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[JackMackerel]

(( IF U FLAM UR RACCIST ))

When it rains, it pours, and in Gensokyo, it poured fucking lasers. Fairies, humans, and youkai died alike, each beam blooming like trees in fast-forward and every man, woman, and child moaning in pain and pleasure before they burst, skeletons rioting and punching each other into dust with gigantic catfish that were now surgically implanted into their hands, until all had perished and spread their P-items across the land.

Hakurei Reimu didn't care, having just thrust her gigantic, spurting hitbox at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, horribly crushing the abominations of God that resided inside, holding manly orgies, against it, and sent the flattened, gory remains, jingling crystals at all, at the Human Village, killing the fuck out of it, traces of glorious miko fluid covering the flattened, exploding carcasses and flooding the surrounding environs, the sea of blood and holy juice crushing the Hakurei Barrier, drowning the world in the sea of sex, violence, and brightly colored danmaku.

Thoughtfully, she chewed on the skulls that had been lovingly hung from the Saiyougi Ayakashi, who were also killed fucking gently along with Yuyuko, who had begged for the hitbox to penetrate her eager throat.

“Fuck off,” the Ayakashi bark snarled, unpleased that it was now gum for the Devestating Bitch of Gensokyo, as Kaguya had come to call her. (Quoth the princess, “FUCK YEAH! WE'RE DEAD!” as the hitbox seared her Hourai victimized soul, glad that she and her fiery bird companion were guaranteed a seat in the Halls of Valhalla before the sea of fluids also drowned the holy lands..)

“And thus concludes today's mass,” Reimu grunted atop the fuckslain ruins of the Hakurei Shrine, wiping accumulated secretions with a tail of Yakumo Ran's (who begged for a piece of that kit kat bar that had now replaced the Ayakashi bark).

So maybe it was filled with senseless genocide and idiotic metaphors for sex, and maybe mass was Catholic, but no one cared. It was still religion.

[Mushyrulez]

I... uh... alright.jpg

(it'll be hilarious if you come up with a second part that explains all that in a logical fashion, though that'd ruin the story)

[Esifex]

You posted this specifically so one of the Librarians would have to summarize it, didn't you? ;-;

[Magical Moerin~♥]

...All I have to say, really. >.>

[Bold and Brashtirade]

This is, by far, the most accurate portrayal of Gensokyo that I have ever read.

[Ran Squawkumo]

It's like a political cartoon, except in fanfiction form.

...I think.

[The Unlimited RR]

(Image removed from quote.)
...All I have to say, really. >.>

...But now where will the groinsaws appear?

[Tunasatomimi no Miko]

ff.net is over that way ---->

[Phlegeth]

(*Danboo Warning)

[ゆかりん]

what did i just read

[Oddasseus the Indestructable]

This is, by far, the most accurate portrayal of Gensokyo that I have ever read.

what did i just read

Man, and I thought the shit I write is weird.

[Guest]

망할 내가 지금 뭘 읽은 거지?
shit....... what did i read?

[AAAAAAAAAAAAA]

you missed the cool kids' club by a few subforums

[JackMackerel]

(( This is your fucking fault, OddaC. THEIR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS! ))

The legions of Gensokyo stood behind Reimu.

“HOLD, WOMEN!” The miko screamed, cocking her 666-barreled gatling, praying to the Messiah and Odin for the most holy gift. Made from the heads of Typhon's many dragons and from the bones of Nietzsche's God-strcken corpse, it fired the rage of the Gods themselves, Izanami's undead fury spewing from each and every barrel.

The leader of the body spray army exploded in agony, nuclear-tipped shells pulverizing the fuck out of its aluminum bones, the resulting hellfire explosion neutralizing the disgusting baby fumes inside.

Gensokyo cheered, roaring its defiance as the body spray cans and their allies hissed foul odors and rushed at the planet, screaming with their rape ape allies and led by a mutant sow screaming vegenance for its fallen dwarf dolphin brothers with a chainsaw, slashing wildly.

The fairies called it more dakka. Every thing – gravel, pencil, sex toy, bullet, card, window, cup, fabric, everything – turned into glowing danmaku and blasted outwards into the body spray army surrounding all, explosions ripping throughout the skies. Stars went supernova, phalluses of the rape apes severed, body spray cans neutralizing whatever sexiness the cast of Touhou once had.

But the power of yuri was not to be underestimated, sending the carcasses into the infinite hordes of the multiverse cans, destroying the great evil they had once and for all. The girls of Gensokyo leapt back on the planet, screaming forth and destroying the cans with the fuckfire spewed from Reimu's gatling, until it reached the body spray leader.

He was fuckslain, and the girls rejoiced with a good viewing of “Take my Breath Away”, making love under the remade stars from the flesh of Yukari.

Reimu giggled.

[Guest]

This makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than the first one.

[Ivan The Mouse]

Listen to alot of old Eminem songs before reading this. It's fun.

[Nyarly]

It's really like a Touhou version of Thirty Hs, but with it's own touch and more coherent (not that this is saying much).

I kind of like to see more...

[JackMackerel]

“I LIKE YOUR BOOTY, BUT I'M NOT GAY,” Alice's voice reverberated through the halls of Voile.

“SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Patchouli Knowledge of the Slaying Fuckgobblers screamed through her skeletentacles, trying hard to focus on her newest arrival. It was a struggling, emo young man of the late 2000s, guilty of writing attempted literary criticism and deconstruction of His Holiness Kochiya Sanae of the 4th Rebellion and accusing her of being a naughty witchburner and secret mass murderer. (Which were all true.)

Alice desperately attempted to cover her bleeding mouth, but the hot beats spewed forth, reverberating with the pornographic bass hits. “I LIKE YOUR BOOTY, BUT I'M NOT GAY.”

Reimu angrily throw the book she was reading, depicting the holy orgasm of the holy Byakuren, and unleashed Izanami's undead fury on it once more with her gatling. The prose and grammar of the book was terrible, completely blaspheming her holiness.

“I am the Pattern of the Stripe,” the book's author giggled after the explosives-coated skulls demolished the book (but somehow not the rest of Voile, deal with it), “and you are an evil cuntgobbler from the XXX dimension, mutant cunt sniffer.” From between the atoms, cameras leered, each snapshot of the maiden's flesh cutting into Reimu, who screamed in agony – before she remembered the wisdom of the All-Father and jammed the gatling's barrels into the gaps, killing the fuck out of the author.

He was a right prick, that one.

“SSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Pache screamed, maggots clicking their approval. Reimu wiped her face with a fresh towel and sat back down with her friends to resume their study of headless women making godless love to dragons.

[Oddasseus the Indestructable]

You didn't mention whether or not the dragons were made out of motorcycles.

[JackMackerel]

Sorry, but they were monster trucks and ferraris.

[Yaersulf]

I'd tip my hat to you but it caught fire somewhere between the fuckslaying and the holy orgasms.

[Vyrien]

Good god, that was the best thing ever. I want the holy orgasm book funded.

[NovaNoir]

jackerel

i think my brains just melted out my ears

why ;-;

[JackMackerel]

(( The homophobic slurs aren't a reflection of my opinions. But if you do know who I'm basing Murasa and Reisen on, you'd know why they're spouting it off like three year olds. ))

“oh my god guys its the faggot” Murasa tweeted. She didn't tweet with your dumb, shitty IM replacement, oh no. She cried with the heart of a hawk. The heart of the hawk! An actual bird, plumage so great and glorious and grandnificent erupting from her veins and arteries, stained with her oxygenated blood, immolating endlessly upon contact with the air.

“NO ITS NOT!!111” Mokou roared back, crying tears of blood, slitting her wrists for the millionth time.

“hahaha u tell them girl!” Reisen said, flying. But her feathers were shit, poorly arranged, poorly placed, looking like someone had tarred and feathered her. But she so desperately wanted to be like the sailor girl, so badly, so badly it had driven her to suicide with the Princess's hitbox, several times. Unfortunately, the ghosts of the undead would dance their dance of life, and Reisen would come back, even more traumatized than before.

“what a faggot. Youre not even feathered. Stop posting dude, giant faggot” Murasa catcalled, somersaulting in the air.

“What the fuck are you two idiots doing?” Reimu inquired as her train of slaves came by, investigating Mokou's empty, hollow cries. “Are you seriously trying to be fucking random-”

Kogasa's heart was replaced with Murasa's throbbing hitbox. And she liked it. Proving Murasa's homophobic cries to be true.

“faggot”, belched Reisen, who was now a Brazillian in a Favela.

[JackMackerel]

“You're too fat to fly,” Eirin drawled, swatting a fly off her wrinkled neck.

Just then, Murasa and Reisen plummeted into hell, accidentally taking Reimu with them.

Eirin sighed, replacing her dentures and readjusting her shit-stained overalls. She leaned back, enjoying the now quiet night. Reminded her of bayou country.