Note: I just drank some ale, so I'm pretty high while writing this, please don't mind it and hope I can entertain you as much as possible before I pass out.
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The year of 20xx, chaos arise in the realm of Gensokyo. Plague, horror, demons and the lack of toilet paper had left everyone in despair. Queen Remilia died mysteriously when she was playing soldiers with her beloved sister, Princess Flandre. Princess Flandre tried to overcome her vain, throwing the blood-covered knife in her hand and accepted to be Queen, vowed to protect her sister's throne. Even with her charisma, Flandre couldn't help Gensokyo where now full with youkai. She then seek the rumoured, legendary exorcist who was known by all...
----
"So, what exactly are you doing?"
A young girl in red-white miko outfit, annoyedly asked the black-white witch in front of her, who was painting something on a big board.
"Can't you see it, m'lady? It's our business sign."
"I know it, Marisa. What I'm asking here, is why
my board, the prime advertise of the legendary exorcist who sacrifices herself to kill demons everyday for money, only reads 'REIMU'?"
"Well, I heard they said 'simply the best', m'lady."
The witch turned around, she looked dirty, but her smile was as bright as the sun. However, her mistress, Reimu Hakurei the Lady of Donationshire, didn't seem pleased. Replied to the smile, she hit Marisa on the head and kicked her to the sign.
"Oh, how many times must I tell you we don't treat servants that way, Reimu?"
A strikingly beautiful blondie walked by, complained to Reimu but her eyes didn't show any sympathy to Marisa at all.
"Said the one who doesn't have a servant. What's your business here, Ms.Margatroid?"
"I came to see the grand opening of the Exorcising Youkai Company. Not ready yet, I assume?"
Countess Alice Margatroid, a so-called friend of Lady Reimu Hakurei, looked around. She seemed happy seeing the sight didn't look anything like an office yet. The house that once a shrine was badly rebuilt to have easy access. The furnitures were randomly placed and the sign was collapsed.
"It may look like a nest, but if there is a call, I'm as ready as Princess Yuyuko attending to a feast. Marisa, drinks for Countess Margatroid."
"Surely, m'lady. Which one would you prefer m'lady, cold tea or hot water?"
"Cappuccino is okay. Also Reimu, I have the feeling that you're being cold to me. Say, what if I give you ten thousand yen to invite you to dinner?"
"I don't find any particular reason to be
hot with you Alice. A dinner at your place would be more dangerous than looking at Duchess Hijiri and tell her I love her wig. Thank you very much but I refuse."
Alice tried to say something, but Marisa arrived with something mud-like in a pile. Before she can complain, the phone rang. Reimu quickly grab it and happiness went on her face.
"Yes, certainly, I will be on my way at once."
"Job, m'lady?" Marisa asked.
"Yes, and a damn fine one too. Let's go Marisa, the Queen herself is calling us."
"But how about Countess Margatroid?"
"Oh yes Alice." Reimu turned around, looked at Alice deeply in the eyes and said. "Sod off."
----
The Palace of Scarlet Devil, the house of ex-Queen Remilia and Flandre, is standing proudly near the Misty Lake. This is a good place for royalty, mystery, refined, hard to see and nobody cares about. On the biggest room, placed the throne of the Gensokyo Queen, Flandre Scarlet, the Princess of Destruction.
"So, Sakuya, what's the dinner tonight?"
"Hot cake, your Majesty."
"Yaaay."
On the throne, sit the tyrant everyone scares of: a blond little girl. Flandre is joyfully playing with her right-hand Chief Chamberlain, Lady Sakuya Izayoi. Seeing Reimu, Flandre happily points at Marisa:
"Here you are Reimu, and yes! You bring your monkey too! Let's play, Marissa!"
"Her name is Marisa, you Majesty. Also, what do you need of me?"
"Oh yes, Reimu, Sakuya has bad news."
"Lady Sakuya
is bad news my Queen. What's the matter then, Chief Maid?"
Reimu straightens up, Flandre grabbed Marisa's head and dragged her to the play yard, there s no need of formality any more. Not to mention she doesn't like Lady Sakuya at all. To be honest, when Queen Remilia was alive, Sakuya did her best to take down Reimu, while the miko did the same. The reason for this is not yet known, but rumours said it had something to do with the chest.
"If I was you I'd address me with more respect, Reimu Hakurei. However, for I'm a big person with a big heart and everything around that area, I'll forgive you this time. Listen, recently there are a lot of murder happening in Gensokyo. And Her Majesty has fed up with all the letters complain about our incapability to solve it. This is a very serious trouble."
"So I assume you want me to get rid of the murderer?"
"NO! I want your to find us a good supplier for toilet papers! This is the utmost important issue right now, a crisis! What would we do if there is no toilet paper, Hakurei? That's why Her Majesty had to personally call you, we entrust you to this very dire mission."
"Sorry, so in other words, you want me, the exorcist, to find toilet papers?"
"That's right! And further more, if you can't get any toilet paper until the Queen relieves her damnation, you'll be executed!"
"... I see."
----
Back from the Palace, our heroine instantly gets on the work. She continuously calls everyone she knows, but unfortunately, this is the Dark Age indeed, nobody seems to have toilet paper. People is so desperate they use the newspapers for it, resulting in a certain reporter hang herself outside the Garden of Sunflowers. Reimu isn't the type that would give up early, but this is really beyond her ability. Her servant, Marisa, fixes her a tea and try to comfort:
"M'lady, don't worry, people can live without toilet papers."
"What are you talking about, of course we can't."
"I can, m'lady, so you can too."
"Well, Marisa, let me ask you. How often do you change your bloomers?"
"I've never changed my bloomers m'lady."
"I see, that explains the smell people in 8 meters radius from here mistaking for dead bodies and mushrooms. "
Reimu takes a sip, she's never felt this hopeless. The Dark Age is much worse than she, a noble, could imagine. No toilet paper. How terrifying. This must be the worst crisis ever, and what's more, if she can't find any toilet paper before Queen Flandre goes doing her important task of life, she will have the fastest execution since Lord Yuugi said "There is something afoot in the wind. Is it Satori's foot, or what?".
*Knock Knock*
"M'lady, someone wants to see you."
"Is it a good-looking guy?"
"No."
"A priest?"
"No."
"A blond girl holding Dark Grimoire in her arms, wearing a refined blue dress with golden hair who happens to be Countess Alice?"
"Yes, m'lady."
"Slam the door."
"You are so rude, Reimu. I came here with passi- I mean to help. I heard that the Chief Chamberlain asked you an impossible quest, so I have to rescue my friend!" Alice runs though the door, bashes Marisa to the wall and shouts with a sad voice.
"So you finally want to use that grimoire for something useful, eh? Good, it can help the Queen for one or two sessions...."
"NO! I mean I can help you find a supplier. Actually, I have connection to Makai, remember? My adopted mother, Queen Shinki, just produced a massive amount of toilet paper. If you want, I can ask her to transport some for us."
Reimu looks at Alice with doubt. It's known that Alice has relationship with the most powerful woman on Earth, Queen Shinki of Makai. But she never heard that they're in good term enough to ask for such luxury like toilet paper. Additionally, she doesn't like the look in Alice's eyes.
"Why are you panting like that?"
"What...? No, I'm not aroused or thinking of dirty things or anything, I just broke through the door so, kind of exhausted..."
"Yes... sure... and what do you want from me for this?"
"Well?" Alice's eyes burn with flame. "I just went shopping for dinner and accidentally bought enough for two."
"Ok alright... finally it has come to this hasn't it... a dinner with the biggest raging lesbian pervert in Gensokyo..."
----
A lovely dinner in a lovely room. The wall is decorated with pictures, and the mantelpiece is staging a waltz performed by the fire from Hell. Alice takes Reimu to her seat, and brings out the wine. They carefully behave according to each other's expressions, and the meal is ready: oysters. Reimu enjoys talking about politics and exorcism, politely laughs at Alice's face randomly but when she brings out the dessert: a big strawberry chocolate cake, Reimu starts to feel strange.
"So, my dear Reimu. I bet you didn't know how oysters can be natural aphrodisiac, huh? The truth is, I have a crush on you for a long time. I guess you knew it, but rightfully deny. Reimu, you seemed too keen on money and your mind is too full of sarcasm to understand, I have to do this. I... I love you, Reimu."
Alice holds her hands, Reimu startles. Her face turns a bit red and with the candle-lit light, becomes extremely cute. Alice leans towards, reduces the distance between her and Reimu's lips, however...
"Before you go on with the fornication Alice. I need to go to the lavatory."
"What?"
"Your damn oysters are expired, git! Give me the damn toilet paper."
She then grabs the toilet paper from Alice, who's still stunned and runs out the room. Nevertheless, another mission was completed by our heroine, the Queen is much pleased and of course, her rival Sakuya has to work more on her evil plans.
