(Yes, I know, I'm pretty sure handling corpses is a no-no in Buddhism or something, but it's Gensokyo. We can assume there's no untouchables here, since it's Gensokyo. RENTLESSLY LIGHTHEARTED GENSOKYO.)
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CRUNCH.
By some miracle, the five men in the car hadn't been pulped into a red goo the very second the hot rod touched down. When Frylock asked Rinnosuke about it, it turned into a ten-minute long spiel on Gensokyo's physics and the car's magical abilities before David stopped screaming like a girl long enough to tell them to shut up.
?So, uh, Rinnosuke, man. Where are we headed?? The Dude asked, wheeling through the forest's road, pedal still to the metal. The sooner they were away from that ship, the better, and every second the sight of the ship got smaller in the rear-view mirrors, he felt much better about not getting shot by G-Men. Much to his surprise, the hot rod still handled like a dream, even after having crash-landed several thousand feet onto a muddy path with rocks the size of Walter's fists jutting out everywhere.
?Keep going straight,? Rinnosuke said. ?We're headed to a place called the Hakurei Shrine, we need to warn the priestess there about those... men. She's dealt with stuff like this before.?
?O... kay. So, uh, why were you tied up back there, anyway, Rinnosuke, man?? The Dude was only a tad bit nervous at handling prisoners. It's a Zen thing, forgiveness and all that... or something. Whatever, man.
?It's a long story. Okay. So, are you familiar with alternate universes? Besides the fact you're, you know, in one.?
?Mmm,? the Dude said, absolutely, positively not listening. At least he wasn't alone. The Heavy and David immediately zoned out as well, the latter due to traumatic experiences in alternate dimensions that were rather unpleasant. Frylock, on the other hand, was listening with rapt attention.
?Okay. So. Okay. I'm... okay, a shopkeeper in Gensokyo. As far as I can tell, all iterations of me are shopkeepers. I run a second-hand goods store here ? or, more accurately, all iterations of me ? and I can determine the function and purpose of any object, which is very useful for my line of work. Anyway, by chance, I received some sort of spherical object. What it does is shunt whoever uses it into a similar, but different, version of their home dimension. Unfortunately, I don't know HOW to use it, which, as it turned out, was activated by touching it. So, now, I'm here.?
?What were you doing on that ship, man?? The Dude tried to fish a joint out of his bathrobe, but every time he took his eyes off of the road, the car always seemed to direct itself to the nearest tree.
?The device, for some reasoned, dumped me there. It's a place called the Palanquin Ship, it's captained by a ghost of a drowned girl and commanded by a Buddhist weirdo. She, uh, owned this car. Anyway, so it dumped me there, and her disciples caught me and thought I was trying to rob back the stuff I... er, this universe's Rinnosuke sold them. I... apparently don't have that great a reputation here.
Suddenly changing subjects, Frylock asked about nature of the object's function, which turned into a very long and very confusing conversation about quantum mechanics, multiverses, particles that may or may not exist, cats being abused by scientists and put into poison-filled boxes, clones, and completely incomprehensible equations. Even Rinnosuke wasn't sure what he was talking about.
?AAAARRRRGH! STOP BABY TALK, HEAD HURT!? The Heavy screamed, reaching out to grab and crush Rinnosuke's throat into tiny pieces. Frylock stopped the Heavy's meaty fist with one fried appendage.
?Not a good idea, big guy.?
The Heavy spent the rest of the trip muttering low insults in Russian.
?So, what is Gensokyo, anyway?? David asked, after five minutes of annoyed silence.
?Okay, let me put it this way... instead of technology advancing like where you people come from, magic was advanced. Wait, never mind, we still have Lunar tech and the kappa and those weirdo scientists hiding in some ruins... okay, you know what? Just say it's Japan, just magical.?
?Okay,? David grunted, going back to trying to hypnotize himself by watching the endless row of trees.
?That reminds me, I never got your names,? Rinnosuke said, getting an annoyed grunt out of David. ?Okay, I'm pretty sure 'annoyed grunt' isn't your name.?
?David Wong.?
?...You don't look related to Meiling...?
?I'm not going to bother asking who the Hell Meiling is, but yeah, I know, I'm not Chinese. I changed my name.?
?Why??
?Listen, David's one of the most common English names ever, and Wong's one of the most common Chinese surnames. You try looking me up on Google or some phone book, and you're bound to get fifty billion different David Wongs who aren't me. End of story.?
?Fascinating. What about you, Russian Man??
?I AM HEAVY WEAPONS GUY, AND THIS-? The Heavy spent several seconds struggling to get his minigun from under the seats, before raising it proudly (and accidentally clocking David in the jaw with the barrel) ?-IS MY WEAPON.?
Rinnosuke looked over the gun, adjusting his glasses. ?...Fascinating,? he murmured much more quietly, spending a few seconds, praying to various Japanese deities that the Russian man didn't tear his face off. When he was sure that the deities granted his wish, Rinnosuke turned to the driver and asked for his name.
?Just call me the Dude, man. Everyone calls me the Dude. If you wanna go for the formal route, since I hear Asians are really big on this formal thing, then go for 'His Dudeness' or 'Dude-no-Sensei', man.?
?...Fascinating,? Rinnosuke said. Well, at least it was better than his first meeting with Marisa and her friends. These men didn't seem very interested in robbing him, after all.
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The Temple of Myouren had taken massive damage. Those strange men's metal weapons did something to the ship. Smoke and fire poured from places Byakuren hadn't thought flammable, and even after flying through several conjured rainstorms that soaked everything to their core, the Temple stayed alight. Even Murasa wasn't able to keep it afloat, but Ichirin called upon Unzan to set it down. In a second, massive, cloudy fists wrapped around the hull, still some meters away from exploding itself all over the countryside, and gently placed the ship near a human village. (Much to Nazrin and Rinnosuke's disappointment. They had been hoping for a cinematic brace-and-crash that would leave a jagged scar on the forest floor and maybe a few broken bones.) Almost immediately, a raggedy child, cheeks tear-streaked and eyes red, came running from the forest, begging them to come quickly, saying that their village had suffered an attack by strange men with loud metal weapons.
Byakuren and company had reached the village just in time. By some miracle, no one but the attackers ? the very same men that had stormed the Temple, down to their strange weapons and uniforms - were killed. A few were gravely wounded, yes, but Byakuren healed them with ease.
?Who'd do such a thing?? Rinnosuke mused aloud as she helped Nazrin and Shou drag the attackers' corpses to a raging bonfire, somewhat annoyed at doing dirty work. Unlike all the previous ?Incidents?, as so labeled by Gensokyo's inhabitants, no one was ever killed (not counting the Hourai immortals), and it never became anything serious beyond bruised egos, a few new youkai joining Gensokyo proper, some minor power balancing, and a spot of tea at the Hakurei Shrine.
Of course, for some bizarre reason, many youkai and humans ? who'd never even seen any spellcard battle in their lives ? would insist these Incidents were dead serious and often horrific. Battles for survival, for lives, for Gensokyo itself, and ending in bloodshed, horror, sweat, and tears, and what Reimu fought were not pleasant youkai, but insane, man-eating psychotics who would inflict evil deeds upon everyone and everything ? and some of those would insist the Miko and her allies were no better than the youkai she fought. (Rinnosuke decided she would stop selling Outside World fiction to all the children after this.)
Maybe the Incidents would change with this... these men were invading with intent to kill. Someone was Hell-bent on murdering everyone, and if they were powerful enough to send an army of these men, they surely had more tricks up their sleeve. Nazrin's injury was a first in these Incidents (again, barring Mokou and Kaguya) ? someone had been wounded. What's more, her attacker shot with intent to kill...
Nazrin and Shou, who had considerably changed their attitude towards Rinnosuke after she clarified the mystery of the second Rinnosuke, immediately threw out their suggestions as to ?who could do such a thing?: Moriya Shrine conspiracy, magic gone horribly wrong, Yukari being bored, Ex-Rumia being a douche, Eirin's shady new drug, Lunarians trying to invade for God-knows-what.
?Saying things like that are forbidden,? Rinnosuke admonished.
After the bodies were disposed of and the villagers gave their accounts of how they bravely held against the evil horde, Rinnosuke immediately put up a bounty on the suited men. She had first announced it in the village square ? two thousand yen for every stranger killed, an extra two thousand if they retrieved their pistol, which, given how refined metals were from the outside world, would be of great value to the various ironsmiths and foundries in Gensokyo. Children were disallowed from participating, and any child who tried to join in the culling would be beaten, sternly lectured to in a manner that would make the yama cry, and would be sent to bed without supper.
The sooner these men were wiped out, the better.
One of the children ran up to Rinnosuke, tugging at her shirt and looking up at her with the most adorable eyes.
?Papa says there's gunna be a waaaar, is there, Miss Shopkeeper?? It squeaked.
?It's not a war, child. It's pest control.?
Immediately upon declaring the bounty, Shou and Nazrin volunteered to accompany Rinnosuke on her hunt, over the protests of Byakuren. Nue joined in as well. Ichirin and Murasa refused, staying behind to repair the ship. Before Byakuren could cast magic to retrieve the trio from their impending suit-guy massacre, Nue whisked the group away somewhere, her presence-warping tricks preventing Byakuren from forcibly recalling them back.
Byakuren was, suffice to say, in real need of mind-clearing meditation.
When Rinnosuke's small task force disappeared, leaving behind a very annoyed Byakuren, the small child smirked.
Phase one complete.
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?Aw, shit, they're already here!?
The hot rod pulled up to the bottom of the Shrine's steps, where there was a mess of Smiths crawling everywhere on the steps and in the Shrine itself. It was on fire and creating smoke of a rather interesting color. The Smiths themselves were smashing anything that wasn't on fire, with an oddly straight face. You know, typical madman behavior.
?Greeaaaaat... alright, we need to get into the Shrine and get anything we can that'll help us defend ourselves better: ceremonial swords, orbs of any sort, gohei, staffs, knives, anything that can look like they can kill. If those men are here, that means they're probably in quite a few other places and this isn't going to be the last we'll see of them.?
?Thanks, Captain Obvious,? David said.
Rinnosuke ignored David's insult and adjusted his glasses dramatically. ?Alright, Dude, get us up there-?
The Dude punched it. Again. Surprisingly enough, the car didn't vibrate like [insert gratuitous, completely inappropriate reference to sex toy operation here] as it flew up the steps, pasting the Smiths who didn't get out of the way in time.
The hot rod crashed right through a flaming screen on the temple, flinging off a few Agents that had been on the car when they were hit. Immediately, Rinnosuke leapt out and began ransacking everything in sight, flinging open rooms, tearing up panels, diving in the wardrobes and sniffing pan-
?What the fuck are you doing?! Are you insane?!? David shouted at him. ?You're going to get shot!?
?Oh, right.? Rinnosuke dropped what he was holding and went back to wantonly ransacking everything.
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I swear to Christ, this guy is even dumber than John.
Between staying in the car ? which was perfectly safe from all of Hugo Weaving's potshots at us ? and leaping out into a burning Shrine to search for weapons that probably aren't there and possibly getting blown away and left to rot in some Japanese animeland, I did the right, reasonable, and rational thing.
Leaping out of the car, nearly tripping over a burning beam, I began tearing everything I could find alongside this Rinnosuke guy.
Hey, this being anime, it should be retarded enough to work. And sure enough...
?Nice find,? Rinnosuke said, giving me a look and adjusting his glasses and acting as if Hugo Weaving wasn't shooting at him.
It was a Smith and Wesson revolver. Model 29. The same exact revolver Dirty Harry used. Okay, not the exact one, but stop being a smartass, you know what I meant. It felt old, like I just reached into a history museum and yanked out a priceless artifact, and it had this weird, waxy preserved... aura, to put it. The Soy Sauce told me it's been here for 211 years, two hours, and nine seconds, despite this model only having been made, what, forty, fifty years ago? This Gensokyo place was weirder about physics than I thought.
Beneath it were ten already-loaded moon clips and a shitload of bullets ? 108, to be exact, thanks, Soy Sauce, for doing all this useless information counting for me.
Much to my complete lack of surprise, when I was done stuffing speedloaders and bullets into every available pocket, another Hugo Weaving had jammed their pistol to my face, smiling at me from behind the barrel. The revolver was stuffed into my pocket, and knowing who Hugo Weaving was, if I reached for it, I'd be saying 'hi' to the Pearly Gates or whatever the crap waits for me in death.
I gave another manly scream.
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The Dude, in the meantime, was a bit smarter, preferring to stay in the car and crush Smiths and repeatedly run over their bodies in a wanton act of cruelty. He sent the last Smith plowing into another side room, filled with boxes and junk and GOOD NEWS it was empty of Smiths.
?Well, who dares, wins,? the Dude muttered, crawling out of the hot rod, along with the Heavy. They did need weapons if they wanted to get out of the car more often, and these boxes looked like they held a lot of things.
By the good graces of whatever deity was watching over them, the first box that the Dude ripped apart yielded something interesting.
It was faintly glowing, and looked, well, just like the yin-yang symbol, and was about the same size as a bowling ball. The Dude picked it up ? yup, heavy, just like a bowling ball. He dropped it, and the resulting shockwave left him buried in a pile of wrecked cardboard boxes and weird Asian junk. As soon as he freed himself, he picked up the strange orb. He wasn't that good at beating people, except maybe whiny nihilists, but if there was anything he learned from watching Walter beat the shit out of those nihilists the night Donny died, a thrown magic bowling ball was the best he'd get here.
Stumbling out of the storage room and leaving the Russian behind, he found another of those suit guys about to execute David. Who were these suit guys? IRS?
Whatever. It was gut check time.
?Hey, catch!? He shouted.
The Agent turned, just in time to catch the Yin-Yang orb with his face.
Time for a completely unnecessary, prose-destroying exposition dump: yin-yang orbs really aren't. They're more like medallions made to be thrown at evil spirits and demons and men and other malcontents. The Hakurei Shrine is well-known throughout Gensokyo for its pre-spellcard weaponry, back when fights were settled with good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Said weaponry was powerful, but non-lethal ? youkai extermination was in-name only for thousands of years.
This Ying-Yang orb was the very same orb Reimu had used to her first descent into Makai after the first time the Shrine had been destroyed under her care. (For some reason, it was far lighter for her than anyone else.) After that round of beating everyone in Makai senseless, Reimu had slapped a homing spell on it, so it'd hit its target dead-on and boomerang back to its user after the attack instead of ricocheting everywhere but to the miko (or, if Reimu was particularly unlucky, it'd always smack her in the groin). It was heavy, but the Dude, being an avid bowler and all, found it perfect for throwing.
Now, back to the face-crunching action.
The yin-yang orb immediately turned the Agent's face into a pulp (since the Yin-Yang orb wasn't so non-lethal towards evil people, that exposition was a lie) and gently glid back to the Dude's hand.
?Sweet. I wonder how much this'll go for,? the Dude murmured, looking over the orb.
There was the unmistakable click of guns being readied behind him, and for some reason, the Dude just had to turn around. And just like that, nearly thirty suit men had those gigantic, oversized guns out and jammed at his face, ready to turn him into swiss cheese.
What the weird suits didn't notice was the Heavy standing behind them all with that even more ridiculously oversized gun of his, covered in what looked like brightly... colored... cards?
?POW! HAHA,? The Heavy roared as he yanked the trigger.
Suddenly, the room exploded in a slurry of brightly colored bullets. It was like someone gave LSD to an MIRV and detonated it. By some miracle, the Dude and David were miraculously untouched. Russian hugged his now spellcard-covered minigun. ?YOU DID WELL,? the Heavy cooed. (Well, cooed as quietly as a gargantuan dumbass who often deafened Medics can coo.) The Dude, for his part, tried to hide the fact he wet his pants.
The three stood there, as if waiting for something to happen, when Rinnosuke suddenly gasped in ecstasy, stepping over the shredded, gory mess that used to be the Agents on the floor. He held, in his hands, something that looked like like a giant, pure black sword, impossibly, wickedly sharp. And it looked like it was made of blades. Knives jutted out of the handles, and those knives were made of knives.
?It's... perfect,? Rinnosuke moaned, his mind convulsing in how perfect it was. In fact, he was so deep in rapturous, torturous, glorious agony that he didn't notice one of the Agents rise from the ground, moan in guttural Russian, and raised his hand to turn Rinnosuke's mind into jelly.
He didn't notice the beams of lightning come from Frylock and zap the zombified Agent several kilometers into the sky, and it took several slaps from the Russian to drag Rinnosuke out of his orgasmic joy over a stupid phallic symbol.
Rinnosuke tried to pretend like nothing happened.
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The ransacking continued, but there really wasn't much to find. Aside from comprimising photos of the ?Reimu? person that took care of the Shrine (which Rinnosuke took an unhealthy interest in), the group had also grabbed sacks of rice, canned meat, all the moonshine and sake possible, and anything that looked like it could probably kill someone, ?Reimu?'s precious gohei collection included. Not even the outside of the Shrine was spared, the five trampling all over the Zen garden and the pond behind the Shrine.
The Dude was trying to half-assedly fish with one of the gohei things when an old turtle (probably a hundred, maybe more) suddenly popped out of the water and stared at him.
?Hey, uh. Don't mind us. We're just looking for something to eat.? This gohei thing just wasn't fit for fishing, wasit?
Much to the Dude's surprise, it said something in response. It was Japanese, in an old man's wheezing, whistling drawl.
?Hey. Uh, Rinnodude? Can you translate what he's saying??
Rinnosuke jogged over, gulping down the last supply of Reimu's liquor. ?Oh. He's asking what we're doing here.?
The Dude scratched his chin thoughtfully. ?Uh... it's going to sound crazy, but I actually come from... another world! Yeah. I'm a visitor.?
The turtle... the Dude read somewhere it was impossible for turtles to make facial gestures, but this... shelled dude was actually smiling at him. It said something, coughing.
?He says you should stay in Gensokyo for a while, provided you avoided Reimu for wrecking her Shrine. It's the third time this month. He's right, you know. It's actually a nice place, provided you ignore all the racism from humans and youkai towards each other.?
?Yeah, well, maybe when we're not not the sort in a hurry, man. That's why I like turtles. They take it easy, y'know??
The turtle said something. ?He says you're a Zen natural, and that you even look the part.?
?Gee, uh, thanks... sensei?? The Dude scratched his chin again. This Buddhist thing sounded like a cool thing back in college, and it wouldn't hurt to try now. Better late than never was the Dude's personal motto regarding educational pursuits, something that got him kicked out of unversity.
The turtle laughed a wheezing laugh and said something again, before breaking out into an unmistakable shit-eating toothless grin.
?He says he's too empty-headed to be anyone's teacher.?
?Oh, come on, man. You've been here... for... years, man, and you're talking to me about Zen already...?
The turtle was still smiling, saying more Japanese. The Dude, of course, didn't know what he was saying, but it sounded rather deep.
?He likes you.?
?Hey, man, I'm not into those sort of things.?
The turtle burst into more wheezing laughs. The Dude actually thought he was dying for an uncomfortable minute.
?He says he and you are going to get along,? Rinnosuke said. ?He's asking if he can come along on our adventure, get back at those bastards for burning the Shrine,? Rinnosuke continued, before asking something back in Japanese. After some back and forth, Rinnosuke sighed. ?This is Reimu's old pet. His name's Genji. She used him when she didn't know how to fly.?
?Wait, how can people fly here??
?Magic. Maybe I'll sell you something later when we get to my shop. She didn't know how to fly the first few months she after she got made miko, and since then he's been lounging around here, sleeping and growing even older. Well, since none of you can fly and won't for a while, we're going to take him. Who knows if that car dies on us??
?Wait, how does that work? Turtles don't fly...?
?This one does.? In response, the turtle grinned and levitated, coming up face-to-snout with the Dude. Rinnosuke snorted at the Dude's shocked expression and continued. ?Well, since none of you can fly and won't for a while, we're going to take him. We need to search the place for whatever we can salvage, because I'm pretty damn sure more of these bastards are going to get attracted by the smoke.?
?But what about his owner??
?Reimu hasn't had much use for him after she learned how to fly a few years back. He says he does like being fed and not getting beaten up by demons or youkai on a daily basis, but this place is boring.?
?Alright, fine.?
The turtle actually backflipped and clapped his flippers, and gave a long, heartfelt speech that brought tears to the Heavy's eyes (despite not knowing a lick of Japanese).
?He said he's okay,? Rinnosuke said. The Dude stared at him.
?That's not funny.?
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Hakurei Reimu had been out getting rice bags and tea leaves. She hadn't noticed the smoke on account of having her eyes mostly focused on the ground or otherwise shut from the strain of dragging a hundred pounds' worth of groceries up the stairs.
Common sense dictates that whenever you see five men standing around with things from your currently burning residence and workplace you've devoted several years' worth of work to, the men nearest to the fire tend to be responsible for the arson and burglary, especially when they're piling the Shrine's most valued relics into one of those cars Nitori occasionally babbled about, and hopping in to make a getaway.
Common sense also dictates you get very fucking mad.
Before the Dude had a chance to explain to Genji the wonders of the modern automobile, a massive force crashed into the hot rod just as the door slammed shut, sending it catapaulting and somersaulting down the Shrine's steps and turning the insides of the car into a very angry pinball machine. (The Dude managed to stop the Yin-Yang ball from crushing someone's face, so be thankful for that.)
The Dude punched it, sending the car screaming back into the forest, one very angry miko trailing close in hot pursuit.