"ZUN FICTION"
By
Vic Viper & Revolver Koala
ZUN [zoon] n.
1. A drunk, absurd-hat wearing, nerdy Japanese man.
2. Creator of a game containing excellent music and sub-par art and storytelling characteristically released twice yearly.
Gensokyo Heritage Dictionary: New Comiket Edition
INT. BREAKFAST SHOP - MORNING
A normal Mystia's, Friendly's-like family restaurant in the Forest of Magic, assuming Mytia didn't run a stall and instead operated a resaturant inside a building filled with tables and booths. It's about ⑨：00 in the morning. While the place isn't jammed, there's a healthy number of fairies and low-level youkai drinking tea, munching on bread and having power-level arguments.
Two of these people are a YOUNG WOMAN and ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN. The Young Woman has a slight Japanese-person-speaking-English accent and, like her fellow countrymen, smokes cigarettes like they're
being shilled by anime going out of style.
It is impossible to tell where the Other Young Woman is from, but it is clear that she is not from Japan; everything she does contradicts something she did. The girls sit in a booth. Their dialogue is to be said in a rapid pace "CHIRU MIRU VERSE" fashion.
YOUNG WOMAN
No, forget it, it's not worth it. I'm through doin' this shit.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Not the first time I've heard that. Every time: never again, we have enough, overkill.
YOUNG WOMAN
I know that's what I always say, and I'm always right but-
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
- but you always decide that it's not enough -
YOUNG WOMAN
- yeah well, the days of me bein' unsatisfied are over and the days of me actually gettin' to work have just begun.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
When you go on like this, you know what you sound like?
YOUNG WOMAN
I sound like a sensible fucking woman, who knows when it's time to start working with data.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
You sound like a pok?mon
(imitates Pikachu)
Renko, renko, renko, renko, renko, renko, renko...
YOUNG WOMAN
Well take heart, 'cause you're never gonna hafta go through with this again. Because since I'm
actually gonna put my nose to the grindstone, you're never gonna hafta hear me go on about how
I'm never doin' this shit again.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
After tonight.
The two girls laugh, their laughter putting a pause in there, back and forth.
YOUNG WOMAN
(with a smile)
Correct. I got all tonight to start.
A WAITRESS comes by with a pot of tea
WAITRESS
Ocha? More tea?
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Oh yes, I'd love some!
The Waitress pours the Other Young Woman's tea. The Young Woman lights up another cigarette, slightly bowing her head.
YOUNG WOMAN
Not now, thanks.
The Waitress leaves. The Young Woman takes a drag off her smoke.
The Other Young Woman pours a ton of cream into her tea, drawing a glare from the Young Woman.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
What?
The Young Woman shakes her head and goes right back into it.
YOUNG WOMAN
I mean the way it is here, you're takin' the same fuckin' risk just sitting here. Hell, being outside
the Village is a big risk period. We're out of our fuckin' element here Donny! The Village is safe;
youkai aren't supposed to bother you in anyway. They're hunters, why should they even care? They
don't even need to be sneaky out of there. I heard about this guy, walking through the woods at sunset,
heard a cat meowing from the woods and a little girl trying to coax it down from a tree. Guy steps off the
path to try and help.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
What happened?
YOUNG WOMAN
They tore him to fucking pieces, that's what fuckin' happened! Knucklehead was out of his element just
like us and gets turned into some youkai's lunch. They had to trick him, but then here we are actively
looking for them! We don't have anything, no spellcards, no magic, fuckin' nothing! The won't even have
to lift a fuckin' finger.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Did the little girl get her cat?
YOUNG WOMAN
There probably wasn't a little girl - the point of the story isn't the trick. The point of the story is that they don't
even have to trick us: we're presenting ourselves on a blue plate. We're trying to hunt them without any hunting gear.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
You wanna hunt youkai?
YOUNG WOMAN
I'm not sayin' I want to hunt youkai, I'm just saying that if we stopped doing it the way we are then we'd probably survive longer.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
You don't wanna be a youkai hunter?
YOUNG WOMAN
Naw, all those gals are goin' down the same road, either dead or too pissed off to do anything besides hunt.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
And no more looking at night?
YOUNG WOMAN
What have we been talking about? Yeah, no more data collecting at night. Besides, it ain't the giggle
it usta be. We're not from Gensokyo, and we're finally here, but so fuckin' what? All we been doing is
research. We haven't been enjoying ourselves in the Village and we're not even doing anything with the
research. All we do is go out there and throw ourselves in the paths of youkai and try and take samples
before we get ourselves killed.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
I don't wanna get killed.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah well, I'm not gonna get killed. But if we keep this up then we may just find ourselves in a situation where
it's us or us, since we don't have a fuckin' chance against them. And if it's not the ones we approach, it's these
tricky ones that have been hunting humans for fifteen fuckin' centuries. You got the queen of fuckin' birds sittin'
there just waiting for us. Try walkin' up to her and being sneaky to gather some data, see how far it gets you.
They won't even need a fuckin' cat trick to get us. Fuck it, forget it, I'm tired of it.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
What else is there, go home?
YOUNG WOMAN
(laughing)
Not on your life.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Well what then?
She calls to the Waitress.
YOUNG WOMAN
Hey Meido! Tea!
Then looks at her girl.
YOUNG WOMAN
This place.
The Waitress comes by, pouring her some more.
WAITRESS
(snotty)
Waitress, not a maid.
She splits.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Here? It's a restaurant.
YOUNG WOMAN
What's wrong with that? It doesn't matter what it is, just what it's full of: fairies. Get our heads torn of lookin'
for oni or tengu. Fairies, on the other hand, fancy themselves to be the tricksters in control. They're not
expecting to be the target of anyone unless they're causing trouble.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
(taking to idea)
I bet you could convince them that they're outmatched pretty easy.
YOUNG WOMAN
Exactly. They don't get any grief from others unless they're causing, so they wouldn't expect anything when
they're just sitting here. They won't know what the fuck! Fairies, forget it, they may respawn but they're not
trying to get shot. All they got is garbage danmaku, just random shit to throw out that distracts more than
hurts. And if one of the youkai happen to have a spell card? Fucking FORGET it! They probably lifted it from
somewhere. No way a youkai good enough to hold their own in a fight would still be hanging around with
fairies. One minute they're sitting there eating fried rice, next minute somebody's threatening to shoot them.
The Other Young Woman visibly takes in the idea. The Young Woman continues in a low voice.
YOUNG WOMAN
See, I got another idea last time we saw a fairy. Remember she tried to fly off when you grabbed at her wings?
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
YOUNG WOMAN
And a bit of them tore right off, but she still flew off?
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Uh-huh.
YOUNG WOMAN
That was a great move.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Thanks.
YOUNG WOMAN
That was the only piece of data we escaped with, and a hell of a lot easier to get.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Yes it was.
YOUNG WOMAN
A lot of fairies in this restaurant.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
A lot of wings.
YOUNG WOMAN
Pretty smart, huh? Avoid gettin' ourselves killed for the day.
The Other Young Woman scans the restaurant with this new idea.
She sees all the FAIRIES eating, or doing whatever it is they do. The tired WAITRESS, flitting from table to table. The YOUKAI so low-level they can keep company with the fairies. The tall MANAGER FAIRY, trying to figure out the register. A smile breaks out on the Other Young Woman's face.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
And they may have point items too.
YOUNG WOMAN
Exactly, you never know! We haven't gotten our hands on any yet.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
(into it)
I'm ready, let's go, right here and now.
YOUNG WOMAN
Remember, same as before, you're the distraction and attention draw, I go collect data and all that.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
Got it.
They both take out small surgical instruments and test tubes and lay them on the table. She looks at her and she back at her.
OTHER YOUNG WOMAN
I love you, Renko.
YOUNG WOMAN
I love you, Maribel.
And with that, Renko and Maribel grab their materials, stand up and start an experiment. Renko's persona is that of a collected older scientist that does everything by the book. Maribel's is that of a psychotic mad scientist just itching for a new experiment.
RENKO
Everybody be cool this is a science experiment!
MARIBEL
Any of you fuckin' bitches move and I'll operate on every last motherfucking one of you! Got that?
CUT TO:
CREDIT SEQUENCE:
"ZUN FICTION"
