, Velodyne speakers and sixteen hundred additional subwoofers, just for the heck of it) was so filled with the sound of remixes of Border of Life that the soundwaves could be seen rippling through the air.
BGM: SOUND HOLIC - Swingin' Cherry Blossom - 325 kbps
"Goddamn this music!" Kurumi screamed up at the sky. "This is torture! Will this never end?!"
Around her, the cherry blossoms began to decrease in number, dwindling down.
And then--
BGM: ZUN - Bad Apple!! - 128 kbps
"... Eh?" Kurumi asked, taking her hands off of her ears. "That's not Border of Life... That's Bad Apple."
BGM: DBU Music - Hiroari Shoots a Strange Bird ~ Mysterious Dream (Touhou Battle Gaiden remix) - 192 kbps
"Heh," Koishi smirked. "Looks like Youmu took my suggestion of making the Border of Life Tower Defense into her iMyon's playlist."
BGM: SSH - 六十年目の東方裁判 ~ Fate of Sixty Years - 253 kbps
She turned to Kurumi, nodding firmly. "Come on, this is our chance to escape."
BGM: nazz-can - 少女さとり ～ 3rd eye - 252 kbps
"Yes!" Kurumi exclaimed, holding the now-fainted Elly firmly in her arms. She shook off the last remaining cherry blossoms and let them drop to the floor; it seemed that without the music, the cherry blossoms were no longer malicious-- or at least not carnivorous anymore.
BGM: SOUND HOLIC - Shining Of The Moon - 128 kbps
"Do you need a ride?" Kurumi asked, holding out her hand to Koishi.
BGM: Alstroemeria Records - Strawberry Crisis!! - 255 kbps
Koishi paused for a moment, and then took it. Kurumi swung her upwards and onto her back, marveling at how small she was, then leapt into the air and began to fly out of the great gardens of Hakugyokurou, making for the endless stairs down to the gates of the Netherworld, and then...
BGM: ZUN - Break the Sabbath - 255 kbps
"This Youmu has good taste," Kurumi mused as she began her flight down the endless stairs, out of the reach of Hakugyokurou's overly powerful sound system.
-----
Somewhere, sometime later, Yuyuko would be punishing Youmu for this.
Koishi would be watching.
And she would be enjoying it.
-----
Epilogue
Robots are cool. No, wait, they?re beyond cool. They?re awesome. So awesome that everybody should like them. At least, that?s how Reimu felt. And now she was going to prove it.
"Gentleyoukai," she said, "BEHOLD!" And with that, she pulled the white curtain off of her new masterpiece.
"Is tha--" Kurumi stammered.
"It is," a now-sober Elly breathed.
"AWESOME, REIMU! AWESOME!" Nitori cheered.
"My word," Youmu declared.
"URAMESHIYA!" Kogasa screamed.
"Ehehe~" Yuka giggled.
It was an amalgamation of the formerly-torn apart robot maid Ruukoto, fused with pieces from a robot Reimu had come across earlier.
"I shall call it... Mecharuupokoto." Reimu nodded, satisfied. "Yes. That sounds right."
The Merupo x Ruukoto abomination smiled a deranged smile.
Kurumi swallowed.
Somewhere, Border of Life was playing.
END.
Special thanks to Ones for the idea for the epilogue.
-
ilu
-
ahahahaha what
-
This is a special segment of Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures: A MoTK serial hopefully to be updated daily
if I can keep Ruro doing this
, a tale of love in the most unexpected place. And now...
THE EPIC ROMANCE OF YUKARI AND MEDICINE:
Yukari gota loast nad in the suazuaran frields and ianstasd of trsying to fiand her way touat she awas wanderings around for lualz.
Thena ashe foind Marcinde and thousaght she waould make a gooad athiskigami. Medincene glareasd at her adna pullusde yp her arms, releasign millionds of deadly asuzuran sporeas into the airas. Yukaris god potisoned. Btua she did dnowt die. Suzuran posin was not letahl; it causead paralaysis at most.
"awhy dida syou dointhing to dme" Yukaris deamanded.
"Becayse I lvoe youa" Medainse replaide.
TO BE CONTINUED
-
THE EPIC ROMANCE OF YUKARI AND MEDICINE
Oh, ya bastard, ye actually posted it.
Ah'm goin' to cut you 'till you die.
-
For some reason, I'm suddenly thinking this is gonna end with Yukari demanding that she has to kill the demons just to be told 'No Yuakri. YUO are tehe demons.' Andthen Yukair was a aleins.
-
For some reason, I'm suddenly thinking this is gonna end with Yukari demanding that she has to kill the demons just to be told 'No Yuakri. YUO are tehe demons.' Andthen Yukair was a aleins.
That is a wonderful idea!
THE EPIC ROMANCE OF YUKARI AND MEDICINE is the most recent example of the fucked-up things I think of when I'm falling asleep. I have narcolepsy, y'see, so when I start falling asleep all sorts o' cuhraaaaazy shit happens. Hence the spellcheck nightmare an' the lack of anything resemblin' a plot.
Speakin' of, I wrote a bit more of that story before my eyes started spinning in their sockets independently of one another. Apparently, I also gave it the lovely name of narco.txt (can't use Word or OpenOffice; automatic spellcheck makes my words comprehensible.)
"ahe?" Yuakrin askeda. "Btuat you bareasly now me," ashe preoastested. "hawo can you lveo me?"
"because when tia comes to aomcance, loe v is blaind!" Medicne declaread, hurgging Yukari athgough the poison. "Anda snow, wae ccan speand ou r livesa together, lijske htis in the clfowr feield."
"Buta dai want ato go back tto whera I live," the gaap houkai coundeatrad. "I havva family theres, and I aghave to rpotest tehem. I cansat' just leavea."
"Chaen ifas a fang," aMredi replaised. "nto onea liceaks her."
"bat Ran," yuaktir continaseued.
"ran witll be finse on her owan," medai contered. "jusat stay neher, yarkiari, and lveo only me."
"okaya," yauskiri said happunly and ksiied meedi on the slips.
Donut has also sent me a wonderfully cliche'd idea for a continuation, so y'all can probably expect that later.
-
This is excellent. I love how terrible it is.
SO BAD ITS GOOD (http://"http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Ptitlethsq3mffp09i")
-
Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures
Story 3: Lotus LAN Story
Illustration by Slowpoke.
(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/3543/lotuslanstory.th.png) (http://img171.imageshack.us/i/lotuslanstory.png/)
[14:08] * START
[14:08] <Youkai_Moe> kill count
[14:08] > You have killed:
[14:08] > 15,238,954 cute little nameless fairies
[14:08] > 358234 x 103 tengu
[14:08] > Konohana-Sakuya
[14:09] > 17 Suikas
[14:09] > Chen
[14:09] > 167,354 innocent, law-abiding humans
[14:09] > Nue Houjuu
[14:09] > 523 rabbits
[14:09] > Every Kappa in existence
[14:09] > JFK
[14:09] > Kaguya Houraisan (4,205x)
[14:09] > Fujiwara no Mokou (4,205x)
[14:09] > UsuallyDead (4,205x)
[14:09] > Parsee?s Clone
[14:09] > VIVIT Mk. I - XXXIX
[14:09] > Mystia's Food Stand
[14:09] > Love
[14:09] > Exit Mouse
[14:09] > Orange
[14:09] > A Wooden Cart with a License Plate that reads HIGAN
[14:09] > A number of trees
[14:09] > Several Katamaris
[14:09] > A large quantity of Fluffy Wamblers
[14:09] > A number of trees
[14:09] > Several Katamaris
[14:09] > A large quantity of Fluffy Wamblers
[14:09] > An equally large quantity of kobolds
[14:09] > Tenshi Hinanai (5,473,434x)
[14:09] > A Giygas Made of Bees
[14:09] > The Naughty Sorceress
[14:09] > 1,858 zombie fairies
[14:09] > Sasha Sashiromiya
[14:09] > Ebolanon from HY's ADP
[14:09] > HY
[14:09] > Roa
[14:10] > Gojira
[14:10] > Everyone involved in Touhou Project Side Story
[14:10] > Byron Hall
[14:10] > That idiot kid from RiG that keeps following you
[14:10] > Kriegsaffe no. 9
[14:10] > Shub-Niggurath
[14:10] > Vaisravana
[14:10] > Laplace?s Demon
[14:10] > Those fucking pinwheel things from MS stage 4
[14:10] > Squirrel Girl
[14:10] > Oda Nobunaga
[14:10] > 24,967 succubi
[14:10] > 75,471 incubi
[14:10] > Hello Kitty
[14:10] > Kinzo Ushiromiya
[14:10] <Youkai_Moe> stop list
[14:10] > Listing stopped.
[14:10] <Youkai_Moe> look
[14:10] > You are standing in front of a jail cell.
[14:10] > There is someone trapped inside.
[14:10] > A Fairy guard is here.
[14:10] <Youkai_Moe> look at guard
[14:10] > The Fairy guard is short and cute, her thin arms poking out of her simple blue dress.
[14:10] > The Fairy guard has only four fingers on her hands.
[14:10] > The Fairy Guard eyes you warily.
[14:10] <Youkai_Moe> look in cell
[14:10] > A young busty woman is in the cell, chained to the rear wall.
[14:11] > She looks at you with fear in her eyes.
[14:11] > The Fairy Guard steps in and prevents you from looking any further.
[14:11] <Youkai_Moe> kick
[14:11] > You kick the fairy guard!
[14:11] > The Fairy Guard is STUNNED!
[14:11] <Youkai_Moe> punch
[14:11] > Your fist bruises the Fairy Guard!
[14:12] > The Fairy Guard ATTACKS you!
[14:12] <Youkai_Moe> dodge
[14:12] > The Fairy Guard's attack misses!
[14:12] <Youkai_Moe> Master Spark
[14:12] > Your Master Spark EVISCERATES the Fairy Guard!
[14:12] > The Fairy Guard is DEAD!
[14:12] <Youkai_Moe> examine guard
[14:12] > The Fairy Guard's Corpse contains:
[14:12] > 1 power item [P]
[14:12] > keys
[14:12] > A Cellphone
[14:13] <Youkai_Moe> take keys
[14:13] > You take the keys from the corpse of the Fairy Guard.
[14:13] <Youkai_Moe> use keys
[14:13] > Where should I use them?
[14:13] <Youkai_Moe> use keys on cell
[14:13] > You open the jail cell.
[14:13] <Youkai_Moe> enter cell
[14:13] > You enter the jail cell.
[14:13] > "Help me", says the busty woman chained to the rear wall of the cell.
[14:13] > "I'm so hungry," the busty woman exclaims.
[14:14] <Youkai_Moe> look at woman
[14:14] > The busty woman is chained to the real wall of the jail cell.
[14:14] > The busty woman has a slightly unhealthy appearance to her.
[14:14] > The busty woman seems to be very very hungry.
[14:15] <Youkai_Moe> talk to woman
[14:15] > "I'm so glad you found me!" the busty woman says.
[14:15] > "I've been chained up here for the last few months!" the busty woman says.
[14:15] > "That damned judge only lets me out every few days to do IN runs!" the busty woman says.
[14:15] > "Then she locks me in here and gives me nothing to eat!" the busty woman says.
[14:15] > "Except for the natto!" the busty woman says.
[14:16] > "The sticky natto!" the busty woman says.
[14:16] > "That's why when she lets me out all I talk about is food!" the busty woman says.
[14:16] <Youkai_Moe> examine woman
[14:16] > The busty woman is chained to the real wall of the jail cell.
[14:16] > The busty woman has a slightly unhealthy appearance to her.
[14:16] > The busty woman seems to be very very hungry.
[14:16] > The busty woman is Yuyuko Saigyouji.
[14:16] > "It's all a front! That's why they won't let me talk to people outside Hakugyokurou!" the busty woman cries.
[14:16] > "Help me!" the busty woman cries.
[14:17] <Youkai_Moe> free woman
[14:17] > I don't understand "free woman"
[14:17] <Youkai_Moe> release woman
[14:17] > I don't understand "release woman"
[14:17] > You sense Shikieiki Yamaxanadu approaching!
[14:17] > "Help me!" the busty woman cries.
[14:17] <Youkai_Moe> put her out of her misery
[14:17] > You don't have a "out of her misery" to put her in!
[14:17] <Youkai_Moe> Master Spark
[14:18] > your Master Spark DECIMATES the busty woman!
[14:18] > the busty woman is DEAD!
[14:18] <Youkai_Moe> examine busty woman
[14:18] > the corpse of the busty woman is carrying:
[14:18] > 17 bowls of lucky charms
[14:18] > 50 packs of natto
[14:18] > 65 boxes of girl scout cookies
[14:18] > 30 Children's Meals of the Damned
[14:18] > 674 Cocoa Eggshell Fragments
[14:18] > 54 Dessicated Apricots
[14:18] > Some Glistening Fish Meat
[14:18] > Nue Houjuu?s Corpse, lightly salted
[14:18] > 64 Sea Lychee
[14:18] > 12 plates of Bat Haggis
[14:18] > A bunch of square grapes
[14:18] > 89 Jumbo Dr. Lucifers
[14:18] > Several Katamaris
[14:18] > A large quantity of Fluffy Wamblers
[14:18] > A number of trees
[14:19] > 560 twinkies
[14:19] > 657 Trollhouse Cookies
[14:19] > 7,987 Spooky Mushrooms
[14:19] > 71 Fishy Fish
[14:19] > 897 Catgut Tacos
[14:19] > 6 cans of soda
[14:19] > 14 Centipede Eggs
[14:19] > Konohana-Sakuya?s corpse, grilled
[14:19] > 51 Ancient Unspeakable Fruitcakes
[14:19] > 78,146,714 Disc-Shaped Nutritional Units
[14:19] > 125 Retenez L'Herbe Pat?
[14:19] > 41 Sandwiches of the Gods
[14:19] > 94 Asparagus Lo Mein
[14:19] > 50 packs of mini donuts
[14:19] > 78 packs of cream puffs
[14:19] > 1100 cream puffs
[14:19] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is almost here!
[14:19] > 90 dingdongs
[14:19] <Youkai_Moe> stop list
[14:19] > Listing stopped.
[14:19] <Youkai_Moe> take all natto
[14:19] > You take 50 boxes of natto from the corpse of the busty woman.
[14:19] <Youkai_Moe> take all soda
[14:19] > You take 6 cans of soda from the corpse of the busty woman.
[14:19] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is here!
[14:19] <Youkai_Moe> drop all natto
[14:20] > You drop 50 boxes of natto.
[14:20] > What a mess!
[14:20] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is ANGRY!
[14:20] <Youkai_Moe> open all soda
[14:20] > You open 6 cans of soda.
[14:20] <Youkai_Moe> spill all soda
[14:20] > You spill all 6 cans of soda.
[14:20] > What a sticky mess!
[14:20] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[14:20] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUCK!
[14:20] <Youkai_Moe> laugh
[14:20] > You laugh in your opponent?s face.
[14:20] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUNNED!
[14:20] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUCK!
[14:21] <Youkai_Moe> exit
[14:21] > You move towards the exit of the jail cell.
[14:21] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu INSULTS you!
[14:21] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUCK!
[14:21] > You are STUCK!
[14:21] <Youkai_Moe> ...
[14:21] > I don't understand "..."!
[14:21] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUCK!
[14:21] > You are STUCK!
[14:21] > YUYUKO'S GHOST is here.
[14:21] > YUYUKO'S GHOST laughs at you!
[14:21] > YUYUKO'S GHOST has left.
[14:22] <Youkai_Moe> :<
*** Disconnected
?Oh, tough luck, Yuka,? Mima laughed as Yuka pulled off her earphones. ?Maybe next time, you'll beat that green-haired Xanadu girl.?
?I just have to remember next time to go Super Saiyajin on her ass BEFORE moving out of the jail,? Yuka sighed deeply as she tried to disentangle her green hair. ?Then I can take her Yamahat and get a sweet attack bonus at that.?
?You kids are so old-school,? a third voice cut in.
?You're one to talk,? Yuka grinned. ?What are you playing, anyway??
?Actress Again. Again.?
?I've been meaning to ask you this; how the hell did you manage to get a copy of THAT this side of the Boundary, Yumemi??
?I mugged Yukari,? the scientist said smugly.
?Japanese PS2s are very small,? Mima observed as she and Yuka came over from Yuka's desk and sat down on either side of Yumemi to watch her play.
?They really are,? Yumemi agreed. ?Hey, have you ever seen a transcription of a C-Arc combo in MBAA??
?No.?
?It's sensual.?
?Is it??
?See, watch this.?
Mima watched as Yumemi pulled off a chain of combos as Crescent Arcueid against a screaming Tohno Shiki.
?5B 2B 2C 5C 5A 5B 2B 2C 632147B 5B 2B 2C 5C 5A 5B 2B 2C 4C ad.B 63214A j.BC dj.BC airthrow,? Yumemi said. ?632147B meaning do the air version as low to the ground as possible, of course.?
?Man, why you gotta speak in all that weird fighting game jargon,? Yuka complained.
?Because saying 'down+b, down+C, C' is REALLY BORING.?
Suddenly, the music changed, making the three women look up at the screen with renewed interest.
?Yay, Dust of Osiris,? Mima laughed.
?HI, DUST OF OSIRIS!? Yuka yelled.
?Fuck you, Osiris,? Yumemi scowled.
-----
?Are they still playing Actress Again??
?Yes.?
?It's been two days already, geez. When are Mima and Yumemi gonna go home??
?I don't know.?
?Because my poor ears can't take this much longer.?
Downstairs, Mugenkan's fairy maids, whipped into a mad frenzy by their erstwhile ?goddesses? Marisa and Chiyuri, were rioting, breaking chandeliers, spraying graffiti on the walls, and danmaku-ing each other into point items. Glass flew as two particularly hyper fairy maids sang a very bad vocal version of Third Eye and broke all the windows in the lobby. The glass shards impaled a few of the smaller fairies, resulting in a scramble for power items.
?It's not that bad, Kurumi.?
Chiyuri and Marisa chose that moment to run in, screaming "WE HAVE POT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" The fairies swarmed the two blondes, and before long, a noticeable scent of burning paper and, uh, something else wafted up to the two girls on the landing.
Kurumi looked up at Elly, her eyebrow raised.
?... well, maybe it IS that bad.?
?What are our chances of getting Yuka out here to spark them all back into the kitchen before I kill myself from despair??
-----
?WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SUGOI SUGOI?!?
?There is no SUGOI SUGOI in Actress Again.?
?THIS GAME SUCKS.?
-----
Kurumi and Elly looked at each other, a widening grin on both of their faces.
?Oh, thank god they're coming out. I swear I'll kill myself if this chaos lasts for much lon--?
-----
?Wait, no. There is. It just sounds different.?
?HOORAY, CIEL!?
-----
?No, Kurumi, don't try to kill yourself! Life is still worth living! Damnit, Kurumi, can you hear me?! KURUMIIIIIIIIIII!?
-----
[15:05] * START
[15:05] <Kuruvamp> look
[15:05] > You are alone.
[15:05] > Darkness surrounds you.
[15:05] > There is a slickness around your feet.
[15:06] > It smells like blood.
[15:06] <Kuruvamp> inventory
[15:06] > You are carrying:
[15:06] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II
[15:06] > A pack of strawberry chewing gum.
[15:07] <Kuruvamp> is a time, chew gum
[15:07] > IOSYS' Border of Death starts playing.
[15:07] <Kuruvamp> move w
[15:07] > You move west.
[15:07] > Someone is here.
[15:08] <Kuruvamp> look
[15:08] > The mists swirl about you.
[15:08] > A silhouette appears in the mist.
[15:08] > It is Shikieiki Yamaxanadu!
[15:08] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:08] <Kuruvamp> duck
[15:09] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's attack MISSES!!
[15:09] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[15:09] > You shoot at the ground with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[15:09] > the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II MISSES!!
[15:10] <Kuruvamp> fuck
[15:10] > not tonight I have a headache
[15:10] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:10] > The YamaStick does 600HP Damage!!
[15:10] <Kuruvamp> use needle like the maid in Battle Moon Wars
[15:11] > You recover 200HP
[15:11] > You gain + 20 Magic and +35 Evasion
[15:11] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[15:12] > You shoot at the ground with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[15:12] > the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II MISSES!!
[15:12] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is ANGRY!!
[15:12] <Kuruvamp> run
[15:12] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu blocks your escape!
[15:12] <Kuruvamp> insult
[15:13] > You call Shikieiki Yamaxanadu the spawn of a cuttlefish!
[15:13] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is ANGRY!!
[15:13] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[15:13] > You shoot at the ground with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[15:13] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu dodges!
[15:14] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[15:14] > You shoot at the ground with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[15:14] > the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II MISSES!!
[15:14] <Kuruvamp> ...
[15:14] > I don't understand "..."!
[15:14] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:14] > The YamaStick does 200HP Damage!
[15:15] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel, and shoot straight this time
[15:15] > You shoot at Shikieiki Yamaxanadu with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[15:15] > Your attack does 2500 HP Damage!
[15:15] > Your meter drops by one third!
[15:15] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is VERY ANGRY!!
[15:15] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:15] > Judgment - Guilty or Not Guilty does 16000HP Damage!!
[15:15] > It?s a CRITICAL HIT!
[15:15] <Kuruvamp> JESUS CHRIST
[15:15] > You summon Byakuren Hiziri!
[15:15] <Kuruvamp> ...
[15:15] > I don't understand "..."!
[15:15] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:15] > Judgment - Guilty or Not Guilty bounces off Byakuren's shield!
[15:16] <Kuruvamp> list Byakuren Hiziri attacks
[15:16] > Attack list for summon Byakuren Hiziri:
[15:16] > Bomb Autoshield (Defensive) - 0 HP Damage
[15:16] > Devil?s Recitation - 4500 HP Damage
[15:16] > Flying Fantastica - 7000 HP Damage
[15:16] > Sacrifice herself for the sins of the world - 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 HP Damage
[15:16] <Kuruvamp> Flying Fantastica
[15:16] > Byakuren Hiziri uses Flying Fantastica!
[15:16] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is STUNNED!
[15:16] > Byakuren's attack does 7000 HP Damage!
[15:16] <Kuruvamp> Flying Fantastica
[15:16] > Byakuren Hiziri uses Flying Fantastica!
[15:16] > Byakuren's attack does 7000 HP Damage!
[15:17] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu ATTACKS!
[15:17] > Judgment - Guilty or Not Guilty bounces off Byakuren's shield!
[15:17] <Kuruvamp> Flying Fantastica
[15:17] > Byakuren Hiziri uses Flying Fantastica!
[15:17] > Byakuren's attack does 7000 HP Damage!
[15:17] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu has been defeated!
[15:17] > You gain 30,000 yen!
[15:17] > You gain 5465 EXP!
[15:17] <Kuruvamp> ^_^v
*** Disconnected
-----
-
?No, but seriously. When did Higan turn into a Multi User Dungeon?? Kurumi asked.
?Hell if I know,? Komachi replied, shrugging. ?Alls I know is, some kappa engineer died and to do penance he gave Shikieiki internet access. Now she's an addict.?
?I'M NOT AN ADDICT!? Shikieiki screamed as she dragged herself into her courtroom, several yellow Ethernet and PS2 cables sticking out of her arms.
?Wh-- what the hell?!? Kurumi exclaimed.
?Shiki kept overheating her laptops while she was playing Melty Blood ReAct Final Tuned in the courtroom,? the Shinigami explained. ?So she just had her Ethernet connection installed into her veins, and a mainframe installed in her room. Then she made me use manipulation of distance to make the length of the cables infinite. So she's perpetually playing in her head.? She sighed deeply. ?Now she's always on 2chan destroying people at netplay.?
?2AA 5C 4C 2C 623B 5B 2C 2A whiff 4C 623B 5B 2C 2A whiff 4C 623B!? the judge screamed accordingly.
Kurumi blinked.
?Wait, whiff? What??
?I'm playing as C-V.Akiha,? the judge explained.
?Well, sure, but why would you want to whiff??
?Okay, so the way it works,? Shikieiki began, ?You want the 2A to miss, because 2C won't be cancellable on quite the right frames for 5B 2C 4C to work. But 2C 2A whiff adds a little bit of delay, which gets the height right.?
?Oh, okay,? Kurumi nodded.
?TAKE THAT, DUST OF OSIRIS!?
?--wait,? she said, realizing what had just happened. ?Shikieiki-sama, you play Melty Blood Actress Again?!?
?Right now, yeah,? Shikieiki replied. ?I bummed it off some chimera youkai or some shit that died earlier.?
?GIVE ME BACK MY NASU!? a sobbing voice came from beneath the floorboards of the courtroom.
Shikieiki slammed down hard on the moving floorboard. ?Shut up, you. This is what you get for trying to take my reputation for having the finest legs in Gensokyo.?
But Kurumi didn't notice any of this. Her mind was racing nowhere at top speed, and then--
An idea.
?... Shikieiki-sama, will you please come with me??
?You're dead,? the judge replied. ?You killed yourself. You're not going anywhere until you go on trial for it.?
?But I beat you fair and square,? Kurumi countered. ?I beat death.?
?You did it because Youkai Jesus saved you,? Shikieiki frowned.
?Thank you for that, by the way,? Kurumi said, turning to a smiling mini-Byakuren on her right shoulder.
?But I suppose that's an indicator of the purity of your soul more than anything else. Or some shit like that.? She looked up, but she wasn't looking at Kurumi. ?Oh cool, Neco Arc now has a move where she pulls out a cell phone and then a Neco Arc dressed in Arcueid's princess outfit appears and explodes things.? She laughed. ?This is fantastic. Now if only AA had netplay, then this would actually be interesting.?
?Wait, there's no netplay for AA?? Kurumi asked, an idea forming once more in her mind.
?Considering it's a PS2 game, no.? Shikieiki grinned. ?I wish there was. I'd love to fight someone's Archetype Earth.?
?So, you haven't been able to find someone to play with??
?The only actual people I've been able to play against are Komachi there and Nue-- I mean, legbitch,? she said, slamming down on the floorboards again. A whimpering sound came up from beneath.
?Neither of whom are particularly good,? Shikieiki continued, frowning.
Kurumi stroked her chin thoughtfully.
?... what if I told you I could find someone for you to fight??
Shikieiki was so surprised by this idea that she raised her left eyebrow one nanometer. ?Oh? Really??
?Yep. And she's been playing for at least the past two days straight ever since she got her copy, with no rest. She's already quite good. Bound to give you a challenge.?
?...?
?Also, strawberries.?
?Let's go.?
-----
?Kurumi! You?re back!? Elly exclaimed, throwing her arms around the short vampire girl as she arrived in Mugenkan, seemingly undead and well. ?I was so worried about you!?
?Were you?? Kurumi asked, looking adorably perplexed. ?I thought you wouldn't have cared either way.?
?Oh, silly, don't be like that!? Elly said, hugging her tightly. ?I missed you so much!?
The vampire girl smiled. ?Really??
?Really,? Elly reassured her.
Kurumi snuggled into Elly's arms, returning the hug.
Just then, a huge scythe cleaved through the wall next to them and cut a doorway into the wall. Shikieiki, now without a single Ethernet cable stuck into any major artery (?Wireless router,? she said earlier) walked in, followed by her thoroughly abused shinigami Komachi.
?Hey, why'd you cut through the wall for?!? Elly demanded, releasing Kurumi.
?You wouldn't get out of the doorway,? the judge explained, and looked around at the rioting fairy maids. The entire scene was like something straight out of Animal Farm; Marisa had deposed Chiyuri and was now ruling over the fairies with an iron fist, saying ?all fairies are equal, all of them die when I hit them with Master Spark?. Fairies were eating and roasting small animals over makeshift grills, while other fairies waged turf war against their rival gangs.
?Oh dear,? Elly fidgeted. ?You brought a defender of law and order to an anarchists' party!?
?Oh no,? Kurumi realized.
Shikieiki looked around, turning her head from side to side with painful slowness. Then she cleared her throat. Immediately the room fell silent as the screaming, rioting fairies stopped what they were doing, realizing who had just walked in. One fairy fell from a chandelier, but that was all that was heard.
Kurumi swore she could hear her heart beating. Even though she was a vampire.
?What's she gonna do?? Elly whispered.
?I don't know,? Kurumi admitted. ?Is the going to... judge them??
Shikieiki slowly raised her YamaStick, and the mass of fairies instinctively moved back, obviously fearing direct judgment from the Yama herself.
Their glorious proletariat leader Marisa was the only one who came forward, an arrogant smile on her lips. She pointed directly at Shikieiki.
?The revolution has come! The flames of the proletariat now burn with righteous fury! Soon, the old system will cease to be! The vile, corrupt bourgeoisie will fall from their ivory towers, their positions of power! Replacing it will be a new world order, one of peace, prosperity, and equal treatment for all fairykind! Oh yes, the revolution has arrived!
?I will not presume that you wish to join our glorious revolution! Those with power wish to keep it. Those who enjoy exploiting the working class will continue to do so. Therefore, my question is this: Where will you stand now? You, with the position of power, the so-called "judge"... will you fight against us or will you stand aside?!?
?I'll give you fairies 150 yen each if you clean this mess up,? Shikieiki told the crowd, completely ignoring their great leader.
?OKAY!? the fairies cheered as they got to work cleaning, repairing, sweeping, sewing, replacing, the works.
Marisa watched helplessly as her glorious proletarian revolution fell apart around her.
?That's cheating!? she whined as the Judge came up to her and bonked her lightly on the head with her YamaStick.
?No,? Shikieiki assured her. ?That?s capitalism at its finest.?
-----
?Anyway, we should probably, like, go outside,? Yuka suggested as Yumemi Last Arc'd Mima into submission.
?Aww, but why?!? the strawberry scientist objected. ?We've been in here for two straight days already, and I could totally go for two more.?
?I want to check on my flowers,? Yuka said.
?... ohh, good point,? Yumemi agreed. ?I should probably check on that strawberry patch I planted earlier.?
?And I need to make sure I get another bouquet of Forget-me-Nots to ZUN before he forgets me,? Mima added.
Yuka and Yumemi looked at her silently.
?... uh, Mima,? Yuka began.
?I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALALALALALALA,? Mima screamed as she put her hands on her ears and ran out of the game room.
?I guess some people never really get over being dumped,? Yumemi sighed. She got up and dusted herself off, then stood next to Yuka. ?Shall we??
?Sure,? Yuka said, and opened the door for Yumemi to walk through. They were on the second floor, and the two women went down the hallway to the top of a staircase and landing, which led to the lobby of the great Mugenkan manor. The lobby being where the fairy maids had been rioting from lack of work for the past two days or so.
Yumemi made it onto the landing first, and looked down to see Shikieiki giving orders to the fairies. Yuka made it out right behind her and was already halfway down the stairs when she realized Yumemi hadn't moved.
?Uh, Yumemi?? Yuka asked. ?What're you waiting for??
?Oh my,? Yumemi breathed, putting a hand over her heart. ?Who is THAT??
Yuka looked where Yumemi's gaze was. ?Oh, that's just Shiki. She's part of my Chireiden Dungeon Crawl team every Friday night and she comes over every now and then to play Nuremberg Genocide Trials. C'mon, let's go.?
?Shiki?? the strawberry professor said softly. ?Shiki??
?Short for Shikieiki Yamaxanadu. Now come on--?
?Such a strong, aggressive name,? Yumemi continued, oblivious. ?For such a strong, aggressive woman.? She shivered and licked one of her fingers. ?I LOVE strong, aggressive women.?
Yuka blinked.
?Uh, what??
?Oh my god, look at her green hair waving in the breeze. It's so... so... GREEN.?
Yuka looked at her own green hair, frowned, and looked back at Yumemi. There was a faint blush on the professor's cheeks.
?Uh, it's just Shiki, you know,? the youkai said. ?You know, the workaholic Judge of Paradise??
?Oh, is that all you see her as?!? the professor shot back. ?Just look at her... those gorgeous emerald eyes... her hair, falling lightly over her shoulders like a waterfall--?
?A lopsided waterfall,? Yuka interrupted. Yumemi ignored her.
?Her take-charge attitude...?
?You mean, her willingness to exploit the greed of fairies to get maximum labor for minimal wage??
?Oh god, oppression through fair market practice is SUCH a turn-on!?
Yuka looked at her, a disgusted look on her face. Yumemi ignored her.
?Those smooth legs... oh, those legs... the air around her is glowing... it's almost as if she were... divine... like a goddess,? she breathed again.
As she watched, Shikieiki spun around to whack Chiyuri on the head with her Yamastick. The scene went faux watercolor, and higanbana petals wafted in, carried aloft by a slight breeze. Her silken, dark emerald hair cascaded around her shoulders, and her soft, smooth legs were highlighted by the light of a radiant sunbeam. Somewhere, a chorus went "Woo-woo-woo-WOO-woo."
Shikieiki's green eyes met Yumemi's gaze, and Yumemi blushed furiously, turning as red as the strawberries she loved to eat.
She turned away, eyes wide, hands covering her mouth. ?Oh my god! She just looked at me!? she squealed. ?I just know that she'll come up here and sweep me off my feet, kiss my hand and ask me out to dinner!?
Yuka facepalmed.
?Uh, I know you're in ga-ga-land right now, but what makes you think Shiki likes YOU??
-----
?Oh my god,? Shikieiki murmured. ?Chiyuri, who is that sexy, sexy woman on the landing??
?Uh. Interesting description... that's Yuka Kazami, the mistress of the mansion,? the sailor girl replied.
?No, no,? Shikeiki shook her head. ?The other one. The beautiful redheaded one.?
Chiyuri raised an eyebrow. ?That's just my boss, Yumemi Okazaki,? she answered.
?... isn't that the person you brought me over to challenge, Kurumi?? Shikieiki asked Kurumi as she and Elly walked by, dressed in overalls and helping out with repairs.
?Who, Yumemi?? Kurumi asked. ?Yeah, that's her.?
?Oh my word,? Shikieiki gasped, putting her hand over her heart. ?This was meant to be!?
?Eh?? the vampire asked.
?Can't you see?! She's my soul mate!? the Judge of Paradise declared.
?EHHHH?!? Kurumi, Elly, Chiyuri, and a suddenly panic-stricken Komachi exclaimed.
Shikieiki put a hand on her cheek, giggling like a high school girl with a raging crush as she looked up at Yumemi. ?Just look at her... that silken red hair... those perfect cheeks... those soft red lips...?
?... I can't believe this is happening,? Kurumi moaned, slowly facepalming.
?... that unblemished neck...? Shikieiki went on.
?I can't either,? Komachi said between sobs.
?... those perfectly shaped breasts...?
?Oh god she's complimenting her bust,? Elly groaned.
?... that perfectly shaped behind, perfect to grab onto and just squee--?
?AHHHHHHHHH!? Chiyuri screamed, obviously unable to hear her boss described in such terms. She took hold of Shikieiki's shoulders and shook her violently, screaming, ?NO! THIS IS THE MOST NONSENSICAL PAIRING EVER! SHE'S A PROFESSOR! YOU ARE A YAMA! SHE'S PC-98! YOU ARE WINDOWS ERA!?
?SO?!? Shikieiki demanded.
?She's... a REPUBLICAN!? Chiyuri lied.
?... THAT CAN BE CURED!? Shikieiki shot back, desperate.
?NO, SHIKIEIKI, NO!? the sailor girl begged. ?YOU ARE A HIGH AND NOBLE JUDGE OF PARADISE! YOU ARE DEVOTED TO YOUR JOB! YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH YUMEMI OKAZAKI!?
?BAH! WHEN IT COMES TO LOGIC, LOVE IS BLIND!? Shikieiki roared back.
?Actually, I think it's just lacking in basic math skills,? Kurumi corrected.
?HEY! MY LEARNING DISABILITY'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!? Komachi cried.
?I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!? Kurumi shouted back.
?NOBODY IS TALKING TO ME! NOBODY LOVES ME!? the shinigami wailed.
But Shikieiki paid them no heed. For she was tearing herself free of Chiyuri's grip and heading towards the stairs, up to Yumemi. ?OUT OF MY WAY, CHIYURI! I WILL MAKE THAT STRAWBERRY GODDESS MINE!?
-----
Yuka facepalmed again as Yumemi went weak at the knees and collapsed onto the ground, screaming, ?TAKE ME, SHIKIEIKI-SAMA!?
?Oh god, this cannot be happening.?
-----
?Oh god, it's happening,? Kurumi facefaulted as Shikieiki strode over to the staircase, higanbana petals wafting all around her.
?Yumemi Okazaki?? Shikieiki called out to the woman at the top of the stairs.
?Yes, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu?? Yumemi breathed.
?Pardon me,? the judge replied as she walked slowly up the stairs, the scene going faux watercolor around her again. ?But I heard that there was this lovely Melty Blood Actress Again player here.?
?You heard correctly,? Yumemi replied quietly, getting to her feet.
Shikieiki continued to climb upwards, her hand gripping the railing, her heart pounding. ?I, too, play Actress Again, and I was looking forward to fighting someone...?
?Oh, yes,? Yumemi said as she began to walk down the staircase to meet Shikieiki. ?I've also been looking for someone... to share this experience with... spend time with...?
?Who do you main?? Shikieiki asked, holding her breath.
?Ryougi Shiki,? the professor replied in a soft moan.
?That's funny,? the judge responded as she came ever closer. ?... I do too.?
?Be still, my hear-- OH!? Yumemi slipped and lose her balance.
She fell, her cape flaring out dramatically behind her. Shikieiki opened her arms wide to receive her, and caught her easily. The two stared into each other's eyes, no more than six inches apart.
?Hey... want to hear something sexy?? Shikieiki breathed.
?From your lips, anything,? Yumemi answered.
?... Go into arcade mode, and do Ryougi's j.236C,? the judge whispered. ?Her voice sample for that is SO hot.?
?Oh, I don't know,? the professor admitted, leaning in even more closely to her. ?I thought this Shiki has a much sexier voice.?
?Would you like to test it?? Shikieiki offered, bringing her face closer.
?I'd LOVE to,? Yumemi replied sensuously, closing the distance between them in an instant and parting her strawberry red lips--
?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!? Chiyuri and Komachi screamed simultaneously as they flew through the air and tackled their respective masters away from one another; Chiyuri upwards, Komachi downwards.
Kurumi and Elly looked at their own master, who was smiling and brushing off her hands.
?Yuka, you are SO awesome.?
The green-haired youkai flipped her hair over her shoulder. ?I try.?
?No, but seriously,? Elly interrupted the two. ?This can't be permitted to happen.?
?Why the hell not?? Yuka asked. ?I actually think it's kinda funny.?
?Because they're not-- oh, are you kidding me?! This is the weirdest couple ever!!? Elly begged.
Kurumi shrugged. ?I ship Aya x Reimu.?
?I ship Sanae x Reimu,? Yuka countered, glaring.
?Aya x Reimu is hotter.?
Yuka crossed her arms. ?Sanae x Reimu has armpit sex.?
?Aya x Reimu is sort of canon from SA.?
Yuka leaned down to Kurumi to emphasize her point. ?Armpit. Sex.?
?Uh, Yuka? Threesome. I'm not seeing a problem with this.?
?Your logic is irrefutable,? Yuka conceded.
?But you GUYS!? Elly pleaded. ?Can't you see?! At least your shippings make kind of sort of sense! At least your pairings don't pair up people on entirely different sides of the PC-98/Windows border!?
?Oh, look who's talking, Miss 'Konngara x Eirin is the sexiest couple ever',? her vampire friend teased, sticking her tongue out.
?IT IS TO ME!? Elly wailed. ?And anyway, that's not the point! Shikieiki is the Yama! She's supposed to be celibate! She has to be doing her job constantly! She can't be wasting her time running through meadows hand-in-hand with Yumemi!?
?So just let them get married or something,? Yuka shrugged. ?Then they could share the workload.?
Elly and Kurumi paused for a moment, considering Yuka's perfectly reasonable idea.
?... You know, that would be a good ide--?
?YOU PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT!!? Elly screamed. ?The fact of the matter is, there's no basis for a pairing like this one AT ALL, and that's WRONG!?
?They're both the final bosses of a dual-shooter game,? Kurumi offered.
?Oh, please,? Elly replied. ?You could use that argument to justify VIVIT x Reimu or something stupid like that.?
-----
Over at the Hakurei Shrine
?Wh-- what the hell is that, Reimu?! 'Device not recognized!!'?
?Ehehehe, VIVIT-chan... just hold still... this will feel good...?
?Ahhh... aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh~♡!?
-----
Elly, Kurumi, and Yuka all looked at each other, trying to ignore VIVIT's extremely loud impassioned moans.
?Yeah, um,? Yuka began, breaking the awkward silence. ?I think we should break Yumemi and Shikieiki up. If only for sanity's sake.?
Kurumi and Elly looked at their employer, who just looked back at them, passive.
?Your sanity, not mine,? she shrugged. ?Semantics.?
?Well, okay,? Elly said. ?Kurumi, let's break them apart.?
The vampire nodded. ?Agreed.?
?...?
?...?
The two girls stood there for a moment.
?... uh, what should we do to break them apart?? Kurumi asked.
?Hell if I know.? Elly shrugged.
?Ugh.? Yuka rolled her eyes. ?You two are useless.?
She uncrossed her arms and pointed to Shikieiki and Yumemi, who had finished abusing their subordinates and were now staring into one another's eyes. ?Why don't you start there? Attack them, break them up, put stress on their relationship, do whatever. Force some of the lower-level youkai to help or something. I'm gonna go find Mima, maybe she has some spellcard not named Twilight Spark that can deal with this.?
The vampire and the gate guard looked at one another and nodded.
?Sorry for dragging you into this,? Kurumi laughed, blushing.
Elly smiled at her. ?Oh, don't worry about it. This is going to be fun, I just know--?
"Oh, Shiki-chan, you're so incredible! Let's go have sex!" Yumemi proposed in a very loud voice.
Elly paused.
"Uh... what?" Shikieiki asked, blushing as Elly and Kurumi looked at them, eyes widening in horror.
"No, really. Right now. Forget playing Actress Again and Arc Drive Finishes. I wanna go have sex with you on a bed of strawberries."
?Okay!? Shikieiki agreed and the two ran out the door and left Mugenkan, skipping hand-in-hand into the Garden of the Sun.
?--it,? Elly finished, watching the star-crossed lovers run off.
?I hate my unlife,? Kurumi groaned as the two girls chased after them.
-----
-
[17:43] * START
[17:43] <Bad-Apple> roll the dice to see if I'm drunk
[17:43] * Elly rolls 1d20 [ 1 ]
[17:43] <Bad-Apple> :<
[17:43] > Kurumi giggles
[17:43] <Kuruvamp> cuddle
[17:43] > You cuddle with Elly!
[17:44] <Bad-Apple> D'aww. :3
[17:44] <Kuruvamp> inventory
[17:44] > You are carrying:
[17:44] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II
[17:44] > Byakuren Hiziri (travel-sized)
[17:45] <Bad-Apple> We should go hunt them down.
[17:45] > Kurumi agrees
[17:45] <Kuruvamp> track Yumemi and Shikieiki
[17:45] > There is a recently-beaten trail leading east through the Garden of the Sun.
[17:45] <Kuruvamp> follow trail
[17:45] > You move east.
[17:45] > Something is on the ground.
[17:46] <Kuruvamp> look
[17:46] > You search through the sunflower field.
[17:46] > You find Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's Hat!
[17:46] > You find Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's Shirt!
[17:46] <Bad-Apple> Oh dear.
[17:46] > You find Yumemi Okazaki's Cape!
[17:46] > You find Yumemi Okazaki's Panties!
[17:46] <Kuruvamp> o_o
[17:46] > You find Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's Panties!
[17:46] <Kuruvamp> o____________o
[17:46] > Elly inspects Yumemi Okazaki's Panties.
[17:47] > They are strawberry print.
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> WTF ELLY
[17:47] > Elly giggles.
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> Oh for heaven's sake let's just find them >_<
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> They can't be far
[17:47] <Bad-Apple> They can't have gotten far without these.
[17:47] <Bad-Apple> ... I hope.
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> track Yumemi and Shikieiki
[17:47] > You listen for any sounds.
[17:47] > You hear some noises over to the right.
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> follow noises
[17:47] <Bad-Apple> >________________>
[17:47] > You follow the noises to a small patch of wild strawberries surrounded by bushes,
[17:47] <Kuruvamp> hide in bushes
[17:48] > You hide in the bushes.
[17:48] > In the garden patch, Yumemi Okazaki and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu are lying together, side-by-side on the green grass.
[17:48] > They are talking quietly.
[17:48] <Kuruvamp> eavesdrop
[17:48] > You listen for any words.
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> Oh, Yumemi, your hand is so soft...
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> Yours is softer~
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> But I'm afraid...
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> What?
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> We... can never be together...
[17:48] > Elly looks at you hopefully. "Are they already breaking up?"
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> You're.... a... a....
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> A what?
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> ... a... Republican.
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> ...
[17:48] > Elly facepalms
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... No I'm not, I'm a monarchist.
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> ... oh my god, that's SUCH a turn-on. ♡
[17:48] <Kuruvamp> facepalm
[17:48] > You facepalm.
[17:48] > Yumemi Okazaki bites Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's right ear.
[17:48] <@The_Yamanator> Ah~ ♡
[17:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> Oh, that's not all I can do to make you feel good~
[17:48] > Elly vomits
* Disconnected
-----
?Okay,? Kurumi said as soon as she and Elly were in the clear, having made their way to a garden of french lilacs where they could talk in peace. ?What have we learned??
?That Shikieiki has teddy bear panties.?
?NOT LIKE THAT!? Kurumi cried as Elly laughed.
?Oh, but seriously,? Elly replied. ?They're so SAPPY. If they keep talking like that to one another I swear I'm going to throw up again.?
?They're hopelessly in love with one another,? Kurumi acknowledged, sighing. ?How are we supposed to break them up??
?I don't know,? her companion admitted. ?... well, we could always use Master Spark.?
?They're final bosses,? Kurumi argued. ?Shikieiki especially, she'd probably just wave it off.?
?Hmm.? Elly pondered. ?... say, Kurumi, I've got a question for you.?
?Yes??
?Have you seen that girl Orange lately??
?Who??
?You know, that girl with the long reddish orange hair and the baton...?
?I think I know who you're talking about.?
?... and those long, delicious legs.?
Kurumi sat up. ?Eh??
?... and that wonderful scent of hers... like citrus... and that soft moaning she always made whenever I--?
?GOD DAMN IT, ELLY!? Kurumi screamed.
But Elly was laughing. ?Exactly, Kurumin, exactly.?
The vampire looked at her. ?What on earth are you talking about now??
?The easiest way to break a relationship up.? Elly sat up, smirking. ?Make one of them jealous about the other's affections for someone else.?
?Ah,? Kurumi said, turning bright red, wondering if Elly knew the implications of that statement.
Elly tilted her head at her.
?... How are you out here in the hot sun anyway? You're a vampire.?
?Byakuren saves,? Kurumi replied. The mini Byakuren on her shoulder nodded happily.
?I see,? Elly said dimly, not getting it at all. ?Well, anyway. I don't suppose you have any ideas on how to make one of them jealous??
?... hmm.? Kurumi considered. ?We need someone for them to get jealous of--?
?Hey guys, what's going on?? Kogasa Tatara asked cheerfully as she waded through the sunflower fields and stood over Kurumi and Elly. ?Yuka sent me over here to help you, but did you have to hide? It took me forever to find yo--?
?GRAB HER!? Kurumi ordered, and Elly immediately seized Kogasa by the waist.
?EH?! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO--?
-----
[17:59] * START
[17:59] <Kuruvamp> look
[17:59] > You are on the edge of the strawberry garden.
[17:59] > Yumemi Okazaki and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu are in the garden.
[17:59] > Elly is on the other side.
[17:59] <Kuruvamp> inventory
[17:59] > You are carrying:
[18:00] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II
[18:00] > Byakuren Hiziri (travel-sized)
[18:00] > An eggplant umbrella
[18:00] > Kogasa Tatara
[18:00] <Karagasa> Oh god what are you crazy people doing @_@
[18:00] <Kuruvamp> Shut up, you
[18:00] > You hit Kogasa Tatara with her own umbrella.
[18:00] <Karagasa> ;_;
[18:00] <Kuruvamp> Well, we don't need you for anything terribly hard
[18:00] <Karagasa> What?
[18:00] <Kuruvamp> There's nothing Shikieiki gets more jealous of than someone having sexier legs than she does.
[18:00] <Karagasa> ?
[18:00] <Kuruvamp> inspect Kogasa's legs
[18:00] > Kogasa Tatara has long, smooth, unblemished legs.
[18:00] > They are extremely lickable.
[18:00] <Kuruvamp> Ehehehehe... perfect~
[18:01] <Karagasa> What are you going to do D:
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> pick her up
[18:01] > You pick up Kogasa Tatara.
[18:01] <Karagasa> !
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> throw her into the strawberry patch
[18:01] > You must roll 1d20
[18:01] > 1 meaning too weak, 10 meaning just right, 20 meaning too far
[18:01] * Kurumi rolls 1d20 [ 19 ]
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> D:
[18:01] > Kogasa Tatara goes flying over Shikieiki Yamaxanadu and Yumemi Okazaki.
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> D: D: D:
[18:01] > Kogasa Tatara lands right on top of Elly.
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> >:[
[18:01] <Bad-Apple> mmmrmrmmfmfm mememfmf get her ouf of meffhfh
[18:01] <@The_Yamanator> Wh- what?!
[18:01] <@The_Yamanator> What the hell was THAT?!
[18:01] <Kuruvamp> stay silent
[18:02] > You do not make a sound.
[18:02] > Elly does not make a sound.
[18:02] <@Darth-Okazaki> Hmm? What is it, my dear Shiki-chan?
[18:02] > Elly gags.
[18:02] <@The_Yamanator> I thought I just saw...
[18:02] <@The_Yamanator> Someone with nicer legs than mine...
[18:02] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu looks around.
[18:02] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is ANGRY!!
[18:02] <Kuruvamp> hide
[18:02] > You must roll 1d2 for fail/success
[18:02] * Kurumi rolls 1d2 [ 2 ]
[18:02] > You conceal yourself in the bushes.
[18:02] > You do not make a sound.
[18:02] <@The_Yamanator> Man... it might have been just my imagination...
[18:02] <@Darth-Okazaki> Ooh, someone with nicer legs than YOURS?!
[18:03] <@The_Yamanator> >:(
[18:03] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu is JEALOUS!!
[18:03] > Elly listens, hopeful.
[18:03] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... except that's impossible.
[18:03] <@The_Yamanator> ?!
[18:03] <@Darth-Okazaki> Because no one has nicer legs than my Shiki-chan~
[18:03] <@The_Yamanator> ? :D
[18:03] > Shikieiki Yamaxanadu kisses Yumemi Okazaki.
[18:03] > Yumemi Okazaki strokes Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's thighs.
[18:03] <@The_Yamanator> Ah~ That feels so good~♡
[18:03] > Elly vomits
[18:03] <Kuruvamp> fuck
[18:04] > welp,
[18:04] <Kuruvamp> >:/
* Disconnected
-----
?Okay,? Kurumi said after pulling twigs out of her hair. ?That was a wash.?
?Really,? Elly agreed. ?If at all possible, they're even MORE in love with each other now.?
?So.? The vampire sighed. ?What's our next plan of action??
?Hmm.? Elly stroked her chin. ?Give me a few moments on this one.?
?Please let me go now,? Kogasa said, sobbing.
?Shut up already, goddamn,? Kurumi complained, hitting the karakasa with her umbrella. Kogasa just cried some more.
?What makes people fall in love?? Elly asked abruptly.
?Uh... a lot of things, I guess.? Kurumi looked up at Elly. She found that she couldn't stare at anything other than those beautiful golden eyes... which were staring right back at her...
Oh god, does she know how I feel...?
?... things like... oh, I don't know... how kind the person is... how smart, cute they are... how nice their laugh is... how their face looks when they smile...?
?Is that all??
Elly just continued to stare at her, not changing expression. Kurumi could feel her face heat up with embarrassment.
oh god oh god oh god does she know has she figured it out
?... well, I guess those things would help... especially if these two people saw each other often... like every day...?
The blonde gate guard stroked her chin thoughtfully as she looked at Kurumi.
?... hmm.?
?-- and, uh, I guess that would help... make the bonds between them... grow stronger,? Kurumi continued, her face feeling as if it had caught on fire.
?... hmm.? Elly looked at Kurumi, her gaze not wavering even for a second.
oh god oh god oh god--
?What?!? the mini Byakuren asked, looking somewhat irritated. ?I'm right HERE, you know.?
?I wasn't talking to you!? Kurumi protested, blushing even more.
?Yes you were! In your head! You asked me if Elly has figured ou--?
?SHUT UP!? Kurumi begged, seizing the mini-Byakuren and slapping her hand over her mouth, so that nothing but muffled sounds came out. Byakuren struggled, but Kurumi wrestled her into submission by concealing her in her long black skirt.
But she probably didn't need to bother. Elly was staring into space. Kurumi looked up at her.
Finally, Elly came out of her trance-like state, smiling at Kurumi.
?Hmm... thinking about what you told me...?
?Yes?? Kurumi asked, still breathless. Byakuren squirmed beneath her hands, clasped together onto the ground on her skirt.
Elly snapped her fingers triumphantly. ?I've got it! Come on! We have to make a visit to an old friend!?
She stood up, brushing grass off of her long red dress. Kurumi followed suit, still holding her hands over Byakuren's mouth. ?Where are we going??
Elly turned around to look at Kurumi, a grin on her face.
?To the only person I know that can cut the bonds of love!?
-----
-
[18:34] *START
[18:34] > You are at the gates of Hakugyokurou.
[18:34] <Kuruvamp> ... Why am I getting this strange sense of deja vu
[18:34] <Bad-Apple> Hey, I haven't touched the bottle for months now. I'm clean.
[18:34] <Kuruvamp> No, it's not you
[18:34] > Byakuren Hiziri is angry!
[18:34] <Kuruvamp> release Byakuren Hiziri
[18:34] > You release Byakuren Hiziri from your grip.
[18:34] <Youchrist> >:|
[18:34] <Kuruvamp> apologize
[18:34] > You apologize to Byakuren Hiziri.
[18:34] <Kuruvamp> Sorry.
[18:35] <Youchrist> I forgive you of your sins, Kurumi.
[18:35] <Kuruvamp> =D
[18:35] <Youchrist> But hey, you were calling my name over and over again, and not saying what you wanted...
[18:35] <Kuruvamp> My bad. =[
[18:35] > Byakuren Hiziri sits on your shoulder again.
[18:35] <Youchrist> It's cool~
[18:35] <Bad-Apple> Huh? What are you two going on about?
[18:35] <Kuruvamp> No-- nothing!
[18:35] <Bad-Apple> If you say so.
[18:35] > Elly points up to the top of the gate.
[18:35] <Bad-Apple> Hahaha, this gate is so worthless. Not a single guard in sight. Let's just fly over.
[18:35] <Kuruvamp> fly up
[18:35] > You fly up to the top of the Gate of the Netherworld, Byakuren Hiziri on your shoulder.
[18:35] > Elly follows behind you.
[18:36] <Bad-Apple> ... red lace panties?
[18:36] <Kuruvamp> Eh?!
[18:36] <Bad-Apple> You know, I can see up your skirt from this angle... and I must say, I'm not impressed.
[18:36] > Elly snickers.
[18:36] <Kuruvamp> damage control
[18:36] > You turn bright red and cover the inside of your skirt from Elly!
[18:36] <Kuruvamp> insult
[18:36] > You call Elly a pervert!
[18:36] <Bad-Apple> Hey, not my fault your skirt flew open in my face. :/
[18:36] <Kuruvamp> But you shouldn't have looked! D: D: D:
[18:36] <Bad-Apple> What, am I supposed to resist when a nice pair of panties on a hot vampire girl's ass shows itself off to me?
[18:36] <Kuruvamp> ...
[18:37] <Kuruvamp> ..........................
[18:37] <Bad-Apple> ... I admit that came out wrong. >_>
[18:37] > Someone is here!
[18:37] <Kuruvamp> look
[18:37] > Someone approaches through the mist.
[18:37] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:37] > It is Mecharuupokoto!
[18:37] <Bad-Apple> what the hell kind of name is that
[18:37] <Kuruvamp> OH MY GOD I REMEMBER THIS
[18:37] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:37] > Mecharuupokoto attacks you, opening its robotic mouth wide to tear your head off!
[18:37] <Kuruvamp> oh goddamn get out of the way
[18:37] > You must roll 1d2 for fail/success
[18:37] * Kurumi rolls 1d2 [ 2 ]
[18:37] > You escape Mecharuupokoto's clutches!
[18:38] * Elly rolls 1d2 [ 1 ]
[18:38] > Elly is caught!
[18:38] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:38] <Kuruvamp> D=
[18:38] > Mecharuupokoto's metallic jaws close around Elly's neck!
[18:38] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:38] <Bad-Apple> aaaah oh god this hurts aah ;_;
[18:38] <Kuruvamp> ELLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
[18:38] <Kuruvamp> fight Mecharuuko... whatever the hell its name is
[18:38] > I don't understand who "Mecharuuko" is!
[18:38] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:38] >Mecharuupokoto begins to clamp down on Elly's neck!
[18:38] > Elly flails, her neck beginning to bleed!
[18:38] <Kuruvamp> fight Mecharuutokopo
[18:38] > I don't understand who "Mecharuutokopo" is!
[18:38] > Elly hits her attacker with her the blunt side of her scythe, but all it does is make it angrier!
[18:39] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:39] <Bad-Apple> Kurumi, SAVE ME!!!
[18:39] >Mecharuupokoto clamps down even more on Elly's neck, cutting off her air!
[18:39] > Elly cannot breathe!
[18:39] <Kuruvamp> fight Mecharuupotoko
[18:39] > I don't understand who "Mecharuupotoko" is!
[18:39] <Bad-Apple> Ku... ru... mi...
[18:39] > Elly's body dangles from Mecharuupokoto's jaws, nearly fainted!
[18:39] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:39] <Kuruvamp> fight Mecharupo
[18:39] > I don't understand who "Mecharupo" is!
[18:39] <Kuruvamp> OH FOR GOD'S SAKE
[18:39] > Byakuren Hiziri stands at attention!
[18:39] <Youchrist> You rang?
[18:39] <Kuruvamp> ... FLYING FANTASTICA
[18:39] > Byakuren Hiziri uses Flying Fantastica!
[18:39] > Mecharuupokoto is STUNNED!
[18:39] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:39] > Byakuren's attack does 7000 HP damage!
[18:39] > Mecharuupokoto's grip on Elly's throat weakens!
[18:40] <Kuruvamp> shoot it with Black Barrel
[18:40] > You shoot at Mecharuupokoto with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[18:40] > Your attack does 2500 HP Damage!
[18:40] > Your meter drops by one third!
[18:40] > Mecharuupokoto's grip on Elly's throat weakens even further!
[18:40] > Elly can breathe now!
[18:40] <Bad-Apple> ... haaaaaaah...
[18:40] <Kuruvamp> Flying Fantastica
[18:40] > Byakuren Hiziri uses Flying Fantastica!
[18:40] > Byakuren's attack does 7000 HP damage!
[18:40] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:40] > Mecharuupokoto releases Elly from its jaws!
[18:40] > Elly falls down towards the ground, nearly five miles below!
[18:41] <Kuruvamp> catch
[18:41] > You throw yourself off the gate, zooming to catch Elly.
[18:41] > You fly underneath Elly and catch her!
[18:41] > Elly opens her eyes.
[18:41] <Bad-Apple> ... heh... you saved me...
[18:41] > Elly's hand brushes your cheek.
[18:41] <Kuruvamp> ... ahh...
[18:41] > Mecharuupokoto looks over the edge of the gate!
[18:41] > Mecharuupokoto pounces, aiming its body right at you!
[18:41] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:41] <Kuruvamp> graze
[18:41] > You must roll 3 on a 1d3 to entirely move out of the way!
[18:41] * Kurumi rolls 1d3 [ 2 ]
[18:42] > Mecharuupokoto misses you!
[18:42] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:42] > Mecharuupokoto catches Elly by her long skirt!
[18:42] <Kuruvamp> FUCK
[18:42] > Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate for this situation?!
[18:42] <Bad-Apple> HELP ME! KURUMI!
[18:42] > Elly screams as Mecharuupokoto pulls her down!
[18:42] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[18:42] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II MISSES!!
[18:42] <Bad-Apple> KURUMI!!
[18:42] <Kuruvamp> use black barrel
[18:42] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II MISSES!!
[18:42] <Kuruvamp> OH GODDAMNIT SHOOT STRAIGHT
[18:42] > You shoot at Mecharuupokoto with the Black Barrel Replica Mk. II!
[18:42] > Your attack does 2500 HP Damage!
[18:42] > You have run out of meter!
[18:42] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:43] > Mecharuupokoto roars as it tears off the bottom of her skirt and releases Elly!
[18:43] > Mecharuupokoto falls into the mist!
[18:43] <Kuruvamp> Elly!
[18:43] > Elly sighs in relief.
[18:43] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[18:43] > A blue laser shoots up from the mist!
[18:43] > It grazes your hands, burning them!
[18:43] > You drop Elly!
[18:43] <Bad-Apple> !!!
[18:43] <Kuruvamp> ELLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[18:43] > Elly looks up at you with eyes full of despair!
[18:43] <Bad-Apple> KURUMI!!
[18:44] > Elly falls into the mist!
[18:44] <Kuruvamp> fly after her
[18:44] > You have no meter energy to do so!
[18:44] <Bad-Apple> SAVE ME!!!
[18:44] <Kuruvamp> ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
[18:44] > A multicoloured flash zips down past you!
[18:44] <Kuruvamp> ?!
[18:44] > Byakuren saves Elly!
[18:44] <Kuruvamp> =D
[18:44] > Byakuren flies back up, Elly wrapped in her scroll of light!
[18:44] <Kuruvamp> Byakuren! Thank you!
[18:44] <Youchrist> Just doin' my job, ma'am. o>
[18:44] <Youchrist> And now if you'll excuse me, I have some Eldritch Abomination ass to kick.
[18:45] > Byakuren entrusts Elly to you!
[18:45] <Kuruvamp> Thank you~
[18:45] <Youchrist> Remember, if you ever need me to come save you, just say the words~
[18:45] > Byakuren zooms down through the mist to do battle with Mecharuupokoto!
[18:45] <Kuruvamp> Thank you so much!
*** Disconnected
-----
?Elly,? Kurumi murmured over and over again as she shook her friend. ?Elly. Please wake up, Elly. You're fine, now just wake up. Please, Elly. Come back... for me. Elly...?
No response.
?Elly... please... get up.?
Again, no response.
?Oh, goddammit,? she scowled, and slapped Elly.
This worked. Elly blinked slowly, her eyes focusing and refocusing. ?Ku... rumi??
?ELLY!? Kurumi screamed with happiness as she threw her arms around her best friend, knocking her backwards into a pile of cherry blossoms. ?You're alive!?
?I am, I hope,? Elly replied, smiling as she ruffled the happy vampire girl's hair.
The cherry blossoms around the two were soft, and had cushioned their fall. All Kurumi could see was a cheery Elly surrounded on all sides by pink cherry blossoms, the faint scent of Elly's favourite apple perfume coming off of her.
Kurumi barely dared to breathe. Elly was still laughing, and only after a few seconds did she pause and look up at Kurumi with a curious look in her eyes.
?What is it?? her voice sounding more beautiful than Kurumi had ever heard.
This was her chance. This was her opportunity. Elly had never looked more beautiful than she did in this moment. All Kurumi had to do was lean down an--
?AHEM.?
Kurumi turned around to see Konpaku Youmu standing there, arms crossed, her Myon bobbing in the air next to her, a stern look on her face.
?Please stop making out in our front yard,? Youmu said with a scowl. ?Actually, no. Not 'please'. Stop making out in our front yard. NOW.?
?I have no idea what you are talking about!? Elly exclaimed as she got up, brushing cherry blossoms off of her. ?Kurumi's my friend. We came to visit you. Remember me? I'm Elly.?
Youmu looked at Kurumi, raised an eyebrow, then looked up and down at Elly.
?Ah, yes, YOU,? she said, frowning. ?The one who drank seventeen shots of vodka in one night in succession.?
?I thought it was ten?? Elly offered, blushing.
The look Youmu gave her could have split rock.
?NO. SEVENTEEN.?
?Ah, I see~?? Elly replied, not noticing that Youmu was getting very angry, very quickly.
?Well, looks like that TA thing came to an end,? Kurumi offered to try and break the awkward silence.
Youmu nodded. ?Suika and Yukari got outrageously drunk one night and decided to have an all-out cosmic-level fight. The results... were not pretty.?
?I can see that,? Kurumi added as she looked in the distance and saw the uprooted Saigyou Ayakashi upside down in the air, its roots splayed in the air.
?Thank goodness it was Yuyuko-sama's domain,? Youmu sighed, visibly calming down a bit. ?If it had taken place anywhere else, I doubt the damage could have been contained as well.?
Elly, in the meantime, was walking around Youmu, looking her up and down, eying her body, her Myon, and most importantly, her swords, both strapped to her back.
?What do you WANT?? the half-ghost snapped, irritated.
?Does throwing a sword work in combat?? Elly asked.
?Pfft, no,? Youmu laughed. ?Well, to be fair, it sometimes does work. But only because your instructor should think that no one would ever do something as stupid as that, so it catches them entirely by surprise.?
?Is that so?? Elly pulled her scythe off her body. Kurumi instinctively backed away.
Youmu put her hand on her blade. ?Weapons are not permitted on visitors to the Netherworld without Yuyuko-sama's express permission. Put your scythe awa-- err, back on your body.?
?Relax,? the gate guard said. ?I just want to show you that throwing your scythe always works.? With a heave, she flung the scythe into the air like a discus. It spun, and spun, and spun, its deadly curved edge cutting through the air.
It went out of sight.
Kurumi facepalmed.
Youmu turned to look at Elly, a raised eyebrow on her face.
Elly grinned sheepishly. ?Uh, sorry??
?You'll have to pick that up later,? the gardener ordered.
?Hey, out of curiousity, what do your swords do? I hear they have awesome powers!?
Youmu smiled slightly. ?My swords, Hakurouken and Roukanken??
?Yeah!? Elly chirped with enthusiasm. Kurumi looked over at her, wondering just what she was up to.
?Well...? Youmu was very obviously pleased at the opportunity to teach people about one of her favourite subjects: her blades. She looked around, however, apparently nervous about being caught.
?Well, I know you two, so....? She reached behind her. ?This is Roukanken,? she said, pulling off the long-bladed katana's sheath. ?It has the power to kill ten spirits in one stroke.?
?Can I see it? Please?!? Elly was doing her level best to look like an excited little girl.
Youmu eyed her critically for a few moments before chuckling and handing the sword over in its sheath. ?I suppose. Newcomers to the Netherworld always do like to see my swords anyway.?
?And what's that one?? Kurumi asked, pointing at the other blade on Youmu's back.
?Oh, this,? Youmu replied, pulling her second sword off of her back. ?It's my family's sword. Its name is Hakurouken, and its power is... well, to put it in simple terms, it cuts confusion. It enlightens. It's kind of like instant nirvana, really. It only works on spirits, though; it still hurts humans.?
?May I?? Kurumi asked, extending her hand.
?Uh... I'm not sure if I should,? the gardener replied, holding Hakurouken close to her body. ?It is my family's sword, after all...?
?Oh, just for a few minutes, please,? Elly begged on Kurumi's behalf.
?Well, all right then, since you asked... Why? Do you have a new interest in swords, by chance?? Youmu asked as she handed Hakurouken to Kurumi, not even noticing how Elly had slowly moved to the left during Youmu's entire explanation. ?Hmm??
?You could say that,? Elly began slowly as she stroked Roukanken's sheath. ?Well, maybe. I have something planned... But first, what I really need--?
In a whoooooooooooosh, Elly's scythe had come whistling back to her, aimed at where Elly had been standing when she had thrown it-- where Youmu was standing now. It slammed into her back with tremendous force, sending her flying for an entire acre.
?-- is for inspiration to strike,? the gate guard finished.
?That was... an awful pun,? Kurumi remarked as Elly's scythe floated in the air, back to Elly.
?It sure was!? Elly turned around and waved to Kurumi, indicating the Endless Stairs Kurumi had carried Elly up on. ?Now come on, that won't hold her forever!?
Kurumi extended her hand. Elly took it. The vampire shot over and down the stairs, flying down to Gensokyo as fast as they could, with no regard for their crazed speed or for their mugging victim.
-----
[19:11] * START
[19:11] > You are rocketing down the Endless Stairs of Hakugyokurou!
[19:12] > Elly is holding on to your hand.
[19:12] <Kuruvamp> inventory
[19:12] > You are carrying:
[19:12] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk. II
[19:12] > An eggplant umbrella
[19:12] > Roukanken
[19:12] <Kuruvamp> I think we're in the clear
[19:12] <Kuruvamp> Is Youmu chasing after us yet?
[19:12] <Bad-Apple> Nope
[19:12] <Bad-Apple> wait
[19:12] <Bad-Apple> What the hell is that thing
[19:12] <Kuruvamp> look
[19:12] > You spare a moment to look behind you.
[19:12] > There is a white formless blob floating behind you!
[19:13] > It is gaining speed!
[19:13] <Kuruvamp> identify
[19:13] > There is a white formless blob floating behind you!
[19:13] > It is gaining speed!
[19:13] > It is Youmu's Myon!
[19:13] <Kuruvamp> It's Youmu's ghost half thingy
[19:13] <Bad-Apple> Oh, damnit
[19:13] <Bad-Apple> here, hold these
[19:13] > Elly gives you the Bad Apple Scythe!
[19:13] > Elly gives you Hakurouken!
[19:13] > Items added to inventory.
[19:13] <Kuruvamp> The hell are you planning
[19:13] <Bad-Apple> Alright... just take those and you make sure you get back down to Gensokyo safely
[19:14] <Bad-Apple> I'll be down... eventually
[19:14] <Kuruvamp> !
[19:14] <Kuruvamp> Wait Elly don't
[19:14] > Elly releases her hand from your grip!
[19:14] > Elly drops down to the Endless Stairs!
[19:14] <Kuruvamp> ELLY!
[19:14] > Elly is right in the Myon's path!
[19:14] <Kuruvamp> Stop to help her
[19:14] > Your inertia is too great for that!
[19:14] > Elly and the Myon collide!
[19:14] <Kuruvamp> slow down
[19:14] > You begin to slow down.
[19:15] > Elly smashes the staff of her sycthe into the Myon!
[19:15] > The Myon tries to throw Elly off!
[19:15] > The Myon used RAGE!
[19:15] > Elly hits the Myon again!
[19:15] > It is Super Effective!
[19:15] > Elly climbs on top of the floating Myon.
[19:15] > Elly rides it down the stairs like a snowboard!
[19:15] <Kuruvamp> ... oh wow
[19:15] <Kuruvamp> Elly, you are cuharaaaaazy
[19:15] <Bad-Apple> Nah, just telekinetic :3
[19:15] <Kuruvamp> GJ
[19:15] > Elly salutes you and begins to Myonboard down the Endless Stairs
[19:15] <Kuruvamp> follow
[19:15] > You follow Elly down to the Gates of Hakugyokurou.
[19:16] > Far above, a person wakes up from a severe concussion.
[19:16] <K-ONpaku> ...
[19:16] <K-ONpaku> ... >:[
*** Disconnected
-
?So,? Elly breathed as the two conspirators seated themselves down in the small garden of French lilacs where they were safe. ?We made it, safe and sound.?
?All two and a half of us,? Kurumi said dimly as she watched the squirming Myon in Elly's grip. ?Do we really need Youmu? ... er, half of her??
?Not really,? Elly replied, looking at it. ?We could let it go, I suppose... but wait a little while. I'd like to see what happens if we DON'T let it go.?
?Your funeral,? Kurumi sighed. ?Anyway, what's next??
?We cut the bonds of affection between those two,? Elly said. ?With this sword!? She held up one of Youmu's blades triumphantly.
?... which one is it?? Kurumi asked.
?Why does it matter which one it is??
?Because only one of them is capable of cutting the non-material.?
The two girls paused and looked at the two swords, lying on the grass between them.
?... which one is which??
?I don't know! I forgot!?
?Damnit, Kurumi, you were supposed to be paying attention!?
?Oh, like you weren't?!?
?... argh, we hosed this one up badly,? Elly sighed as she picked up one of the swords at random, the longer one. ?I think this is Roukanken. Isn't this the one that cuts 10 spirits??
?I think it is,? Kurumi replied, straining her memory. ?So, we use that one, right??
?No.? Elly picked up the other one. ?If that one's Roukanken, that makes this one Hakurouken. And this is the one we need to use to cut their confusion. They'll see for themselves that their love is just a horrible, horrible crack pairing, and they'll just stop being in love, I guess.?
?We could always cut them with BOTH,? Kurumi offered. ?Just in case one doesn't work.?
?...?
Elly looked at Kurumi, a smile on her lips.
?... I like it.? She stood up, holding what she thought was Roukanken. ?Come on. Walk quietly.?
Kurumi fluttered her wings as quietly as she could, behind the slowly creeping Elly.
With excruciating slowness, the two girls made their way to the strawberry garden, to the edge, where large hedges shielded them from view.
They knelt low, the swords in their hands.
?Attack after I go, all right??
?Got it.?
They nodded to one another, and Elly stuck out three fingers.
?One, two--?
Elly shot up and Kurumi knelt behind her, drawing Hakurouken and Roukanken, ready to pounce upon the unsuspecting Yama and Professor.
?Thre--?
?Oh, YUMEMI!? This feels so GOOD! OH GOD! I feel so... so...?
?Oh, SHIKI! So soft... so, SO juicy... oh, please, Shiki, please, don't deny me this pleasure...?
?Oh, yes, my delicious strawberry... oh, YES...?
"Oh god. Shiki. Oh god. Yes, oh-- Oh. I, I, I--"
?So, uh,? Elly said. ?It looks like, uh. They're doing something... Messy. To say the least. And juicy. Very juicy. ... and fruity. And sort of delicious. Especially if you get to lick it off of each othe-- HEY! STRAWBERRIES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE EATEN THAT WAY! MAYBE YOU SHOULD WASH THEM FIRST OR SOMETHING!?
Kurumi could not say anything, as she was still behind the hedge and was now nosebleeding explosively all over Elly's clothing.
-----
DCC Chat Session
-
Client: Darth-Okazaki
-
Acknowledging Chat Request...
-
[19:38] <@Darth-Okazaki> Hey, Shiki-chan, did you hear something just now?
[19:38] <@The_Yamanator> No, I didn't.
[19:38] <@Darth-Okazaki> 'cause it sounded like someone was screaming...
[19:38] <@The_Yamanator> Oh, don't pay any attention to it. Probably just Yuka committing genocide again. I can deal with it after we're done here~
[19:38] <@Darth-Okazaki> I love where your priorities are~
[19:39] *@Darth-Okazaki plucks a wild strawberry and feeds it directly into Shikieiki's mouth
[19:39] *@The_Yamanator moans in ecstasy
[19:39] <@The_Yamanator> These are the best strawberries EVER~
-
DCC Session Closed
-----
Elly was pallid and unmoving.
?Uh,? she murmured. ?That was... a wash.?
Kurumi's face bobbed up and down out of the fluid in front of her. Elly did not react. She didn't have the willpower.
After turning around in a sort of dazed horror, Elly had realized that Kurumi was dangerously short on blood. Dropping her sword and seizing Myon, Elly used the ghost half like a hot-air balloon, tying it firmly to her scythe and ferrying Kurumi over to the Lake of Blood, dropping her in so the poor vampire would not run out of her life-sustaining blood.
Kurumi sighed, taking a deep breath as she felt her body rejuvenate itself. ?Thank you, Elly,? she said-- without turning around. She feared that if she turned and saw her, she would give in to the urges that she had felt since she had heard Shikieiki and Yumemi's moans of ecstasy.
?You're welcome,? Elly replied, and sighed. ?Argh. Just look at me. I got your blood all over me.?
Kurumi did NOT turn around, pretending not to hear the sound of Elly turning her back on her. The sight of blood on Elly would probably send her into a feeding frenzy. And not in the good way.
?My clothes are sopping wet,? Elly complained, sighing.
Oh dear GOD Elly in wet clothes with blood all over her oh god oh god
?This reminds me of the time Yuka poured tomato sauce all over my wardrobe.?
Alright, calm down, Kurumi. She's just making conversation, she's just trying to be friend--
?Oh man, what a choice. Walk around Mugenkan looking like a serial killer, or walk around completely naked...?
?RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!? Kurumi hissed, turning around and pouncing at Elly's unguarded back. She didn't care anymore! Her primal lust for Elly had awoken anew when she had seen Shikieiki and Yumemi together. She wanted Elly, NOW, and she was going to do anything to get her! And heaven help anyone who tried to stop he--
?OOF!?
?Did you say something?? Elly asked, turning around to see her friend lying outstretched on the banks of the Lake of Blood, small little winged Gengetsus flying around her head as Kurumi lay there, dazed.
?My god,? Kurumi moaned, ?You suck, Youmu.?
The Myon shook as if it were giggling.
-----
[19:45] * START
[19:45] > You are flying up the Tengu Waterfall.
[19:46] > Elly is next to you, using Myon as a hot-air balloon.
[19:46] <Kuruvamp> >_>
[19:46] <Kuruvamp> I can't wait 'till Youmu finds us.
[19:46] <Bad-Apple> =P
[19:46] > A figure leaps out of the mists of the waterfall to block your progress!
[19:46] <Kuruvamp> !
[19:46] > It is Momizi Inubashiri!
[19:46] <Moemiji> Halt! State your business at Tengu Mountain!
[19:46] <Kuruvamp> Elly, say something.
[19:47] <Bad-Apple> Uh, hi there. We're visiting the Mountain.
[19:47] > Momizi crosses her arms and frowns.
[19:47] <Bad-Apple> We're... on a pilgrimage to the Moriya Shrine?
[19:47] > Momizi glares at you.
[19:47] <Bad-Apple> I'm Elly, a simple gatekeeper, and this is Kurumi, my vampire friend.
[19:47] > Momizi puts a hand on the hilt of her sword.
[19:47] <Bad-Apple> We, uh... we work for Yuka Kazami?
[19:47] <Moemiji> ...
[19:47] <Moemiji> ... Please feel free to go wherever you want on Tengu Mountain.
[19:47] > Momizi leaps back into the waterfall.
[19:47] > Elly snickers
[19:47] <Kuruvamp> ... it kind of worries me that mentioning our employer's name is enough to get whatever we want in Gensokyo
[19:47] <Bad-Apple> Ehehehe~
[19:47] > You continue on your way up.
[19:49] > You reach the top of the waterfall.
[19:49] > There is a path leading to the top of the mountain.
[19:49] <Kuruvamp> follow path
[19:49] > You follow the path to the mountaintop.
[19:49] > A figure lands from the sky in front of you!
[19:49] > It is Aya Syameimaru!
[19:49] <Wind_God_Girl> Visitors to the mountain?
[19:50] <Bad-Apple> Hello there, Aya-san~
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> Momi told me you had come up to visit.
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> ... and considering who you work for, my bosses thought it would be best if you had an escort.
[19:50] > Elly grins at you.
[19:50] <Kuruvamp> I wish you would stop using Yuka's name for your own evil ends =(
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> Well, we don't want to get Master Sparked off the mountain, so my bosses find it a better idea to cooperate with you two.
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> Right this way. The Moriya Shrine's right down the path.
[19:50] <Bad-Apple> Thanks~
[19:50] > You walk down the path, guided by Aya.
[19:50] > Aya takes a few photos of you for safekeeping.
[19:50] <Kuruvamp> D=
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> Hey, this is my real job. I want the exclusive on this!
[19:50] <Wind_God_Girl> So, why're you two ladies all the way up here, anyway?
[19:51] <Bad-Apple> We're on a special mission, you see...
[19:51] <Bad-Apple> We probably shouldn't talk about it...
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> Oh, come on, I won't tell~
[19:51] > Elly looks around, nervous.
[19:51] <Bad-Apple> ... all right, come closer and I'll tell you.
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> !
[19:51] > Aya leans in whisper-close to Elly.
[19:51] <Bad-Apple> Shikieiki Yamaxanadu and Yumemi Okazaki are up to naughty things in the Garden of the Sun.
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> ... WHAT?!
[19:51] <Kuruvamp> She's not lying~
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> The Yama...?! Doing naughty things?! With the strawberry professor?! THIS IS THE SCOOP OF THE CENTURY!
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> ... But no one will believe me if I publish it! D=
[19:51] <Kuruvamp> Why don't you go down and see for yourself?
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> ... YES! And I can take photos and publish an expose and EVERYTHING! YES! THANK YOU!
[19:51] > Aya shakes your hand as fast as she can, and shakes Elly's hand as well.
[19:51] <Wind_God_Girl> This is fantastic! Thank you so much!!
[19:51] > Aya takes off flying, leaves falling in the breeze behind her.
[19:52] <Bad-Apple> Well, that got rid of her fairly quick~
[19:52] <Kuruvamp> Why did you want her to know, anyway?
[19:52] <Bad-Apple> Well, she and Yuka go back to PoFV. They'd probably want to talk again...
[19:52] <Kuruvamp> ... you just want her to get Sparked, don't you.
[19:52] > Elly grins mischievously.
[19:52] <Kuruvamp> ... oh, Elly~
[19:52] > Elly hugs you affectionately.
[19:52] <Kuruvamp> :3
[19:54] > You find yourself standing on the stone steps of the Moriya Shrine.
[19:54] > There is no one in sight.
[19:54] <Kuruvamp> Uh... should we knock?
[19:54] > A gust of wind surges!
[19:54] > The wind swirls around you!
[19:54] <Kuruvamp> !
[19:54] > A silhouette appears in the wind!
[19:54] <Wind_Good_Girl> Who are you?
[19:54] <Kuruvamp> ... who are YOU?
[19:55] <Bad-Apple> Aya?!
[19:55] <Bad-Apple> But we just saw you leave....
[19:55] <Wind_Good_Girl> :(
[19:55] * Wind_Good_Girl changed nick to KoChiyapet.
[19:55] <KoChiyapet> :V
[19:55] <Kuruvamp> Oh, are you the wind priestess?!
[19:55] <KoChiyapet> Yes, that's me~
[19:55] <Bad-Apple> Hey, you're the girl that did miracles! Kotiya Sanae!
[19:55] <KoChiyapet> Aye, me again~ =D
[19:55] <KoChiyapet> So, what brings you ladies all the way up here? Donations, perhaps?
[19:55] > Sanae looks at you hopefully.
[19:55] <Bad-Apple> Uh... I don't think I have anything...
[19:55] <Kuruvamp> inventory
[19:55] > You are carrying:
[19:56] > The Black Barrel Replica Mk.II
[19:56] > An eggplant umbrella
[19:56] <Kuruvamp> use umbrella
[19:56] > You shake the umbrella open!
[19:56] > Kogasa Tatara falls out!
[19:56] <Karagasa> Owie... that hurt...
[19:56] <KoChiyapet> ... oh?
[19:56] > Sanae approaches Kogasa, a gleam in her eyes.
[19:56] <KoChiyapet> What have we here~?
[19:56] > Kogasa backs away, whimpering.
[19:56] <Karagasa> Don't let that creepy girl near me!!
[19:56] > Kogasa holds on to your hand.
[19:56] <KoChiyapet> +_+
[19:57] <Kuruvamp> Hmmm....
[19:57] > You look down at Kogasa.
[19:57] <Bad-Apple> Uhh... Kurumi...
[19:57] <Kuruvamp> ?
[19:57] <Bad-Apple> Are you SURE you want to give away Yuka's pet as a donation?
[19:57] <Kuruvamp> ...
[19:57] <Kuruvamp> ... Sanae, will you accept this gun instead of an offering?
[19:57] <KoChiyapet> Uhhh... not really.
[19:57] <KoChiyapet> I'd much rather have the umbrella.
[19:57] <KoChiyapet> +___+
[19:57] <Karagasa> D:
[19:57] <KoChiyapet> +_____+
[19:57] > Kogasa cries.
[19:57] <Kuruvamp> Hey, Kogasa... I don't suppose you have any money at all?
[19:57] <Karagasa> Uhh... I think I have some...
[19:58] > Kogasa searches in her skirt's pockets.
[19:58] > Kogasa produces 5,000 yen!
[19:58] <KoChiyapet> D:
[19:58] <Kuruvamp> Great! Give it to me~
[19:58] > Kogasa gives you 5,000 yen!
[19:58] > Items added to inventory.
[19:58] <Kuruvamp> donate 5,000 yen
[19:58] > You place all your money in the donation box.
[19:58] <KoChiyapet> Aww, shucks... :(
[19:58] <Karagasa> :?
[19:58] > Sanae eyes Kogasa.
[19:58] <KoChiyapet> I'll get you next time... just watch, my little karakasa...
[19:58] <KoChiyapet> +__________________+
[19:58] > Kogasa hides behind her umbrella, trembling.
[19:58] <Kero-Sombrero> YAHOO! MONEY! \o/
[19:58] <Yasakami> New donations?! VISITORS!
[19:58] > Two figures, one tall and one short, emerge from behind the donation box!
[19:58] <Kuruvamp> identify
[19:59] > It is Suwako Moriya!
[19:59] > It is Kanako Yasaka!
[19:59] <Kuruvamp> The goddesses of the Moriya Shrine!!
[19:59] <Yasakami> As seen on TV! o>
[19:59] <Kero-Sombrero> I don't think I've seen you ladies before! Welcome to the Moriya Shrine! o/
[19:59] <Yasakami> What can we do for you, for the low, low price of 400 Faith points?
[19:59] <Bad-Apple> Faith...?
[19:59] <Bad-Apple> ... Oh, so THAT'S what these green star things are?
[19:59] > Elly produces the two hundred thousand faith points she gathered from the fairies on the way up.
[19:59] <Kero-Sombrero> ... :O
[19:59] <Yasakami> O_O
[20:00] <Kero-Sombrero> ... Sanae, I think it's time for the "hundred thousand faith treatment".
[20:00] <Kero-Sombrero> Like. Right NOW.
[20:00] <KoChiyapet> WHAT?! D: D: D:
[20:00] <Yasakami> YOU KNOW THE RULES!
[20:00] <KoChiyapet> B-but...
[20:00] <Yasakami> No buts! Now get to it!
[20:00] <Kero-Sombrero> TWICE! Both at once, if you like!
[20:00] <KoChiyapet> ;_;
[20:00] <Kuruvamp> ...?
[20:00] <Bad-Apple> Hundred thousand... this sounds familiar, somehow...
[20:00] <Kero-Sombrero> Well, uh.... for exceptionally devoted followers...
[20:00] <Yasakami> If a follower has enough faith, then Sanae here... she has to obey your every order for 24 hours...
[20:00] <Yasakami> Well, 48 hours in your case, since you have twice as much....
[20:00] <Kero-Sombrero> This is going to be her first time, though...
[20:00] > Suwako hugs Sanae tightly.
[20:01] <Kero-Sombrero> I'm so proud of you ;_;
[20:01] <Yasakami> Come on, Sanae, you can do it! Gather that faith! And be sure to moan!
[20:01] > Sanae bursts into tears.
[20:01] <Kero-Sombrero> Now, you two!
[20:01] <Kuruvamp> I'm so confused @_@
[20:01] <Yasakami> Oh, for heaven's sake...
[20:01] <Yasakami> You bought her, now you can do anything you want to her for 48 hours!
[20:01] <Bad-Apple> ...
[20:01] <Bad-Apple> ... ANYTHING?
[20:01] <KoChiyapet> ;_;
[20:01] <Yasakami> Anything.
[20:01] > Elly looks at you.
[20:01] <Kuruvamp> ... =D
[20:01] <Yasakami> But go! The clock is ticking!
[20:02] > Elly grabs Sanae, hoists her over her shoulder, and takes off flying on the Myon.
[20:02] <KoChiyapet> ;_____;
[20:02] <Kuruvamp> Bye, you two! Thanks so much!
[20:02] > You leave with the eggplant umbrella on your back, flying after Elly.
[20:02] <Kero-Sombrero> TAKE CARE OF HER! IT'S HER FIRST TIME!
[20:02] <Yasakami> COME BACK WITH LOTS MORE FAITH, Y'HEAR?
[20:02] <Kero-Sombrero> My little girl ;_;
[20:02] <Yasakami> You worry too much.
[20:02] <Yasakami> Now come on, let's go back inside and play more Actress Again.
[20:02] <Kero-Sombrero> ... why not play Soku instead?
[20:02] <Yasakami> >:(
[20:02] <Kero-Sombrero> >:D~
***Disconnected
-----
?Alright, the coast is clear. Looks like Shikieiki and Yumemi STILL haven't found us.?
Elly alighted on the ground in the center of the lilac garden, letting Sanae jump off of her shoulders and onto the ground. Kurumi followed her, then Elly also sat on her knees, Youmu's Myon still tied firmly to her scythe.
?Uhh...? Sanae sat next to Kurumi, looking nervously from side to side.
?Okay,? Kurumi stated. ?What next??
?Please be gentle to me,? Sanae continued, blushing.
?Alright, our next step will be to use one of her miracles,? Elly replied.
?This is going to be my first time...? Sanae turned red and trailed off.
?To do what?? Kurumi asked.
The green-haired girl slowly began to pull off her shirt, leaving only a light green brassiere on.
?Well, to miracle away the love between Yumemi and Shikieiki! Her power of miracles will be our Deus ex Machina.?
Sanae continued by unzipping her skirt and pulling it off.
?I thought miracles were supposed to be positive things,? Kurumi complained.
?Alright, I'm ready. Please take me!? Sanae declared.
?Tell that to Jerich-- what the hell are you doing, Sanae?? Elly asked, finally noticing Sanae's state of undress. ?Put your clothes back on, what the hell is wrong with you??
?Uh... you're supposed to do whatever you want with me,? the shrine maiden replied. ?Just like they do with Reimu whenever they donate a lot of money...?
?Oh, we are,? Kurumi laughed. ?But not like that. We already tried making Shikieiki jealous of another girl's sexy legs, and even though you have green hair, I don't think it would work this time around, either.?
?Eh? So you're not going to...? Sanae flushed red, pulling her skirt back on as quickly as she could.
?If anything, we're going to use you as a meat shield for Master Spark,? Kurumi said, waving it off. ?No, we need you for something else.?
?Green frog panties...? Elly muttered to herself. ?Anyway, Sanae, we'll need you to use your power of miracles.?
?What do you want me to do?? the green-haired girl asked.
Elly motioned her to come over. Looking over the lilac barrier, she pointed over to the hedges of Yumemi's strawberry garden. ?See that? Shikieiki and Yumemi are romancing one another in there.? She shivered. ?And for god's sake, I wish they wouldn't eat strawberries... RAW.? She gagged. ?That's DISGUSTING!?
Sanae raised an eyebrow.
?Elly is a germaphobe,? Kurumi whispered.
?Ah.? She nodded. ?So... you need me to make them fall in love with each other??
?No, quite the opposite. We need you to make them hate each other,? Kurumi said, coming up to Elly and Sanae looking over the hedge.
?B-- but why?!? Sanae protested. ?Love is the greatest miracle of them all!?
?Like HELL,? Elly shot back, looming over Sanae. ?And you are going to do EXACTLY what we say or else you are gonna be in for it when your goddesses find out that you have been... shall we say, 'unfaithful'. Yes. What do you say to that??
?... Noooo,? Sanae burst into tears. ?I can't bring myself to end the love between two people who love one another!? she begged.
Kurumi pulled the huge purple umbrella off her back, opened it, and shook it, dropping Kogasa out. She hauled the karakasa up by her shirt collar and waved her in front of Sanae.
?I'll do it,? Sanae agreed, a strange gleam in her eyes as she watched Kogasa cry. ?Where can I start??
Elly pointed.
?Ehehehehe,? the wind priestess chuckled, a hint of insanity in her tone. Her face twisted into a sick grin as she turned to Kogasa and smiled. ?This will be over in a jiffy. And then I'll have you, my little karakasa~?
Kogasa sobbed.
Sanae laughed again and rubbed her hands together with obvious glee. ?Time for the miracle of romance to give way~? She stepped over the hedge and walked to the strawberry garden.
-----
DCC Chat Session
-
Client: Kuruvamp
-
Acknowledging Chat Request...
-
[20:24] <Kuruvamp> Hey, Elly?
[20:24] <Bad-Apple> ?
[20:25] <Kuruvamp> Is this actually gonna work?
[20:25] <Bad-Apple> Hell if I know
[20:25] * Bad-Apple eats popcorn while watching
[20:25] <Kuruvamp> ... :|
[20:25] * Bad-Apple shares her popcorn with Kurumin <3
[20:25] <Kuruvamp> ~
-
DCC Session Closed
-----
-
?Shiki-chan, I've been wondering,? Yumemi said as the Judge of Paradise lay on the grass behind her, hugging her around her waist.
?Hmm?? Shikieiki replied as she nibbled on Yumemi's ear. Yumemi moaned in reply, and Shikieiki took the chance to lick Yumemi's neck. ?What is it~?
?Ah...? Yumemi gasped as she felt Shikieiki's tongue on her throat. ?Ah, I've been wondering... I love you, Shikieiki.?
?And I love you, my strawberry goddess,? the judge said in turn.
?But... I was wondering,? the professor began.
?What?? Shikieiki asked.
Yumemi twisted in her arms, turning around and wrapping her leg around Shikieiki to bring her even closer.
?Could we...?
?Yes?? the judge breathed, bright red.
?... get married??
?... YES!? Shikieiki exclaimed, kissing the professor. ?I would LOVE to marry you!?
?Really?!? Yumemi asked, an extremely happy smile on her face. ?Oh... but wait, it might not...?
?What??
?It might not... be legal...?
Shikieiki raised an eyebrow. ?I am the physical embodiment of the concept of law, you know,? she said.
?And what a nice embodiment it is,? Yumemi teased, running her hand up Shikieiki's thigh. ?But... can you get away with that? Back where I came from, only a few countries let women marry...?
?Laws of foreign lands are strange,? Shikieiki mused. ?But that's not the case here in Gensokyo, Yume-chan. I am the law, and what I say goes.? She grinned. ?One of the many benefits of my version of Uncanny Bane Mastery.?
?Uncanny Bane Mastery?? Yumemi asked. ?But all you would have to do to get it to work is just go 'LAWL YOU BROKE OBSCURE ORDINANCE #285185 THAT I MADE UP JUST NOW'.... that's so unfair.?
Shiki shrugged. ?Law is unfair.?
?You know, I love the way you think,? Yumemi said, narrowing her eyes and rolling on top of Shikieiki.
But before anything else could happen, a powerful gust blew into the two, sending them flying into a strawberry bush.
?Whoops,? Sanae muttered, bright red. ?I didn't know you two weren't wearing panties...?
?GAH!? Yumemi pulled her long red skirt down as quickly as she could. ?WHO ARE YOU?!?
?Sanae-san, what are you doing?!? Shikieiki demanded, pulling down her black skirt as well. ?What's the meaning of this?!?
?I, Sanae Kotiya, the god human, will put an end to your miracle romance!? the miko declared, pulling an ofuda out of her wide, unattached sleeve.
?Witness!? she yelled as the ofuda glowed bright green. ?THE POWER OF MIRACLES!?
Yumemi glared at her. ?That power is such a deus ex machina!?
?EYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!?
?What in the he--? was all Sanae was able to get out before something screamed through the sky (literally) and crash-landed on top of the miko, leaving an enormous smoking crater where she had just been.
?Oh. Ah,? Mini-Byakuren groaned as she held her head. Beneath her lay the smoking remains of Mecharuupokoto. Beneath the smoking remains of Mecharuupokoto lay Sanae.
She got up and stood, wobbling, on Sanae?s head. ?Someone called for a deus ex machina??
?BYAKUREN!? Kurumi cried out. ?Thank goodness you?re here!?
Byakuren flew up and out of the crater, landing on Kurumi?s shoulder as Elly peered over to see how quickly Sanae was running out of blood. ?What did you need me for??
?Them,? Kurumi said, pointing at Yumemi and Shikieiki. ?We need you to break them up.?
?They?re final bosses, eh?? mini-Byakuren said, grinning.
The professor and the Yama looked at one another.
?We?re commonly accepted to be the worst cheating bastards in the series when fighting us on lunatic, by the way,? Yumemi threatened.
?And the people that have beaten me in UFO lunatic can be counted on one hand,? Byakuren shot back, smiling. ?Bring it.?
?Is that so??
Yumemi raised a hand and a series of red crosses materialized in midair.
?... oh,? Byakuren muttered, face turning pale. She turned to Kurumi and looked at her, tears welling up in her eyes. ?Kurumi...?
?What is it??
?... c-- crosses.?
?What??
?CROSSES!? Byakuren screamed, hiding behind Kurumi?s back, shivering.
Elly glanced at Kurumi and Byakuren.
?Of all the deus ex machinas you could have summoned, you had to summon the ONLY one who had a phobia of crosses.?
?It?s not my fault!? Kurumi begged.
?You?re a GODDAMN VAMPIRE. All the vampires in Touhou love crosses! She's a messianic archetype! Messiah! Crosses! They do not mix! Get the picture?!?
The blonde vampire pulled out a spellcard.
?Hey, Byakuren...?
?What??
?RED THE NIGHTLESS CASTLE!!?
?AHHH!? Byakuren screamed as she was hit by the towering crimson cross point-blank.
?2707 damage,? Elly said, watching the hit count go up. ?DAMN.?
The dust cleared, revealing a full-sized Byakuren lying on the ground, looking up at Kurumi, coughing. ?What the heck was that for?? she demanded, tears in her eyes.
?I didn't expect you to go full-sized...? Kurumi grinned.
?My bomb autoshield broke,? the magician whined. ?But why did you use a bomb on your own teammate?!?
?I wanted to see if you were as vulnerable to crosses as you thought you were.?
?They make me really uncomfortable...? Byakuren said as she stood, holding herself tightly. ?It makes me think of ?the saint was crucified on the cross?...?
?Oh, you don't have a phobia, you just get nervous...? That means we can use Byakuren?s Flying Fantastica against them!? Elly exclaimed. ?All right, go and destroy their selfless, devoted love for one another!?
?But I told everyone to love one another,? the magician pleaded.
?TOO BAD!? Elly yelled, pushing Byakuren towards Yumemi and Shikieiki. ?Now go over there and do your stuff!?
Byakuren staggered towards the two women, smoke still rising from her clothes. ?Um... My name is Byakuren Hiziri and I'm pleased to meet you, but I'm not quite sure on why they want me to beat you up... apparently your love for one another is wrong, or some such... but love is the greatest of all virtues, so I'm a bit lost... uh... what are you staring at?? she asked as she finally noticed the eyes of the two women on her.
?... wow,? Yumemi said softly.
?You are... the most attractive woman I have ever seen,? Shikieiki breathed.
?T... thank you?? Byakuren replied, blushing.
?You match my exact picture of feminine beauty,? Yumemi went on, moving closer to Byakuren.
?Your long flowing gradient hair... your tender smile,? Shikieiki said, also moving towards her.
?Oh, okay,? Byakuren said, backing away from the two approaching women. ?That's very nice of you...? she paled upon seeing the looks on the two women's faces. ?Uh, I think I'd better take my leave now...?
?Here,? the professor said, rushing over to pull off fresh strawberries from the bushes. ?They're all yours...?
?Why, thank you!? Byakuren said, taking the strawberries and laughing. Yumemi nearly fainted dead away.
?H--hey!? Shikieiki protested, seeing the exchange. ?That's not fair... hold on a second.? She pulled the higanbana out of her YamaHat and offered it to Byakuren. ?A gift of love,? she said, blushing like a little girl.
?My, you're very kind,? the magician said, and smiled at her. Shikieiki turned red.
Yumemi was glaring. ?Hiziri-chan?? she asked, trying to distract her.
?Yes??
?Can I call you onee-sama??
?WHA--? Shikieiki protested, but Byakuren smiled graciously. ?Of course.?
?Thank you, onee-sama!? Yumemi exclaimed, hugging her ?onee-sama?'s arm.
?Hmph,? the judge scoffed. ?I'm going to call her Byaku-tan.?
?Ahahaha...? Byakuren laughed nervously as Shikieiki latched onto her other arm. ?Um, Yumemi, Shikieiki... I can't feel my blood circulating... and I can't feel my fingers anymore...?
But Shikieiki and Yumemi weren't paying attention to her. They were busy growling and hissing at each other.
?Shikieiki, you're just jealous!? Yumemi accused, pulling the magician over to her. ?Byakuren is MINE!?
?No, YOU'RE jealous!? Shikieiki yelled, pulling Byakuren back towards her. ?She's mine, mine, MINE!?
?You stay the hell away from her, WENCH!? the professor said, smashing a red cross into Shikieiki's head.
?And YOU ought to know your place, you LOOSE WOMAN!? the Yama shot back, hitting Yumemi on the head with her YamaStick.
?Uh,? Byakuren tried to interrupt as the former lovers leapt at each other and rolled around on the ground, screeching and pulling at each other's hair. ?Um... you two should live in peace...?
?SHUT UP!? they yelled at her, then glared at one another and resumed their catfight. Byakuren sighed and knelt down, pulling up Sanae's corpse from the bottom of the crater, trying to ignore them.
?Huh,? Kurumi said, eating Elly's popcorn. ?Five thousand yen on the Yama.?
?Bah,? Elly scoffed. ?Five thousand on the strawberry girl. Red is power.? She raised an apple into the air.
Just then, two green-haired women came up from behind Elly, Kurumi, and Byakuren.
?So,? Yuka said cheerfully, putting a hand on Elly's shoulder.
?What'd we miss?? Mima asked.
?Mission accomplished!? Elly laughed, offering her master a taste of popcorn.
They watched for a moment as Shiki pulled off a 2ab 5c 236b 236b 236b 2b 5c j.b(1) j.c dj.b(1) dj.c airthrow BnB against Yumemi that would have made Ryougi proud.
?I guess,? Kurumi said. ?We broke them up. Order has been restored to Gensokyo.?
?Aww,? Yuka whined. ?And me and Mima just made this awesome spellcard,? she said, pulling out a pink card from her shirt.
?Ooh, what's it say?? Kurumi asked, hopping up and down to see. Behind her, Shikieiki fell victim to Yumemi Vermilion's infinite Momiji loops.
?Love Sign ? Tsun de Ray,? Mima replied for Yuka. ?See, all you have to do is say the names of two people out loud after you say the card's name within earshot, and instantly two lasers will hit the two people in question, making them tsundere for each other.?
In the background, Byakuren sighed. ?Sanae, stop being dead, okay? Wake up.?
Sanae stirred and groaned. ?Where's Kogasa??
Just then, a bright burst of energy exploded out of the Love Sign spellcard and shot Sanae in the chest and Kogasa in the umbrella. Kogasa tumbled out of the umbrella on Kurumi's back onto her head, and Sanae fell to the ground.
?Kogasa,? Sanae gasped.
?Sanae,? Kogasa said, blushing.
The two ran to each other and embraced, then quickly separated, muttering something about how it wasn't like they liked each other or anything.
?Do we have to break them up?? Kurumi asked her mistress.
?No,? Yuka said, drawing her umbrella and pointing it at the karakasa and the miko. ?But I'll Spark them anyway.?
?No, Yuka,? Mima said, shaking her head.
?Why the hell not?? Yuka shot back.
?Because...? Mima chuckled. ?Green hair and all... ehehehehehe...?
?... ohh,? the flower youkai nodded, a strange gleam in her eye. ?All right. Ahahaha. Ahahahahahahahahah!?
Kurumi and Elly looked at each other.
?I... am not sure we want to know,? Elly said. ?But for now, let's go play some more dungeon crawl, shall we??
?That sounds like a good idea,? Yuka nodded, and they all went back to her mansion.
-----
Epilogue, a week later
Yuka's Clone, Elly, and Kurumi were on the front porch of Mugenkan, stretched out in swimsuits on lawnchairs, basking in the sun.
?So,? Kurumi said, putting away her copy of the Bunbunmaru news. ?Apparently the Mecharuutotoko thing Byakuren killed came back to life and got into Hakugyokurou. Thousands are reported dead.?
?Kurumin, why can't you pronounce that to save my life?? Elly huffed, adjusting her sunglasses.
?Oh, it worked out fine in the end.? Kurumi shrugged as she fanned herself and picked up an iced tea. ?Byakuren, want some??
?Don't mind if I do, thanks,? Byakuren replied, leaning over from her own lawnchair where she was lying in a bikini sunning herself. ?Boy, sure is hot out here today.?
?Wanna go to the pool?? Yuka's Clone offered. ?Apparently, Yuka and Mima are playing keep-away with Kogasa's umbrella while Sanae keeps score.?
?That sounds like it'd be fun,? Elly replied. ?Kurumi, are you coming??
?Nah,? Kurumi said as she watched Elly walk away in a tight red swimsuit. ?... though it's too bad.? She pondered the thought of watching Elly in her wet red swimsuit, and stifled a nosebleed as Yuka's Clone walked away with her.
?I'm staying just because I want to get a nice tan,? Byakuren laughed, adjusting her multicoloured sunglasses and looking over at Kurumi. ?So why are you here??
?Uh... I probably shouldn't be having fun. I still feel kind of guilty.? Kurumi sighed. ?If me and Elly hadn't interfered with their love, Yumemi and Shikieiki might have actually stayed together.?
?Oh, I wouldn't worry about it,? Byakuren reassured her with a wink. ?Something about them tells me that there's hope for those two yet~?
-----
[13:44] * START
[13:45] *Darth-Okazaki is standing in a misty field of higanbana.
[13:45] *Darth-Okazaki notices the souls of the dead coalesce around her, aroused by a living human's presence.
[13:46] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... I knew it would be pointless to try and look for her here.
[13:46] *The mists swirl about Yumemi.
[13:46] * A silhouette appears in the mist.
[13:46] * It is Shikieiki Yamaxanadu!
[13:46] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... Eiki-cha-- I mean. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu.
[13:46] * Shikieiki Yamaxanadu remains quiet.
[13:46] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... I'm sorry, I knew it would be a bad idea to come here.
[13:46] <@Darth-Okazaki> I'll leave now. Sorry for the trouble.
[13:46] <@The_Yamanator> No, wait.
[13:47] * Shikieiki Yamaxanadu reaches out for Yumemi's hand.
[13:47] <@Darth-Okazaki> !
[13:47] * Shikieiki Yamaxanadu's hand is warm.
[13:47] <@Darth-Okazaki> Hey, Shikieiki...
[13:47] <@The_Yamanator> What?
[13:47] <@Darth-Okazaki> Even if we got in a fight over Byakuren... can I ask you for something?
[13:47] <@The_Yamanator> What do you need?
[13:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... is it all right if we're friends?
[13:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> Not lovers, but just friends?
[13:48] <@The_Yamanator> ... always.
[13:48] <@The_Yamanator> It's lonely in Higan except for Komachi. I would love it if you came by.
[13:48] <@Darth-Okazaki> Well... you know what friends in Gensokyo do, right?
[13:49] <@The_Yamanator> They share time with one another...
[13:49] <@Darth-Okazaki> ? And they fight one another!
[13:49] <@The_Yamanator> Yes!
[13:49] ☼ Scouter indicates Yumemi Okazaki has HP and MP levels of 1000 / 1500!!
[13:49] ☼ Scouter indicates Shikieiki Yamaxanadu has HP and MP levels of 1000 / 1500!!
[13:50] [1000 HP / 1000 MP] SPECIAL ATK: @Darth-Okazaki launches Ichigo Sign - STRAWBERRY LEGEND at Shikieiki ?BYAKUREN IS MINE!? (-500 MP)
[13:50] [1000 HP / 1000 MP] SPECIAL ATK: @The_Yamanator hits Yumemi with Higan Sign - RESPECT MY AUTHORITY ?OH YOU WISH? (-500 MP)
[13:50] ☼ Scouter indicates Mecharuupokoto has HP and MP levels of 9000 / 9000!!
[13:50] <@The_Yamanator> ?!
[13:50] <@Darth-Okazaki> ?!
[13:50] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[13:50] <@The_Yamanator> Is that... ARCHETYPE EARTH?!
[13:50] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！ めるぽ！
[13:50] <@Darth-Okazaki> ... run
[13:51] *** @Darth-Okazaki [sailorichigo@heartofgold.podd.go.jp] has quit (JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A RED CROSS)
[13:51] *** @The_Yamanator [coleridge@xanadu.pofv.go.jp] has quit (IT'S OVER 9... wait, never mind.)
[13:51] <ξ・∀・）> めるぽ！
[13:51] * ξ・∀・） changed nick to Merupo_TATARI.
[13:51] <Merupo_TATARI > Ahahahaha... ahahahahahahahahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*** Disconnected
The End.
Special thanks:
- Purvis, for help with Yuka's Kill List and Yuyuko's Food List
- E-Mouse, for help with IRC-style nicks (KoChiyapet was awesome)
- Donut for beta reading the whole damn thing. <3
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Jesus Christ.
The definitive Ruro fiction.
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I am proud to have contributed to this masterpiece.
But I don't get the new "final boss". ???
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Byakuren Hiziri.
The definitive Ruro fiction.
fixed
Also, if this becomes more popular than White Rose I swear I'll kill myself. ;_;
But I don't get the new "final boss". ???
TATARI = Dust of Osiris
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... this is the awesomest fic ever.
Scratch that. This is the awesomest thing ever.
My favorite part was "JESUS CHRIST!" "You summon Byakuren Hiziri!"
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go snuggle Nue. :)
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This was so delicious I don't even know.
Like really. Amazing. Best fic I've read in a long time. Better than the first two, even.
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Oh god.
...
WHERE IS MY BYAKUREN GODDAMNIT
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....pfffffhahahahahaha
Oh man. That was simply glorious. All of it. Yuka's kill count still amuses me greatly, considering some of the people on it. I still kinda wondered what the kappa did to piss her off so badly, though.
also, Mecharuupokoto is like... ridiculous. I am wondering how much firepower it would take for it to truly, and honestly perish. And not, yanno. Come back ten seconds later.
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FUCK
YES
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'That annoying guy who followed you around in RiG'
I loved that touch. Brilliant.
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This thread is made of win.
Lotus LAN Story had me LOLing hard. XD
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Okay I officially have no idea where I was going with this. I guess you can blame Serp or something :V
The better suspects, I admit, are a strange and lethal combination of My Immortal readings, Kriegsaffe fiction, and Lovecraft, but I will admit the latter two are somewhat interchangeable.
Kurumi and Elly's Excellent Adventures
Story 3.5: Some... Halloween thing
?Ah ha! It still fits!?
?It... really doesn't.?
?Shut up, Elly!?
?Sigh. Whatever you say.?
Kurumi emerged from behind the dresser to show off her totally goffik and kawaii outfit. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice bod--
?OH GOD!? Elly fell to the floor and began convulsing. ?I can get you dressing up as Ebony Dark?ness Dementia Raven Way for Halloween, but not the interface screw! Please!?
?Looks like you can't handle...? Kurumi paused for dramatic effect. ?......................... all this goffik.?
?STOP IT!? Elly begged.
?Oh, fine, fine,? Kurumi said, laughing. ?I'll leave it alone.? She tilted her head at Elly, a quizzical look on her face. ?Who... are you supposed to be dressing up as, anyway??
Elly was wearing a blue gi and white hakama. She had tied her hair into twintails and was holding her scythe over her shoulders.
?Uh, Komachi.?
Kurumi frowned. ?It's Halloween. It doesn't make sense to dress up as other Touhou characters, does it??
?I guess.? Elly sighed, then snapped her fingers and leapt into their costume dresser. ?Wait! I've got it!?
?Hmm?? Kurumi looked at Elly as she threw out clothing left and right. ?What are you going to do??
?You'll see, you'll see!?
?So,? Yuka said, standing in the doorway. She was wearing her nightclothes. ?Are you two girls done dressing up yet? We have to meet up with Byakuren's crew soon.?
Kurumi indicated her hot goffick clothing, then frowned. ?Aren't you going to dress up?? she asked.
Yuka raised an eyebrow.
?Well, on Halloween you're supposed to dress up as someone scary.?
?... I'm dressed as myself.?
?... fair point.?
?OKAY!? Elly emerged from the dresser, now wearing a long, elegant yellow dress and her scythe.
Yuka blinked. ?Who are you supposed to be dressing as??
?Cassilda!? Elly laughed, twirling her scythe.
?Oh... okay,? their master nodded, throwing on her old nightcap just for kicks. ?Shall we go, then??
?Sure!?
-----
The three women left Mugenkan and went to the edge of the newly-cleaned Lake of Blood, which was no longer full of blood, courtesy of Sanae's miracles. Three people stood waiting there for them.
?'sup,? Suwako said, dressed in a frog outfit-- at least, that's what it was supposed to be. She looked like a bloated, furry toad. Kanako, for her part, had managed to fit into a slim, scaly outfit with venomous fangs, a flicking, twitching hood, and a long, bony tail attached to her backside.
?The hell?? Kurumi asked.
?Oh, oh!? Elly exclaimed, jumping up and down. ?I know who you two are! You're Tsathoggua, the frog god!? she pointed at Suwako, giggling. ?And you're Yig, the father of serpents!?
Suwako grinned, opening her hat and pulling out a copy of the King in Yellow. ?And I can guess who you are,? she laughed, waving the book.
Kanako nodded, approving. ?You've read your Lovecraft!?
?No, just Kriegsaffe.? Elly looked at Sanae, who was dressed as bear. ?A bear??
Sanae nodded. ?Shall we get going, then??
?Sure thing,? Yuka said, nodding.
?Wait,? Kanako said. ?Shouldn't you be dressed up, Yuka??
?I *am* dressed up.?
?But... you're just dressed as yourself.?
?Exactly.? Yuka nodded slowly, smiling at Kanako, who shivered and backed away.
Elly, for her part, was reading portions of the King in Yellow out loud for Sanae and Kurumi's benefit. Kurumi, though, was distracted, and looked around to see two feet sticking out of the Lake of Water.
?Hmm,? she said, fluttering over and pulling the feet out. It was Orange.
?Hey there,? she said, wiping Orange's face clean of lake gunk and mud. ?What were you doing??
?Yuka threw me in here a few days ago,? Orange sobbed, shivering in her wet clothing. ?Can I get out??
?Sure.? Kurumi offered her hand and Orange took it. They flew back to Elly and Sanae, the latter of whom was reading ?Song of my soul, my voice is dead/ Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed/ Shall dry and die in / Lost Carcosa."
Sanae applauded. Kurumi was standing there, gaping in amazement. ?Where the hell did you learn how to sing like that?! Not from Yuka, I'm sure.?
Elly gazed at the text, then suddenly perked. "Oh! I guess you say his name as--"
Suwako looked up and glanced at Elly, and began to yell "No!"--
"--Hastur."
The Lake of Water next to them turned back to blood. Everyone paused and looked at it.
?Who the hell is Hastur?? Yuka asked.
?Don't say that name again!? Kanako begged as the sky began to rain down yellow.
?What, Hastur??
Thunder boomed overhead and the sky became dark. In a flash of white, a lightning bolt struck the ground near them, and they looked away.
When they could see again, all they saw was a tall, huge figure floating above the ground, dressed in long yellow tatters and a white mask. It was silent.
Everyone backed away but Yuka, who cracked her knuckles and smiled up at the King in Yellow.
?Five thousand yen on Yuka,? Sanae offered as Yuka flew up to do battle with the King.
No one took the bet, and the group walked off to the Myouren Temple, with the tacit knowledge that Yuka would just catch up to them later.
-----
-
?Oh, hey there!? Nazrin opened the gate for them. She was dressed in a yellow version of her normal outfit and she had a rod with a right arrow on a sign sticking out of her head.
?Exit Nazrin?? Kurumi identified.
Nazrin nodded. ?We'll be right out, so just hold on, okay??
Kurumi nodded and the group waited for a few moments while the Palanquin Ship Crew made their way out of the temple. Shou was dressed as Vaisravana, with heavy ornate golden armour replacing her normal clothing. Murasa was dressed as May from Guilty Gear. Ichirin was dressed as an interesting character. Unzan was dressed as a giant pink fist. Nue poked her head out of the gate, saw the Lovecraft references, and came out wearing an ancient Egyptian crown. Byakuren was the last to come out, dressed in a gold-plated sailor fuku, wearing a golden headdress on her head.
?Who are you supposed to be?? the vampire asked.
?I'm the Golden Queen of Shadow Galactica!? Byakuren declared.
?Also known as Sailor Galaxia,? Shou whispered. ?She had gradient hair in the Stars finale, you know.?
Kurumi nodded, not understanding one bit.
At that point, Yuka walked up behind the group. Her nightclothes had been ripped and stained with yellow, but she was smiling widely and in a very good mood.
?Let's go trick-or-treating!? Yuka exclaimed, holding up an arm holding up an arm in the air. Not her arm. The King in Yellow's.
Everyone cheered and began their long night of walking.
-----
They did not go to Alice's. Alice could not take trick-or-treaters anyhow. Court order.
-----
Yuka threw Orange into the Scarlet Devil Lake as they walked by, then muttered ?Hastur? three times. She was thoroughly disappointed when nothing happened, so she reached into Suwako's hat and pulled out a copy of the Arkham Horror guidebook, then proceeded to open every gate and summon every Elder God in the book. By the time the group made it to the SDM, Yuka had decided to wear the hollowed-out, rubbery flesh of Cthulhu as a Halloween costume, along with the horns of Shub-Niggurath on her head.
The SDM crew was sitting out on the front lawn. Meiling, dressed as Miyako Arima, motioned them in through the gate. Remilia, Flandre, and Patchouli sat around a table, dressed respectively as Bell Zephyr, Marx, and Nagato Yuki, while Sakuya the Ripper served them tea.
Remilia raised her eyebrow as Yuka came up to her. ?Raaaaaaaaaaaaah!? Yuka roared, baring her teeth.
Remilia didn't bat an eyelash. ?Who are you??
Yuka sighed and pulled off the horns and the rubbery Cthulhu-flesh, then blinked in Remilia's general direction.
?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!? Remilia screamed in horror and fainted.
?Welp,? Yuka said, throwing the flesh onto Remilia's body. ?Hope she finds a better use for it than I did.?
?Yuukarin!? Flandre hopped out of her chair and hugged the green-haired youkai.
The rest of the group, for their part, accosted Sakuya and Patchouli for their candy.
?Give us candy, or the gate guard gets it!? Shou exclaimed, driving the tip of her spear into Meiling's neck.
Patchouli shrugged. ?Go ahead and kill the fat girl anyway.?
?I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!? Meiling wailed.
Flandre came up to Kurumi and hugged her as well. Kurumi hugged back in slight surprise, ruffling the girl's hair.
?Here!? Flandre said, handing her a spellcard. ?The voices told me to give this to you!?
?Uhh,? Kurumi muttered, taking it and tucking it into her pocket. ?Thanks??
Flandre hugged her cousin again.
Sakuya opened her mouth. ?Heya ya goes, hunny muffins!? she screeched in a Deep South Brooklyn Bronx accent*.
*Think Sailor Moon dub Molly.
She pulled out a tub of assorted candy and offered it to the trick-or-treaters, who had begun to wail and gnash their teeth upon hearing her voice. ?What is it, hunny muffins? Aye think yer outfits are super kewl, by the wa--?
Everyone but Sanae spontaneously exploded into chunks of meat.
Sanae, still dressed in her grizzly bear costume, sighed and pulled out her gohei. ?Welp,? she muttered as she waved it, activating a miracle.
The group returned to life, took their candy, and ran for it while Sakuya waved, yelling, ?Y'all come back heah if yas ever want moar candy, y'hear??
-----
?That was somewhat horrifying,? Ichirin said through gasps of breath as they walked up the Endless Stairs to trick-or-treat at Hakugyokurou.
?Hey, where's Shou?? Nazrin asked.
?No idea,? Byakuren said, looking behind her. ?She must have gotten lost.?
?I'll be back with her in a bit,? Nazrin said, running down the stairs.
The group shrugged and went on, finishing their climb in a few more minutes. But they didn't have to go all the way down the path, as Youmu was sitting cross-legged at the top, her Myon holding up a huge sack of candy, helpfully labelled ?Take one and leave me alone.?
Naturally, Unzan punched her in the face, sending her flying as Murasa snatched the entire bag. Then the entire group anchor-surfed down the stairs, with Elly kidnapping Myon again and using it as a snowboard.
?Where to?? Yuka asked as they reached the bottom.
?Eientei!? Byakuren cheered as she led the group on.
-----
-
When they reached the Bamboo Forest, Ichirin had managed to disappear. Somehow. Nobody really noticed, though.
By the time they made it through, Unzan was gone, and Suwako was also missing from the group. Kanako was worried, but Yuka shrugged it off, saying that she'd find her way out of the forest eventually. In any case, the group approached the main building, where Eirin and Reisen were standing.
?Trick or treat!? Yuka said happily, holding out a sack made of Azathoth's flesh. Reisen nodded and dumped in a fistful of candy, repeating it with the rest of the group, muttering something about ?There's no place like home? and tapping her heels together for some reason.
?Hey,? Sanae complained, pulling out a switchblade. ?You tossed in candy rabbits, but you also threw in old used syringes and medical supplies!?
Reisen and Eirin slowly turned to look at each other. Then they ran inside and locked the door behind them.
Yuka pulled out a candy rabbit and bit its head off, chewed, then inscribed an Elder God sign on the door of Eientei. Before long, the sounds of shrieking could be heard on the inside.
Byakuren, Kanako, and Yuka nodded amongst themselves. ?Well, let's head home, then.?
?You're done after this one?? Yuka asked, surprised.
Byakuren nodded. ?We've got things to do tomorrow. Best to sleep early.?
?Plus, we want to hand out candy!? Nue added, smiling.
?Fair enough.? The group split in two, with Kanako, Sanae, Kurumi, Elly, and Yuka going in one direction, and Murasa, Nue, and Byakuren going in the other.
?We'll drop by later to pick up some candy, then!? Kurumi waved as the Palanquin Ship Crew walked back into the darkness of the Bamboo Forest.
She paused as the shadows seemed to swallow them up. She chalked it up to the Forest's natural quality, though, and trotted after the rest of her friends.
-----
By the time they had left the Bamboo Forest, Kanako had gone missing too. Sanae was worried now, but Yuka said that Kanako had probably just found Suwako and decided to have indecent relations with her in the forest. Sanae accepted this as reasonable, and the group went into the Human Village to trick-or-treat.
?Hey, guys!? Keine smiled and waved. She was dressed in a long green dress and had green streaks in her hair. She also had a huge pair of horns on top of her head, and a bushy tail coming out of the bottom of her dress. ?Have you come for trick-or-treatin'??
Yuka nodded, and Keine led them to the main street where everyone was enjoying themselves with Halloween-related festivities. Kurumi trailed behind them, when...
?Psst.?
Kurumi looked around.
?Over here!? It was Hieda no Akyu, poking her head through her door. She looked around nervously, as if she didn't want to get caught. ?Kurumi Scarlet, come here!?
It took a moment for Kurumi to realize she had been addressed by her full name. ?Yes, Miss Hieda?? she asked, coming closer. Akyu hadn't dressed up for the occasion at all, it seemed. She looked shaky and a bit pale.
?Kurumi, you're a creature of the night,? Akyu muttered, sweat on her brow. ?A vampire.?
Kurumi nodded, looking over to see her group moving on through the crowd. ?Uh, yeah, Miss Hieda, but I kind of have to go no--?
?NO!? Akyu's hand shot out and grabbed Kurumi's wrists. ?You don't understand! Something strange is going on tonight! Some strange, horrible things have come to Gensokyo tonig--?
?What, like the King in Yellow?? Kurumi asked.
?Ahhh!? Akyu gave a slight scream and covered her mouth with her hand. ?Don't say its name!?
?Oh, King in Yellow isn't actually its name. That's Hastu--?
?STOP IT!? she wailed, clapping her hand over Kurumi's face. Kurumi bit her. ?Hey!? she moaned, pulling her hand away from the vampire's mouth.
Kurumi huffed. ?Hastur. You can say it. Yuka killed him already.?
?Killed?? Akyu asked quietly.
?Yeah, along with a whole bunch of other ones, like Y'golonac, Nyarathotep, an' stuf--?
Akyu shook her head. ?No, no! There's still one out there!?
?There... is?? Kurumi blinked.
The teenage historian nodded. ?And it's taking us one by one. Can you feel it in the air??
Kurumi closed her eyes and concentrated on the beating of Akyu's heart. There was something there, constricting her chest... she could feel it herself, but only slightly-- after all, her heart wasn't beating.
?Just... watch out tonight,? Akyu cautioned. ?I would check up on the Myouren Temple, myself. My instincts tell me that something there is not right.?
?But... we just let Byakuren and her crew go back there.?
Akyu paled. ?... check on them. Make sure they're still there. And if they're all gone, then...?
Kurumi nodded slowly. ?Thanks, Miss Hieda.?
?Sure. Look behind you, stay safe. Don't lose anyone else in the dark.?
The historian closed her door as Kurumi ran off to meet her friends, feeling as if there was something coming up behind her, following her every step...
-----
-
?All right, are we done for tonight?? Yuka walked out of the row of houses, with Sanae and Kurumi behind her. ?Hey, where's Elly??
Kurumi panicked for a moment, then heard, ?Right here!? Elly emerged from the thick of the crowd, adjusting her scythe. ?So, are we going to Higan for some more candy??
?No, we shouldn't,? Kurumi said, feeling nervous. ?Can we just go home now and play Actress Again or something??
Yuka looked at her, then sighed and smiled, ruffling the vampire girl's hair. ?Sure. I think we have enough sugar and candy for one night, anyway.?
Kurumi nodded, feeling somewhat relieved that Yuka was with them still, then amused at her relief.
?Oh, but first we should go by the Myouren Temple!? Sanae reminded them.
?Good point,? Yuka said, and they walked down the fast-darkening path to the Temple. Before long, though, they were wandering in the dark, and Kurumi thought she heard noises behind her at every step.
?What is that noise?? Sanae asked, confirming Kurumi's worst suspicions.
?I don't know,? Yuka admitted. ?Elly, did you hear anything??
No response. Kurumi reached out in the darkness, but didn't find her.
?She's gone?? Sanae asked.
?I think we're close to the Temple,? Yuka said, turning back to the path. ?See, it should be just around the corner. I'll look for Elly, you guys head in.?
?No, we should stick together,? Kurumi begged, but Yuka brushed her off and wandered off into the quiet darkness.
Sanae and Kurumi stood there, looking nervous.
?No explosions,? Sanae muttered. ?Something's wrong. Quick, hold on to my hand.?
Kurumi did so, trembling.
?Now let's go to the Temple. At least we might be able to get Byakuren to help find Yuka and Elly.?
As Yuka had said, the Temple was just around the corner, past a small outcropping of trees, but they could barely see it. No lights were on, and the Temple, normally a quiet place of meditation and peace, was eerie and pitch-black.
?This is a really good place to get killed by a serial killer,? Sanae observed.
?Well, it's either that or stay out here,? Kurumi said, shaking. She was thinking of how weak she was. She was just a stage two boss, after all... Sanae was a stage five, but it wasn't the same as having Yuka with her. They had to protect one another at any cost.
Sanae shook her head. ?We might have a better chance out here, but we're getting picked off outside too. Something's after us. Let's at least go inside where we can defend against siege.?
Kurumi nodded, and Sanae pulled her along by her hand to the Temple. They swung the gate open; no sign of Nazrin, or Shou. They crossed the grounds; no sign of Ichirin and Unzan. They pushed the temple doors open; no sign of Murasa, or even Nue.
Their footsteps echoed through the complex. The atmosphere wasn't sombre or calm; it was menacing and dark. Sanae stepped in first, pulling Kurumi along. Kurumi heard Sanae's breathing; it was sharp, nervous.
?It's here,? Sanae muttered, pulling out her gohei. ?I can feel it.?
?Then let's leave...?
?No. It's outside too.? Sanae stepped forward. ?We have to go in. Inside is the source. This way.?
?Can we beat it?? Kurumi asked quietly.
?... I don't know,? the priestess admitted. ?But we have to try.?
The two girls made their way through the Temple, going further up and further in. Kurumi felt what felt like cold breath on her neck, but when she turned, there was no one there. She shivered and continued after Sanae, who hadn't let go of her hand.
They reached the second floor. Now Kurumi began to feel horrible. There was something there in the dark, she knew. It wasn't many things... it was one. It was quiet, a nightmare given form and flesh, fed by its own loathsome evil thoughts, a recursive physical shadow brought to hateful life.
It wasn't Yuka, Kanako, or Byakuren. It wasn't even Yukari. This was... something else. Something... other. Apart. Different. And wrong.
A rustle in the darkness.
?Sanae?? Kurumi muttered.
A light turned on.
The stacked-up bodies of Kanako, Suwako, Ichirin, Nazrin, Shou, Byakuren, everybody-- they were piled up against the far wall. They were still alive, it seemed; the visible flow of energy to the center of the room proved that much.
?Pride is fear of losing to another.?
Kurumi paled in terror. Yuka was slumped against the far wall, Nue lying over her legs. Energy in the form of green sparkles moving through the air was draining from her to the center of the room.
?Fears create youkai.?
Sanae held on to Kurumi's hand more tightly than ever. Her heartbeat pulsed through her grip. Kurumi was too scared to move, run, scream--
?And on this night, a night of terror and fear, the power of youkai grows stronger.?
There was a humming low sound in the back. It was a low rumble against the blackness of the Temple, a perverse moan of dark intent that beat to a constant rhythm, never changing.
?A youkai who doesn't use their power is nothing at all.?
Kogasa turned towards them, a sick wide grin on her umbrella's face. The mad fire in her eyes shone even more brightly as it met their eyes.
?Surprised yet??
-----
-
Kogasa was the youkai of surprise. On normal days, she was a weakling. On normal nights, she became horrifyingly powerful. And on abnormal nights, she was nigh-omnipotent. On a night like this, she became a god of sorts; every trick anyone pulled on someone, every time a surprising trick was pulled, fed her like a prayer fed a god. And on Halloween, this reached its maximum output.
Against this, Sanae didn't stand a chance. The will of one teenage girl against a creature fed by the universal surprise of Gensokyo? An unlikely contest, though to her credit, one she took on.
Sanae leapt at Kogasa, her gohei shining a bright green in the dim. Wielding it like Youmu wielded Hakurouken, she attacked the youkai, who laughed and blasted her away with a surprisingly fast volley of blue orbs.
?You can't beat me tonight!? Kogasa laughed as Sanae slumped against the wall, sliding down, a slimy trail of her red blood clinging to the wall in her wake. ?Not tonight, when I have the power of a god! Tonight, I'm being fed the surprise of an entire nation!?
Sanae's eyes flew open. ?Gray Thaumaturgy!? she declared, shooting a volley of red and blue stars at her. Kogasa just laughed some more and batted them away with her umbrella.
?What the--? Kurumi stammered as she watched Kogasa zoom over and smack Sanae into another wall with her umbrella, hearing the sound of bone snapping. ?She's monstrous!?
?Don't just stand there, help me! Please!? Sanae yelled as she grit her teeth and slammed an amulet onto her broken right arm. In a flash of green light, her arm was whole again. Kogasa was suddenly there; Sanae gasped in shock. The youkai sneered and pulled her up by the hair, slamming her into the ceiling legs-first. Sanae screamed in pain as her legs shattered; Kogasa then dropped her to the floor as she sobbed in pain.
?Oh, it's you,? Kogasa said, looking bored as she glanced at Kurumi. ?The weak vampire. Just get out of here.?
?You're a stage two boss,? Kurumi muttered. ?How did you get this powerful??
?Faith is a powerful thing.? Kogasa smiled. ?Fear is stronger. Tonight, on Halloween, the dead are celebrated and death is itself feared. Death doesn't ask politely to make an appointment. It's a surprise. The best surprise of all.?
?You're insane,? Kurumi muttered.
Kogasa giggled. ?Well, maybe. Blame Yuka. Her energy is making me slightly crazy, if you will.?
?Rin, Pyō, Tō, Sha, Ka--?
Sanae had only begun to chant when Kogasa was suddenly there again, snapping her fingers back before she could make the nine syllable signs.
?Boo,? she said as Sanae screamed in pain. Kurumi winced.
?Are you just going to stand there?? Kogasa observed, kicking Sanae in the chest. ?You're not going to help at all??
?I can't help,? Kurumi said, her shoulders sagging. ?I'm weak. Just a stage two boss.?
?Hey, don't let being a stage two boss keep you from being powerful,? Kogasa snickered. ?It'd be surprising if you beat me, though, but that would just make me stronger, wouldn't it??
?Oh, how did I get mixed up in this?? Kurumi asked no one in particular, falling onto her knees.
?Eh, that's enough of that,? Kogasa huffed, wiping off her hands onto Sanae's shirt. ?Back to gathering more energy.? She walked back to the group and continued to drain them of their energy. Her umbrella was getting bigger and bigger, and a faint blue aura surrounded Kogasa as she became even stronger. She had to be at least phantasm-level by now.
?Hey... Kurumi,? Sanae whispered. ?Please... stop her. Somehow...?
?Stop your talking,? Kogasa snapped, turning to look at Sanae, who was crawling across the floor, her bleeding, broken legs leaving a trail of blood.
?Please,? Sanae begged. ?You have to stop her... save Gensokyo before Kogasa becomes too powerful...?
?I... can't,? Kurumi said. ?I don't have anything, no spellcards or power--?
?You have that spellcard Flandre gave you,? Sanae said weakly. ?Earlier.?
?It's blank, though,? Kurumi replied, pulling it out. ?I'm PC-98, I don't really understand spellcards...?
?What is that?? Kogasa asked, angry. ?I took everyone's spellcards away. You got one past me. Interesting.? Kogasa hefted her umbrella, holding it like a lance. ?Hand it over, or Sanae's going to get it.?
?Stop her!? Sanae yelled, closing her eyes and glowing with bright green light. When it cleared, Sanae was back on her feet, holding her gohei like a sword.
?Kurumi, charge her! You use that spellcard! I'll back you up!?
?A last stand, eh?? Kogasa grinned. ?Sounds like fun!?
?Rin, Pyō, Tō, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen!? Sanae chanted, her gohei lighting up with green fire. ?COME ON!? she declared, extending her hand to Kurumi. ?I know you can help me beat her. Let's do this together!?
Kurumi shook her head. ?I'm so weak, though.?
Sanae laughed. ?Kurumi, you're the only one I have left. Not even Yuka was able to escape Kogasa, but you did. And Kogasa is also a stage two boss. You can help me, Kurumi! I believe in you!?
The vampire blinked, looked down at the card, and then looked back up.
?... really??
?Really.? Sanae grinned. ?Now let's go and bring this bitch down.?
?... yes!? Kurumi nodded, taking her hand and getting back onto her feet.
Kogasa snickered. ?You're daring to challenge me? Okay.? She hefted the umbrella, facing it at Kurumi point-first. ?I'll kill you, just so you know.?
?I'm undead,? Kurumi pointed out, her claws extending. ?Remember, I'm a vampire! And we're full of surprises!?
Sanae nodded. ?Let's go!?
"Let's settle this." Kogasa charged forward, throwing her umbrella like a spear--Kurumi's shoulder exploded in a shower of blood. She grit her teeth and charged, her claws ready to slash--
?AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--? Kurumi screamed.
"RAAAAA--!" Kogasa howled.
"Sea cucumber!" Sanae said.
A hand-sized slug, presumably a sea slug, appeared an inch in front of Kogasa's face. It plopped on. Kogasa stumbled, ripped the thing off, and saw, too late, that Kurumi had the final blow.
She slapped her only spellcard onto Kogasa's chest. ?LAST WORD!? she declared as Kogasa began to panic, and rightfully so. A hellishly bright red aura surrounded Kurumi as the spellcard lit up with energy.
?VERMILION CITADEL - WAVE MOTION GUN!?
-----
Five minutes later
?Good going,? Sanae muttered. ?I think you broke Gensokyo.?
Kurumi looked at the huge wall in Gensokyo's reality she had just blasted open.
?So it seems. So it seems.?
?... I'd better put it back,? the priestess said, waving her gohei.
-----
?So... Kurumi Scarlet really is your name?? Byakuren asked. They were sitting around on the Myouren Temple's roof, having a picnic. Kogasa was forcibly providing shade. She had been tied up and stretched out over the roof.
Kurumi nodded. ?Remilia is my cousin. And unlike her, I really *am* a descendant of Tepes.?
?My, my,? Yuka laughed, punching Kurumi's shoulder. ?Looks like you really are powerful inside, after all!?
?How surprising,? Kogasa muttered, annoyed. Murasa hit her with an anchor.
?I have to wonder, though,? Kurumi pondered as everyone else ganged up on Kogasa, using her as a pi?ata. ?Kogasa was possessed by an Elder God... but we didn't summon it. How did it get here...??
-----
?Ooh, tough luck, Yumemi. Azathoth has woken up. All investigators are devoured in a wave of... pure fun. Game over.?
Yumemi sighed and tossed her dice to Chiyuri. ?Geez, this new expansion is such a pain.?
?Could be worse.? Renko sipped from a cup of tea. ?We could live in a world where all of this horrible stuff was possible.?
?Good thing we don't live in a place that's powered by people's disbelief or something!? Maribel grinned.
In the background, Kana hung a lampshade and went to order some pizza.
I officially have no idea where I was going with this.
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/3969/6326661.png)
Regardless, Happy Halloween to all!
Though Serp did want to see me turn a funny story into a horror fic, then whiplash back to funny. I hope this is a step in that direction.
-
...I'm really, really happy that I mentioned Osaka and the Yellow Sign and Kanako mentioned The King in Yellow on IRC today~<3
-
...I'm really, really happy that I mentioned Osaka and the Yellow Sign and Kanako mentioned The King in Yellow on IRC today~<3
You should be.
Unlike Kaorin, though, I think Yuka would happily beat the shit out of Hastur. Yuka is basically the reason why I can type Hastur over and over again without fear of consequences. Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Ha
-
Hooray~<3 Yuka is the sort to do that kind of thing~
Oh, Kanako and I have been having a lot of fun with Lovecraft on IRC. Kanathoth and Nyarjanthotep really enjoyed making the best of the end of Halloween.
-
"Bleh, lighthearted comedy isn't my strong point. I doubt any of my more specific ideas would make for a fun story."
When you asked me for any further ideas, I had this reply typed up, but I deleted it unsent. So, you can imagine that I'm rather... surprised. :3 Pleasantly so, of course. You have a very distinctive style, Ruro.
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I stopped reading it after the Alice bit. Fuck you. :P ;)
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Love. Lessthanthree.
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Why did you not tell me you wrote the newest installment? :< This was great as always. Your fic single-handedly made Kurumi from simply a pretty face into someone made of pure undistilled AWESOME.
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I was expecting a new story thanks a lot Donut >:(
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I was expecting a new story thanks a lot Donut >:(
DX
As was I.
-
[19:30] <Reisen-Rurongein-Inaba> Rou: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVtuD4aWDT8#t=4m0s, twenty seconds in.
[19:30] <Keine> Title: YouTube - SMA Series Episode 9 (at www.youtube.com)
[19:31] * Roukan will now see Shou speaking in this voice for all time.
[19:32] <Reisen-Rurongein-Inaba> "This isn't a cult! This is ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!"
[19:32] <Roukan> "THEY WILL BE MISERABLE LIKE ME!"
Anyway, Rou wanted an A-Team parody. Rou is getting an A-Team parody.
You'll need this (http://www.megaupload.com/?d=417KDDJX). Hold on to your seats, folks, this is gonna be one HELL of a ride!
Part One - Prologue
?Oh, I can't wait to make people repent today!?
Shikieiki Yamaxanadu stood on the shores of Muenzuka, watching the sun rise. Her long, gorgeous, sexy green hair fell over her shoulders, still a bit wet from her daily morning purification bath in the waters of the Sanzu. She was dressed in her usual outfit, and she stood there, letting the warmth of the sun dry off her hair. The bottom of her skirt moved in the breeze, exposing her long, sensual, soft but firm legs that just make everyone who sees them want to push her down onto a hammock, pull her dress up, and strok--
... oh, whoops. Lost my head for a moment there.
The beautiful judge of the dead looked out over the field of Higanbana as the sun rose. But as the first rays of sunlight shone out over the plain, ominous music began to play, and she started to feel uneasy. She felt something stirring...
?Something is... wrong...? Shikieiki murmured as she narrowed her eyes.
?Dats right, biyatch!?
Shikieiki looked up, only to see the briefest glimpse of an eggplant umbrella strapped to the back of someone with a black, ski-masked covered head before a wooden sandal smashed into her head and she lost consciousness.
-----
The Netherworld, Hakugyokurou Pagoda
"This is terrible!" Youmu exclaimed, shoving a picture into Yuyuko's face as they sat at the table together. Aya, who had flown by with the latest news, had brought it to her. It showed Shikieiki bound and gagged, with several fairies standing astride her, switchblades at the ready to cut her down if she tried to escape. The note was written in cut-out Bunbunmaru Newspaper clippings pasted on it.
"'If chu eva want ur shikibitch back den couff up ten million faith pointz'," Yuyuko sounded out, doing her best to try and read the note.
"That's so gangsta," Youmu muttered. "Who the heck writes like this in Gensokyo?"* (http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/300/gangstasuho.gif)
"No idea," Yuyuko replied. "It seems familiar, but..."
"Well, we have to rescue her!" Youmu snapped. "It's time for us to form the Netherworld team again!" She stood and put her hand in a fist over her heart. "For great justice! The best scoring team in Gensokyo returns!"
"Can't," Yuyuko said, eating a slice of fried eggplant. "I promised to teach Kogasa techniques to surprise people today."
Youmu looked at her and facepalmed.
As Yuyuko went off to get ready for the day, the half-ghost flew over and out the Netherworld Gate, absentmindedly wandering across Gensokyo as she wracked her brain for a solution to the problem. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the Judge of the Dead, was missing, and without her legs lawfulness, Gensokyo would surely descend into chaos!
Eventually, she began to get hungry again, and so she went to the nearest restaurant.
"Oh, Youchrist!" Youmu exclaimed as she sat at a table in at Myouren Temple Vegetarian Bar and Grille.
"Is there a problem?" A male waiter asked as Youmu banged her head on the table.
"The owner of the best legs in Gensokyo, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu-- she's been kidnapped!" Youmu wailed. "It's a threat to the security of all Gensokyo!"
"Sounds bad," the blonde waiter nodded, putting a strawberry soda in front of the panicking half-ghost girl.
"It's incredibly bad, and the one playable character who would do anything about it is too busy trying to teach umbrella girls better techniques to surprise people!" Youmu complained, turning to the waiter and knocking the soda off of the table with one swoop of her oversized swords. "If only I could find someone to help!"
"You got money?" the waiter asked.
"I can always get a ton of Yuyuko's cash. I balance her checkbook, after all," Youmu replied.
"Then--" the waiter replied, grinning, ripping off her outfit to reveal a slick blue suit jacket, black blouse and slacks, and her true identity as the very female Shou Toramaru-- "You just got yourself the J-Team!"*
*So named for JUSTICE!
In the Summer of 2009 it was revealed that a peace-loving Buddhist monk was sealed up for saving the persecuted youkai from humans. Her friends promptly escaped from a maximum security rock in the underground world of Chireiden to the skies of Gensokyo and rescued her for absolute justice, so declared by the totally righteous Judge of the Dead. Still worshiped by youkai today, they live as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem-- if no one else can help-- and if you can find them-- maybe you can hire...
Kurumi and Elly even though Elly's 90% not in this 3.5.5: The J-Team
Myouren Temple Vegetarian Bar and Grille
"You're the J-Team," Youmu said dimly, looking over at Shou, Yumemi, Komachi, and Kurumi.
Shou grinned. "I'm the leader, Yumemi is the brains, Komachi is the brawn, and Kurumi is the crazy-ass stage two boss who does the Kurumi and Elly comedy show."
Kurumi raised her sunglasses and nodded as she switched the safety off of her 12-gauge shotgun. "Fuck, we're never gonna get to Kurumi and Elly 4 at this rate." She shot into the air, cackling. "Oh well!"
The J-Team stood by Yumemi's TARDIS, now in the form of a large van painted in camouflage with the letters "J-Team" airbrushed in high quality graffiti on the side.
Yumemi grinned, patting the side of the TARDIS. "Looks nice, don't you think?"
"How are you going to get anywhere in that thing?!" Youmu snapped.
"You just leave that to me." Yumemi winked at her.
"Look, we've got to get Shikieiki back," the half-ghost insisted.
"I don't see what the problem is," Komachi huffed. "It's only my workaholic boss."
"It's in the name of ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!" Shou exploded, grabbing Komachi by the shoulders and shaking her.
"I still don't see the problem," the shinigami muttered. "We can get Reimu to do it, she's just down the road."
"No, Komachi, this is an insult to the ideal of JUSTICE!" Shou replied, rolling up her sleeves and getting into the van as Kurumi hopped into the driver's seat.
"But you don't know where to go!" Youmu protested.
"Sure we do!" Yumemi exclaimed. "I'll just track the letter's passage through time with the TARDIS, back to the sender! Ahahahahaha!"
"Let's get this party started, punks!" Kurumi exclaimed, flooring the accelerator and smashing the van out of the temple in a thunderous explosion of lumber.
-
Part Two - the Brown Derby Jump
BGM - ?Brown Derby Jump? by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Jump
Jump, jump, jump
The J-Team TARDIS roared out onto the open road of Gensokyo's only street, smashing aside fruit carts and roadside vendors, going on the opposite side of the road and causing humans and youkai alike to jump out of the way, carts flipping over and bursting into flame in its wake.
A few hundred implausible explosions later, the TARDIS screeched to a halt in front of "Bad Applebee's."
Jump
Jump, jump, jump
With a dramatic headwind in front of them, blowing their hair back, Shou, Komachi, Yumemi, and Kurumi strode forth from the van, the camera circling around them with contemporary swing music playing in the background.
A Nameless Fairy guarding the front door briefly considered challenging the four. Other nameless fairies lounging around the restaurant shared the sentiment as they watched the J-Team approach.
Komachi narrowed her eyes and twirled her wickedly sharp scythe in her hands.
She was a woman of mystery
The Nameless Fairy squealed and fled. The murmuring stopped.
Shou kicked the door to the seedy bar down and walked in with total confidence, sitting at a bar surrounded by at least ten Nameless Fairies.
And what she wanted I could not see
"Gimme a pint," Shou asked as Kurumi and the others entered and dispersed throughout the restaurant.
"We don't serve your kind here." Elly adjusted her low-cut dress, smiling at Shou, a dark gleam in her eye.
"And what kind would that be?" Shou replied as the ten Nameless Fairies around her stood and produced switchblades, clicking them open.
"Bad... meat," Elly replied with a smile.
A three-year trip on the dragon
The next second, Shou had jumped up out of her chair, leapt over the bar, grabbed a bottle of apple cider, and thrown it over the bartender, smashing it into some fairies' heads.
Komachi licked her lips and charged forward, uppercutting two fairies at once in the stomach with the pole of her scythe, throwing them up in the air and then spin-kicking two more over the bar.
'till the clinic had to get me clean
Yumemi charged up her scientific magic and shot the nearest fairies in the back with red crosses.
Kurumi walked over to Elly, reached into her cleavage, and pulled out a cell phone. She copied down Elly's number, put the cell phone back, then took a drink of apple cider from a bottle, set it on fire, and casually tossed it behind her back into some fairies as Yumemi's crosses crashed into them, knocking them down like bowling pins.
We were a party, and always drunk
The sound of a door slamming in the back could be heard as someone tried to make their escape. Shou and Yumemi looked at each other and nodded, leaping over the bar and heading out the back door.
The person trying to run away froze as a red cross almost hit them in the feet.
Turning around, the person's identity was revealed-- Murasa Minamitsu!
Before I knew it, the wreckage sunk
"You'll never stop us!" Murasa declared, reaching behind her back and pulling out a huge anchor. She swung it around, releasing it like a discus. "You'll NEVER WIN!" She leapt up and jumped on its surface, flying away.
Murasa began to laugh hysterically, the laughter stopping short as she coughed and gasped. Her eyes widened; she looked down at her chest and saw a green laser sticking out of her chest, and coughed up point items. She fell off the anchor, smashing into the ground as Yumemi gave Shou a thumbs up.
Shake, trip, shimmy and we'll do the bump
Shou nodded to Yumemi. "Bring out the torture device."
A few minutes later... "Open wide~" Yumemi giggled as she pried Murasa's mouth open with her Sonic Screwdriver. "This won't hurt one bit~"
"NO! NO! Stop it, please!!" Murasa screamed. "I'll tell you anything you want to know!"
Everybody's swingin' to the Brown Derby Jump!
-----
The J-Team TARDIS roared down Gensokyo's only street once again. In her hand, Kurumi held a map, and was following a confused, convoluted trail to a spot marked "HIDEOUT" on the other end.
The beautiful life is always damned
As the van passed the path to the Bamboo Forest, two Nameless Fairies on simple metal-frame bicycles nodded to each other and began to pursue the van.
Kurumi narrowed her eyes as she looked in her rear view mirror and saw the fairies in hot pursuit pulling out machine guns from behind their back. They began firing.
You gotta fall into the quicksand
Grabbing the emergency brake, Kurumi spun the van in a tight arc and leveled her shotgun at the fairy, blowing all her ammo and sending the bike and its rider up into the air. It exploded into a fireball.
As the van slowed to a stop, the second fairy doubled back and began to pedal towards it. Shou climbed out of a window and slung herself onto the roof, shooting a volley of yellow lasers at the pursuing fairy. The fairy raised an arm to block the laser, lost her balance, and the bike exploded in a thermonuclear fireball.
A deadly kiss from a temptress can serve
The J-Team TARDIS van burst though an ornate metal gate, zooming onto the grounds of a completely unbelievable modern mansion located just within spitting distance of Moriya Shrine. Just as everyone was about to pile out, all hell broke loose and bullets began to rain down onto the van. Descending from the skies, an army of Nameless Fairies, led by Nazrin, Ichirin, and Unzan, advanced on the TARDIS.
To make a truly wayward man
The J-Team got out of the right side of the van, using the left as a shield while Yumemi handed out some "toys" to the Team.
?Awwwwwwwwrite, which one o' ya wants a piece o' THIS?!? Kurumi cackled as she cranked her plasma shotgun up to its highest setting and blasted a phalanx of the fairies apart.
Yumemi laughed her best mad scientist laugh, pulled out a cross-shaped gun with strawberry bullets inside, and shot them at Nazrin, watching as she fell down in an explosion of red strawberry filling, along with two dozen other fairies.
She's not a talker, her teeth are fixed
Komachi whipped out her scythe, summoned her Titanic out of the ether, and charged headlong at Ichirin, slashing down hordes of fairies in her way. As Ichirin fled, Komachi reached out and grabbed Unzan by a wisp of cloud and held him in place, swinging him like a club into a battalion of fairies.
Still, the hordes of fairies surged forwards.
But she's a looker that lives for kicks
The shinigami grit her teeth. Tossing Unzan into the crowd into Ichirin's head and knocking fairies down like dominoes, she swept through the advancing army, her scythe flashing as red point items exploded everywhere.
A nightmare straight from an Otto Dix
Without any leaders, the Nameless Fairies looked at each other in confusion. They finally knew fear, and began a hesitant retreat.
Komachi smirked and cracked her knuckles.
The fairies began to flee en masse as Yumemi gave chase in her flying TARDIS van, with Kurumi on the roof, commanding the ship's plasma cannon and firing red fireballs at them.
Everybody's swingin' with the Brown Derby chicks!
-
Shou, seeing her chance, ran into the mansion and ran down the halls, the pagoda of Vaisravana in hand, hoping to run into the final boss. Suddenly, she saw Shikieiki in a room, lying on the floor, bound and gagged, guarded by Nue. The chimera youkai hefted her trident, smiling at Shou as they prepared to have a showdown.
Shikieiki's eyes widened, and she screamed through her gag for Shou to run. But the tiger youkai just chuckled and tossed the pagoda to the side.
Nue looked puzzled. Then she smiled. "Geez, they told me you were a moronic ditz, but I didn't think it was that bad." She came closer.
Do the jump
As Nue stepped over the miniature pagoda, Shou whispered up a quick prayer, and the miniature pagoda exploded with light, lasers flying everywhere.
The chimera youkai burst into flame, screamed, and toppled over, point items exploding out of her chest. The master, looking down from the shadows, scowled for a moment and then fled to her secondary location.
Do the jump
Shou picked up the pagoda and smirked down at Nue. "I'm not as bad as you, at least." She stowed the pagoda away safely in her pocket.
Then she walked over to Shikieiki and untied the blushing green-haired lover of justice.
"Rawr," Shou purred as the sounds of death and carnage from the battle outside sounded in the background.
"Let me show you the true meaning of judgment..." Shikieiki licked her lips as she shivered and pressed herself to Shou, wanting, needing, etc.
"Teach me the ways of justice, baby," Shou replied, lowering the both of them to the ground as a Nameless Fairy smashed into the room from outside, sailing right over their heads.
Everybody do the jump
"OH YES, MY TIGER! THAT'S THE MEANING OF DIVINE JUSTICE! YES!"
Do the jump
"Mmm, those LEGS!"
Do the jump
"SHOU! SHOU! THE LIGHT OF YOUR JUDGMENT IS-- IS--! OH, SHOU--!"
Five minutes later
Shou got up and buttoned up her shirt back up. A hero's work was never done, and the person who had kidnapped Shikieiki still needed to be brought to absolute justice. Looking down at the blushing judge, she gave her a thumbs-up.
I've come a long way and now I'm me
The next second, a black blur whooshed into existence before her.
Short, with blue hair reaching beneath her ski mask, she wore a black ninja outfit and had an eggplant umbrella strapped to her back, but had somehow forgotten to change her bottom, so that her skirt flared out, showing off the second sexiest pair of legs in Gensokyo.
The darkest river that meets the sea
"SAHPRIZE, BITCH!"
Shou raised an eyebrow.
?Wait, is that how gangsta people say 'surprise'? Sahprize.?
The tiger youkai shrugged.
"Okay, so maybe the affected gangsta accent is stupid,? Kogasa said, ripping off her mask and laughing. She whipped out two combat umbrellas. ?Anyway, URAMESHIYA, BITCH!"
And all those lights on the harbor seem
Shou pulled out her spear. Dropping to the floor, she swung the pole and knocked Kogasa's feet out from under her. She wasn't going to let Kogasa hit her with another one of her crazy surprise attacks.
"Let me go!" Kogasa screamed, as the tall tiger youkai grabbed her under the arms and lifted her up. She tried to smash Shou in the head with an umbrella, but Shou saw it coming, and caught it in one hand.
To be sparklin' an' bittersweet
Grinning, the tiger youkai shook her finger no at Kogasa. "That's not very nice!"
The rebellious karakasa bit the finger. Shou responded by smacking her on the head.
Reaching behind her, Kogasa pulled out her eggplant umbrella and snapped it open in front of Shou's face. Surprised, Shou lost her grip and dropped her.
I'm a survivor, my heart is tough
Kogasa landed on her feet, her wooden sandals clacking against the ground. She held her umbrella like a two-handed sword. Shou flicked her hair to the side and hefted her spear again, holding out a hand for balance.
Then they charged at one another, Kogasa swinging her umbrella up like a baseball bat, Shou aiming the blunt end of her spear at the karakasa's chest. Roaring, the two combatants rushed to meet each other-- Shou lunged, Kogasa smashed--
I'm hangin' in there, and that's enough
Shou grazed Kogasa's chest, tearing into her side and leaving a thin red line that began to bleed beneath Kogasa's armpit. The karakasa smashed her umbrella's wooden sandal into the back of Shou's head, dazing her. Shou staggered on a few paces, just long enough for Kogasa to grit her teeth and pounce on her back. The tiger youkai fell, landing on Kogasa. Regaining some of her sensibility, Shou rolled over and forced Kogasa down, and the two rolled around on the ground trading kicks and punches and losing various bits of clothing in the vicious scuffle.
Shou straddled Kogasa and reared up, ready to smash her head in with the pagoda of Vaisravana, but then Kogasa summoned her last resort-- she fumbled in her pockets, pulling out a spellcard, and closing her eyes, she let out a quick incantation --
Shake, trip, shimmy and we'll do the bump
?LIGHTLY FALLING LARGE RAINDROPS!?
Much to Shou's surprise, Kogasa began to glow with wild blue light, going into her EX Mode. The karakasa grinned as Shou lost her grip on her, and she drew her umbrella, ready to explode lasers right in front of Shou's face. But then--
Everybody's swingin' to the Brown Derby Jump!
?Frognuke!? Shou yelled, destroying Kogasa?s first spellcard. It vanished in a puff of power items.
Kogasa looked at her, then pulled out a second card. ?GUERILLA TYPHOO--?
?FROGNUKE!?
Kogasa looked like she was about to cry as she pulled out her last spellcard, but she quickly regained her confidence. ?Well, you don?t have any bombs left now, do you?! KARAKASA SURPRISING SL--?
?ABSOLUTE JUSTICE!? Shou roared as she blasted Kogasa in the face with the light of Vaisravana. She tried to get up, but behind her, Yumemi?s cape fluttered into view as the scientist stepped on her umbrella.
Jump
Jump, jump, jump
The karakasa paled as she suddenly found herself facing the whole J-Team, who were standing over her, looking beat-up and glowering.
"It's over, Kogasa," Shou panted as she leveled her spear at the karakasa's throat.
Do the jump
Do the jump
Do the jump
"Oh no it isn't!" a voice cried out from the rafters.
Looking up, the J-Team found themselves staring at the shadowy true final boss---
Everybody do the jump!
--Byakuren Hiziri!
"Byakuren-san?!" Youmu cried out, completely confused as to how she was suddenly back in the plot after all these paragraphs.
"That's right!" Byakuren exclaimed. "I'm the one who set up this super 1980's plot to kidnap Eiki-chan!"
"But why?" Shou demanded.
Suddenly the whole room lit up and balloons and confetti fell from the sky.
"CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PLAYABLE IN TOUHOU 13!!!" Byakuren cheered as a dance mix of The Tiger-Patterned Vaisravana began to play in the background and the party got started.
"But that hasn't been announced yet," Shou protested as lingerie-clad Shikieiki and Yumemi fed her some strawberry pie.
"Clerical error. Don't ask too many questions," Byakuren snapped, frowning. "Just take it for what it is."
"In that case, you bet," Shou chuckled, pulling Shikieiki and Yumemi down on top of her and getting out the whipped cream. "Oh man, this is gonna be the best five minutes of my life!!"
-----
-
Part Three - Epilogue
?Man,? Shikieiki observed as she took a long, slow draw on her cigarette. ?These new bosses have, like, no stamina at all.?
?I agree,? Yumemi said as she patted a sobbing Shou. ?Nothing like us dual-shooter game bosses who can go at it on lunatic for twenty minutes at a time.?
Shikieiki and Yumemi looked at each other.
Then Yumemi pounced.
GOOD EN--
?Hold on just a moment!? Elly scowled, walking in front of the curtains. ?I've got a score to settle with you!?
Kurumi poked her head out of the curtains, watching her best friend rail against the fates.
?I'm a PC-98 character, and a fairly unpopular one, like Kurumi here! You'd think my connection with Yuka would get me some love, but NO! In fact, very few people care about me or Kurumi, or even know we exist! This series is the first of its kind, the only one in the western Touhou community featuring us as the protagonists!?
Elly stamped her foot, glaring at the audience of Nameless Fairies and/or MoTK people, depending on where they were reading.
?And if it isn't being constantly under threat of death from my crazy boss, or being killed, reborn and rapidly restored to age indeterminate for the occasional LLS player to fight, or being studiously omitted from Yuka's backstories, or being called Komachi's archetype by dimwitted gamers, or being congratulated for having Bad Apple as a stage theme when it's not even my boss theme, it is being loopholed out of my OWN fanfiction series! And that will not stand! I demand a re-do!?
?Oh, c'mere, you kawaii bitch you.? Kurumi giggled as she scooped up a startled Elly and flew away, her cute vampire wings flapping with joy as the two harried main characters finally got their happy ending.
Somewhere, Orange languished in total obscurity.
GOOD END
-
OH DEAR GOD YES.
That had to have been the funniest thing I've read in awhile.
XD
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This sounds like something I would write, except with Ruro. This obviously makes it better.
That was great.
-
I feel bad for only reading the chapter with Koishi and disregarding the rest.
-
Obligatory picture of this (somewhat :P)
(http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c132/Kerigis/JusticeRiders.jpg)
-
Waiter!Shou reminds me very very heavily of SNK's King.
...This is a good thing, as King is one of my favourite KoF characters.
Again, GJ, Ruro.
-
This was the first thing I read this morning. The rest of my day was magical. GJ Ruro.
-
I'm baaaaaaack~
Kurumi and Elly 3.5.5.whatever the fuck this is
Unidentified Pimpin' Object
-----
"I've never been here before," Yuka said as she walked up the path to the Temple of Myouren. "Awake and conscious, at least." She ruffled Kogasa's hair, and the karakasa giggled.
Kurumi stared, dumbfounded. Ever since the incident with Kogasa going drunk with Halloween surprise power and kidnapping everyone and sucking out all their energy, Yuka hadn't acted the way she would have expected her to act. Instead of tearing Kogasa's head off, she had taken the little youkai under her wing, promising to teach her to "really scare people". Even though it was bright and sunny out, she shivered at the prospect, and decided to distract herself with conversation.
"So, Elly," Kurumi began, "What have you heard about this Palanquin Ship Crew?"
"Let's see... Murasa is a ship captain who panics and throws anchors at things all the time, Shou is a bit of a religious fanatic, Byakuren is a hippie, Nazrin and Nue are the most irritating pranksters in the world, and Ichirin is fanatical for Byakuren... well, all of them are fanatics for Byakuren. And they're all trying to get Kogasa to live with them and not us."
"That's right," Yuka's Clone said, starting to grin sadistically. "They invited us for tea, but if they try to take our little karakasa, I'll be sure to have my fun with them..."
"It's wonderful how you're able to hide your hostility so well," Kurumi muttered, now more scared than ever. But before either Yuka could reply, they had reached the front gates of the Myouren Temple.
They found the door to the temple open, and so they went in as a group. As Kurumi clung to Elly's arm, Kogasa called out into the unlit main room, "Hello, Murasa? Shou-san? Nazrin-chan? We're here for the tea time and the thing you were going to talk to us about... Palanquin Ship crew, are you here?"
"It's Byakuren. She's missing again," a voice called out from a side room. "And we're no longer the Palanquin Ship crew."
With that, Murasa, Ichirin, Shou, and Nazrin all came out dressed in hip-hop clothes, complete with bandannas, baggy pants hanging halfway down their hips so that the tops of their boxers were showing, and gold chains. Shou (wearing only a sarashi, allowing everyone a clear view of the "THUG LYFE" tattoo on her chest) pointed her spear at the Mugenkan group.
"Shou-san," Elly asked in a low voice, "Exactly what is going on, and why are you and the other Palanquin Ship crew dressed like refugees from a Wu-Tang Clan video?"
"Look," the youkai woman in question answered, "I already told you, we're not the Palanquin Ship crew anymore. We're the Palanquin Pimpsters!"
"The Pala-- what?" Yuka's Clone raised an eyebrow.
"Mmhmm," Murasa said. "And I'm no longer 'Murasa.' I'm now 'Homicidal Cap'n M, Cereal Killer,' biiiyyyyaaatch." She flashed her teeth, showing off six fake gold caps.
"And I'm no longer Ichirin," the Buddhist nun added, decked out in gold rings and bracelets. "I'm now 'Brofistin' K'."
"I'm not Nazrin, either," the mouse youkai said, putting on a pair of shades. "I am 'Tiny, Tiny, Bitch-Slapper'." Her tail flicked, showing her blinged-out mouse basket, complete with spinning rims.
"I am no longer Nue," the nue declared. "I am now U.F.Owen!" She sported a pair of brass knuckles and adjusted her "Hey N. Alien" flashing belt.
"And I," Shou finished, "Am 'Kitty Kat S'. And we are..." Shou's voice faltered as Yuka began to snicker. "Yo, flowa girl," she scowled, "You dissin' us?"
"You know," said the flower youkai, "Thanks to Mima and her annoying Tupac obsession, I've learned a thing or two about rap music. And to paraphrase one of the more popular rappers out there, 'you kids ain't nothing but some wanksters'."
"Wanksters?" Ichirin objected. "Listen here, G, I..."
"Calm down." Kurumi waved her hand. "Yuka-sama didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure you'll do great, Bedwetting K, and..."
"That's 'Brofistin' K,' not 'Bedwetting K'!"
"Wait a second, wait a second," Elly said, raising her hands for silence. "How is going from being a ship crew to a gangsta rap group going to help you save Byakuren this time around?"
"Simple," Murasa explained. "Last time we flew our ship through the sky and got beaten up by the shrine maidens and the magician to get to her, and it took us six friggin' stages for her to show up. This time though, through the magical power of gangsta rap, we're going to get her to come out sooner through FEAR. We'll get Byakuren-sama to come back to us by threatenin' to bury a cap in her ass if she doesn't. Here, check this out," she said as she flicked a switch on a huge sound system taking up most of the back wall of the temple. Loud, drum-heavy bass music began to blare from the speakers, and as the Mugenkan group looked on, the five would-be gangsters grabbed their mikes.
After some initial hip-hop posing and the flashing of fake gang signs, Kitty Kat S started off.
...
"Yo! Yo!
UFO got my face on the computer screen
Now every ho and bitch wanna git wit me
But I got no love for hos, imma use them for target practice
So Byakuren Hiziri gonna get impaled in the orifice
If she don't come out of hiding and get back wit her peeps!"
...
At that, Cap'n M, Cereal Killer took center stage.
...
"Hey! I gots my anchor, gonna go, bang her up
Make that punk-assed bitch cry like a lil' pup
I'm sick of waiting and if she don't hurry up
Imma bury a cap in Byakuren's D-cup!"
...
The two continued on with the violent, misogynistic lyrics with bass heavy music continuing to blare in the background, and all the while Brofistin' K and Tiny Tiny Bitch-Slapper kept calling out words like "Yeah!" "What?" and "Biiiyyyyaaatch!"
Four minutes later, the music finally stopped.
"So," U.F.Owen asked, "what did you think?"
"What?" Kurumi asked, the sensitive vampire's ears still ringing.
"I SAID, 'WHAT DID YOU THINK'?"
"I'm not sure," the blonde replied. "Ask me again when that terrible racket ends and the music begins."
"That was the music," Elly pointed out.
"What?" Kurumi asked.
"SHE SAID... aw, screw it," Cap'n M, Cereal Killer sighed and turned to the rest of them. "So what did the rest of you think?"
"Terrible," Elly answered.
"Awful," Yuka's Clone said.
"My god, I'm in the same game as they are," Kogasa moaned, covering her face in embarassment.
"Let me get this straight," Elly began. "The five of you got together to brainstorm, and THIS is what you came up with?"
"Sheesh," Yuka's Clone said. "I think I understand why she keeps ditching you guys."
"I enjoyed it."
Everyone turned in shock to the person who gave the good review.
"Y... Yuka?" Brofistin' K asked, dumbfounded. "You liked it?"
"Absolutely," she said with a charming smile. "I haven't laughed this hard in months."
"Damn it!" the amazon-looking youkai woman screamed as she yanked her bandanna off and threw it to the floor. "I told you guys this wouldn't work! She's out there, possibly in danger, and we can't get to her!" Shou cried.
"We can't give up, Shou," Nazrin said as she put a consoling hand on her friend's back.
"But we're Byakuren-sama's followers, and it's our duty to save her, by threatening homicide if necessary, and..."
"SHOU! NUE! MURASA! NAZRIN! ICHIRIN!" an angry voice shrieked from the doorway. Everyone in the room turned to see a very angry Byakuren glaring at the five wannabe gangsta rappers. Next to her, arm linked with hers, was Sanae Kotiya.
"B-B-Byakuren-sama," Nue stammered, "Um... How much did you hear?"
"Enough!" the nun shouted.
"Oh shit," Murasa swallowed.
Across the room, a very satisfied Yuka smiled as she stood in front row center, ready for the ass-kicking that was about to take place. Kurumi stood next to her, hoping Byakuren would open up a can of whoop-ass on Nue first, and Elly and Yuka's Clone also smiled, hiding their excitement.
"I only left forty-five minutes ago!" Byakuren said angrily. "I only went out for a bagel and a goddamn cup of coffee! I ran into Sanae tending the path up to the Moriya Shrine and when I come back with this wonderful young woman, I hear you five threatening to bury a cap in my D-cup!"
"Um... Yuka-sama," Kogasa said, pulling on Yuka's sleeve. "We might want to leave now.."
"No way!" Yuka answered with a smile on her face. "I am not about to miss this beatdown. Besides, it'll be a good lesson for yo--"
"RAAAAAAAAAAH!" Byakuren screamed, lunging at her crazy gangsta followers.
Due to images of extreme violence and carnage, and the unholy sounds of rending flesh too graphic to be depicted here, we describe for the reader this placid, soothing scene. Ignore the blood and gore, and contemplate blades of grass--
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! BYAKUREN-SAMA, I WAS JUST-- AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!"
--peaceful, waving grass--
"IT HURTS! IT HURTS, OH GOD, IT HURTS!"
--happy, soft, grass--
"BYAKURE-- OW, MY BONES! THEY DON'T BEND THAT WA-- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Yuka's Clone, Yuka, Kogasa, Kurumi, Elly, and Sanae all looked on.
"Pass the popcorn," Kurumi asked Kogasa, watching the scene.
"You got it, biiiyyyyaaatch," the karakasa replied with a smile.
The End.
...
... I should sleep more.
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You weren't going to tell me you made a new Kurumi and Elly...WERE YOU? >:< Oh well, it was pimpin' anyways.
BIYAAAAAAATCH.
-
ilu and stuff
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And this is why actin' gangsta should not be done without proper creds.
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This is the best drawing I have ever done. DELICIOUS!
...But Anathe's $ necklace cannot be beat. D:
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I missed like three stories here.
And I have enjoyed all of them.
So who was Mr. T again?
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I love you so much, Ruro.
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xsd adnoat asked nte to writng more ayatnkri and medians
thins this nect delayed bahtpeter whheeeeeeeeeeeeeee
aaaaaah asdh tyodns ont bitcs
-----
yuakri dna emdadi statnerd taearing off each other scltohas and thnad BEEEEEEESS came
"adah' yelled aykari
"onono" medi frled and ran away
the yoadukis hid ima onw of tyuarki's caps and waitand out tha beeas storm
tnen ghty had wonlg hot yuari sexcans thened
autntil medin readlinzed that she couldmt' go ainto the abtoungardies of gensoyltlo and epxldeod fora some raosn bcase authonr needad pletot decice that looks ltjnke prloeteriat oahahahaha
yjarin kmoacned medint death and so shcf wtnt to vianst yuyajko
"ytukarko ineda yoru bhept" she askden ehr ghostfeainrd/
'waht tou needd" tha gshot ryousponded
'ring badk medi" yuetki sonadbe.d
'kay' yuyujo replidnad brougt back pisoined doll
and ayurki and medin livrad tovgether for all time the dnd
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Kekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekeke
This is the best thing I've ever forced anyone to do. :3
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ho wjat a hppi nedngg
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Ah, what a nice st--wait, bees?!
ADAH
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Ah, what a nice st--wait, bees?!
ADAH
ONONO
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I can barely read this, but the summary in the Fanworks Listing has been changed accordingly >:3
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It's the greatest porn ever written, Ruro. I'm so proud of you. :V
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Aaaah...
Hmm.
WHAT.