Author Topic: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)  (Read 7901 times)

[not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« on: November 26, 2010, 03:18:44 AM »
Inspired by Purvis' prompt for the IM challenge currently going on.

Aside from the entry I submitted for the Wild West Touhou challenge, this will be my first submission to this forum, so I don't really expect it to be of high quality. I welcome feedback (which was lacking with the aforementioned WWT fic :<), so tell me what you think!

And, uh...here we go!

~~~

Prologue

It is written in the Book of ?wait?who exactly was this god again?  I can?t remember.  Anyway?

After the Creation, the devil quietly planned a rebellion against the authority of The Dragon.  The devil sought to blanket the land in a crimson fog, all while reclining in the relative safety of her mansion, where she now lurks, and bides her time.

As the Book foretold, the fog has appeared.  Your god, whose name I cannot remember, has tasked you with dispelling the scarlet mist, and thus restoring the land to its former splendor.

You, a veteran Shrine Maiden, have been heralded from birth as the instrument of your god.  You are destined to solve this incident for your deity, or die in the attempt.  Your hour of destiny has come. For the sake of us all?


?Yes, yes, Genjii, I get it,? grumbled Reimu as she interrupted her pet turtle?s rousing speech.  ?Go stop the person causing the trouble, and all that jazz.  I?ve done this several times before, you know.?

Genjii nodded.  ?Even so, I do not think you understand the severity of the situation.  Something strange is afoot in those rogue rouge clouds??

?I?ll be fine.  Stop worrying,? said Reimu, patting Genjii on the head with a smirk.  ?I?ve dealt with worse.  Besides, this?ll be the first Incident that I?ll be handling on my own.  You said so yourself.  If you didn?t think I could handle it, you wouldn?t be telling me my ?hour of destiny has come?, right?? she asked, idly waving her hands in the air when quoting the turtle?s earlier speech.

??I suppose you?re right.  I will wait here for your return, then,? said the turtle.  ?I will know when you have succeeded when the full moon shines in the sky once more.?

?All right then.  ?Let?s do this.?



------

Chapter 1

Starting her quest to beat up everyone she met until finding the person responsible for the scarlet mist, Reimu set out into the Forest of Magic.  Fairies were out playing in the bad weather, having never seen such strange-colored clouds before and thus assuming it to be something new and exciting.  As the shrine maiden approached, they tried to get her to join in their games by firing some friendly bursts of danmaku, and were promptly mowed down as enemy combatants.

Eventually, as Reimu neared the edge of the Misty Lake, she began to take in some of the sights.  She sighed contentedly.

?Man, the temperature is just right tonight.  Too bad the effect is ruined with all this red fog in the way.?

?Is that so~?? came a voice from within the mist.  As it drew closer to Reimu, she could see that the figure was a bit taller than the fairies, had blonde hair, wore a black dress, and sported some?surprising appendages.



??Are those?tentacles?? asked Reimu, a bit unnerved.

?Sure are!? exclaimed the girl as she waved a couple of them around.  ?I woke up a couple hours ago, saw that the sky was red, and then looked at a piece of ice floating on the lake and saw them!  Aren?t they cool??

?I?guess so,? said Reimu.  ?Anyway, I?m kind of in a hurry, so if you don?t mind??

?Wait, wait!  Won?t you have some dinner with me?  I haven?t eaten yet!?

??Oh, all right.  What?re we having??

?Well, I?ve been craving some brains for the past couple hours??

?Oh HECK no, I see where this is going!? yelled Reimu, alarm bells ringing in her head, as she started shooting amulets at the tentacle person.  She weaved through the bullets fired by her foe, but wasn't at all prepared for a dive and attempted grapple, narrowly dodging the attack.  After several minutes and a few close encounters with her opponent?s new limbs, Reimu defeated the girl and sent her packing.

She looked back at her foe, and shuddered.  ?Tentacles?why did it have to be tentacles?? she asked herself before moving onward to the lake.

~~~

I am not good with fight scenes, so that particular battle was kind of short. Couple that with the fact that I don't write much in general, and...yeah. =/

Regardless, I'll be giving this quite a bit of effort. Please, any feedback would be helpful.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2010, 10:36:37 AM »
You should probably go ahead and try to write the combat scene, anyways. Practice makes perfect.

Anyways, I am severely amused.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2010, 11:46:28 PM »
You should probably go ahead and try to write the combat scene, anyways. Practice makes perfect.

Anyways, I am severely amused.

There's at least one scene that I'll have to write combat for, so it'll happen eventually. And I'm glad to see there's some humor in here! :3

~~~

Chapter 2

??Okay, I take that back.  I almost prefer the tentacles over this cold??

Reimu rubbed her hands together for warmth as she flew over the Misty Lake, not at all pleased with the temperature drop.  The mansion was just across this lake, but if the chill continued, it would be rather difficult to keep going after reaching the opposite shore.  Unluckily for her, a group of fairies that was milling about noticed her and yelled for their leaders.  The air rapidly became crowded with fairies, until Reimu was quite completely surrounded by them.  Floating before here were a blue-haired fairy with icicle wings, and a green-haired fairy with dragonfly wings.  The former fired some danmaku straight down and froze the water underneath her, perhaps as a show of force.  The latter appeared to be keeping well out of the way ? rather smart for a fairy.



?Hey, red-white!? yelled the ice fairy.  ?We heard what you did to all those fairies you shot back in the forest, and we?re ready to get even!?

News travels fast? thought Reimu as she took a cursory look around.  There were fairies in every direction, all glaring daggers at her.  Of course, she could just blast some of them and make an escape path, but the rest would fairly easily catch up to her, due to the frigid air slowing her down.  She needed another plan?

?Wait?I?ve got it!

?All right, all right,? she began, ?I?m sorry for shooting down your friends back there.  And, uh, I?m prepared to make it up to you by?erm?telling you about a very special type of clothing!?

The green-haired fairy, as well as a good portion of the fairy cloud, looked surprised at this declaration and listened intently.  The rest didn?t seem to believe her, and drew closer.

Thinking quickly, Reimu asked, ?Uh, but first, could you tell me what material is best to make clothes out of?  I?m not too sure, myself??

A fairy to her right responded, ?Cotton, definitely.  It?s white and fluffy, like clouds, so it has to be soft!?

The blue-haired fairy turned and frowned.  ?No, you idiot, that?s wool!  And besides, sheep don?t like sharing it anyway, so we?d have to go with poly?poly?uh, that one synthetic thing they make in the human village.?

A third fairy spoke up.  ?What?  But I thought denim was the cool thing these days!?

?No, no, no!  Denim is too stiff and hard to move around in!?

?But that?s what makes it strong, unlike that polymorph thing!?

?I thought polymorph was a type of spell, not a fabric?? wondered the green-haired fairy aloud.

Eventually, the entire cloud of fairies was bickering over which material would be best for a ?base six pair of pants,? whatever that was, and whether or not polymorph was a spell.  Reimu took this opportunity to escape from the swarm and continue on towards the mansion, still shivering from the temperature in the area.

Just a little further, and there?ll be heat?

------

Chapter 3

Once Reimu could feel the air begin to warm up, she knew she?d made it across the lake.  Sighing a sigh of relief, she slowed her pace a bit so that she wouldn?t be quite as chilly upon reaching the mansion.  The last thing she wanted was to get into a fight and suddenly catch a case of the shivers.

As she moved along the trail, she passed through a cloud of fairies that was engaged in a game of extreme tag ? whoever was ?it? tagged people by shooting them with danmaku.  Due to this ruleset, Reimu saw quite a few unconscious players as she flew by, wondering how bad off she?d be if that happened to her over the lake?

Reimu was suddenly snapped out of her musings by a voice.  ?Stop right there!  Unless you have an appointment, I can?t let you pass!? said the figure in front of her.  She was wearing a green beret with a star on it, as well as some predominantly green martial arts garb.  Her fiery red hair seemed to add some weight to her words.



?This is the Scarlet Devil Mansion,? the guard continued, ?and it?s not open to the public.  I?ll have to ask you to go back the way you came.?

?I?ve got business here, though,? replied Reimu.  ?Let me pass.?

??What kind of business?? asked the guard, raising an eyebrow.

Crap, gotta think of something again?  ?Err, I?m a?fountain inspector!  I?m here to make sure that your fountains are working properly.  Yeah.?

The guard considered this for a moment, then frowned.  ??I don?t believe you.  Get lost before I beat your face in for trespassing.?

Reimu opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by the blowing of a whistle and a cry of ?Hey, stop using that fountain!  You?re going to dry it up, and then the mistress will be mad at us!?  The guard sighed; clearly that was not something she wanted to hear.

?If you?re really a fountain inspector, then follow me and undo whatever damage was done to it by whoever was just using it.?

?Fine, fine,? said Reimu as the guard turned and led her into the courtyard.  However, as the green-clothed one veered toward the fountain, Reimu simply kept going into the mansion.

??Okay, looks like it?s just a couple of tengu trying to develop photos?somehow,? said the guard as she turned around.  ?Now, what I need you to do is??blast.  Somehow I should have seen that coming??

Iced Fairy

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Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2010, 11:58:44 PM »
Man I wish I could lie to the monsters in rogue likes.  It'd make life so much easier....

Anyway, this is short but sweet.  Nice work.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2010, 05:02:06 AM »
Man I wish I could lie to the monsters in rogue likes.  It'd make life so much easier....

Suddenly one of the Vault's guards enters! "Hello stranger, who are you?"
> Croesus
"Oh, yes, of course. Sorry to have disturbed you."


But yeah, if you could lie to people in roguelikes, it would add an extra element to the gameplay. I'd look forward to that.

...I had a bit of trouble bringing myself to write this one. It just felt awkward to me, which I think is a little strange for a guy, given the subject matter. ...Let's see how it turned out.

---

Chapter 4

Upon entering the mansion, Reimu found herself looking at a rather large foyer, with sets of double doors lining the opposite wall as well as one set for each of the side walls.  A few chandeliers hung from the ceiling, all evenly spaced, and portraits were hanging over the various decorative items in the room ? one painting in particular caught Reimu?s attention.  The painting was of what appeared to be a young girl wearing a light pink dress and matching cap, and with a pair of leathery bat wings extending from the area between her upper back and her shoulder blades.

??Something tells me that this person is important here,? said Reimu to herself, before she turned and locked the front door behind her, and began to look around.  Just as she was about to enter a random set of double doors, a loud WHAMMM!!! could be heard from outside.

?HEY!  Get out of there, you fraud!? came the voice of the guard from before.  ?Oh, when I get in there, I?m gonna haul you up to the mistress, and?and?!?  Running out of things to say, she continued kicking the door in an attempt to force it open.

Reimu simply smirked and continued on, heading into a hallway.

Eventually, after wandering through several long hallways and accidentally finding the kitchen at one point, Reimu discovered an enormous library, filled with more books and scrolls than she?d ever seen in her life.  The shelves appeared to be made of very old wood, perhaps oak, but there was a mystical quality to them that seemed to radiate strength.  There was also a strange-looking necklace sitting on a small table near the door; she quietly pocketed this and kept moving.

Wandering along the rows of shelves, Reimu idly picked up a few scrolls and read them silently, but couldn?t make heads or tails of them.  ??What kinds of incantations are these?  ?DUAM XNAHT??  ?FOOBIE BLETCH??  I?m no magician, but I thought these things were supposed to make sense!  ?I bet these don?t even work,? she concluded from her analysis as she held up a scroll.  ?Hmm? XIXAXA XOXAXA XUXAXA!?

As she read the incantation, the scroll disappeared, and there was a flash of light, forcing Reimu to cover her eyes.  When the light faded, she lowered her arm to find a rather well-dressed, red-haired woman standing in front of her.  The bat wings on her head were an oddity, but other than that, she looked harmless enough.

?Ah, you have summoned me!  My name is Koakuma.  Welcome to Voile, the magical library,? she said, curtsying.  ?Are you interested in checking out any books this evening??

?Er, no,? replied Reimu, unsure of what she?d just done by reading the scroll.  ?I?m not here for books.  I?m just looking for??

The shrine maiden was silenced by a finger on her lips.  ?You don?t have to say another word,? said Koakuma, a sly grin forming on her face.  ?There?s only one thing you could be in the library for, if not for the books??

The hand that was attached to that finger slowly drew around to caress Reimu?s cheek, eliciting a small gasp from the miko.  The fact that her explanation had been interpreted as a solicitation didn?t help matters.  ?Err?couldn?t there be something else I could be here for?  You know, like?asking the librarian for directions or something, and not?this??

?Lady Patchouli is in her room, working on a speech right now,? replied Koakuma.  ?Which means we?ve got the whole library to ourselves??  She giggled as she drew closer to Reimu, moving her other hand behind the shrine maiden?s back so she couldn?t escape.  Reimu?s expression was a curious mixture of fear, confusion, and?lust?

W-wait!  That?s not becoming of a shrine maiden!  If I can?t get free, then--!

Her thoughts were interrupted as her lips were met by Koakuma?s, and she could do nothing but submit.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2010, 05:02:33 AM »
?

?

I can?t believe that happened.  Not only was I just taken down by the power of love ? and not in the way Marisa would suggest ? but I don?t think I can call myself a shrine maiden anymore.  Not until I atone for this?  This sucks.



?That was fun!? exclaimed Koakuma as she finished re-buttoning her vest.  ?Now then, about my fee??

?What, you charge for this, too?  Haven?t you done enough damage already?!?  Reimu yelled as she finished wrapping her sarashi around her again.  ?You?re not getting anything else out of me!?

Koakuma frowned.  ?But it?s protocol!  You didn?t pass the charisma check, so you have to pay me money!?

?Charisma check, my foot!  Get out of my sight before I blast you with my Fantasy Seal!?

?All right, all right!? said Koakuma as she avoided a few talisman shots.  ??I had fun, though?why didn?t you?? she asked as she disappeared again.  Reimu thought she could hear a faint sobbing noise, but ignored it.

??Stupid succubus...for all I know, the sun could be out again, and I?ll have failed Genjii,? grumbled Reimu as she finished dressing.  ?I just have to get out of the library and find whoever?s causing??

Another bright flash of light forced her to cover her eyes, although this time it was accompanied by dust being kicked up and swirling around.  When everything settled, Reimu looked in front of her and saw a woman clad in what appeared to be a long purple nightgown and cap.  Five crystals, each a different color, surrounded her, still churning up the dust in that area.  The woman opened her mouth, and her voice boomed, as if amplified by her magic:



Reimu blinked as the woman struggled to catch her breath.  ?Was this the librarian?  She had expected someone a little more?potent at her craft, so to speak.

??Right.  I?ll leave you to that, then,? she said as she passed by the mage, entering another hallway at the other side of the library.  Feeling vaguely nervous, she entered the hall, a malignant aura surrounding her.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2010, 02:09:56 PM »
GJ, Koakuma. And, really, can you get an atonement for maidenhood?

UncertainJakutten

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Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2010, 02:40:16 PM »
Hopefully Patchy doesn't Summon Nasties...course, to Reimu it'd probably be more succubi :P.


Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2010, 10:13:19 PM »
And here's chapters 5 and 6!

------

Chapter 5

The hallway was eerily silent as Reimu walked through it, gazing at all the decorative items that were placed against and on the walls.  Flower pots, paintings, oil lamps?  It was as if everything except the kitchen sink was on display.

Then again, judging from the size of that library, it makes sense that there?d be a lot of stuff out here.  Those books are probably worth more than my shrine, so if this mansion can afford all of them, then these decorations should be no problem?

She rounded a corner to see a couple of fairies dressed in maid uniforms, apparently slacking off and playing catch with each other.  The object being thrown was a large urn, which had quite a few things inside it if the rattling sound it made was any indication.

Oh, this can only end well, thought Reimu as she watched the urn fly to one of the fairies, who failed to stop it and was instead pushed up against the wall by the force it exerted.  The urn then fell to the ground, shattering and scattering its contents everywhere.  The fairies? eyes went wide as they looked at the wreckage, then at each other, then back at the wreckage.  Without warning, they bolted down the hallway, away from Reimu and around another corner.  Equally without warning was the impromptu appearance of a silver-haired human maid, wearing a rather irate expression on her face.  Her gaze was focused on Reimu as she glared accusingly.



?So, what makes you think you can just break things that don?t belong to you?? asked the maid, suddenly brandishing a knife.  ?I?ll have you know that the vase you just smashed was worth more than all of Patchouli?s books combined.?

?It wasn?t me who broke it!? retorted Reimu, getting a few amulets ready.  ?There were a couple of fairy maids out here playing catch with the thing, and??

Reimu suddenly found the aforementioned knife flying at her left arm, and jumped to the side to avoid it.  ?Lies are not appreciated here.  True, fairies may not be very intelligent, but I?m sure they know not to needlessly endanger precious things!?

The shrine maiden had had enough of this, and was ready to just defeat the devil and get out.  So she began thinking of ways to speed up this encounter, and decided the best way would be to provoke the maid into doing something stupid.

??You?re right, now that I think about it.  They?d more likely steal them instead!  And since they were still here, what does that tell you??

?Why, you--  You just don?t understand the trouble I go to, trying to keep these artifacts pristine, do you?  Well?? exclaimed the maid as she produced a pocketwatch from her dress pocket.  ??Time is not on your side today.  I?ll make sure of it!?

She clicked a button on the watch, and suddenly vanished out of sight.  Reimu waited?and waited?but nothing happened.

??Hmm.  I guess time wasn?t on her side, either,? she chuckled to herself as she continued down the hallway.  The final encounter was close.

---

The gate guard had given up trying to kick the door open, deciding that the mistress would probably be angrier that she?d totally destroyed it on top of letting an intruder in.  She turned to go back to her post when she saw the head maid in the fountain, clearly not amused.

?Forgot your ring of teleport control again??

?Shut up.?

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2010, 10:14:06 PM »
Chapter 6

There it is.

Only a large set of double doors stood between Reimu and her goal, from what she could see.  This doorway was more ornately carved than the rest, and she saw some crimson carpet sticking out from under the doorframe.  It was clear to her that this was the dwelling of her mark.

Slowly, she opened the door and entered.

The room she entered was more modest than she expected; aside from the basic bedroom furnishings and a small box in the corner, there wasn?t really anything of note in this room except for a staircase towards the back wall.

?a staircase? Hmm?

Reimu ascended the staircase and soon found herself on a balcony overlooking the Misty Lake and Forest of Magic.  To her left was a lamp, probably used for reading when it got dark.  To her right was a key sitting on a table, as well as a curious card with ?Platinum? written on it.  And straight ahead of her was the same bat-winged woman she?d seen in the painting, sitting in a chair.  The woman got to her feet as Reimu approached.



?Scarlet Devil!? yelled Reimu as she prepared her amulets once more.  ?I have been charged with the task of eliminating your mist!  Surrender now and this will become a whole lot easier for the both of us!?

The vampire chuckled as the ultimatum was delivered.  ??I will do no such thing.  You see, this mist is a good thing.  It blocks out the sun, which keeps all of the nocturnal creatures, including myself, trapped in their dwellings until it sets.  With it out of the picture, we can come and go as we please, which is far more preferable to being confined, don?t you agree??

?No, I don?t agree!  The whole point of daytime is for the humans and non-violent youkai to go about their business.  If you take away the day, then they?ll have to come out at night when all the carnivorous youkai are milling about, and then the youkai will attack and eat too much and explode!  It?s a lose-lose situation that way!?

?I don?t see the problem,? said the devil.  ?If the youkai explode, then that just means I get free food, once Sakuya cleans it up and prepares it.  I can?t count on the other maids to do the same??

Reimu frowned.  ?So ultimately, the only one benefitting from this is you.  That?s reason enough for me to stop this insane plan of yours!?  She punctuated this by shooting a few amulets at the vampire, who simply sidestepped.

??So we must settle this with violence?  Very well,? said the vampire as she produced a bag from under the throne and withdrew a crimson glowing spear from it.  ?I, Remilia Scarlet, the Scarlet Devil, shall dispose of you!?

She suddenly took to the air and flew at Reimu, attempting to skewer her.  The shrine maiden got out of the way, the spear almost grazing her shoulder, and a squeaky board beneath her?well, squeaking.  As Remilia circled back around, she let loose a few volleys of amulets, one of them connecting with the devil?s weapon hand.  However, the impact did not loosen her grip on her weapon, as Reimu had hoped.

Remilia attacked again, choosing this time to swipe her spear in a wide arc instead of stabbing with it.  Reimu did not anticipate this action, and was cut across the right side of her torso as she attempted to move.  She winced in pain, and the vampire cackled madly as she turned around once more.

?Now that you?ve been weakened, I supposed I should end this mercifully!? exclaimed Remilia as she drew back her arm.  With a cry of ?Taste defeat!? she threw her spear?but it did not go.  Perplexed, she tried again, with the same result.  Upon closer examination, it appeared that the spear had been welded to her hand, which elicited a cry of anger from the vampire.  ?Gaaaaah!  I knew Sakuya was onto something when she told me to stop testing my unholy bath water with the Gungnir, but?ugh!?

Now?s my chance! Reimu thought as she readied a special amulet.  I just have to aim this correctly, and?!

She shot the amulet at Remilia?s neck, and upon impact, it grew tendrils and ensnared its target.  The vampire suddenly found it rather hard to breathe, and dropped to the ground.

?Now!  Get rid of the scarlet mist!? demanded Reimu, readying more amulets in case she needed to dish out more pain to get the point across.

?N?n?fine, just?get this off me?? choked Remilia, pausing between words to try and catch her breath.  Reimu nodded, satisfied, and said a quick prayer.  The amulet constricting the vampire?s neck crumbled, allowing her to breathe again, and she reluctantly walked back inside the mansion, towards the library, to undo the spell that was conjuring all the mist.

Reimu sighed contentedly, having finally stopped the threat.  She followed the vampire to make sure she didn?t try any funny business and actually made good on her word, but not without snagging some loot in the process.

Congratulations, Reimu the Shrine Maiden?
Would you like your possessions identified? [y/n]  y

Amulets
u ? the uncursed Amulet of Yendor
a ? 17 blessed sealing amulets (in quiver)
b ? a cursed amulet of strangulation (alternate weapon, not wielded)
Weapons
c ? a blessed +3 gohei
Armor
d ? an uncursed +0 sarashi (being worn)
e ? an uncursed +0 shrine maiden uniform (being worn)
f ? an uncursed +0 pair of sandals (being worn)
Comestibles
g ? 2 uncursed fortune cookies
h ? an uncursed food ration
Scrolls
i ? a scroll of create monster named I should apologize to Koakuma later
Rings
j ? a blessed ring of levitation (on right hand)
Tools
k ? an uncursed looking glass
l ? an uncursed bag of holding
m ? an uncursed skeleton key
n ? an uncursed tin opener
Gems
o ? a blessed luckstone
p ? 5 uncursed worthless pieces of blue glass
q ? an uncursed worthless pieces of white glass
r ? 3 uncursed worthless pieces of red glass
s ? 17 uncursed worthless pieces of green glass
t ? the blessed Metal Crystal

Would you like to see your attributes? [y/n]  n
Would you like to see your conduct? [y/n]  y

You never polymorphed an object.
You never changed form.
You used no wishes.

Since this was an Incident, the high score list will not be checked.


~~~

I actually had another chapter planned for after this (the extra stage, obviously), but I don't know if I'll have time to get to it, what with everything else this week. So, if there's demand for it, I'll work on it this weekend. Hopefully you all enjoyed this, and again, any feedback is appreciated!
« Last Edit: November 30, 2010, 10:19:10 PM by Utsuho rdji »

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2010, 10:23:07 PM »
Quote
i ? a scroll of create monster named I should apologize to Koakuma later
That's... an interesting magic scroll. Is Patchy or Reimu the one who needs to apologize to Koa? I mean, Reimu was rather rude after Koa did her a favor and rid her of that pesky maiden thing.

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Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2010, 04:56:17 PM »
There is a demand for it.

This was wonderful. The squeaky board for no reason was the best. Also: Amulet of Strangulation named Remiliabane. And I laughed at the ring of levitation. It was perfect.


Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2010, 04:22:44 AM »
oh hey guess what I forgot to do over the weekend

This is the last chapter! Even though this is finished, I'd still appreciate tips on how to improve my writing for possible future stories.

---

Chapter 7

Chaos reigned at the Scarlet Devil Mansion when Reimu arrived on the scene.  She had been told by her friend, Marisa Kirisame, that everyone there had been stirred into a frenzy before the witch got a chance to ?borrow? anything from the library.  Apparently, they were yelling something about a basement and something really dangerous, so Reimu took it upon herself to deal with the situation.  After all, she?d already taken care of the Scarlet Devil herself, right?

The gate guard was apparently patrolling the perimeter to make sure nothing escaped from the mansion, so it was easy for the shrine maiden to slip inside.  Once there, she was greeted by the librarian and a swarm of fairy maids, all scrambling around and reinforcing doors, barring windows, and other such precautions.  Not unexpectedly, she was spotted.

?You!  Back to cause more trouble, I assu?? said the librarian before she lapsed into a coughing fit.  A few of the fairies swooped down toward her and tried to help her recover, while the rest began to advance on Reimu.

??Nope, not in the mood to deal with all of you,? she said flatly as she produced a coin from one of her dress pockets and threw it towards the west wall.  ?Go fetch.?

Scattered clamors of ?ooh, shiny!? and ?I saw it first!? echoed from the cloud of fairies as they chased the coin, knocking each other out in the process.  Reimu sighed and began examining the east side of the foyer, soon discovering a staircase she hadn?t noticed before.  She wondered if it led to the basement that Marisa had told her about.

Well, there?s only one way to find out?and hey, if I deal with whatever?s down here, maybe the mansion will stop attacking me as soon as I get near here.  ?Let?s do this.



---

Reimu eventually came to a stop, landing at the bottom of the staircase with a loud thud.  She groaned as she picked herself up off the ground, aching all over from the fall.

?Ow ow ow ow?  I should have watched that first step??

Luckily, the basement was not as large as the staircase would imply, consisting of only a single room at the end of a hall.  Shooting down a few hostile fairies that had been surprised by the accidental air raid, Reimu turned the knob on the door and entered.

The room looked nothing like the storage room she was expecting, but rather a bedroom.  A bed was sitting off to her left, as well as a sink and mirror, while a table with a rather thick-looking book on it was off to her right.  A blonde-haired girl with rather unusual wings was sitting at said table, and looked up as Reimu entered.  Smiling, she got out of her seat.

?Oh, hi there!  I was beginning to think that nobody was coming down here after I knocked on the upstairs door??



??That?s it?  You?re what everyone?s worried about up there?? asked Reimu, a bit incredulous.

?Yeah?? said the girl, her smile fading.  ?They?re all afraid of my power.  Y?know, the power to explode stuff with my hand.  But I wouldn?t use it on them, so I don?t know why they?re afraid.?

?Well, you never know.  Maybe if you got angry enough??

?Maybe.  But still, I just want to play with my sister once in a while.  Maybe Sakuya, too.?

??Wait,? Reimu said, her incredulity magnified.  ?Remilia?s your??

?Yep!  I?m the Scarlet Devil?s little sister, Flandre!? exclaimed the girl.  ?Hey, since you?re down here, can you play with me for a while??

?That all depends on your definition of ?play?, young lady,? said the shrine maiden, her eyes narrowing.

?Oh, you?ll see!  And you won?t be able to continue if you lose, so give it your best!?

---

The battle raged for a long while, the tides shifting with each move.  Both combatants seemed to be equally matched for the duration of the match.  Eventually, however, Reimu slipped.

She lost.  It was over.

?Yay!? exclaimed Flandre as Reimu?s howitzer landed on the North Carolina Avenue space, which was decked out with houses.  ?I bankrupted you!  I win!?

?No fair.  You had the better piece; that?s why you won,? complained Reimu, pointing at Flandre?s hat-on-thimble, which was currently parked at a Community Chest square.  ??Still, I kind of had fun.?

?I knew you would!  ?I just wish my sister would come down here and have fun sometimes, too??

??I have an idea,? said the shrine maiden.  ?I know a witch that often comes to this mansion.  Maybe I could talk her into spending some time with you when she?s here??

Flandre beamed.  ?Really?  That?d be awesome!  I hope she?s as fun to play with as you were, Ray-moo!?

??You really have a lot of fun saying that, don?t you??

?Uh-huh.?

And so it was that Reimu calmed the commotion at the mansion.  She introduced Marisa to Flandre, giving the poor vampire girl a new playmate.  This had the added bonus of the two being allowed to visit the mansion whenever they wanted, provided they didn?t steal anything beyond what they already had.  ?Reimu agreed to abide by that condition, at least.

YOU ARE SUPER READER

---

...That ending was a bit sudden, but I couldn't think of another way to do it. >_>;;

Thoughts? Comments? Scathing criticism?

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2010, 04:31:58 AM »
D'aww. Though, Reimu still needs to apologize to Koakuma.

Iced Fairy

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Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2010, 09:21:50 PM »
Hm...  Once again it was a fun little bit.  As for critiques....

This was pretty good as a series of amusing mini stories.  For longer writings, or more serious stuff I'd suggest starting by working on flow.

Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2010, 07:39:46 PM »
So, work on transitions between scenes and add more little details to fill in the gaps in the plot?

Iced Fairy

  • So like if you try to hurt alkaza
  • *
  • I will set you on fire k'?
    • Daisukima Dan Blog
Re: [not-an-IM-challenge] EoSDHack (working title)
« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2010, 08:33:43 PM »
Yeah.  Just little details to smooth things out.  Comedy can get away with being very disjointed, but other genres need it more.