Judge Eiki by Roukanken
"I know for a fact that the book is missing."
What started as borrowing from a library...
"Aw, come on. She's just jealous 'cause she's found out it's worth a fortune."
...turned into theft of a priceless tome.
"She doesn't have anythin' saying that she lent it to me, you can't do a thing."
"Maybe you need to learn a little about authority, girl."
---
You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Shikieiki Yamaxanadu.
The people are REAL.
The cases are REAL.
The rulings are FINAL.
This is her courtroom.
This...is Judge Eiki.
---
The courtroom was filled with a bustle of murmurs, the spectators and jurors muttering to each other. Silence only arose after the bailiff's declaration echoed throughout the room.
"All parties in the matter of Knowledge vs. Kirisame, step forward."
Komachi always hated this part. It took so much effort to shout loud enough to get everyone's attention, but at least she got to sit at the side for most of the trial. The two parties involved got the point, at least, and walked toward their respective positions.
574-year-old librarian Patchouli Knowledge is suing former lover, 16(?)-year-old Marisa Kirisame, for theft of a valuable book from her possession. Marisa claims that the book was a gift to her.
Both the plaintiff, a tired-looking girl in what seemed to be pyjamas, and the defendant, a cheery-looking witch in black and white, stood at attention behind their benches. Komachi turned to the judge's chair, waiting for her superior to emerge.
In a few seconds, the door next to the chair opened, and another woman entered. Her mostly civil clothing seemed befitting of a judge, but for some reason she had decided to come to court wearing a particularly short blue skirt. The entire court froze, staring at the exposed legs of the judge with various feelings - some with disgust, others with surprise, others still with amusement. Strangely, one woman responded by bleeding profusely from the nose and collapsing on the floor. The body was removed from the court for the sake of decency as the judge took her place behind the chair.
Komachi placed a small pile of papers in front of her boss.
"Case of Knowledge vs. Kirisame. They're sworn in, blah blah blah, sit the hell down."
She clasped her hand into a fist momentarily, threatening all present into their seats, before taking her own seat in the corner and falling asleep in a matter of seconds. Shikieiki frowned at her for an instant before turning back to the case.
"Alright then, Miss Knowledge," she said, turning to the plaintiff. "You claim that Miss Kirisame has taken a highly valuable book from you?
Patchouli nodded.
"Correct."
"What was the name of this book, exactly?"
"A History Of Charisma: The Autobiography of Remilia Scarlet."
Shikieiki blinked.
"Right. Well that's a little long, so I'll just call it Charisma for now."
She scribbled something down on the notes Komachi had handed her.
"You're sure it's missing? Totally?"
Patchouli gave the judge a condescending glare.
"I know for a fact that the book is missing. I keep regular notes of current stock. I lent it to her several weeks ago, and cleared it off the-"
"Okay, okay, I've seen these notes already, now shut up. I'm the one doing the lecturing around here."
"You can't say that, I have a right to make my voice he-"
Patchouli cut off mid-sentence, clutching her throat. She let off a small coughing fit, spluttering over the plaintiff's desk. The irony was not lost on either of them.
"S-Sorry. Continue, Your Honour."
"Thank you. Now, you there...Miss Kirisame."
Marisa was now leaning totally on her desk, making shapes in the dust with her finger as she looked into the distance.
"Sup, Lady? She's wrong, y'know."
Was she even aware that she was in a court? Shikieiki hit her judging rod against the desk to attract her attention. It worked, barely.
"Okay, okay, you want the whole formal thing. Gimme a minute to get in character."
She stood straight, taking deep breaths and performing dramatic hand motions. There was silence as the entire courtroom looked at her with expressions of bewilderment. Eventually she started on her testimony, overacting every little tidbit.
"Oh, it's terrible, Your Honour! I got that book as a gift from my lovely Patchy, and now she's trying to take it back from me just because she found out it'd make her a fortune! I'm being oppressed here, oppressed! It's an outrage, a sham! It's-"
The rod left a considerable dent in the desk as Shikieiki slammed it down again, much harder this time. Marisa's soliloquy was silenced.
"Cut the drama, woman. You're fooling no-one."
Marisa froze in place for an instant, caught in the middle of a swooping hand gesture. Then she pouted as the hand decided instead to clean out her ear.
"Meh. Thought it was worth a try, at least."
Judge Eiki's eyes grew smaller, as scorn started to run across her face.
"...so you hold to your earlier story, I assume."
"Aw, come on. She's just jealous 'cause she's found out it's worth a fortune."
Marisa gave a cheeky smirk to Patchouli, standing a few feet away. The librarian, furious, slammed her hand against the desk.
There was an audible crack across the courtroom.
Patchouli's head dipped down as she held back the urge to scream. She pulled her arm back, her hand hanging limp at her side.
Shikieiki took a short moment to place her head on the desk. It was moments like this that made her wonder what the point was in maintaining this job.
"Well..." she pulled her head up as she readdressed the court.
"No offense, Miss Kirisame, but your story is paper-thin. No-one has any reason to believe you're being genuine here."
Marisa seemed unfazed by this, now turning her smirk to the judge whose sentence could easily put an end to her.
"She doesn't have anythin' saying that she lent it to me, you can't do a thing."
It was the most pathetic work around possible. Because it had never been outright said that the book was lent in Patchouli's notes, she was clinging to the possibility that it was borrowed. Shikieiki's blood boiled.
"...Maybe you need to learn a little about authority, girl."
It was clearly a threat. Marisa looked up at the judge, puzzled.
"Eh? What're you-"
"Guilty."
A moment of silence.
"...Huh?"
"You're guilty. I've declared it officially."
Marisa seemed confused, bewildered by this verdict.
"B-But there's no outright evidence, right? There's reasonable doubt and all tha-"
"Quiet!"
Shikieiki's voice boomed through the room, magically amplified. Marisa's hat blew clean off of her head, leaving her clinging at her straw-like blonde hair.
"You are talking to Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, highest of the Judges of the Dead! If I say you're guilty, you're guilty, and you've got no right to complain! Do I make myself clear, mortal?!"
Marisa was cowering behind the desk now, looking up at the judge with fearful eyes.
"C-Clear as crystal, ma'am."
Her anger vented, Shikieiki returned calmly to her normal severe posture.
"Excellent. Now, since you've compounded your crime of grand theft with an additional charge of opposing a divine order, I'm going to have to invoke the death penalty."
"...Whuh?"
Shikieiki clicked her fingers. A panel above Marisa's head opened. Startled, the witch looked up to see a human shaped projectile coming at her at high speed, holding some sort of jewelled pagoda in her face.
"The hell-"
"ABSOLUTE JUSTICE, BITCH!"
Shou shouted at the top of her lungs as the pagoda's light expanded, exploding into a pillar of light that engulfed both the tiger youkai and the defendant. In a few seconds the light had dissipated, and Shou was standing behind the defendant's stand, saluting. Marisa was nowhere to be seen.
"Mission accomplished, Your Honour. Justice has been served."
Shikieiki nodded reluctantly. She missed the days of judges performing the sentences themselves, but apparently employing people like Shou raised efficiency by almost 1% so there wasn't much she could say in her defense.
"...Much appreciated, Miss Toramaru. You are dismissed. As for you, Miss Knowledge, we'll search the residence of the deceased and look for this Charisma book of yours."
Patchouli nodded quietly, still in pain from the self-inflicted fracture of her hand.
"Whuh...? Oh, it's over."
Komachi looked up at the court from her seat, slowly waking up. Given Shou's position behind the defendant's stand she was relatively sure about how the case had ended. She grinned.
"Well, it looks like Marisa Kirisame..."
She pulled out a pair of sunglasses and slipped them on.
"...just checked out."
Shikieiki leapt on top of the desk, pulling a guitar from YamaHammerSpace.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH~"
